Author's notes:
I am back guys. And this chapter is a wake-up call for Kakashi. It contains the dogs bullying their master to wake his conscience.
CHAPTER 11
'Trust.
It is not an ordinary thing. It is like gravitational force.
Gravity is an intangible thing that keeps planets in order.
So is trust.
It is an intangible things that makes our lives in order.
In a right place, right time and right person it can do miracles. Put it in a wrong place, it brings disaster.
Should I trust this person sitting in front of him?
Sure, he protected me when I was a baby. Now, he doesn't hate me. But is it enough to trust anyone?
I have been disappointed lot of times.
Sure, I like this person. In fact, he is the only remaining family I left. But is it enough to trust him?
Hell, my own father trusted his villagers so much and put it a demon in me. Even if my father had 1% doubt that I would be abused, he would not have done what he did. His trust disappointed me and I am disappointed in him.
It is one example. I don't trust anyone fully. Not even myself. You can't trust your own mind when you have an Uchiha around. I learnt that lesson horribly. I know not trusting anyone is unhealthy but my whole life is unhealthy.
Trust is a dangerous thing. It is like giving a sword to someone and showing them your own back. They can either have your back or stab your back.
And now, can I trust Kakashi? The thing is I already do. I trust him to watch my back. But can I trust him enough? Can I trust him all the time?
I am not sure. Because trust is not given. It is earned. Maybe in time I can trust him fully. But not now. Not when he thinks Konoha is still the same when his sensei ruled. Not when he is not aware of the faults of the one place he is giving his soul and blood for.
What can I do?
Let's take one step at a time.
Just go with the flow. We can see where it leads'.
Kakashi watched Naruto standing for a minute or two looking at his one visible eye intensely. 'I don't know what he is searching in me. I hope he finds it. I want him trust me even a little bit.'
Kakashi's self-depreciating half reared its ugly head at this point.
'Why do you want him to trust you? So that you can betray him like you did with everyone else around you? I mean why should that boy trust you? You are hell bent on avoiding him unless it is necessary, so what right you have to ask him to trust you? You hypocrite'
Both people with lonely, broken, hated and forgotten childhood in the room with insecurities spanning across the Fire nation borders were arguing with their inner selves, unaware of each other personal hells.
Naruto was the first one to recover though. It was not a surprise considering Kakashi had an emotional empathy, the level of chakra in his self- proclaimed rival, Mighto Guy. It was infinitesimally small.
"My day is fine Sensei. How is yours?", Naruto answered looking straight at Kakashi's face.
Kakashi was brought out of his musings at that point. The confidence in Naruto's tone made Kakashi stun for a second. He realized the conversation to uncover Naruto might not be easy as he imagined. Fret not, Kakashi wasn't easy either.
"So what did you do?", Kakashi asked looking for an answer.
"Everything you asked me to do, practice for some time and something more that doesn't compromise the mission or safety of my comrades and Konoha", Naruto replied in a crisp manner standing straight with hand behind his back, looking at Kakashi. He looked like an ANBU responding to his commander. In fact, Kakashi thought he looked like an ANBU captain of one village confronting an ANBU captain of another village.
"And this 'something more', do you have any desire to disclose that?", Kakashi asked in an aloof tone.
"Why does my personal something matter?", Naruto asked in a same warrior tone.
"It is my job as your sensei and captain of this team to judge your actions whether it compromises the mission or the safety of others. There is a reason why genins are not allowed solo missions. They are young and inexperienced", Kakashi replied in somewhat responsible tone.
"I went on a date", Naruto replied. "How about that? Does it compromise the mission?"
His tone was so serious, Kakashi almost believed the nonsense. Two can play a game.
"Yeah. What if someone abducted you in the name of date? You are young and if we come after you how can we complete the mission?", Kakashi asked.
"Wow, I thought you would complete the mission first. Good to know your priorities. Thanks sensei", Naruto said with a frown and Kakashi sat there like he was electrocuted.
'What the hell! What is Naruto talking about? Why would he think I wouldn't come to his rescue?'
'You would rescue him? Like you left him as a baby and went on a mission and chose to forget his existence for a long time', Kakashi's conscience was bullying him while Naruto almost regretted the words that came out. Almost.
Naruto knew that was Kakashi's sorepoint but he wanted this conversation to stop. It would be a lie if he said that was the only reason though. He couldn't help the bitterness that leaked in his words. He wasn't sure if Kakashi would stand by him if Konoha turned its back on Naruto. The desperate need for wanting Kakashi to choose him made him say ugly words sometimes.
He wasn't all forgiving. He didn't bother with other people because he didn't care. He cared about Kakashi though. He needed Kakashi's approval. He wanted Kakashi to know he wasn't a monster like everybody thought.
Why?
He wasn't sure.
Was it because Kakashi was famiy? His first precious person? A respected shinobi he looked up to? His personal hero? His sensei?
He didn't know for sure. It might be a part of it or all of it but he wanted to his validation. Naruto believed only by Kakashi's approval his existence can be proved anything other than monster. But Kakashi was the only person who wouldn't easily accept that.
He was brought out of his thoughts by an urgent tone Naruto thought he would not hear from Kakashi unless their lives were in danger.
"Naruto! What the hell are you talking about? Didn't I tell you I would never leave my teammate behind? People who abandon their friends are worse than scum. Do you think I am worse than scum?", Kakashi asked half angry, half sad.
"I don't think that Kaka-sensei. I strongly believe if it is Sasuke or Sakura, you will not leave them behind. Me, I am not sure", Naruto said in an indifferent tone.
"Naruto, you are as important as anyone else in our team. You are not less than anybody in Konoha". 'In fact, you are more important, Naruto. You just don't know', Kakashi tried so hard to hide his self-blame.
"You don't have to lie sensei. I know myself very well. After all, I am someone who is responsible for lot of deaths", Naruto replied.
"Naruto! Listen to me, listen to me very well. You are not a monster. You didn't kill anybody. You don't have to think about others. You have to believe, I will always come to your rescue. You aren't a monster to me", Kakashi stressed.
"You can stop lying sensei. I almost believed you", Naruto retorted shaking his head.
"I am not lying. Why the hell are you not listening to me? What I have ever done for you to believe that I think you as a monster?", Kakashi was starting to loose his cool. He seriously couldn't understand why Naruto mistrusted him so much.
"Oh yeah, if you really believe that you can start by stop flinching whenever you see coming. Or avoid seeing me. You aren't a good liar as you think you are sensei. A good liar should co-ordinate his words with his body", Like me, Naruto answered.
Kakashi felt like he was drenched with cold water. He swallowed very hard. He thought he was hiding it very well but he wasn't fooling Naruto. He was only fooling himself. Kakashi didn't know how to answer Naruto.
" Naruto, I-" Kakasi started nervously not knowing what to say.
"Kakashi, do you know what the worst part is? I don't think you are seeing me as a monster either. In fact, you are not seeing me at all. That is the problem. When others look at me, at least they see a monster and I agree, that is a part of what I am. I am not ashamed of that and I agree. Because I have that monster in me and it is a significant part of me. It is what I am. I have some advantages the demon gave me so I accept the disadvantage too. So it is to acceptable for me to called a monster. But you, you don't look at me like a monster. Heck, you don't even look at me. It feels like you look past me like a past story you wish didn't happen or you look through me like you wish I didn't happen. How can I believe your words when you don't see me for what I am?", Naruto half yelled shocking one demon fox and one mismatch eyed sensei.
The demon fox couldn't feel uncomfortable when Naruto said that he accepted the monster as a part him and he wasn't ashamed for that. It hoped this brat was different like he thought. It was different uncomfortable feeling.
Kakashi was shocked when Naruto accused him of that and he couldn't be more accurate.
'What accused? All Naruto said was true? I did see my sensei whenever I saw Naruto. I wished my sensei was alive. I wished those awful things didn't happen and I wasn't left alone. I saw a past I wished didn't happen which subconsciously made me flinch. I saw my sensei in Naruto so much, I compared everything Naruto did to my sensei and disappointed if Naruto deviated from my sensei's character'.
'Sometimes I thought maybe if Kushina-san wasn't pregnant, nine-tails wouldn't have escaped. That were those times I hated myself so much for thinking like that and my guilt for abandoning my sensei's legacy was huge that I didn't know how to face Naruto.'
'I never know I hurt Naruto so much by my actions, to the point, he would think I would abandon him to die. I made him think he didn't matter as much his teammates. What have I done?'
Naruto continued not giving a damn about what Kakashi was thinking.
"So if you want me to believe you, start by seeing my eyes without flinching. Maybe your words will amount to something then", Naruto replied and jumped out of the window leaving the stunned Kakashi behind.
Naruto started running. He might have started that conversation wanting to shut Kakashi up but it ended with revealing his inner thoughts. Naruto didn't regret it though. He was a human capable of feeling sad and hurt.
'Kakashi had to accept that. If he couldn't see it, he wasn't worth my time and efforts'.
Naruto decided and didn't stop running.
"Naruto, stop. You are running at a high speed not knowing where you are going", kyubi warned.
"Look out for danger. Will you?", Naruto said and kyubi accepted without an answer.
Kakashi though wasn't as good as Naruto.
"What have I done?", Kakashi repeated those words again and again both inside his mind and out. He sensed a panic attack coming. He used his recovered chakra and summoned his ninkens (ninja dogs).
'Oi Kakashi, you are having panic attack. You hadn't one in a long time" , his ninken pack leader Pakkun said.
"Breathe, Kakashi. Breathe", Guruko, another dog said.
Kakashi, after a dozen minutes recovered.
"What happened Kakashi? At least, you put up a privacy seal. What would happen if your students see your state?", Akino said.
"It wasn't me. It was Naruto. He didn't want others to hear him yelling at me. I guess he didn't want my dignity to be trampled", Kakashi said with a wry smile.
"That brat gave you panic attack? He is a good kid though. Did you blame yourself again?", Pakkun asked.
"He blamed me and he was right", Kakashi said.
Bull, who cannot speak human words, looked at Kakashi questioningly.
Kakashi explained what happened to his ninkens, whom he trusted completely. "What have I done?", Kakashi completed with the same question which plagued half his life.
"Kakashi, I am going to tell you the same thing I told you before. It is not about what have you done. It is about what you are going to do now. Kakashi, I never believed the death of your loved ones are your fault. But this time, it is your fault Kakashi. You fucked up. You feel scared, just imagine how scared that kid was. Your most admirable quality is loyalty Kakashi. Right now, why are you disloyal to your pack? Don't forget Kakashi, if your sensei was alive, that kid would have been your pack. Your sensei believed you to look after the kid before he was even born. He trusted no one except you with the unborn kid Kakashi."
"Yeah, what good did it do? I didn't save Kushina-san", Kakashi retorted.
"So, you chose to forsake the one you could save? When you go to the memorial, you always say you can't forget them just because they are dead. Then their words mean nothing to you? If your sensei was alive, his son would have been under your care. Now that he is dead, his thoughts didn't matter anymore?", Pakkun continued to poke the copy-nin's conscience.
"You know that is not it", Kakashi denied.
"Then what is it Kakashi? You see your sensei in that kid. It is your problem, not that kid's. Don't be selfish Kakashi. This is not about you anymore. A lonely child life is at stake. This kid requires you more than the Uchiha kid".
"The council told me to concentrate on Uchiha", Kakashi said unconvinced of his own judgement.
"Shut up. From when have you ever played by the council? Everyone knows you are the only shinobi who bend rules for the life of his comrades and get away with it. You only accepted the council's decision this time because it suited your own interests. The Uchiha kid has council support, clan money, clan jutsus and civilians worshipping him, ninjas protecting him. Naruto has no one Kakashi. He needs you more. The third may seemed to support Naruto but you and I both know he could have done more. He isn't thinking about Naruto as much as he let us beleive", Pakkun growled and other dogs agreed too.
Kakashi couldn't refuse it. He couldn't believe his selfishness almost destroyed the relationship with Naruto. 'He was a sweet kid with huge responsibility thrust on him. He had all the choices taken away from him. Just like me. It wasn't Naruto's fault. Screw the council. I will help Naruto. I wouldn't ignore him anymore'.
"Why do I think you guys like Naruto more than me?", Kakashi pouted at his ninkens and it was hidden behind his masks.
"He is our pack", Akino answered and other dogs agreed.
Kakashi looked surprised.
"Don't look surprised. Your sensei unofficially adopted you after your father died. We were grateful to him and if he was alive we were pretty sure you would have summoned us to play with him. So, if we checked in on him once in a while when he was in orphanage without you knowing, we are not admitting it", Guruko said and turned his head avoiding Kakashi's eyes. NInkens doesn't always need to be summoned to appear in human world. They can come and go as they like. They could even be summoned without chakra by a child who hadn't molded chakra if the clan accepted the child.
Kakashi was ashamed and happy and proud. He chuckled and gave belly rubs to his dogs lovingly.
"And we were scared too", Akino said and Bull nodded. Kakashi looked at them questioningly.
"If we didn't take care of Naruto and were to meet your sensei's hothead wife, red headed Haberno Kushina-san after death, we don't want to know what she would do", Pakkun grumbled and other dogs shuddered at the memory when the dogs chewed one of Naruto's sweaters Kushina was knitting when she was pregnant. Let's just say, the dogs were never scared like that anytime ever.
Kakashi was shocked for the nth time that day. He completely forgot what Kushina-san would do.
Man, I am screwed.
If he was already scared how he was going to meet his sensei for ignoring Naruto, now he was petrified to meet Kushina.
Above all, the shame that revolted his whole being on the thought he betrayed the trust of a woman who whole heartedly accepted him as a family and cooked for him and cared for him and knitted sweater for him so he wouldn't be cold, who told him she understood why Rin died more than anybody and believed it wasn't his fault and took his hand and treated the wounds when he couldn't wash the blood how much he washed. He abandoned her son. He was worse than scum. Wasn't he?
Not anymore.
And it wasn't about him not being a scum. It was about Naruto.
He was his pack. Kakashi's whole family was dog's summoner and they always think in terms of pack rather than family. To them pack was more important than family. To Hatake family, pack signified unity and loyalty. Kakashi was used to thinking in that terms too. For example, Guy, Genma, Tenzo and Asuma were pack to Kakashi. They were just Kakashi's friends to his ninkens. But his ninkens accepted sensei and his family as their pack even though sensei was frog summoner. It didn't surprise Kakashi though because his sensei and Kushina-san treated the ninkens as their own too. Kushina-san cooked for them and sensei helped him bathe the dogs. They accompanied kushina-san when she was pregnant when she spent most of the time alone due to her pregnant was a secret.
Kakashi was beginning to see his actions were not appropriate. He wasn't proud of many qualities of him but he was proud of one. Loyalty.
He was loyal to his pack and Naruto was his pack too. No one was allowed to make his pack unhappy. Not even his ownself.
'Wait for me Naruto. I will show you that you can trust me. Just like you asked. Just like I promised sensei and Kushina-san. Just like I promised myself'.
The moon slowly lighted the room and Kakashi and the dogs looked through the window.
At the same time, Naruto was looking at the moon from one the high branches of a tree near the sea and the fox looked at it too sharing a single eye with Naruto.
'I want to trust you Kakashi. Show me I can trust you. I am waiting'.
All of them hoped the dawn tomorrow was as bright and hopeful as this moonlight.