Stay

A/N: Set in S8, after they agree to "date" privately and be separated publicly. (I wrote out most of this in my head at like 11 at night as I was trying to go to sleep, haha!) Hope you enjoy!

—-

In the drowsy, post-loving haze of the night (or was it early morning?) Castle couldn't help but admire the woman lounging beside him. She had her eyes closed as she laid on her stomach, her arms tucked up under the pillow. She was breathing deeply, but she wasn't yet asleep. He could tell.

She was slight, thin, but her curves remained quite curious and enticing to him. He reached a hand out, lazily tracing the hills and valleys from her shoulder down to her lower back, up over the curve of her perfect ass.

Her tanned skin was warm and soft, and smelled like honey even though she'd been sweating not even ten minutes ago. Even after all this time, he could hardly tear his eyes away from her perfect form.

But then she stirred, and her sleepy eyes opened just so. She smiled warmly at him and shifted until she was raised up on her elbows. (It only served to accentuate her sculpted back, and Castle shifted the blanket so he could see her better.)

"I should probably get going," she murmured, but he was too distracted to hear the regret in her tone.

"Don't," he heard himself reply. "Stay."

His eyes dragged away from her bare skin to settle on her face. She looked determined now, more awake. "Castle, I –"

"No," he said more intently, and stroked his hand across her shoulder blades, pushing down lightly. "I don't care. Stay."

He knew she was going to argue. She did every night. About how she shouldn't be here, and what if someone saw her? He normally acquiesced, but tonight he didn't want to.

He let her lead at first. He did what she asked, every time, despite being the one that she should be placating after the stunt she pulled.

But this is all he had of her. He was growing tired of giving her up.

"Just tonight," he tried to reason, even though he knew in his heart that that wouldn't be enough. "One night won't hurt."

He watched conflicting emotions flit across her face as she processed his request. Surprisingly, she didn't argue. She looked like she might try, but then she scrubbed a hand over her face and he could see the exhaustion hiding there. He might actually win this.

"Okay," she finally relented. "But just tonight."

He kissed her gently on her shoulder, and she settled back down against the bed.

But Castle didn't want to sleep. He wanted to enjoy her presence for as long as he had her. With her new role, the work with Vikram - who knew what tomorrow night would bring?

So he continued his ministrations. Threaded his fingers through her hair, scratching his nails softly against her skin until she was humming. Rubbed small circles on her back as she subconsciously scooted closer to him. And finally, rested his own head back down on his pillow with one hand protectively over her soft backside, eyes drooping but locked on her long lashes resting against her pink cheek.

She was beautiful, and she was his.

Mostly, anyway.

—-

When he awoke the next morning, he instinctively reached his hand out toward Beckett's side. He felt the cool sheets where she should have been. Had she only just risen, her warmth would be left behind.

He sat up and looked around. No clothes. The loft was quiet.

He slammed his fist down upon the mattress. It was only 6am, and Beckett was gone.

She couldn't even give him one full night.

—-

He made his coffee without texting her good morning. Then he chatted with Alexis over pancakes, ignoring Beckett's phone call.

He didn't want to talk to her. He didn't care if he came across as rude or petty - she had upset him. Certainly after what they'd gone through the last couple months he was allowed to be upset?

He felt grumbly and grouchy and grumpy all morning, until he finally decided to head into the office. He may as well work on something to distract himself from the annoyance and hurt beating a steady rhythm in his ribcage.

When she called him again that afternoon, he felt a little less aggrieved and decided to answer the call.

She asked how he was doing, he responded that he was fine.

She told him about her day, and he listened as husbands are supposed to do.

She asked to come over again tonight, her voice flirty and quiet, and he paused before giving a non-committal, "If you want to."

Beckett didn't say anything right away, and before an argument could begin, Castle pretended to have a client and told her he had to go.

He scrubbed a frustrated hand across his face and let the phone clatter on his desk. He groaned and grumbled and glared down at the offending object, as if it had done something wrong.

The last few hours, he'd realized what his problem was, and it was never something he'd anticipated ever feeling with Kate.

He felt… used.

He understood why she'd kept him in the dark; he'd done the same to Alexis on several occasions when he wanted to spare her from any disappointment or heartache. He knew the stakes were grander than anything they'd ever faced before, and he knew why she was keeping her distance. He knew she didn't want to be doing it.

But he longed for the life they'd had. The one where he and his wife would cook meals together, go out on dates, hold hands on the couch while watching a movie. Instead, he got a half-hearted apology each time she snuck out of their bed, the evidence of their engagements still drying on his sheets.

He could handle being slapped or yelled at in public if it meant his private life could go back to normal. When she'd come back to him, after their anniversary, it had seemed like that was the direction things were going in. But now? Now he felt like a piece of meat. Which, in itself, as a man, led to a very perplexing paradox - shouldn't he be okay with that? Wouldn't men all over the world be jealous that he has this - with Beckett of all people?

He sighed. He should be grateful he at least got a piece of his wife back.

He just… he wanted all of her. Was that so much to ask?

—-

He was putting the dishes away after dinner - Alexis was upstairs writing a paper - when he heard a familiar knock at the door. He paused, pan in hand, wondering why she was knocking at all.

He set the cookware down on the counter and went to answer the door.

"Hey," he said curiously, his unasked question obvious between them. They'd known each other long enough that some things just went unsaid.

"Hey." Kate stepped forward and leaned one shoulder on the doorframe. "Can I come in?"

He nodded and moved to allow her entrance. She dropped her jacket and purse in their usual spots as if nothing was amiss. But she also didn't usually knock anymore.

"I wasn't expecting you."

Kate frowned. "I thought you said I could come over."

He walked back over to the dishwasher and continued to load it. "I said you could if you wanted to."

She leaned her hip against the counter, staring hard at his back. He could feel it like a tickle between his shoulder blades. "And it wasn't obvious that I wanted to?"

He shrugged, knowing the knot in his gut was shame from his pettiness. He wasn't stupid; he knew he was being unfair. "Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't."

He heard her take a deep breath, but neither said anything as he finished the last few dishes before closing up the dishwasher. It wasn't full enough to run yet.

When he turned to face her, her arms were crossed over her chest. She didn't look angry though, she looked… hurt.

"Did I do something wrong?"

He wanted to ignore the smallness in her voice; the slight waver on the end, like she was barely keeping herself together after a long day. He averted his eyes and wiped his hands on the nearby towel.

What did he say to that? Yes, she did, because she left after agreeing to stay? Or no, she didn't, he was just being a needy ass who wanted more of her than she could give right now?

Instead, he gave into the pettiness. "I don't know. Did you?"

Kate's eyes narrowed, suspicious, but her voice came out soft. "Talk to me, Rick."

The silence stretched between them, deeper than the Grand Canyon, dangerous and tentative. He didn't know what to say. Why should he be the honest one when she still kept so much from him?

"If you're here, it means you don't wanna talk." He stepped forward and put his hands on her hips. She was stiff beneath his touch, her gaze wary and untrusting.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He bent down slowly to kiss her neck. She loosened, if only slightly. "Castle…"

"Just lead the way."

Then he felt her shove at him - not hard, but hard enough. "Castle," she demanded more insistently. Her cheeks were flushed but her eyes were clear. "What is going on?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You've been distant all day. What are you upset about?"

"It's nothing, really." He tried to reach for her again, but she stepped away. "Kate."

Kate bit into her bottom lip. "Can we just talk? Please?"

Castle ran his fingers across his forehead, down over his eyes. "Yeah. Okay. Fine."

Kate turned toward his bedroom, but Castle detoured into the living room. If she wanted to talk, they were going to talk - and not where he would feel the most vulnerable.

Sensing his change of direction, Kate pivoted and followed him to the couch. He sank down on one end, and she on another.

"What did I do?" she almost barked, and then softened. "I mean… clearly something must have happened." He'd almost forgotten they were lousy at this, the whole 'talking' thing.

He considered her statement. He reasoned that he had two choices here: he could either blow this all off and convince himself he was being unreasonable, or he could tell her what he felt she did wrong. Or, of course, there was always option C: tell her what was on his mind without bringing her down with him. But he was never quite sure of how to do that.

"You left," he said simply, and looked her directly in the eyes.

"It– was morning," she replied, trying to play it cool but shifting in her seat at the same time.

"Barely. I woke up at six and you were gone."

"I wanted to go to the gym before work."

He huffed an incredulous laugh. "Sure. Okay."

Kate sighed. "You haven't been distant because I left this morning. What is it, really?"

He wanted to say that this wasn't working for him, but he didn't want to lose what he'd only just recently gotten back. He wanted to yell and shout that she didn't give him enough of her (was all day every day ever really enough?) but he didn't want her to convince herself that she'd been right all along about pausing their relationship.

He didn't know what to say - to say enough without saying too much. So in the end, he simply said, "I miss you." It was the truth, at least.

Kate's face softened. "You see me almost every day." And because they could often talk without needing words, Castle heard what she wasn't saying: Why isn't that enough for you?

"Correction: We occasionally work together on cases, but you're always pretending to be mad at me in public. Then, when we're alone, you jump me like a Seaman who hasn't been on land in six months."

Kate let out a strangled sound, a mix between a scoff and a laugh. "And… that last part's a bad thing?"

"No, it's just…" He grunted, trying to find the words. He was a writer, for God's sake - why was this so damn hard?

"Castle. What is it?" She was soft, unteasing. Her mouth crooked down in the corner. She really wanted to know.

He sighed, chewed on his bottom lip and looked down at his lap. Then he shifted, planting one ankle across the opposite knee. "I want more, Kate."

"Like…?"

"Like… something more than you just dropping by to get what you need, or what you think I need, before leaving again."

She shifted and he finally looked up at her. She looked appalled. "You make me sound like some kind of woman of the night."

He shot her a dangerously facetious look. She reared back as if he'd slapped her. "You don't really think of me that way, do you?"

Her body language was changing. She was tensed, ready to jump to her feet. If he didn't course correct now, she was going to leave.

"No. I don't think that. But… I feel it, sometimes. We have sex and then you leave. I barely get time with you anymore." She looked flabbergasted, mouth agape and eyes shining. "Kate… when's the last time we cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie, hmm?" When she didn't answer, he continued, "Far too long ago to remember. And - the DVR, it's backed up. Just full of stuff we said we wanted to watch and just - haven't."

"I've been a little busy…" she tried to defend, but she was quiet, defeated. He was fucking this all up.

"I know. You got promoted, this thing with Loksat…" Kate cringed, but Castle continued. "I just miss being with my wife. Playing games. Cooking together. Holding you." He planted his foot back on the floor and leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "Is that so bad? To miss that?"

Kate was quiet. The ticking of the clock on the wall sounded like it was echoing through the loft. It was getting in his head, under his skin. He was tempted to pull it down off the wall and smash it when she finally cleared her throat, preparing to respond.

"I didn't know." He looked over at her. She tried to smile, albeit sadly. "I didn't know you felt that way. I guess, with how things have always been between us…" Again, those unspoken words. Their physical prowess in the bedroom had known no bounds, no such thing as 'in-excess.' They were matched as equally there as they were at the precinct, and they always ended up there when words failed them.

(Which, lately, was often.)

"It's not that I don't want you, that way…" God knew that was a hell of an understatement. He wanted her that way, always. "You know I do."

Kate smiled bashfully down into her folded hands in her lap. "I know."

"I thought this kind of relationship would be every man's dream, but I guess…" He turned to face her full on. "You're my dream. All of you. Not just a part of you."

Kate squeezed her hands together, then rose from her seat. Castle felt the first jolt of panic, like she'd had enough and was going to leave, but then she stepped closer to him. She sank down onto the couch on her knees, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She planted a kiss to his temple, and then rested her cheek there.

"I promise I'll work on it, okay? If you promise not to keep stuff like that from me. Deal?"

He wanted to argue, to poke holes in the deal. She kept stuff from him, didn't she? But she was right. This was important. She needed to know.

"Deal."

Kate sighed and placed one hand on Castle's cheek before pulling him in for a deep kiss. He was tempted to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom, but she surprised him by getting up once again, kicking off her boots, and grabbing a blanket off the back of the chair. She tossed it lightly at him and picked up the remote.

"You know, I have been dying to catch up on Real Housewives."

Castle grinned, opening his arm for her to snuggle into. They got comfortable, with her warmth cradled right where she belonged.