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Chapter 4 :: Healing & Hysteria
Rachel and Finn sat on her kitchen floor wrapped around each other for what seemed like hours. He didn't want to let her go and wouldn't stop apologizing to her. She held him while he cried and he did the same for her.
For all the worst-case scenarios he'd imagined that could have led up to that phone call, something like this was never even on his radar. He was still reeling from the nightmare of hers that had just become his now, too.
His girl, his Rachel had been raped.
That sickening word alone, the indignation of the act, the emotional pain and scars that surely had to be connected to it, but mostly, the things it took away from her (her ability to trust, her sense of safety and self-worth) – it filled him with a fury and a desire to make Brody Weston feel his wrath in ways that sort of scared him to think about.
He's never been a terribly violent guy – save a couple of teenaged hot-headed outbursts (all justifiable reactions to some other douchebag's assholish behavior, in his opinion) – but he honestly thinks he could be capable of ending a man's – no, Rachel said it right – a monster's life for perpetrating an act as heinous as this against someone as tiny and vulnerable as Rachel Berry. Oh god, he was sure he was gonna be sick again.
He found himself thinking how cool it would be if Brody had a run-in with the likes of Dexter Morgan or Hannibal Lecter. The images in his mind of Brody's body (neatly wrapped in a dozen or more separate black trash bags) being chucked off a boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, or the fucker being served his own brains for dinner gave Finn an evil inner satisfaction that totally freaked him out.
He decided he needed to get off that train of thought immediately and just focus on the tiny brunette still quivering in his arms right now.
No matter how many ways she explained all the things her therapist had drilled into her over the past year about this not being anyone's fault but Brody's, Finn didn't want to accept it. He'd come here to New York, beat the hell outta the guy, and the guy then turned his rage on Rachel. How was that a coincidence? How does Finn not play a part in what happened to her?
On some level, he knew Rachel was right; Brody was the monster who made his own choices, and nothing either of them had done or not done justified Brody's actions. But that doesn't change the facts; things happened in a very specific order that led Finn and Rachel to where they were now, sitting in a miserable heap in tears on her kitchen floor. He felt responsible for this and he hated himself for ever putting her on that train alone two years ago, more now than ever before.
The only silver lining in any of this at the moment – apart from the fact that Rachel was finally willing to reconnect with him – was the existence of the most adorable little boy he'd ever seen with his mother's thick head of hair and big brown eyes. Camden. Camden Berry.
Finn would've done or given anything to have been with Rachel through the pregnancy and the birth, to have helped in caring for Camden up until this point. Obviously, he can't turn back the clock; he can only move forward with her now – the three of them can only move forward together. He hopes that's what Rachel wants because at this point he's certain he can't walk away. He won't.
He'd never even allowed himself to consider a baby being involved in Rachel's secret until Puck had brought it up in jest. Now that Finn knows everything and has seen this child with his own eyes, has seen how much Rachel he is, there's nothing that can stop him from falling in love with that little boy.
Finn decided in the length of time they'd been sitting on that floor, it simply didn't matter who genetically created him; this was Rachel's baby, and if she'd let him, he'd love him as his own, no matter whose DNA was involved.
They had a little more discussion on the exact timeline of events of her attack. They talked more about Camden's birth too. Based on his birth weight, she may have been a few weeks early or right on time – her doctor couldn't say for sure since he was a little small, weighing in at 6lbs 2oz. He may have followed Rachel's genetics, or he may have been a preemie. Carole had once shared with Rachel that Finn was a whopping 9lbs 7oz, so of course Rachel expected any child of his would have been much bigger, unless maybe he was born early?
Her labor had started Halloween night and lasted fifteen hours, but she wasn't due for another three weeks, so deciding who was more likely to be the father strictly based on timing was a coin toss under the circumstances without a paternity test.
Rachel saw the slight anguish in Finn's eyes as she provided all those facts, but then she quickly explained the reasons why she never wanted a paternity test done.
For starters, there was no way in hell she wanted Brody to know that Cam even existed let alone the possibility that he could be the father. The only way to positively confirm paternity would be a DNA test, which meant contacting Brody, and that was another thing there was no chance in hell she ever intended to do again.
More importantly, she just didn't want to know. She was simply happier believing that Finn was (or at least could be) Camden's biological father. She knew that by process of elimination she could verify paternity, and that Finn would surely be tested if she asked him. But if it turned out that Finn wasn't his father, she just didn't want to think about it.
Of course, she would never hold the child responsible for his (potential) father's cruelty; it just made her FEEL better believing that nothing in her life or her child's life could ever be connected to that vile excuse for a human being.
In her perfect daydreams, Rachel always hoped that one day she and Finn would find their way back to one another, and when they did, Finn would become part of Cam's life, essentially making him Cam's daddy anyway – assuming that's what he wanted. So as far as Rachel was concerned, genetics were irrelevant. Finn seemed to understand and accept all her reasoning; he couldn't fault her for feeling the way she did.
She also explained her diagnosed post-traumatic stress, anxiety and clinical depression – all conditions she'd suffered since the attack. She told him how she'd been in therapy ever since, but that she was doing much better now, especially since Finn had reentered her life.
As she sat in his lap with her head laid against his shoulder, he stroked her hair gently and murmured into the top of her hair. "I'm sorry for overreacting and upsetting you so much at first, Rach... And um, I'll disinfect your kitchen sink. Sorry about that too."
She managed a small smile and turned to place a hand against his cheek. "You don't need to be sorry. It was a lot to take in. Santana was right though; I should have told you about this from the beginning. I'm just so sorry I couldn't explain any of it to you sooner. I was so scared, partly because what if you would've done something stupid and got yourself into big trouble, but also..."
"What baby, what else were you afraid of?"
Her quiet weeping strangled her voice as she forced the rest of the words out. "I-I was worried maybe you'd think I was too damaged, too broken... unfixable. I know it's not," she paused to swallow thickly "it's not reasonable to think you'd feel that way, b-but I was so afraid you'd just not want to be part of my life anymore. Especially with a baby who might not be yours."
He gently held her wrist as he rubbed his thumb over her pulse point and spoke soothingly to her. "Hey. NEVER. I'd never not want to be in your life." He moved to cradle her face in his large hands so he could have direct eye contact; he needed her to understand the depth of his commitment.
"Baby, I know you have like, abandonment issues or whatever thanks to Shelby, but I'm afraid you're kinda stuck with me forever now, Rach." He smiled that crooked smile that made her knees turn to jelly and she lost herself in the golden amber flecks in his eyes as he continued pouring out his heart. "I know we've had a rocky history but the love has always been there. And we may not have legally taken those vows yet, but I'm certain we will, and I already live by them every day; for better, for worse, sicker, poorer, through cold shoulders, crazy diva rants and storm-outs..." he felt her body tremor under his touch with soft giggles. "Baby I'm all in for the whole shebang. I'm yours. So you don't be sorry either. And you quit with these crazy fears about losing me, or thinking nonsensical stuff like me not wanting you, 'cause it's never gonna happen, okay?"
She nodded as he brushed her tears away with his thumbs and tenderly kissed her forehead. "I love you, Rachel, always. You and all your crazy and every version of you. And I get it. I get why you felt you couldn't tell me all this stuff, and I don't hold it against you. I'm not even the slightest bit mad at you, so don't even let that idea cross your mind."
He tested the waters, slowly leaning in for a kiss and when she didn't back away he pressed his lips against hers softly, without deepening it. Given everything she'd been through, some part of him seemed to know he was going to have to follow her lead for a long time when it came to the physical stuff between them (not that he didn't usually do that anyway). The kiss was short but he hoped it sealed a promise that he meant everything he'd just said.
She snuggled deeper into his arms, nestling her face in the crook of his neck and sighed. After a few minutes holding her that way, he whispered "Do you think we can move this to the sofa? My ass is freezing and going numb on this floor." She belly laughed and stood up, holding a hand out to him (as if her tiny build had any hope of moving his giant frame – but he took it anyway, y'know, just to humor her).
They settled onto the sofa and she curled into his side as perfect a fit as ever. He didn't mention how he noticed the way she seemed to either keep her hand or her ear on his chest, close to his heart at all times, and it made him smile a little. He remembered her telling him more than once how the sound of his heartbeat soothed her, and it felt good to know he could still give her that little bit of comfort.
After a little more talk about her injuries and recovery as well as her therapy sessions and the progress she was making, Finn decided he needed to know more about the status and whereabouts of one Mr Dead Man Walking Weston.
"So uh, you said he's in jail. What's happening with that?"
"Well... Yes, he was arrested, almost immediately. I guess, um, it was Cassandra July of all people who found me in the changing room."
"Seriously, your evil dance instructor? He was her TA too, right?"
"Yeah, but that same day, after I'd gone to break up with him, I'd heard they'd just had some sort of falling out, so I'm not sure if she had him replaced or exactly what happened – I never had the chance to ask. I suppose it's possible she found out about his dirty little secret side job, although I certainly never told her or anyone else at school about it. I can't speak for Kurt or San though."
"Oh shit. Yeah, I guess he woulda been in pretty deep if NYADA learned about that too. I'm sure they wouldn't have been any too happy having a known prostitute as a teaching assistant or an alumnus."
"No, I'm sure they wouldn't; he would have likely been expelled for breach of ethical conduct. I-I could have turned him in myself. I chose not to; I figured cutting ties with him quick and clean was the best choice for me instead. Maybe if I had..."
Hearing the regret and guilt in her voice, Finn tipped her chin up to look at him. "Rach, don't. You said it yourself, he's the monster; he made his own choices. Nothing you did or didn't do caused him to do this. And thinking about it, maybe if you HAD turned him in, things could've been even..." He cringed at the thought, but Rachel finished his sentence for him.
"Worse. I know. I just can't help but wonder sometimes. Anyway... I guess a few witnesses had seen him leave the changing room right before Cassandra found me. I was aware enough to confirm he was there and he was responsible for the state I was in, although I don't remember what I said to anyone at the time. I only know what people told me I said sometime later on. And I didn't know the full extent of what happened to-to me at that point either. It was as if my mind shut down, probably even during the attack to shield me from the trauma I guess, or so my therapist says. So Cassandra is the one who called 911. And I didn't know it then, but she also went to the hospital with me and she's the one who called Santana."
"So he was arrested. How long will he be in jail?"
She sighed and sat up a little straighter clearing her throat. "That's the thing. He was arrested, charged with felony sexual assault and half a dozen other things, arraigned, and they set his bond very high – high enough that so far he hasn't been able to raise the bail money, which is why he's still in there now. They're supposed to let me know if and when he makes bail...
"But, Finn, he's planning to fight this – which very likely means a trial. I'll have to testify in open court – unless my attorney can fight that and let me offer testimony by deposition alone, or unless he changes his plea to guilty, which I highly doubt he will do. The final option is that I agree to some lesser charges to avoid a public spectacle, some plea arrangement. I don't know what to do, but I know the idea of sitting in open court in front of a judge, in front of HIM and having to tell my story to the world like that terrifies me. It might be easier to let him make a plea deal. I just..."
Finn wanted to apologize again but he knew unloading his sadness and guilt wouldn't help her. Instead, he offered her what he could – strength and support.
"Baby, no... You can't let him plead down to a lesser charge. If it comes to you having to testify, you won't do it alone. I'll be there for you, with you, every step of the way. I wasn't there before, but I'm here now. I'm sure San will be there too, every step of the way. You're not going through this alone, not anymore. I promise."
"Thank you. It means so much to me that you'd be willing to do that. And um, Finn... There's something else I wanna ask you, maybe something more important. You can say no, but I hope you'll consider it."
"Rachel anything I can do for you, the answer is yes."
She smiled sweetly and moved to face him, taking both his hands in hers. "Okay. I know this was a life-changing event, not just for me, but for you as well, for us." He could feel her hands gripping his tighter as if gathering strength. "In my last few therapy sessions, we talked a lot about you and our relationship... and, well, I told my therapist it might be helpful if you came in with me, at least once or twice. He agreed it could help us both in coping with this situation. Finn, I really would like for you to come to a session with me. At least one. Would you be willing to do that?"
"I'd do anything for you, Rach," he couldn't get the words out fast enough, "Anything. Especially if it helps you heal, or helps us reconnect. And I think you're right. It probably would be a good idea for me to go with you." He thought for a minute and hesitated to ask the one last burning question that tickled his brain. For a moment he thought maybe he should hold it for therapy, but he felt like he really needed to know now.
"Rach, there is something I wanna ask you, but please don't take it wrong, because I'm not accusing you of anything or whatever... but, like, how was it even possible you got pregnant at all? I mean, I know we didn't use protection that night at the hotel, but you said you were still on the pill. Did you stop taking it, or..."
"Oh. N-no. I-I was still taking birth control pills, yes, but you see, I'd gotten sick the week before Mr Schuester's wedding and had been taking antibiotics, mostly as a precaution. You know how I'm prone to tonsillitis and I didn't want to take chances with my voice – especially with Funny Girl auditions looming so near. So they gave me some pretty strong meds. I never even thought about it, but they usually issue a warning that antibiotics could counteract the effects of birth control pills. I suppose that's what happened, because I'm fairly sure I never forgot to take any of my pills, and you know how rigid my daily routines are."
"Yeah, I do. And yeah, now that you mention it, I've heard that before too, about antibiotics, but I wouldn't have ever thought of that either."
"I should add, even my OB reminded me that the pill is not 100% guaranteed to prevent pregnancy; so while the medicine I was taking may have had something to do with it, there is a possibility that the pill just failed me for whatever reason."
Finn simply nodded, but he got distracted by another thought had occurred to him while they'd been talking, and since she brought it up... "This... this happened before Funny Girl, didn't it." A tear slipped down her cheek and she nodded. "You didn't make it to the callback."
It wasn't a question and she knew it, then the dam broke open on her tears again. "I'm s-so sorry Finn. I feel like I let you down... you must be so disappointed in me."
"Rachel! God baby, NO! Y-you were fucking attacked, I mean of course you couldn't..." he had to stop and breathe to compose himself. "You could never let me down, babe, especially not over something like this. And I'm so sorry that bastard took that opportunity away from you, but there will be others. Who knows, you could even still have a shot at Fanny again before the show's run is over."
She chose not to respond to his last comment. She hadn't yet explained that as far as she was concerned, Broadway was no longer a viable career option for her. If he wasn't disappointed in her missing the callback, he was sure to be crushed to learn that. After all he went through to help her on her road to stardom, she felt like it was a slap in his face and to all the sacrifices they'd both made in their relationship, but her heart just wasn't in it anymore. Plus, she had other priorities to consider now (and for the next eighteen years).
Since their dinner plans had obviously changed, when she heard the rumble of Finn's stomach she suggested they order in some Chinese. Finn of course paid when the delivery arrived. While he poured them some iced tea and took care of setting up their meal, Rachel changed into yoga pants and an old well worn blue McKinley Athletics tee-shirt (men's size XXL that fit her more like a dress). They spent the remainder of the evening curled up on the couch together enjoying their food and continuing their talk about the missing sixteen months between them.
As she stole one of his fried veggie dumplings, he ventured a question to which he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. "So Rach, does anyone else know about all of this, and especially about the baby? Apart from Santana, I mean. Do your dads know? Does Kurt?"
"No. You and San are the only ones."
"Soo... nobody else knows that Camden even exists?"
"No," she whispered guiltily.
"Oh, Rach. You mean you've been doing ALL of this all on your own for this long? Baby, why? Why didn't you at least tell your dads if not me?"
"I-I just couldn't, Finn! I knew they were leaving on that year-long European cruise for their twentieth anniversary – something they'd planned on and saved up to do for years. If they'd known, they certainly would've canceled their trip."
"Rachel, we both know Hiram and Leroy would have much rather been with their DAUGHTER, considering..."
"Considering what? What good could it have possibly done? There's NOTHING they could've done to help me, Finn, nothing. And I, I-I couldn't bear the thought of how they'd feel or even how they'd look at me. They'd be so broken, so traumatized, so disappointed, so hurt – just like the look I saw on your face when you found out, only maybe worse." He winced at those words, but she wasn't done.
"Back then, right after it happened, there is NO WAY I could've handled seeing that look from them – or from you. Especially from you. At the time, I felt so, so dirty, so worthless. I was shattered, Finn. Shattered in ways I didn't even know was possible. I wasn't myself for a long time, Finn; I didn't even feel HUMAN most of the time. And I'd already dropped out of NYADA, so on top of everything else, seeing my dads mourn the loss of my career, I just... No, I couldn't do it."
"Whoa hold on – you dropped out of school? But Rach, th-that's your dream... why—"
"Dreams change, Finn. Dreams die," she fired back flatly without looking at him.
When she finally peeked up at his prolonged silence, the look on his face spoke volumes to her. She was pretty sure he was fuming but also trying to rein in his anger, and when he spoke his words reinforced his expression.
"No. Not your dreams. Maybe that bastard took some things from you that night – things I'm certain you WILL get back in time – but the fuck if I'm gonna let him take THAT away from you. You can always go back, right? To school? They'd surely understand your situation and let you re-enroll..."
"Finn, I can't even consider school right now! Look at me! My life is a mess. I'm only twenty years old and I've got my hands full already, working and supporting a child and... and mentally I'm just not prepared for the rigors of a program as intense as that! N-not to mention, the ghosts that follow me are everywhere there. Most importantly though, Cam needs me; I'm a mother now and that is the life I need to focus on. I can't, Finn, I just can't."
His heart ached for her, for what she'd gone through and what that son of a bitch had taken from her. It was clear that so many demons were haunting her and she was still trying to get past them or find a way to combat them.
"Rach," he began slowly, carefully choosing what to say next. "Okay. I can understand not wanting to return to a place that's full of bad memories. But... but I still know who YOU are. You might feel like he took that away from you, but you are still Rachel Barbra Berry, and your dreams are bigger than that; bigger than some asshole who tried to destroy you. I should know, I was one of them once upon a time." She tried to protest but he cut her off. "Maybe now isn't the right time, and maybe NYADA isn't even the right place anymore, but I'm not letting you forget who you are; I refuse to allow you to let your dreams die."
"Finn... I just can't anymore, okay? I don't even know i-if I'd have ever made it here, even if this hadn't happened to me. In Lima, I was a big fish in a little pond. Here I was just—"
"Learning to swim with the sharks in the ocean. I understand, seriously. But Rach, your talent is too immense to keep it hidden. And look, you already had a callback for Fanny. FANNY, Rach! That's, that's like making it to the damn Superbowl, whether you won or not! And I may not fully understand what's happened to you, emotionally or whatever, but I DO know he cannot take away your talent. Nobody can. You ARE a star, Rachel. I don't expect you to just try going back to school right now, or, or even start auditioning any time soon, but I hope you'll try to remember who you are. Because I'm not gonna let you forget."
She pulled him in for a tight hug as rivulets of tears spilled from her eyes. Finn sighed and hugged her back, holding her tightly against his muscular chest, burying his face in her hair. "Your talent is too big, Rach. It's too much to keep secret for too long. I believe in you, Rachel. I'll always believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. I'll be strong for you when you're weak. I'll be your courage when you're afraid. YOU ARE A STAR. And I'll remind you every single day if I have to until you get your Rachel Berry much-ness back."
He heard her sniffle a laugh into his shoulder. "Did you just use an Alice In Wonderland reference, Finn?"
He drew back and looked sincerely at her as he recited: "You're not the same as you were before. You were much more… muchier. You may have lost your muchness – for now..." he leaned in and whispered in her ear, "...but I'm gonna help you get it back."
She beamed a megawatt smile through her tears and pressed a kiss into his stubbled cheek then whispered back, "I love you to the moon and stars, Finn Hudson."
"You ARE the stars... and I love you more, Rachel Berry."
As he continued cradling her in his tight embrace, everything she'd been telling him was really sinking in. He just couldn't help his unsettled feelings of regret. If he'd done SO MANY things differently this wouldn't have ever happened to her, and she'd probably be on stage as Fanny Brice right now.
More and more, he's thinking her idea of him coming to therapy with her sounds like a good thing, because he already knows once he's left alone to fester in these thoughts, the guilt is gonna consume him and he's gonna lose it. Right now it's taking everything he has to hold his tears at bay. He already had his moment of weakness when he first learned the truth, now he needs to man up and stay strong for her; his tears and guilt weren't gonna be of any use to her.
Part of manning up was gonna mean lending a big chunk of his strength to the next thing he said to her.
"One more thing Rach. Don't you think your dads would at least like to know they have a grandson?"
She was quiet. Too quiet in fact, as she stared down at her lap and fiddled with a small string on the hem of his extra large tee-shirt hanging from her extra small body. He tried again. "Rach, they love you. They'll understand, just like I do. Yeah, they might need a minute to adjust or whatever, but... wouldn't you feel better if they knew? If they could be part of your life and Camden's?"
"Of course I would, but.. Oh Finn, they're going to HATE me for not telling them for so long! It's been too long now and I know I should've said something sooner, at least when he was first born, but by then they were on their cruise and–"
"Babe, you're panicking and you need to calm down. They are your parents. You're a mom now, so maybe you will understand when I say, there's NOTHING you can do that they won't forgive. And if you want, I can be there with you when you tell them."
"I know. I know you're right, Finn. I know I'm just being irrationally scared again. But I can't tell them while they're on their trip. I won't do that to them. They should be back in a few more weeks. We can tell them when they're home... and it's not a phone call kind of announcement."
He smiled and traced a finger down the hollow of her cheek. "So I guess that means going back to Lima."
She smiled back and held his wrist. "Thank you for offering to be with me, I think that would help very much." She wrapped her arms around his middle and held herself tightly against him.
"Rach, I'll support you anyway I can. I just, dammit I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this stuff alone for so long. I wish I could've been... whatever. That all changes now, you won't be alone in this anymore."
She sniffled as she pulled away from their embrace, leaning on the edge of the sofa to reach for some tissues and to blow her nose. "I wasn't all alone you know, Finn. Sanny was there, the whole time. You can't begin to know what a savior she turned out to be."
He chuckled softly and pulled a face, checking hers to be sure she wasn't joking. "Santana. Santana Lopez. The same one we went to high school with and who tried to destroy us?"
Rachel giggled a more genuine laugh than he'd heard from her up until that point. "I know, believe me. If anyone would have told me five or six years ago –even three years ago – that THE Santana Lopez was going to end up becoming my sister from another mister and one of the best friends I'd ever have in life, I would have tried to have that person committed to the nearest insane asylum.
"But Finn, seriously, she was amazing. She was my sanity when I felt like I had none. She was my fight when I lost all hope. She dealt with the hospital, the police, and my school... She came to every OB appointment and Lamaze class, shopped for and helped decorate the nursery, and was there for the birth. She's come with us to all the pediatrician visits, and pushed me into therapy. Honestly, she's been my saving grace. If I lived a hundred lifetimes I couldn't ever repay her for what she's done for me – for both of us, me and Cam – in the last year and a half."
A sick, guilty pang twisted around his heart; he knew it was irrational to envy Santana for being there, but dammit he'd so much rather it'd been him doing all those things for her. Being her constant reliable rock; that was supposed to be HIS job. "Well. Remind me to put her on every holiday gift list and birthday list for, like, eternity. As much as I wish it was me who was there for all of that, I'm glad you had her."
Rachel ran a hand down his arm affectionately. "Me too. And Finn, I know you would have been amazing too, but – and I know this may sound crazy but try to understand, I wasn't me; I was a ghost of who I once was. I couldn't get out of bed. I wouldn't eat. She bathed me, force fed me... Sanny, she saw what I was turning into, and she – and I mean almost literally – kicked my ass every day about it. She used to say 'you're not fading out on me Berry, your ego is too big to flame out like this! Donkey boy doesn't get to win, now get off your ass!'' I guess in her own unique Santana way, she nursed me back from the dead really, because that's what I felt like for a long time."
Rachel's voice dropped to nearly a whisper and her eyes focused on her fingers which Finn was fidgeting with in her lap. "I... I-I seriously thought about aborting it, you know. The thought of carrying him to term, then giving him up, well, you know my feelings on adoption. I'd never want my child to grow up thinking his mother didn't want him. But I was in no state of mind to be thinking of myself as anyone's mother, much less a mother to.. potentially the child of a monster."
Finn pulled her back into his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He chewed the inside of his cheek, again choosing his words carefully. It was pretty clear she was still quite fragile and he certainly didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset her any further.
"I-if you had chosen, y'know, to opt out of the pregnancy, I think everyone would've understood – assuming you ever told anyone about it. I know I would have understood – especially knowing everything that I do now." He felt her muscles tense against him and rubbed soothing circles along her lower back. "But babe... What uh, what made you change your mind and decide to keep the baby?"
She turned her red-rimmed doe eyes up to look at him with so much sincerity radiating from them. "You. Because what if he really is yours?"
His breath hitched in his throat, overwhelmed by emotion. "I'm gonna kiss you now Rach, okay?"
She giggled at his turn of her 'I'm gonna hug you' phrase and nodded. His kiss was soft and gentle and healing. She reciprocated, this time parting her lips and allowing their tongues to explore and refamiliarize old territory. The deeper the kiss, the more Rachel felt like pieces of her old self were blossoming again.
She always knew how good Finn made her feel, but she was genuinely surprised at the power his kisses alone held in this moment. All the pain, regret, hate and fear that she's carried with her for the last year and a half seemed to be fading to nothing by the power of his soft lips. If she'd known what an easy remedy the simple act of kissing Finn Hudson was, she would've run straight to Ohio to find him back then.
"I love you. You know that right? I love you so much, Rachel. I always have, and that's never gonna change."
She smiled softly against his lips. "I do know.. And I love you too. I never stopped, not for one second. I may have said or done otherwise, but I never wanted us to be apart. I've missed you, more than you know. And I'm so grateful you never gave up on me. On us. Even after that horrible phone call. I'm so proud of you for finding your way here. I know you did it partly for us, yeah, but I'm proud that you did it for yourself too. I never wanted you to only have half a dream come true either."
As he lazily stroked his fingertips up and down the length of her back, the question was begging to be asked. He thought maybe he should hold back, but he couldn't help himself. "Sooo... I don't know how the timing works with your take-it-slow plan – and I'm not trying to rush you or anything – but, can we say that we're officially a couple again? I mean we can still take everything as slow as you need, I just... I desperately wanna call you my girlfriend again, more than anything, Rach. Actually, I want so much more than that, but I'll settle for girlfriend for now. If you're ready. I'll understand if you're not and I'm still not going anywhere, but I had to ask."
She studied his eyes for a beat and placed her small hand on his jaw, smoothing her thumb over his cheek. "Didn't you already declare that I'm still your girlfriend, always? No matter where I'm living or who I'm shacked up with - quote-unquote?"
His smile stretched from ear to ear. "Well yeah, but I didn't wanna be presumptuous..."
Her eyes shined as they studied his. For the first time in a long time, she was starting to feel something she thought she'd never get back: hope.
"Well okay then. I do still think we should take things slow, but... I would be quite honored to resume my official title as your girlfriend – just as long as you realize what you're getting yourself into. I'm part of a package deal now, you know."
He slid his palm up the column of her neck and sank his fingers into her hair as she leaned into his touch. "Rachel Berry, I've seen babies with you in my future since that damn kiss on a picnic blanket in an auditorium back in Ohio. Why the hell do you think I was so scared of you? What normal sixteen year old dude sits around daydreaming about being a dad and raising babies with a girl he barely knows? And that happened BEFORE Quinn turned up pregnant."
She giggled loudly and slapped his thigh playfully. "Stop it, you did not daydream about having babies with me that soon!"
He grinned sweetly. "I swear to you, I really did. You were under my skin and in my heart so fast, it was like some kind of witchcraft or something." She belly laughed and couldn't stop. "Why is that so funny? I'm being totally serious here, baring my soul and telling you my embarrassing secrets and you're just laughing at me." He chuckled, poking her playfully in the side.
"I'm sorry Finn, I'm not laughing at you, it's just, you were SIXTEEN! Even I couldn't have dreamed THAT BIG with you or anyone yet. I couldn't have known what we'd become, and as you said, we didn't know each other that well, at least not at that time."
"Yeah well, you know how you always said how sure you were about your talent? Well, that's how sure I was that you were my destiny. I mean yeah, I fought it for a long time. I thought I was cracked in the head. I didn't understand why I was so drawn to you from like, even before my very first virgin Cosmo," she giggled more but listened contentedly. "All the times I screwed up in those first couple years, I've come to realize it was just me figuring out and accepting the fact that you were my soulmate."
"You really felt that strongly about me from the start?"
He brushed a few stray hairs back from her face. "I can't even explain it to you, but yeah... I'd never lie to you babe, not about this. Not about us. And uh, if I haven't made myself crystal clear yet, of course I know you and Camden are a package deal. I wouldn't have it any other way... and I can't wait to get to know him. I just hope he likes me."
She sat up straight and looked at him with watery eyes. This amazing, loving, incredible man of hers, how the HELL did she ever think she could live without him? (And if she was being completely honest, she really wasn't living; surviving maybe, but not truly living.)
She placed a sweet peck on his lips and stated simply, "If he's anything like his mama he's gonna LOVE you. Because his mama is crazy about you, so I know he will be too."
"I hope so because I'm kinda crazy about his crazy mama." He pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "So, does this mean we're official again?"
She batted her lashes flirtatiously and grinned. "You haven't asked me yet, so, I don't know, does it?"
The right corner of his mouth pulled up in a glorious half smile, the one that shows off that beautiful dimple she loves so much. "Rachel Berry, will you be my girlfriend?"
"Yes Finn Hudson, I would love to be your girlfriend."
. . . . .
"So you and Stretch are on again? And you told him EVERYTHING, right?"
"Yes San, we are officially back together, but we're taking things slow. And I did, I promise, I told him everything."
"Everything. Like everything everything, not just the broad strokes?"
"Well I told him as much as I could think of last night and I answered all of his questions. I'm sure there are some details left to mention and when I think of them, I'll tell him, but it's not like I'm keeping anything from him anymore. But yes, he knows what happened and what's yet to come with the possibility of the trial. And before you ask, YES I explained about Cam's paternity and my decision on the matter."
"Good. So no more secrets. Gracias a Dios! I don't have to walk around with your Hobbit Gag Order filtering everything I say anymore. Excellent, and about fucking time!"
Rachel rolled her eyes. "You're incorrigible sometimes."
"Maybe," she shrugged, "But you love me anyway 'cause I keep it real."
Santana winked and turned to scoop Cam up from his playpen. "Isn't that right mi pequeña pepita? And right now I think I'ma keep this chicken wing real and take him out for a stroll in the park while his mami hits the shower... because she smells like s-e-x, doesn't she bebé niño baya?"
"SANTANA! Stop saying things like that in front of him! I swear he's going to be the only bi-lingual child in preschool who only speaks in PROFANITIES. And anyway, I do NOT smell like, like THAT! We did no such thing last night! We just talked... it's far too soon for that sort of... in-intimacy."
One perfectly sculpted eyebrow cocked up on Santana's face. "Mmmhmm. Well, okay maybe you didn't actually do the deed yet but you were secreting, I can smell it all over you. So go. Go wash off your Finnamones."
"Will you stop already! There was no 'secreting' either, by anyone... I'm nowhere near ready to take those steps again yet, and you know this. I mean, yes, we kissed a few times but that's all we did – and it wasn't even like a hot heavy makeout thing. Just... just don't go there with me on this subject please. You know why."
Santana relented for once. "Yeah, I know. Sorry, I didn't mean to hit the hot button topic already – reflexes. And hey Rach, it'll happen again. It will. You'll be okay to be with him again, when you're ready."
Rachel nodded. "He agreed to come to therapy with me, you know. That's part of the reason I was hoping he would come... I wasn't sure how to explain these things to him, these feelings I have. So Dr. Reyes is going to help."
"Good. That's really good. You need that – and he may not know it yet, but so does Lurch. I'm seriously really happy for you two. I know the distance thing was killing you both and I don't even pretend to understand how you managed the no contact thing. It's about time you got a little happily ever after happening in your life again. Now get your stinkin' ass in the shower. I have a date with an impatient, handsome younger man and I can't keep him waiting. He might barf on me again."
As Rachel headed for the bathroom she laughed listening to San lecturing Cam about not puking on her today or he wouldn't get any tickles later.
. . . . .
"HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH! ! ! It's like the Third – or maybe Fourth? – Coming of Finchel! See I told you to be fucking patient, dude!"
Finn laughed and threw a balled up dirty sock hitting his friend square in the face. "Oh shut it Puck, it's not that monumental of an occurrence."
"Y'know, you're probably right. You and Berry do the breakup/makeup dance so goddamned often it should have its own day of the week on the calendar. Or like, a season named after you at least. 'Oh look kids, Finchel-time is drawing near!' Hide your chairs and keep away from any doorways that a pint-sized divas might come charging through!"
"Oh my god. Remind me why I still associate with you at all?"
"Because you know you couldn't survive alone in the world without my eternally wise Words of Puckerdom guiding you."
"Sure, that must be it."
"Alright so. Before the no doubt HOT HOLY FUCK night of Finchel reunion sex happened, I'm assuming she gave up the goods and finally clued you in, so what was the big secret?"
"Puckerman, let me just remind you that the only reason you're still breathing now is because I haven't killed you yet. And if you wanna keep it that way, the standing rule of NO DISCUSSING ME & RACH'S SEX LIFE still applies. Are we clear?"
Puck threw up his hands in defeat. "Okay okay, shit dude, no need to revive your Braveheart routine on my account. Seriously though, did she finally talk? Like TALK talk?"
"Yeah. She told me everything."
"Well it musta either been the heaviest conversation you two ever had or the sex went on all night long, seeing that you didn't come in til sun-up. And since we can't talk about the latter, I need to know more about the former... Waiting."
"There was no sex so yes, part one is pretty accurate."
"Jesus. Sorry, on both counts I guess. . . so. . . are you gonna just kill me with suspense so it looks like an accident?"
"I'm seriously considering it."
Puck glared at Finn until he finally caved. "Okay look, I asked Rach if it was okay to tell you and she said yes – on the condition that you are to NEVER EVER make any offensive comments to her or about her pertaining to the situation. This is like super serious stuff Puck. This is friendship ending shit I'm asking of you right now."
"Dude, I've got your back, you know that, and Rachel's too. What the hell, did she murder someone or something?"
"Worse. And by the time I'm done explaining it to you, you're gonna wanna murder someone because I already feel that way."
After half an hour explaining everything to Puck, silence filled the space between them. Then Puck exploded. "That mother fucking low life piece of dog shit better NEVER and I mean NEVER see daylight without bars, because he's a dead man! No I mean it Hudson, a DEAD FUCKING MAN! I know people that can dispose of a body without a trace."
"Dude, CHILL! Look I know, I'd be more than happy for him to have a date with a woodchipper myself, but we can't... we just have to keep our shit together and let the legal system do it's thing. We gotta be strong for Rach. And for her son."
Puck narrowed his eyes and corrected "You mean for your son, right? You already know you and Berry are gonna go all Full House and you're gonna raise him together. So CONGRATS MAN, IT'S A BOY!" he clapped Finn on the back with a loud chuckle.
"Okay look, I think we all know I'd never turn my back on Rach and her kid, whether he's mine or not. And yeah, I'd love nothing more than to be there with her every day helping raise him. He's so damned beautiful, Puck. He looks just like her... I mean, if I am his biological father I don't think it matters because he's ALL Berry."
"Fuck. Maybe he'll get your personality at least... pray for that. A little dude diva when the terrible twos hit is NOT something I wanna have to go through!" Puck jabbed.
"Man I just... I can't say this situation doesn't freak me out a little. I mean, sure I always expected me and Rach would get to do this eventually, when the time was right for both of us. And it's not even the timing that I'm freaking out about y'know, it's, it's... what if he's not... I just don't know how I can do THAT again, y'know?"
The severe eye contact Finn shared with Puck told Puck everything his friend was trying to say in not so many words. "Hey man. She's not Quinn. Even if he isn't biologically yours, Berry will make damn sure he is LEGALLY yours. She sure as hell isn't gonna let some lowlife turd be part of her kid's life. Her dad's like a major league lawyer, right? I'm sure they have some connections and... well shit, Berry wouldn't ever even dream of choosing anyone else besides you to be the daddy. So like I said, congrats, bro!"
Finn smiled from ear to ear and thanked his friend. Moments like these are when he remembers just why he keeps him around.
. . . . .
Finn arrived at Rachel's apartment hoping to surprise her and maybe take her and Camden for lunch in the park. He had the day off from work and was already done with an early morning class so his afternoon was free. He did have finals to study for but he just wanted to spend some time with them. He knew Rachel didn't have therapy that day and she didn't work until later, so he hoped she'd be available.
He was greeted by a half asleep (and apparently freshly awakened) Santana Lopez, who was wearing sleep shorts and a Rock N Roll Hall of Fame tank shirt with an untied red silk robe haphazardly falling off her shoulders. Her hair was a mess and her face said GO AWAY.
Finn didn't let that deter him from his upbeat chipper mood. "Hey San. Is Rach around?"
She moved to let him into the apartment. "She was supposed to be doing some shopping, something about needing more MEAT in the freezer nowadays."
Finn chuckled, understanding the unspoken reason why she had a sudden urge to shop for carnivores was likely due to his dietary preferences – something she'd only ever done for her dads and himself in the past.
He watched as Santana started putting on a fresh pot of coffee. "Coffee'll be up in about ten. You're welcome to hang around and wait. I don't think she'll be gone too long, after all she can't carry much with the kid strapped to her like a paratrooper."
As she rinsed out a recently used baby bottle, then folded a bib that was laying on the counter, Finn just couldn't help himself any longer and without warning he walked over and wrapped her in a huge bear hug.
"OW. OW. OW... you're touching me... what the hell." He chuckled a little at her weak protests even as he felt her stiffen with her arms pinned to her sides, but wouldn't let go of her. "Seriously Finnocense, what the fuck? This is getting weird now, and super awkward. Rachel WILL be back soon, feel free to take out your little love fest on her. . . Look I know I'm still hot and all but I still bat for the other team you know. Plus do we really need a repeat of sophomore year? I sure don't, and I don't think the Hobbit would appre—"
As she ranted, Finn finally got past the lump that had grown in his throat thinking of everything Rachel told him the day before. "Thank you. San," he murmured into her wild hair.
"Um, you're welcome, I guess? Like, I don't know specifically what you're thanking me for, but I'm generally awesome so I'm sure you owe me for something..."
He finally loosened his tight wrap on her to look down at her face, tears now brimming in his eyes. "Thank you for what you did – what you're still doing – for her, for them. I would've been here if I'd known, but since I couldn't be, just... Thank you for... for doing what I couldn't. You're a great friend and I'm so glad she has you."
Santana's scrutinizing glare studied his eyes for several beats with a look of utter disbelief on her face. Eventually she deadpanned, "Did you get your period or something? Don't be so hormonal, Freakenstein. She's my girl, of course I looked out for her, s'no biggie."
"Okay you can quit with the tough guy act, San. It's a BIG biggie. I happen to know how big your heart is too, as much as you try to stuff it down under those C cups. You're fucking awesome, Lopez, and you actually CARE about people. And I love you for taking such good care of both of them. So I'm gonna hug you some more because I appreciate you. Deal with it."
And with that he scooped her back into another tight hug, which this time was reciprocated. "Aw Lurch. You just had to go and get all lady-like on me at this hour when I've only had a couple hours of sleep and nothing to eat yet..." she sighed and then got a little angry that she couldn't hold back her own tears. "And fuck you for making me cry before coffee."
He belly laughed and kissed her on the cheek and she swatted at him like a bug she was trying to shoo away from her face. "Okay okay, I draw the line at sloppy puppy kisses all up in my grill. So, I guess our little primadona finally spilled her guts properly and you're all swimming in the guilt pool now, huh?"
"Yeah, something like that I guess. I wish the hell she woulda told me sooner. I wish the hell YOU woulda told me..."
"Yeah right! She would've bitched a diva fit the size of her ego – and you KNOW how bad that would've been! No fucking way did I wanna deal with that! She mighta kicked me out and rent is fucking hella expensive in this town!"
"Bullishit, Tana. You did it for her."
"Yeah. I did it for her. Whatever. She was too fucking fragile. I'd never seen her – or anyone – like that before. Hope I never do again, either. But I tried, you know? I tried like hell to get her to let you back in. I knew you'd wanna be here for her and you should have been. I'm sorry I couldn't get her to see reason, but I did try."
He smirked as he bumped her hip with his. "She told me. Hence, the hugging."
"Shut up. Want eggs? I'm hungry," she stated as she fished around inside the refrigerator.
"Sure, you know I can always eat."
"Good. Hope you can cook too, because I can't." She handed him the carton of eggs and strutted off to the bathroom. "Skillet's inside the oven!" she called back over her shoulder.
. . . . .
"Ok Cammie, we just need to find Finn's favorite brand of bacon and then we should be good to go. And we'll say a silent prayer for the little piggy that didn't get to go wee-wee-wee all the way home later on, okay? You're being so extra good for mommy today, maybe we can ask Finn to come visit for a while before mommy has to go to work. How would you like that?"
Rachel was nearly finished with her short shopping list. In her rush to the bacon section, she turned the aisle crashing into someone and dropped her hand held basket of groceries on the floor. The man was kind enough to stop and help collect her items, but she stood frozen, unable to move or speak when he finally looked up at her.
"Rachel? Oh man, I'm... uh... sorry. I didn't realize you'd shop in this store."
Finally the anger outweighed her terror and she found her voice. "What are you doing here Brody? They were supposed to let me know when you were out... there's a restraining order you know. You can't be here, you can't be anywhere within a hundred feet of me!"
"Unless it's incidental and in public with witnesses. Yeah. Thanks for that too, by the way. Isn't it enough that you ended my career, my school, my dreams, my LIFE?"
"Fuck you! You keep your distance or I'll call the police!"
"Wow. Went and got yourself a little mouth on you since I've been gone, huh? Hey, whose kid is strapped to your belly there? What are you, like a nanny or something now? I guess the one bright point in you ending my career is you seem to have taken your own out as well. Heard you dropped out. Cassie always said you'd never cut it in this business. Guess she was right all along huh?"
He smiled as one does to a baby and reached out to touch Camden but Rachel took a giant step away from him, turning her body sideways in the process to shield her son. "Don't you EVER lay a hand on him! They should've never let you out... you are a MONSTER and I regret the day I ever laid eyes on you!"
"Baby you laid a lot more than EYES on me, and as I recall you seemed to enjoy it, too. Rachel, you know I never lied to you about my feelings, and yet you shit all over me, and you sicced your attack dog on me, then you rubbed salt in my wounds by breaking up with me – in public I might add – and thanks to that, someone overheard what you said so I got expelled from NYADA. I should've known what a life-wrecking bitch you'd turn out to be the minute you went back to your podunk nowhere hometown and spread your legs again for your loser ex. You need to grow up, Rachel."
Brody reached out to make another attempt at seeing and touching the foot of the baby in the harness strapped around her front, but she again stepped back. "You need to stay away from me, Brody, from both of us."
"What, is he your kid or something? I mean damn, yeah he does kinda look like you... come to think of it, he kinda looks like me the more I look at him... Rachel, what the hell, is he mine?"
"NO! YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" She screamed as she ran out of the store in tears.
. . . . .
tbc...
AN - things I (sadly) don't own besides glee:
Dead Man Walking was a 1996 movie starring Sean Penn (who was once married to Madonna) and Susan Sarandon (who played Janet in the original film adaptation of Rocky Horror Picture Show - a role also played by Rachel Berry in s2x05; Sarandon also co-starred in Ryan Murphy's 2017 tv mini-series Feud.)
Dexter Morgan is a serial killer who only kills bad guys (oh yeah, and was a forensic blood spatter expert working for Miami Police Dept – talk about shooting fish in a barrel, he had the inside track to ALL the bad guys!). He's a character created by playwright Jeff Lindsay in his novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter (2004) which was adapted to a Showtime network series that ran for 7 seasons from 2006–2013 as portrayed by the incredible Michael C Hall (and is some of the most intelligent, creative and thought-provoking tv programming EVER made, and should be on your must-see binge-watchlist). Dexter returned to Showtime for a single season sequel, Dexter: New Blood (2021–2022).
Dr. Hannibal Lecter is a character created by American novelist Thomas Harris. He's a serial killer who eats his victims and was made famous as portrayed by Sir Anthony Hopkins in a trilogy of films: The Silence of the Lambs (1991), Hannibal Rising (2007), Red Dragon (2002). Long before the trilogy he appeared in a movie called Manhunter (1986). He was also the primary antagonist in an NBC series named Hannibal starring Mads Mikkelsen as the famous cannibal. Feeling like a little fava beans and chianti, anyone? :-D