Severus Snape hated asking the headmaster for help. The last time he did so, he was bound to a lifelong mission of guardianship (not to mention, the headmaster did not keep his side of the promise). But dire times made for dire decisions.
"The Dark Lord, my other master, wishes to have me wed." Severus spoke plainly. "He grows suspicious and believes the fair sex will be able to divulge important information from me through sexual favours."
Minerva, deputy headmistress, and Albus exchanged knowing glances.
"Then you must be wed," Albus suggested. "Have Tom believe that you are in fact spying on one of our Order agents under the guise of marriage."
"Tonks will never agree to it," Minerva reasoned. "And Arabella... she is of a delicate age."
"There is one other female member," Albus said.
All parties paled.
"You don't mean-"
"- I do."
"-she's only a child!"
"Minerva," Albus said slowly. "Do you remember when you asked to borrow the Time Turner for a very special student?"
"Oh but ALBUS!" Minerva prattled, "I cannot dangle that in front of Miss Granger's face!"
"You can and you will for our dear Severus-"
"I am reminding you that she is just a girl, and that it is cruel to demand her to return the favour in this measure!"
"Miss Granger made excellent use of the Time Turner for an entire school year," Albus reasoned. "She was granted a privilege no other student her age was given. Do not think I granted this permission unconditionally. She is also one of the youngest members of the Order of the Phoenix. Furthermore, she is our most gifted student and most skilled witch. To not demand her would be to waste her potential."
Minerva bit her tongue. And Severus stood there like an idiot, like he had no say in the situation. He felt rather like a school boy whose parents were picking out his uniform for him while he modelled it in a dimly lit, mouldy carpeted changing room. Albus and Minerva might as well have said, "turn around for me again. Now bend your knees. Now lift you hands. Oh he'll grow into it."
He'll grow into it, alright.
Severus had no social leverage in the situation. He was not a well liked member of the Order. Doubtful anyone would want to marry him as a personal favour. He also didn't want his reputation burred so deep in the soil after asking someone to marry him so the Dark Lord's bride couldn't fandangle secrets out of him.
Thus it was decided. He'd be married to Hermione Granger, his seventeen his old student.
-x-x-x-
Hermione took the news all too well. She nodded along and gave her word to appear for the ceremony in less than a fortnight's time.
She and Severus exchanged knowing glances and parted on neutral terms.
Ron Weasley and Harry Potter did not take the news so well.
"Oi! You're moving out!" Ron chortled. "You're moving out. You're moving out?!"
"Ronald you're getting on my nerves," Hermione said. "I told you...it's a favour Headmaster Dumbledore. I'll be doing a secret mission for the Order."
"Can I do a secret mission for the Order?" Harry piped in. He'd been dying to get his hands dirty since he's first been sold on the idea by his caution-to-the-wind godfather.
"Not this one," Hermione said. "Unless you fancy spending lots of time with Professor Snape."
No. The boys did not want to do that. They thought Hermione and Snape would be studying potions to poison the Dark Lord's snake or reading books about black magic... something like that. It was best to leave the brains to Hermione and the brawn to themselves. They continued their play-duel in the Common Room.
Hermione did not want to invite them to her wedding. Even she knew better. Besides, this wasn't a real wedding. It was like an undercover agent mission, a partnership formation for the greater good. The more of a secret it was the better.
-x-x-x-
Mrs Weasley and the other members of the Order did not think so. Hermione and the professor came to the Phoenix office for a silent, civil ceremony and saw the entire placed decorated in roses and bows and ribbons. There was a small orchestra playing and chairs set up to face an arc of balloons.
"I specifically asked not to publicize the affair," Severus whispered to Minerva.
"It was all Molly's idea. She said that if the Dark Lord decided to read your memories and saw the wedding as a grand affair, he'd more more sold on the idea of its legitimacy."
"I think I'm going to be sick," said Hermione. She looked into the crowd and saw both Harry and Ron dressed in their Yule Ball suits and looking equally disgusted. She dashed to Dumbledore's personal lavatory before she could make a mess on the white rose-petal carpet.
-x-x-x-
Neither Harry nor Ron had expected this to be Hermione's secret assignment.
"Harry, she's gonna be married to the git!" Ron cried.
"We need to do something," Harry muttered back.
The boys decided to devise a plan.
Step one, ask Hermione. No. Drat! They couldn't do that.
Step two. Step 2? They never had to move to step two until today.
Ron scooted over the chairs and said, "Oh Toonnkkss..."
"No," replied the purple haired witch, making a stone face.
"Come on Tonks, be a lamb!"
"No-"
"I'll pay you fifty galleons!"
"No."
With that, she walked off, but anouther more opportunistic witch slid into the conversation.
"Fifty galleons for what?" asked Ginny Weasley.
Harry paled. "Nothing."
"Doesn't sound like nothing. Spill!"
Ron grumbled. "I'll have you know, I was gonna ask Tonks to marry Snape until you buggered over."
Ginny considered briefly and held our her hand. "Fifty galleons aaaand your signed Gwendolyn Morgan card."
Ron also considered. He did his brother's garden chores for a month to get that Quidditch card.
Harry's mind was quite decided. Pulling his friend behind the chairs he muttered.
"Seriously, you can't marry Ginny off to old Snape!"
"With Ginny gone, I'll get my own room. It's a done deal!"
"But Snape!"
Ron rolled his eyes. "Who do you care about more...Mione or my stupid brat-sister?"
The wheels in Harry's head creaked and dislocated.
"Fine," said Ron to Ginny. "It's a deal!"
They shook on it and Ginny snuck off into the lavatory.
-x-x-x-
Hermione stared at the dress. The dress stared back at Hermione: all one thousand and three pearly beads sewn onto the fabric.
And then came Ginny.
"Mione, I need you to help me get the extra stools from the book room."
Hermione followed Ginny to the small room located just off Dumbledore's personal chambers, rummaged around in the dark and heard the door slam shut behind her. She was stuck, all alone, surrounded by books.
Things could be a lot worse.
-x-x-x-
What was taking everyone so bloody long? Snape paced back and forth under the balloon arch. Albus and Minerva looked not unfazed in the slightest. After all, it wasn't their wedding day.
"We must wait for old Slughorn's friend to Apparate over. He is an official wedding officiant, you know. A professional, and comes highly recommended!" Albus said.
"I hope he makes haste," Minerva said, "because you know what will happen if he does not. I'll have to owl Remus to come officiate. It had been one of his part time gigs you know, before teaching."
Severus blinked. What would be worse than his old school nemesis-turned-werewolf coming to officiate his fake wedding? Very little.
"I will make myself a drink," he muttered and excused himself to the refreshments table. There was a mini bar of course, and Severus helped himself liberally to the Firewhiskey. And then, to some more.
-x-x-x-
"Do you think we did the right thing?" Harry asked, twiddling his thumbs.
Ron was presently stuffing himself with tiny cracker and salmon bites and washing it down with a generous glug of Butterbeer. "Of course! Think of all the sleepovers we'll have now that Ginny's out of the picture. We won't have to wait while she hogs the bathroom and we won't have to share our Honeydukes snacks with her and we won't have to watch stupid girl movies like "Notting Hill."
Harry sighed. He really didn't mind waiting for the bathroom and quite liked Notting Hill. As for the snacks, their appeal lost their lustre now that Ginny would no longer be willing to share a packet of Bernie Botts with him.
-x-x-x-
Ginny pulled the dress over her head and adjusted the veil. She much preferred sweats and an old tee.
She did love galleons and the prospect of a Quidditch card to complete her collection. She wondered very briefly if matrimony was a fair exchange for Gwendolyn Morgan's flawless signature. She couldn't quite picture matrimony. Gwendolyn Morgan, on the other hand, she could.
But this dress would be the end of her. She itched and scratch and lifted the bodice part off her boobs. Gods, it was the worst. And the little pearls on the front dug into her skin like crazy.
It was a good trade-off. Right?
-x-x-x-
Remus Lupin walked through the door of the Phoenix office. He was never before seen it in such a state.
He didn't know why the Order went all out to decorate for Severus' fake wedding. Roses, tablecloths, hors d'ouevres, and a live band...it had to have cost hundreds of galleons! What folly!
There were better ways to spend the money. What if one of Dumbeldore's old friends was running short on money because of his medical condition and needed a place to stay until he could find a proper job? And what if that very friend was told there was no budget?
It struck a nerve with him, the hypothetical friend being...well...him.
"Oh Remus, you're just in time!" Tonks slid over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "The black bat has left its perch. I repeat, the black bat has left the perch."
They looked at Snivellus and laughed.
Thank Merlin for Tonks, Remus thought, she always did know how to cheer him up.
-x-x-x-
Severus managed to find his way to the balloon arch once again. The balloons in his absence had doubled and were swimming before him eyes. His old nemesis Remus was standing at the front, tattered suit and all.
Severus laughed. He had gotten married first. And Remus didn't. Ha! Ha! He won the game of life for sure.
Remus stared back at him, quirking a brow. He didn't know why Severus was grinning like a baboon. He thought it must be wedding jitters.
-x-x-x-
Hermione had already finished half of a fascinating book on Shape Shifters when her candle burned down. Drat, she thought, things could be better!
If she got back to the wedding and gotten on with the marriage portion, she could finish the second half during the reception. Surely Professor Snape wouldn't mind her studying on their wedding night?
She charmed open the door and stepped on out.
The dress in the lavatory was gone. So was Ginny.
Hermione's hair frizzled up.
Oh...no...
-x-x-x-
Ginny was halfway down the isle when the dress began to bite her from every possible angle. When she stood still in the lavatory, it was still tolerable. Now she was dying to take it off and burn it to ashes.
"I can't do this anymore!" she cried.
A gasp ran through the crowd.
Ginny began to paw at her dress, clawing at the seams and ripping it off her body.
-x-x-x-
Dumbledore's eyes widened. The bride was about to run away. This could not be good for his dear boy Severus.
"Minerva we must control the girl's nerves," he cried. "Quickly!"
They ran to Miss Granger's sides, hoisted her up and dragged her to the altar. Miss Granger put up a good fight: kicking and squealing and punching them.
Those are the movements of a beast! Minerva thought. I must ask Hermione to try-out for the Quidditch team next term!
Hermione had been placed in position. Remus Lupin began his introduction. Minerva made mad hand movements.
Ah, Remus thought, she wants the Wedding Express package.
He sped up his voice.
Minerva's movements grew more dire.
Remus sighed. Shot-wand wedding it is.
-x-x-x-
Hermione rushed into the office, late to her own wedding. She saw Snape. She saw herself in the wedding gown. She heard Remus Lupin say, "If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever be silenced."
Hermione piped up. "I object!"
Everyone turned to face her. If Hermione was getting married, what was she doing at the end of the aisle?
Better question yet, what was she doing there in her bloomers.
Remus flipped madly through the pages of "Wizard Weddings: A complete guide for Dunderheads". There was no chapter on 'objections' in the 'Shot-wand wedding' chapter.
Hermione seized the opportunity to run up to the balloon altar and state her claim.
"I object! I was supposed to marry Professor Snape."
The veiled Hermione laughed. "No, I'm supposed to marry him."
"Oh yeah?" Hermione fumed and began to think of all the reasons why she was much more clever and capable of Dumbledore's secret mission than this imposter. The imposter had only one counter argument.
"Ron promised me a Gwendolyn Morgan card and fifty galleons! So there! I'm marrying him and that's that!"
-x-x-x-
When Severus Snape was in his fourth year at Hogwarts, he asked Janice Parkinson to be his date to the Yule Ball. Janice said, verbatim, "I'd rather puke up slugs, eat them again, and puke them up again."
Wherever life had taken Janice now, there ought to be an abundance of slugs.
Severus was standing before two witches who were all but clawing each others' eyes out for his hand in marriage. The Gods had smiled in his general direction. He should pass on the favour.
"There is only one witch I will be wed to, and her name is Miss Hermione Granger," he decided.
The witches looked at each other and the veiled one tore off her covering and exclaimed, "whatever! This dress is too itchy for me to care!" and stormed off.
Miss Granger, the real Miss Granger took her rightful place by his side.
"Hello," she said meekly.
"Good afternoon," he replied.
"Shall we?"
"Not like that she won't!" Nymphadora Tonks marched straight up to the balloon altar, whipped out her wand and Transfigured Hermione's bloomers into a simple, white gown that hit just above the ankle and gave her two tasteful white sneakers to match.
She bumped Hermione's shoulder and whispered, "I got you! Girl to girl."
She turned to Snape, her voice dropping down an octave. "One word about a wedding night, and I'll be knocking down your door. Trust me, you don't want that," she warned.
Snape harrumphed. Obviously there would be no wedding night. He wasn't a complete leer.
Lupin cleared his throat and continued 'Shot-wand wedding' as per the planned program. At the end of it, Severus and Hermione shared a chaste butterfly kiss and all parties rose and clapped.
Ginny ripped off the final bits of her wedding dress and howled the loudest, swinging it over her head and tossing it into the air like a firstie at the end of year feast.
"We'll cut that out of the Wedding Pensieve." Minerva shuddered.
"And perhaps the portion where Miss Granger came out in her bloomers," Albus added in.
When the Firewhiskey rose up in Severus' throat and he threw up over the rose petal carpet, Minerva added, "Come to think of it, perhaps we should scrap the entire wedding altogether."
That was a marvellous idea.