A/N: Hey, everyone. Sorry for the extremely long wait for this one, but for some reason I was lacking the impetus to write anything for like a month. Plus, I distracted myself with creating Moment sub-pages for this series' TV Tropes page, which took a lot more effort than you'd think. But anyway, it's here now, so I hope you all enjoy it and that it's worth the wait, even if it's just another bit of filler.
Nothing else to say, beyond once again hoping everyone is taking care of themselves in these troubling times.
Beyond that, read on!
Last time, on The New Adventures of Invader Zim: With skool out for Spring Break, Nyx and Gaz decided to go on a trip to the gaming planet Arcadikon. A detour to Slumia so Nyx could do a favor for Grissom resulted in Gaz being mistaken for an animal and sent to the pound. After Nyx saved her, the pair then traveled to Foodcourtia in order to complete Grissom's favor of eliminating a rival gang for him. Then the two went on complete their trip and have their fun.
Meanwhile, back on Earth…
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim or any related characters, just the OCs that appear in this chapter.
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The New Adventures of Invader Zim
Season 2
Episode 9: Battle of the Fans
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Team Save Earth had gathered in the Membrane house, as usual, though a bit earlier than normal, thanks to Spring Break meaning they didn't have to deal with skool first. What wasn't usual, however, was that Dib was barely registering his friends' presence, focused instead on pacing back and forth across the living room, arms behind his back and a frown etched onto his face.
The twins, seated on the couch, watched him pace for several minutes in mild concern, before finally speaking up.
"If you keep pacing like that, man, you're going to wear a hole in the floor," Steve commented, "Maybe you should take a breath and calm down?"
"Would you calm down if your sister was running around in space with a psychotic alien who's dragging her into doing who knows what?" Dib snapped, pausing in his pacing to turn his attention to the couch.
"First of all, I'd never be in that situation," Viera said dryly, "Secondly, you really think anyone could ever make Gaz do anything she doesn't want to do? I'd be more worried about anyone they run into along the way."
"I know that, but it's not the point," Dib sighed, before collapsing into a chair.
Seeing Dib starting to slide into a mood, Steve quickly grabbed the remote and switched on the TV, looking for something to distract them all with. Finding it set to some soap opera, he blanched and quickly changed the channel. He spent the next few minutes cycling through a stream of daytime talk shows, cheesy movies, and various other unexciting content, none of which Dib even seemed to notice was on. Eventually he reached the news, and paused to see if anything interesting was being discussed.
"This is Jeff Sheffy, live from the Vasquez Convention Center," the reporter on screen announced, "It's that time again, as the annual Fantasy Con has come to town."
"Ugh, is that this week?" Viera groaned.
"I'd have thought you'd be happy about it," Steve commented, "You're a big fantasy fan."
"Yeah, but I hate conventions — doesn't matter if they're fantasy, sci-fi or anything else," she explained, "They're supposed to be places were fans can interact with each other in a fun and enjoyable way, but nine times out of ten they're overrun by people so obsessed with their fandoms that they turn every disagreement over details into a huge fight."
"Not to mention all the corporate and commercial crap that turns it into just another money-sucking tourist trap," Dib said, showing his first sign of interest in something outside his brooding.
"Okay, I admit I can see that," Steve admitted with a shrug, "Still, maybe you guys should go?"
"Just us?" Viera asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Hey, of the three of us, I'm purely a sci-fi guy," Steve replied, "I'd be totally out of my depth. You two would probably enjoy it."
"Maybe, but honestly I don't think there'll be anything there interesting enough to be worth the price of admission," Dib said, watching the report continue on the TV, Jeff Sheffy making his way through a convention hall that was already filling up with costumed fans.
"As you can see, fans are flocking here for the chance to mingle and share the experience of their favorite genre," the reporter was saying, "People have come from around the world for this rare opportunity to revel in the joy and wonder of fantasy-"
"Your movies suck, you cliched hacks!" a guy dressed like an ice demon standing next to the Battle of Crowns booth shouted across the hall at the Master of the Jewelry booth.
"Look who's talking! Your deconstructive crap doesn't even have a sensible plot in the later seasons!" someone dressed like a goblin shouted back.
"At least our show didn't make up new characters that didn't exist in the source material just to look more progressive!"
"No, you just cut a bunch of minor characters out and made other characters take their parts, regardless of characterization coherency!"
"Well, your special effects were terrible!"
"And you were full of plot holes!"
"And there's the other downside to conventions," Viera commented, watching the verbal fight unfold, "As bad as people fighting over their own fandoms can be, it's nowhere near as toxic as dueling fandoms can get."
"Er, moving on," Sheffy said, quickly exiting the main hall as arguing echoed behind him, "In addition to being able to interact with fellow fantasy fans — in all sorts of ways, apparently — attendees to the convention will also have an opportunity to see first screenings of upcoming material, be able to meet the actors and writers who brought their favorite franchises to life, and buy lots of merchandise."
"See? Money trap," Dib said, as Sheffy continued walking down the corridor he was in.
"And then, of course, there's what the convention organizers are calling the crown jewel of the event," Sheffy said, coming to a stop before a large, very secure-looking door, "Within this vault is a selection of collectable items, props, and other memorabilia tied to the history of several major fantasy franchises, some of which will be on public display for the very first time. To say that there's a lot of hype about this particular exhibit is an understatement."
As Sheffy was talking, an inset box appeared on the screen, cycling through images of what were probably several of the items inside the vault. Dib and the twins weren't really interested, none of them seeing anything worth getting worked up over… but just as Steve was about to finally give up and change the channel again, Viera caught sight of something, eyes widening in shock.
"Hold it!" she exclaimed, grabbing the remote out of her brother's hand before he could do anything. He and Dib both blinked in surprise at her actions, and followed her gaze to see what had grabbed her attention. What greeted them was the image of an old book, the cover made of some kind of leather, the image of a scowling face carved into it and surrounded by inlaid runes of some kind.
"You're getting worked up over some weird old book?" Steve asked, looking at his sister in confusion.
"That's not just any weird old book, that's the Ikiwikinomicon!"
"Ik-who-what-now?" Steve asked, while Dib's eyes widened in recognition.
"Wait, I've heard of that," he said, "It's an ancient Mesopotamian book of dark magic made out of human skin. I know they based those Unholy Undead movies on it, but… oh, do not tell me they used an actual spell book to make a movie!"
"That's always been the internet rumor," Viera said with a shrug, "I never really believed it myself, but seeing it now pretty much confirms it — that thing is definitely made from genuine human skin, not prop leather."
"And it's not creepy at all that you can tell that by sight alone," Steve snarked, earning a glare from Viera.
"So, to summarize, there's an ancient book of seriously dark magic about to go on display for thousands of frenzied genre fans — who, judging by what we just saw, all have hair-trigger tempers. That sounds like a dangerous situation we need to defuse," Dib decided.
"Is it? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Steve asked.
"Demonic zombie apocalypse summoned accidentally by someone reading from what they think is a prop book," Viera replied flatly.
"…Oh," Steve said, paling slightly, "Er, in that case, we'd better get down there. But how are we going to get same day tickets?"
"Let me handle that," Dib said, pulling out his phone, "Let's go."
With that, the three of them made their way out the door and started making their way downtown.
Vasquez Convention Center, Shortly After
Dib and the twins stood outside the security fence surrounding the Convention Center's property line. A huge crowd of people, most of them in costume, extended from the building's doors, forming a line on the other side of the outdoor security checkpoint that ran past the fence and clear down the block to snake around the corner out of sight.
"Damn, that's a lot of people," Viera noted, arching an eyebrow at Dib, "How'd you manage to get passes when it looks practically sold out?"
"Well, there's always passes being scalped for these things. And I may not flaunt it, but my family is pretty rich, so I could afford it," Dib replied with a shrug, before turning to Steve, "You sure you don't want me to get you one too? All three of us going in seems like the smarter move."
"Like I said, I'd stick out too much for this, and the key to any successful heist is blending in," Steve said, Viera giving him an incredulous look in response.
"Did you seriously just call this a 'heist'?" she asked.
"You're sneaking into a building to steal something. That's the textbook definition of a heist."
"I think you've watched too many movies."
"I think you haven't watched enough!"
"Okay, knock it off," Dib said, "We don't have time to argue over the semantics of this. Viera, you and I will go in to find and grab the book before it goes on display. Steve, you try and hack into the building's security system to help us out remotely… you can do that, right?"
"Well, I'm no expert hacker, but I know a few tricks," Steve replied with a shrug, holding up a laptop carrying case, "At the very least, I should be able to access the security cameras in order to keep tabs on things. You got a way for us to talk?"
"Right here," Dib said, holding up several ear buds and handing one to each of the twins, while keeping one for himself, "They're linked to a private network, so we shouldn't have to worry about picking up stray signals, or anyone else listening in on us."
"You know, on the subject of us blending in, don't you think we should have costumes?" Viera asked, gesturing to the crowd, "The people who aren't in costume stick out a lot more than the people who are."
"Good point," Dib muttered, looking around. Spotting a large tent taking up a vacant lot across the street, he arched an eyebrow, noting the large sign posted outside its entrance which read "Need Last Minute Costumes? All Stock Half-Price! Free Changing Rooms and Clothes Storage Included!"
"Well, that's convenient," he said, "Come on, we can grab some costumes there."
The twins nodded and followed along as Dib headed towards the tent. And as all three walked, they failed to notice the rather conspicuous sight of Zim peering over a fence a few blocks further down the street, peering at the Convention Center through binoculars protruding from Minimoose's body.
"Pft. What a pathetic gathering," he said, "Even human conventions are disgustingly inferior. Their security doesn't even have DNA scanners, and I bet their snacks don't even qualify as third-rate."
"Yeah, it sounds like it sucks," Skoodge commented from where Zim was using him as a footstool, "But remind me again why we're here?"
"Foolish Skoodge, always missing the obvious," Zim scoffed, "Large groups of humans are an excellent case study in their behavior. And the fanatical behavior these obsessive worm-babies display could be useful if we can learn to harness it for our own ends!"
"…You hit a block on the Big Plan and decided to look for something to distract yourself with, didn't you?"
"Silence!" Zim snapped, jumping off Skoodge's shoulders with enough force to send the chubbier Irken stumbling, and letting Minimoose float out of his grasp, "Zim's motives for any orders do not matter, merely that you obey them, understood?"
"Yeah, got it," Skoodge said, knowing there wasn't any point in arguing the point, "So, we just go in and check the place out?"
"Yes, we will blend in with the Earth-Monkeys and observe them like the animals they are," Zim said, before shrugging and adding, "And if we don't find anything useful, we'll just blow them all up for wasting our time."
Skoodge idly wondered for a moment if that last comment was Nyx's influence talking, or if Zim would have made that decision anyway. Deciding it was an even split, he ignored it in favor of a more pressing matter.
"How are we supposed to get in?" he asked, "I mean, it's ticketed, and the tickets sound pretty expensive."
"Ha! As if Zim would waste his monies on some primitive human gathering! I have a much more ingenious way of getting us passes to this smell-hole of a building," Zim announced… seconds before GIR, wearing his little boy disguise, suddenly popped out of nowhere, holding a group of costumed humans above his head, the lot of them bruised, slightly scorched, and unconscious.
"Delivery!" GIR said happily, while Zim smirked and snagged the guest badges each human was wearing around their necks.
"Aha! Victory for Zim!" Zim crowed, before waving dismissively at GIR, "Excellent work, GIR. Now dispose of these humans so they cannot tell anyone what they have witnessed."
"Okey-dokey! Bye-bye, new friends!" GIR said, before ripping up a manhole cover and shoving the humans into the hole, jumping on them a couple of times to shove them through all the way.
"…Er, couldn't we have just wiped their memories?" Skoodge asked.
"Meh, who cares? Let the sewer hobos deal with them," Zim said, putting on one of the badges and tossing the other two to Skoodge and GIR, "Put those on. Minimoose, you pretend to be a prop."
"Nyah!" Minimoose affirmed, deploying a string from his body, which Skoodge grabbed ahold of once he was done slipping on his badge. Zim, meanwhile, struggled to get GIR to wear his badge instead of trying to eat it, before finally grabbing him by the collar and dragging him towards the entry line, Skoodge following after him.
Some Time Later
Dib and Viera stood on line to get into the Convention Center, now in costume and blending in with the rest of the visitors. Wanting to keep a low profile and avoid getting dragged into any arguments like the one they'd seen on TV, they'd passed on fandom-specific costumes and gone for more general outfits. Dib was dressed as a wizard, wearing a rather stereotypical ensemble of a blue robe and matching pointy hat, and was also holding a wooden staff nearly as tall as he was. Viera, meanwhile, was dressed as a generic warrior woman, wearing a pleated faux-leather skirt and shortsleeved shirt, with bands of plastic armor glued to the clothing, and a plastic sword sheathed at her side.
"Finally," Viera muttered, as they made their way through the security checkpoint and were able to make their way into the building proper, "I think I've seen banks with less extensive security."
"Just be glad we're in," Dib said, as he reached up to tap his ear bud, "Steve, can you hear us?"
"Loud and clear," Steve replied, from where he was sitting in a coffee shop next door to the Convention Center, "I'm in the system, and can see you guys on the cameras."
"Really? That was fast," Viera commented, "You must be better at this hacking stuff than you thought."
"Actually, all I did was go onto the convention's website and log into the administrators' section," Steve admitted, "It didn't even ask for a password or ID, just one of those captcha challenges. I think they're operating on an honesty policy or something."
"Seriously? They just spent ten minutes patting down everyone trying to physically get into the building, but they don't even try when it comes to cyber security?" Dib asked, sighing at the sheer stupidity, "Never mind, let's count our blessings. Can you find the vault?"
"Already did, but there's a bunch of security officers guarding its hallway," Steve replied, "I'm looking for another way in, but that's going to take awhile."
"Great," Viera said dryly, "So what are we supposed to do until then?"
"I guess we just wander around and try to blend in," Dib said, "Actually, if anything that should make people pay less attention to us when we eventually go after the vault."
"Fair point," Viera admitted.
The pair looked around the main hall they had entered, crowds of costumed people milling about around them, either congregating in small groups to take pictures or engage in debates, stopping at various booths lining the hall, or walking off into side halls or other levels of the building. Sharing a look, the pair both shrugged and started walking in the general direction of the opposite end of the hall, no real destination in mind.
As they walked, they looked around, and noticed that the main booths for Battle of Crowns and Master of the Jewelry had been set up at directly opposite ends of the hall. And the crowds of guests mingling around said booths were still glaring at each other and occasionally flinging insults.
"Wow, they are really going at it," Dib commented, "I get being defensive of a show or movie you like, but these guys all look like they're about two minutes away from literally fighting over this."
"Would be just our luck if they did. It'd probably end up triggering a riot or something," Viera said, glancing at Dib, "Might have been a good idea to bring along your gauntlets, just in case."
"They would have stuck out too much. They wouldn't exactly pass as costume jewelry like your amulet," he replied, gesturing to where the Eye of Fire was still hanging around Viera's neck.
"True," Viera admitted, "Still, we should probably keep on guard, just in case. I have a bad feeling about this many people with short tempers stuck in the same place."
"Agreed," Dib said with a nod, gripping his prop staff reassuringly; worst came to worst, he could smack people in the head with it.
With that in mind, they continued walking through the crowds, paying attention to their surroundings, but at times failing to see anything through the throngs of people. As such, they didn't notice Zim's group on the other side of the hall, heading in the opposite direction.
"Ugh, I can feel my skin shriveling from the stink of all these humans crowded into one place," Zim grumbled, eying the crowds warily, while GIR walked beside him munching on a large pretzel he'd bought from a snack stand.
"Why would your skin shrivel from stink?" Skoodge asked from his spot slightly behind Zim, squinting an eye in confusion.
"Do not question Zim's use of metaphors!"
"Nyah!"
"Yes it was a metaphor, shut up!" Zim snapped. He then opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by some people walking past them.
"Nice lack of costumes, losers," a woman dressed like a harpy sneered.
"Yeah, who comes to a con without a costume?" a guy dressed like a lizardman scoffed.
"You dare insult Zim?! I'll feed you each other's kidneys!" Zim snarled, nearly deploying his PAK legs before Skoodge quickly grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him away.
"Zim, I don't think picking a fight is going to help us blend in here," he said, while Zim shook off his grip.
"Do not touch me," Zim growled in warning, before deciding to ignore what had just happened and moving on, "My patience is wearing thin. If we don't find something worthwhile soon, Zim is going to simply turn this stink-pile of a building into a crater!"
"Ooh, what's over there?" GIR chirped before Skoodge could say anything. The Irkens followed where he was pointing, finding that he was looking at a particularly long line snaking out of one of the side rooms, the people on it all chatting animatedly. Next to the room's door was a sign which read "Interview with Martin G.G. Richards, author of Battle of Crowns."
"Eh, is that all? They're meeting a writer?" Zim scoffed, "Still nothing worthwhile of my incredible Zim-time."
"Maybe we should go in anyway?" Skoodge suggested.
"Why?"
"Well, these humans all seem pretty dedicated to this guy. Fanatically obsessed, really," Skoodge replied, "If we observe his interactions with them, you might pick up some pointers for the whole Miz thing."
"Ha! As if Zim could learn anything worthwhile from a human! I'll go in there just to prove you wrong!" Zim proclaimed, marching off to join the line, Skoodge shrugging and following along with GIR and Minimoose trailing behind.
A few minutes later, most of which was spent on line with Zim scowling as the humans made backhanded comments about his lack of a ridiculous costume like theirs, the Irkens and robots managed to get into the room and grab some of the last seats available in the back of the room. While Minimoose settled on top of Skoodge's head and GIR stared absently at the back of the chair in front of him, Zim and Skoodge discreetly used their PAK legs to lift their chairs up enough to see over the heads of the people in front of them. From this vantage point, they could see the entire packed room, at the front of which was a small stage with a table on it, and behind it a curtain with the image of a dragon fighting a giant ice monster on it.
As Zim and Skoodge watched, a man in a suit came out from behind the curtain, introduced himself as the host for the interview, and then brought out the actual author. The Irkens flinched as the uproarious applause that greeted this nearly deafened them, but adjusted after a moment to properly take in the apparently much-celebrated author.
"Egh, he's fatter than you are," Zim commented in disgust, as the rather heavyset, grey-bearded man in glasses and a sweater-vest sat down at the table next to the host.
"I'd take offense at that, but it's true," Skoodge said, eyeing Richards try to settle into a too-small chair.
"Alrighty then, let's get this thing started with the most pressing question of all," the host said, "Martin, when is the next book coming out?"
"Well, I'll tell you, it's gonna be coming out soon," Richards replied, nodding sagely and eliciting a series of excited yells from the crowd.
"Not to split hairs, but can you be more specific?" the host asked, "You've been saying 'soon' for almost a decade now."
That got an angrier series of grumbles from the crowd, and Richards squirmed nervously for a moment.
"I know I say that a lot, but this time I really mean it!" he proclaimed, earning cheers from the crowd again.
"They get this worked up about a book?" Zim asked, squinting an eye in confusion.
"Now that's a really dedicated fanbase," Skoodge commented.
"Hmm, perhaps I should speak with this fat book man, and learn his secrets to controlling the mindless masses," Zim mused, as the crowd quieted down enough for the host to move on to the next question.
"So our next question involves a popular urban legend about your work," the host said, "For the record, can you confirm that you were inspired to write Battle of Crowns after a slice of fresh-out-of-the-oven pizza fell on your chest and burned you?"
"Er, I wouldn't say 'inspired', but being laid up in the hospital being treated for the burns did give me plenty of time to get started on that novel I always wanted to write," Richards said awkwardly.
"You heard it right here, folks, urban legend confirmed!" the host said, eliciting more cheers, "And we have an excellent surprise for you, Martin — the convention's organizers worked long and hard to do it, but we tracked down the very shirt you were wearing when you dropped the pizza!"
"What?" Richards blinked in utter confusion, "How did you…?"
"That's right, it's being stored in our Memorabilia Vault, and will be unveiled to public display along with the rest of the vault's contents during the main event later today!" the host stated, as the crowd cheered even more loudly, "And of course, all your fans will just dying to see you wear it one more time. Maybe it'll bring back some fond memories, eh?"
"…The only memories I get when I think of that thing are the pain of third-degree burns," Richards replied slowly, "Seriously, why would you even-?"
"Moving on!" the host said, either oblivious to Richards' discomfort or outright ignoring it, "Who are your top ten favorites among the 2,000 POV characters in your books?"
Things continued in that vein for the next half-hour, the host asking Richards a variety of banal and often idiotic questions, the audience's mood switching from excited to angry and back again seemingly at every question. By the time the interview was over, Richards was left looking more than a little disturbed, and the Irkens were bored out of their minds.
"Zim has changed his mind," Zim said as they walked out of the room with the rest of the happily chattering crowd, "It is now clear that that stink-pig is not controlling anyone, he's just pumping out his putrid imagination and these brain-dead imbeciles are lapping it up because they have nothing better to do!"
"Nyah!" Minimoose commented from where he was once again floating above Skoodge.
"That too!" Zim exclaimed, "Nothing we just wasted our time listening to can help me improve my technique as Miz. Not that it needs improving, mind you, it's perfect the way it is. I told you there was nothing worthwhile in there!"
Skoodge cringed, but chose not to try and defend himself, instead trying to think of a way to deflect the conversation onto another track.
"I wanna see the pizza shirt!" GIR suddenly said.
"GIR, be quiet," Zim snapped.
"No, I think he's onto something," Skoodge said quickly, an idea forming, "I mean, these people are so obsessed with this guy that they treat that shirt like some kind of holy relic. Maybe if we take it we can, I dunno, use it to control them?"
"Did you learn nothing from interacting with those UFO cult-monkeys?" Zim said flatly, "Humans with this sort of mindset are utterly useless as minions, they're too blinded by their obsessions, too easily set off… hmm."
"'Hmm', what?" Skoodge asked, noting the contemplative look on Zim's face.
"We've seen how aggressive such humans can get when angered. So why don't we anger these?" Zim replied, a wicked grin spreading across his face, "We destroy this filthy shirt they care about so much, it will enrage them, perhaps to the point of rioting and destroying all in their path!"
"Which will accomplish what, exactly?"
"Meh, destruction of human property is good enough a reason to do anything," Zim said with a shrug, "And if nothing else, it'll be a good test case for inspiring my new disciples towards large-scale violence at the drop of a shoe."
"I think you mean 'drop of a hat', but I get what you're saying," Skoodge said, "Not much of a plan, but it's worth doing. But, uh, where's this vault thing that that guy mentioned?"
"It's obviously somewhere in this building, we just have to find it. Which shouldn't be too hard, considering how pathetic human security measures are," Zim said, before turning to GIR, "GIR! Scan this building and find the vault!"
"Yes, my master!" GIR said with a salute. Eyes flashing red inside the fake head of his costume and narrowing in concentration, he began marching down the hallway, the Irkens and Minimoose following close behind him.
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Meanwhile, Dib and Viera had migrated out of the main hall into a side one, which solely contained merchandise booths. They were now meandering along the pathways between these booths, taking in everything they saw. Which wasn't much, as each booth contained the same sort of stuff — DVDs, books, comics, actions figures, and other such things — with only which franchise was on display differentiating them.
Oh, and there was one more thing all the booths had in common. Ridiculously high prices.
"Are you seriously charging 50 bucks for broomsticks?" Dib asked incredulously at the Perry Hotter booth.
"They're, like, perfect replicas of the ones in the movies," the blonde twenty-something woman manning the booth said without looking up from her phone.
"They're brooms!" Dib snapped, pointing at the rack of completely ordinary-looking brooms on the counter, "I could go into a hardware store and buy a dozen for the price of one here!"
"Yeah, but those wouldn't be authentic movie replicas," the woman replied.
"They're exactly the same! Who would pay this much for an everyday object they could get cheaper somewhere else?"
"People who think souvenir items are somehow better than the regular thing," Viera commented as she looked over the rest of the booth's merchandise, arching an eyebrow at some crystal balls, "Then again, occasionally there's something decent under all the garbage."
"You're actually going to waste money on one of those things?" Dib asked.
"Hey, good crystal is good crystal, and I can think of a bunch of uses I can find for it," she replied, holding up the ball to examine it more closely.
"And you're willing to pay $69.99 for it?" he asked, gesturing to the price tag stuck to the side of the ball.
"If it's worth it," she said, waving him off, "Go on, I'll catch up."
"Whatever, it's your money," Dib said with a shrug, walking towards the next set of booths.
"Your boyfriend's, like, kinda uptight," the woman manning the booth commented once Dib was out or earshot, still not looking up from her phone. Hearing this, Viera yelped and almost dropped the ball in shock.
"He, he is not my boyfriend," she said with a slight stammer and a noticeable blush, "Definitely not even close to it."
"Whatever," the woman said, total disinterest clear, "So, are you gonna buy that thing or not?"
Wanting very badly to pretend the last few moments hadn't happened, Viera quickly paid for the ball and walked off with it in a bag. By the time she caught up with Dib several aisles further down the hall, she'd managed to regain her composure. At least, she thought she did, but he seemed to pick up on something as she approached.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Yeah, fine," she said quickly. Seeing that he didn't look entirely convinced, and wanting to change the subject before it could even start, she tapped her ear bud, "Steve? You find that vault yet?"
"Still working on it," Steve replied, sounding a bit annoyed, "I'd probably have gotten it by now, but these blueprints make no sense."
"What do you mean?"
"It looks like the building was hollowed out with a whole bunch of rooms and hallways that can only be accessed from certain spots and don't seem to actually have any purpose, which means any of them could have been repurposed as a vault," Steve replied, "Seriously, it's like someone took a perfectly ordinary building and decided to turn it into, I dunno, some kind of supervillain lair or video game dungeon or something."
"Really? That's just stupid," Dib commented, before sighing and shaking his head, "Just keep looking. The building's not that big, relatively, the vault's gotta pop up somewhere."
"Copy that."
"…'Copy that'?" Viera repeated dryly, "You have really watched too many movies."
Steve's only response was to blow a raspberry, before cutting off communication.
"Great. So, back to just wandering around I guess," Dib muttered, feeling his frustration with the tediousness of the situation growing. Anything Viera might have said in response to that was cut off as a group of people dressed as various Master of the Jewelry characters walked by.
"…And they actually have the nerve to act like they're some grand epic?" a guy in armor was sneering, "At least our series was actually finished!"
"Yeah, and they pretend that all their world-building is such a big deal," a girl dressed like an elf scoffed, "T.J.J. Reynolds built a whole world, complete with entire mapped-out languages, all without slowing down the plot."
"Not to mention he didn't spend entire pages describing every single meal," a guy dressed like a dwarf added, "Seriously, do we really need to what everyone's eating down to the last condiment?"
As the group continued on, Dib and Viera watched them go, before exchanging a look.
"Jeez, these people never quit, do they?" she asked, "You'd think they'd be focusing on stuff they like, instead of wasting time complaining about stuff they don't."
"I guess some people just aren't happy unless they have something to moan about," Dib replied, before frowning and checking his watch, "Though on the subject of that last thing they brought up, you want to get something to eat? I mean, we have the time, apparently."
"Might as well," Viera said with a shrug. The two then walked off in search of someplace to eat, soon finding themselves directed to a food court in the basement.
"20 dollars for a personal pizza? Why is everything here so overpriced?" Dib groaned, looking over the array of hot foods for sale.
"Hey, you said it yourself, this place is a glorified tourist trap," Viera said, grabbing a couple of 10 dollar hot dogs, "That means getting people to pay through the nose for pretty much everything."
"Yeah, but it doesn't mean I have to like it," Dib said, shaking his head as he took one of the pizzas and the pair made their way towards the checkout.
"Er, you're paying for us both, right?" Viera asked with an awkward smile as they approached the cashier.
"Wait, what?" Dib asked, blinking dumbly for a moment and then staring at her in disbelief.
"I spent most of my cash on this!" she said defensively, holding up the bag containing her crystal ball.
"I told you not to waste your money on that thing," Dib grumbled, before shaking his head, "Fine, but only because I have enough to cover it."
"Thanks. Promise I'll pay you back," Viera said, walking off with her food while Dib stayed behind to pay.
"I'm too nice for my own good," Dib sighed as he paid.
"Word of advice, dude, don't come to these events if you're gonna be a cheap date," the guy manning the cashier stated, which caused Dib to rear back, blushing.
"Wha- this is not a date!" he exclaimed.
"If you say so. Please move on," the cashier said as he waved Dib on, clearly not interested in having a conversation.
"Seriously, why do people keep thinking we're a couple?" Dib muttered as he walked away, managing to shrug off the embarrassment by the time he joined Viera at a nearby table.
The two of them sat there eating their lunches in an amiable silence for a few minutes, when Steve suddenly spoke up over the comms again.
"Hey guys, good news," he said excitedly, "I finally found the Vault. It's in a subbasement below the floor you're on right now."
"Finally," Viera said, tossing her garbage in the nearest trashcan, "What about security?"
"Looks like a few guards in the hallway outside the only door," Steve explained, "Still trying to get a look at the interior stuff. Surprisingly, that's a lot more heavily encoded than the rest of the system."
"Keep working on that, we'll head for the Vault," Dib said, absently tossing out his garbage as he and Viera stood up, "How do we get to the subbasement?"
"Head to the far end of the floor you're on now," Steve said, "There's a stairway that only heads down to the subbasement. It's locked electronically, but I can hack past that and open it up for you."
"Got it."
Dib and Viera made their way discretely towards the far side of the floor, and as Steve said, there was a door there with a security panel over its handle. As they approached, the light on the panel flashed from red to green, and as expected the door opened without resistance when Dib pulled on the handle. The pair then made their way down the stairway on the other side, pausing as they reached the other door at the bottom. Carefully cracking that one open and peering through, they were greeted by the sight of an empty hallway, which they slowly emerged into.
"Okay, the Vault is down the hall to your right, and around the next corner," Steve said, "Looks like there's only two guards, but, uh, I really wouldn't take my chances with them if I were you."
Dib and Viera exchanged glances, arching eyebrows at that comment. Creeping towards the relevant corner, they paused and discretely peeked around it. They easily spotted the door to the Vault, a massive floor-to-ceiling thing which looked like it belonged in a bank, not a convention center. Oh, and it was flanked by two burly men in security uniforms who looked like professional wrestlers.
"Yep, we're definitely not messing with that," Dib said flatly, he and Viera pulling back, "There another way in there?"
"Actually, yeah. You see that grate on the wall behind you?" Steve asked in response, "It covers an air-duct that leads right into the Vault."
"Seriously?" Viera asked in utter disbelief, "They build some kind of super high tech door to block this place off, and then just leave a way to directly bypass it?"
"Like I said, the design of this place makes no sense," Steve replied, a shrug audible in his voice, "And there's definitely interior security measures in the Vault itself, so be careful once you're in there."
"Got it," Dib said, as he set aside his prop staff in order to work at pulling the grate free, Viera putting down her souvenir ball to help.
Being careful to be as quiet as possible so as to not alert the guards, Dib and Viera managed to pry the grate out of place and set it aside on the floor. Dib then climbed up into the duct and started crawling through it, Viera following after, and a few moments later reached the other end of the duct, which was covered with another grate. Dib shifted around to reposition himself, and then kicked the other grate free.
Peering out of the now open duct, Dib arched an eyebrow as he took in the view. The interior of the Vault was a spartan space the size of a ballroom, lit by floodlights placed on the upper portions of the walls and by slightly glowing panels lining the entirety of the floor, except for strips about two feet wide stretching out from the base of the walls. And scattered throughout the room was a series of plinths topped by glass cases, presumably the containers of the various pieces of memorabilia.
"Huh, this is almost impressive," Dib commented, as he carefully dropped out of the duct to land on the narrow space between the wall and the illuminated portion of the floor. He had the distinct feeling that that those panels were more than a design choice.
"Seems a little melodramatic to me, but whatever," Viera said with a shrug, before dropping out of the duct as well, Dib catching her to help keep her from landing on the panels. However, in the process of doing so, she accidentally knocked off his wizard's hat, which fluttered through the air to land on one of the panels, which immediately emitted a loud buzzing sound and flashed to a worrying shade of red.
ZAP
ZAP
ZAP
And then several lasers shot out of nowhere, slamming into the panel the hat had landed on. Dib and Viera yelped in surprise and jump backwards, pressing against the wall as the lasers continued firing until the hat was completely vaporized.
"What just happened?" Steve asked urgently, "The system just lit up like a fireworks display! Are you guys alright?"
"Yeah, we're good," Dib replied, after his heart stopped pounding in shock, "It just turns out that the security in this place is pretty, uh, intense."
"Psychotic is probably a better word for it," Viera commented, allowing her breathing to return to normal. Then she noticed something that quickly caught her full attention.
"Um, you can probably put me down now," she said, blushing lightly. Dib blinked in response, and then blushed as well as he noticed he was still carrying Viera bridal style from where he'd caught her.
"Oh, er, right. Sorry," he said, quickly but carefully setting her down on her feet on the safe portion of the floor. The two then stood there for a moment, awkwardly avoiding looking at each other, before Dib managed to regain his composure.
"Steve, can you shut down the security systems so we can get through here in one piece?" he asked.
"I'm trying, but it looks like it's the one part of their whole system they took seriously," Steve said, "I think I can work around it, though. Looks like there's a protocol built into that creates a potential safe path. And I say 'potential' because it looks like it's specifically designed to make a challenge out of it."
"You weren't kidding before, this does sound like a video game," Viera commented, "Gaz would probably have the time of her life in here."
"Yeah, but unfortunately it sounds like our only choice," Dib said, "Steve, go ahead and switch this thing on."
"Got it. Activating ridiculous security bypass protocol now," Steve replied dryly. A few seconds later, most of the floor panels turned red, except for roughly a quarter which turned green. The latter were spaced out enough that crossing from any one point of the room to another by hopping between them would be possible, if difficult.
"So, hop between those panels to get where we need to go, and be careful not to land on the red ones," Dib noted, "Looks easy enough. You see where the book is?"
"Not from here. It must be on the other side of the room," Viera said, "I'll take the right, you take the left?"
"Sounds good. Yell if you spot it," Dib said. Viera nodded in agreement, and then the two set off, hopping onto the nearest panels and starting the process of carefully hopping their way across the room.
XXXXXXX
At the same time that Dib and Viera were making their way into and through the Vault, Zim's group emerged into the subbasement out of another stairway. GIR was skipping along, humming happily, while Zim's face was set in a scowl, and Skoodge was glancing nervously between the two.
Minimoose, as always, was neutrally serene.
"GIR, you've led us all over this wretched building," Zim growled, "Where is this flirking vault already?!"
"The whaaaat?" GIR asked, drawing out the question in a singsong tone that brought the Irkens up short.
"Uh, GIR? You do remember what we're looking for, right?" Skoodge asked, taking an instinctive step away from Zim, whose eye was starting to twitch.
"The leprechaun's pot of gold!" GIR responded cheerfully, confirming the Irkens' suspicions.
"…" Zim stared at GIR for a few moments, scowl deepening, before he snarled and kicked GIR hard enough to send him flying flying down the hallway with an excited cheer.
"Gah! This was a total waste of time!" Zim growled, grinding his teeth in fury before turning to glare at Skoodge, "Why did I let you talk me into this?!"
"Well, I mean technically I didn't-"
"Silence! Zim does not want to hear excuses, or-!"
"Hey! You're all not supposed to be down here!"
Zim paused in his screaming at Skoodge, confused at the sudden sound of another voice. Turning to its source, he was greeted by the sight of the two burly security guards that Dib and Viera had spotted earlier, the Vault's door visible a few feet behind them.
"Hey look, we found it," Skoodge said, scratching his head in mild confusion, "You'd think we would have noticed that sooner."
"Did you not hear me?" one of the guards said, while holding up GIR by the collar, "This is an off-limits area. You all need to leave right now."
"You dare give orders to Zim, overly-muscular human?" Zim sneered up at the guard.
"Yeah, we do," the other guard replied, "Now get outta here and back up to the actual convention, or we'll drag you out of the building altogether."
The Irkens both squinted eyes at the guards in response, before exchanging looks.
"Much as it would amuse Zim to watch your pitiful attempts to do so, I have no time for this," he said, "Minimoose, dispose of these humans."
"Nyah!" Minimoose responded, floating forward to hover in front of the guards, neither of whom looked impressed.
"Heh, what's that little thing gonna do to us?" one of them snorted dismissively.
"I dunno, maybe rub against our heads until we give up?" the other one replied, both of them chuckling. And thus oblivious to how Minimoose's eyes narrowed at the dismissal.
"Nyah!" Minimoose squeaked angrily, as his body began glowing with energy, which quickly spread to the two guards, lifting them into the air.
"What the?!" the guard holding GIR exclaimed as he and his partner started levitating, dropping GIR as he did so.
"Ooh, you made Moose mad," GIR commented, "Now you's gonna get 'sploded!"
"Nyah!" Minimoose corrected him. He then proceeded to slam the guards into each other, then pulled them apart to slam into opposite walls, and then back again. He proceeded to repeat this process several times before tossing them into the ceiling and finally slamming them down onto the floor. Then he hit them with an energy blast that sent them flying down the hallway to land in a smoking heap.
"Wow," Skoodge said after a moment of quietly taking in the sight of all this, "Remind me to stay on his good side."
"Yes, truly he is my greatest invention," Zim said with genuine pride, while Minimoose squeaked happily and floated over to rub affectionately against Zim's head. Zim actually allowed this for nearly a minute before lightly shoving Minimoose away and saying, "But enough of that. The Vault and the smelly shirt await! Skoodge, open the Vault!"
"Yes sir," Skoodge replied with a salute. He then walked over to the Vault door and grabbed its huge handle-
ZAAAAPPPP!
-and was promptly sent flying into the opposite wall by a massive electrical shock. Zim blinked at that, looking between the slightly scorched Skoodge and the door.
"Hmm, the humans were slightly better at arranging their security measures than I gave them credit for," he mused, before shrugging, "But no matter! Zim easily overcame the security on their stair doors, I can do it here as well!"
With that, Zim marched up to a security panel on the wall next to the door, the design of which indicated a need for a six digit code. Narrowing his eyes and staring at it intently for a few minutes, trying to determine if any of the buttons were more worn down than the others. Not seeing any sign of that, he finally decided to just enter a random selection of numbers and see what happened.
And what happened was the panel flashing red, a buzzing alarm sounding, and a panel opening in the wall above it. Zim looked at that in confusion, then yelped and jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being smashed as a giant metal mallet popping out of the opening, smashing into the spot where he'd just been standing, with enough force to leave a sizable hole in the floor.
"…Perhaps Zim is underestimating things slightly," Zim said in a slight daze, before shaking it off and glaring at the Vault door, "But Zim will not be defeated by inferior human technology!"
With a growl, Zim ripped the panel off the wall and started messing around with the exposed wires with grumbled swears, while behind him, GIR pulled a weenie on a stick out of somewhere and was roasting it over one of the smoldering patches on the semi-conscious Skoodge's shirt.
XXXXXXX
Meanwhile, back inside the Vault, Dib and Viera were still carefully making their way through the room. Slowly, they would hop from one panel to another until they neared a display case, look at it long enough to see whether or not it had what they were looking for, then move on. This methodical approach allowed them to cover most of the room relatively quickly, but still with no sign of the Ikiwikinomicon in sight.
As Dib reached the end of the hall and saw nothing more noticeably than an old shirt covered in some disturbingly red stains, he started to worry that maybe someone had already moved the book, when Viera whistled sharply. Looking towards her, he saw her gesturing excitedly to join her. Nodding in response, he started hopping across safe panels in her direction, soon landing on one a few feet away. Turning to where she was looking, he was greeted by the sight of the book in question, inside a glass display case and mounted in such a way that it looked like it was staring right at them.
"Well, that's even creepier in person," Dib commented.
"No argument from me," Viera said, "Now, how do we get it out of here without triggering what I'm sure is an overly-excessive and potentially deadly countermeasure?"
"Steve, there any security measures tied into the display case, or can we just smash it?" Dib asked.
"Been checking it out, but it doesn't look like it," Steve replied, "It's probably safe to- whoa!"
"What? What is it?" Viera asked, startled by the sudden panic in her brother's voice.
"The system just lit up with alerts," he said, "Looks like someone's trying to force their way into the Vault through the door. Checking the security cameras now… oh, you've gotta be kidding me."
Dib and Viera blinked as Steve's tone suddenly shifted from worried to deadpan. However, before either of them could question it, there was a sudden explosion behind them. Spinning around to face the source of it, they were greeted by the sight of a column of smoke, which quickly dispersed to reveal a hole in the Vault's door, the edges of it still glowing a faint red.
"Victory for Zim! No pathetic human security systems can keep me from what I desire!"
"But you didn't beat the lock, you just blew up the door."
"Silence! We can get in, that's all that matters!"
"Oh, come on, really?" Dib groaned as Zim and Skoodge emerged from the last remnants of the smoke, passing through the new hole in the door to enter the Vault. Zim stood proudly with his hands planted on his hips, triumphant smirk on his face as his eyes swept over the room, but that faded into disbelief as his gaze fell on Dib and Viera.
"Dib-Stink! Girl Not-Dib! What are you doing here?!" he exclaimed in startled anger, before trailing off into confusion, "And why are you both dressed like that?"
"It's a fantasy convention, how else were we supposed to blend in?" Viera asked, while grabbing her amulet and aiming it at the Irkens.
"Why does everyone care about these stupid costumes so much?" Zim growled in annoyance, before shaking his head determinedly, "Never mind, it does not matter! You will not stop me from claiming that fat writer human's shirt!"
"Seriously, that's what you're here for?" Dib asked, glancing at the shirt he had noticed earlier.
"Yes, Zim will destroy it and incite a riot among the obsessive filth monkeys to cause random destruction to this disgusting city!" Zim proclaimed.
The humans stared at him incredulously for several moments, exchanging glances before looking back to him.
"…Is that it?" Dib finally asked, "That seems lazy by your standards."
"Yeah. I mean, I haven't known you as long as Dib has, but you always struck me as more of a large-scale kind of guy than that," Viera added.
"Well, we do have some bigger-scale stuff cooking, he just hit a block on it," Skoodge commented, earning him a backhand from Zim.
"Do not tell them that!" he snapped, before turning back to the humans, "And you think you're so clever? Then what are you doing here?"
"None of your business," Dib replied, wishing that he'd brought his gauntlets after all.
"You dare to not answer Zim's questions?" Zim growled, stepping forward… and setting foot on one of the red-lit floor panels, which buzzed as it was triggered.
"Eh? AH!" Zim yelped, jumping out of the way as several lasers fired at the spot where he'd just been standing.
"Well, there's an upside to this situation," Viera noted, as the Irkens started eyeing the floor warily, "At least this stupid security system will keep them at bay for a few minutes."
"Hey Steve, any chance you can do better with that?" Dib asked.
"Way ahead of you. And voila!" Steve replied, just before the entire half of the floor closest to the door and the Irkens flashed back to the default setting it had been on when they'd first entered the room, "There, that should buy you a little time to figure out what you're going to do next."
"I don't know how you did that, but it won't save you, Dib-Monkey!" Zim called from the doorway, "GIR! Figure out a safe way through this laser maze!"
"Yes sir!" GIR said with a salute, leaping forward to land on one of the floor panels, jumping out of the way as several lasers fired. He continued to hop from panel to panel, staying just ahead of the lasers, for the next several minutes. At which point it became clear that rather than trying to find a safe path, he was making a game out of it.
"GIR! Stop playing around and take this seriously!" Zim demanded, "We must find a way across this room!"
"Nyah!"
Minimoose's squeak caught everyone's attention, and they all turned to see him casually floating across the room, well above the floor and therefore not being targeted by the lasers.
"Huh, you'd think we'd have thought of that sooner," Skoodge commented, while Zim smirked as he watched his minion advance.
"Ah, crap," Dib said, as he watched Minimoose approach. Viera, meanwhile, took a more proactive approach, launching several fire balls at the purple moose. However, he easily dodged each attack and kept coming, energy starting to build up around his antlers for an attack of his own…
And that was when every light in the room switched off. As everyone found themselves blinking in the resulting darkness, even the lasers having ceased firing, there was a loud rumbling sound from above, where a new light suddenly began emanating. Looking towards it, the humans and Irkens were greeted by the sight of the ceiling to the Vault sliding open, light streaming down from above via several openings in what appeared to be a secondary layer of ceiling. And before they could process this, the room started shaking.
"Now what?" Dib exclaimed, nearly being knocked off his feet by the shaking and bracing himself against one of the display cases.
"Steve, what's happening?" Viera asked, likewise almost falling over but managing to just barely keep hold of her balance.
"Oh, I don't believe this!" Steve exclaimed, "It looks like the entire is built like a giant elevator! It's lifting everything up to the main hall so that everything can dramatically rise through the floor!"
"That is just… wait a minute," Dib said, looking around at the walls — which now seemed to be sliding by as the floor started to ascend — and then up at the holes in the ceiling, then paled as he connected the dots, "Crap! There's only room for the display cases! We'll be crushed!"
Everyone else's eyes widened as they suddenly likewise grasped the situation, panic gripping them. Yelping, Zim spun around to see that the hole he'd blown into the door was already half covered by the rising floor. Without hesitance or a second glance towards his minions, he leapt through the remaining space to crash back into the hallway. Skoodge followed after him, scrambling to squeeze through the narrowing space, and getting a helpful push by GIR, who jumped in to shove him through. Minimoose then brought up the rear, floating back across the room at a faster pace than normal and managing to squeeze through just before the hole was cut off completely.
Meanwhile, Dib and Viera had likewise bolted across the room back towards the vent they'd entered through. Thanks to it now being much closer to the rising floor, they were both able to jump into it in time to avoid being cut off by the floor moving past the vent's opening. Taking only a moment to catch their breath after the near miss, they crawled the rest of the way through the vent, dropping out back into the hallway.
"Well, that was a total waste of time," Dib groaned, leaning against the wall as the sudden adrenaline rush died down, "Now the book's up there, surrounded by people who think it's just a prop and might end up misusing it. We might as well have not come down here at all!"
"Get a grip," Viera said, reaching down to help pull him to his feet, "We may have lost the chance to grab the book before anyone could see it, but we can still keep an eye on it and keep anyone from being stupid enough to try and use it. Then we can try again to grab it when the show's over."
"Right, you're right," Dib said, nodding in agreement as he stood up, "We've been through worse than all this nonsense. This is nothing. Let's go-"
"Ahh!" Zim yelled as he suddenly burst out from around a corner, Dib just barely managing to dodge a slash from Zim's PAK legs.
"Seriously?" Viera asked, as the rest of Zim's group emerged into view, "We don't even care that you're after that stupid shirt!"
"Zim takes his victories where he can get them, Not-Dib," Zim replied with a casual shrug.
"Well take this, Space-Jerk," Dib spat, grabbing his prop staff from where he'd dropped it earlier and swinging it at Zim, who dodged out of the way. Skoodge, who was standing behind him, was less fortunate and took the blow straight to the face, knocking him out before he even landed on his back.
"Ha! Missed!" Zim crowed.
CRACK
Then he fell over, eyes glazed and grin still plastered on his face, to reveal Viera had come up behind him and hit him over the head with the bag holding her crystal ball, which was clutched in her hand like a cudgel.
"See?" she said to Dib with a smirk, "Plenty of uses for good crystal."
"Okay, yeah, you told me so," Dib said with an eye roll, but still smiling, "Now let's get back upstairs before anything else goes wrong."
With that said, the pair ran for the stairs, leaving the two unconscious Irkens behind, GIR poking out them while Minimoose floated aimlessly above them. And within a few minutes, they were back on the main level.
"Okay, looks like everyone's gathered in the main hall for the big presentation," Steve said, "With any luck everyone will be distracted by the rest of the memorabilia and won't make too big a fuss over the book. Other than that, I don't see how you can grab it without being spotted."
"We'll figure it out," Dib said, as the sounds of a cheering crowd started reaching them.
Emerging out of a side hallway, they found themselves at the rear of what appeared to be a crowd composed of every single person at the convention. Looking over their heads showed that they had all gathered around a roped-off clear space in the middle of the room. Or at least, it apparently had been clear beforehand. Now though, all the display cases from the Vault had risen up, and everyone was surging forward to try and get a good look at it all.
"Settle down, folks," the convention MC said, standing on a raised stage positioned right next to the roped-off section, "I know you're all excited, and I don't blame you. We've got the very typewriters and pens that wrote your favorite books. We've got props from your favorite movies and shows. We've even got the guns that several celebrated writers committed suicide with!"
"Why in the world would you have those?" Martin Richards asked from where he was seated next to the MC, "And why would you have them on display here? Isn't that a little morbid?"
"And of course, our central showpiece!" the MC continued, ignoring Richards' comment, "The very fabled shirt without which Battle of Crowns would have never existed!"
"And what a shame that would have been," someone loudly cut in from where a large group of people in Master of the Jewelry cosplay were gathered, a sneer audible in their voice.
"Shut up! No one cares what you hacks think!" someone else shouted from where the Battle of Crowns fans had congregated.
"As I was saying!" the MC said quickly, interrupting the budding fight, "Not only do we have the shirt, but Mr. Richards has agreed to wear it for us!"
"I never agreed to that!" Richards protested.
"You should really read the fine print on those appearance contracts, Martin," the MC chuckled condescendingly, "Now, let's get it on you."
"What does it say about our culture that people get this excited about a writer putting on a dirty old shirt?" Viera asked with mild disgust as Richards' further protests were drowned out by his fans' uproarious yells.
"Try not to think about it too much," Dib replied, watching as Richards reluctantly got up from his seat and followed the MC towards the display case holding his old shirt, "Still, if they're getting all riled up about it, maybe we can use the distraction to grab the book?"
ZAP
Before Viera could even open her mouth to try and reply, a laser blast flew through the air over their heads and hit the display case holding the shirt, shattering the glass and incinerating the article of clothing, Richards and the MC rearing back in surprise as the laser barely avoided hitting them. As the crowd gasped in shock, Dib and Viera's eyes widened, and they spun around to face where the laser had come from, finding Zim leaning out from behind a booth, smirking as a smoking spider leg retracted back into his PAK.
"Ah, crap," Dib and Viera said at the same time, as outraged yells emerged from the Battle of Crowns crowd.
"You! You people did this!" someone dressed in a full body suit of knightly armor practically snarled at the Master of the Jewelry crowd, emerging to point dramatically at them.
"What? Why would we?" a guy dressed as an elf in a suit of lighter armor countered with a sneer, "What makes you think we care about your crummy shirt?"
"Because it was a great cultural icon for us, and you were jealous you didn't have anything like it, so you wanted to spite us!" the knight declared, his crowd shouting in solidarity with him.
"Oh yeah? Well maybe you losers realized what a pathetic display that thing was, so you destroyed it yourselves and now you're trying to frame us for it!" the elf guy replied, his crowd likewise backing him up.
"How dare you, you cliched hacks?!"
"Deconstructive nonsense lovers!"
"Flat characterizations!"
"Too dark for the genre!"
"Too academic!"
"Badly written!"
The two apparent spokespeople for their respective groups had been steadily getting closer to each other as they exchanged insults. But that final one appeared to be the last straw, and the knight lashed out with a punch that connected with the elf's face, knocking him flat. There was a moment of stunned silence after that, then with roars of outrage, several of the elf's comrades tackled the knight, whose own crowd charged in retaliation.
Dib and Viera could only watch as the two sides quickly devolved into a full-blown riot, the rest of the crowd rapidly getting swallowed up by it. The two of them quickly backpedaled to get out of the way, only to almost literally bump into Zim's group as they came up behind them.
"Behold Zim's victory, Dib-Stink and Not-Dib!" he crowed.
"Seriously, this is all you've got, causing this mess?" Dib asked, giving his nemesis a deadpan glare, "This is just sad."
"Yeah, this barely qualifies as Saturday morning cartoon villainy," Viera added.
"Silence! Who cares what you think?! Zim made this happen and that's all that matters!" Zim screeched, "And furthermore, I-"
"Uh, is that thing supposed to be doing that?" Skoodge interrupted. Everyone followed his pointing finger, and were greeted by the sight of the Ikiwikinomicon, which had started to glow with a pulsing red light from its inlaid runes.
"Oh no," Viera said, paling, "It's feeding on the chaos of this stupid riot and waking up!"
"Exactly as Zim planned!" Zim exclaimed.
"What are you talking about, you don't even know what that is!" Dib snapped, "Are you just instinctively taking credit for anything terrible that happens?"
Before Zim could either confirm or deny that, the face carved into the Ikiwikinomicon's cover twisted into a snarl, before its mouth split open and a high-pitched shriek rang out. As everyone flinched and buckled under the intense sound, the book flipped open, the symbols running along its pages glowing brightly, the glow soon coalescing into a swirling vortex, out of which shot bolts of energy glowing the same color. These arcane lightning bolts rained down on the rioting crowd, which had somehow blocked out the shriek to keep up the fighting.
Dib, Viera, and the Irkens could only watch as everyone hit by one of the arcane blasts froze in place and started glowing with the same light as the book, so intensely that they each became blocked from view for several moments. And when they eventually became visible again, it made for a shocking sight. Everyone who had been zapped by the energy had twisted into hideously deformed monstrosities — their skin looked decayed, their eyes were bulging and red, and they had ragged claws and mouths full of fangs.
There was a brief moment of stunned silence, and then the mutated people turned and attacked those who had avoided being transformed. And the number of people in that latter category was rapidly diminishing, as the book continued to rain down mystical energy; oddly, this bunch seemed more inclined to be transformed into twisted versions of their costumes than the undead that the first group had become.
"We need to stop that thing before this spreads any farther!" Dib shouted, watching everything in shock.
"I have an idea, but we need to get closer," Viera said.
"Then let's go," Dib said, the pair jumping into the fray. The Irkens watched them go, weaving their way through the crowd of panicked people and the newly-formed monsters attacking them, until they both disappeared from sight.
"So, should we get involved?" Skoodge asked, watching the situation in front of him warily.
"Tch, I'm sure Dib and his little friend will handle this in no time," Zim scoffed, "In the meantime, Zim intends to enjoy watching some humans suffering. Heh, perhaps I can even bend some of these creatures to my mighty will."
Just as Zim said this, a guy in a dragon costume ran past, only to be zapped in the back by a magic bolt. Seconds later, he had transformed into an actual eight-foot-tall dragon, albeit one that looked zombified. Looming over the Irkens, it snarled and unleashed a blast of reddish-purple flames before running off.
As the smoke cleared from the sudden attack, Skoodge was greeted by the sight of a scorched Zim, parts of his uniform and wig still burning. The renegade Invader, looking rather stunned, coughed up a bit of ash and then fell over.
"Master smells like BBQ!" GIR said happily.
"Uh, Zim? Stupid question, but are you alright?" Skoodge asked.
"…Zim has decided that a tactical withdrawal is in order," Zim responded weakly, "Minimoose, get me out of here."
"Nyah!" Minimoose responded, before levitating Zim up and floating away with him, Skoodge grabbing GIR and following after them.
Meanwhile, Dib and Viera had managed to make it partway through the now chaotic crowd before the transformed people took notice of them. With snarls and roars, the various monsters attempted to attack them, only to be knocked by swings of Dib's staff or fireballs from Viera's amulet. Eventually reaching the stage, they jumped up on it, knocking aside the few monsters that followed them, the rest seeming to lose interest once they were out of reach.
"This is a disaster!" a voice drew their attention to where the MC and Martin Richards were cowering behind their seats, the former having been the one to speak, "We're liable for this!"
"That's what you're worried about?" Richards demanded incredulously.
"Do you know how much we're going to have to pay the Convention Center's owners for damages?!" the MC demanded. Looking around, the man spotted and picked up a prop sword someone had dropped, and shoved it into Richards' hands.
"Here, go fight them off!"
"What?!"
"A famous fantasy writer leading the charge against a bunch of psychotic cosplayers? People will pay through the nose for that footage!" the MC exclaimed manically.
"…" Richards gave the MC a deadpan stare for a few moments, before pointing behind him, "Hey, what's that?"
"What's wh-AAAHHH!" the MC said as he turned around, only for Richards to suddenly grab him and toss him into the crowd, the monsters quickly descending on him.
"Well, that was satisfying," Richards said, before turning to the surprised Dib and Viera, "You kids do what you want, I'm gonna go sneak out the back."
Dib and Viera watched the writer run off away from the chaos, before turning to each other with arched eyebrows.
"Well, that happened," Dib said after a moment, before shaking it off, "So, what do we need to do?"
"From what I've read, the Ikiwikinomicon is invulnerable from external harm, so we need to destroy it from inside," Viera replied.
"And you have an idea on how to do that?"
"Yep. I charge this thing up with concentrated fire energy and toss it into the book's vortex," Viera said, holding up the crystal ball she'd bought earlier.
"…You're going to say 'I told you so' about buying that, aren't you?" Dib asked dryly.
"Nope, I'll just let you think about it," Viera said with a playful smirk, before growing serious again, "Think you can keep these freaks off my back long enough for me to do this?"
Before Dib could respond, several of the mutated undead leapt into the air towards the stage… and were promptly blasted out of the air. Blinking, Dib and Viera turned and saw Steve standing nearby, blasters in both hands. Noting their surprised looks, he shrugged.
"With everything going to hell in here, being mission control didn't seem as important anymore," he said, tossing Dib one of his weapons, "We'll cover you, sis. You handle the rest."
Viera nodded and sat crosslegged with the crystal and her amulet clasped together in her hands. As she started chanting inaudibly, both objects beginning to glow in response, the boys turned back to the crowd, which appeared to have almost completely been transformed. Perhaps acting on instinct, the monsters noticed the apparently only normal humans left in the hall and charged the stage they were on, only to be held back by a barrage of plasma bolts.
"Should we be feeling guilty about this?" Steve asked, while casually shooting a bat-man out of the air.
"Nah, it looks like we're only stunning them, not seriously hurting them," Dib replied, knocking a zombie woman to the floor, only for her to get back up, "But I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. Viera, could you pick up the pace maybe?!"
"Don't rush me, we only have one chance at this!" Viera shouted back, focus staying entirely on her hands, where fiery red energy was pouring from her amulet into the crystal ball, until the latter was practically a miniature spotlight, "Alright, it's charged. Dib, batter up!"
Dib blinked in confusion for a moment, before he realized what she meant. Tossing his blaster back to Steve, he picked his phony staff back up and held it like a baseball bat. Viera then hefted the crystal ball and threw it at him, Dib smacking the staff into it as hard as he could.
As both had hoped, the crystal went flying through the air straight towards where the Ikiwikinomicon was floating, slamming right into the middle of it. The ball sank halfway into the vortex, sparking with energy as cracks spread across it, while the book shook heavily before slamming shut, revealing that the face carved into its cover now looked extremely confused. Then it twisted in pain, unleashing another shriek before the book suddenly exploded, unleashing a purple wave that washed over the hall, sending everyone flying.
When Steve regained his senses a few minutes later, he found himself lying on the floor next to the stage, having been knocked off it by the blast. Looking around, he saw to his immense relief that the convention attendees had all apparently been returned to normal by the book's destruction, the lot of them now lying sprawled around the hall in confused masses.
Then he looked over and saw that Dib and Viera had someone landed in such a way as to have ended up in a tangled sprawl. Which was hilarious, for reasons he couldn't quite put his finger on.
"You guys alright?" he asked, trying to keep his amusement out of his voice as he watched the pair struggle for a few moments to untangle themselves.
"Yeah, we're good," Dib said once the two of them managed to get back to their feet.
"A little sore, but probably better off than everyone else here," Viera said, surveying the scene, before flashing a smile at Dib, "Nice job with that swing."
"Oh, thanks. Uh, just lucky I guess," he replied, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head, before pausing and looking around, "And speaking of luck, knowing mine, we should probably get out of here before we're blamed for this mess."
The twins took a minute to consider that, looking around at all the booths and displays that had been damaged by either the riot or the rampaging monsters — not to mention the small, smoldering crater on the floor under where the Ikiwikinomicon had been floating — and quickly nodded in agreement. The trio made a quick beeline for the nearest exit, and slipped away down the street.
"You know, aside from the riot and mini-apocalypse, this was almost fun," Viera commented, "I might actually reconsider my opinion on conventions."
"Yeah, but let's not make it a habit," Steve said, "We do kinda have more important stuff to worry about."
"Agreed," Dib said, "Now let's return these costumes, get our normal clothes back, and call it a day."
Again, the twins nodded in agreement, and with that the three of them put the Convention Center behind them, already moving on towards greater adventures.
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End Episode 9
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A/N: Blargh. There, finally done, and it does not feel worth the time and effort. I hope you all enjoyed it regardless of how much of it was just padding in a filler chapter. But on the bright side, I can tell you all that the next several chapters are all arc-centric, so they should be much better.
Anyway, to answer the question I'm sure many of you will be asking — yes, I plan on shipping Dib/Viera. Yes, I'm aware this is probably a terrible idea, judging by my past experience in writing romance. But, I'm gonna give it a go anyway, so please bear with me.
Also, I meant no offense to anyone in the convention community. This was meant as parody, not mockery. Oh, and originally it was going to be sci-fi themed, with parodies of Star Trek and Star Wars going at it, but fantasy felt better.
Next time: The Tallest host a grand meeting of all their Invaders. And three guesses who crashes it (actually, you may be surprised).
Until then, please review, and stay safe out there!