. . .

Merasmus gazed at Spy/The Administrator as "she" was dippiing a garlic roll in butter and neatly eating it. The wizard thought the "she" had sumptuous lips.

"My dear, you do have the most adorable face when you're eating," the wizard complimented. He leaned over to grab Spy's other hand, brushing a finger against it.

Spy smiled tightly, immediately slapping Merasmus's hand away.

"Pressing on the gas pedal a little too much now, are we?" Spy said with mock courtesy.

Realizing his unsavory mistake, Merasmus replied, "Ah-heh…my apologies. It's just that I never met someone so icily lovely with a touch of poison on the tip of such… luscious lips; a danger intertwined in a ruthless personality with vile eyes the color of a dead, overcast sky! I'm sure you've gotten many a man's attention over the years."

All Spy could do was cringe inwardly. The wizard's speech was worse than hearing RED Scout read his attempts at writing poetry for Miss Pauling or a drunken, slurring Demoman trying to recite a church prayer.

Clearing his throat, Spy said, "Indeed, I have. But just because they admired me doesn't mean they could touch me like I was some dog to pet. That's earned through respect and a budding relationship."

"Ah, how could I have been so remiss?" Merasmus agreed, not taking his starstruck eyes off the disguised mercenary. "Cultivating mutual interest is a priority before the physical aspect of it. Perhaps your waiter friend inadvertently stoked my interest a bit further with his flattery of you."

Spy was certainly going to give his BLU counterpart an earful for not sticking to the plan. The other Spy seemed to be enjoying his awkward situation a little too much. The things a father will do to get his son back to normal…

"Yes, well, he can be bit too enthusiastic about such things." After quickly finishing off the roll, he turned to the wizard, a devious glint in his eye. "I'd like to know…have you ever had an Australium prune shake?"

Merasmus was a tad puzzled. "I don't believe I have."

The wizard was distracted when a waiter passed by, pushing a cartful of whole, baked bullfrogs on a white platter. He recoiled in disgust.

Accursed meat-eating savages! He thought scathingly. A pity my powers won't allow me to fumigate the entire planet from them!

"Well, it involves grinding the metal into dust and combining three heaping tablespoons in a puree of prunes and ice," Spy went on with a cheerful pretense. "Add some gin and clamato juice. A marvelous cocktail involving my favorite fruit, but you could add any kind you like. You should try it sometime."

Merasmus mulled over it. It sounded familiar, being as he sometimes combined the elements of alchemy and food together in his countless list of magic concoctions. Before his interest piqued further, Spy interrupted his thoughts when he added, "Now, let me tell you about the time I had ten Australium bars smelted into a black widow statue for my mint collection display…"

"Oh, uh, another story about the ore?" Merasmus asked, growing wary.

Spy smiled, eyes alight with an insincere excitement. "I'm just full of them. It's my one and only obsession in the world."

"You don't have any other interests?"

"Who needs them when you have Australium?"

Meanwhile, outside the restaurant…

RED FemScout and Miss Pauling had managed to hide among some Privet bushes by one of the side windows. They had a pretty good view of the date taking place, although Scout kept sneezing.

"Bad allergies?" she asked.

"Yeah, must be these flowers over here," he/she replied, wiping their nose.

"We could move over to the other window just left of you."

"Nah, I ain't gonna let some dumb flower stop me from gettin' this good view here," Scout rebuked. "They're too far from the other window."

"You're so stubborn," Pauling remarked.

Movement caused her to turn to see BLU Scout and BLU Pyro scurry into the bushes beside them.

"Get lost, numbnuts," RED Scout snapped. "I told ya we don't need any help!"

While BLU Pyro looked a bit hurt and lowered their head, BLU Scout smirked. "Not even with this?"

He held up a small, 8mm camcorder. RED Scout remembered that he forgot to ask BLU Engineer about packing one for their trip to Tuefort in filming Spy's date. RED Scout tried to hide his pleasant surprise with an air of indifference.

"Eh, whatever, I guess."

Miss Pauling was aghast. "You're not going to film the date and make fun of Spy later about it, are you?"

"Who said anything about mocking him with it? I need, uh, evidence just in case…sexual embarrassment," RED Scout explained. "You never know, Merasmus could, uh…pretend the carrot on his plate is somethin' nasty, ya know…"

"It's sexual harassment, not embarrassment," Pauling corrected. "And stop lying, Scout. You're getting back at him because you still got some lingering daddy issues."

He bristled. "That ain't true! Really!"

"Mmm-hhmm." Miss Pauling nonchalantly examined one of her fingernails. "How's that nose growing for you, Pinocchio?"

"Well even if he recorded it, how will anyone ever know it's actually Spy?" BLU Scout interjected. "To the naked eye, it's just the crochety ol' Administrator out on a date with the resident evil sorcerer who wants to snuff out both teams like we were some puss-filled boil on his back."

"Mphhsgh hnpggsgg hurmmp," BLU Pyro dryly remarked.

"Yeah, but there are ways to sway him," BLU Scout countered, smiling deviously. "After all, RED Soldier is his one true nemesis. I'm sure Merasmus ain't capable of turnin' down an offer or negotiation by the other mercs if it'll suit his needs. Sometimes, ya gotta do the bendin' for a difficult, potential client."

"Gimme that!" RED Scout snatched the camcorder from his BLU counterpart and began filming his dad and the wizard.

BLU Scout was a bit annoyed. "Uh, you're welcome?"

"Think about what you're doing," Pauling protested. "I thought you and Spy worked this out during the robot invasions."

"I agree, Jerema," BLU Scout threw in, before catching his mistake. "Sorry, I mean, Jeremy." He muttered under his breath, "Remember, she's really a guy, not a chick! A guy!"

Perking up, he continued sympathetically, "Anyhow, it's gonna take awhile for you guys to really come to terms. So uh, you are goin' to use it as evidence against Mr. Witch Man in case he tries anythin' funny, right?"

RED Scout merely grinned while continuing to film. "Of course, ya dummy. Just because I don't show love outwardly to my asshole dad doesn't mean I don't love him. This is my way of lookin' out for him."

"Whatever you say, Crit-a-Boy," Miss Pauling grumbled.

. . .

The crowd was getting a bit restless as the intermission between the last half of the act had not started yet. It's been over forty-five minutes now. Zhanna blew a strand of hair out of her face, having stared at the stage for a good five minutes as she and Soldier remain seated in the chairs amid a group of doting parents and their kids – half of them getting antsy without the show's final act to sate their entertainment needs. The Russian had decided to come just to relive the nostalgia of the childhood fairy tale, as Heavy used to read it to her back in Siberia. Soldier was uninterested but came along anyway just to eat at an A&W restaurant.

Zhanna turned to Soldier, concerned. "Aren't they taking alot of time to start next act?"

"They are probably on a piss break. Must be a long line to the restroom."

Her attention was then diverted to a crusty old lady who looked every bit the stereotypical grandma: short pouffe of white hair, glasses, wrinkly and skinny and wearing a shawl over her shoulders to keep her warm. She was knitting a foot warmer from a ball of light brown yarn.

"That is crafty work you have there," she complimented.

The senior lady looked up with a warm, accommodating smile. "Why thank you, dear child. I'm making it for my grandson. He's playing one of the dwarves in the show."

"Which one?"

"Bashful."

"That is shy one, right?"

"Yes. Quite a talented little actor, bless his heart."

Next to RED Engineer sat Olivia Mann, whom he had adopted not long after Gray Mann's death. Given that she was illegally placed as CEO of Mann Co., her position with the corporation was nullified by an appellate court, deeming her unfit for the job due to not being obsessed with bonus raises for herself every fiscal quarter. Amazingly, one district judge had enough common sense to point out that she was ridiculously too young to be running a company.

Since Engineer's family had a lengthy history going back to the Mann brothers and their father, it seemed fated that generations of the Conaghers would always be intertwined with their employer/benefactors. The Texan had unexpectedly developed a paternal fondness for the precocious little girl; in turn, she gravitated towards him because of what he specialized in.

Like him, she had an interest in technology and all things mechanical, whether it was taking apart an analog alarm clock or tracing the direction of an electric current on a schematic. She even liked to build things, often pestering him in his laboratory about all his various machines and gadgets.

And so, he slowly found himself spending more time with her and explaining each of his inventions, even when she couldn't quite grasp the more complicated information that delved into electrical engineering theory, physics and mind-boggling formulas. Net yet, anyway.

She did show signs one day being a tinkerer herself; she had an extraordinary memory recall of learning and storing information as Dell himself did. She was capable of using abstract concepts and problem solving compared to her grade-school peers. Being away from Gray's sinister influence also brought out a softer side of her personality; she was more curious and less ornery, but still used to getting her way sometimes. That's when Engineer had to be firm and continually remind her that that's just not how life worked.

"I want another cotton candy again," Olivia stated, pointing toward a man passing out treats from a nearby vendor cart.

Speaking of which…

This time, he decided to relent since she had been well-behaved. "Alright, only because ya'll haven't reached your sugar limit today."

"No, I'm saving it for one of my experiments later on," she corrected. "I might use in a science project for school."

Engineer remembered the overzealous nature of how Soldier felt about food and treats with American origins being subjected to "evil, un-Godlike horror" – none other than experiments of a scientific nature. But before he could warn Olivia to not say anymore, Soldier suddenly piped up.

"Little miss, that is no way to treat a precious commodity!" Soldier chided, wagging a finger at her. "Desecrating an American treasure for the Devil's work is tantamount to the greatest sin on Earth!"

Olivia wrinkled her nose, confused. "Science is the Devil's work?"

"It is if you are using Americans!"

Engineer inwardly groaned and protested, knowing he was going to lose this argument anyway. "But it ain't even alive, Soldier. It's just a sweet made outta spun sugar and food coloring."

"It is AMERICAN, not 'not alive.' How could you be so impassive about it? Were you not taught in your Rebel hick town about protecting the cotton candy legacy left by our forefathers?"

If Soldier could see Engineer's eyes through his dark goggles, they'd be rolled way back in his head. Given that he was used to Soldier's superior Yankee attitude, he also chose to ignore that irritating jab to his Southern pride. Now was not the time for an argument, as he wanted to make sure Olivia had a good time.

"I suppose my mah town never caught wind of those sacred values. Doesn't mean I can't learn'em." When he saw Soldier bear his teeth in disapproval, he added, "Sir."

"You'd do well to not to piss all over their graves, Lieutenant!"

After turning away, Engineer leaned over to Olivia and whispered, "We're still getting' one for your experiment, honey. Soldier ain't always right. His beliefs are just…different from everybody else's."

Olivia beamed at hearing the good news. Beside her, a familiar girl with red braided pigtails was returning from a bathroom break with her dad. Olivia was glad because the girl's brother was being obnoxious, pretending his corn dog was something explicit while the mom was being a loud motormouth, talking nonstop to another parent without even catching a breath.

"Oh good, I didn't miss anything," Carly, the redhead, remarked. "I wanna see that mean ol' witch get what she deserves. It's my favorite part of the show. Plus, Miss Pauling is going to get kissed by the Prince!"

Olivia furrowed her brows at the mention of the purple-clad secretary. She'd only seen Pauling a handful of times, not counting the ones where Gray Mann was vilifying her on a projection screen at Mann Co. headquarters: a killer, a traitor to their company and a right-hand woman to his arch nemesis, The Administrator.

She also couldn't see Pauling as the type who'd spent time on children's activities, like participating in theater. Except, Olivia didn't know that it wasn't the Administrator's assistant on the stage. She and Carly were confusing Pauling with Felicia.

"Hmmm, she usually seems busy running all over the place where I live with my guardian and telling secret stuff to him and his friends," Olivia observed. "I think she might be some kind of government agent."

"What's a government agent?"

"It's someone who works for the government and keeps a lot of secrets."

Carly was astounded. "Ohhh, I see! She's not a gossip girl! She doesn't go around blabbering out other peoples' secrets. I didn't know that could be a job!"

"Uhh, something like that…"

Meanwhile, over in the backstage…

Felicia stepped back to evaluate the Evil Queen costume for The Administrator. The older woman was dressed in a hooded black robe, a gray wig of long, scraggly hair and a fake pointy nose.

The child actors played the dwarves while the adults played the forest animals and other human characters. The Administrator was going over the script for the third time, having not touched one in over 100 years.

"I can't believe my death involves tripping over a dead raccoon while I walk away from poisoning Snow White," she grumbled.

"Well, we're not exactly copying the Disney movie," Felicia explained, "Mr. Howard, wants to put his own spin on the story. Originally, we were going to have the dwarves just insult the Evil Queen until she dropped dead from all the verbal abuse."

"Another scenario was having her choke on an apple piece," Terri added. "Then the Queen would lay down and die, but not before telling Snow White that the Prince is proudly gay."

"What? That doesn't make sense," The Administrator disapproved.

"We wanted to put in a socially relevant message." Felicia shrugged. "You know, to recognize marginalized groups in this country. Prince Charming swinging the other way? Genius." She sighed, slumping her shoulders. "But it's a children's show, so Mr. Howard said no. We're still saving the scene for the adult version on Saturday."

Terri was now looking sad, shaking her head. "Poor, poor Bertha. Maybe if she had stayed in the porn industry, she would still be alive today."

"Yeah, her heart gave out to the Grimm Fairy Tale curse." Felicia's eyes became misty and poignant. "It's never the drugs. Always the curse." She turned to Terri. "Has the ambulance arrived yet to take the body away?"

"No, Bertha is still on the ground. I told the kids she's just sleeping."

The director, Mr. Howard, had just arrived on the stage platform. "They better get here soon, or it'll start smelling." After briefly surveying all the cast members, he perked up with a superficial smile. "But as we all know, the show must go on. Now hurry up and get those little brats in here so we can continue the play! One of them keeps poking at Bertha's corpse!"

Several minutes later, all the actors took their places on the platform, amidst a matte forest background and accessory props like fake logs and rocks. The dwarves' cabin, no bigger than the size of an average tree house, was shoddily erected on the left side of the stage. It looked like it had been constructed in a hurry with its thatched roof ready to buckle inward.

The stage curtains parted, and Mr. Howard stepped forward, smiling brightly at the audience.

"Ladies and gentleman, and kiddies, dogs, cats, freaks and uh, suspicious-looking adults that keep hanging around the kids - we apologize for the delay. We had a certain…mishap. But all is good now, let's continue on the last act! Enjoy now, enjoy now!"

Hastily clapping his hands, he backed away from the center platform, and introduced the assembled cast.

"Pretty purple lady!" Carly waved at Felisha, once again confusing her for Miss Pauling.

Zhanna squinted at the Evil Queen. "What happened to old witch? Why does she look like she lost 100 pounds?"

Soldier was also stumped. "Maybe she is on a hardcore diet."

"To lose all that flubber so fast?"

"It must be the Atkins diet. Reader's Digest did an article on it. You can lose a pound in under 30 seconds."

"Wow! Is incredible! It must have come from Australia."

"Nope, it is American," Soldier boasted with a grin.

Taking in a deep breath, The Administrator got into her role. It was the moment when Snow White took the poisoned apple and bit it.

The actor in the apple costume came forward to Felicia. "Don't I look delicious to you, maiden?"

"Oh, yes! I will now take a bite of this juicy man, I mean, apple that's not a man in a costume!" Felicia replied, licking her lips. "Mmmm-mmmm!"

She proceeded to bite one side of the red material of the costume.

"Not so hard now, this is school property," the apple actor whispered. "Vandalism and all…"

The Administrator was next in saying her line, uttering with malicious intent, "Yes, yes, that's it! Indulge in this delectable treat, child! Eat it!"

After a few seconds passed, Felicia put a hand against her head. "Oh, I…I feel funny. Light-headed."

She proceeded to walk around in a drunken state, while the "Evil Queen" watched with insidious delight.

"Oh no, what's happening with Snow White?" one of the deer actors asked.

"Maybe it's an Apple Martini," a rabbit actor suggested. "One drink can really get you wasted."

"She should have started off with Gin and tonic instead," a chipmunk actor remarked.

Felicia collapsed to the ground, and that was The Administrator's cue to proceed to cackle out loud. Next to Olivia, Carly cowered and hid her face in her father's jacket.

"No, no, she killed Snow White! She's so scary!" the girl whimpered.

"BWAHAHAHAAA! I did it!" the Administrator announced in her smokey, deep voice.

All the animal actors gasped and began fretting over Snow White, while a crow actor remarked, "Yep, I knew it. That Martini, man. Should have gone for 6% alcohol."

"No, you idiots!" The Administrator sneered. "I killed her! And there's nothing you can do about it, TEHHEEEHEEE!"

Inwardly, the older woman cringed. This better be worth sacrificing all of my dignity. That Australium is going to be MINE!

"Now that the fake brunette is dead, I am the real brunette of them all! Take that, you dumb blondes!" The Administrator turned to haughtily strut away, but paused when she saw no dead raccoon on the stage. Where was the animal's corpse that she was supposed to trip on?

Okay, what do I do now? Where's the rodent?

"Ooops!" Terri noticed the missing prop and furiously signaled for one of the assistants offstage. She silently mouthed out, 'racoon.'

The stagehand immediately understood, and quickly went to go find it. It was an awkward moment for The Administrator standing there, frozen in place without any cues to continue. So, she just decided to belt out another evil, witchy cackle, which freaked out Carly even more.

"Daddy, she's so creepy!" the little girl whined in distress.

"Don't worry, pumpkin, she's just insecure trash who feels sorry for herself because Snow White's getting all the attention," her father replied. "Think of it like how Bette Davis and Joan Crawford hated each other."

Luckily, the lifeless raccoon was tossed on the floor a minute later. Even from a distance, Olivia could've sworn it was a real one. The Administrator pretended to trip over it, stumble forward and die. Several of the actors and audience members snickered, but in that moment, the older woman paid them no attention. Her mind was back in the past, to her teenage years and vying for that tantalizing power of Australium…

Just like the olden days on the stage…I may not have been the best actress; or what dear mommy and daddy wanted of me, but when it came to that precious, precious metal, I did it all for that. It is my god, my life, my…addiction…

The chipmunk actor scurried over to the dead Queen and sniffed her. He then turned to the others, casually stating, "Yeah, the old bag's a goner."

Soldier suddenly leapt up, raising a fist in the air. "Waita go, my fellow critter! You are a true patriot in taking out the Queen with a tactical precision strike!"

"Dagnabbit Soldier, sit down!" Engineer whispered.

"JUST LIKE WITH THE DIRECT HIT! THE ENEMY HAS FALLEN AND THE RACCOON INFANTRY HAS SECURED THE VICTORY! UP YOUR WRINKLY ASS, YOU DIRTY MARXIST WITCH!"

"Yeah!" someone in the crowd agreed. "The poor animal threw itself in front of the Queen and gave up its life!"

"The roadkill is the true hero of the story!" another one piped up.

"YOU ARE AN AMERICAN INDEED," Soldier continued hollering and vigorously clapped while Engineer covered up one of his ears, trying to scoot away from the crazed military man. "LIUTENANT BITES WOULD BE PROUD! I SALUTE YOU, FELLOW WARRIOR!"

One veteran father wiped a tear from his eye. "That was so wholesome." He stood up and announced to the crowd. "Let's hear it for the raccoon corpse! A brave trooper to the end!"

Most of the crowd proceeded to clap and cheer. Zhanna smiled and stood up, joining her lover in heartily celebrating the Queen's demise. Even Carly started clapping, and gently elbowed Olivia to do the same. The dark-haired girl was hesitant, not seeing what the big deal was.

Carly's brother wasn't impressed, folding his arms. "Too bad the raccoon didn't just bite and give her rabies."

Off-stage, Mr. Howard surveyed the scene with dismay. "This isn't part of the act!" Thinking it over for a moment, he then shrugged. "Oh well, as long I'm getting the money from this show."

. . .

* Olivia and Engineer's parental relationship is inspired by Control_Room's "Miss" fanfic. Olivia's portrayal is also based off the version in Pokey's SFM movie, "Beep Jr. 2: Corrupted Minds."

. . .