CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

6x20 Hanley Waters

David Rossi offered JJ Emily's position a week after she had returned from Paris. Reluctantly, JJ accepted. It felt almost like she was replacing her and she hated it. The only reason she accepted it was because she couldn't stand the idea of someone new taking it. To JJ's surprise, Strauss didn't say a word about her transferring back to the BAU. And if JJ was honest with herself, it helped her grieve to be around her friends. Well - most of the time.

The only thing that was harder than being away from Emily was pretending she was dead. Watching her greifstricken friends in pain - comforting them when she knew the truth. It was exhausting. JJ was sick of all of it. She was sick of the condolences and the sympathetic looks from Hotch and Derek. She was sick of the lying; sick of sleeping alone in a cold bed yearning for a ghost. But she would do it if it meant keeping Emily safe. She would do just about anything for her.

"JJ?" Came Hotch's voice. He was standing outside his office door, looking at her expectantly. JJ stood and walked over to him. He closed the door to his office gently. JJ noticed it was darker than usual - Hotch had drawn the blinds. Hotch rounded his desk and sat. JJ remained standing. He paused briefly.

"How are you holding up?"

"We don't have to do this, Hotch. I know you have to put up a front and treat me like everyone else, but I'm fine. Emily is fine."

"That may be true - but that doesn't mean you didn't experience trauma JJ. You watched your girlfriend flatline right in front of you. You've been lying to your team for weeks. JJ, you carried her coffin. Real or not, that takes a toll on a person…" Aaron said carefully.

"She's alive. That's all that matters." But JJ was fighting back a lump that was forming her throat. She knew Aaron was right - that was not all that mattered. Her friends mattered. Her mental health mattered. Both were crumbling around her.

"JJ, I think you need to take more time off."

"Hotch -" She interrupted harshly. "That will not help me. I need to work. I need to be around my friends. I cannot just sit at home and think about her anymore. I'll go insane. Please."

Hotch frowned. "Fine. But if you want to remain a part of this team, you need to take the grief counseling seriously. No exceptions."

JJ nodded solemnly and sat down across from her boss. She knew he was right. And he was literally the one and only person on Earth that she could talk to about this.

"How are you holding up?" He asked again. JJ sighed.

"I miss her. It's been really hard, Hotch."

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Not really..." She admitted, weakly. "You know, uh - we come in here and we talk to you. Where do you go? Where are you with all of this?"

"Same place as you. Wishing she was here."

A comfortable silence fell between them. It made JJ feel a little better.

"I think she might know me," JJ said quietly. Hotch furrowed his brow in interest. "Like - actually know me. How am I supposed to…?"

Hotch dropped his eyes. It was clear to JJ that she had struck a nerve. He was thinking about Haley. She felt guilty, but Aaron Hotchner actually understood her situation, better than anyone else.

"It's just not easy," JJ said in a small, broken voice.

"I know," he said honestly, "but it does get easier."