8th October 1971
"Hey, how's your little sister?"
Petunia didn't register the question directed at her until she felt a tug on the strap of her bag. Behind her was a boy in her year she knew – his name was Ben - holding onto her and smiling benignly. Petunia got on with him fairly well, but he had always been Lily's friend despite being older than her. Though feeling unwilling to delve into this conversation with anyone, she didn't really want to brush him off.
"Oh, she's okay." Petunia didn't quite want to look into his eyes so she focused on his eyebrows with some difficulty as they were so blond they almost weren't there at all. "I suppose you were expecting her to come in with the new kids?"
Around them the crowd of pre-pubescents slowly thinned as they were reunited with their parents or had collected their friends and bikes to travel home with. It was a pleasant evening with crisp autumn leaves and piercing afternoon sun and Petunia was feeling somewhat bitter that she had considered having fun by the river with Lily during her last lesson only to remember that she was miles away over the border in Scotland.
"Yeh, I was sort of excited to get to see her again but I haven't seen her since the year started. You always leave off for home so early – I haven't had a chance to catch you."
"It's because you dawdle," Petunia accused, not acknowledging his words and watching the light wind lift his fine white hair out of order. Oh course, he smiled.
"Yeh, that's what me mam says." He glanced around at the almost empty street their school sat on and bent down to lift his old bike from the ground. Petunia remembered when he got it from his older brother. He was a mechanic now. He started to walk his bike and Petunia was forced to follow. The steady clicking it made echoed off the crumbling brick of the empty residential back alleys.
"So where is she then? She's not sick or something is she? I don't even see her by the lake anymore. Or on the heap."
"Of course you haven't seen her on the heap. We're not allowed on the heap." Petunia almost let the wicked excitement of ratting out a sibling for misbehaving bubble up inside her before she remembered that her family just didn't have that dynamic anymore. She was suddenly an almost only child. As if her sibling had died and everyone was pining. He didn't get it obviously. He was laughing good-naturedly and it ruffled Petunia that he had shared something secret and exciting with Lily that she hadn't. She let his laughter die awkwardly as a punishment and they were forced to walk in silence. The clicked their way out of the alleys behind the blocks of houses and out into the wider roads, past the grassed over coal heap and the dilapidated pit head winding gear that they had been prohibited from climbing.
"She went to boarding school in Scotland."
The clicking stopped and Petunia turned around to see him giving her a humoured, incredulous look.
"Boarding school?" His thin lip was curled and his invisible eyebrows knitted in complete incomprehension and Petunia almost laughed. "In Scotland?"
"That's what I said."
"But…" Petunia suddenly felt bad. Mistakenly, she'd looked into his wide grey eyes and seen the hurt and disappointment. "She didn't even say 'bye to me. When's she coming back?"
"She'll be back at Christmas."
The wind picked up and lifted their hair. Petunia shivered. It had been mild that morning and she hadn't bothered to bring her jacket. She pulled her jumper sleeves down over her cold knuckles and gave her classmate a pitying look. She liked Ben – even though he was like that horrid greasy Sev and came from the rougher end of her town. She'd been to his house before after school with Lily. It was smaller than theirs and attached on both sides – she remembered that their fence had been bowed in at the end of the back garden and needed re-posting. His family was nice though. His older brother used to let them sit on his skateboards and freefall down the sloping road their house sat on. They hadn't seen much of each other over this summer. Lily had spent so much time with Severus talking about magic and Petunia had spent time with the girls from the high school. After all, she was grown up now and couldn't keep playing in fields and rusty parks with her baby sister.
Ben sighed and swung his leg over his bike. "If I come to yours will you give me the address so I can write to her or something?" Petunia agreed and he drifted lazily around her, just slowly enough so as not to lose his balance.
"Doesn't your mum want you straight home?"
She caught him roll his eyes as he replied. "Me mam won't mind. Don't you worry about me getting into trouble." Petunia puffed indignantly.
"I wasn't the slightest worried about you."
"Yeh, alright."
Ben agreed to wait at the door while Petunia flew up the stairs and snatched up the half-finished reply she had scribbled to Lily. On a separate piece of paper, she copied down the address. Her bag thumped as is hit the bed when she threw it down and she grabbed her jacket on the way down the stairs.
"Mum, is it okay if I play out for a bit!?" She towards the kitchen as she headed towards the door.
"Welcome home," she heard her mother say sarcastically. The door to the kitchen opened and Mrs Evans caught sight of Ben waiting at the open front door holding his bike and school bag, her daughter behind the threshold with her brown curls in disarray from the wind, her jacket skew-whiff.
"Hello Ben, I haven't seen you in a while."
"Hi Mrs Evans," he replied politely.
"So can I?" Petunia asked again, smiling persuasively. Mrs Evans laughed. It had been quite a while since Petunia had given any hint benign mischievousness that her and Lily used to get up to. For a good year she had been rather bitter and at times malicious.
"Be back by six, okay?"
Ben cheered cheekily as Petunia threw her an appreciative smile. She took the shed keys off the hook by the front door and began to close it behind her.
"You stay off that heap!" she warned just before the door clicked shut.
Dear Lily,
I won't tell mum you were slacking in lessons – but aren't they very exciting since they're magic and all that?
Your classmates sound nice. Why do you think I would like Remus so much? Or is it just because he does what he's told? I'm not some teacher's pet, you know. Mum's always saying you shouldn't cheek your older sister.
That brat James sounds like he needs pushing in the river. I hope your mate Severus isn't letting him bully you or I'll be having words. Don't let them rub off on you. I don't want you to come home at Christmas a different person.
I'm not going to say sorry for ignoring you because Severus really was a piece of work and I just don't understand how you could take his side on that but I can't stay mad at you for so long. You can tell Severus to send me a letter to apologise if he decides he's going to re-invent himself as a decent human being.
Benjamin was asking after you today. I told him you went to boarding school in Scotland and he was really upset that you didn't say goodbye. I gave him your address so I expect he'll write to you. I don't know what you're going to tell him about the school, but he really wants to see you at Christmas. You know he gets along with you in a way he just doesn't with the boys in my year.
He did tell me a secret though. That you went up the heap to the wheel. I won't tell on you though because I made him take me up there after school on the bikes. You couldn't get me to climb that thing for love nor money though. It looks alright from the street but standing underneath it I swear it was touching the sky.
The big school is same as always, though now your year's come in I'm not a little one anymore which is nice. It's a bit weird seeing your friends and not seeing you though - sometimes I forget you're away and think things are like last year and I'll meet you after school. I have to pack my things so quickly and leave early so no one catches me to ask where you are because I don't know what I would say to them.
Love from Pet.
Hi Lily,
I didnt believe Petunia when she said youd gone to boarding school but she actually gave me the address so I suppose she must be telling the truth. I cant believe you didnt say goodbye to me. I was looking for you this whole month at school cos I didnt even know you were gone.
The address Petunia gave me was a bit weird. What kind of name for a school is Hogwarts? I cant believe youre all the way in Scotland which is pretty much like being in another country. Do you get to visit anywhere or do you just have to be in school all the time? Is it like the Malory Towers books you and Petunia used to read?
Why are you even there anyway? Why not just come to the big school here? Is it a special school like for really clever kids or what? And how come your parents didnt send Petunia? I just dont get it.
Do you have any friends there?
I really hope I see you at Christmas. It was nice that your sister wanted to play out with me today (she wanted to go to the heap!?) but my old mate Billy (you remember him cos he once stole your pencil) moved away to Leeds and now I kind of have friends but I dont have any really good friends. Not near where I live anyway.
Speaking of, I havent seen that boy that you used to hang around with. You know the one Petunia doesnt like? I cant remember his name it was like Slivius or something weird. But anyway he hasnt been around in ages and usually I see him all the time cos he sort of wanders in the estate but his parents had a massive fight the other day and it must have been outside in the street cos I could hear them from my bedroom window. Dunno what it was about though.
Anyway I miss you loads (even though you didnt say bye to me) and if this isnt a pretend address your sister gave me then please write back I would like to still be friends even though were far away.
Benny.
10th October 1971
Remus watched several Official Post Office owls land in front of Lily at the breakfast table – their red and yellow band around the ankle was quite distinctive. She took the three letters – one from each owl – before they flew off without waiting for a reply just as the school owls did.
"Say, Lily – how come you're getting mail from the Post Office? Why not use the school owls?"
Lily smiled up at him – obviously her mail had cheered her up immensely. "I sent off with a school owl, but my sister took so long to reply that she had to post it the muggle way."
"I suppose letters with wizarding address must be redirected to another branch," Remus mused, but Lily didn't seem very interested. She had torn open one of the letters and was reading it in the way a person tries to both savour and scoff their favourite food.
"Are you lot coming to History of Magic?" James had appeared behind Remus, Lily, Dorcas and Peter with half a bacon sandwich in his hand. Remus could see Sirius standing by the Slytherin table talking to an older student with long black hair. Peter jumped up, nodding, while Lily stuffed her collection of letters into her bag for later as Dorcas made to join James. At the other boy's expectant look, Remus held out a slip of paper, remaining seated. James read it aloud.
"If you would be so kind as to meet me at quarter past nine on Wednesday morning we can discuss your first month upon request of your father who has written to me with some questions which cannot be answered without a direct meeting with you. Apologies for causing you to miss your first lesson this morning. Professor Binns has been warned of your absence.
Professor McGonagall."
"You jammy bastard," James complained. "Getting to miss Binns. What does your dad want to know? Nothing about getting into trouble? McGonagall doesn't usually meet with students except for a good telling off."
Remus smiled vaguely. "Oh I doubt it. Probably just my dad being overly paranoid about me as always. And she did want to ask me if I caught up alright after missing a few lessons last week."
James pouted at the thought of having to sit through an hour of magical history while his class mate got to sit out and wasn't even going to get into trouble. "I'll pick up a copy of any homework for you," James promised with a sly smile and turned to meet the Gryffindors in the entrance hall. "See you later!"
Remus sat at the Gryffindor table as it emptied around him. At the staff table, everybody but the headmaster and the groundskeeper had left already and a Ravenclaw prefect was dragging a few second years away from their breakfast lest they be late.
He really hoped his father hadn't turned up at the school again. It had been nice to have him around on the day but if he kept showing up Remus was worried one of him classmates would spot him and that would just be more difficult questions to answer. As much as Remus wanted to keep his secret tightly sealed, it hurt him to have to make up elaborate lies. Not only was he a poor liar, but these people were already like friends to him – something he'd never experienced before. He didn't want to push them away.
Remus had rarely seen the corridors as deserted as they were five minutes into first lesson. His footsteps echoed around the wide corridors and birds had settled in the transfiguration courtyard once they were safe from the trampling feet of hundreds of students.
McGonagall was waiting for him outside of her office. She gave him a rare smile in greeting and opened the door for him to step inside. Remis had never been inside Professor McGonagall's office before but he supposed it looked exactly how he should have expected. There was a sturdy, plain oak desk in the centre of the room with two cold looking chairs in front of it and one not much more inviting behind it. On the back wall was an impressive bookshelf of which the bottom shelf was mainly magazines of varying age. A high, tall window looked out onto the transfiguration courtyard and another small table underneath held up several small group photographs of what looked like old quidditch teams and staff photos. One showed a group of older students and there were several quidditch trophies in an alcove near the door. The fire in the grate was merely embers.
"Sit down, Lupin. I don't want to keep you long."
Remus sat on the opposite side of the desk to her and tucked his hands under his thighs. He knew he hadn't done anything wrong but still he felt a little nervousness at the setting.
McGonagall pulled open a draw in her desk and set a letter onto the desk. "Your father sent this to me – it reached me a couple of days ago. He wanted to know how it all went. I was surprised he was going to me for information." She gave him a questioning look and Remus felt the same squirming in his stomach that came every time he tried to start the letter for his mother and father updating them on the 4th of October.
"I just… didn't know what to say to him Professor. I mean… I didn't escape so what else is there to say?"
McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "Well I think he wanted to know if you were happy with the arrangement once it had played out in reality and the headmaster and I were wondering the same."
Remus pondered this. Of course, he hadn't enjoyed the experience. He never did. It was painful and embarrassing, vile and dehumanising. As always, he had spotty memories of the night itself. He remembered the overwhelming stillness and silence of the abandoned cottage, and the smell of damp plaster and long dead mice – but few thoughts more sophisticated than overwhelming frustration at his inability to satisfy the huge urge to escape and attack had crossed his mind.
But in reality, it hadn't been as awful as usual. At home, first in his barricaded bedroom, then in the kitchen, the basement and even the stone outhouse depending of whatever new town they were in that year were like a cage. This had been a completely new environment. In fact, he distinctly remembered being distracted from his urges by the unusual freedom. Never, at the full moon had he experienced the freedom to climb the stairs and go into other rooms, to nose into cupboards and crawl under beds. It had occupied a more human part of his mind for a few minutes at anyone time. That human curiosity.
"It wasn't so bad actually. I think he quite liked it at times."
"He?"
"Yeah…" Remus looked at his feet. His shoelaces are coming undone. "Well I feel like we're not really the same person. We don't really think the same way. I would never behave like that… Except that I do. When I'm him." Remus directed his answer at his lap and trailed away into nothingness. He had comforted himself since this all started once he decided that the person he became at the full moon wasn't really him. After he'd been bitten, he had hated the man who had done it – why couldn't he have just controlled himself? Why did he have to come after a child like him? After he had experienced the full moon for himself and realised the insatiable need to bite any human within the vicinity be they a stranger or his own mother, he had felt sympathy. Never would the thought cross his mind to hurt his own mother and father before. Never had they needed to lock their son away from them, never had he been so violent.
And so he had thought If I turn into this monster every month that I can't control, how can I blame the man who did this to me? Actually, I feel sorry for him. Probably he doesn't have a family to keep him safe.
"I'm very grateful," Remus said quietly. "That you can do this for me."
"Yes, I believe you mentioned a few times," McGonagall said wryly. "I hope you aren't going to feel the need to personally thank me every month for the next seven years Lupin."
They sat in a silence that felt awkward to Remus but the professor didn't seem phased as she pulled out a small stack of papers bound together by string. "These are your records from Madame Pomfrey. I heard that you managed to avoid any serious injury this time."
"Yes, but I did ruin some of the furniture."
McGonagall smiled. "Yes well, the furniture is replaceable. Madame Pomfrey has opened up a correspondence with the research team at St Mungo's who are currently looking into remedies for magical animal bites. I'm not sure if you're aware, but there are many magical creatures which do irreversible damage. Your father had explained to me that he had been unable to look into any of this research for fear of having uncomfortable questions directed at him. Luckily, Hogwarts does have the means to collaborate on these matters both for the benefit of yourself and any students in a similar situation, but also for the intellectual curiosity of its staff. Professor Slughorn in particular is very interested in this vein of medicine. As is the headmaster himself. Now your mother and father have given the school permission to use our own discretion when it comes to trialling various medications – at your agreement of course."
Remus looked blankly at her. He had no idea there was anything that could be done to help him and allowed himself to feel a hint of hope. He knew, of course, that there was no cure for lycanthropy but if there was something that could just make it easier or even erase the ugly scars he was left with…
"Yes, I would like trial some things, maybe."
"In that case, I expect Madame Pomfrey will be in touch with you over the next few weeks. Now the other matter was merely logistics. Obviously the staff knew you were excused, the headmaster told them you were ill, but this is in no way a steadfast excuse. If a member of staff were to visit the hospital wing and find you absent they could easily become curious. Not to mention that the link between you being 'ill' and the date will eventually arouse some suspicion in a few of our staff."
"My dad told me to tell my friends that my mother was ill and that I was going to visit her." Remus mumbled, not meeting her eyes. He didn't like this particular story. "He said it was a good idea because they weren't likely to have meet my mum because she's a muggle."
"That could work among the staff," McGonagall conceded. It would be better for everyone to be using the same story. Your father did mention to me that you were uncomfortable with misleading your classmates but rest assured neither me, the headmaster nor your family are holding you accountable for the circumstances and should you wish to tell you friends you may, of course do so. Though your father advised very strongly against it."
Remus just nodded. He knew this already of course. He'd received a heavy debriefing on the 31st of August. The very idea that he would tell the other Gryffindors about his affliction was laughable.
McGonagall put the letter from Remus' father back into her desk and leaned forward to address him in a friendlier manner.
"On another vein, how has your first month been at Hogwarts? Have you enjoyed your classes?"
"Very much so," said Remus, truthfully. Though his mother and father had made every effort to teach him within their own home in the ways of the wizarding world and though he had experienced some patchy muggle schooling, Remus had never experienced anything quite like Hogwarts. And though he would never be quite the same as his classmates, he had never felt as though he belonged as he had this past month.
"I'm glad. I see you've made friends with Mr Pettigrew and Miss Evans. And your professors have only had positive things to say about your work, I've very pleased with your progress. There have been many students with fewer burdens to carry than you who have taken more difficulty in adjusting."
"Thank you, Professor." Remus could feel the blush creep up past his cheeks to his ears.
"Well Mr Lupin, twenty minutes remain of your History of Magic lesson so if you hurry you might be able to catch the end of it." Professor McGonagall briskly rose and swept over to the door. She held it politely open for her student. Remus smiled gratefully at her before hurrying down the corridor towards the grand staircase.
Later that month, Remus found himself making his way to the hospital wing just before curfew as per the summons from Madame Pomfrey he'd found on his bedside table in a sealed envelope that morning. He'd agreed to trial a muggle sedative before Halloween holidays. If it worked, then Madame Pomfrey had agreed to use it during the full moon on the 2nd of November.
Remus was greeted warmly by the matron and two strangers who were introduced as healers from St Mungo's research department. One, a young man with strawberry blonde hair and the other in perhaps is mid-fifties with salt-and-pepper facial hair. The older man was wearing a travelling cloak over his teal St Mungo's uniform and the younger a garish orange jumper.
"Mr Lupin, this is Healer Briggs and his colleague Healer Devon." Remus smiled shyly at the two professionals and mumbled a meek 'good evening.'
The hospital wing was a wide, high ceilinged, L shaped room with Madame Pomfrey's office and the supplies cupboard located out of sight of the main door around the corner. Taking advantage of the concealment from the main door, there were two beds with privacy screens only used for the most embarrassing of cases – usually botched de-pimplings – and this was where Remus had spent the morning of the 5th of October and where they were planning to allow the healers to trial muggle drugs on a werewolf for the first time. There was still a fortnight until the full moon but Remus was sure he could smell their excitement.
Behind the screen was a setup that Remus found a little frightening. There stool a metal table on top of which were two capped syringes and a small glass bottle of some white opaque liquid. He supposed this was the muggle drug.
Remus has never been to a wizarding or muggle hospital before and so didn't know how much magic to expect. He had, of course, injured himself many a time – sometimes benignly as a result of jumping off adventurously high walls and other times as a result of his crippling need to bite into some kind of flesh when confined to his room during the full moon. Either way, his father had been able enough in basic magical medicine to stop his knees from bleeding and his mother sensible enough to clean out his self-inflicted wounds before they could ever become infected.
The older man, Briggs, began to unpack small plastic tubing from sealed bags and took out a muggle calculator.
"I hope you won't mind if we do this the modern way. We are using muggle medicine after all. Could I please have your weight in kilogrammes?"
Madame Pomfrey instructed Remus to strip down to his underpants and vest and step onto a set of analogue scales she had just conjured so that Briggs could calculate the dosage. Meanwhile, Devon took out a set of paperwork headed with the St Mungo's banner. He indicated Remus to sit next to him and summarised it briefly.
"Now I've already sent all of this through to your parents who have written back in consent conditional to your agreement. Your matron explained briefly in her letter summoning you didn't she?"
Remus watched Briggs draw up the white liquid out the corner of his eye and shifted nervously on the hospital wing bed next to Devon. "Yes. Madame Pomfrey said it was a sedative which means it makes you go to sleep and that it is used on muggles before surgery and such."
"That's right. So far, no wizard has been able to cast a spell which holds on a werewolf during transformation. It is, of course, possible but very difficult, to stun a werewolf after it has transformed but unlike muggle medicines which are calibrated specifically to body weight and therefore allow quite an accurate estimate of the time it will take to wear off, stunning spells and similar can wear off at any moment depending on the magical strength of the subject. Not only that, it is particularly dangerous for a person to be in the room with a werewolf which could wake at any moment and have his wand arm for supper."
Remus gave a small appreciative smile at Devon's attempt at a joke. He noticed that the skin under his eyes looked somewhat bruised and Remus wondered vaguely if he had been sleeping at night.
"Now your weight doesn't change when you transform and so we're hoping the effect will last during transformation. The effects only last for little over half an hour so we're afraid that we would have to continuously dose through the moonlight hours. There is an increased risk of side effects with repeated dosing though, so we're merely going to test your tolerance to the drug today and note any side effects you may experience with the one dose."
Remus suddenly didn't like the sound of this. He'd imagined it would be somewhat like a dreamless sleep potion, which was simply drank and then a blissful sleep ensued where the length of time was determined by how much was consumed. This sounded a lot more… precarious.
"Muggles… use this all the time?" he asked tentatively.
Devon smiled reassuringly. "Oh yes it's used on infants, children and adults. I'd be very surprised if something unexpected happened today. Really it's November the second we're unsure about."
"Oh…" Remus watched Briggs come up by him with a small thin needle and felt rather reproachful. "Is it an injection?"
"Not quite. It's given intravenously so this part is going to hurt unfortunately."
Madame Pomfrey gave him an apologetic look as she took his left arm above and below the elbow in a firm grip. Remus resisted automatically before he caught himself.
"Sorry."
"That's quite alright Lupin."
Briggs smiled pleasantly at him as he crouched down beside Madame Pomfrey but his expression didn't do much to detract from the sharp object his is hands. He flicked the crook of Remus' elbow with his fingers and slowly fed the thin needle under the thin skin of his arm. Remus gritted his teeth, watching with wide eyes, but managed to resist the urge to pull his arm away. Not that it would have been a successful attempt as the matron has an iron grip on his arm.
"There." Briggs pulled and the fine metal needle slid out leaving the thin plastic tube resting in what Remus supposed was his vein. Sluggishly, dark crimson blood reached the end of the short tube before beading at the end and dripping down onto Remus' forearm. He flinched. There was something different about having a foreign object sitting inside of him that turned his stomach the way the coppery taste of his own blood in his mouth at dawn didn't anymore.
Briggs twisted a short clear tube to the end and to that attached a syringe full of some clear fluid.
"What's that?" Remus noted that his voice sounded a little high and he swallowed aggressively.
"Just water. To flush the line. You'll feel it go in but it won't hurt."
Remus watched as the blood seemed to disappear from the line. Briggs unscrewed the syringe and this time, nothing came out of the end.
Madame Pomfrey let go of him and he pulled his arm protectively towards himself, careful not to bend it.
"So, this is the drug we'll be testing today." Briggs held out the carefully measured syringe of milky liquid. "It might sting when it goes in. You should fall asleep within a few seconds and sleep for maybe half an hour before waking. When you wake, you will feel a bit dazed but this will wear off in an hour or so. Did you read and understand the list of side effects I sent to you?"
Remus nodded. "I looked them up in the library."
"Good. We checked your mother's medical history for any adverse reactions to similar substances but we couldn't find anything alarming."
"Um… okay."
"You still agree for me to give this to you, bearing in mind that it has never been tested on a wizard suffering from lycanthropy in human or wolf state?"
Remus licked his lips and agreed.
I can't believe I wrote this out in one day, usually it takes me months to get one of these out. I really liked the whole thing about Remus' lycanthropy being a parallel to HIV and so thought it might be interesting if he had agreed to some medical testing while at Hogwarts. Magical medicine wasn't really made very clear in the original books but there must have been some human trials before they came up with the wolfsbane potion. I imagine Lyall would have been happy to try and find a cure.
I could have dreamed up some magical nonsense but I thought since I know the tiniest bit about anaesthetics because I spent like a week shadowing there I should write what I know. Also at least I knew what I was researching. Starting to look into historical uses for plants was work I just wasn't into!
Also, I just love Petunia. How do you like Benny?
This chapter hasn't been beta-read. I think I will have to resign myself that she is just too busy to carry one with this fic.
Thanks for reading! I'd love to read what you thought!
~BS