(YM)
The cold gave me an excuse to be shaking. Walking during the early morning hours reminded me of walking with him. That same nervousness crept through my body, only this time, I knew it wouldn't be soothed. Junko grabbed onto my arm like SHE had any reason to be anxious about her own stupid plan. Whatever it was. She wouldn't even tell me her real goal about all this. She said it was to have someone who can 'fully understand her', yet I had my suspicions. This woman was driving me insane. She made me do things I would never dream of without lifting a finger. Like today, I had to drug Dr. Tsukino so he wouldn't wake up and pull anything. I knew how much to give and I knew he'd be fine, but morality still ate at me. He was a lazy idiot, still he didn't deserve that.
Although I knew for sure the cameras were off, I loomed over the anxiety of being caught. Last night, a real black out happened. Yeah, we totally didn't look suspicious now. I tried explaining how we should wait to Junko. Then I got accused of making excuses. Of course I did. 'I'm only in town for a week, I can't lose this opportunity. Why are you making this so difficult!? If you keep this up, I'll have to tell Mukuro which dorm you're in.' Ughhh. Guess I had to take my chances. Everything in my body was begging me to weasel out of this. To convince her to change her mind, but I knew better. Any attempt to steer her away from him would make her want to meet him even more. I couldn't get out of this now. We met in front of her hotel for the week. The same one as last time she was in Tokyo. A red roof to match her incredibly long nails like some sort of warning sign. A short walk to the school gates couldn't go by any slower. Each second weighed on my mind like it was trying to crush me from the inside out. I wanted to stall. I wanted to run off with her into a big distraction so she'd forget. Anything besides letting her corrupt him. Again, I knew better. Tonight was already set up. Going back now would only make things worse in the long run even if I did succeed. Having her all cuddled up to me on the way there should've helped, but it just made my thoughts race faster.
Stopping in front of the school gates, I had to say something. Anything to get things going as smoothly as they possibly could with her. "Before I let you in there, I have some rules, okay?" I was sure to hold her ungloved hands as I laid down only a fraction of my crushing thoughts. I couldn't be sure she would listen, yet I had to show that I meant it somehow. "Ooh, like what? Not to feed the animal?" Junko's voice had a bounciness to it. She really was excited for this. That was even more terrifying. Still, I tried to maintain the importance. If she didn't already clue in with my lack of chit chat, she would find out how nervous I was if I didn't act tough. She didn't need to be some crazy analyst to figure that one out. "Listen, don't cause a scene. Don't leave any signs you were ever there. Don't act any more brain dead than you are. I get that despair is your whole thing, but if you get all of us killed, I won't forgive you." I laid it out loud and clear. No cracking of my act. Despite the tough face, she somehow managed to laugh at me. "Hehe, I like when you get all threatening like that. It's cute. Yeah, don't worry. I won't do anything crazy. Let's go already!~" She shook my arm like an impatient kid. Giggling softly while doing so. All of it mocked my skepticism with a sickly charm. "...Alright. Be quiet until we're in his room, got it?" She held a finger to her lips with a facetious grin. I led the way. Silent as the school slept peacefully like any other January night.
Across campus to the back where the horror site stood, haunting me. Down a long hallway as she practically tiptoed to quiet her heels. Her icy hand wrapped up in my own while in complete silence. I made sure to check in on Dr. Tsukino. He slept so soundly in that kitchen, it felt like a crime to be doing this in the same building. Although, I knew I'd feel that way regardless. Before I had the chance to open the door from the observation room, she peaked over through the window at him. 'Kamukura' sat there drawing, waiting for us to show up by doing something he rarely did. Another warning sign. "He can't see you through that, dumbass." I said to Junko as she made funny faces at the glass. "Uh- you said not to talk yet, dummy." Of course, she used my words against me. I just rolled my eyes at her as I opened that damned door.
'Kamukura' didn't even look up from whatever masterpiece he was working on. A breath I didn't realize I was holding finally let go when I shut the door back. Junko didn't wait a second longer than she had to before talking. Letting go of my hand to get closer to him. He barely glanced at her. "Hii~ Kamukura, is that really you? So you're the one hogging my boyfriend away from me, huh?" Her voice practically jumped off the tiles. If this room wasn't sound proof, we'd be done for. Did she know somehow? "Yes, that is what I am called. You are awfully loud." He didn't hesitate in speaking his mind. Something I chose to believe he learned from me. She clasped her hands together and swayed as she stared at him with analysis. "Sorry about that. She's just excited to meet someone like her." I chimed in, trying to justify her behavior. A part of me wanted these 2 rejects to not hate each other. Wouldn't want that to be how the world ends.
'Kamukura' looked up from his drawing of what I could now see was some fantasy monster. His face as deadpan as always, he stared straight into her eyes and blankly replied: "If you have the capacity to be excited, then you clearly have less of an issue with prediction than I. Perhaps you are using your boredom as an excuse to hurt people." Oh fuck. He said the quiet part out loud. I prepared myself for some kind of attack. Verbal, physical, anything. Junko would probably try her fake crying or a more offensive approach. Instead, she started laughing. An almost cutesy one as she motioned for him to stand up. "I was not joking." He stood up, seemingly listening to her nonverbal request, but he just wanted to stretch. "I know. Usually it takes people years to come close to any conclusion like that. You really are amazing, Kamukura. Oh, the name's Enoshima Junko." Her voice went to a more serious tone. The smile on her face made the seriousness that much more terrifying. It raised the questions of what her true goal was.
I should say something. I wasn't sure what I could possibly say to make this weird tension go away. As ridiculous as it was, I couldn't help the sting of jealousy. How long has it been since she complimented me genuinely? Her remark hurt too. Was she really using her boredom as an excuse this whole time? I knew for sure she wasn't faking the problem in general. Ugh, no, I was being stupid. That didn't matter right now anyway. "I would thank you if I did not get the feeling you have some motive. What is your real reasoning for coming here?" 'Kamukura' sat back on his bed, waiting for an answer he probably wouldn't like. Was he annoyed? I could sense he was, although I could be projecting my own feelings onto those vacant eyes. She took a second to look around the room. Every detail combed through her twisted little mind. In the second of silence, I tried to answer for her. I didn't know what else to do other than damage control with a dumb joke. "She wants cooler friends, and apparently, long haired depressed guys like you fit that bill perfectly." He seemed to know better already. He could tell right off the bat that she was crazy.
In that moment, I felt all those doubtful thoughts creep back in. The same ones that made me question Junko's real intentions. I knew, deep down, that she wasn't good for me. She hurt me on multiple occasions then put me back together like it really was an accident. She drove me insane continuously. It was too much. Then again, I remembered the little things. How she looked at me, how she comforted me when no one else was willing to, how she remembered my favorite things better than I did. She had to genuinely love me, right? Just in her own twisted way? I've had this conversation with myself a million times before. The conclusion always landed on the fact that even if I broke up with her and she left my life completely, I'd truly be alone. Hinata wasn't himself anymore. This new 'Kamukura' wasn't good with emotions. He had too much shit to deal with regardless. In this moment, with him sitting there watching her analyze his room in a matter of seconds, I envied his ability to know better about her.
"No wonder you're bored all the time! You're holed up in here like some prisoner. An artificial Jesus like you should be out there getting followers and money. Not treated like some experiment." Junko's booming interruption of an observation brought me back out of my thoughts. She hugged onto me again like she was showing off her ability to do so. "Aren't you done playing with his brain? Let's sneak him out!" She lovingly glared at me. As if she was saying this would be some noble sacrifice we, as lovers, could bond from. "That will not be necessary." His refusal caused her to jump off me and stare into him. "What? Why? Don't lie and say you like it here! I've only been here 10 minutes and I can tell I'd lose it without you guys here." She yelled with some playfulness lining her words. That meant her plan, whatever it might've been, hasn't fallen through yet.
'Kamukura' glanced at me before switching back to her. Nonverbally asking me what I was doing, why I would bring her here. Even if I could say something, I couldn't justify myself. Explanations about her or her twin would only make this more embarrassing. "Leaving will only cause issues for Matsuda and possibly yourself as an accomplice. If I were to escape, I would have nowhere to go and no one to be. I hoped you were smart enough to think that far ahead." That last line would be something I'd say, only he delivered it with full transparency. No sarcasm lining anything. I knew I should jump in eventually. I just didn't know when would be a good time. I knew he could take care of himself, still I couldn't stop from feeling responsible. "Oh, but I have. I was gonna help you." A passive aggressive tinge in her comeback. Crossing her arms while staring down at him with growing annoyance. He didn't bat an eye. "Please do not waste any more time with this fantasy. It will not work. Was your plan to hide me elsewhere and tell others of my existence? How juvenile." He wasn't afraid at all. He didn't have to do anything besides be his artificial self and he was already under her skin. Why couldn't I do that? Was I really getting that weak because of her? What was wrong with me?!
"Fine, smarty pants. I'll tell you the truth. Such a smart cookie~ I'm impressed!" She sat down on the bed beside him with happy sounding words. Rudely intruding. I chose to get in that commonplace chair, just watching. Waiting for shit to hit the fan. He didn't seem to care that she was so close, but he definitely didn't like it. "You want unpredictability, don't you? Something exciting to get you on your toes would cure you for at least a little bit." She crept ever so closer to him, moving one dirty shoed foot onto the bed. Her voice returned to its seriousness. Of course, he didn't budge or complain. He still had no expression to speak of.
"You know the one thing that's truly unpredictable? Despair. When people are at their wit's end, they do the most unpredictable shit. You never know how someone will snap or how far they'll go. Say you cause someone the most despair they've ever felt in their pathetic existence, they go hurt someone else, then it's just a cycle repeating. What keeps it interesting is how every new link deals with their cards. You understand, don't you, big g-" Before I could tell what she was doing, she was on the floor as an icepick slid across the ground. The rattling of it nearly distracted me from him holding her arms back with her stomach to the floor. Bubbling rage came out as I pieced it together. An icepick in her boot to stab him with. Was she trying to get us KILLED!? I knew she'd do some ridiculous shit for her problem, but murder? Attempted or not, it was too goddamn much! I couldn't have expected that. "What the hell is wrong with you, Junko!? Are you fucking stupid? I told you not to pull anything!" I glared down at her. The anger boiled over enough to want to shake her and run off out of embarrassment. While still holding her down, 'Kamukura' stared at me. No emotion as per usual as if he didn't almost get stabbed. How could he possibly be calm?!
"Matsuda, it is fine. You should cool down before we get further in this discussion."
"It's not fine! She just tried to stab you!! I-"
"You had to understand that she would pull something like this. Please, try to calm down."
I could feel my breath rocking my entire frame. Anger tried to go down to a simmer as he stared at me. God, why couldn't I be more controlled like him? How could I create someone so much better than me? Junko interrupted me before I could agree. "See? You had to admit that even you couldn't guess if my baby Yasuke was gonna scream at me or side with me. Those negative emotions bring out the best in people. Pure unpredictability." She smirked up at me. Every ounce of her showing signs of straight happiness. She was ecstatic. "You fail to see another side of this, Enoshima. Extreme positive emotions have their unpredictability as well. You are fighting a losing battle." She attempted to wiggle out before he tightened his grip. "You can say that, but I want you to think about it. With our wits together, we could be worshiped in a world full of chaos. We could throw the world into our personal entertainment! Come on, Kamukura. Think about it for me?" Moving her head to look at him more, I couldn't see her face. I didn't have to. I knew she was smiling like some idiot. Happily awaiting for him to agree to her batshit ideology.
He didn't hesitate. He simply used one hand to jab a point in her neck and she was out. Out cold. It took a second to process what he did while he let go of her completely. "W-what did you do? You complete moron!" I quickly got closer to her. Checking if she was okay despite knowing 'Kamukura' well enough to know he wouldn't hurt her. "Do not worry. I hit a pressure point to cause her to sleep. She will not have any pain once she awakens." He sat in his bed, unbothered. Possibly annoyed while I was on the floor, scooping Junko into my arms like she was genuinely hurt and I could protect her. Again, I knew better. This entire experience was proving to me that I didn't know what the hell I was doing. "You seem upset, Matsuda. You know I could not have let her run free without the risk of her hurting others…" He kept those false red eyes locked onto me, almost like he was disappointed. I shook my head. I didn't know why. He didn't say anything that wasn't true, yet my body instinctively made me do it.
I had nothing to say. My mind continuously searched for something to justify this or to just apologize. How could I when I couldn't even pin down what I was thinking? "I do not understand why you allowed her here. I hoped you were exaggerating her destruction. Is she typically this bold?" He asked plainly. Continuing to look down at us, I couldn't explain what this feeling he gave me was. Not fear. Not embarrassment. Not even anger. I guess I could say I was baffled by his ability to stop her, just like that. How stupid could I be for not stopping this myself? Jealousy of not having his foresight to do better buzzed throughout everything louder and louder. "She can be. Haha, this shit is ridiculous, y'know?" I didn't know what was happening. What should I do? What could I do? "I suppose it is. You should take her to your dorm since it is closer. Carrying an unconscious person around for longer than necessary would not be a smart decision. Especially at night." He was completely right. I should just take her and calm down so I could face him tomorrow morning.
This couldn't have gone any worse. I knew this was gonna suck, but God, I really fucked this up. I had to go back to breathing normally. 'Kamukura' obviously already knew I was tense, yet I had my dignity in trying to hide it. For some reason, I opened my mouth. Asking one of the millions of dumbass questions going through my head in a jumbled mess. "Are you seriously planning on thinking about her bullshit thought process?" I adjust her in my arms as I insult her. She looked so peaceful all leaned up against me. "I cannot say I will not think about it on occasion. However, I do not plan on agreeing on any plans with her nor causing unnecessary harm." As he said the most comforting statement he could about the subject, I wondered if I should believe him. He had no reason to lie to me. As far as I was aware, he never did. If he had the ability to think so far ahead and whatever, he could be starting on his plan to become like her. I knew in the back of my mind I was being paranoid by projecting my uneasiness on him of all people. Stupidly childish. At that moment, you couldn't have told me the facts about my behavior.
"You better mean that. If I catch you going around causing hell, I'll fucking kill you. I can't take any more of this!" I held Junko even closer, despite her actions causing me to be here and say dumb things like some emotional kid. Instead of insulting me or pointing out the obvious in him being a superhuman, he simply reassured me. Genuine reassurance with no malicious intent behind it. He got a bit closer so he could look into my face as he said what he had to, although his eyes were still vacant. "There is no need for threats, Matsuda. I do not plan on such things. I understand how conflicted you must be. You should rest. We can talk about it some other time." Pure logic and reason in that deadpan response. While I sat there on the cold tile floor with her in my arms still, I thought about all the overly harsh comments I could say back to him. Luckily, I snapped out of it, but not for a reason I was proud of. What snapped me to my senses was the thought of how I should take Junko back. Her contacts could damage her eyes if she stayed like this all night. She hasn't fallen asleep with them in before as far as I knew, I didn't want to be the reason it happened. Directly or not.
I pulled myself back in. All these sickly emotions bottled up again as I picked Junko up. Partially trying to hide how difficult it was for me to lift her, I tiredly laughed at this entire situation. The realization of my actions and what I've said chime in just in time for me to feel the shame right in front of him. I stared at his expression as I adjusted my grip on her, like his face would give me any indicator of what he was thinking. Of course, it didn't change in the slightest. That commonplace sarcasm was all I had to use to hide the shame because any apology wouldn't be good enough. "Oh, look at you, Mr. Compassionate and Understanding all of the sudden. How noble of you to spare me from your oh-so-intense plans. Can't wait for that 'some other time' when you grace me with your wisdom again." I headed to the door after the sentence ended. I had to get out of here. Junko's eyes and my own sanity were on the line. "I will see you tomorrow, Matsuda. Do not let this affect our relationship. Neither of us can afford that." I stared at the door as he said that. Words that echoed in my mind until the very end. Again, he was completely right. I wish I could've accepted that at the time. "...Whatever. See you tomorrow."