I had fun with this chapter because it's structured unlike any other I've written so far. This chapter takes place during the events of 6x23 Big Sea, but in an alternate reality where JJ goes to Paris instead of going with the team to Florida.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

6x23 Big Sea

"JJ? Can I speak to you in my office?" JJ turned to face the always-serious face of her boss. But there was something off about him. It made JJ weary.

"Close the door," Hotch said and JJ did as she was told.

"Hotch? What's wrong? Is it -"

"Yeah," he answered quickly. JJ felt her stomach drop as she watched Hotch shuffle papers around on his desk.

"She's not -"

Hotch finally turned his full attention to JJ, "No! No, JJ. She's fine. I was finally able to get in touch with her CI and they've agreed to a visit. 48 hours - in a safe house of their choosing."

She couldn't believe her ears. She couldn't have cared less about where she was going. She got to see Emily. That's all that mattered. Her heart leaped at the mere idea.

"I get to see her?" She whispered, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"48 hours, JJ."

JJ's mind was racing. She was going to see her. For real. In the flesh. She was going to hear her voice, and see her face. She was going to touch her skin, and kiss her lips, and bask in her presence. It was everything JJ had been yearning for.

"When?"

"Right away. We don't have a huge window of time. How quickly can you be ready?"

"Less than an hour," JJ answered with confidence.

"Good. Go," Hotch said and JJ got up from her chair quickly.

"Aaron?" She said, lingering by the door, "Thank you."

48 hours...

Emily was pacing back and forth. She was getting anxious waiting for JJ. They only had 48 hours. 48 hours with JJ wasn't nearly enough. But it was so much more than they had yesterday. Just when Emily thought she couldn't take the waiting any longer there was a jingle of keys on the door. Emily turned to face the door, completely frozen to her spot. She was going to see JJ in a matter of seconds.

The door swung open and her heart stood still. Emily's CI stepped aside and there stood the woman she had dreamed about seeing for months. JJ didn't hesitate. She dropped the bag she was holding and it took a mere matter of seconds before she flug her arms around her.

"Oh my God, Emily," she whispered. JJ was crying, Emily could feel her tears. Emily pulled her in tighter. She felt like an addict getting their fix. She was everything. JJ pulled back to look at her face.

"You're shaking," JJ whispered, placing one hand on her cheek. And wrapping her other arm around her waist.

"I can't believe you're actually here," Emily replied. Emily heard the door close behind them and she realized this was the first time they'd been alone in nearly six months. "How did Hotch get them to agree to this?" Emily asked.

"Who cares..." JJ whispered, grabbing Emily's face tenderly, leaning in to kiss her.

Six months was a long time and it quickly became clear that once they started, there was no stopping. The kiss deepened. Emily ran her hands up under JJ's shirt, feeling the warmth of her skin. It only added fuel to the fire. JJ felt like she couldn't get close enough to Emily. She pulled at the bottom of Emily's shirt, desperately hoping that Emily would get the message and get rid of it. But Emily's lips began trailing down JJ's neck and all coherent thought left her. JJ moaned and pulled Emily's hips flush with her's. She was having trouble standing, her legs becoming weak. Emily was supporting more and more of her weight.

"Em," she exhaled. Emily pulled back to look at JJ. She saw JJ's eyes were now dark blue, smouldering with desire. She figured her's looked similar. "Bedroom. Right now." JJ said and Emily nodded, taking JJ's hand.

JJ briefly took in her surroundings. Emily had evidently been there before because she knew exactly where she was going. As soon as she was pulled through the bedroom door JJ turned and pinned Emily against the wall. This time when she pulled at her shirt, Emily held her arms up and let JJ take it off.

Something was new. It made JJ stop. It appeared that Emily got the tattoo afterall. JJ studied it. Emily took that opportunity to place a soft kiss on her temple. Emily watched as JJ's gaze dropped lower to the scar left behind from the stake. The last time she had seen it, it was still pink and inflamed from the recent surgery. Now the scar was white and nearly healed.

"Jay? You okay?" JJ's eyes met Emily's briefly but dropped again. 'Okay' wasn't exactly how she'd describe this feeling. There weren't really words to describe this feeling. When JJ didn't answer, Emily grabbed her hand and placed it gently on her hip, right next to the scar on her stomach. "Hey... I'm right here. I'm okay. We're okay."

Nothing about that scar was okay. Sure, Emily had survived, but if JJ ever got her hands on Ian Doyle… Her mind went to dark places and she closed her eyes to regain control over her violent fantasies. Doyle had already taken Emily from her - JJ wasn't going to let him take these 48 hours too.

Emily dipped her head in an attempt to meet JJ's eyes. JJ wrapped her arms tighter around Emily, brushing their exposed skin together. JJ closed her eyes and lifted her head. Their lips connected effortlessly. Emily felt JJ's hands reach for her belt and start to undo it. It was surreal. It had been 6 months of hell but now JJ was here. And JJ was heaven. Emily abrutly broke from JJ's lips, her breath catching when she felt JJ's hand slip inside her jeans. JJ grinned into Emily's lips.

"6 months," JJ breathed, moving her lips to brush against the skin on Emily's neck. "I've been thinking about this for 6 months."

35 hours...

Emily silently placed a plate and a mug in front of JJ. She leaned over and pressed her lips to the top of JJ's head, lingering there for a moment to breathe her in, before taking a seat across from her.

JJ smiled at Emily but it didn't quite reach her eyes. There was a silent clock ticking loudly in both of their heads. It turned every moment bitter sweet.

"So you've been back?"

"Yeah, for about two months now." JJ said lightly.

Emily winced a little. JJ had gotten her position. And as soon as she felt the jealousy, Emily felt ashamed. JJ being a part of the team was wonderful. She wasn't an outsider, she was smart as a whip, and completely qualified to do the job. But it would be a lie to say that Emily wasn't at least a little jealous. She missed her friends. She hated the idea that they were grieving for her. She hated that they couldn't know the truth. She wanted to pick up the phone and call them - and there were times she almost did too.

"How is the team holding up?" Emily asked. She was afraid of the answer. But it was something she needed to know.

"They…" JJ sighed. "They're managing the best they can but…" JJ couldn't finish the sentence. It broke her heart to see her friends suffer. To hold Spencer while he cried in her arms. To see the fire extinguished from Derek's eyes.

JJ watched Emily's bottom lip quiver and her eyes fill with tears. She looked away. JJ had just told her that what she feared most was indeed true. Her friends were suffering - because of her. Because of a decision she made before she even met them. And JJ too. She was suffering too. Guilt and shame washed over Emily.

"Don't do that." JJ said fiercely. Her sudden intensity shocked Emily.

"Do what?"

"Don't punish yourself for this."

"Why not? It's my fault."

"No. It's not. You want someone to blame - blame Ian Doyle."

"How's Hotch?" Emily finally asked after a long moment of silence. It was at least a little reassuring that Hotch wasn't mourning her death.

"He's... Hotch. Holding the team together and not asking for anything in exchange." This brought a genuine smile to Emily's lips. Aaron Hotchner was nothing if not selfless. She was happy that at least that hadn't changed.

JJ glanced towards the window. All the curtains were pulled tightly closed. It had to be that way - for protection.

"How is Paris?"

Emily followed her gaze. "Well, I don't get out very often between work and…" Emily trailed off. "But it's just as I remembered it when I was a kid."

It briefly hit JJ how different their childhood's had been. She had grown up in a loving family in rural Pennsylvania. She never once questioned her parents' love for her and her sister. And Emily - her mother never wanted her. And her father wasn't man enough to stick around. She lived a superficial life. One that was all about politics and optics. She never stayed in one place long enough to put down roots. She never had any other siblings.

JJ's heart broke thinking about it. She must have been unspeakably lonely. And even with all of that stacked against her, she still turned out to be one of the best people JJ had ever known. Someone capable of love. And kindness. And integrity. JJ would never be able to verbalize how amazed she was by Emily.

"You'd love it," Emily stated, pulling JJ out of her thoughts. JJ smiled longingly.

22 hours...

They ended up back in bed - silently lying in each other's embrace. It reminded Emily of when they first started dating. The innocent intimacy of holding JJ at night - not believing that she got to. In some ways, Emily still couldn't believe she got to.

"I miss you."

Emily said it so quietly that JJ thought she imagined it. She was wavering right between wake and sleep. In that mystical state of consciousness where it seemed anything was possible - drifting off in the security of Emily's arms. JJ lifted her head from Emily's shoulder.

She continued, "All the time, I miss you. It's not in waves, it's constant. All the time."

JJ had nothing to say to her. She understood exactly what she meant - even when she was doing something else, even when she was distracted by work, she still missed Emily. It felt like a tear in her chest. And JJ felt powerless to change it. As long as Ian was out there, Emily had to be here. And they both knew it. Their time was ticking away and there was nothing either of them could do about it.

"We're gonna get him. I promise you - it's not going to be like this forever."

Emily didn't say anything. JJ seemed so adamant, her eyes so full of passion, Emily didn't have the heart to contradict her. But she knew better. Ian was only going to be found if he wanted to be. But JJ had hope, and Emily couldn't take that away from her.

Emily took in a shaky breath and forced a smile for JJ. Emily knew how this particular story ended. She should walk away. Let JJ have a chance at a life that didn't consist of secret rendezvous and pining for someone 4,000 miles away. If she had been stronger, she wouldn't have agreed to JJ visiting at all. Let her have a clean break. But her head and her heart were battling and Emily wasn't sure which was going to win. She was quite sure that losing JJ would destroy her - but her life was pretty destroyed as it was. JJ, on the other hand - JJ still had a chance at a normal life. A happy life.

JJ looked at her, concern maring her beautiful face. "I love you," she murmured, trying her best to relieve the anguish on Emily's face. Emily brought a hand up to tuck JJ's hair behind her ear. JJ was exhausted. Emily could tell by the bags under her eyes. She likely had been awake for days and she was fighting sleep. Emily understood why - she too wanted to spend every minute of their time awake and together. She wanted to soak JJ in as much as possible. But they both needed to sleep.

"You can sleep, JJ… I'll still be here when you wake up."

It did not go unnoticed by JJ that Emily hadn't returned her sentiment, but she decided not to push it. Not today. Emily watched JJ shift back to rest on her head on her shoulder and felt her lips placing sleepy kisses where her shoulder met her neck. Emily's eyes fluttered closed involuntarily.

She needed to remember this moment - to remember this feeling. She kept her eyes closed and focused. JJ's soft breath against her skin, her arm laying across her waist. The feel of their legs, entwined together. Her scent. But most of all the peaceful silence that fell between them. Since she left the BAU, Emily had felt like she couldn't find any peace. As if the world was screaming in her ears and she couldn't even hear herself think. But for the past 26 hours, the noise had finally faded. It was JJ. It always had been, from the very beginning.

As promised, Emily was still there when JJ woke up. Her arms were still holding her. The warmth and secruity of Emily's body pressed against hers filled JJ with a profound sense of peace. JJ glanced at the clock. They had been asleep for 7 hours. 33 hours had passed already. JJ had the sudden urge to wake Emily up. She wanted to hear her voice, gaze into her eyes, tell her everything that she had missed over the past 6 months. But JJ didn't. Judging by the bags under Emily's eyes, the brunette had not been sleeping well either.

JJ studied her face. She realized that only 6 months apart was enough for JJ to have forgotten some of the more subtle details. It filled her with heartache. JJ brought her hand to Emily's face and gently brushed some hair behind her ear. Emily began to stir. She opened her eyes, sleepily. The first thing she saw was the anguish in JJ's eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," JJ whispered.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" JJ whispered, leaning in to kiss Emily. It was a searing kiss meant to distract her. It worked for a couple of minutes too. Emily breathed in deeply and wrapped her arms tightly around JJ pulling her closer. The sun must have been just rising behind the dark blinds because the room was turning from black to dark blue. Time of day ceased to mean anything behind the dark blinds. Emily felt JJ's tongue on her bottom lip and it made her a little lightheaded. Emily placed her hands on JJ's face and pulled her away gently. She looked at JJ's blue eyes.

"What's wrong?" Emily asked again. JJ knew Emily wasn't going to let her avoid the question anymore.

"It's not fair," JJ started, tears forming in her eyes. "I feel like I'm losing you and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't want 48 hours, Emily..."

JJ looked down, unable to hold eye contact any longer. Emily had no response. She had no idea what she could say to make JJ feel better. Truth be told, she felt the same way. The longing in Emily's eyes told JJ everything she needed to know - that Emily understood what she meant, but that she couldn't do anything to change it.

Emily pulled herself up to a seated position, and rested her back against the headboard. JJ watched her silently. Emily opened her arms and whispered, "Come here."

JJ wasted no time kneeling on either side of Emily's hips and wrapping her arms around her neck, content to just hold her close. Emily buried her face into JJ's neck, pressing her lips where she could feel her pulse. Emily's arms wrapped around JJ's waist.

"I love you Jennifer," Emily mumbled against JJ's skin. It made her shiver. "I want you. For the rest of my life. I'm yours." Emily's words of affection, coupled with her lips drifting across her skin was driving JJ insane. Her desire was growing quickly. "I love you, I love you," Emily murmured mindlessly, still running her lips gently against JJ's neck.

JJ pulled Emily's head away and stared into her eyes for a brief moment before kissing her slowly. Her head was spinning. That was the closest Emily had ever gotten to reciprocating her marriage confession. JJ was flustered by the mere idea of Emily being her wife. The need for more contact was becoming overwhelming. JJ reached to take her own shirt off and Emily quickly helped her. It was the only thing that seemed to help - Emily's touch. The more contact the better. And the more Emily gave, the more JJ wanted. It was a vicious cycle.

"I love you," Emily whispered again.

"Show me," JJ responded lovingly. She was buzzed by Emily's words. This side of Emily was one JJ had never seen before. It was one she wanted to see again. JJ pulled at the hem of Emily's t-shirt. She needed more. More contact, more love, more Emily. More was better. Right? Emily pulled her lips away from JJ's clavicle in order to heed her request. JJ's eyes fell over the newly exposed skin. She would never get sick of this - of loving Emily and being loved by her. Emily stretched to capture JJ's lips. JJ brought her hands to Emily's face.

"I need you, Em." JJ was having trouble thinking, her entire world reduced to Emily and the way Emily's body felt against hers. This was more than just love, right? It had to be. Not even love could feel like this. Emily slowly tipped JJ backward until she was on her back with Emily hovering above her.

"Please, Emily. I need you to touch me."

The sound of JJ begging for her was almost too much for Emily to handle. That - coupled with the look of pure certainty in her eyes. Marry me. The voice in her head urged her to speak, and Emily knew she couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. No - the honorable thing would be to let her go. But if she couldn't do that -

Emily gently pulled at the hem of JJ's shorts. JJ lifted her hips making it easier for Emily to slide them down her legs. Emily kissed the inside of JJ's thigh gently. Emily moved her lips to her hip eliciting a frustrated groan.

"Emily… You're killing me."

The brunette brought herself up so she was face to face with JJ. JJ's eyes were closed, straining to keep herself together. Emily kissed her lips softly. JJ's hands were gliding over her skin in all the right places. Emily's arms trembled as she struggled to keep herself above JJ.

"Open your eyes," Emily mumbled into JJ's lips. She brushed her lips across JJ's jaw before pulling back. JJ forced her eyes to open and they locked with Emily's. The anguish that had been there minutes ago had been replaced with an endearing look of longing. Emily wanted nothing but to make JJ feel better. Make her feel loved - safe - adored. That was all she wanted.

JJ parted her lips; her breathing becoming shallow and unsteady, as Emily finally complied to her request. Emily watched closely. She was determined to make this about JJ. To take away her heartache. But it ended up relieving her grief as well.

10 hours…

"Hey, you know that bet that Spence and Derek had going?" JJ asked, out of the blue. "You're never going to believe it - but Derek actually won!"

"What?!"

"I know! I swear I've never seen Rossi so upset. He never told us how much he lost, but Derek was especially happy that day."

"So I guess this is a bad time to tell you that I lost 200 dollars in that bet…?"

JJ dropped her jaw, then threw her head back laughing, "Emily! You're kidding!"

"I wish I was…" Emily answered, laughing along with JJ. It was so nice to hear JJ's laugh. It gave her hope. "I didn't think it was a risk betting on the Dr. Spencer Reid."

"Ha! Derek's never gonna let you live it down when I tell him," JJ said before she realized what she was saying. Emily's smile faded a little. JJ's did too. JJ's eyes dropped and she focused hard on her hands. Emily reached for her.

"I'm sorry," JJ said.

"You don't need to apologize to me," Emily replied. There she was, feeling sorry for herself for being so lonely and away from her friends, but she hadn't really considered that what JJ was doing must have been just as difficult. She had to constantly lie to all of their friends. It must be indescribably isolating and utterly lonely.

5 hours…

JJ sat on the edge of the bathtub watching Emily as she moved around the bathroom. Emily reached to turn the shower on unaware of the eyes on her. JJ couldn't help but stare. She only had 5 hours left to stare. And then they'd be apart again. She felt her mind drifting back in time. Flashing back to the first time they kissed. Then further back to the feeling of their fingers interlocked as they held hands in the car. Then laying in Emily's bed after she had been brutally beaten by a cult leader. Sleep was the last thing on JJ's mind that particular night…

Then, JJ's mind shifted to the future. To a wedding. To the heart-stopping moment she'd see the woman she loved waiting for her at the end of the aisle. To the beautiful laughter of a child. An innocent face with Emily's coloring and her blue eyes. The enamored look in Emily's eyes when she held their child for the first time. She wanted to give Emily that so badly. She knew there was a hole in her heart where a child should be. She'd seen it first years ago and she still saw it whenever they had a case that dealt with children.

"Water's warm," Emily said, turning to walk towards her. JJ forced a polite smile. "You're thinking very loudly. It's quite distracting," Emily said smirking.

"Sorry," JJ responded sheepishly. She stood and walked towards Emily and the shower.

Emily narrowed her eyes perceptively. "Oh, I know that look."

"What look?"

"The one you get when you think you're gonna scare me off."

"I do not -" Emily looked at her incredulously and raised her eyebrows. "Shut up," JJ said with a genuine smile. Emily laughed lightly.

She rubbed her hands up and down JJ's arms, "You're not gonna scare me off," she said gently, inviting JJ to speak. But JJ remained silent. Whatever she was thinking, she wasn't ready to share. And that was okay.

Emily cupped JJ's cheeks and rested her forehead against hers. She felt JJ's hands wrap around her waist.

"Get in the shower with me," Emily whispered affectionately. "I just want to hold you until you have to go."

JJ nodded and smiled dreamily. She still felt like she couldn't believe her ears when Emily said things like that. Emily tentatively reached for the knot on the front of JJ's bathrobe. JJ smiled at her apprehensive tenderness. Emily always made sure she felt comfortable and safe.

"Em, I think it goes without saying, I want you to take my clothes off," JJ teased, with a smile. She tilted her head to the side and bit her lip, grinning. Emily melted and rolled her eyes with a sheepish laugh. She felt a blush rise to her cheeks. JJ smirked and leaned into Emily's lips. Emily quickly untied the knot and pushed JJ's robe down her arms just enough to expose her shoulders. Emily kissed the skin there, wrapping her arms around JJ's body inside the robe. JJ let the robe fall to the floor, soon to be joined by Emily's clothes.

The hot water felt therapeutic on Emily's skin. Something about being under the barrage of water seemed to alter time. Slow it down just a little. That was exactly what they needed - a way to slow down their time together.

0 hours…

Emily watched as JJ moved around the small apartment gathering her things. There was a bleak silence that fell over the room. Emily could hear the traffic from the city road outside the window. She was focusing as hard as she could to hold herself together.

Finally, JJ zipped up the bag and looked at Emily. She had been avoiding her eyes for the past 20 minutes. She stood, looking at Emily for a couple of moments.

"I'm not saying goodbye to you," JJ stated in a heated whisper. She walked up to where Emily was sitting on the edge of the bed. JJ could see Emily was hardening herself. To protect herself from feeling. It made JJ angry. Not at Emily. She was angry at the world for doing this again to someone she loved so much. Emily didn't deserve this. After everything she went through, she deserved to be happy - she deserved to not be alone. Life was proving to her yet again - that opening up to people only caused pain in the long run.

Emily stood and wrapped her arms around JJ in a tight hug. It surprised her a little. Emily was usually good at thickening her skin and hiding her emotions but when she hugged her, JJ could feel everything she wasn't able to say. After the surprise wore off, JJ began to relax into the hug, eventually completely melting into Emily's arms.

That's when they heard the knock. The outside world was letting itself be known. The 48 hours of fantasy was violently cut off by the sharp knock of reality. Emily pulled herself back and reached down to grab JJ's bag with one hand. With the other she held JJ's hand. As they walked together towards the front door JJ felt herself becoming lightheaded. Emily checked the peephole quickly before letting go of JJ's bag to open the door. Her CI stood there silently.

"Can we have a moment?" Emily said in the ghost of a whisper. The man nodded somberly and turned his back to give them privacy. She turned back to JJ, "It's okay, Jay. You go - you go, it'll be okay."

Emily saw the anger erupt in JJ's eyes. She knew what she was thinking - that nothing about this was 'okay.' And she was right. But Emily couldn't tell her that. Emily smiled, unphased by the anger in JJ's eyes. She placed a hand on JJ's cheek, determined to stay strong. JJ's eyes were burning into hers.

Emily smiled cheerlessly, "Just kiss me, okay?"

And JJ did. Her lips drifted impassively over Emily's. It made Emily feel numb.

"I love you," JJ whispered, genuinely.

"I love you."

JJ stumbled off the jet and across the tarmat. She was in a daze. She hadn't slept a wink on the plane. The flight home felt longer than the one that took her to Emily. Perhaps it was the terrible pulling sensation. It felt like there was a string still attached to Emily that was being pulled taunter and taunter the further the plane flew away.

She didn't want to go into the office. She wanted to go straight to her car and drive home, but she knew she couldn't. A clean break would be better. She needed to be around her friends - even if it was painful.

"Hey JJ! When did you get back?" Spencer greeted her happily and she walked back into the bullpen. "We missed you!"

"I got back just a couple hours ago," JJ said carefully.

"Did you have a nice vacation? Sitting on a beach somewhere while we worked a case?" Morgan asked jokingly.

"No… I - I drove up to Pennsylvania to see my parents for the weekend."

JJ locked eyes with Hotch. He was hovering on the periphery of the room, watching her closely. She gave a small nod to Hotch. There was a look of recognition in his eyes. He slowly walked towards his office. JJ took a seat at her desk. She glanced in his direction and found him gazing back. He closed his office door.