CHAPTER ELEVEN

4x26 ...And Back

Horrified didn't seem like a strong enough word. Emily couldn't shake the images out of her head. Opening that dumpster and finding 89 pairs of shoes - each representing a life taken by the hands of two deranged men. She couldn't shake the smell of the pigs. And that horrible stomach-turning moment the pieces came together and she thought she was going to be sick. She couldn't shake the image on Kelly's face. Her innocence was taken from her too soon. A sickening collage of shoes, and pigs, and the terrorized girl were swimming in her mind - but there was also JJ. The one beacon of light. If she concentrated hard enough, she could see her. See her laughing at a joke. Or see her concentrating hard on a pile of papers on her desk.

Emily turned her head to look at JJ. Reid was sitting with her, but she was in her own world - staring out the window of the jet. Eventually, they landed. The team silently gathered their things and did their best to give each other reassuring head nods. Morgan didn't look at anyone. He was clearly very affected by this case. JJ walked up to Emily's desk without a word. She was waiting for her. They had never done this before - but it felt completely natural after what they had seen that day. Emily closed a file she was reading and stood from her desk. The women were silent in the elevator and out the door. It wasn't until they got to Emily's car that JJ finally spoke.

"How do we walk away from that? I-I know you compartmentalize and - we separate ourselves from the emotions but - at what cost? I don't - I don't want to turn myself into stone, Emily." JJ was almost crying. Emily didn't say anything for a moment. She knew what JJ meant. How many times can you look into the abyss before you lose part of yourself?

"Come on," Emily said waving her arm, "You're staying with me tonight."

JJ nodded absentmindedly. Her mind was clearing somewhere else. The trip was quiet. Emily didn't turn on her radio, realizing that both women needed silence. Emily didn't bother making up a bed for JJ. It went unspoken that they needed to be close to another human being. JJ hadn't said anything since the parking lot. She looked haunted. Emily let her take a shower first and laid out some of her clothes for JJ to borrow. JJ's silence was beginning to frighten Emily a bit. She sat down on the couch, towel around her wet hair, and just stared into the distance. What Emily wouldn't give to be able to read her thoughts.

Emily walked tentatively into the living room after her shower and sat gently next to JJ. It was then that she saw the tearings streaming down her face. From the redness of her eyes, JJ had been crying for a while. Suffering in silence.

"Jay… cases like these-"

"It's not cases like these - it's this one case," JJ interrupted in a whisper. She finally turned her head and focused on Emily. "You don't get it."

It wasn't a question but a sort of half-hearted accusation. Not laced with anger, but disappointment. Emily wanted to understand more than anything. Emily decided to stay quiet, hoping that JJ would continue.

"It's not even about the case, really… it's about me." Emily shook her head and furrowed her brow in confusion. "I have feelings for you," JJ finally confessed. She fixed her eyes forward again as new tears ran out of them. "I need - I," JJ hung her head in her hands, heart beating out of her chest. This was the moment. The moment she had thought about for nearly a year. The moment that could destroy the fantasy that JJ had created in her head. Emily's silence was not helping her calm down - JJ was physically shaking, leaning forward, her elbows resting on her knees. And then she felt Emily's hands. They grabbed her hands and began to steady her. JJ's eyes went to their clasped hands and she breathed anxiously. The blonde still wasn't looking at Emily, and Emily needed her to.

"Jay..." Emily whispered.

"Look if you don't feel the same way, it's okay, it's-"

"No, Jennifer. Listen to me." The use of her full name brought JJ's eyes back up to Emily's. "Believe me, it's not that. It's just - what we went through today was… awful. And grief can make you do things that you don't really want to do."

"Emily, I swear, that's not why."

"Okay, so here's what we do. You and I are going to get in bed and sleep. And in the morning we can talk about everything."

"Wait - you - you don't want me to leave?"

"No," Emily stated confidently. She stood up, still holding one of JJ's hands. "Come on, let's sleep." Emily pulled her down the short hallway to her bedroom. The room still smelled like soap and shampoo. JJ lingered momentarily to watch Emily pull the sheets back on her bed.

Emily turned her head to glance at JJ. Her eyes were puffy and red, tears still not completely dry. Emily silently got in bed and JJ followed suit. As JJ's head hit the pillow Emily watched the tension finally leave her. Emily was glad to see her at peace. She reached and turned off the lamp and then they were in darkness. Emily stayed as still as she could, hyperaware of every sound and movement that JJ made. She was lying on her side, staring at the back of JJ's head. Suddenly sleep seemed completely illusive to her.

Emily felt JJ scoot closer to her and felt beyond conflicted. It briefly crossed Emily's mind how incredibly wrong it would be to take advantage of JJ's vulnerability when she could wake up in the morning and realize she hadn't meant what she said. But feeling JJ so close to her was making thinking clearly very difficult. But it was when JJ reached for Emily's arm and pulled it around her body that Emily knew she couldn't fight it anymore. She let herself relax and drifted off to sleep.