The Dursley's had arrived in Jamaica. They needed a break from the foggy weather in Privet Drive. Vernon Dursley was hoping to ditch the kid and wife and have a little fun around town. Maybe pick up a hooker. He told them he was going to grab some snacks while they went to the hotel pool.
It was nice to be away from his family and from that bugger Harry Potter too. Off to that cursed magic school. Vernon walked around a bit till the neighborhood began to look a little more seedy. He loved the thrill of the hunt.
He walked by a trash can and was startled to see a shrunken head sitting on top. "Blow jobs for 5 quid."
"What evil power is this!" Vernon backed away.
"Hey mon, relax, relax. Is all good vibes here. You never had a blow job like this before my service is garaunteeed."
Vernon considered the shrunken head. He was on vacation after all. He pulled out a dirty 5 quid from his pocket and shoved it into a little pouch wrapped around the shrunken head.
The shrunken head unzipped Mr. Dursley's pants with his mouth with expertise. His mouth began to bob in and out giving Vernon the best blow job of his life. They say blind people learn to hear better and the head must have mastered his blow job skills with his head disability. He almost felt like tiny hands were rubbing his balls. Within seconds Mr. Dursley garbled out a moan and shot his load. His fat body giggled like jelly in waves of pleasure.
"Did you use demon magic? That was the best blow job of my life." Vernon asked wiping his brow.
"Nah mon, no magic here. Is all experience. Not to many ways to make a livin as a head Mon. Gotta give the tourists a good time." The shrunken head spoke happily.
"Maybe I was wrong about you magic users. You remind me of my nephew Harry Potter."
The shrunken heads eyes looked sad. "Harry Potter did ya say? I can't belive dis, that's my boy. How you know im?"
"What do you mean your boy? Vernon asked shocked.
"I'm Harry Potter's dad mon." The shrunken head confessed.
Vernon was blustered. He couldn't believe this. "You're Harry Potter's dad? Impossible! That dead beat James is his father."
"Is a long story mon. I'm not proud of me self. But is true." The shrunken heads eyes were full of tears.
"I can't believe I've been supporting Harry this whole time and his father was alive! I demand you take custody. We've been feeding him. Might want some back support too."
The shrunken head's face took on a serious expression. "Nah, nah you right mon. I gotta do right for ma boy. I'm gonna get me job on da bus back and do things right."
"You better! You're coming back with me after this vacation is over. We'll explain things to Harry. You don't look like you have much money so you can pay me back the child support in blow jobs."
"Alright mon that's fair."
Later the Dursley's sat around the living room with Harry and the shrunken head. "We have something to tell you Harry. You won't be living with us anymore."
Harry had his eyes downcast to the floor. He wasn't surprised this day was coming.
"But we also have good news." Petunia explained. "Your father is going to take you in."
"My father? What are you talking about? My dad is dead!" Harry was furious.
The shrunken head hopped closer to Harry. "Harry mon. I gots somethin to tell you. I'm your father."
"Is this some kind of buggering joke?!"
"It's true Harry. Your mom was a lovely lady we had some good time mon." The shrunken head confessed. "I want ta do right by yah Harry. I'm gettin me job back on the bus. We can catch up on dem old times and play catch and do da father things."
"This is outrageous I don't believe any of you! I saw my dad in the mirror!" Harry rose from his chair ready to burst with fury.
"Look closer Harry mon." The shrunken head tried to be sympathetic.
Harry looked at the faces around him. No! What were they playing at? This couldn't be true. Harry rushed out of the house and flew on his broom to Hogwarts. He quickly climbed the stairs in a panic and found the magical mirror of Erised.
He saw his mom and his dad James like always. They're wrong. Why are they making stuff up? Harry stared for a while at the mirror and noticed a small speck he hadn't seen before. "Magicus enlargus!" He commanded. Suddenly the spot grew larger he saw the shrunken head. Clearly drunk with a bandana on his head with several joints tied to it and his tongue out.
Harry crumbled to the floor in shock. How could this be? Who was James? He needed answers.
Suddenly he heard shuffling behind him. Dumbledore put a gentle hand on his shoulder. Harry, you know the truth now. Come with me and I'll show you the true origin of your father.
Harry sat numbly in Dumbledore's office. "You knew about this? About the shrunken head being my dad?"
"We hid things from you for your own protection until the time was right. You see the shrunken head holds the key to defeat Voldemort." Dumbledore spoke gently.
"I don't understand this! I don't understand any of this. This is crazy. You've all lost your minds."
Your mother met the shrunken head many years ago. I'm going to connect my mind with yours Harry. Do not be afraid. It will show you a doorway into the past.
Harry felt a jolt of energy enter into his mind. Images began to swirl then finally come into focus. A slightly younger Dumbledore was at a concert with his boyfriend Grindelwald. Next to them he saw his mother who looked younger than he remembered her. Harry looked at the stage. He saw a large sign that read, "Voodoo Vibes" the name of the band. The shrunken head was on a stool with a microphone while some house elves with fake dreadlock wigs played instruments. The shrunken head was singing reggae. "No no no nah it can't be wrong yah to smoka dat magical ganja. I met a lady was a big fat troll but I tell ya honey those joints she could roll."
Harry couldn't believe this. The music was terrible but everyone seemed to be into it. After the concert he followed his mom. She flashed a magical pass went backstage. The shrunken head was in a dressing room and turned his head when Harry's mom entered.
"Beezle's beans! I can't believe I get to meet you. I'm such a big fan." Harry's mom chirped.
"Hey pretty lady I'm always excited to meet ma fans. You wanna smoka some ganja?" The shrunken head nodded to a rolled joint on the table.
"Do I ever!" Harry watched his mom light a joint and take a hit. She put the joint in the shrunken heads mouth and he took a giant puff which burned up half the joint.
Suddenly Harry's mom ripped open her cut off shirt. He was horrified and didn't want to look. She grabbed the shrunken head and pulled it to her breasts where his tongue lapped around. "Oh yes, I can't believe I get to bang such a big star." Harry's mom moaned.
The band seemed more like a second rate act but he guessed his mom must be a big reggae fan.
Harry's mom pulled down her pants and she shoved the shrunken head between her legs. Harry felt mortified and didn't think he'd ever be able to get the image out of his head. Did Dumbledore really need to show him all this for him to see what happened? The shrunken head licked greedily at Harry's mom's hole, his eyes were red and stoned. Harry's mom soon orgasmed gushing liquid all over the shrunken head, washing his hair. Some juices slid onto his face and dribbled down his chin.
Suddenly the Rastafarian house elves entered. Their tiny hands began to rove all over Harry's moms body. One of them got on a stool and began to pump into her from behind while two sucked on her breasts. "Merlin's penis this is great!" She screamed.
Harry began to fill quite ill watching the scene before him. One by one the house else pulled a train on his mom and she seemed to be enjoying every moment of it. Their fake Rastafarian wigs bounced against her naked body.
"Let me finish her off." The shrunken head said. Two house elves held him up while he ate out Lily while another house elf banged her in the ass. Dre Head shouted to the elves "now mon" and they shoved the head into Lily's wet hole. The head sprouted a tiny lower torso from his neck hole like a turtle emerging from his shell. Two tiny arms emerged from his ears as he put his tiny hands on his hips. His minuscule penis erect stood a mere half inch long and spurted a magical load that would make Hagrid proud. He climbed out as he returned his arms and legs to their hiding spot and returned to the awaiting arms of the house elves. Lily moaned in ecstasy.
Harry was whirled away suddenly he saw a montage of images. The shrunken head with his mom at a picnic on the beach. Another scene showed his mom riding a two seater bike with the head attached to one of the seats with a rope. The shrunken head wrote her a song and sang it at a concert. "I wanna bang bang a bang bang you all da night long. You sucka ma penis like a bong."
Harry woke dazed. "What the f#%{\!"
"There's more to the story." Dumbledore spoke. "We had to hide that your father was Dre Head and used James as a stand in. We could only reveal the truth after the other whorecruxes were destroyed and Voldemort was at his weakest. The shrunken head and you together hold the power to finally defeat Voldemort. I'll let Dre Head explain it himself."
The shrunken head appeared through the door being held by a house elf.
"You invited him here! He's not my father." Harry huffed folding his arms.
"Harry mon. I know dis is a big surprise but I love da your mother." The shrunken head said sadly.
"Let him finish the story Harry." Dumbledore pleaded.
"I knew dem bad guy Tom Riddle backa in da day. He was roadie for my group mon. He had some bad evil mojo. We was havin a good time and den he accidentally made the first whorecrux in me when we made a love."
"Is there anyone you haven't had sex with?!" Harry was furious.
"Harry, the shrunken head is clearly your father. Where do you think you got your small penis from?" Dumbledore said sagely.
The shrunken head continued. "I dumped him when I met yah mother Lily. She wus a rasta queen Mon. He was somethin mad and wanted to kill you Harry mon. But Dre Head knows voodoo mon. When he tried ta kill yah I used dem whorecrux voodoo to save you but he got yah momma Lilly and she died. Den you got dat messed up scar."
"I hope everything makes sense now Harry. You and the shrunken head together can fight Voldemort. He can't die except by Voldemort's hand. Once he's destroyed it will be the end of Voldemort."
Harry frowned. He just met his real father and now he was going off to die? "But we just met! Isn't there some other way?" Harry replied sadly.
The shrunken head moved closer. "Harry mon. I wish I coulda been a father to you. Playing catch and building dem model airplanes togeder. But I can save da world."
Harry and the shrunken head embraced. Harry knew this journey was going to be difficult. His last battle awaited ahead.