Rewinding a bit to cover Claudine's perspective and how she has been living her life since she lost Maya...
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 7. Shadow Of A Doubt
Three years.
Three years since she had joined the Theatre du Flamme.
Three years since she had graduated from Seishou Music Academy.
Three years since she had lost Maya.
To say it had been difficult would have been a sore understatement.
There weren't words in any human language that could've possibly encapsulated the emotions Claudine had experienced over the past three years.
There was grief, but it wasn't just 'grief.' It was the kind of grief where she would end up thinking of Maya without any warning whatsoever, at a time or during an event where absolutely nothing at all should have conjured up a memory of her, and would then leave Claudine in tears. Sobbing so hard, but often needing to keep quiet in some public restroom or hallway, choking until her jaw ached, her tongue ran dry, and her throat became sore. It was grief that felt as though her body was coming apart at the seams - grief that felt like her very soul was detaching itself and fraying into oblivion.
There was regret, but it was the regret that very few people ever had to suffer. The regret that the last time they had ever seen a loved one had been a time where they had been angry and said childishly selfish things to them. Regret that she had ended things on a sour note, even though she had planned on apologizing and making things right next time. Her regret was that there was no next time, and there never would be. The regret of taking things for granted.
And on top of the grief and the regret, there were so many other things.
Guilt. Sorrow. Anger. Denial. All of the heaviest, most crushing emotions at their maximum weight, and sometimes all of them at once came crashing down on her.
And perhaps the worst part of it all was that those days were few and far between.
Claudine had truly done her best to move on, to pursue her own dreams in Maya's honor, to keep living each day like it could be her last. And for the most part, she had good days, and decent nights.
But though the bad days were scarce, they were debilitating. Absolutely devastating. So much so that she had experienced a day here or there when she'd been so beside herself that she'd needed to take the day off or skip practice, or things of that nature. She did all she could to limit days like that, and for the most part was generally successful. But when they did come, they hurt excessively.
And then, there were the times when she would experience that emotion.
That feeling of perhaps this was all some bad dream, and she might still wake up to find Maya sleeping there beside her.
The feeling that she would get to go back someday and redo things.
Or perhaps it was a feeling that she'd already done this, and would get to rewind and try again to fix the past.
She could never explain it, but it did happen. The feeling that she would somehow get to go back someday...
Whenever it did hit her, it always felt like a guarantee. That she would be able to go back someday. She just had to keep waiting. Even though with each day that passed it became all the more obvious that such a thing could never occur in the reality she lived in, that strange sliver of "maybe" always helplessly remained.
And the hardest part of recognizing that feeling was that - for Claudine and only an extremely select few other people on the planet - such an impossibility could have been real at some point.
If all of this had happened just a few years earlier, she might've had the chance to turn it all back. To utilize the taboo wish of the giraffe's underground stage and to rewind time, to redo things and save Maya's life.
If only.
If only…
But no matter how many stages Claudine had sung or danced upon over the past three years, or which country or province she was in, or which troupe or which play, song, or performance she was a part of…
No matter what words she chanted, or what radiance she put forth, she never again saw any trace of the giraffe and his forbidden stage.
Even at the time of Maya's death, not Claudine, nor Nana, nor any of their friends or classmates, even from the other schools, had seen or heard from the giraffe in months. Not since Karen had brought Hikari back from that Starlight purgatory. Ever since then, the stage had been quiet, unfettered, and magic-less.
Claudine had given up hope on that impossible wish a long time ago.
Which was part of why the pain of thinking she might have a chance to redo it all and go back hurt all the harder. Because, at a slightly different time, she would have been able to go back. She, and no one else.
But the stars hadn't aligned quite that perfectly. What was done was done, and there was no going back anymore.
She'd accepted that indisputable fact as best she could over those past three years. Although she'd found it a bit too painful to reconnect with her old friends. Due to the inevitable memories of Maya that such activities would bring, Claudine had done her best to make new friends with her colleagues.
And even though she had ultimately decided against dating, she had branched out and at least allowed herself to try and open up to people romantically as well.
She had tried. Gods, she had tried to move on. With each new morning and with each passing night, she told herself she was moving on more and more.
But the cold hard truth of it all was that deep in her soul, she knew it. There would never be any moving on from Tendo Maya. From the impact she had left on Claudine in just those few short years of knowing her.
Everyone - everyone - just kept telling her that things would get better with time. That time would heal all wounds.
But it didn't. It never did.
Time only made it hurt more. Time only made the depression deeper, the agony more poignant, and the regret more tangible.
Maybe time healed for other people. But not for Claudine. Not for the way in which she had lost Maya, only days away from making amends and confessing her feelings.
Calling it a tragedy was an embellishment. To Claudine - to her soul - losing Maya had been cataclysmic. Earth-shattering.
And even in spite of her best efforts to move on, three years later the pain was still as fresh as if she'd lost her yesterday. It had gotten to the point where she'd started to accept that it would never get better, never fully go away. The wounds wouldn't fully heal, but the minor patching-up she would sometimes accomplish could be enough, for the most part.
As her time in the troupe had progressed, her relationships had deepened until she could eventually go out with her colleagues and enjoy dinner or a performance. Though Claudine still had her darker days, and days when she would need to cancel plans due to her own mental health, she had better days too. So much so that she liked to believe she was healing more than hurting.
She continued working hard, as was in her nature, gaining the respect of her fellow actors and instructors. And, of course, she had a roaring fanbase; some who had just recently discovered her due to her work in the troupe, some who had been following her endeavors since Seishou, and even some who knew of her since her childhood acting days.
She was quite popular, even as a first-year performer in the troupe, and even though she only landed supporting roles for the most part, the audiences always loved her.
But now that she was a seasoned member of the troupe after three long years, she had finally landed a lead role, one she was quite proud of and one that her colleagues commended her for.
She could hardly wait for her premiere performance, to stand onstage as the lead once again, to soak in that spotlight and gaze out across the audience, inspiring awe in their eyes…
The true meaning of acting.
That day, and that performance, she would quietly, privately dedicate to the memory of Tendo Maya.
The night before her lead role performance, Claudine follows her usual routine.
They'd run through a complete rehearsal today in preparation for tomorrow, and everything had gone perfectly. The troupe had been dismissed early so everyone could rest up tonight.
After returning to her apartment, Claudine had eaten dinner and bathed before habitually approaching the photographs of Maya in the incensed corner of her living room area. Curling onto her knees, Claudine clasps her hands together and closes her eyes before paying homage to Maya's spirit.
She would often war between asking for Maya's blessing to do well on an upcoming performance, or having enough confidence in her own abilities to tell Maya that she would be fine without her.
But this time, since it will be Claudine's first time with the leading role in the troupe, she offers a combination of the two.
"I've worked hard for this. Extremely hard. In spite of everything that's happened, I've pushed through and finally landed the lead. I've done all of that without you… To say that would be a lie. Even when you're not here anymore, you still continue to inspire me somehow. I owe as much of my getting this opportunity to you as I do to myself. So thank you, Maya. If you're there somewhere, please watch me tomorrow."
She inhales, bracing herself before she reopens her eyes and inevitably finds her gaze locked with the silvery eyes of the girl in the photograph before her. Smiling. That Maya is always smiling, even when Claudine isn't.
This time, Claudine manages to flash a small smile back.
She stays there for a moment, wondering if she really thought she could feel Maya's presence, or if it's just her own projection of emotions.
Before much longer, she gets to her feet and retreats to bed.
Sometimes, her dreams are kind to her and are void of Maya entirely.
Sometimes, they are cruel, and show her how the accident might have happened.
And sometimes, they are a combination of both, in that they allow Claudine to dance and sing with Maya once again, only for her to wake and find reality without her.
Thankfully, tonight, she doesn't have any dreams. Or if she does, she doesn't remember them.
Admittedly, Claudine's first lead role performance isn't as spectacular as some might've expected it to be.
This afternoon, she will not be performing on one of the most extravagant stages in all of Europe, or even in all of France - not like her seasoned senior trope members often got the opportunity to do.
Rather, Claudine will be performing at a smaller, yet still quite well-known theater attached to a popular local museum of arts. Put simply, it wasn't the most lavish of stages, but it was far from the most humble. On a scale of one to ten with ten being the most exquisite of theaters in the country, this one would rank around a six or seven.
And Claudine is quite content with that for her first leading role performance.
She is well-loved and confident enough in her own abilities to know that this would be the first stepping stone to achieving greater heights, and that from here on out she would be landing lead roles in much more extravagant locations for much more popular plays.
For her performance this afternoon, a wide variety of people would compose the audience. There were seats for guests who had paid for tickets in advance, and whatever of those hadn't sold in advance would be up for grabs to daily museum visitors on a first-come, first-serve basis. There would also be a few sections designated for visiting schools on field trips. The audience would be comprised of a good mix, from avid theatre fans, to mildly-interested students, to casual passerby.
And Claudine was excited. So excited that for once, she didn't have the mental capacity to feel that lingering, ever-present sorrow in the back of her mind.
It was liberating.
As the afternoon is upon them, Claudine rehearses her lines with her fellow actors, gets into costume, and has her makeup done backstage. It's the same anxious eustress that precedes any performance she's ever led back at Seishou, just on a much larger and more professional scale. A bustling beehive of constant activity and movement.
It's exhilarating. It's what she was made for.
And before she knows it, someone is calling her name.
"Saijou-san! It's time!"
Claudine looks up from her dressing room mirror and turns to call back.
"Coming!"
She stands, but not without one last glance at herself in the mirror. A flash of memory forces its way in; an image of a certain girl standing there beside her, smiling, waiting to take her hand and lead her out onstage where they will bewilder their audience together…
"Watch me…" Claudine murmurs to the air. "If you're out there somewhere, watch me tonight, Tendo Maya."
She doesn't stick around long enough to debate with herself if she thinks that's possible or not. She'd already fought that battle with herself many times - of wondering if Maya's spirit really was there somewhere, somehow, watching over her. But whether she was or wasn't, Claudine is fully intent to steal the stage, and the hearts of every person in that audience this evening.
She leaves her dressing room, adorned in her ornate pink dress for the leading role of the princess for tonight's performance. Her first performance as the lead since she had lost Maya. The first show with Claudine as the star that won't have Maya in the sidelines.
It was devastating, but it's how things had to be.
At the very least, Claudine intended to reach out to her old friends with this news after tonight, perhaps to rekindle some flames at least via text message.
Things were going to change after tonight. She'd make sure of it. This performance would be the catalyst. Claudine would land more leading roles after this, or perhaps be scouted by other troupes. It would be the beginning of her launch into her official acting career as an adult.
So she was going to blow this audience out of the water - with or without Tendo Maya's presence.
Claudine follows her colleagues to the curtains, where they engage in their usual good-luck ritual of huddling up and motivating one another. Being that she is the lead this time around, everyone gives Claudine a supportive pat on the back to send her forward toward the stage first.
She can already hear her audience bustling on the other side, and she's able to tell the sheer size of the theater based on the reverberations and echoes alone.
An announcer calls for attention as they begin welcoming the audience.
It's surreal. The moment Claudine steps foot upon that glowing stage, illuminated by her center spotlight, it's as though she'd never left. The stage was her home, her refuge, the place she was meant to be. With the warm lights beaming down on her, the curious, glimmering eyes of her audience before her, and the surefire support of her colleagues all around and beside her…
Even though it was a theater she'd never been to before, with an audience of complete strangers, and a team of people she'd only known for a brief amount of time… It still felt as close to home as anything ever had.
She just has to stop herself from imagine Seishou's stage beneath her feet, and Seishou's audience filled with Seishou's uniforms before her, and her fellow classmates from Seishou at her side…
They would always be home to her. But given the circumstances, this was as close as she was ever going to get again.
Claudine inhales, breathing in the excitement and awe of the people around her, then puts on a beautiful smile as she takes her greeting bow.
And in spite of what she's missing, the smile is genuine. As genuine as it can be in this world that has taken so much from her.
But tonight, she will put that aside as best she can. Tonight, she will be the most dazzling person in the world to this audience. She will smile and shine, live in the moment, and become someone else.
And in all honesty, it goes better than she ever could have hoped.
While she adored being onstage in any capacity, there was just something about being the lead that felt most natural to her.
Her presence was what commanded the story and the actions of the other characters, and what captured the attention of the onlookers. This was her stage, her world, her performance, and everyone else was simply here to observe.
It was empowering. The only thing that allowed her to feel as though she had any ounce of control over the events in this world that were uncontrollable.
On her stage, in her world, in her performance, there was no tragedy other than the orchestrated kind. When the curtain fell at the end of the evening, all the actors came back to soak in the raucous applause. On her stage, even if someone were to perish, it was all in the story. They always came back to stand beside her for the finale and the parting bow.
Here, Claudine couldn't truly lose anyone. It was all just a story, a farce, an act. And that was the greatest relief of all.
After she had lost Maya, acting had become more of an escape than anything. It was a place where she went to escape a cruel, unforgiving reality - a haven where she could find reprise and comfort in knowing none of it was real at the end of the night.
Originally, she had longed to act so she might reach out and inspire others, ignite feelings within them that they themselves never even knew they were capable of experiencing. But now, it was more of a place for her own safety, and she would have to embrace that if she ever wanted to get back to the old motivations.
So for now, Claudine embraces that motive - as selfish as it is.
And even then, the audience still gives her a standing ovation at the final bow.
They still love her. Still applaud her. Still cry over how beautiful her performance was. Still chant her name.
She only wishes she could have performed with purer intentions tonight, but as things are, she still needs time to hide and be selfish.
Luckily, her audience and colleagues are none the wiser. They all applaud until their hands turn sore, cheering and whistling and tossing coins and flowers up onto the stage.
Claudine smiles, feeling the telltale sting of oncoming tears. She's just relieved that she'd still managed to spark emotion in them even though she had acted more for her own reasons.
Perhaps she wasn't so far gone due to her grief. Perhaps there was still a light at the end of this tunnel.
The applause keeps coming, as do the embraces of her fellow actors and the rain of coins and flowers. Claudine laughs with tears in her eyes as she hugs back one of her fellow actresses.
"Merci!" she calls out across the room. "Merci!"
With the thrill of the performance itself now finally starting to wind down, she is allowed to break character and be herself again.
Claudine casts her gaze out into the audience - which is something she never does during a performance. Only now that it's over does she allow herself to break that fourth wall and acknowledge that it had all simply been an act being observed all this time.
There are faces of many ages, many races, and many emotions.
There are young businessmen and aging grandfathers, schoolgirls and middle-aged mothers.
There are people who had anticipated this performance for months, and some who had just stumbled upon it today.
There are locals who live down the street, and foreigners who had traveled continents to get here.
But in this moment, they are all the same - at least in her eyes.
Bright. Sparkling. Inspired.
Most shed tears, and the few who don't are struggling not to.
Claudine takes pride and comfort in knowing that she had been the one to elicit the majority of those feelings. Living in this moment helps her forget the pain. And so she lets it last for as long as humanly possible.
"Merci…" she smiles again. "Merci…"
Only then does she realize she's crying, too. And it's less because she is living her dream of eliciting emotion in others, and more because she knows, deep down, that she shouldn't be standing here alone. That there was someone else who should have been up there beside her, taking that bow with her…
And then…
As Claudine's tear-filled eyes glide across the audience, a small, but sudden pang twinges in her chest.
It's not much. Barely anything. But it's just enough to have her brain second-guessing, enough to have her gaze travel back the way it had come.
She scans a particular section of seats until she finds what had caused this reaction in the first place.
Of all the hundreds of people in the audience, still standing and clapping and cheering, one single person catches her eye. The coat, hair, and beret tell Claudine it is a young woman. And for the first year of her life living in France after graduation, it had been impossible for Claudine to look at any girl between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five without briefly getting stung by a hopeful irrationality.
For a long time, any woman could have been "her." Perhaps in disguise, in hiding - any number of justifications Claudine would tell herself in hopes of hanging onto the belief that Maya might still be alive somehow.
Even though it was never real.
It couldn't be, after all. Tendo Maya was dead. She had died over three years ago.
And yet, Claudine was still stung every time she saw a young woman with long brown hair, particularly if she was clearly of Asian descent. It wasn't terribly common here in France, but it did happen more often than she cared to admit.
And every single time, no matter how many years had gone by, Claudine always fell into that momentary trap, holding out hope for a brief, fleeting second, before the girl would inevitably give her a strange look and pass her by in utter confusion, or apologize and tell her she wasn't who Claudine thought she was in the few instances where Claudine would approach and ask directly.
Of course it wasn't Maya. Of course none of them were ever Maya. Maya was dead.
And this was the irrefutable fact that Claudine had so desperately been trying to make herself understand for the past three years. That every spark of false recognition was just a hallucination, a trick of her hopeful mind stemming from her tired heart.
But this time…
This girl…
Claudine had been able to recognize all the other hundreds of false alarms quickly afterward. Something was always amiss anyway; their eyes, their facial structure, their physique…
But…
But this time…
Claudine, above anyone else, knew Tendo Maya.
She had watched her for years, from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to sleep. She had seen Tendo Maya from every angle, in every lighting. She knew the shape of her body when she was curled up in bed, the length of her hair when it was down in the shower versus when it was up in a ponytail during lessons, the way her profile looked sitting in class versus how she looked twirling in the studio. She had studied Maya as a rival, seen her as a classmate, and known her as a friend.
She knew Tendo Maya. She always had.
And even here, even now, even three years after she'd died…
Claudine still knows her.
In spite of the way she is awkwardly trying to pry herself away from the crowd and escape her seat.
In spite of the concealing hat and clothing.
Even in a room full of noise and movement and people, Claudine would know her anywhere.
And it isn't just a trick of the eye, the mind, or the heart. Not this time. Her very soul itself just knows.
And in that instant, where the girl in that seat mistakenly glances back up at the stage and their eyes meet - just for a fleeting half-second - it's confirmed.
Claudine would know those eyes, above anything else, anywhere. That misty, silvery purple, flashing with panic, with dreaded recognition…
And as quickly as Claudine had spotted her, she vanishes among the crowd.
But she knows. She knows what she'd seen. Who she'd seen.
Heart pounding, stomach twisting, soul burning, Claudine takes one final bow in front of her audience before hurrying backstage along with the rest of the cast.
She doesn't waste a second. After three long, arduous, gut-wrenching years, another second is far too long.
She wrestles her way out of the lavish dress that would only slow her down, reducing her layers down to the more moveable underclothes beneath. In spite of the late evening hour, she doesn't bother to think about a coat or a change in footwear before tearing off for the exit. Behind her, one of her colleagues calls out after her.
"Saijou-san? Where are you going? Is everything okay-?"
She doesn't answer. Because she doesn't know.
She has no idea what her answer to that question is right now.
All she knows is that she hadn't been hallucinating this time.
That her heart knew above all else that this was real. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.
She fights back the tears, not wanting to risk her vision blurring in this crucial moment - a moment that would never come again.
This would be her only chance. Ever.
So she runs.
A/N: Sometimes, time doesn't heal all wounds... Some wounds are unhealable and unforgettable. Even if the pain lessens, it never fully goes away. She has been seeing Maya everywhere and in everyone for years. But this time she knows it's real. So of course Claudine has to run after her... She can't let her go. Not again...
Please review!