AN: Today's cyber cookies go to Cerberusx and IloveM.A.D.B.! Steve! Play the kazoo fanfare!
Cerberusx - The split muzzle/mandible aspect was indeed inspired by both the Super-Vampires of Blade II and Blitzwolfer of Ben 10!
IloveM.A.D.B. - Fucking nailed that song title ref!
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
One of Us is Going Down
Bee shot up with a gasp. She looked herself over and patted herself down. Four arms and hands? Check. Two legs? Check. Wings and breasts? Yep, still there. Tight ass and puss? Intact and still tight!
How? The last thing she remembered was fighting her Baby Bro and getting ready to paralyze him before he... fu-u-uck. She had totally lost. Ugh, she was never going to live this down if any of the other Sins found out. Ozzie would let it slide – he was the 'weakest' of them, something Mammon and Levi wouldn't let him forget – but the rest definitely would not. Easy fix, just make sure they don't find out. Now, to answer the other burning questions on her mind.
"How the fuck did he turn Bad Vibes into that?!"
"It is a skill only his kind are capable of."
Bee did not yelp, regardless of what anyone may say. Even if they did say it, they were filthy fucking liars who lied and deserved to be eaten. She whirled around with a snarl and – a razor-sharp edge sat at her neck, attached to a curved sickle held by a hooded figure. Glowing red eyes peered at her from the shadows of the hood.
"It has been a long time, Glotona."
"...Lobo." Bee swallowed and forced a smile as she tried to quell every reaction or outburst possible. The Reaper's Bounty Hunter didn't like being hit on nor needled with her, er, enthusiastic hedonism. Shame, because he was super hot beneath the hood – Yeah, she still kind of had a small crush on him that had been there since they first met seven millennia ago – and she'd heard from the few lucky bitches over the centuries he'd fucked about his unrivaled skill in the sack. A few of them tried to lure him back with suicide: needless to say, it doesn't work. She raised both left hands in a small wave as her ears burned. "Um...h-hey."
"Greetings unto you, Beelzebub."
"Uh, actually, I prefer to go by B–"
"I don't care." He huffed and pulled his sickle away from her throat. She could breathe again, relatively speaking. He gestured to the firepit behind him. Seated around it were other members of his pack, the Coin-Shìthe, all clad in the same ragged black cloth hood Lobo wore. "Join us?"
It wasn't a question. Only the exceptionally stupid ignored offered aid from the Hounds of Death. Also, she could eat a meal with the one guy that was on her fucking bucket list and free pass list with Tex? Fuckin' awesome.
Few if any of the pack dared lowered their hoods in the presence of strangers, even if she was a Daemonic Prince, but that was their custom so she didn't take it personally. Two such exceptions were a green furred pup with bright yellow wraps around his legs and a snow white pup with heterochromatic eyes who had a fitted, clothed muzzle over his muzzle. They looked young, not even out of adolescence, and were quick to make space for her, and Lobo when he sat beside her.
The pack rose, save for the boys, who gave Bee a bowl of ...She wasn't sure what it was. It looked like gruel only prisoners would eat, but...it smelled fucking amazing. She had to control her ravenous appetite, and her mouth watered the longer she held the bowl. Lobo took his and then growled at the pups. They fled...to the other side of the fire. Staring at her. Aw, so cute. They were intrigued by her – Must be newbloods on top of youth.
"So..." Small talk, Bee! You can do that! You're not bad at it! You do it all the fucking time at parties...That you host...And have control of – Hm, in hindsight, Bee might be bad at small talk. "Um, how's it been? Reap anyone, er, interesting lately?"
"You are awful at small talk." Lobo deadpanned as he pulled his hood back. Fuck, that white fur bled perfectly into the black around his red eyes. Huh, now that she stared at him, he looked a little...familiar? She was startled from her thoughts as he slurped down some of his meal and licked his chops as he lowered the bowl. "This is not a long rest. Eat as you would."
"Ah. Sorry." Bee winced and without thinking, shoved the bowl into her mouth. She swallowed and sighed as the delicious taste filled her. "Fuck, that was so good–"
"She ate the bowl." The white pup's flat tone almost made her jump. His friend growled at him and whacked his arm. Despite the chastising, the white pup's gold and blue eyes stared at her through half-fallen lids. Right. New Blood. She smiled at him and leaned forward with her hands perching her chin.
"Well, aren't you a cute one? What's your name, kiddo?"
He continued to stare at her. The Vibes he gave off were...Uh...Huh...Nothing? That's...yeah, Bee didn't know how to deal with that. A soft clatter had her sneak a peak at the hottie beside her. Fuck, he actually had a smile on his face as he looked at the two.
"Shi, why don't you and Gai go play? I will entertain our guest."
"C'mon, Shi, you heard him!" "I don't want to–" "Betcha I can beat you to the creek this time! Loser has to do ten push ups!" The mossy-furred pup practically pulled the white pup along with him as he ran off. Bee smirked and glanced up at Lobo from the corner of her eye.
"Cute pups. Yours?"
"The Pack's." He drawled as he leaned forward and stared into the fire. His eyes went half-lidded, almost disinterested – fuck, Bee was getting such a weird feeling of deja vu from that. Probably because it'd been so long. "You know, you almost died today."
"Beg pardon?"
"That attack. If Shi had been any slower in detecting it, you'd have died." She looked off in the direction the white pup had vanished in and then back in time to meet the bright red eyes Lobo used to hold her in a sidelong stare. "That creature you faced, its kind, has not been seen in eons."
"Foxfiends?" Bee asked. She wondered where Lucifer got that stupid fucking name from, but if it was a legitimate thing–
"The fuck is a foxfi–? No, the Jinchuriki." The Bounty Hunter huffed. Bee blinked. There goes that slight respect for the Short King Wannabe.
"What's a Jinchuriki?"
"A thing that should be long dead. They were...original natives of the Ever After." Ah, yeah. That was a name for Hell's prototype that Lobo grew up with. "Not purely, but close enough. Altered by magic, used to host creatures of great calamity. They could alter the world around them with ease."
"Okay..?" Bee was starting to feel bored. Old school lore wasn't her thing. She had things she could be doing, a Baby Bro to hunt down, a King to chew out. You know, actual important shit.
"The point I am trying to make is that you, Beelzebub," red eyes narrowed at her. "Are not irreplaceable. Do not chase Death, lest it find you."
"Are you coming onto me?" Fuck. Bee, come on. You know better than that–Unless...?
"No." He deadpanned as he looked back at the fire. Tch, dammit. Of fucking course he wasn't. "I do not need my Pack getting distracted by your quarrels with your 'kin', especially if you know nothing about his origins."
"...What do you fucking know about my Baby Bro?" Her eyes narrowed.
"I know he is past due to be reaped. Somehow his soul cheated the system." Okay, hottie or not? Bee was not going to let him blatantly threaten her Baby Bro like that. She growled as her hands balled into fists. He glanced at her and huffed a soft laugh. "Calm yourself, Glotona, he is not the only soul that managed to do so. Just one of the oldest. I will let him live this life of his to the last minute before he is hunted."
"And when is that?"
"That would be telling." Lobo stood and sent a wave of cold wind to douse the fire. Snow started to fall and–Fuck, were they in Sloth? How the shit did she get down here? "Enjoy your time with this 'family', Beelzebub. For it is limited."
"Is that a threat?" Bee asked, rising from her seat to snarl at his back. She felt her spice increase and growled. "Are you threatening me, Lobo?"
"I do not threaten worms." The wolf snarked. Bee bristled at the casual brush off. He drew his hood and walked into the rising snowstorm. "I let them die naturally."
He released a whistle and his nomadic clan whistled back. It chorused into a tune, an eerie disquieting sound that made her fur stand on edge, as they all marched away.. The last to leave was Shi, who stood on a hill and stared at her. He looked at his departing clan and then back at her.
Then he was in front of her–Fuck, he's fast. His blue eye was covered by a hand and he tilted his head. His other eye closed, a mockery of a smile barely evident on his covered muzzle.
"Tell Naruto to eat plenty of vegetables and that I will happily wait to see him again."
Bee felt her breath catch. What the shit did that mean? Before she could ask, he was gone...In a poof of smoke. That smelled and tasted almost like the shit her Baby Bro used to make his...
"...Does everyone know how to use those fucking clones but us...?" She shook her head and made a portal beneath her feet. She had to get back to Tex and borrow his phone.
Lucifer had a lot to fucking answer for.
The drums of war thundered around them. Angelic spears flew and clashed against the steel of a blade. Adam sneered as he locked up against Raquel.
"You're not fuckin' tough! You're nothing!" He spat as he struggled to get past the stupid short sword. "Just a waste of my time—I could be fucking the tight ass of a literal angel right now!"
"Well, we at least agree on one part of this." His voice barely changed. It was infuriating. His eyes locked with Adam's. The world around them went silent. "This is a waste. Of. Time."
A wave of power, unearthly and nothing like he'd seen from the forces of Heaven barraged into the Exorcist, within it was an echo of the word 'time'. Adam floated in an abyss, there was nothing. He was...alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
You are never alone, Adam. I am with you. Always.
Adam gasped and the void vanished. A scream had him turn to see his exorcist forces culled down to a small group of five. No, wait. Four. Aw, shit, that bitch was a beast with a spear. He wasn't going to hear the end of this anytime soon.
First things first.
"I'm going to kill that motherfucker." Adam growled as he held his hand up. "Eat the almighty Holy Power of the First Dick, shithead!"
A blast of golden energy fired out of his palm. A Rocky Mountain in the distance crumbled. Adam smirked as the group of Exorcists remained unphased and their opponent was missing.
"Well, that takes care of that." He started to push himself to his feet-a blade slid down over his shoulder against his neck. Adam groaned into an exasperated laugh. "Oh, why don't you just fucking drop dead already?"
"It doesn't stick."
"S'what she said. Dust this bitch!" Adam barked at the four Exorcists that remained, throwing himself out of the line of fire and getting a nic on the jaw for his efforts. Scattered blasts of holy energy came from the spears of his exorcists. He landed in a heap and clutched at the golden blood on his chin. "Gah, fuck!"
"Sir!" One of the four came over to him. Shit, the fuck was her name again? Lulu? Lana? Ukulele? She helped him back to his feet as the others were sliced apart behind her.
"Well, this mission is a dud." Adam grimaced as the Fallen Angel turned to them. The sky darkened overhead and the Fallen's eyes shone. "Oh, shit."
"He was a seraphim?" Bimbo Exorcist with the nice set of tits asked. Shit, her name was right on the top of his tongue. Maybe her clit was there before too?
"Yes."
Fuck! Sneaky fucker! Adam and whatsername jumped and spun around. There were two of him?! Nope, just the one. Fast and sneaky, terrible combination. Adam preferred cocky, slow bastards. Like Cain. Fuck Cain. Raquel used his palm and fingers to clean his sword of heavenly blood. He then deflected the weak spear thrust that was sent his way by the Exorcist Chick Adam didn't remember the name of.
"You asked what I would do against the hundred of your number, yes? Tell me, as the last remaining duo..." Kaleidoscope eyes blazed red. "Did I answer your question?"
"Cocky sonovabitch. You're lucky this is a black op!" Adam snarled. "If I had the rest of my band with me-!"
Oh, fuck, that's a sword grazing his testicles! Okay, quiet time now!
"The results would remain the same." Raquel drawled. He stepped forward and flicked a hand at the last exorcist. She was sent flying by a gout of fire. Useless cunt. Adam toppled and scrambled away. Or tried to. The Fallen's sword rose up, fell and pierced his—
"Fucking motherfucker, cock-sucking whore, that was my DICK!"
"Could've sworn I aimed for the artery at the base of your thigh. My apologies." Raquel knelt down and grabbed Adam's chin. Kaleidoscopic eyes stared into his masked ones. The Fallen's head tilted and he snorted. "I expected more from the 'First Man'. Thankfully, you killed enough time for me."
"The fuck does that mean?"
Those eyes looked up and the fucker smiled.
"Lovely day for a storm isn't it?"
Adam followed his gaze up. He frowned.
"I'm pretty sure lightning isn't supposed to be red."
"It isn't. Good, you do have a brain. Heaven isn't hopeless after all." Fuck this guy on fucking principle! He shoved his sword further down—Fuck! Scraped the dick! — and then patted Adam's cheek. "Be sure to pay attention. Learn something."
"Learn from this, asshole!" Oh yeah, this bitch is his new number two! Lewd! She was getting some tender gentle anal later. Why? She just stabbed Raquel through the spine with a spear! Fuck, yeah!
"Insolent, ungrateful—!" The Fallen spun and bitch smacked the bitch away. Huh, was that dust cloud in the distance where she landed? He snarled, yanked the spear out and—why was his blood blue? The fuck?—pushed a hand over it. "That's what I get for playing with my food. Just a moment and—Oh, shit."
The ground shook and lightning crashed down nearby. Adam looked at the impact and—
What.
The.
Fuck?!
"What the fuck did those stupid humans do to my ants?!" Adam cried as he took in the monstrous form that landed.
Naruto landed down on the desert ground in a crouch, and rose to his True Form's full height. Bodies of angels littered the land. Golden blood splatter was on the ground. There was a struggling Angel off to the side and another one with a sword in its leg.
It was the fucker holding the sword that he focused on. A face that hadn't changed much in all the years since he was killed. His eyes sure fucking changed though. His tail lashed and lightning struck nearby as he snarled; Naruto really hated those stupid eyes.
"Sasuke." Every ounce of Hate he could muster was put into the word, but it wasn't enough. Hurt, Betrayal, and Loathing poured into it as well. His fangs were bared, his four sets of claws flicked out and gleamed.
"Naruto. Always so dramatically late." Sasuke stood and—oh, bleeding already, huh? Fine by him; fighting Bee had taken a lot out of him. This just evened the playing field. The bastard cracked a smirk. "Took you long enough."
"Sasuke."
"...No." Sasuke frowned, his eyes blazed. He withdrew his sword – the Angel screamed in agony – and strode forward. "No, no you don't get to be upset!"
The fuck did he just say? Was-no, he wasn't being serious–It was Sasuke, of course he was being serious. Naruto's tail slammed into the dirt and thunder rolled across the sky.
"I don't get to be upset?! That's fucking rich coming from you, asshole!" He barked and matched the pace. They both started to sprint at each other. Naruto snapped fingers on two hands and a clone appeared on either side of him. Between their efforts, four Rasengan swirled into existence, one in each hand.
Sasuke's sword crackled with lightning before it erupted into a storm of black. Huh, why did that sword look familiar? Not important! Focus, kill him proper! A few feet before colliding, the Foxfiend snarled and jumped up with his arms pulled back. At the peak before his descent, he brought all four spheres forward.
"Rasenrengan!"
"Kusanagi: Chidori!"
Sasuke slid to a stop and raised his blade in front of him at an angle. Their attacks collided and they were both sent back by the resulting shockwave.
Naruto landed with a roll, one of the Rasengan had detonated on him and his upper left arm had to regenerate. His claws caught him before he went too far and his mandibles popped open with a hissed snarl.
Sasuke landed with a backflip into a skidded slide. He used his sword to keep himself steady. His six hand-like wings – ugh, fuck, there were six of them now?! Just the two were hard enough to bypass! At least they were smaller – snapped open behind him. His red eyes narrowed.
"Still relying on inferior technique?"
"Still Orochimaru's punk bitch?"
"So hostile, old friend. What did I ever do to deserve–?"
This sonovabitch was not being glib about this! Naruto snarled and shot forward, six limbs propelled him across the ground like a jet-propelled locomotive. He rose up and cracked the Fallen Angel across the cheek when close enough, then caught his ankle in four hands when he was almost sent flying away from the force of the blow. He spun on the ball of his foot, once, twice and a third time before he whip-slammed the bastard back first into a new crater.
Shit load of good those wings of his did when they were shattered beneath him. His digitigrade foot rose up and crashed down onto the open wound on his killer's stomach. The fucker didn't even give him the courtesy of crying out! Stubborn asshole, scream bitch!
"What did you do?! Did you fucking seriously just ask me that?!" Naruto leaned in and snarled in Sasuke's face. Bleary weird-ass Sharingan spun lazily in his eyes. A swift jab to the face made them close and splattered Naruto's face with his weird blue blood. "Let's walk it back, motherfucker. One: you betrayed the village for the same fucking creep that killed Old Man Hokage! Two: you attacked our fucking teammate, our friend, and left her in critical care! Oh, and three, and this one really fucking pissed me off: You fucking killed me, fuckface!"
"Is...Is that all-? Unff!" Another punch knocked teeth down his throat and the curse seal appearance melted away. Fucker still didn't look different! It made his blood boil.
"No, matter of fact, it fucking isn't!" Naruto bared his teeth as his True Form receded – leaving him back in his now ruined utility jumpsuit – unable to keep it up after his fight with Bee and the few minutes he and this dumbass had already been fighting. He snapped his muzzle together a few times while his arms wobbled after forcibly merging. He hauled his former fucking friend up by the collar of his suit – the fuck was this asshole wearing a suit for?! – and growled in his face. "Not only did you fucking kill me, but you attacked one of my precious people."
"You already mentioned Saku–Oh. So that Hellhound was the girl your signature was with at the pier." He cracked an eye open and smirked. "She's so out of your league."
His nose better be permanently fucking crooked from the amount of times Naruto smashed his fist into it. It didn't matter how fucking right he was, the Foxfiend didn't want to hear it from this shithead's mouth. He was so fucking lucky all he did to harm Loona was healed in less than a day.
"The fuck are you still laughing for?! Don't you fucking care?!" He snarled as his eyes began to burn and his knuckles slowly regenerated from the dust they'd been pounded into. The spice of hate gave way to a sour sorrow as the betrayal from so long ago flashed, as if fresh in his mind. "You...Killed me, Sasuke. All I was...I just wanted to fucking help! You were my brother, you damn bastard!"
"...Fuckin' idiot..." He smirked up at him, blue blood raced down his face as his weird ass Sharingan spun slowly. Like a kaleidoscope. "S'why I...I did it."
This crazy motherfucker...Naruto would never understand him. The overwhelming fire of hate and rage had become an ember. The emotional exhaustion of fighting Bee – shit, he really hoped she was okay – and then his killer was getting to him.
A shift of rock to the left had his ear twitch. A flap of wings made Naruto glance over. Oh right, the other angels. Er, exorcists... Were the Exorcists angels? And..Huh, they smell like Charlie's girlfriend. Weird.
"Sir, we've been spotted."
No shit. Naruto was going to wave them off. Ignore them. He had what he needed. The answer didn't make sense, but it would once he wailed some more fists into Sasuke's face. He'd make the smug prick explain himself. He pulled another fist up.
"Dodge this, motherfuckers."
"You're fucking kidding me!" Naruto threw himself out of the way as a giant beam of Angelic power scorched the spot he and Sasuke were once in. Wait, where was-? A flare of energy caught his attention and a red Gate was open nearby, Sasuke sat on its ledge. He wiped blood from his chin and smirked.
...No.
"Always...too slow..."
No!
Naruto scrambled to his feet and ran. He felt the spice of Wrath fill his veins again and accepted the second wind it offered. His body snapped and groaned as he returned to his True Form. Not even finished, three of his chains flew forward at his bidding.
"Next...Time." Sasuke fell back into the Gate just before the chains could snag him. The crimson Gate closed and he dove for it. The Gate shrunk out of existence as he passed through where it was. It was gone by the time he whirled around to look at it.
"No-no-no-no!" He slammed his fists into the ground and the sky roared in his stead. "No!"
He had him. He had him! He had the motherfucker that killed him; that hurt Loona! That betrayed all of them! White sparks danced in his vision as a muffled curse caught his ear.
The Exorcists. They did this.
"You..." His mandibles spread as he hiss-snarled. He got to his feet and stalked toward them. The ground trembled with each step, cracked beneath his feet. The sky wailed and screamed as his tail and chains whipped about like the frenzied heads of a Hydra. His four hands clenched into tight fists. "You–!"
"You-you can't touch me." The Exorcist smirked. He used a spear to stand, and the other Exorcist helped him. Both started to back away. "Extermination Day clause, dipshit! I've got diplomatic immunity!"
"...Is that right?" He stopped his advance. His tail lashed as his teeth ground together. "Best let you go then."
"..Yeah, uh, kill you next time fuckwad! Let's go, Lent!"
"Lute, sir."
"Fucking whatever!"
They turned and flew off.
"Wait a fucking minute." Naruto threw both left arms forward. The chains around them shot out like missiles, and wound tight around the two Heavenly beings' torsos. They were pulled in and he held them over his head, eyes locked on the bloodied male. He flicked the female away and held the asshole behind his lost quarry by the throat. His mandibles clicked and he hissed his next snarl into the Exorcist's ear.
"That clause only extends to Extermination Day. Dipshit."
"...Fuck."
Naruto turned and slammed him headfirst into the dirt hard enough to make the ground shake. He backed away and kept all five eyes on the Exorcist. Then he squared up the dazed bastard's head between four index fingers. He charged forward and drove his digitigrade foot into the angel's neck.
He flew.
"You bastard!"
Oh, right, there were two—Ow, fuck! Naruto roared as a spear pierced into a space between his armored shoulder and collarbone. Two right arms reached up and snagged his assailant, while the left duo ripped the spear out of both his body and her hands. She was slammed back first into the dirt, one right hand on her chest kept her pinned while another yanked the stupid fucking Imp mask off of her face.
"That...was a very bad idea." He growled. She glared at him and–Huh, she looked just like...What were the odds? He scented the air and, damn, that rotten chicken smell was so familiar. He tilted his head and squinted five eyes at her. "Do you know someone named Vaggie?"
"...That little bitch is still alive?" The Exorcist sneered. "Good to know. I can't wait to kill her myself, finish what I started with her eye."
Well, now. That wouldn't do. That was Charlie's girl she was talking about, the protected one. He owed both her and Charlie for – wait a minute, did she know her girlfriend was a fucking angel!? ...He can worry about that later. – their help with Loona.
"Mm, very poor choice of words." Were his mandibles capable of it, Naruto would have grinned. Instead he brandished the angel's spear and held it to her face. "You know what they say: an eye for an eye..."
"No, no!" The heavenly soldier shrieked as he carved into her face. A deep gash to remind her of her folly. Of her hubris. By the end of his arts and crafts, there was a pentagram around her eye. He stepped away and allowed her to writhe and sob. "Fuck you!"
"Sorry. Not interested." He glanced at the sound of a sonic boom. "Oh, hey. Your boyfriend's back."
"Get ready to die, motherfucker!"
"I love that song!" Naruto pulled himself out of the way of another holy blast via chain. His eyes shone and the world blurred as he moved. He jumped up and snagged the Exorcist in a winding of chains. "But you know what song I love even more?"
"What the fuck are these fucking things made of?!"
"Dunno, chakra probably. Anyway," Naruto sprinted for the nearest ocean and slid to a stop on the beach. He spun again, once, twice and several more times before his chain let go and launched the Exorcist like a rocket. "I Get Wet!"
"Shiiiiiiiiiit!"
"Hey, eight skips." Naruto's tail wriggled as the Exorcist's splash caused a tidal wave that rushed toward him. "New record."
Sera covered her face as she watched Adam and his Lieutenant get mocked and made fools of. She'd checked in twenty minutes prior to see his progress with Raquel. Expectedly, his losses were tremendous, but unexpectedly was the arrival of a Hellborn — A Hellhound or variant of such, perhaps? Sera wasn't an expert. — that immediately matched and surpassed the wounded Raquel.
Her fears grew stronger, if Lucifer's natural warriors were this strong against Heaven's chosen forces-! A gentle ring of bells had her open Peter's Hellish and Outlandish Networking Equipment. The screen flew up and-Sera frowned. Why were two of the Seven Sins on this call?
"Lucifer." She nodded to her kin and then narrowed her eyes at the other. "Beelzebub."
"Sup, bitch!" Ever so pleasant, the Gluttonous Queen.
"Sera." Lucifer kept blinking his left eye. Was it darker around the lid or-? "Have you been watching proceedings? Is our issue dealt with?"
Ugh, right. She agreed to keep Lucifer informed lest he send someone to fight Raquel. Her eyes narrowed.
"It would have been if I could warn my people that you were sending your own Warrior to aid them."
"...Oh, what the fuck, Baby Bro?" Beelzebub groaned into two hands, while the other two rung out a ...Rubber duck? ...Not important. Four arms, canid-appearance, hellhound adjacent—this was much worse than Sera anticipated. The Sins were able to replicate?! — the resemblance was uncanny.
"And I would have if I did. I'm a King of my word, unlike others we shan't speak of." Lucifer snapped. He glared at Beelzebub and hissed. "Release Mr. Quackums!"
"Huh? Snack'ems? Where?!"
"I fail to believe you didn't send this warrior," Sera interjected before either could argue. The demon was far too capable to be revealed on such a whim. Although the way he focused on Raquel implied...Previous encounter, perhaps?
"Yeah, no, this is Bee's fault."
"My fault?!"
"I told you to keep him in check."
"You also told me he was going after a fucking Archangel! I thought he was going to spark Armageddon!"
"Well I wasn't wrong. He is fighting an Angel now, or at least, I presume he is," Lucifer said, and rested his hands on his cane. "Tell me, Sera. Did he do what was needed?"
"Fucking keep talking about Baby Bro like that, Luci. I fucking dare you."
"If I may answer." Sera interjected before another argument took place. She glanced at the video and winced as Adam got kicked through a parked automobile. "He did not, but that was due to my inability to warn my forces that they would receive aid from a Hellborn."
"They're fighting each other? That's hilarious!" Lucifer chuckled before he stopped. "Wait, no it fucking isn't. What happened to Raquel, Sera?!"
"The fault lies with my lack of forewarning. My agents saw two foes of Heaven and attempted to overstep their parameters." Sera frowned. Adam's bloodlust bit them in the ass again, for now Raquel knew both Hell and Heaven were after him. She was alarmed when Beelzebub snarled and held a hand up. "It failed, mercifully. Raquel used the distraction to slip away. As for the other-"
She jumped when Beelzebub's monstrous true form suddenly filled the screen.
"Fucking cloud-munching motherfucker! If one hair on his head is so much as singed! There will be nowhere fucking high enough for you to hide from me!"
"Bee, go to the kitchen and get food. You're spicy."
"Fuck you, Shortstop!"
"I said go, Bee-Lzebub!"
The snarl that echoed from the other side made Sera pause and her wings' plumage fluffed. The Sin of Gluttony shot away, cursing under her breath as she did, and Lucifer turned back to his more reserved appearance.
"I apologize for that, but in her defense, this is her younger brother we're talking about. Practically raised him all by herself. Not as well as I raised my daughter, but you get the gist." The King of Hell chuckled and leaned on his cane. "Now, do we have any more leads for Raquel's location?"
"Would you share it if you knew." Sera accused. Lucifer feigned a look of shocked hurt.
"You think I would deny you the pleasure of killing that phony? Sera, Sera, Sera! Tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk...You know me better than that."
"Quite." She pursed her lips and glanced back at the fight. Oh, merciful—Angels were not supposed to bend that way! She swallowed an unpleasant mass that tried to escape from her esophagus and looked back at Lucifer. "We have no leads as of yet, but I will inform you if anything comes up. Will you please recall your...Underling?"
"Yours is losing that bad, huh? Hm, maybe I should dump the runt in Wrath until he cools off. Have him play bodyguard for one of Paimon's chicks during their little ritual thingamajig...yeah, that could work. No one likes dealing with those pricks."
"Are you going to-?"
"Oh, you're still there? Well, since you asked so fucking nicely." Lucifer chuckled and snapped his fingers. On the screen that displayed the fight, the Hellborn was suddenly swallowed down into a Daemonic Seal that Sera vaguely recognized as the Mark of Pride. "Anything else? No? Keep me posted on Raquel, got it? Otherwise, well, I have a new attack dog to train."
That...was a horrifying thought.
"Good day, Lucifer."
"Fuck off, Sera. Hey, Sport, how's life?"
"...Oh, fuck me..."
That call couldn't have ended any sooner. Sera sat back in her seat with a sigh. She wondered what kind of twisted soul the 'sibling' of Beelzebub had to be so vile in appearance.
AN: Whoo! A better Tuesday! If only it would fucking last! T.T
Steve, I need happiness! Do something to make me happ—Let go of my pants you fucking psychopath!
Remember, it's just fucking Fan-fiction.