When I was young, and to a small degree even now, I often used to feel that I never fit in anywhere. I had no real trouble making friends. Yeah I could be awkward, but it wasn't as if I didn't know how to talk to people or know the right thing to say at the right time. But even if I was surrounded by people I considered 'friends' I never truly felt a connect.

It was weird. People would describe friends as this sort of thing where you just understood everything about them, or maybe you wanted to know more about them, or maybe you didn't know about them-

Hmm. Let me retry this.

People would describe friends as some sort of tether that bound the two. There would be this deliberate, tangible connection that could be innately felt from the both of them. That there was this clear line of 'Oh I belong here.' and everything else just happened to fall into place.

That really never happened for me. Not even when I was an adult. Later on in life, I just learned to ignore it because I didn't really care if I got along with someone or not. But early on it was something that bugged me because I just couldn't tell if there was something wrong with me or if I just didn't find the right people.

I had looked it up, but the closest thing that I could get to was that some people identified such a thing as 'Imposter Syndrome'. Yet, that wasn't really right, as it wasn't that I felt inadequate or didn't deserve to be there, I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere.

I could fit in anywhere, be friends with anyone, yet I never felt like I belonged. And it wasn't the fact that I didn't feel like I belonged that bothered me, it was trying to figure out why I didn't feel like I belonged that bothered me.

But, well… sometimes it's not worth worrying about such things. Sometimes it's not worth worrying about the why, or the how. Sometimes you just have to tell your overthinking anxious brain to shut up and look the facts in the face.

Because friends had your back. And when they needed it, you would have theirs.

Chapter 9. My Heart, Your Wings.

It was easier than it should have been to hide my shock at the notion that the Express couldn't visit Earth. I simply had to keep shoveling food into my mouth and keep myself busy. I couldn't recall what any of it tasted like.

i nibbled on pieces of the potato salad while stewing in my thoughts. It was… difficult to follow along with the conversation. March was recounting the entire experience of Belobog to the table, with Stelle and Dan Heng adding their two cents in when necessary.

The entire thing reminded me of a family dinner, one person usually had some outrageous story to tell the rest of the family and everyone would chip in at times. It flowed seamlessly between each person. Welt and Himeko would ask questions about the things they missed, March would answer to the best of her ability, Stelle filled in some missing details and Dan Heng gave the rationale behind everything.

I… didn't speak much. There wasn't much for me to say. I only spoke when spoken to and tried my best to listen to keep my thoughts from wandering off.

I waited until everyone was done eating. Dan Heng and Welt took everyone's plates while Himeko and March excused themselves for their own things. I was left alone with Stelle, and excused myself quickly.

I vaguely registered the sound of another chair scraping before I stopped in my tracks when there was a small tug on my sleeve.

"Are you okay?" Stelle asked me softly.

I opened my mouth quickly to shoot off a reflexive deflection. But I found that I couldn't. Not that anything was preventing me from doing so but that I was reluctant to do so. I just… didn't want to lie more than I had to.

Because was I really okay? Physically sure? But mentally? I just wanted to go home.

"It's just… a lot. I guess." I decided on saying, facing Stelle as I spoke.

She was taller than me, so I had to look up to make eye contact. Her warm, amber eyes were pinched a bit in concern.

"Yeah. It's a lot to take in. I was the same way." Stelle said. "But I basically had nowhere to go except the Express. I'd imagine it's a bit different than you."

"I-I don't know. I wouldn't want to compare."

"Mmm." Stelle hummed, frowning as she thought. It was like she was trying to find the right words to say. "You just seemed a bit out of it?"

…Did I? I had thought I did an okay job hiding it during dinner. Maybe not, or maybe Stelle was just more keen than I gave her credit for.

"Oh. Uh, sorry. I was just… thinking."

Stelle shook her head. "No it's not like it was really noticeable. I only noticed because I realized you hadn't said anything since the start."

Ah. Should have spoken up more. I inhaled deeply.

"What I'm trying to say is that everyone already considers you a friend and you shouldn't hesitate to lean on us if you need." Stelle continued.

Oh. I blinked.

There was a tiny feeling of heat on my cheeks as I replied. "Thank… you. That means a lot."

I wasn't sure how much it meant, my feelings were a mess. But I know it meant something.

"I'll let you go now, but I just wanted to let you know that."

"Thank you, Stelle."

There was a small fluttering in my heart as I left.

Himeko was who I met next. I ran into her in the cabin halls and she gave me a bright smile. I wondered briefly if it was possible to tie in increasing the brightness of lights to a smile.

"Hello Zenith." She said cheerfully.

"Hello Himeko." I tried my best to return her smile.

"I know that our conversation earlier regarding the reconstruction of the Astral Express was interrupted, but I just wanted to say that I was quite happy to find someone else to discuss it with." Himeko said.

I blinked. "Oh. I'm glad! It was pretty interesting, even if I don't really understand all the new engineering technology."

"Are you interested in engineering?"

"Very much so." I nodded, there was a slight feeling of relief as the topic strayed into something I was much more comfortable with. "Although I'm not the best when it comes to stuff like mechanical engineering… I'm much more of a technology and coding type of person."

"Oh! Wonderful! It's always so nice to have someone else to chat with about it. Space technology is an absolute wonder to dive into and I'm sure you'll pick things up quickly! March has told me a lot about how quick you were to notice even small details during your adventure." Himeko smiled brightly, seemingly enthused about finding a nerd buddy to geek out with.

I mean, I felt the same way to a much smaller extent. Who wouldn't be excited to learn about this kind of stuff? It was literally the equivalent of getting rocketed into some futuristic environment and then having access to all the details about how SPACE TRAVEL works.

"I'll try my best to learn, I have a feeling that whatever it is I'm used to is practically ancient technology compared to what you're using." I smiled.

"Don't worry about it! You'd be surprised at how esoteric some of the technology that the Express originally used, and even then there's always going to be tech that is miles better than what you're used to, the exciting part is always learning more!"

I chuckled. Yeah that sounded pretty accurate. Himeko and I probably had a lot more in common than I would have initially guessed.

"Then I guess I'm looking forward to our lessons?" I left open ended.

"We'll schedule a date soon and talk about it over some coffee." Himeko said.

My face flushed a bit at the wording but I nodded nonetheless. "Just let me know when."

We parted after that, but my chest felt just a bit lighter.

I nearly ran face first into Dan Heng after my chat with Himeko. We both stopped ourselves before any collision occurred.

"Oh. It's you." He said.

In my experience, when someone said that it usually wasn't a good thing. But… it's not like I did anything bad? Did he not like the fact that I joined the Express?

"Uh. Hi. It's me." I replied.

"I've been meaning to talk to you."

Scenarios ran through my head. Dan Heng wasn't the most expressive person around, but he was usually pretty clear-headed. Did I do something to offend him?

"Nothing bad I hope?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I wanted to know what sort of experience you have with weapons. I know you said you were a non-combatant back on Belobog, but as a new passenger of the Express you might need some training."

Oh. That was… surprisingly nice of him. I say surprisingly but that revealed a rather rude inner bias in my head. Was I projecting myself onto him a little? Damn. I needed to check that.

"Ah! I… don't really have any experience in combat, or weapons, at all. The most I can do is…" I racked my brains for anything that could even be considered combat-like. I hadn't even shot a gun before. "I can swing a bat…?"

I was expecting to be rebuked or told that didn't count, but Dan Heng just nodded. "That's a good start. You're not the tallest but your build would likely be good for spears. Bows might also be a good fit for you as well but I… don't quite know how experienced March is at teaching."

It took me a second to parse his sentence. His statement about my height would have normally irked me but I recognized what it was he was saying. He was offering tuteluge.

"That- uh. If you're offering to teach me then I'd be delighted. I just-, no offense, but why?" I couldn't help but ask.

Dan Heng didn't seem offended by the question, he even gave me a small smile.

"You're a passenger of the Express which means you're also a part of the friends and family we have here. People are going to worry about you, and you should learn some self-defense to assuage those feelings." He explained.

Oh. That… wasn't really something I was expecting to hear. The matter of fact way he said it made it clear how it was the truth.

"Whenever you're free then… Please teach me some self-defense."

"Of course. We'll plan some things after we settle on our next destination." He told me. "I'm going to get some rest before the meeting, so I'll be off."

Just as quickly as we bumped into each other, he was off.

At that point, I wasn't much surprised that I happened to run into March. The bubbly girl practically jumped my way when she saw me.

"Zenith!" She called, giving me a greeting in a big wave.

"Hi March." I said in return, giving a wave of my own despite the fact that there was hardly any distance between us. It felt a bit awkward, but March's cheerfulness dissolved that away.

"I'm glad I saw you! We need to talk about how little you brought onto the Express!" She exclaimed as if I had done a grave sin.

"I… brought my clothes and a few personal belongings?" I said in confusion.

"And that's exactly it! I know how some people don't bring or have that much, but that's all the more reason to explore new things to try!"

I really wasn't following where she was going. "What sort of new things were you thinking of?"

"Seele told us about how you write, but what about other hobbies? Maybe you want to try out new clothes now that you have access to a wider variety, or maybe you want to pick up a new skill!"

I thought about it a bit, she had a point. "I haven't really thought about it to be honest."

"How about starting with photography then? We can go through photos I took of Belobog and make a scrapbook of the journey together! I even have some pictures of you!" March said happily.

"Of- Of me?" I sputtered. How could I have not noticed?

"Yeah! I always take pictures of the precious memories, and since you're also a part of the Express crew now, that makes pictures of your start even more precious! Just think of it as your origin story!" March exclaimed.

Origin story- I couldn't help the giggle that rose up. "Okay okay. That sounds fun to me then. You're the photography expert so you're going to have to show me how to do things."

"Of course! Leave it to me, March 7th!"

Her cheerfulness was infectious. So much so that I couldn't stop the smile from forming on my face.

"Heh." I snickered.

"There you go!" March said suddenly.

"Huh?"

"You're smiling! You always seem really lost in thought, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay!"

I was speechless at that. I had thought that I did a good job with my poker face to hide how I felt, but for Stelle and March to notice? Did Dan Heng and Himeko also notice? Did… did everyone notice? Or was that simply how I appeared to everyone else? Maybe they didn't notice at all and they simply went out of their way to talk to me?

Because they… already considered me one of them?

My throat felt considerably tight when I went to respond. "T-Thank you." I tried my best to keep the stutter out, but failed still.

"Of course. You'll have a lot of fun on the Express. I promise."

Heh. I knew parts of future events already, but March sounded like she had seen even further than that with how confident she said that.

I sought out Welt myself after meeting with March. I found him in the kitchen cabin, humming along to some tune that was vaguely familiar as he washed the dishes.

"Do you… need some help with that?" I said, alerting him of my presence.

I had the feeling that he was fully aware of me from the start, but he still greeted me warmly. "Hello Zenith. No that won't be needed. I like doing mundane little tasks like these, they're a good way to remind us of the small things in life."

I sort of knew what he meant. It was easy to get lost in emotions, or feelings, or whatever life threw at you. But at the end of the day you always had the small little things such as laundry and dishes to come back to. They might be a pain to do but… when everything else was hectic and chaotic, they were routine.

"I know what you mean." I agreed. "I just wanted to say… Thank you for the warm welcome. I-I apologize if I wasn't the best mannered during lunch."

It was difficult to get the words out, but the more I thought about how everyone talked to me after lunch the more I realized that they weren't just people who I shared space with. They were people that already considered me a friend, or family, or whatever equivalent was in their eyes.

It was just… something I couldn't quite fathom. But the facts were presented before me, and I had to look back on my behavior. I wasn't necessarily rude, but they went out of their way to give me a warm welcome. I needed to show them that I truly did appreciate it.

Welt just smiled at me. I couldn't quite think of him as a friend, or family, just yet, but the care was evident.

"Of course. We're all happy to have another passenger on board." He stopped his work on the dishes as he said this and dried his hands. "Trailblazing is something that is different for everyone, and everyone will have different goals and experiences, but the one thing that is shared between everyone is the journey and will to push forward despite everything else."

I thought about the experiences that I had already been through. The fragmentum, the Stellaron, Cocolia.

"You've been through some experiences already, but now you're a part of the crew, and you'll share this journey with everyone. They'll all have your back, and in turn, you'll eventually have theirs. I don't know what sort of goal you have, or much else about you beyond what I've been told, but just by stepping foot onto the Astral Express you've already demonstrated your will to push forward." Welt continued. "I would even say that you're already a Trailblazer as much as the rest of us."

Oh.

I truly didn't know what to say to that.

It brought things into mind, what I had before, what I have now. What I went through and what I'd be going through still.

"T-Thanks." I stuttered out. I tried my best to ignore how watery it sounded.

"Of course." Welt smiled again, I think, it was difficult to see for some reason. "It'll be some time before we hold our meeting. You should get some rest in your room."

I could recognize the out that he was giving me. "Yeah I'll-um. I'll do that." I managed to get out.

"Take care, Zenith."

I didn't cry. I truly didn't. If my pillow had tear marks on them it was just because I yawned too much. Or- Or- something. It didn't matter.

But I could feel the tightness in my heart, the strings that had been tightened out of necessity, the loosening of chords by the people I was surrounded by.

It felt… nice.

I couldn't remember the last time that I had been surrounded by people who truly cared. I had thought that I had become desensitized to such things, that the thoughts and emotions of people who were essentially strangers didn't matter to me beyond the basic respect that we held for each other as humans.

But maybe… that I was wrong.

It had only been one day, had I… already gotten attached?

I shivered despite the fact that I wasn't cold.

I wanted to go home. I wanted to see my Mom, and visit my Dad. I wanted to talk to my friends again, check on my cats.

But if I was stuck here, if I couldn't go home just quite yet… then I suppose it wasn't the worst feeling.

I was scared to get close. What if I never wanted to leave?

Start: May 9th, 2024.

End: May 10th, 2024

Words: 3164

Technically a filler chapter and not even the original chapter 9 that I had planned. I have the next two chapters entirely written out but I thought… it went a bit too fast and wanted to slow it down. This bridges the gap that I thought was there and gives some much needed look into the entire Crew.

Thanks for sticking with this fic. Penacony was so good.