CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

7x12 Unknown Subject

"Emily."

"Huh?"

Emily's eyes zoned back in to focus on the woman in front of her. She was a nice woman - someone Emily didn't mind talking to, but after twenty weeks of it, it was really getting old. Apparently when you come back from faking your own death there are a lot of hoops you have to jump through.

"I said this is our last session. It doesn't have to be goodbye. My door is always open."

"Thank you, but, um, I - I feel good. You know? Ready."

The doctor looked a little doubtful but let it slide. "How are your nails?"

"3 days, no biting."

"Are you sleeping?"

Emily grimaced a little - but she didn't think the doctor noticed. On multiple occasions she had woken up to JJ shaking her from a nightmare, covered in a cold sweat. And everytime it happened she shut down a little. She knew it wasn't fair to JJ, but she had a hard time talking about them - the dreams. JJ didn't push her though. She would pull Emily in and rub her hand across Emily's back until she had calmed down enough to sleep again. But there were some nights where sleep never came. On those nights Emily would watch quietly as JJ breathed. It brought her an unparalleled feeling of serenity to see her like that. On those nights she was almost thankful for the nightmares. Almost.

"Uh, it's been uh- two weeks, I think, since the last dream."

"They may not have gone away completely. Correct me if I'm wrong. You never had the chance to mourn your own death, did you?"

"I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."

"As part of protecting your identity, your team had to bury you. They lost someone they loved. Maybe you did too. Think about it."

"I will," she said earnestly. Was it possible that this was grief? That she was grieving her own death? Or perhaps grieving the death of her life as she knew it before. It wasn't that she wasn't happy now. But her control was ripped away from her. It was the loss of autonomy was what had overwhelmed her.

"Hey - I'm sorry I thought you said 10:30," Emily said confused. It was 10:31 and no one was on the plane except for Hotch. Emily knew Spencer was always at least five minutes ahead of schedule...

"I did. For you. Have a seat." Hotch gestured to the seat across from him. "You requested a meeting? Plus, I received Dr. Merrill's evaluation. I just wanted to review it with you."

"Here?"

"Well, I get tired of being profiled through my office window." He tilted his head to the side, "You go first - what's on your mind, Emily?"

"I know you haven't reported me and JJ. And I don't know why you haven't, but Dr. Merrill gave me a clean bill of health and I just gotta know Hotch - am I staying at the BAU?" Emily stared at her boss nervously.

Hotch opened the file he was holding and began reading, "Agent Prentiss has reached out to her mother…'" Hotch paused. Emily broke eye contact.

"I'm going to." She meant it too - sometimes. Sometimes she didn't. She hadn't seen her mother in a couple of years now. There were so many things that had changed.

"'And has started a romantic relationship with a man named Sergio.'" Hotch raised his eyebrows and Emily looked away awkwardly. She felt like a kid being caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "I don't care if you lie to your therapist," Hotch continued, "All I care about is how your behavior affects your job."

"Well, I don't think it has…" Emily answered, slowly. Hotch nodded carefully. Emily couldn't tell if he was agreeing with her or not.

"You've been overcompensating. You rushed to repair your relationship with Morgan. You've become an emotional sounding board for Reid and Rossi -"

"That's being a good friend," Emily interrupted.

"You offered me parenting advice," Hotch countered with a small smile. He had her there.

"Ok, so maybe I have been working a little bit harder to regain people's trust. Is that such a bad thing?"

"No. It only is if you use it to avoid dealing with what you went through."

"But I'm not. I chose to come back here. Why? Because I care about the people I work with? Yes. But also because it's clean. I know who the good guys and the bad guys are. I don't have to worry about screwing someone over to make a case."

"Okay. I want you to make a deal with me. You're gonna go weeks, months even, feeling fine. And then, you're gonna have a bad day. Just let me know when you do."

"And that's it?" It surprised Emily that Hotch had completely dodged the topic of JJ. What did it mean?

"That's it."

"Deal."

"Sergio?" Hotch said with a smirk.

"He is the perfect man. He doesn't hog the covers and he poops in a box."

JJ wanted to stop it. But it wasn't her place. According to Emily, Hotch wasn't going to report them to Strauss. He was trusting them. He was putting his job and his reputation on the line because he believed that Emily and she could work on the same team without conflict. And JJ had believed that too - at least she had twelve hours ago. But here she stood, suddenly finding it challenging.

The woman refused to talk to anyone except for Emily. JJ had spent 30 minutes trying to get her statement but she hadn't budged. They didn't have a choice. She knew Emily had been watching from the other side of the glass. When JJ walked out of the interrogation room, she was met with a stoney look from Hotch and a haunted look from Emily. JJ reluctantly handed over the notepad and pen and let Emily pass her to open the door. She turned to the two-way mirror to watch. She wanted to stop this.

"I was told that you would only give your statement to me."

Emily sat down and stared at the woman professionally. JJ recognized that demeanor. The defenses were up.

"Why didn't you let me pull the trigger?"

"Because you would be in prison," Emily answered carefully.

"As opposed to where I am right now? I mean, while he gets a lawyer… and a fair trial."

"He will never see the light of day, ever."

"Can you guarantee that?" Emily paused. No she couldn't. She had seen stronger cases than this fall apart. "You know when they talk about victims getting re-victimized by the system, they mean you."

"I know it's hard -"

"No, you don't. You have no idea what it's like… When the monster from your nightmares comes back for you."

Emily broke eye contact and grimaced a little. That hit a little too close to home. For the briefest of moments Emily was flashing back to her most recent nightmare and the look on JJ's face when she was finally able to shake her awake. JJ did her best to hide it, but Emily could sometimes still see the panic in her eyes.

"Wait -"

"Look, I'm here as a courtesy…"

"Something happened to you."

JJ shifted uncomfortably on her feet. She knew this wasn't easy for her girlfriend. It was hard enough for Emily to talk about it with her. Having a total stranger see through the facade she worked so hard to build wasn't going to be easy for her.

"Do you want to give me your statement or not?"

"What did you do to him, huh? Did you arrest him like a good FBI agent? Or did you kill him?" JJ glanced at Hotch out of the corner of her eye. He continued looking forward. He wasn't going to stop this. JJ swallowed quietly.

"I didn't pull the trigger."

"Still… your monster's dead. I have to live with mine. That's my statement."

Emily left their hotel room early. JJ was in the shower when she made her escape. She didn't know what possessed her to do it. But she felt like she couldn't face JJ's eyes. Ever since the interrogation Emily had felt brittle and she knew that JJ's undivided attention would be enough to shatter her composure. JJ's rectitude made her feel insufficient at times. JJ was too good.

Emily sat quietly on the empty plane. She was having trouble keeping the tears in her eyes. She heard the familiar footsteps of Aaron Hotchner approach from behind. He sat across from her and she looked up at him a little embarrassed. He waited as she nodded, knowingly. Her bottom lip trembled a little.

"I'm having a bad day."