i can wish all that i want (but it won't bring us together)

by unusannus

Out of all of the people that Ed could've fallen for, why does it have to be Mustang? [royed, slightly one-sided]

Edward Elric has got a strange feeling.

At first he doesn't know why it happens, what causes him to feel it in the first place. He doesn't really understand it right away, isn't sure what it is. He's sure he would be unable to describe it with words, even if he were to try, but the closest he could get is something almost like... butterflies. It's just barely noticeable, a seemingly random twinge of... something, in his chest. It makes his heart beat so fast, makes his face feel warm. It confuses him endlessly for a while, leaving him wondering why exactly it happens when it does, wondering what it even is. Wondering, wondering, wondering.

(That is, until the realization of what it really is comes crashing down upon him all too suddenly one night and he feels like an idiot.)

The first time he ever feels this strange thing is the day when he's lying on the cold ground in the rain. The man with the scar has just completely destroyed his right arm – he'd blasted the metal to dozens of pieces in a single instant with his own right arm, leaving the fragments of automail now scattered across the pavement somewhere near Edward's feet.

There are people nearby, just watching them, watching as Ed stumbles backwards and hits the ground. All keep their distance, making no move to stop the scarred man and help Ed get out of the mess he's found himself in – not that he really even knows why he's in this mess to begin with, considering that he doesn't think that he's made enough enemies that someone would try to come and kill him, but anyway – Ed guesses it doesn't matter why it's happening as long as he can get out of it alive, right? He also guesses that he doesn't really blame the bystanders for not wanting to intervene and risk their own lives for a military dog and his suit of armor brother, but with how helpless he feels in this moment, having been in pain all day from the weather, and now one-armed and unable to do alchemy as someone is attacking him with the intent to kill... well, an intervention would be nice right about now.

Alphonse is screaming at him to get up and run away, to leave him behind and save himself, but Ed can't listen to him, frozen in place on the ground, stunned at how easily this man is able to take them down. Also, what the hell kind of older brother would he be if he did what Al is telling him to do? He's supposed to protect his little brother, not just abandon him to save his own skin. Especially not now – after everything they've been through, all of their sacrifices. After going through hell and back together.

And especially after he just failed to protect Nina. No, he can't let another person die on his watch. He can't let Al be killed too.

"Edward Elric," the scarred man begins. "Before I take your life, I will give you a moment to pray to God."

"No, don't touch him!" Al yells, and the man looks only at Edward, giving him the promised moment. Ed rolls over onto his right side, unsure of what to do as Al continues to shout at the both of them from the alley, his body crumpled and broken and unable to get up and help Ed himself. "Brother, you have to get up! Get up! What are you thinking?! Just go!"

"Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. X-Marks-The-Spot..." Ed says to the man, who is not impressed with Ed's nickname for him, "but there's no God that I feel like praying to."

The man just stares down at him, eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses. Ed tries very hard to ignore All telling him to flee.

"Tell me," Ed murmurs after a moment of silence, "are you going to kill my younger brother, Al, too? Or am I the only one you're after?"

"If anyone gets in my way, I will eliminate them," the man answers calmly. "That includes your brother as well. But as of this moment, I only have business with you, Fullmetal Alchemist."

Edward nods solemnly. "All right then," he says, resigned. His voice is coming out more even than he would expect it to, considering how much he's shaking right now. "Promise me something. Promise me that if I die, you won't touch my brother."

"What?!" Al shrieks in disbelief. "Ed, what are you talking about?!"

"I promise," the man says, and Ed can tell that he means it, at least.

Ed exhales shakily as the man approaches him. He is prepared to die right now, lying in the middle of the street in the rain, if it means that the scarred man will let Al live. He isn't a target, but Ed is, and if Al gets in the way of that, he will die too – unnecessarily. And Ed just can't have that. Al has been through enough because of Ed – he shouldn't die for him, too.

Edward keeps still as the man looms over him, arm outstretched, reaching down towards his face as he prepares to end his life. Al's pleas and cries make it extremely difficult, but Ed doesn't move a muscle, feeling completely terrified but knowing that giving up and dying now with the promise of Al's safety is easier than watching what might become of his brother if he keeps fighting or simply runs away.

"Leave him alone!" Al demands, but the man doesn't listen, so he calls out to Ed instead. "Ed, please... just run away!"

But Edward does not obey.

If Al had the capability to cry, Ed knows that he would be in tears right now. "I can't live without you, Brother!" he screams, and that's what finally breaks Ed, what finally makes him think.

Giving up his life to save Al's would also count as abandoning him, wouldn't it?

Besides, it's Edward's fault that Al is the way he is, and so he is responsible for getting him back to normal, meaning... he can't die yet. He has to live, find the Philosopher's Stone, and get Al his body back. He promised, and he needs to keep that promise. If he dies right now, the remainder of Al's life is basically a hundred percent guaranteed to be lived out in that suit of armor, and Ed would be breaking his promise.

Ed, having now suddenly changed his mind, narrowly manages to move out of the way of the scarred man's hand, just barely avoiding death. He drags himself across the ground, trying to give himself enough room to be able to fight back. He swings his left leg up, managing to slam his metal shin into the man's knee as hard as he can, knocking him off his feet. He hits the ground and Ed quickly stands, a little unsteady, heart pounding as he looks around for anything that might help him. Before he can move too far away, the scarred man reaches out and takes hold of his automail leg, and it too, winds up in pieces. Ed goes crashing back to the ground and Al calls out for him.

"You're not getting away that easily," the man says, hands gripping his knee in what Ed assumes is pain. It would be nice if he broke something, but Ed figures he probably just left the guy bruised, and nothing more. At least he's temporarily down, buying Ed a little bit of time.

His own leg is gone now too though, leaving him basically immobile and defenseless. Ed wishes that he had some way of drawing a transmutation circle to create himself a weapon, at the very least, but there's nothing within reach. He supposes that could use his own blood, but... there's risks that come with that.

Well, there's no time to think too much about whether or not he should do it. Edward knows that he has to do something, and quick. He reaches for a sharp piece of broken automail from the ground and quickly attempts to determine the best place to wound himself that's shallow enough that it won't cause much damage, but will also give him enough blood to draw a transmutation circle with. Thankfully, all that studying he did on the human body in preparation for the transmutation of his mother comes in handy and will hopefully allow him to miss anything too important.

Breathing heavily and bracing for the pain, he drives the metal shard into his lower abdomen and then slices.

"Brother!" Al screams at him. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Blood seeps from the wound. It hurts like a bitch but the injury itself is probably going to be nothing to worry about – at least for the next several minutes, he thinks. It's definitely not enough to be fatal, unless he's extremely unlucky. It's enough for what he needs, though, so he gets to work and draws a circle as fast as he physically can on the pavement using his own blood.

"Stupid boy," the scarred man mutters as he rises to his feet, stumbling only a little from the damage to his knee. "You're just prolonging the inevitable."

Ed quickly transmutes a stone fist that slams into the man. The impact sends him flying into the wall of a building and then he drops to the ground, but even that still isn't enough to keep him down – he slowly gets back to his feet. Ed gawks at him momentarily, surprised at how resilient he is, and tries to draw another circle to make a weapon, but the scarred man is faster and won't give him the chance. He rushes towards Edward while he's still vulnerable, using a kick to slam his upper body the rest of the way to the ground, causing him to bash his head against the pavement.

"Brother, no!" Al screams, and Ed can barely register it over the pain and the sudden ringing in his ears.

For a brief couple of seconds, he gets dizzy and then temporarily blacks out, his vision going blurry and then dark. When he opens his eyes, everything looks fuzzy, but he can still see the shape of the man, now on top of him. He has Ed pinned down and is reaching towards his face with his destructive right arm.

A gunshot from somewhere nearby causes Edward's ears to ring again, and the man stops moving, looking towards the noise. Ed tries to look as well, but he feels dazed and confused and everything is still a little out of focus.

"That's enough," comes a voice, and Ed almost immediately recognizes it to be Roy Mustang's. "That was pretty close, Fullmetal."

"Colonel?" Ed calls back, feeling a little relieved. If Mustang and the others were to have arrived just a second or two later, Edward would already be dead, and that's just a little too close for Ed's liking.

"This man," Colonel Mustang says, obviously referring to the one still currently atop Ed, "is suspected in the serial killings of state alchemists. And... judging from what I'm seeing here right now, that suspicion just became fact."

The scarred man rises to his feet, leaving Ed for now, and all Ed can do is take a breath. Everything hurts and sleep calls to him, but he tries to hold on to whatever consciousness he has left. He needs to make sure that Al is okay, and then he can sleep.

"Tell me..." Mustang continues on, his eyes narrowing at the man in front of him, "The murder at the Tucker Estate. That was you too, wasn't it?"

Ed gasps softly, feeling angry all over again now knowing that this guy was probably the one who murdered poor Nina. She didn't deserve to die. How could someone – this man, allegedly – just kill her?

Ed tries to push himself up to fight again, but his head is spinning and it's making him feel sick to his stomach. He vomits on the street, and while it's extremely humiliating, it also makes him feel a little better somehow. Maybe not enough for a fight, but... Nina...

He has to fight for Nina.

"Edward, don't," Mustang orders firmly as Ed tries again to get up, and with no energy to really try and resist him, Ed reluctantly obeys his command. "Stay down. We will handle this."

"If you insist on stopping me," the man begins, "then I'll just eliminate all of you as well!"

A fight breaks out. Mustang is too confident and nearly gets himself killed, stupidly forgetting that can't use his flame alchemy in the rain. Thankfully, Lieutenant Hawkeye is able to keep him out of harm's way, knocking him flat on his ass and firing shots at the scarred man. Major Armstrong steps in, too, and together, they deal with the man themselves.

During the fight, Ed hears Armstrong refer to the man simply as "Scar", which he supposes makes sense as a nickname. After being grazed by a shot fired by Hawkeye, it's revealed that Scar is an Ishvalan, and upon seeing that he is extremely outnumbered, he ends up destroying the street and escaping into the sewers.

After a moment or two, Hughes arrives and chats with Mustang for a bit, and then the colonel finally approaches Ed, kneeling down beside him.

"Hey," he says, helping Ed slowly sit up. Ed notices Mustang briefly staring at the place where his arm used to be, but he doesn't mention it at all, just looks. "Are you all right? You weren't just going to let him kill you, were you, Fullmetal?"

It's asked slightly playfully, but it still makes Ed feel a little guilty that he did almost let Scar just end him at one point earlier. It was a stupid moment of weakness – Ed had just let his despair from what happened to Nina take over, and he gave up. He almost let the despair win, almost died because of it. He can't ever let that happen again.

Mustang takes off his uniform coat, draping it over Ed's shoulders, and that's when Ed first feels it – that weird little twinge in his chest. It's gone just as quickly as it comes, but it was still there, still noticeable. His heart is racing all of a sudden, though he isn't quite sure why. He tries to dismiss it.

"Edward," Mustang says, catching Ed's attention again. "You look like hell and your head is bleeding. Really, are you okay? And what about Alphonse?"

Ed's eyes widen at that. God, Al. He needs to make sure Al is all right, immediately.

"Fuck," Ed swears, and Mustang's eyebrows raise in surprise at the use of language. "Colonel, I... I need to get to Al and make sure he's okay... but my leg..."

Mustang follows Edward's gaze to his missing left leg and he frowns. "Come on, I'll help you get to him," he murmurs, and then calls for Hawkeye's help. She comes over, looking surprised at Ed's condition, but she simply helps Mustang get him up without a word, politely sidestepping the vomit.

Ed leans heavily on Mustang, using him and Hawkeye both as his crutches as they move over towards the alley where Al waits. The colonel and the lieutenant deposit him in front of Al and then step back a little, giving the brothers a private moment to themselves.

"Alphonse, are you all right?" Ed asks, inspecting the damage done to his brother's armor as best as he can with his head still spinning and throbbing. Al is leaning against the wall, his right leg and half of his right side missing. He's strangely quiet. Ed tries again to get a response out of him. "Al? Hey, Al? Are you okay? Say something, please..."

"Edward..." Al begins, voice starting off soft and tinny, but then it rises sharply, "you idiot!"

Ed is too late to register the large fist coming at his face. He falls back after being struck, stunned and confused all over again. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Hawkeye move as if planning to intervene, but Mustang holds an arm out to stop her, smirking.

"What the hell was that for?!" Ed asks pathetically, his hand cradling his aching cheek, but deep down, he knows he deserved that punch. And probably at least two more.

"Being stupid!" Al shouts at him. "Why didn't you run away like I told you to?!"

"I couldn't just leave you here..." Ed answers, and Al just hits him again for it.

"That's what I mean by stupid!"

"Why?! If I just left, you could've been killed!"

"You were almost killed, dammit!" Al argues, and Ed is taken aback at the swear. "Because you stayed and fought like a stupid idiot! Now look at you! Were you trying to kill yourself or something?!"

"Now who's being an idiot?!" Ed retorts with a scoff, but he feels a pang of guilt. Maybe he was trying to kill himself, but it was stupid and he'd never tell anyone about it. Besides, it'll never happen again. He pouts a little now. "And don't talk to your older brother that way..."

"I'll talk to you however I want!" Al tells him, grabbing the front of Ed's shirt and yanking him close. "You shouldn't have nearly let him kill you, and you shouldn't have stuck around to fight him! Brother, if you would've died, do you know how lost I would've been without you?!"

As those words sink in, Al's arm suddenly breaks. "Great!" he says sarcastically. "Now my arm fell off too! It's all your fault, Edward!"

Ed gives a weak laugh and then sighs, suddenly feeling extremely exhausted and lightheaded, and he wonders if it's from the fighting, hitting his head, or the blood loss – or a combination of the three. "We're a real mess, aren't we? How uncool."

"But at least we're alive," Al replies, calmer now.

"Yeah, we are," Ed agrees, smile fading a little. A moment passes, and then he speaks again. "Listen, Al... I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, but... I'm also not sorry. You're my little brother – I hate the thought of anything bad happening to you, especially because of me. You've been through enough. I wasn't going to leave you behind – I'll never leave you behind. We stick together, remember? We're all we have."

"Brother, you've given up a lot for me, too. Please... please never let your life be one of those things. That's all I ask."

"I can't promise you that," Ed tells him honestly. "But what I can promise is that if it comes down to it again, I will exhaust all other options first, okay? Every last one."

Al sighs now, definitely not happy with this answer but seemingly willing to not argue about it. "Okay," he says reluctantly. "Same goes for me, then."

It's at this point that Mustang, Hawkeye, and a couple of others head back over. While Havoc and Hawkeye get Al up, Mustang and Hughes help Ed to his feet. Well, foot. Ed feels a stab of pain when he's up again and winces, remembering the wound he'd given himself. He lifts his shirt a little to check on it, surprised at how bad it actually looks. No wonder it hurts so much.

"Geez, Ed, what the hell did you do?" Hughes asks him in surprise, and Mustang glances over at the wound.

"Did Scar do that?" he asks, but Edward just shakes his head.

"I did it to myself," he answers, glad that he had done it, because it bought him enough time for the others to show up and help him and Al. Mustang is quiet so Ed feels the need to explain his thought process, "I lost my arm and needed a way to make transmutation circles. It was stupid but... it worked."

Mustang hums. "Yeah, well... don't make a habit of doing that," he replies, and Ed can't help but to smile a little. "We'd better get you to the hospital then. Come on, let's go."

With that, he and Hughes pass Ed off to Armstrong, who picks up and carries Ed like he's made of paper. He guesses that without his automail, he is a lot lighter. That, and Armstrong is just freakishly... well, strong. And muscular.

"Probably need to call my mechanic, too," Ed sighs, knowing that Winry is definitely going to kick his ass for this. Maybe even kill him. He winces at the thought of her rage.

—

The second time he feels it is at some point during his stay at the hospital.

Edward's lying in bed, unable to do much of anything else with only one leg and one arm. He's getting antsy now that he physically can't do anything, feeling like he's wasting time just sitting around recovering, as stupid as it sounds. He feels bad that he can't fix Alphonse so that he can at least do something, even if Ed can't, but there isn't anything that Ed can do about putting Al back together until he has his limbs back.

He had called Winry as soon as he arrived at the hospital three days ago, and she was utterly pissed that not only did he break her automail, but he'd also hurt himself. She sounded so mad that Ed knows she likely would've hit him over the head with a wrench if he were in her vicinity, so he'd been grateful that he had to remain at the hospital due to his injuries, listening to her go on and on about how he's stupid and reckless and how she should totally kick his ass for this when she sees him next.

But then after a while, she took a breath and calmed herself, telling him that she and Granny Pinako would get to work immediately on making him new limbs and that she would deliver them to him directly in East City as soon as physically possible, but that it would still likely take about a week or so. Ed had balked at the idea of having to sit around for a week, but he still thanked her profusely, and she made him promise to take it easy and try to get better in the meantime.

So it's been three long and boring days, and Ed already feels like he's going a little crazy stuck in this room with nothing to do. Sure, Hughes and his family, as well as Armstrong, Hawkeye, Havoc, and a couple of others had all come by to visit – Hughes more than anyone, really – but there has still been several long stretches of time where it's just Ed and Al and nobody else. And that's fine – Ed doesn't get tired of spending time talking with his brother, but things still have been pretty boring. And besides, Ed is just really getting tired of having to call for help every single time he needs to get up to use the bathroom or bathe or do anything that requires getting up and out of bed.

Stupid Scar just had to take his leg, too, didn't he? It couldn't have only just been the arm, could it? No, of course not, because if it were just the arm, he could go and do other things. But instead he's stuck in this stupid bed, bored out of his mind.

Ed decides that the universe is out to make him miserable. That must be the case.

There's a sudden knock at the door in the early afternoon and Edward turns his head to look at it as it's opened. In comes Mustang (for the first time since Ed has been stuck in this awful place) and Hughes, who completely just ignores Ed entirely to start showing more photos of his daughter to Al. Ed smiles at the sight of the man gushing over the photos while Al sits there awkwardly and nods along to whatever the lieutenant colonel is saying.

Ed then turns his gaze back to Mustang. "Hey Colonel," he greets, frankly a little bit surprised to see the man. Ed was so sure that he would come by for a visit sometime, even after the first day passed and there was no sign of him, but when he didn't show yesterday either, Ed had found himself to be a little disappointed, for some reason unbeknownst to him. Now Mustang is here, however, right after Ed had just gotten over convincing himself that the colonel was too busy to cone by and see him.

"Fullmetal," Mustang greets back, standing there with his hands behind his back. "You seem to be feeling somewhat better. You look a lot better too."

"Yeah, I'm doing okay, I guess," Ed says, feeling a little awkward at the attempt at small talk. He can tell that something is up just by looking at Mustang's face, so he gets right to the point. "So, uh... what brings you here?"

"I had something I wanted to discuss with you," Mustang answers easily, keeping it vague, but his tone tells Ed that it's important. "Mind joining me for lunch in the cafeteria? I'm sure you'd probably enjoy a little break from that bed and this room." He gestures around the area with his hand.

Ed parts his lips to speak, but Mustang doesn't let him, responding to his worries before he even shares them, "Hughes will stay here and keep Alphonse company while we talk. It won't take long, I promise."

Ed looks at Al, who silently gazes back and nods. "Go ahead, Brother," he encourages. "I'll stay back with Mr. Hughes."

"Okay then," Ed says, eyes then shifting over to the wheelchair. Mustang follows his gaze, but doesn't say or do anything. Ed winces a little, diffident. "I might need your help getting up," he admits, feeling small and useless and slightly pathetic.

"Sure," Mustang replies politely. He steps closer to the bed as Edward frees himself from the sheets and blankets, and when he's close enough, Mustang bends a little so that Ed can gingerly wrap his left arm around the colonel's neck. He feels Mustang's right hand settle on his back while the left scoops up his legs, holding him underneath his thighs.

Mustang lifts him from the bed without much effort and Ed feels it again – that thing that he can't describe in his chest. His hold on Mustang's coat tightens a little and he hides his face the best he can in the man's shoulder, his heart thumping away. Ed doesn't know why, but he feels strangely nervous. What is this that he's feeling? Why is it happening again?

"I've got you," Mustang tells him quietly, and then he steps back to turn towards the wheelchair. He gently sets Ed down on the seat and Ed finally releases him, settling into the chair a little uncomfortably as Mustang moves to push him out of the room.

He's suddenly reminded of that day, years ago, when Mustang and Hawkeye had come to Resembool in search of him and Al. It was the first time they'd ever met and Mustang had just stared at him from across the room. Ed had just sat pathetically in that wheelchair, so small and broken and defeated.

First it was a look of pity that crossed the lieutenant colonel's face, then quickly came the fury. Mustang had taken several strides towards him and roughly grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him in close to yell at him, demanding to know what he had done, what he created, and Edward had been so depressed and hopeless at the time that it barely even rattled him. All he could feel was guilt for what happened to Al. It was all his fault.

But as Mustang later went on and on talking to Granny Pinako about him and Al becoming state alchemists and all of the benefits that would come with it, how it could possibly even lead them to getting their bodies back to normal... it had begun to fill Ed with hope again. The more Mustang had talked, Ed couldn't help but to listen, transfixed on the colonel and his words until Ed was determined to do whatever he needed to do to recover so that he could take Mustang up on his offer and get Al back into his own body again.

Even if it meant pushing himself to the extreme, days spent feverish and in pain, spitting up blood and crying until he passed out, only to wake up do it all again. When he was finally get back on two legs again after one year instead of three, the first thing he'd wanted to do was go searching for Colonel Mustang.

If the colonel had never come to see him that day, well... things would probably be much different now, Ed thinks.

Not too much later, in the cafeteria, Edward sits across from the colonel at a more secluded table in the corner. He eats quickly, almost like it's his first ever meal, and he hears Mustang chuckle at him for it. Ed gives him a questioning look.

"Are you even able to taste your food when you eat so fast, Fullmetal?" the colonel asks teasingly, and Ed raises an eyebrow at him, not slowing down his pace. "You know, I've always wondered – how is it that you eat so much and yet you're still so... small...?"

Ed abruptly stops with his fork halfway to his mouth, shooting daggers at the man across the table from him. "What the hell did you just call me, bastard?" he practically growls through gritted teeth. "Who are you calling a microscopic half-pint who didn't grow up because he doesn't drink milk?!"

Mustang only laughs at him in response to that. Edward feels his face heat up in embarrassment, but he continues to glare away in spite of the blush now settling upon his cheeks.

"Take it easy, Ed," Mustang says amusedly, and Ed angrily shoves the next bite of food into his mouth. Stupid colonel.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" he asks a moment or two later, and Mustang hunches over the table, leaning towards Ed like he wants to speak quietly.

"It's about the Philosopher's Stone," he murmurs, and Ed mirrors his movements by leaning in closer, suddenly very interested, his food forgotten. "I've heard that there's a former state alchemist who might know a thing or two about it, living in a quaint little unnamed village somewhere between here and Resembool. Not sure if there's any truth to it, but it might be something, so I thought that you should know. I figured that when you get out of here, you and Alphonse could go check it out."

Ed glances up at Mustang's face and nods. "Yeah, sounds good," he replies with a small smile and goes back to scarfing his food. "Good to know. Thanks, Colonel."

Mustang finally leans away, watching him with a fond expression, which has Ed feeling strange. "Don't mention it, Fullmetal."

After a couple of minutes, Mustang finally wheels Ed back to his room where Hughes and Al are waiting for them. Mustang repeats the process of lifting Ed up out of the chair and he then sets him back down on the bed, leaving him to get comfortable. Hughes comes over to say goodbye and that he'll come back tomorrow, and as they both turn to leave the room, Ed calls out for Mustang.

"By the way, Colonel... before you go, can I ask a favor?"

Mustang pauses in the doorway and looks at Ed quizzically. "Sure."

"Do you think you could have someone bring by some library books or something for me and Al? Or at least just something for us to do? It's kinda boring in here and neither of us will be fixed for another four days or so."

Mustang gives Ed a slight smile. "Sure, I'll get Lieutenant Havoc right on it. See you boys later."

With that, he gives a lazy wave and leaves with Hughes. Ed looks over at Al, who is already gazing his way.

"So are you allowed to tell me what the colonel wanted?" Al asks curiously, and Ed begins to fill him in excitedly about this former state alchemist who might have a Philosopher's Stone, and the unnamed village he supposedly resides in, all the while hoping that this lead won't be yet another dead end for them.

—

The third time is happens, Edward is convinced there's something more to that feeling. He still can't name it, but he knows that there's a reason for it. There has to be.

Almost everything with Dr. Marcoh turns out to be a bust. The stone that he possesses isn't the real thing, however he does give Ed the location of his research that could help him and Al create a real one, hidden away at the library in Central somewhere. On their way there, Ed, Al, and Major Armstrong – who was sent along with them for protection – make a stop in East City again so that Ed can give Mustang all of the details. It isn't necessary to make the stop, but Ed is grateful that the colonel gave him the information so he'd like to keep him in the loop.

At least, that's what Ed tells himself.

Al and Armstrong decide to wait outside while Ed goes in to speak with Mustang. Hawkeye is standing outside of the door to the colonel's office when Ed approaches, as if she'd just left from there, and she gives him a brief but warm smile.

"Glad to see you back on your feet, Ed," she says and he smiles back at her. She gestures to the door with a tilt of her head. "The colonel's not busy, if you've come to see him – go right ahead in."

Ed nods and opens the door to enter the room, making sure to close it behind himself. "Colonel," he greets, moving to stand in front of the desk. Mustang is doing paperwork, and he stops to glance up at Ed, but only briefly.

"Fullmetal," he replies, writing something down and then setting the paper aside. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

Ed sighs, crossing his arms. "Not exactly," he answers with a frown, and Mustang stops what he's doing to give Ed his full attention. "We found Dr. Marcoh, and he was in possession of a red stone, but... it wasn't a real Philosopher's Stone, so we left. He gave me the key to finding his research about it, so we're on our way to see what we can find out. I just thought I'd drop in and let you know since you were on the way."

Mustang nods, seemingly thoughtful. "Next time you can just call," he teases, and then he gestures to the telephone. "You don't have to come by to tell me in person – I do have a phone that works."

Ed feels his face get hot. Of course he knew that, so why didn't he just call instead? He suddenly feels stupid but quickly thinks up a reason for coming, even if it's just a flimsy excuse.

"You never know who's listening in on those," he grumbles, shifting awkwardly and scratching the back of his head. "The military phones are probably all monitored, you know. Better to have conversations like this, about the stone and stuff, in person where nobody else can overhear us."

Mustang just shrugs, seemingly accepting that answer. "Fair enough, I guess," he responds, leaning back in his chair. "So where exactly are you boys off to now?"

"Central," Ed says, and then clarifies, "The library there, to be exact. Apparently it's where Dr. Marcoh hid his notes about the stone. He told me to 'look for the truth within the truth'... Whatever that means."

The colonel nods in response to that. "I see. Well, I sure do hope you find out. Good luck out there, Fullmetal."

Ed opens his mouth to say something back, but a loud noise coming from outside the building makes him pause. The floor shakes as well, and Ed looks behind himself and then back at Mustang, who looks alert.

"Was that an explosion?" Ed asks him in disbelief, but just as he does, the sound is heard again and Mustang quickly gets to his feet. Just then, Hawkeye slams the door open, looking extremely worried.

"Sir, it's Scar!" she informs the colonel.

"Again?!" Mustang questions incredulously. "I figured he'd back, but... this soon...?"

Remembering that Al is still outside waiting for him, Edward heads for the door, but Mustang reaches down and grabs a hold of his metal wrist to stop him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the colonel demands. Ed spins to face him, eyebrows knitted as he tries to free himself from Mustang's grip, but the man holds on to his arm too tightly for him to do so. "The last time you fought Scar, you were in the hospital for a week," Mustang reminds him, "and that wasn't even a month ago. You're staying right here where you'll be safe."

"Like hell I am," Ed spits defiantly, pulling back but still unable to free himself, and Mustang uses his other hand to grab Ed's shirt, forcefully pulling him back in and giving him a threatening look, leaning down so close that they end up nose to nose. It's very similar to their first meeting, some part of Edward notices.

"That's an order, Fullmetal!" Mustang tells him warningly. He releases Ed's shirt, but just then Ed finally manages to free his arm, too, shrugging Mustang's own off of him.

"Yeah, well screw your orders, bastard!" he says angrily, taking a step back. He gestures towards the door, where Hawkeye still waits. "Al is out there right now with Scar, so dammit, I'm going out there to help him whether you like it or not!"

"I'm trying to keep you alive, you insolent little brat!" Mustang shouts and grabs Ed again, and Ed gets even angrier at the use of the word 'little'.

"Fuck you!" he snarls, aggressively trying to push Mustang away from him while at the same time, Mustang draws back a fist.

Hawkeye is suddenly between them. "Sir!" she says, addressing the colonel as her hand covers his fist and gently lowers it, "Don't do that. Please, just... calm down. You're supposed to be fighting Scar, not each other."

After a moment, he releases Ed, who now just stands there, breathing heavily. They're glaring at each other, but Ed has already made up his mind – no matter how much Mustang yells at him for it, no matter how pissed off it makes him... making sure Al is okay is more important than following the colonel's orders.

"Fine then," Mustang says as he straightens up and takes a deep breath, clearly trying to regain his composure, "do what you want, Fullmetal. And if you somehow manage to not get yourself killed out there, I'll simply just punish you for your insubordination at a later time. I swear you'll regret not listening to me."

"Whatever," Edward snaps impatiently and rolls his eyes, turning to go.

Mustang and Hawkeye follow behind him, the colonel giving orders to others on the way to keep everyone inside for now so that he can deal with Scar himself. It only makes Ed roll his eyes again.

When the three of them step outside, Al and Armstrong are fighting against Scar. There's another loud noise as Armstrong jumps to hit Scar but misses and slams his studded fist into the ground, and then another noise as Scar explodes a rock hand that Al has sent his way. Hawkeye draws her gun and begins firing, quickly heading down the steps to back them up.

While Mustang begins pulling on his gloves, Ed uses alchemy to launch a large stone block in Scar's direction, but Scar just ends up destroying it as well. Ed rushes down the steps with Mustang in tow, coming to a stop somewhere near Al and Hawkeye.

"Al, are you all right?" Ed asks, but never takes his eyes off of Scar. Al hums affirmatively and Ed nods and transmutes his automail arm into a weapon – his usual. "Make sure the lieutenant doesn't get hurt, okay? I'm going in."

With that he rushes forward, joining Armstrong in trying to take Scar down up close. Ed swings and misses, and then again, and then he dodges as Scar reaches for him. Behind him, he briefly hears Mustang yell at them to get the hell out of the way, so Ed falls back and Armstrong follows, and just then, he hears the snap of Mustang's fingers and fire shoots towards Scar. Scar manages to dodge the flames and runs towards Ed and Armstrong. The colonel snaps his fingers again, but once again misses Scar, his flames hitting a couple of cars instead.

"You're useless!" Ed yells at him over his shoulder, not missing the man's appalled look before he goes back in to engage directly with Scar.

"Get back here!" Mustang orders, but when Ed of course doesn't listen to him, he adds, "Just don't let him get too close to you, Fullmetal!"

"Sir!" Ed hears from somewhere behind himself, the voice belonging to Hawkeye, "We need to take cover immediately – those cars you hit with your flames can and will explode at any second!"

Ed turns to look at the cars that are on fire, but Scar is right in front of him and Ed doesn't have much time to react before he's knocked backwards. He hits the ground, his head slamming on a broken chunk of rock. Pain explodes somewhere above his left eye, close to his hairline, but he doesn't have time to think about it when hears both Al and Mustang yelling at him to get up, so he quickly recovers enough to transmute a stone wall between himself and Scar, giving him just enough time to get back on his feet. Scar breaks through the wall, but Al manages to hit him with a stone fist, knocking him far enough away for Ed to be able to catch his breath.

"Edward, get the hell over here – now!" Mustang bellows a moment later, and when Ed glances over his shoulder, the others are all running to take cover behind another wall that Al has made much further back, and Al is also calling out for him, telling him to run and take cover.

Ed quickly dashes towards Mustang, whose eyes widen as he stares at the flaming cars. The colonel reaches out and snatches Ed's arm once he's close enough, quickly dragging him to kneel together behind a very large broken piece of stone that lies not too far away, one that had landed near the stairs after Scar had destroyed the main piece that was launched at him. Mustang pulls Ed against his chest behind the stone and hunches over, shielding him from the impending blast with his own body, his right hand cradling Edward's head protectively while the left rests on Ed's back.

And there it is again – that strange feeling. This is the third time that he's noticed it happening, and he has observed that it has for some reason only ever happened around the colonel. Ed thinks that there's something about it that he can't figure out, something more behind it, something causing it to happen, but he has exactly two seconds to think about what it could be before he's distracted by the cars exploding.

It's incredibly loud and hot when it happens – Ed's ears start ringing, and he keeps his eyes shut tightly as he grips Mustang's coat and buries his face in the man's chest as he waits for it to pass. He feels safe here in the colonel's arms, which seems kind of insane considering the fight they'd just had not too long ago. But it's true – he hasn't felt so secure in quite a while, he thinks.

The minute that follows the explosion is long, almost like an eternity, but eventually everything settles and Mustang pulls back a little to look down at him. Ed glances up at the colonel's face, and for a split second their eyes meet, and there's something like relief that washes over Ed, followed by waves of admiration and, dare he say, endearment. For some unknown reason, he suddenly thinks he should be apologizing for their fight earlier, but he keeps his mouth shut, knowing it would be uncharacteristic of him – Mustang would probably think he'd hit his head too hard and would maybe even send him off to the hospital again.

"You all right?" Mustang asks, the first one to break the sudden silence that has fallen in the aftermath of the deafening explosion. Ed can barely hear him, everything slightly muffled, but he nods anyway, his heart pounding for reasons he that can't quite comprehend just yet.

"I think so," he answers, and the colonel nods back before looking him over.

"You're bleeding," Mustang tells him, his expression fond as he tentatively reaches out and tucks a few strands of Ed's hair behind his ear, out of the way of the blood on his face. The actions makes Edward feel breathless – he becomes frozen in place at the sheer intimacy of it. His stomach does a strange flip and his face gets warm, and he can't make himself look away from the colonel's face, stunned into total silence. Fuck. What was that?

A moment passes and then Mustang clears his throat, releasing Ed wordlessly as if it had never even happened, but they're still so, so close that it makes Ed's head spin. Maybe he did hit his head too hard. Maybe he's unconscious and dreaming all of this right now. That could be the only explanation for whatever the hell just happened, right?

Because in what world does Colonel Mustang look at him like that, just before he reaches out with careful fingers to brush Ed's hair out of his eyes? In what world does this happen just after the way they had fought? It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Mustang lifts his head and takes a peek over the rock now, the tender moment completely lost at this point. Ed almost feels as though he'd imagined it completely – he's not convinced it ever actually happened. Would it matter if it didn't?

"I don't see him anywhere," Mustang murmurs, referring to Scar, and Ed just stares up at him, inattentive – he's trying to figure out what all of this means. "He must've escaped again. Dammit."

The colonel rises to his feet, pulling Ed up with him. Behind Mustang, Ed sees Al, Hawkeye, and Armstrong approach them cautiously, and he finally snaps out of his daze, feeling like an idiot. He thinks he needs to lie down, maybe sleep for a while. Maybe that will fix whatever the hell is suddenly wrong with him.

"I suppose it's over for now then," Armstrong says – he looks pretty banged up, but he seems to be all right enough to move. Hawkeye makes a sound of agreement beside him.

"I wonder when he'll make a reappearance, though," she utters thoughtfully, appearing completely unharmed.

"Hopefully no time soon," Al replies, sighing, and he, too, seems fine. Ed just turns his gaze towards the street where he'd last seen Scar, moments before the blast. He couldn't have gone very far, so... who knows when he'll return next?

"Are you all right, sir?" Hawkeye finally asks Mustang, and then she looks as Ed. "And you, Edward?"

"Fine," Ed answers as he faces her, his hearing finally somewhat back to normal. He transmutes his arm back to the way it should be, trying not to look at the colonel now. Things have suddenly gotten too confusing in Ed's head – he almost feels like maybe he can't trust himself.

"Me too," Mustang says and then he rubs the back of his neck as if embarrassed. "That explosion was completely my fault, though. I guess I should've tried to aim more carefully, but the guy just wouldn't stop dodging everything I sent his way. I'm not really sure what else I could've done."

"Like I said – useless," Ed mutters under his breath, and Mustang shoots him a dirty look that makes Ed kind of want to laugh. Things are back to the way they normally are between them now, it seems, so... that's good, Ed thinks. He tries to forget everything that just happened before, shoving it back into the far corners of his mind so that it can be dealt with later, when he's alone.

Or never. Never could be a could option too.

"So now what do we do, sir?" Armstrong wonders aloud. Mustang sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, then glances around at all of the damage. Ed does the same. The entire courtyard in front of the Eastern Command building is a total wreck and there will be a lot to repair, it appears, and for a moment, Mustang seems unsure of what to do about this mess.

"Well... for starters, you," he looks down sharply at Edward now, "are going to go to my office to await your punishment. Lieutenant Hawkeye will bandage you up and then take you and Alphonse there." He turns back towards Armstrong as Ed simply gawks at him, refusing to believe that Mustang wants to deal with all of that nonsense now instead of later, when things have been cleaned up and everyone has had a chance to relax a little. "You, Major, should go get your injuries treated right away. I will stay here and wait for the clean up crew to arrive, I suppose. Lieutenant, send the others out on your way to my office, if you don't mind."

Hawkeye and Armstrong raise their hands in salutes. "Sir!" they say in unison, and Hawkeye moves to escort the Elrics inside, much to Ed's annoyance and Al's confusion.

"What did he mean by punishment, Brother?" Al asks suspiciously, but Ed just waves him off, his face heating up in embarrassment.

—

Edward first realizes what exactly it is that he might have been feeling all this time later that night, when he's lying in bed in his and Al's shared room in the barracks, staring up at the ceiling in the dark.

When Mustang had finally joined them in his office, Ed had already grown more and more impatient and snappish to the point that even Al had kept quiet to avoid setting him off. Ed was just ready to cut and run, but unfortunately Hawkeye wouldn't let him leave before the colonel returned, so they waited a long while until the man had finally made his reappearance, looking as smug as ever.

Mustang had told Ed that his punishment for his insubordination would be confinement to the barracks for a week, meaning that he and Al were not allowed to go to straight to Central in pursuit of Marcoh's research like they wanted to. Well, Al technically could go, as the punishment was only for Edward, but Al would never go without Ed, and Ed was essentially under house arrest.

Ed had threatened to wipe the smirk off the colonel's face, to which Mustang replied that he could make it two weeks, and then Al had jumped in saying that it wouldn't be necessary and Ed could only bite his tongue and keep quiet or dug a deeper hole for himself. He took the quiet route, allowing Hawkeye to escort him out of the office without another word after that. At least the bastard didn't make him apologize – Ed probably would've had a brain aneurysm...

...Even though he does still feel a little bad about the argument getting as bad as it did. But Ed will never apologize for putting Al first – it just isn't going to happen. Al needed him, and Ed couldn't just stay inside and do nothing. He had to go, consequences be damned.

So now he's in bed, and while he would ordinarily still be fuming after all that happened today, he's... surprisingly calm. He keeps replaying the day's events in his head – specifically, the way Mustang held him close to his chest, trying to keep him safe. Ed hates to admit it, but the colonel made him feel so warm and protected, made him feel other things he's never really felt too.

And then there's the way that they looked at each other after, when Mustang brushed his hair away from his face so gently, so easily, almost like he wasn't aware that he was doing it at all and was going based off of muscle memory or something, and then... all of a sudden, the strange moment was lost. Ed couldn't understand why his heart was racing at the time – he'd just brushed it off, thought that maybe it was just adrenaline from fighting with Scar and the huge explosion and everything, but now... he's just questioning himself, wondering what it all means. Why did Mustang being so close to him, being so gentle and protective and all of that make Ed feel weird?

But not like... a bad weird. It was definitely a good weird. Well, he thinks, anyway. But what kind of weird doesn't exactly matter – the point is that Mustang has been making Ed feel things and Ed doesn't know what those things even are or why any of it is happening.

Though deep down, he figures that the whole situation was probably really just nothing, and that he's reading too much into it now. It likely didn't even mean anything at all. Why would it mean anything? What would it even mean? What is Ed hoping for?

But also... if it's nothing, then why does Ed feel the need to keep going over it in his head? Why does he keep feeling these weird, unexplainable things around the colonel? None of it makes any fucking sense to him. Unless...

Wait, no.

There's... there's no way that... that he...

No. Absolutely not.

No... he couldn't possibly...

...have a crush, right...?

A crush... on Colonel Mustang...

The thought of this alone has Edward tensing up, his heart pounding and cheeks suddenly burning as he reaches up and covers his face with his hands, embarrassed. God, he feels so stupid. He feels like crying.

That can't be what this is. There's no way in hell that he has a crush on Mustang. He doesn't want to believe it. It's just insane.

But even if he doesn't want to believe it, Ed knows in his heart that it's the truth. It's what he's been feeling this entire time – he just stupidly couldn't – wouldn't – let himself recognize it for what it was until now, spent weeks ignoring it and shoving it aside. Well, now it's all he can focus on as it rears its ugly head.

Unfortunately, he appears to like Mustang. That's really all there is to it, it seems.

The main thing Ed's wondering though is... why? Why him? Out of all of the people that Ed could've fallen for, why the hell does it have to be that smug bastard Mustang? He's an annoying, incorrigible philanderer, for starters. He's also a man. He's so much older than Ed, and Ed swears that the man lives just to boss him around and act like a royal dick, so... then why the hell is Ed interested in him...?

He's never felt more confused in his life about something. He has feelings for the colonel, but why? Maybe he'll never understand.

"Brother?" comes Alphonse's tinny voice from the bed across the room to Ed's left. Ed removes his hands from his face and glances over, seeing his brother sitting sideways on the bed, facing him, reading a book in the soft light coming from the lamp beside the bed. Ed blinks at Al. Al stares back. "Are you all right?"

Ed swallows. Is he? Well... considering the fact that he's stuck in the barracks in East City for the next week and also has just realized that he's got a very huge Colonel Mustang shaped problem... not really. Though he supposes that he could be worse. Things could be worse. He could be back in the hospital.

"Yeah," he answers distractedly, but even to his own ears he knows that he doesn't sound too convincing. "I'm okay."

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that Al just keeps staring him down.

"I can tell that something is bothering you," his brother presses, and he sets the book down to give Ed his full attention. Ed just sighs, wanting to bury his face in the pillow and suffocate to death. Lying to Al is next to impossible, but Ed thinks he's too humiliated to talk about this with him, even if he might be able to help. "Talk to me. I can't give you much comfort while in this body, but I can at least listen to whatever's on your mind."

"It's okay, really," Ed murmurs desperately, attempting to get out of this conversation before he ends up spilling everything. He just wants to go to sleep and forget about all of this stupid crush business.

"Come on, Brother," Al urges him gently, and Ed glances over at him. "You can trust me with anything. You know that."

"I know," Ed says, running a hand through his loose hair, suddenly very exhausted. "It's just... stupid. And embarrassing. Really, it doesn't even matter – I have bigger things to worry about and focus on right now, like getting our bodies back."

"We're stuck in here and can't do anything right now anyway," Al simply tells him, and Ed hates that he's right. "You have time to talk. Besides, you've been dedicated to getting us back to normal for years, Brother – it's okay if there's other things on your mind too. You don't have to be so selfless all the time."

Ed sits up and draws his knees to his chest, hair falling like a curtain around his face. He knows that Al won't judge him, won't laugh at him. He will keep Ed's secret and won't tell anyone. He won't make fun of him for this. Ed know's he'll be supportive and encouraging and understanding, and he might even be able to help somehow, even if all he can do is make Ed feel a little better about the situation.

So then why is it so hard for Ed to just spit it out and tell him?

"I don't... really know how to say it," Ed admits softly and then sighs. He can feel Al staring at him worriedly and he hates it – he doesn't want his brother to be concerned over something this absurd.

"That's okay," Al says. "Take your time, Brother."

Ed feels his face flushing again and is thankful for the darkness to hide it. "It's really, really embarrassing. Like seriously."

"I'm not going to laugh."

Ed chews on his lip. "And I guess it's kind of... wrong."

"I'm not going to judge."

"And I mean... it's really fucking stupid. I meant it when I said it."

"It's okay if it is."

Edward takes a breath, shutting his eyes as he admits it aloud for the first time, in a rush of breath: "I like the colonel."

A moment passes, and it almost feels too long. Ed wonders if Al is even able to understand what he said, and then–

"That's... it?" Al asks eventually, sounding nothing but confused, and Ed is taken aback and slightly offended by that for some reason, turning to look at his brother.

"What the hell do you mean, 'that's it'?" he questions, pouting a little. "What more were you expecting?"

"No, no," Al says hastily, backtracking, "I just mean... I could already tell that you didn't actually hate Colonel Mustang, but you really had that hard of a time just admitting it? Why, because of some dumb pride thing? Or–"

Al stops speaking abruptly when Ed just shakes his head, realizing his brother misunderstood what he meant entirely. "No, Al... I like him."

He still isn't sure if Al understands, so he quickly adds, to clarify, "You know... like how Lieutenant Colonel Hughes feels about Gracia, and... stuff..."

He trails off, extremely uncomfortable.

"Oh," Al utters after a very long moment passes. 'Oh' indeed. Ed buries his face in his knees and wishes the floor would open up and swallow him right now. Al goes quiet for a bit, and then inquires, "So you mean like... you love him?"

"N- No!" Ed answers too quickly, feeling a little panicked and flustered, but he has a sinking feeling that Al may be onto something. "I mean... I don't know. This is all so new for me, okay? I don't even know what to call it."

Al just nods and continues with, "I understand, it's just... well, I guess I'm a little confused about this."

"How do you mean?" Ed asks him, wondering if Al is referring to Ed being a guy and liking another guy, or if it's about something else. He hopes he doesn't have to explain the first one – not that he really knows all that much about it. It's pretty new for him, too.

"It's just that I thought that you liked Winry...?" Al explains, and Ed just sighs deeply.

"Yeah, well that makes two of us," he replies miserably, giving a humorless laugh. "But apparently not. Apparently I'm more into adult military men that like to piss me off. So... I don't know what to do about that."

"Yeah, Colonel Mustang is a lot older than you," Al comments unhelpfully. Ed just groans.

"Yeah, and he's also a man, and a bastard, and my superior officer," he says, shaking his head. "It really couldn't be any worse for me."

"I'm sorry, Brother," Al murmurs. "I wish I could give you a proper hug right now. With my own body."

"I know, Al," Ed tells him, wishing Al could hug him too. "It's okay though, don't worry – I'll be fine."

"Are you going to tell him?"

Ed considers it. "No," he replies after a couple of seconds, but then, unsure about that answer, he adds, "Well... maybe. I don't know. Honestly, I'm scared – it could ruin everything, and I don't think I would gain anything by telling him. I don't know what I would even hope to gain. But what I do know is that it'd probably end up just being something else for him to hold over my head and use to his advantage, so... maybe it's better if I keep my mouth shut and try to force myself not to feel that way about him."

"I don't think that's healthy for you," Al says quietly. "You have to let yourself feel things – keeping it bottled up will just make you explode one day, and that could be worse."

Ed falls back against the pillow again, eyes back on the ceiling as he considers Al's words. He wants nothing more than to tell Mustang the truth, to find out how the colonel thinks of him in return, especially because if Ed doesn't tell him, he might explode, like Al said. And Mustang might fall for someone else, like Lieutenant Hawkeye or somebody, and it'll be hard for Ed to have to see Mustang with someone that isn't him and have to pretend to be happy for the man.

But... realistically, he can't see it ending well if he does tell the colonel. He can't seriously think that Mustang will return his feelings – why would he ever love or want someone like Ed? It's a foolish hope.

Still... will he ever know for sure if he doesn't try? Maybe he's wrong about everything – maybe Mustang is harboring some secret desire for him or something?

...Ah, who is Ed kidding?

It's nice to think about, though. It's nice to think that maybe he's wanted in that way by someone like Mustang.

So for the rest of the week, Ed continues to think about it, and hopes he'll be able to make a decision before he and Al leave for Central City.

—

When Edward confesses, it's the day after his confinement has ended.

He and Al don't immediately set off for Central on the day that he is told that he no longer has to remain in the barracks. Instead, Ed spends the day figuring out what he'll say when he faces Mustang next. He chickens out of going to see the man at all until the next day, however.

He's already made up his mind, though – he'll tell Mustang, listen to whatever the colonel has to say about it and be okay with whatever outcome, and then he will leave with Al for Central immediately after, no matter what happens. It's the only way he's even able to convince himself to actually do it, knowing that no matter what happens in that office – but especially if things go wrong – and no matter how Mustang reacts, Ed will be able to just immediately disappear for a while and hope things will smooth themselves over before he sees the colonel again.

And on the off chance that things go right, being away will give Ed some time to himself before things really begin to change. But either way, they've waited long enough to find Marcoh's notes and it's about time they get to that library, so they'll be hopping on a train tonight.

Ed hesitates right outside of the Eastern Command building, standing beside Al at the top of the steps. The sun has already set and their train will be departing soon, so he has to make this quick, but... he feels frozen in place, unable to make himself actually go in.

He knows that just needs to get this over with, so he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and finally reaches for the door. "I won't be long," he tells Al, who simply nods in response to him. "If I start cutting it close, come and get me, okay?"

"Okay, Brother. I will."

"Good. Be right back."

Ed enters the building then, walking absentmindedly towards Mustang's office and hoping he doesn't run into anybody he knows – he's too anxious to come up with a good excuse for being here, especially so late. Anything he says will probably sound like a lie. Luckily, the building seems mostly empty. Ed hopes the colonel hasn't gone home yet – he didn't think about what he would do if Mustang happened to have already gone home, so he guesses if that ends up being the case, he'll just give up, leave, and forget all about this.

It feels like it takes forever to get to the office, but maybe it's just because he's dragging his feet. When he finally reaches the door, be pauses outside, his hand raised in preparation to knock...

But he doesn't do it. He waits, making sure this really is what he wants to do. After all, there's still time to turn back and pretend he never came here. He could just go right now, get on the train heading to Central City with Al, and pretend his feelings don't exist. Mustang would be none the wiser – he wouldn't even have to know that Ed had ever been here at all. Nothing would change between them.

No. Ed decides that he won't be a coward. He's going to march right in there and tell Mustang what's what.

He knocks on the door, his heart suddenly beating so fast and so hard that he thinks it could jump right out of his chest. He swallows as he waits, almost considering turning around and making a run for it, accepting that maybe he's a little bit of a coward, but then he hears a faint, "It's open."

He takes a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside the room. With the door now shut behind him, they're suddenly alone together.

Ed feels a bit like he might throw up.

Mustang glances up at him and gives a slight smirk, looking pleasantly surprised to see him.

Oh no, Ed's doomed.

"You're still here, Fullmetal? I thought you'd be halfway to Central by now. Figured you'd be itching to get away the minute you could leave the barracks."

"Getting on the train soon, actually," Ed responds, his voice uncharacteristically soft as he approaches the desk. God, he doesn't think that he can do this – he just feels so awkward.

Mustang loses his smirk and suddenly looks worried, or suspicious, or possibly a mixture of the two. "Have you come to say goodbye then?" he inquires, his own voice lower now, less playful than a moment ago. "I still have a phone, you know. You can always call it."

Ed bites the inside of his cheek, unsure if he can force himself to say what he came here to say. He's trembling and he can barely even look at the colonel. Maybe he can still change his mind and leave. It isn't too late, right?

"All right, Ed, you're starting to freak me out a little," Mustang says, sounding vaguely concerned. "What's going on with you, hm?"

Ed swallows, trying to find his voice. He guesses he's doing this, then.

"I, um... I wanted to talk to you about something," he explains, trying to keep his cool, but he's never done anything like this before and it's stressing him out a little. "There's, uh... something... that I want to tell you."

Now Mustang has an anxious expression. "Oh god, what did you do now?"

Ed huffs, suddenly annoyed and slightly insulted. "Oh, shut up!" he says, feeling his face reddening in embarrassment. "Nothing!"

"I somehow doubt that," the colonel retorts, but he looks more at ease than before. "I can't even begin to tell you just how often you've told me that, and you were lying."

"Look, I didn't do anything, okay?" Ed insists, dragging a gloved hand over his face. "Just– listen to me, dammit. Please."

Mustang leans back in his chair, eyeing Ed curiously, and for some reason it makes Ed feel uncomfortable – intimidated, even. "Fine, I'm listening. Go on."

He waits. Ed shifts from one foot to the other, eyes on his boots as he does so. He doesn't really know what to say – he thought about how this conversation would play out all week, rehearsed it in his head, along with every possible outcome he could think of, and yet... all words now escape him.

He closes his eyes tightly. He just has to say it. Just tell him and be done with it.

"Colonel," Edward begins, feeling a bit like his heart might actually explode, "I have come to the startling realization that I... um... that I have strong feelings... for you. In a good way, I mean. Or, I guess... maybe a bad way. Depending on how you look at it."

Ed abruptly shuts his mouth, recognizing that he's beginning to ramble. Mustang isn't speaking either, and Ed refuses to open his eyes and look to see if the man is watching him at all. His cheeks are burning, his left hand sweating inside of his glove. The silence goes on for so long that it kind of just makes Ed want to get out of here and hide away forever, never to be seen again by anyone.

The chair creaks a little as Mustang shifts in it, and Ed hears him exhale. "Uh," the colonel says ineloquently, "I don't really know what to say to that, Fullmetal. I'm... flattered, I guess. Really."

Ed glances up at him now, finally seeing him, and he's unbelievably disappointed in that response. "That's it...?" he asks softly, slightly hurt. Mustang flounders, seemingly trying to think of something more appropriate to say.

"I don't know what to say," he repeats helplessly, and Ed can tell he's embarrassed as well. "I mean... this isn't what I was expecting at all. I just... don't really know how to respond."

Ed feels slightly annoyed now, clenching his fists. This isn't going at all like he'd expected it to – it actually might just be worse, somehow.

"Well," he starts, blushing furiously, "what do you think of me?"

Mustang seems to be at a complete loss for words for a moment. "I... think that you're a fine young man," he says slowly, and Ed doesn't like where this is going when he hears, "but..."

"But what?" he questions when Mustang doesn't finish the sentence. He's unable to stop shaking. There's a sinking feeling in his stomach, and he once again kind of feels like he might vomit. Maybe he should just leave before he hears something that he doesn't want to.

"But," Mustang continues carefully, regaining his composure, "it wouldn't be... right for me to think of you in the way that you're talking about – the way that you apparently think of me. Honestly, in fact, I try not to let myself think of you at all, if I can help it. I just... I know I shouldn't see you in... that way."

It doesn't quite sound convincing but Ed can't even think about whether its the truth or not, too busy focusing on how much the rejection actually stings. Hot, angry tears prick at the corners of his eyes, but he doesn't let them fall. So much for being okay with whatever Mustang said. He suddenly thinks he might be in over his head.

"Why not?" he can't help but to ask, knowing he probably sounds pathetic and whiny, but he wants to know. Needs to know. "Is it because I'm a man? Is that what you're afraid of?"

Mustang gives him a rueful smile. "No, Ed," he answers truthfully, "it's because you're just a boy."

Ed doesn't know how to respond to that, disheartened. He feels a bit like he's just been slapped. Of course that would be the issue.

"I mean," the colonel softly adds then, "you're just a kid, Edward – you're not even sixteen years old. Do you understand how old I am?"

Ed scoffs, kind of humiliated at this point. "I haven't really been a kid since I tried and failed to bring my mother back from the dead," he argues, staring down at the floor now, unable to look at Mustang's face. Talking about the failed transmutation hurts, but he does it to prove his point. "I haven't been a kid since becoming a state alchemist. In the past four years, I've had to grow up so fast..."

He trails off and Mustang just sighs. "You may feel like an adult mentally," he says, "and you may have been through a lot in your life that has slightly matured you in some ways, but... physically, you still have a young teenage boy's body. You still have a lot more growing up to do – you're still far too immature, and hotheaded, and defiant, and reckless..." He pauses momentarily to shake his head. "So I'm sorry, Ed, but especially as things are right now, I'm not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with you. Nothing beyond what we already have. You're just too young."

"You have always treated me like an adult before!" Ed tells him, though he's not even sure why he's continuing to argue when it's clear that he has lost, that he should probably just give it up and leave already while he still has some dignity left. "Sometimes you have been the only one around me to do so! So... why is it now, of all times, that you're choosing to do the opposite?!"

"Because I'm trying to protect you, Ed," the colonel answers calmly, a stark contrast to Ed's anger. "At this time, a relationship between us would just be wrong. Honestly, even the thought of it is taboo. We could get into a lot of trouble if we started something and someone else found out. I would probably end up hurting you without meaning to, and then you would lash out and run off because that's just what you do when you get upset, and... it wouldn't work. Not to mention that we would probably hold each other back from reaching our respective goals. It's just... I think it would be better for everyone if you just keep your little crush to yourself and do your best to move on from it, all right?"

Hearing Mustang refer to his feelings that way just pisses him off even more – he wants nothing more than to punch the colonel in his perfect face right now. "I fucking love you, you bastard," he snaps, the tears finally falling. It's the first time he's ever actually admitted it, even to himself, but it feels right as he says it. Softer, he asks, "Do you even care?"

Mustang looks extremely pained, and Ed hopes this is hurting him as much as it hurts for Ed. "Do you even know what you're saying to me, Ed?" he asks quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm fairly certain you don't actually love me – you're just infatuated with me. It's easy to confuse the two, especially at your age, but there is a difference."

"Don't tell me how I feel," Ed says sourly, wiping away his angry tears with the sleeve of his signature red coat. He really should just leave now and let this go now that Mustang has made it clear that he doesn't want him, but Ed can't make himself walk out. Not yet.

Mustang keeps speaking as if Ed had said nothing. "I promise you, if you just give it some time... what you feel? It'll pass. Maybe not for a while, but... someday it will. You will get over it. And you should. It would probably be good for you."

He and Ed just stare at each other for a moment as Ed lets what the colonel has said to him really sink in. He's the one to break the eye contact first, his heart aching so much that it feels impossible to even breathe. He wishes he had never come here at all. He wish he would've just kept this to himself.

He knew that he should've, and yet he came here and spilled it all anyway, like a total idiot. He knew he would probably end up hurt, and he still walked directly into this office instead of turning away. He has no one to blame but himself.

"Are you... deliberately trying to be cruel?" he whispers eventually. "Like... are you just trying to piss me off or something? Because it really feels like it. It feels like you're trying to hurt me on purpose. Just say that you don't like me and to leave you alone, or whatever, but don't tell me I should just get over it. Don't tell me what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I know that I love you. I know that's what feels right to me. You don't know anything about what I feel."

Mustang sighs again, running a hand through his hair.

"Listen, I'm not trying to break your heart, Edward," he tells Ed gently, but Ed still can't even look at him. "I'm not trying to piss you off or make you think that I know how you feel better than you do, because... I don't. So I'm sorry for what I said. I just thought you could be confused, but I guess I was wrong."

He stops speaking for a moment, as if trying to find the right words to say. "I really don't want to hurt you," he says then, "but... I have to. I have to be responsible, even if it sucks. Even if it means hurting you. Even if it means making you hate me and wish that you never met me. I have to do this, and I promise... someday you'll understand why. It's just... complicated."

Ed takes a shaky breath. "I think I get it," he murmurs, his anger finally dissipating. "I just... I still wish that things could be different. I don't want what I feel to have to just... go away. I don't want to try to forget it or pretend it never existed in the first place. I like how I feel when I'm around you, and I want to keep feeling like that. You make me feel fucking crazy, but you also make me feel safe and understood and cared for. Sometimes you piss me off to the point that I just want to punch your stupid face, but in the end you're always someone I know that I can trust, someone that I know will always have my back and look out for me, someone that I know can come to if I'm ever in trouble. Someone... I want to have by my side."

"Ed..." Mustang begins, but Ed doesn't let him finish.

"And I knew when I came here that things could turn out like this," he tells him, frowning, "but... I still didn't want it to be this way. I hoped that maybe... I don't even know. I guess... all I wanted was..."

He trails off, too afraid to finish that sentence now – after all, it feels completely pointless because the colonel doesn't feel the same either way. And Edward is tired of talking about how he feels and getting hurt because of it tonight.

But it doesn't matter that he didn't say the word, because Mustang obviously picks up on it anyway.

"I know, Ed," he says softly, all too understanding, "but I just can't be with you. And I know you know that too. You came here knowing exactly what would happen, and now you're disappointed and upset with me. But if you want to think of yourself as an adult, then you need to do the adult thing and see things from my point of view. You need to acknowledge where I'm coming from and why I'm saying all of this to you. Do you understand?"

Ed doesn't respond to that right away, but he does know that it's all true. He did come here knowing what would happen, so he doesn't know why he's so surprised that it hurts so much. And Mustang is right about almost everything he said tonight – even if he did feel the same and they decided to enter a romantic or sexual relationship together, it would just have to be kept secret. And if that secret ever got out, too many bad things would happen. They both could stand to lose a lot. Plus he probably would end up hurting Ed, and Ed would do exactly as said and lash out, and then things would fall apart and get messy. It would never work. Not as they are now. Coming here on the off chance that Mustang would maybe indulge him in his fantasy was a stupid idea.

But even with the realization that Mustang was right about all of that stuff, it doesn't make this situation or this conversation hurt any less, and Ed still wishes that things could be different.

Dejected and resigned, Ed just keeps his head down. "Yeah," he all he can manage to get out, his voice shaking just on that single word. "I understand."

And he thinks that he does understand, but even so, he's still so incredibly frustrated, because while he came in here knowing that there was at least a ninety percent chance that things weren't going to go well, some small part of him still hoped so fucking desperately that he would luck into that ten percent. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, one thing could finally go his way. He hoped that he could at least get one thing that he wanted.

But this, just like nearly everything else Ed has ever wanted in life, has brought him nothing but disappointment and pain in his futile attempts to grasp it. He should've known better. Well, he did know better. He just ignored that and did what he wanted anyway, as he always does.

It's quiet for a few moments, neither apparently knowing what to say at this point. Edward guesses that he should probably turn around walk out right about now, should probably get on that train to Central and just... hope that he never has to face Mustang again.

How can he face him again, after this? He won't be able to look at him without feeling hurt and humiliated all over again, knowing that he has to pretend he's gotten over it and hope that maybe someday he won't have to pretend anymore and the feelings will just... be gone. And he knows that every time the colonel sees him as well, he'll think of Ed's feelings for him, and things will never be the same again. He'll be able to tell just from a glance that Ed still loves him. How pathetic.

He needs to get out of here.

But before Ed can make himself turn around, Mustang sighs tiredly and starts speaking to him again.

"Listen, Ed..." he says, crossing his arms. "Maybe I'm wrong – maybe things... your feelings... won't ever change. So in a couple of years, when you've reached adulthood... if you haven't moved on from this – if you still feel the same way that you do right now, and... if I'm not seeing anyone, then... then maybe..."

Edward lifts his head and just stares at him in disbelief. "Maybe what?" he questions, so quiet that he isn't even sure if Mustang hears him, so a little louder, he repeats himself: "Maybe what, Colonel?"

"Maybe... we can revisit this conversation." He gives Ed a small smile, barely even there, and then he adds, "But I mean only when you've turned at least eighteen, and not a moment sooner than that, okay? And by that time, I expect you and Al to have gotten your bodies back."

Ed's lips part in surprise at what he's hearing. He half wonders if it's only said out of pity, but... it still gives him a little hope. It's proof that maybe things aren't as one-sided as they seem, but maybe Mustang can't – won't – admit it to himself: that he feels something for Ed too.

"You're actually serious?" he asks, just to be sure that the colonel means it. "You're not just saying that to make me feel better or something?"

"No. I'm actually serious. I mean what I said: if you want to have this discussion again in a couple of years, when you're older and the time is right, then... I promise – we can absolutely talk about this again."

Ed swallows, letting this sink in. It's only three years. Sure, three years is a long time, but Ed has waited far longer for things that he has wanted more than this.

After a while, he nods. "All right then. I'll hold you to that promise."

Mustang nods too. "Of course."

The conversation seems to finally end there. After another couple of moments, Ed turns to go. He nearly reaches the door and then stops, suddenly feeling a little more courageous now, looking over his shoulder. Mustang is watching him, waiting for him to depart.

"Before I go..." he starts, turning back to approach Mustang's desk again, "before I walk out of here and we don't talk about this again for... a couple of years or more, maybe... do you think that I could ask you for a favor, Colonel?"

He places his hands on the desk, gazing over at the man behind it, who eyes him warily. "What kind of favor?" the colonel asks him after a pause, his voice now lower. He seems highly suspicious of Ed's intentions.

As he should be – Ed slowly rounds the desk, fitting himself between it and Mustang's chair, but that's all he does. He looks at Mustang's face, and the colonel looks back, waiting for him to speak or do something. Nothing happens for a several long seconds – Ed just leans against the desk, trying to work up the nerve to just spit it out.

He takes a deep breath.

"I want you to kiss me," he says eventually, quiet. Before Mustang can argue with him or tell him no or say anything at all, Ed hastens to add, "Just this once. Please, it's all I ask. Just give me this one thing – my first kiss."

He knows it's probably a lot to ask. He knows Mustang will probably just say no and leave it at that. But... if in three years time Edward doesn't feel the same, or Mustang is with someone else, or if the many other things that would keep them from coming back to this conversation end up happening... Ed would regret never having at least asked.

Mustang doesn't give him an answer right away, silent for what feels like a really long time. He just stares at Ed as if still trying to decide, or trying to think of something to say. Ed wishes he could read Mustang's mind, find out exactly what he's thinking about all of this right now.

"I promise," Ed continues after some time when Mustang still hasn't responded, as if it will help sway him towards a favorable decision, "if you do, I'll never, ever tell anyone. Not even Al. I swear, I won't even mention any parts of what happened here tonight again unless it's three years from now. I just... I just really want at least this. If I can't be with you now, then please... just let me have this until I can."

Mustang seems to consider his words for a while, and Ed waits patiently in the meantime. Eventually, the colonel reconfirms, "Not even Alphonse?"

"Not a single person will know except for you and me," Ed assures him, heart hammering away. "What happens doesn't leave this room. I swear."

The colonel inhales deeply, exhales, and then nods. "Very well, then. I trust that you'll keep your promise. And if you don't, well then I won't keep mine. That seems fair to me."

Ed doesn't ask if Mustang is sure about this or not. He doesn't even want to ask. He just shuts his eyes tightly, waiting for something to happen, his cheeks burning hot.

He flinches a little when Mustang reaches up to touch his face, gently brushing back a strand of hair like he had done once before, only just over a week ago now. Ed suddenly feels extremely nervous, his stomach twisting up in knots. He wants this so badly that it feels hard to breathe.

"You're trembling, Edward," Mustang comments, and Ed can feel the man's fingertips caressing his cheek, ghosting down to his jaw. It gives him chills all the way down his spine, makes his toes curl in his boots. His breath hitches in his throat. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Ed quickly nods again, wishing he could find the words to say just how much he wants it, but not trusting himself to speak. He keeps his eyes closed, feeling the colonel's hand slide around to the side of his neck, guiding him closer, closer.

Edward has to bend down ever so slightly to reach him, and then it happens – Mustang is carefully pressing their lips together.

The kiss is soft and chaste and yet it's still almost too much, overwhelming in a perfect way. Ed's shaking hands grasp Mustang's shoulders, needing something to hold on to so that he doesn't topple over, and he kisses back, trying to pour every ounce of what he feels into it so that the colonel understands just how much Ed had meant every single thing that he had said. He doesn't know if it'll work, but he really hopes so.

The kiss lasts for only a few seconds, at most, over much too soon. Mustang withdraws first, but Ed chases his lips without even realizing he's doing so, kissing him again, and it feels good and right and Ed wishes they would never have to stop doing this.

They do, however. Unfortunately. Mustang indulges him for only a moment or two and then gently pushes Ed back a little, breaking the kiss for good this time, and the look on the colonel's face has Ed feeling a little weak in the knees and completely breathless. God, he wants to kiss him again.

He reaches up to cover his mouth with his hand as his face turns pink, now getting slightly embarrassed but also feeling extremely pleased with the outcome of this encounter. He isn't sure what to say, his eyes darting away from the colonel's face now, squirming slightly under Mustang's intense gaze.

"Um," Ed manages ungracefully, a little tongue-tied, and then he swallows and tries again. "Thanks," he squeaks out, knowing it's inadequate but lacking any other words to convey how grateful he is that Mustang let him have this. That kiss just made up for everything.

"Don't mention it," the colonel tells him, and then becomes a little more serious when he adds, "Really, don't. I know you don't like following orders, but it's important that you follow this one."

Ed is still a little too dazed to do more than nod again and awkwardly move from his place between the desk and Mustang, wondering how he'll ever be able to look at the colonel again without thinking about what it's like to kiss him. He makes it all the way back to the door before looking back, knowing that the moment he walks out, he has to try to pretend that none of this had ever happened. It seems impossible with how wobbly his legs feel, how fast his heart is beating, how hot his face has gotten – basking in the afterglow of that first kiss.

He's a little scared that Al might figure out what happened just by looking at him, honestly.

"I... I guess I'll see you around, Colonel," he says, lingering to let his longing eyes take one good last look at the man behind the desk. For at least the next three years, this is all he'll ever be allowed to have. Somehow he's perfectly fine with that now.

Mustang hums affirmatively in response. "Be safe on your travels, Fullmetal. Try not to get into any trouble."

Ed finally turns away for good, things settling back into the way they were before he ever showed up here tonight. "Do you know who you're talking to?" he asks teasingly, opening the door.

"Ah, right – of course. Well, I'll still have a phone you can call if you need me to come and rescue you again."

Ed smiles to himself. There are many things he could say to that, including insisting that he doesn't and never will need the colonel's help – even though it wouldn't be true – but instead he simply goes with: "I'll be sure to remember that."

—

"So, Brother... what exactly happened back there with the colonel? You didn't really say..."

Al mentions this not too long after they get on the train that's leaving for Central. They're sitting across from one another and Edward is gazing out of the window into the darkness, thoughtful. They've been riding in silence for a while at this point and Al hadn't brought it up once since Ed came out of the Eastern Command building, so he's is surprised to hear Al ask about it now.

Ed grins at his brother, a stark contrast to the words that come out of his mouth: "I told him how I felt and he totally shot me down."

Al just sits there and Ed can tell that this response has confused him. "And... you're happy about that?"

Ed only shrugs. He knows it's uncharacteristic for him to not be angry about something not going the way he wants (and nobody is happy when they get rejected) but... with the promise that he can try again in the future, Ed can't really be that upset about this outcome anymore. He just has to wait for a while and pray to whatever god that may be listening that Mustang doesn't get together with Lieutenant Hawkeye, and that shouldn't be too hard.

And then there's the kiss that he's not allowed to talk about (and also should probably not be allowed to even think about, lest he gets all flustered again). It completely changed his mood, leaving him feeling like he's walking on air.

And maybe later that will change. Maybe when he's lying in bed some night, unable to sleep, he'll feel a little crestfallen again, knowing he'll be stuck pining away for a long time. Or maybe won't even let it bother him. Maybe he'll be so busy with Marcoh's research that he won't even have the time to think about it at all. He hopes that's the case – he needs to keep busy and stay focused on what's most important right now, which is finding the Philosopher's Stone and getting his and Al's bodies back. After that, he can do whatever. Three years will fly by. Probably.

"I just have a feeling," Ed begins with a knowing smile, feeling Al's curious, glowing eyes on him, "that everything will work out eventually. So I'm just gonna keep moving forward like I always do until then."

Three years is a long time, but even so, Edward knows that the wait will absolutely be worth it.

—