Chapter 4

Jessica spent the rest of Friday, alone at home. She briefly considered packing the clothes on her bed and taking the train to New York, but she really didn't want to go anywhere. It would only be running from her problems. Late that afternoon, after another difficult day trying to make progress on her book, she climbed the stairs to her bedroom. Putting away all her laundry, she decided to take a long hot bath.

She was not angry at Seth, not really. Although, she knew that depending on how things went the next time they spoke, she could become angry easily. No, she felt hurt and sad at his quick judgment of her, and perhaps a little frightened at what would ultimately happen to their relationship.

While Jessica did not know for certain what prompted Seth to walk out after she refused to tell him who her partner had been, she could guess. Oh, yes, she certainly had ideas of what had upset him and it was probably several things. For one, she thought he was embarrassed that he had made an inaccurate assumption that she had not been with anyone sexually since Frank died. Perhaps there was even insecurity that she had been intimate more recently than he had been. Intimacy was not something they talked about often, but he had made an offhand comment a time or two over the years about making mistakes with a few nurses in Portland after Ruth had died, which had factored into him moving home to Cabot Cove. If he had entered any type of intimate relationship once returning home to Cabot Cove, the whole town would have known about it at some point. Her prior assumption that perhaps he slept with the occasional woman in Portland no longer seemed as probable to her based on his reaction last night. She also knew that there was likely jealousy that he felt towards the man who she had been with, even though he did not know who that was. She was no fool. If she knew a specific woman that Seth had slept with in the past, knowing how she felt about Seth now, she would feel jealous. It may not be the healthiest reaction, but it was human nature.

Perhaps the most difficult issue may be connected to what they had talked about right before she invited him to her bedroom the evening before. He had voiced concern about disappointing her. She knew that there was no possible way he could ever disappoint her. The love she felt from him towards her was deep and fierce. She could feel it down into her chest and if she could feel the love that he felt for her this intensely, before they had ever entered the bedroom, she had no doubt whatsoever that their physical intimacy would only cause their love to grow exponentially. In turn, the love she felt for Seth was strong and she knew it was only increasing the more she admitted her feelings over the recent past.

She had no doubt that he would be tender, loving, and gentle just as she told him last night. She knew Seth and he would be those things and more. Oh god, she wanted him. She wished she could wave a magic wand and wipe away the last twenty-four hours and all the sadness and hurt that they were both feeling. The longing she had felt for him all week had not gone away after he had stormed out last night. It had only hibernated.

Now, after her bath, she had put on a soft, but warm nightgown and went to bed with a book. This was not how she had planned this evening would go. She thought she would finally be with the man who she had hoped to have a permanent relationship with, but now?

It was becoming a mystery that she desperately hoped would have a happy ending.

Tears began falling fast and she angrily wiped her eyes and tossed the book back on her bedside table. Turning the light off, she grabbed a pillow to cling to as she rolled on her side, knowing she would cry herself to sleep once again.

S/J

After Seth had made the phone call to Jessica that morning to cancel their getaway, he had focused on his patients, thankful to have a distraction. He had succeeded for several hours, even agreeing to see a few last-minute appointments and non-urgent walk-ins, as he did not have anywhere he needed to be the rest of the day.

Hell, if Jessica and him did not work this out, he may not have any plans the rest of his life, except for work.

Grumbly, but staying contained, as he knew he could blow his top easily, he worked steadily. Beverly was a saint on days like these, though he could never tell her that without her getting a big head. Besides, he was confident she already believed herself a saint for putting up with him. After years of working together, she had an intuition on how to work around him without getting in his way, and even anticipating his needs far better than he did. On days like today, she never tried to make small talk, careful to only talk to him or heaven forbid, ask questions, if she had to know the answer to something.

He appreciated her more than he would probably ever find the words to tell her. She was a gem to his clinic and he was grateful.

Around three o'clock, the last patient left and after another half an hour, Beverly had finished her filing and had placed the weekly order for medical supplies. Seth was still charting when she poked her head around the door and said that she was going home.

"Doc, have a good weekend."

He only grunted in reply. She arched an eyebrow at him that he did not see, standing there waiting on him to look up and make eye contact.

He felt her presence lingering in the doorway and he did not want to hear whatever she had determined that he needed to hear, but damn it, he knew he wouldn't escape it.

Making eye contact with her, he gave her a look of warning, as he asked, "Something on your mind, Beverly?"

"You might say that, Doc. It's only you were about as cheery as I have ever seen you earlier this week, but between yesterday afternoon and this morning, it's as though someone died…"

"Beverly…" he warned.

"Doc, I'm not asking for you to confide in me. But whatever happened, I hope you figure it out. And…if you are behaving like a male chauvinist with Jessica, stop it."

With that, she turned before he could reply and left, pulling the front door firmly behind her.

"If that woman doesn't beat all," he muttered to himself, closing the chart he had been working on. He rubbed his face with both hands roughly, allowing a low groan to escape his mouth.

He had made it through the day, but now a long weekend stretched in front of him and nothing planned, because what was supposed to happen now seemed so far away from all probable reason that he felt exhaustion settle into his bones.

Deciding that he could finish his charting later this weekend when he was looking for something to do, he turned off the lights, locked up, and climbed the stairs to his apartment.

Reaching for the whiskey first thing, he poured a hefty glass and took a long swallow, feeling the burn of the liquid race down his throat. He knew it was dangerous to seek out alcohol the moment he was alone, but right now, he chose the easy escape it would provide. Taking one more swallow, he topped off the glass, and then set it on the countertop.

Dinner. He needed to eat something. Rummaging around his refrigerator and cupboards, he found some pasta, a few fresh tomatoes and herbs. He would make a quick pasta with fresh sauce and grill up a chicken breast to go with it. Not quite the steak he had hoped for in Portland tonight, but it would fill his belly and hopefully prevent him from getting fall down drunk as he had the night before.

Cooking always soothed him. It had been a skill that he had developed out of necessity after Ruth died, even if he did not particularly enjoy it in his apartment, as the size of the kitchen was barely wide enough to turn around.

His thoughts turned to Jessica as he sat down with his meal and whiskey in front of him. He was smart enough tonight to also grab a glass of water as well.

His thoughts always turned to Jessica, no matter if things were normal between them or not. She was his entire world. It only made sense that when they were out of sync, his thoughts would become even more riddled with anxiety.

He wanted to race over to her house even now as he was eating his food and beg her forgiveness, telling her that he didn't need to know any details about this prior relationship of hers. That he trusted her and he simply wanted to be with her. But he knew it wasn't enough. Nor was it true.

He needed to know. He was not sure exactly why and he knew there was no way she would tell him now, without him having a damn good reason. He did not think it was a trust issue. At least not with her. He knew that if they began a romantic relationship, she would be faithful to him. He did not worry about that. No, he thought that the issue was he didn't trust the men she was around. So many of these people roped her into their escapades. That one jackass even had her put in jail in San Francisco a few years back and enlisted Grady's help to keep her there! No, he thought his anxiety was because he didn't trust the men. And whichever one she had slept with, if she saw them again in the future, would they even take no for an answer? The thought of them not, and her potentially being forced, made his stomach clench when he considered Jessica being in danger.

He hoped that if he ever got the nerve to talk to her about this, she would understand why he needed to know. Because he did not think he could handle her going anywhere in the future without wondering if whoever this man was would conveniently show up and try to seduce her. He would worry and that worry would likely mushroom out of control before translating to him making some terrible comment to her on the phone while she was away which would only result in more hurtful words and feelings. He could handle his jealousy and keep it in control, but only if he knew more.

He thought.

However, Seth also knew that he was terribly insecure when it came to Jessica. He may be a Harvard educated doctor with many years of experience in his career. But he was also a small-town doctor, a widower, past middle-age creeping steadily towards just being old, and despite his best efforts, a bit heavyset. Besides that, after spending years paying off Ruth's medical bills after she died, he never charged patients more than they could afford to pay. Frankly, it had become a way that he honored Ruth's memory when he could help someone, especially a young wife and mother, receive lifesaving medical care and not charge them so much that they would be financially hamstrung for years to come. He had learned to always charge enough though. He was at an age when he had to make sure his own costs were covered, and sometimes that would leave patients with a bill for a little while. But then, depending on their ability to pay, he had a sliding scale that he had perfected over the years. He made enough to live and to put away a bit for retirement without hurting his community.

But compared to Jessica? My word, there was no telling how much money that woman had in the bank. In fact, he did not want to know and suspected that she didn't either. While he was insecure about their inequality in their financial status, he also knew that she was not concerned. She helped him to save face often, by the fact that they took turns paying for most activities they did together. Occasionally, she would tell him that she wanted to do something that was expensive and she would ask him if he would do it with her. She was skilled at making it sound like he was doing her a favor if he would agree to go with her and allow her to pay. They both knew what she was doing, but they never verbalized it.

So, while Seth was not too worried about finances, he understood that in general, he was insecure about him being enough, because he knew Jessica could have her choice of anyone she set her sights on. He knew he loved her and if she chose to be with him, he would spend his life doing his absolute best to make her happy. He was not too proud to admit that he already did everything he could to make her happy, within the bounds of what she would allow as her best friend. But Jessica deserved everything. And he did not think he was everything.

He supposed the fact that she had never told him as her best friend, about this nameless man, it made him ache with sadness to know there was a part of her life that she had not seen fit to share. He knew she was private and certainly the subject matter would have been highly personal, but he would have thought over the span of the years she had indicated this relationship occurred, there would have been some occasion for her to tell him. While he had never given her details about the women he had slept with in Portland, there had been women, and he had confessed that to her in the past. Had she ever asked questions, he would have answered them, despite any embarrassment he may have felt.

After all these morose and sobering thoughts, he had thankfully eaten enough and remained sober. Just.

Standing from his tiny kitchen table, he cleared it and started washing his dishes. He would finish up here and have an early bedtime. He only hoped that he would be able to sleep without dreaming of her.

S/J

Jessica was not so lucky as far as dreams went though.

Seth had unzipped her dress, allowing it to pool at her feet. Standing by the bed, he moved with urgency, undoing her bra, feeling her warm skin beneath his fingertips. His breath was warm, as he moved from her mouth down her neck to suck her collarbone, drawing a deep moan from her lips.

She reached for his shirt, undoing the buttons at the same time that she jerked the ends of it from the confines of his trousers. She needed to feel his skin against her own. Immediately. His dress shirt was starched and pressed against her hands, and she had the strangest urge to grip it in her hands to create a pattern of wrinkles, to show her touch had been there when he would later, after their coupling, pick it off the floor.

The rest of their clothes followed the same path to the floor hurriedly as he backed her up to the bed, pushing her gently backwards, breaking her fall ever so slightly. He moved over her, taking his time, pressing her body into the bed. But she was experienced, ready, and more than eager, as she wrapped her legs around his waist, dictating exactly what she wanted as she moved her hips against his own. He was almost there. She could feel him between her legs, ready, waiting, teasing…she could not catch her breath, the intensity of her arousal was becoming almost unbearable. Just as she could feel him begin to enter her, she gasped…

Waking up in her bedroom, she gasped for real.

Just a dream. Or maybe with how far away it currently seemed from reality, it had become a nightmare.

She was lying on her back, the pillow grasped against her body, covered in a layer of sweat, panting. It had all felt so real.

Very aroused and terribly frustrated now, she knew she needed to take care of herself. It would not be as satisfying with how things stood between her and Seth, but if she did, she would fall asleep again at least.

Her body reacted quickly after a number of well-placed strokes, as her muscles clenched and a moan left her mouth. When she finally came down from the high, she hated that she felt a tear fall down her cheek. Feeling a stab of loneliness that only seemed more acute after climaxing, she tried to settle down. She had done that to sleep after all, but her brain was still reeling.

She did not regret sleeping with Michael Hagarty. Not at all. Even now. He had been good for her over the years, helping her to move past the sorrow and loneliness after losing Frank. It was not difficult to admit that he had been a tremendous amount of fun as well. Even though he could infuriate her in the same visit with his shenanigans. She had always known Michael was never going to be a permanent fixture in her life, but as a temporary substitute, it had been what she needed for those years.

However, it was not lost on her that she had dreamed about Seth tonight. Not Frank and not Michael. Knowing now that she desired a committed relationship with Seth, her prior ties to Michael had certainly complicated things.

She could lie here ruminating all night and it would get her nowhere, except she would be sleep deprived with a headache in the morning. Grumbling under her breath, she rolled onto her side, while holding onto the pillow, wishing it was Seth she had her arms wrapped around instead.