This was requested by jeh517Work Text:Episode opens on Splinter, who is meditating. Loud noises and screams from a television show disturb him.]Michelangelo "Whoa. Outrageous. This is the part where the slime monster scarfs up the entire city of Cleveland."Splinter "I warn you, too much television warps the mind and promotes violence."Turtles "Right. You bet. You're right, Master. Uh, huh."[Scene shifts to Shredder.]Bebop "What's this thing, boss? Another toy from Krang?"Shredder "It happens to be a state-of-the-art matter transporter. With it, I can transmit an object anywhere in the world."Rocksteady "Like what?"Shredder "Like sending two ill-mannered slobs to the city dump."Rocksteady "Huh? What's this place?"Bebop "Maybe it's one of them nouvelle cuisine restaurants."[They are picked up by a bucket loader and dropped into the sewer system.]Rocksteady "I guess they want to make sure you wash before you eat."Michelangelo "Oh, awesome. Who's the slime monster gonna scarf up next?"Raphael "Who cares as long as she's a real good screamer."Rocksteady "It's the ninja turtles!"Leonardo "Rocksteady and Bebop!"Bebop "We're gonna turn you guys into turtle mush!"Raphael "Now it's my turn, wart-breath. Beginner's luck."Michelangelo "Let's get it on, tusk-teeth."Donatello "Oh, no! He's turned our TV set into a vast wasteland."Leonardo "This time, he's gone too far."Turtles "Turtle power! Turtle power!"Rocksteady "I'm coming to help you, Bebop."Michelangelo "Not really, dude."Shredder "I think those idiots have learned their lesson by now. Scat! Get away! No! Look out! Blasted cat!"Leonardo "All right, chumps! They've disappeared."Michelangelo "Whoa! Like vaporized!"Splinter "I am pleased you have at last turned down the television."Rocksteady "Why'd you bring us back, boss?"Bebop "Yeah. We was just about to pulverize them shell backs."Shredder "You found the turtles' hiding place?"Bebop "We sure did."Shredder "Quickly. What was the exact location?"Rocksteady "Well, let's see; um, first, we went this way. And then, um, we went that way."Bebop "I think we turned left. Or was it right?"Rocksteady "Or was it down and then up? All them sewers looks alike to me."Shredder "Silence! Serves me right for using cheap mutant labor."[Back at the lair, the turtles are lamenting their broken television.]Michelangelo "Oh, bummer, man. Could you fix it, Donatello?"Donatello "I don't know. It looks pretty far gone."Michelangelo "You mean we're gonna miss 'It Came From the Sewers'? Well, that's my favorite flick!"Leonardo "Don't panic, fellas. Maybe April can help us."April O'Neil "This is April O'Neil, Channel 6 news, speaking with this year's winner of the fat cabbies contest, Myron Bimbleton. Tell us, what is the secret of your success?"Myron Bimbleton "Chili burgers and onions. Lots of onions."April "You said a mouthful, Myron. This is April O'Neil. Channel 6 news."Vernon Fenwick "Ok. That's a wrap."April "Really, Vernon, why must I do these idiotic human-interest stories?"Vernon "Because the public eats them up."April "Right. With lots of onions."Vernon "My, aren't we grumpy."April "April here. What's up, guys?"Donatello "We've got an emergency and we need your help."April "Now, this sounds like a real story."Donatello "Yeah, right. There are these gigantic alligators in the sewer."April "Fantastic! I'll bring my video camera."Donatello "We'd rather you brought a spare TV instead."April "Oh, you got me over here so you could watch a movie about alligators in the sewers?"Michelangelo "Exactamundo. Awesome flick, isn't it?"Raphael "Hey, you guys want to hold it down? You're drowning out all the screams."April "What happened here? World War III?"Splinter "Not quite. There was a fight with two of Shredder's thugs."April "Here? But how? This sewer home of yours is the best-kept secret in the city."Splinter "They must have used some form of matter transporter."April "Wow. That would make some story."Splinter "If we could find Shredder's hideout."April "Chinese food? Don't tell me that you guys have given up pizza?"Leonardo "It's Rocksteady and Bebop's. It's not bad enough they trashed the place, they also left their garbage!"April "Woo's Oriental Palace. So long, guys. Enjoy your movie."Raphael "Hey, she can't go to Woo's by herself. That place is really bad."Donatello "The food is even worse."Leonardo "We better follow her."April "Something tells me I shouldn't be doing this, but here goes. What a dive. Excuse me. Are you Mr. Woo?"Woo "I am Woo. Who are you?"April "I'm April O'Neil, a TV reporter."Woo "Hmm. We do not like nosy reporters."April "I'm not that kind of reporter. I'm a restaurant critic. Delicious. Did you serve a couple of weird-looking customers in the last hour? One that looks like a rhino and the other looks like a wart hog."Woo "I remember them. They wore Halloween masks. They came from warehouse at end of pier."April "Thanks. I'll recommend this place to my friends."Angry Diner "Hey, shorty, where's my won tons?"[Woo tosses the diner against a wall.]Woo "All out of won tons."[April reaches Shredder's hideout.]April "This must be the matter transporter Splinter talked about. I'd better back this story up with some photos. Scat, kitty. You're in my shot."[The cat walks across the control panel, and then jumps on the matter transporter with April. The machine activates.]April "W-what happened ? I--I feel so woozy. What's going on?"[Cut to April as she approaches her apartment. Behind her are a bunch of cats.]Irma "April? April, you know the landlord doesn't allow pets."April "What could I do, Irma? They followed me home. Wow, what a day. I feel like something the cat dragged in."Irma "Gee. Let me fix you something to eat."April "That sounds good."Irma "First, I'll feed your furry friends."April "You're a nice person for a human."Irma "How's that again?"April "Don't mind me-ow, Irma. I'm so tired, I don't know what I'm saying."Irma "Well, I'll leave you so you can take a little cat nap."April "Ooh. I thought she'd never leave."[Crouches on the ground so she can drink from the bowl of milk Irma put down for the cats.]Raphael "You know, I'm getting pretty bored with these private eye disguises."Donatello "I'm sorry, fellas, but our French poodle suits are still at the cleaners."Leonardo "Quit griping, guys. We're trying to help April. And this is where we'll find her."Donatello "Uh, oh. I smell trouble."Raphael "Can't smell worse than the food."Angry Diner "Who are you supposed to be, Humphrey Bogus?"Leonardo "You hit the nail right on the head, sweetheart."Michelangelo "Yeah! Now, listen here, you mugs. I'm giving the orders around here, see? All right, so I don't do Bogart."Angry Diner "Enough stalling! You turkeys are about to get plucked."Raphael "Wrong, bozo! We're turtles, not turkeys."Sumo Wrestler "Ohh, I'm going to make turtle stew."Donatello "This one's on me, fellas.[He breaks a table in half with his bō.]Hyah!"[Two patrons throw cabbages at Raphael, who catches them on his sai.]Raphael "Back at you, cabbage heads."[Raphael throws the cabbages back, hitting the two men in the face.]Diners "Unh!"[Leonardo tosses a cantaloupe in the air and slices it into thick pieces.]Michelangelo "Allow me.[He uses his nunchaku to hit the cantaloupe slices and send them splatting into the faces of several patrons.]Man, there's nothing like a furious, fun-filled, food flinging fight! Try saying that three times fast."[Scene shifts to April's dressing room at the Channel 6 news station.]Vernon "One minute to air time, April.[April turns and hisses at him.]Was it something I said?"April "Meo-out! Out! Out!"[She picks up a vase and flings it at him. Vernon ducks and the vases smashes on the door.]Vernon "Well, there's no need to get catty."Irma "April, I'm worried. You're not acting at all like yourself."April "You'd better go, Irma. Nowww!"Irma "Not until you tell me what's going on!"April "I went to the hideout of thisss character called Shredder. I was taking pictures of sssome machine when sssomething happened to me-ow!"Irma "Gosh. Oh, my gosh. It's turned you into a cat."April "Yesss. That's why I must go back and reverse what happened. Meow."Irma "No way! I'm not letting you out of this room![She blocks the door, but April hisses at her.]Of course, if you insist on going..."April "Don't worry about me-ow."[April climbs out of the window and down the side of the building.]Irma "My best friend has turned into a cat. I don't know whether to call 911 or the animal shelter. What's this? Some kind of weird walkie-talkie? Hello? Hello?"Donatello "Those kung fu guys turned out to be a bunch of chicken lo meins."Raphael "Yeah, with the accent on 'lo'."Irma "Hello, is anyone there?"[Leonardo takes his turtlecom from his belt.]Leonardo "Who are you?"Irma "Never mind that. Who are you?"Leonardo "I'm Leonardo."Irma "Ohh! You really are a turtle."Raphael "Congratulations, lady. You just won the national wildlife award."Irma "April's in trouble. If you care anything about her, meet me at the subway station at 4th and Broadway and I'll explain everything."Leonardo "We're on our way. Okay, guys, it's turtle time!"[April climbs through an open window at Shredder's hideout.]April "I mussst remember which buttons the cat touched."[Shredder, Bebop and Rocksteady arrive.]Shredder "Someone is snooping around."Rocksteady "Hey, you!"[April hisses and knocks both Rocksteady and Bebop down.]Rocksteady "What do you know, it's half animal."Bebop "Yeah, just like us."Shredder "Miss O'Neil, what are you doing here?[She hisses at him.]So that's it. You've been transmutated with a cat. This should hold you.[He pulls a lever and a cage drops over April.]Get her something to eat. It may calm her down."Bebop "Oh, I've got just the thing, boss.[He holds a mouse up by its tail.]Hey, kitty, look at what Bebop brought you for din-din.[He holds the mouse out, but it bites him.]Ow!"[He drops the mouse in the cage. April screams and recoils away from the mouse.]Shredder "You fool! She's still more female than feline. She might not eat a rodent, but perhaps she'll help me hunt one down."[At the subway station, Irma approaches the Turtles, who have their backs turned and are wearing disguises.]Irma "Excuse me, did you happen to see-- Oh, wow! The t—"Donatello "Cool it. We're top secret."Michelangelo "Yeah, like, you want to blow our cover?"Irma "Oh, sorry. I guess I got carried away."Leonardo "Okay. So what happened to April?"Irma "Well, first she turned into a cat, and then she drank milk from a saucer, and then she jumped out the window, and then she went to some man called Shredder—"Raphael "Hey, whoa, whoa. Slow down."Michelangelo "Right. Could you, like, rewind that and play it back at normal speed?"Leonardo "She said April went to Shredder's hideout. That's all we need to know."Donatello "Did she happen to tell you where it is?"Irma "No, but she did take some pictures of the place. Maybe they're still at her apartment."Leonardo "Her apartment? Let's go!"Shredder "Don't be frightened. I am your friend."April "No. You are enemy."Rocksteady "Here, kitty. A brand-new collar."[He fastens a mind control collar around April's neck.]Bebop "How come you're giving her such pretty presents, boss?"Shredder "It's not a present, you cretin. The effects of the molecular crossover will only last a short time, but with that collar, she will obey my every command forever. And I command you to hunt down Splinter."April "Yesss, Massster."[April goes to the zoo and releases a tiger. Cut to the Turtles, in an alley next to April's apartment building.]Donatello "Which one is April's apartment?"Leonardo "It's that one up there."Donatello "And look what's down here."[They spot the tiger coming towards them.]Donatello "Uh, April, is that you?"Michelangelo "I guess not."Donatello "You guys start climbing. I'll handle this. Back, big fellow. Back! That was great, Michelangelo. Thanks."Michelangelo "Oh, nothing to it, bud. Just remember, pizza's the perfect payback."Irma "Hi, fellas. What took you so long?"Raphael "Irma! How'd you get in here?"Irma "I've got a key."Donatello "You mean we climbed that fire escape for nothing?"Leonardo "It's okay. We needed the workout."Irma "I found April's notes. It says this guy Shredder's hideout is an old warehouse on the dock. And here are some photos she took of the place."Donatello "It's a molecular transporter. Then Splinter was right."Michelangelo "How totally weird. Like, that's the same cat in every photo."Donatello "That explains everything. April and the cat must've gotten their molecules switched."Raphael "Which means that somewhere out there is a cat who's trying to choose just the right nail polish for its claws."Leonardo "Turtles, we've got to find April."Splinter "Finally, the lair is as it should be, but where are those turtles? Go away! Out of here! Cats--the one creature I truly fear."April "Yes, Massster, I hear you. We must destroy Sssplinter."Shredder "Oh, what delicious irony. Soon they will find Splinter and tear him to shreds."Krang "Well, Shredder, you finally did something right."Shredder "May I remind you, Krang, it was your transporter that malfunctioned."Krang "Oh? And now you'd like me to send a repairman, right? Maybe you'd like me to fix your washing machine, too."Shredder "Just the instructions will do."Krang "All right, but I warn you, when I send the Technodrome, there will be no second chances."Splinter "Om... I must rid my mind of this dreaded fear of cats. Om... My deepest nightmare come to life."[The Tiger enters the lair. He turns to run, but the exit is blocked by April.]Splinter "April! What's come over you? I must try to contact the turtles."Michelangelo "Yoo-hoo! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."Raphael "Aw, there's a million cats in this city and we're supposed to find one ordinary stray?"Donatello "Hi there, pussycat. What's your name? Is that really you, April? See? I told you I was her favorite oh wow you're hot as a cat."Michelangelo "It's not you, man. It's those anchovy pizzas you eat."Leonardo "The turtlecom."Splinter "Quickly, Turtles, I need you."Leonardo "Master! Come in, Master! Splinter needs our help."Irma "Splinter. Who's that? He sounds cute."Raphael "Yeah. Cute enough to eat."Splinter "Back! Back I say! Shredder must be behind this. But how did he find me?"April "I led him here. Master Shredder sent us to destroy you."Splinter "I will not fight you."April "That will not ssstop me."Splinter "No. I do not know what Shredder has done to you, but you are still my friend and the Turtles' friend."April "Turtles?"Splinter "Yes! You care deeply for one another."April "No! That was in the passst. Sssay farewell, Master Splinter."Leonardo "April, no! It's us! The ninja turtles."April "Ninja Turtles, my friends."Donatello "Right, and this is our sensei, remember?"April "Yesss, also my friend. No!"Donatello "It's that collar! It's controlling her thoughts!"April "Mussst kill all of you! Shredder commands it! Rowr!"Michelangelo "Holy cat! She's gone totally nutsoid!"Leonardo "I'll take care of this."Donatello "No, Leonardo, don't!"Raphael "What are you doing?"Leonardo "Just this![He slices the collar from her neck.]So much for Shredder's thought control."April "Wh-what happened?"Donatello "Let's just say for a while there, you were catatonic."Raphael "Uh, oh. We're not out of the jungle yet."Donatello "And this one's not wearing a collar."Michelangelo "Chill out, dudes. This one's on me."[He sets down a wind-up mouse, which rolls past the tiger. The tiger chases it and runs straight into a large cage. Raphael slams the door shut behind it.]Raphael "Got you."Donatello "That ought to hold him until we can notify the zoo."Leonardo "Boy, Michelangelo, you and your dumb toys."Michelangelo "Like I always say, Never look a gift mouse in the mouth."Shredder "Blast it! My control over April O'Neil's thought waves has been terminated."Bebop "So, what do we do with her lunch? Ow! He did it again."Rocksteady "Don't sweat it. I'll get the little nipper."Shredder "No, you idiot. Don't!"Rocksteady "Uh-oh. I think we broke it."Bebop "What do you mean we, horn head?"Shredder "Hurry, you cretins. Out of here! I'll get you turtles yet, if it's the last thing I do!"Donatello "Well, April, how's it feel being a human again?"April "Awful. My nails are absolutely ruined from walking around on all fours."Raphael "Yep. She's back to being a woman, all right."Irma "Yoo-hoo! Splinter? Are you in there?"Donatello "Irma, what are you doing in the sewers?"Irma "Well, a woman will go to any depths to meet her dream man. Now, where is this hunky Splinter guy?"Splinter "I am Splinter."Irma "You're a, you're a rat!"Splinter "Precisely. You must be Irma."
Irma "Wrong. I must be going."