Chapter 3

The following week went by slowly, as both Seth and Jessica were anxious about the weekend ahead in Portland. Seth had phoned Jessica on Monday, telling her that he had booked dinner and a room downtown as promised and they would need to leave Cabot Cove that Friday afternoon by two to allow them plenty of travel time without feeling rushed.

Jessica felt excitement at the prospect of intimacy with Seth, even as she felt uneasy. She had spent the week working as usual, although her anxiety was following her around like a shadow. By the end of the week, as she started to do laundry and prepare to pack for the weekend away, she felt butterflies take up residence in her stomach and no matter what she did, she could not seem to get rid of them. She tried to walk, garden, and do other household chores, all in an effort to distract her mind, but nothing seemed to calm her nerves.

The night before they were set to leave town, Seth stopped by, surprising her, as they had not planned to see each other that evening. She heard his knock, before the back door opened and his voice called out as he entered.

"Jess?"

"Seth? I was not expecting you tonight."

"Ayuh, I wanted to see you. Make sure you are okay."

She had stood up from the kitchen table when he entered the room, where she had been drinking some tea and jotting down some story ideas, but she stayed still watching him.

"I'm fine, Seth."

He nodded at her, the motion his only reply. Suddenly, she understood. He was nervous, too, and looking for reassurance.

Wanting to provide that, she moved around from the table until she was only a couple of feet away from him. "Oh Seth, it will be okay. I'm nervous as well."

"You are?"

She nodded, not saying anything further, but she reached for him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head against his shoulder.

"Seth, we don't have to do this, if you don't want to."

His arms had wrapped about her body in reply to her embrace, tightening around her, his voice rumbling, "Don't want to? Are you mad, woman? Nothing could be further from the truth! I don't want to disappoint you, is all. Or what if things don't work out? I can't lose you, Jess. I wouldn't ever recover."

Burrowing her face in his neck, breathing in his scent that was uniquely him, she whispered, "Seth Hazlitt, you could never disappoint me, because I know you will be tender and loving and gentle. I know you will make every attempt to give me pleasure, just as I will with you. It would not be in your nature to be otherwise…But perhaps we don't need to make such a big deal of this?" She began placing kisses along his neck, undoing his bow tie and the first few buttons of his shirt, continuing with a line of kisses. She heard him swallow and felt him grip her harder, as she continued with her ministrations, her mouth creating a bit of suction now, which produced a guttural moan from his throat, that made her smile. "Perhaps we should go upstairs now, and not wait for tomorrow?" Her words had taken on a husky quality, but she knew he heard her, as his fingers dug into her back now after hearing her words, almost causing her to wince.

She moved away from him, but she offered him her hand, to lead him upstairs.

"Jess, are you sure?"

"Yes, Seth. Are you?"

"I know I want you. But I know it's been a while for you, Jess, and I need to make sure you are. I don't want you to have any regrets or think I'm pushing you."

"Oh," she froze, stopping the slight pull she had been exerting on him, no longer moving in the kitchen doorway.

His brow furrowed in reply, not sure what had happened, but realizing all the same that his words had caused her to doubt something. All of the fear and anxiety that he had felt all week as the time crept closer to their upcoming weekend together, crashed over him at once, making his breathing labored and his chest ache.

He was terrified now to ask, but he needed to know.

"Oh, what?"

She faltered now, breaking eye contact, looking anywhere but at him. Yet, the words that followed were nothing he could have ever anticipated. "Oh, um…well, you see…Seth…it hasn't been that long for me. A few months…" she trailed off, not sure what else to say.

She had never intended on telling him anything about Michael, nor did she feel she had to even now. But his worry for her was unfounded and she would have felt profoundly dishonest if she had not eased his concern, by correcting his misunderstanding.

"What?"

One word, not spoken harshly, but she could hear the hurt and confusion in his voice, still not able to make eye contact with him, even as she felt his eyes boring into her body, as he waited to hear what she would say.

"Yes—I suppose you could say—I had an on-again off-again relationship with someone that began a few years after Frank died. It wasn't serious. But I called it off the last time I saw him. Before the holidays. I knew it would never be permanent, and I realized this past year that I wanted a permanent relationship. Not long after it ended, things started to change with you and me, and I suppose I became hopeful that maybe we were at a good place where we could have something together."

"Who?"

Now, she made eye contact, her blue eyes flashing.

"Why does it matter?"

"It matters to me, woman! Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I don't see why I would have. We always did it safely and I got tested after every time anyway. It's hardly wrong to admit that I needed comfort and affection from time to time in the form of a sexual relationship, Seth. I'm not ashamed of it."

His face had grown red, whether it was from embarrassment, anger, hurt, or a combination of all three, she was not sure, but his question barely differed, "Who, Jess?"

"You sound like an owl!" Now, truly exasperated with him, she threw her hands up in the air, before she folded her arms across her chest, staring at him. "Are you going to tell me every woman you have slept with, Seth?"

"Woman, I don't even know all their names. I have never made any secret of the fact that I had dalliances when I worked at the hospital. But you? I thought you were still in love with Frank."

Her eyes flashed a warning. "Watch it, Seth. You are on thin ice."

"Well, I won't wait around for it to break."

He turned on his heels, stomped out of the house, and slammed the back door shut. Seconds later, she heard his car start and he was gone. Staring at the door in shock, she felt the tears fall before she could process anything else.

Carefully walking around the kitchen in a daze, she turned the coffee pot off, as well as the lights, and climbed the stairs to her bedroom. Her clothes were arranged in neat piles on her bed ready to go in her overnight bag. That had been her plan for the night before retiring. Was it only a few hours ago that she felt like a young woman in love? Now, she felt like a weary old woman with a broken heart.

Her chest ached and her eyes burned.

Pushing all the carefully folded clothes over to the far side of the bed, she climbed under the sheets, fully dressed, and cried herself to sleep.

S/J

The next morning, Jessica woke fully clothed with a headache, as though she had been drunk the night before. She supposed crying as much as she had, caused its own form of hangover. She sat up in bed, groaning. She felt stiff and tight. Her trousers had dug into her waist uncomfortably as she slept and she had sweated at some point in the night, her shirt and bra sticking to her back.

It was early, but the sun had risen and she supposed she needed to find out if Seth was going to talk to her again. While she assumed that their night away in Portland was not going to happen now, she would like to make sure before she put all of her freshly laundered clothes away, though she knew that was a silly worry at the moment.

Getting up, she grabbed her robe and went into the bathroom, running the hottest shower she could stand, willing the hot spray to wake her and chase the cobwebs in her mind away. She did not want to lose Seth. She loved him and she could recognize now that breaking things off with Michael had been her way for her subconscious to prepare her to open her heart and finally feel what she believed she had always felt for Seth.

But no matter how much she loved him, she would never allow him to make her feel ashamed. Even when she had done something wrong. He was not her judge and jury. She hoped he would be her partner and lover, and one day perhaps her husband, but that would never give him the right to guilt or shame her. And certainly not to control her behavior.

She had been a faithful and loving wife to Frank their entire marriage. If and when she made a commitment to Seth and they crossed that bridge into a sexual relationship, she would hold herself to the same standards. It had never been difficult with Frank to be faithful. He had been wonderful to her, making her feel safe and loved. In addition, in the bedroom, he kept her satisfied, never assuming that she should simply be willing to lie there so he could get his fill, without her benefiting as well.

They were partners, a team, in all areas of life. He had not controlled her, but instead, sought to gain her perspective on matters, listening to her opinions and taking them into consideration. Even so, Frank was of the generation that believed as the man of the house that he had final say in decision making. In matters where they did not agree, while Frank would listen to Jessica's opinion, he would make the final determination even if it went against what she thought or wanted. That had only happened a handful of times. Jessica had known what the traditional roles were and had never really sought to be a feminist. While she did not enjoy those rare times when he vetoed her, she had never rebelled. Probably because he was respectful when doing so.

She had assumed with Seth that they would be similar, but in regards to decision making, after being a widow on her own for many years now, she would now expect to be a true equal and would not be willing to settle for anything less. She was a woman of mature years with a career and financial freedom. She did not need a man. But she thought she wanted one all the same. The man she wanted was Seth. Even though he was cut from the same cloth as Frank, enough time had gone by and the world had changed enough that he should not be surprised at her unwillingness to let him have a final say on anything.

But.

Apparently, his morals and ideas he had for womanly behavior were still stuck in the past. Did he judge the same women he had sex with at the hospital? Even as she thought about the question, she knew the answer was yes. He judged himself for his actions. Of course, he would judge the women as well.

She supposed if he was judging himself in the same way he judged her and the other women he had slept with, perhaps it was not as much his chauvinism at play, as his antiquated ideas of morals.

She sighed. This was not going to be easy.

After her shower, she dressed for the day in a pair of light brown slacks and a pale pink blouse. She put on a pair of walking shoes and decided to walk to Seth's now before even having coffee, in the hopes that they could talk before he started seeing patients.

However, before she could walk out the front door, she had second thoughts. Seth had been the one to leave in a huff last night and she had not done anything wrong. What would she even say to him if he even let her into his house this morning? She would not apologize for Michael, nor did she really want to be put on the defense.

No, perhaps she should wait and give him the opportunity to seek her. She knew Seth and never was there a more stubborn and irascible man as he could be. She would bet the royalties of her next book that they would not be going to Portland tonight. Even so, she would like it confirmed. She supposed it wouldn't hurt to leave the folded clothes on her bed just in case. In case of what, she could not imagine. She felt a wave of sadness wash over her at how the excitement and hope she had felt since Sunday had turned into fear and uncertainty over their relationship today. Perhaps she needed to go away somewhere for a few days alone, so they could both have some space to think. Maybe they had rushed things by planning a romantic interlude so soon.

Entering her kitchen, she set about making coffee and a poached egg with some strawberries and an English muffin on the side. She was not hungry, but realizing she did not eat dinner last night, she forced herself to eat.

When she finished, she cleaned up her dishes, wiping the countertops, and then poured herself another cup of coffee to take to her office. Sitting down at her desk, she willed her mind to focus on work. Reading through the most recent pages of her current manuscript, she realized that she had not accomplished much this week at all. She knew it was because her mind had been on Seth all week in anticipation, and while it still was this morning, it was for different, sobering reasons.

She sighed. She made an internal bargain. She would sit at her computer for at least ninety minutes. If by the end of that time, she was still unable to concentrate and produce anything of merit, she would give herself the freedom to do something else the rest of the day. But until then, squaring her shoulders while telling herself that she was an adult and she could manage, she took note of the time and began.

S/J

Seth had had a miserable night. He did not sleep more than an hour or two and that was only after he had far too much whiskey. When he woke up that morning, his eyes felt like sandpaper and his head was pounding. He needed water and a couple of aspirin pronto. But that would mean having the initiative to get out of bed and right now, he would rather wallow in his misery.

He wanted to die of embarrassment at the way the evening before had turned out. What had he been thinking? He had put his foot in his mouth by making assumptions about Jessica's past. But nothing would have ever prepared him for hearing that Jessica had an ongoing sexual relationship with someone for years without anyone seemingly knowing about it. If he understood correctly what she was saying last night, there had never been a commitment between her and this nameless man.

That was NOT the Jessica Fletcher he knew. Or the one he thought he knew. The woman he knew was classy and graceful, charming and intelligent. She had unbelievable self-confidence, knowing herself and trusting her instincts, not being swayed or manipulated by anyone. She was who he had fallen in love with years ago, always hoping that his desire for her would one day be reciprocated, even as he knew he would never have the courage to make the first move. Being her best friend was priceless to him. He had never planned to risk the relationship he already had, on one that seemed impossible to attain.

He felt terrified at the realization that he might have lost her already. She was the only person who gave his life meaning. He loved his daughter, but he only saw her every few years. He could not live his life for her anymore. It was no exaggeration for him to admit that Jessica was his reason for living and if he had ruined what they had, no words would ever be able to express the pain and despair he would feel.

Trying to sit up to coax himself to find the aspirin, he groaned. He felt awful. But it was time to get up. He only had a handful of patients today as he had told Beverly not to schedule past lunch, as he was supposed to drive Jessica to Portland later.

Christ, Portland. Well, he was confident that would not happen now. No way would she agree to be alone with him over dinner right now he was sure, and he knew damn well, she would never share a hotel room with him tonight.

What a fool he had been!

Shuffling down the hallway to his tiny efficiency kitchen in his robe and pajamas, he started the coffee pot, before finding the aspirin and pouring a tall glass of water. Forcing the pills and water down, he sat at the table to wait for the coffee to brew.

As much as he knew he had acted like a jackass the night before, if he was honest with himself, he still wanted to know who she had been with in this relationship, that wasn't a relationship, for so many years. It could not possibly be anyone in Cabot Cove. If anyone had ever gotten wind of it here, everyone in town would have known. No, it had to be one of these men that she met up with from time to time. What were their names? Dennis or Denny? He was pretty sure there was a Harry in Boston. And maybe a Michael or Matthew somewhere else. Why didn't he pay better attention or ask more questions?

That was no mystery. Because he was jealous and did not want to let on that he was. She knew he did not like it when she was away from home for long, but he tried not to show how jealous he was when she would spend time with other men. He knew that she often had to attend publishing events with different escorts and that she also met many men in law enforcement as she always seemed to get embroiled in investigations wherever she went, but he never wanted her to know how much it bothered him. And yet, jealousy was fairly easy to admit to. It was not a trait that he wanted to have and it could definitely be a red flag in relationships, so he tried to keep the monster at bay, but the real issue was his own lack of self-confidence. The very quality that Jessica exuded gobs of, Seth had little. Every time she traveled and spent time with any man or he saw publicity photos of her in the paper, he doubted himself, wondering what she could ever see in him.

Pouring his coffee, he fixed breakfast. He did not know what to do. He knew he was to blame for last night, but he did not know how to make it right. A part of him understood that he needed some time and space to figure that out, even as he wanted to run over to Jessica's house now and beg her to forgive him. But until he figured out in his mind what had happened and why, he knew that would be a mistake.

Not thinking any further, he picked up the phone and made the call that he dreaded. But she deserved to hear from him.

"Hello?"

"Jess, it's me."

"Seth." A long pause that lasted several heartbeats. When he did not speak in reply, she continued, "Are you alright?"

"No, woman, I'm not. But I didn't call to hash it out right now. But you deserve the courtesy of a call—I don't think we can go to Portland tonight. It wouldn't be right—I think I need some time to think."

"Alright…I assumed we wouldn't go, but thank you for letting me know."

"It was the right thing to do. I invited you and planned it and—"

"And now, you are canceling."

"Ayuh, I suppose I am."

Silence.

"Well, Jess, I have patients this morning."

"I expect you do. Seth? Will I see you soon?"

"I'm not sure how soon, but you will…I just need a bit of time and space for now."

"Okay."

When Seth and Jessica hung up the phone receivers, they both struggled to keep their composure for a long while after.