What was James supposed to do with Amber's car?
As he drove to their apartment — which was full of memories and pictures that James knew he'd have to look away from — he couldn't stop thinking about her car. Of all things, he didn't know what to do with it.
It was old and beat-up, bought when she was still in college. After the crap she had dealt with in medical school and House's convoluted hiring process, the car and its scratched red paint were comfort to her. Something she was fiercely protective of.
And now it was abandoned in the parking lot of a bar. All because she was de—
James wanted to blame House. His friend meant a lot to him, but House had always hated Amber. The first time James heard him call her a "cutthroat bitch," he made it a point not to laugh along. What James wanted to do was tell House to knock it off, but Amber asked him not to. And it wasn't just her sucking up to her boss or trying to protect James. She knew that he was there for her, and that was what mattered.
Then when House was too wasted to drive home and James couldn't answer his phone, Amber was there.
But then the bus went and kille—
New tears formed faster than James could blink them away, making him park crooked as he got to their apartment. It was a painful reminder of how empty Amber's neighboring spot was.
It was all foreign to him. He didn't know who he was supposed to give her parking pass to, or what to do with her cards, if he should tell her parents or sister first. James didn't understand any of it.
Amber was the one who figured things out. The bills and logistics were always her.
Granted, before he met her, he had dealt with that stuff.
But now, he didn't know if he would file their papers the way she wanted, or if he'd do the Sunday cleaning how she liked. He didn't know how she'd want her parents' pictures positioned after being dusted, or how he was supposed to hold them without smudging them with his fingerprints.
And what was he supposed to do with her car?
His first instinct was to try and ask her, but that couldn't happen.
Nothing made sense to James anymore. It was that simple. He'd never get to feel the way her hand fit in his again, and Amber would never show him that crooked smile.
Just the day prior, he was ready to spend the rest of his life seeing it.
He'd never forget watching her stick through the round of new hires House had chosen. While the others were kissing up to him or too quiet to make a difference, Amber was screaming her thoughts from the rooftops. Her stubbornness was one of the first things James loved about her. She knew what she wanted. She always did.
She'd pretend to get so fired up, and they laughed about it more times than James could count.
And he missed that sound more than he ever thought possible.
James learned a lot from her. He had always gone out of his way to make everyone feel better — to make House feel better — even if it made him feel like crap.
But then Amber came around and, all of the sudden, he mattered. She didn't see him as someone to help her, she did that for herself. Instead of a punching bag, he was someone to laugh with. A best friend. He was just him, and that was enough. James was able to stop bending to the point of breaking just to make everyone happy. His feelings meant something.
Now, he had no idea what to do. He tried to get out of his car, but he forgot how his legs worked.
The passenger seat was too empty.
And the thought of being on their couch or in their bed was even worse. Part of him wanted to sleep in his car, but he knew it wasn't a solution.
Really, there wasn't one.
So, he got out and slammed the door. He held his hand out to grab hers like always but threw it back down at his side.
Being an oncologist, he saw loss almost daily. Everyone said he was great with his patients' loved ones, but meanwhile he hadn't even grasped what it'd be like on this side. He didn't think about how weird the empty space next to him would be. Didn't realize what it would be like to not hold her stuff while she opened the front door.
James reached into his pocket and grabbed his keys. He tried to fight them into the lock, but he was shaking so much that they nearly slipped from his grasp.
He rested his head against the door.
When he moved out of his old apartment, it was terrifying. But from day one, it was worth it.
Amber would want him to come inside and let it all out, even if she wasn't there to get him through it. She'd have been far too stubborn to take no for an answer.
The key slipped into the lock, and James opened the door to his new home. It was even emptier than the old one.
A small part of him was waiting for her to pop out of nowhere, the result of some twisted test he wasn't sure he'd pass. She'd wrap her arms around him and tell him over and over again that everything would be okay.
That she was still by his side, never to leave again.
In a way, James supposed she was there. Just not how he wanted. Everywhere he looked, he could see her gorgeous blue eyes and her beautiful smile.
The kitchen was where Amber smeared frosting on his face as they baked an anniversary cake together. He held her tight and sat her on the counter, with her contagious laugh playing like his favorite tune. One that he had heard many times but never got sick of.
Now, James ran his hands over that spot and pursed his lips, terrified that one day, it'd stop chiming in his head.
A few more steps brought him to the living room, near the couch where they used to eat their crappy takeout and drink after a long day. James sat on the couch, draping his arm around where her shoulders should be. The sight of her with a bottle in one hand and Chinese food in the other flickered in and out like a mirage, and tried so desperately to read her lips. To have another conversation about her day or anything else she could have thought of.
He remembered when they decided to buy a new mattress – one of the first serious purchases they had made together. He wanted one, she wanted another, and eventually he had chosen to go out and purchase the one she liked. All to make her happy.
But Amber didn't want that, so he bought a waterbed. That was, until he realized he hated it and had to take it back.
Then the living room was where they slept on the floor, in each other's arms.
Amber had used him as a pillow, sending pins and needles down his shoulder. But he was too mesmerized by the way her golden hair rested against her face to care.
James went to their bedroom, the final stop of their now suffocating home. He looked at the bed that he had chosen. Amber didn't even like it, but she insisted anyway. House said it was a game, and deep down James thought it was a test.
But it wasn't. She just wanted him to look after himself.
He walked over to the bed and laid down. Without thinking, he sprawled his arm out so her head could rest on it.
That didn't happen. It never would.
The bed felt huge.
And James was empty.
Fresh out of tears, of questions, everything. He stared at her pillow and imagined her face, and that beautiful smile as her eyes rested on his.
And when he looked at the spot where her neck should be, he saw an envelope. He turned it around, and he found a note she had left for him on the back of old mail.
Sorry I'm not here. Went to pick up House. 3
James read it again and again.
It wasn't until then that he realized how numb he had felt. Not until it was eclipsed by the ache that started to come back. He rested further into their bed and looked back at her pillow.
He hugged the note to his chest and let the tears flow.
James used to be the sidekick. He was the one off in the distance cheering everyone on, ignoring what he wanted. Then with Amber, someone cared about him. It didn't have to be the other way around anymore.
But she was gone.
From the beginning, even though everyone thought she was out to hurt him, he knew that they were wrong. She had proven it over and over again.
And he loved that about her. More than he ever knew.
He wished he had more time to tell her how much she meant. That there was someone who wanted to grow old with her. He hoped she knew she had a best friend in him, a person who wanted to always be by her side.
That someone loved her.
James could only hope that when he lost her, she knew that she meant everything to him.
All he knew was that he did.