Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., everything is yours because I am too lazy to come up with something of my own… Yeah, let's keep it at that.

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Halloween! I was curious if Quirrell would bring his Trolls into the castle. Classes were attended as normal… Why the fuck am I in Myrtles Toilet? How the hell did I get here? I groaned, something big and smelly smashed the door.

10 Who are we going to blame?

The door splintered, smashed by a HUGE Troll! Sweet Morgana, that is a big mother fucker! It had to bend down to get through the door, and those doors are Hagrid-proof. That Troll is at least 12 feet tall! The bad part? Somehow it was looking for me, when our eyes locked I woke up from my stupor and shot in action.

I raised my wand and yelled, "Glacious! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous! Incarcerous!"

The result? The Troll slipped and ended up on the floor tied up as a prey of an Acromantula. A simple Incarcerous would be easily overcome, not a dozen of them while he is distracted by a slippery floor. I heard footsteps hurrying to me, a few moments later the Weasley Twins were gaping at me and Sausage Troll.

Hmm, they must have spotted me on their map and wanted to protect their investor, I can use them as a scapegoat, "My Heroes, if you want to earn some Galleons, take your wands and stuff them in that Troll's nose and say 'PERFORO! NOW!"

Fred… I think it is Fred, who came to his senses and nudged George, it could be Fred, they took their wands and jammed them in the Troll's nostrils, "PERFORO!" The lights went out in the Troll's eyes, two piercing Hexes straight into the brain were too much for any Troll, at that moment the Twins realized they killed a Mountain Troll and looked up at me with a question in their eyes.

I nodded, "Great job guys, this means you can claim the carcass, you killed it in defense of a maiden in distress. Get in front of me and leave the snot of that Troll on your wands. Remember, you let it slip with Glacious and bound it with Incarcerous, when the Troll wanted to break free you both finished the job with Perforo. Don't look into Snape's and Dumbledore's eyes, they can see your memories. Now raise your wands and claim the Troll as right of conquest, hurry, they are coming."

The Twins raised their wands, "We, Frederick Fabian Weasley and Gregory Gideon Weasley, claim the carcass of the Troll we killed in defense of Hermione Granger, So Mote It Be!"

The claim was validated by the glow of Magic that surrounded them. The stage is set, all that is left is a hysterical maiden… I can do that! I flooded my mind with images of my previous life and thoughts about what I missed there. That opened the floodgates, a bit too much really, I grabbed one of them and bawled with my head pressed at his back. The other Twin recognized the ruse and gently patted my back.

I heard Babbling shout, "It is here! Sweet Morgana! What happened here? Boys? What are you doing in a girl's bathroom?"

Flitwick and McGonagall arrived at the same time and observed the situation, McGonagall frowned, "Mr. Weasleys, can you explain why you are here with the Troll instead of evacuating to your common room?"

I have to intercept that conversation before they have to expose their map, with tears in my eyes I lashed out, "They came here to save me, Deputy Headmistress. Can you explain what a Mountain Troll is doing in School? Who is monitoring the Wards of this School? Can you explain why I woke up in a bathroom I never have been to with no memory of how I got here, and why a Troll was smashing the door?"

Fred… it could be George, said, "We heard that Miss Granger was crying in this bathroom, Professor. She did not know that there was a Troll on the loose. Professor Quirrell stormed into the Great Hall and shouted that a Troll was in the Dungeon, so we took the risk to warn her and take her with us to our common room. When we arrived the Troll already smashed the door, we used Glacious to let it slip and Incarcerous to bind it. The Troll was trying to free itself so we had to use a Perforo Hex to stop it."

He raised his Troll snot-covered wand up, his brother did the same, I testified, "They sure did, Professor Flitwick. But that does not explain why I opened my eyes when that Troll destroyed that door, was I imperio'd? Without both Mr. Weasley's I would be dead right now. I want to speak to my Magical Guardian!"

A voice at the door answered, "That is not needed, Miss Granger, the situation is solved and everything is under control."

Hah, Dumbledore is on damage control. Nope, not if I can prevent that, "Do you have everything under control, Headmaster? Why was this Troll not removed when it crossed the Wardline? Why did you allow it to enter the castle? I read all about Wards, Headmaster, and to me, the only control you have is over your bowel movements, and that too could be slipping due to your age."

McGonagall screeched, "Miss Granger! Never did I witness such disrespect to the Headmaster! 50 points from Ravenclaw and a week of detention! Apologize now!"

I shook my head, "I will not, Deputy Headmistress, because if he truly has control over the wards then this can be seen as a murder attempt from the Headmaster on me. It is attempted murder or incompetence, Deputy Headmistress. Either way, I need to see my Magical Guardian, I bet Harry already called him."

That soured them up, they could lively remember Sirius's last visit and the tongue-lashing they received. The twinkle from Dumbledore's eyes disappeared, then he froze up, Sirius crossed the wardline, no doubt. He turned and walked away in a hurry.

I coolly commented, "I will not serve one minute of that detention, Deputy Headmistress. If the Headmaster noticed humans crossing the wardlines as he did just now, he could not have missed a Mountain Troll. Besides, why didn't Professor Quirrell deal with that Troll?"

George… it could be Fred, chuckled, "That weakling ran into the Great Hall, shouted 'Troll! There is a Troll in the Dungeon!' and fainted. The Headmaster ordered everyone to barricade themselves in their common rooms."

I shook my head, "Correct me if I am wrong, but I heard that Slytherin and Hufflepuff Dorms are located in the Dungeons. So, what moron would order half of his students to walk into danger?"

At the horrified looks of McGonagall, Flitwick, and Babbling, they are morons too. That is the habit of blindly following orders, they stopped thinking for themselves.

One of the Twins gasped, "She is right, Professor! They would walk right into that Toll's path if it was in the Dungeon!" he slowly turned to me, "Or he knew that the Troll was here to kill Miss Granger and the route to their common room was safe."

I glared at McGonagall, "Take your pick, Deputy Headmistress, incompetence or cold-blooded murder attempt. Your Headmaster is in trouble either way. That Death Eater Wannabee Quirrell is a suspect too. He is promoting to kill off all the Normals too hard."

Although, why would Quirrell faint in the Great Hall? His image is completely different from Canon, also what is he after? Not that Philosopher's Stone, a letter from Anonymous to Flamel took care of that. That nipped several plans from Dumbledore in the bud, no lure, no prey. He lost two jobs and is one mistake away from unemployment… this mistake could be the last straw!

I said to them, "Professors, it is time you decide where your priorities are focused on, teaching students or following a Headmaster's madness. You know how the Dursleys abused Harry, Dumbledore deliberately allowed them to abuse Heir Potter," I stopped their protests, "It only took one single letter to stop the abuse, so Dumbledore doesn't have any excuse to put the blame somewhere else. Mrs. Fig spying on Harry kept him informed enough and he did not move a finger to help him."

I faced them and gave a piece of advice, "If you still worship the floor he walks up on then maybe you should let yourselves checked for loyalty potions. Remus Lupin got himself tied up with a loyalty oath to Dumbledore, I hope you still have the use of your brains and free will."

Fred, or George, whistled, "Blimey Miss Granger! You are telling us that the Headmaster is a Dark Lord."

I shrugged, "If it quacks like a Duck, walks like a Duck, and looks like a Duck, chances are that it is a Duck, don't you think so? Oh, to render that Troll, the parents of Tracey Davis can cater that service, if you ask her to mediate for you, then you will get a good deal."

I turned to Flitwick, "Professor Flitwick, Mr. Weasleys claimed the Troll as right of conquest for saving me, can you order the elves to store it in stasis until they complete their negotiations? Thank you."

Crap! I forgot I had to play the Maiden in distress!

Xxxxx

Harry stirred everything up, he contacted Sirius reporting a Troll was wandering through the castle and I was missing. Sirius got Serious and contacted Madam Bones before storming the Castle. Soon, Dumbledore was besieged by Sirius and a horde of Aurors, Aunty Bones pulled the big guns when she heard a Troll was near her Niece.

I threw myself in Sirius's arms while sobbing my eyes out, hiccuping telling him that the Twins killed the Troll to save me, and the attempt of Dumbledore to sweep it under the rug. Aunty Bones lost it when she heard Dumbledore order Slytherin and Hufflepuff to walk in a Troll's path. Snape and Sprout got their ears waxed by her for not stopping that insane order.

The Aurors did a sweep through the castle and questioned every professor… Trelawney needed a sobering potion first, not that it made any difference though. When I mentioned Quirrell has Death Eater sympathies and promoted killing normals and Normalborn, they took him to the DMLE for questioning after the Twins said he fainted when he told everyone there was a Troll in the Dungeon. Ah, happy times.

The Twins brokered a good deal with Tracey's help, Lord Davis was impressed with the boys and was generous in their deal. They are famous now, Troll Slayers they are calling them in the Daily Prophet. Sirius gave them the story, praising the boys into high heaven while questioning Dumbledore's mental capacities and asking to let healers examine him on senility.

Dumbledore had no other choice than to expose Quirrell as the bad guy who masked the presence of the Troll with his Professor's authority on the Wards. Quirrell wanted this Mudblood Know-It-All to shut up, so he imperio'd this fabulous smart, and pretty girl and directed her to Myrtle's Bathroom, some scent lures in the bathroom sealed this gorgeous girl's fate.

The more the Twins downplayed their achievement, the more I was praising their heroic fighting skills, Harry was getting jealous of them and pouted when I was praising the Twins.

WTF? Those naffers blaming me for getting rid of yet another Professor! Zachariah Smith, no doubt, I am going to kick his ass! The Twins get a cool nickname, I am called Teacher's Doom! That is totally uncalled for!

Xxxxx

Christmas! Or Yule as the Pagans say it was originally called. The purebloods were grumbling about Christians stealing their Holy Days and renaming them to sell them as their invention. I was keeping myself out of that discussion, no matter what side you pick, you lose no matter what.

I spent my time with my parents and visiting our relatives, I had a few snotty cousins, they shut their trap when I went to secondary school and started to kiss my ass when they found out about my scholarship offers from top Colleges and Universities. I let them of course, getting worshiped is a special feeling you know.

I had to come clean with Dad, though. Reading about a Troll in the newspaper was not raising their trust in the safety of the school. I argued, "I was not in danger… yeah, I kind of was in danger, Daddy. But I am capable of defending myself, it's true!"

Dad raised his eyebrow when I said Daddy, I only use that when it is really needed, "Oh? Why did those Twins have to battle that Troll? Lord Black told us what they did, they killed a Mountain Troll to save you, Sweetie! They risked their lives to save yours!"

I rolled my eyes, "That is what we told the… They did Daddy, they are true Heroes."

Mum faced me, "The truth, Hermione Jane Granger!"

I sighed, "One of the Professors was discriminating against Normals and Normalborns, I put him several times in his place. He smuggled a Troll into the Castle and imperio'd me to stay in a bathroom, he lured the Troll there to get rid of me. I woke up when the Troll smashed the door, I made him slip and tied him up in ropes. I let the Twins finish the Troll and claim the credit. I don't need that kind of fame."

Mum shook her head, "You let someone kill a sentient being? I thought I raised you to be a better person, Hermione."

I hugged Mum, "That Troll was doomed anyway, Mum. Any dangerous creature above Second Class that enters the Castle has to be put down. It is in the bylaws, Mum, it had to die one way or the other. The Twins came to warn me for that Troll, risking their own safety to do that, this way they earned money and got a good reputation."

Dad commented, "Sweetie, why are there Professors mad enough to kill you?"

I sighed, "That is my fault, Dad, I expect a level of professionalism that they just can't deliver. A Ghost that talks you into a trance, a potion Professor that writes a recipe on the blackboard and says you have one hour, after that he starts to insult every student not in Slytherin. A Dada Professor who is promoting killing every Normal, and an Astronomy Professor who thinks Stars that are light years away from here can influence us. So I speak up, that is not well received in a Victorian-minded school."

I grinned at them, "I am making progress though, that Ghost is History, we have a new Potion Tutor, the Dada Professor is arrested, and the Astronomy Professor is a work in progress, I like her and our discussions make up for staying up all night."

Dad shook his head, "Being attacked by a Troll doesn't ease my mind, Sweetie. That school appears to be a death trap. What is Lord Black planning to do about it?"

This time I smiled Evilly, "Oh, we have some surprises in store for that school. You see, Mr. Anonymous wrote a letter to me. It is time I got my pound of flesh, nobody that tries to kill me will get away with it. Daddy, we need to pay a visit to Lord Black, or better invite him here."

Xxxxx

Sirius visited our home with Harry and the gang. The first hour we had to explain the workings of all technology, when they were watching a Video of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Harry and I joined the grown-ups.

I started the discussion, "I am still peeved of that attack on me on All Hallows Eve, especially when they wanted me dead, they hoped that I became another Moaning Myrtle. I studied her case, Lord Black, did you know that Myrtle Warren was Voldemort's first kill in the Magical World?"

Sirius was stunned, he shook his head, "No I did not, how did you get that information? Are you sure of it?"

I nodded, "She was killed fifty years ago by the Heir of Slytherin when they wanted to close the school, a Slytherin prefect Tom Marvolo Riddle framed Hagrid who was keeping an Acromantula as a pet when he was a third-year student. It did not add up, an Acromantula kills with poison, and Myrtle was killed by being stared at with yellow eyes, a fact even the biggest idiot can find out. Hagrid got expelled and the school did not close."

I explained how I found out… how I pretended to find out, "Tom Marvolo Riddle is an anagram for I am Lord Voldemort, and that Bathroom is the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets, Slytherin's secret hideout. I bet Dumbledore knew Tom was somehow responsible but could not prove it, so he let Hagrid take the blame to keep the school open. My guess is that there is a Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets. One of the sinks has been malfunctioning for centuries and never did they try to repair it, at the tap is a small snake engraved, I bet that is the doorway to the Chamber of Secrets and it requires a Parselmouth to open it."

Sirius shrugged, "There is no way to prove it, Miss Granger, the last known Parselmouth was Voldemort, and he is not in the land of the living anymore."

I pointed at Harry, "I bet our local all-around Hero the Boy Who Lived is one, because let's face it, what is a Hero without challenges?"

Harry snapped at me, "A living one, Missy Granger! Are you telling me I have to go to a secret chamber to kill a Basilisk?"

I smiled innocently at him, "But of course you have to! After all, killing a Basilisk tops killing a Troll any day of the week, don't you think? Did you notice the female attention the Twins got after they killed that Troll?"

Dad looked worried at me, "Sweetie? Are you telling Harry to face a Basilisk so he would be a bigger Hero than the Twins? This sounds wrong on so many levels, Sirius? What is that school doing to my baby girl's mind?"

Sirius looked at Dad, "I was wondering about that myself. Hermione? Suppose that Harry can open the tunnel to the Chamber of Secrets, how is he going to kill a Basilisk? Talk it to dead?"

I shook my head, "Nope, a bunch of roosters can do that, as a Governor on the board of Governors of Hogwarts, you can bring in a force to deal with any threat to the school if you suspect the Headmaster is unable or unwilling to deal with the treat. I bet you can get a majority vote from the Board if you tell them you suspect Slytherin's monster is still alive."

Sirius was curious, "How did you get all this information, Miss Granger? You are only four months at school and you know more than seasoned Professors."

I answered innocently, "Mr. Anonymous put a letter in my head that told me what to do, Harry has to kill a Basilisk."

Harry asked, "Why do you want me to kill a basilisk, Hermione? Basilisks are not exactly harmless bunnies you know."

I shrugged, "To destroy a Horcrux, Duh! Goblins demand a fortune to destroy those."

Xxxxx

Horcrux… a magic word that accelerates all actions! Sirius involved all his allies, Bones, Abbots, Greengrasses, Davis, Lovegood, and Longbottom. After getting permission from the Board of Governors, a team of Big Game Hunters who regularly work for Lord Davis, Harry, and Aunty Bones with the Lords and I made our way to Myrtle's Bathroom under loud protest from Dumbledore. Somehow he still thinks it is his school.

Sirius shot that thought down though, some biting remarks about senile busybodies who are one step away from retirement were enough to shut him up. He lost his twinkle in his eyes when he saw me smile.

I pointed Harry to the sink, "Imagine you talk to a snake and say OPEN."

After a few tries, Harry managed, §Open!§

The sink retreated and showed the slide… the filthy slide, "Harry, ask for steps, I am not going to slide through that filth."

When Harry managed to let steps come out, Sirius turned to Dumbledore, "Go away, Dumbledore, if a first-year student can manage to find the secret passage to the Chamber of Secrets, it proves that you were useless all these years. You might be good at spells, but you are worthless as a Headmaster. You are coasting on your fame of defeating Grindelwald for too long. Be Gone!"

Lord Lovegood asked Sirius, "You are getting a kick out of bashing that old man isn't it, Lord Black?"

Sirius chuckled, "You know I am, Xeno. That old man played with our lives long enough, it is time for some retribution."

The happy mood disappeared when they saw the shed skin. Harry looked at me, "Not a bunny, Hermione! Are you naffing mad to let me face something as big as that?"

I gave him a hug and a peck on his cheeks, I might have pressed my boobs against his chest and answered; "Harry, that is what Heroes do! No monster is too big, no danger is too great, and the Heroes get first pick of the Maidens, you know," I grinned at him, "besides, we have fifty roosters with us, the only thing you have to do is to open the doors, the chickens will finish it off."

Harry stared at me for a couple of seconds and pinched my bum, "You better be one of those Maidens, Missy Granger, risking my life has to be rewarded."

I whispered in his ear, "You have to settle with kisses this year and the next, Horny Hero, but you will get them."

Carrot and stick, you know. Anyway, Harry is ready to defy death and disfigurement and all it took was a peck on his cheek and the promise of a few kisses. My Mythological Mum is a prime example, Helen of Troy. Dad could not get it hard anymore and she took off with that Dude from Troy, all she did was flash her tits… Hmm, did she take me with her or did that bitch leave me behind? Anyway, that was the first high-profile divorce dispute. Where were we? Ah, trivia.

Harry opened the door of the Chamber and asked for lights, the roosters were spread out in the chamber while I told Harry to say 'Speak to me greatest of the Hogwarts four! Corny, but that was what did it in the books.

The statue opened his mouth while we made a beeline outside the chamber, the Big Game Hunters woke the roosters up and ran outside too. Harry closed the door when the last one was out.

Panting, he said, "That was one angry snake, Hermione, big too by the sound of it. Ask Neville for your next crazy idea."

Aunty Bones commented, "There better be no more crazy ideas, I hope there are no more dangers to this school other than this Basilisk."

I smiled innocently at Aunty Bones, "Well, there is a fifty-year-old Acromantula colony roaming freely through the Forbidden Forest. Remember Hagrid's pet? It got a mate and their offspring provided Dumbledore of Acromantula silk. That those spiders occasionally eat a unicorn or Centaur is not a big loss, is it?"

Aunty Bones closed her eyes and I saw her count back from ten, she turned to me and asked, "Are there other issues you haven't told me yet, Miss Granger?"

I nodded, I might as well get everything in the open, "A few more, Madam Bones. Did you know Skeeter is a water bug? Or that Grindelwald and Dumbledore were lovers? That Dumbledore knew of Voldemort's real identity and never told anyone of it. Can you guess why? Maybe that was the reason he became Lord Voldemort. Scary thought isn't it?"

Everyone was listening to our conversation, I saw the faces turn ugly when they understood what I was hinting at.

I pressed on, "Not to forget your Ministry, of course. Malfoy is a ventriloquist and Fudge is his puppet. For as long as Malfoy has money, Fudge will sing his tunes and tell his jokes. Umbridge is another case, she is a blackmailing bitch, she frames Normalborns and Halfbloods whenever she can using Blood Quills. She keeps forgetting her dad was a Normalborn Janitor in the Ministry. He disappeared mysteriously or I would say suspiciously."

"Your department isn't clean either, Madam Bones," I continued, "Normalborns that report crimes from purebloods against them are discarded or misfiled, the few honest Aurors are discredited or plain out fired if they are Halfbloods. Did a Normalborn ever get hired? Do you want to hear more, Madam Bones?"

Lord Greengrass shook his head, "No, we better not, Miss Granger. You just opened some old wounds we should better have forgotten. Ours is not a perfect world, and some of the frictions date back to the Witch Hunts where our kind was hunted like wild animals."

I nodded, "That is true, Lord Greengrass, but can you say the blame was only on the Normal side? Wizards never abused their power and went after the Maidens? Witches never abused their Magic to get what they wanted. The same is happening now, the difference is that the Normals have recording devices and soon every corner of the street will have them. Right now you have the government that has to cover up your crimes, soon every Normal will find out about the Magic World when the recorded crimes are posted on public sites. It will trigger the next Witch Hunt for sure."

An old Big Game Hunter interrupted, "Why don't we first harvest a Basilisk before we look for the one to put the blame on?"