CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

9x20 Blood Relations

"Prentiss, I need a word," Hotch said quickly before disappearing into his office. Emily glanced at the rest of the team before dropping her bag by her desk. She vaguely took note of JJ sitting back down at her desk. They were about to go home. She would wait for her. Emily closed the door behind her and peered at Hotch unsure of herself.

"Hotch?" Emily sat down across from Hotch hesitantly.

"JJ's bureau-mandated probation period ends tonight. She's done everything by the book."

"...okay."

"But I'm not confident that she should be fully cleared. I have to make a decision by tomorrow morning." Emily opened her mouth to answer but paused. She had to be careful. Hotch studied her reluctance. "You don't agree with my hesitation?"

"No. It's not that. I just -" Emily took in a breath before unloading, "I just wonder if you would question every agent's spouse like this…?"

Hotch sighed in agreement. He looked down in what Emily assessed was contrition.

"You're right. I do trust your judgment, but I'm not going to put you in an awkward position."

This was her chance. Hotch was letting her go. She could leave. She could walk out and go home with her wife. She could go home and sleep. After the case in New York, she was exhausted.

"I don't think she should be cleared," Emily blurted out quickly. Her eyes went wide - like she was surprised by her own words.

She was going to pay for this. In a big way. But it also felt so good to finally tell someone. Because it was true - ever since JJ had returned, Emily didn't completely trust her judgment. She didn't feel sure about her. And when doing a job that involves complete trust and snap-second decisions, Emily wanted to be sure.

"I'm worried about her, Hotch. She needs help. And she won't let me."

Hotch looked back at her sympathetically. He set his jaw and took a breath in.

The next day, they sat around the conference room table discussing a case in West Virginia. Emily's knee was bouncing nervously. She was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Okay, let's get going," Hotch muttered. Everyone stood up to leave. "JJ, I need you to stay here and work with Garcia." he added. Everyone paused. JJ turned to Hotch, confusion plastered on her face. Penelope glanced between the two of them.

"Hotch…" She started slowly. "I'm off probation. There are no limits to my field hours anymore."

"I don't feel comfortable taking you off probation yet."

"What? Why?"

"This isn't a punishment, JJ," He said calmly. "It's just an assessment."

"Okay, well, your assessment is wrong," she argued back. She paused, realizing that maybe yelling at her boss wasn't the best look. "Hotch…"

JJ watched his eyes glance behind her then jerk back. JJ turned around. It was obvious. JJ knew what Emily's guilty face looked like. Her eyes went wide and she dropped her jaw slightly. Shame burned in Emily's eyes, but she didn't look away from her. She was determined to stick to her guns. JJ could hate her for this - but she still believed it was the right call.

JJ broke eye contact, turning back to Hotch. She huffed in angry disbelief. This was a betrayal. Emily had absolutely no right to go behind her back like that. She shot a glare at her and walked scornfully out of the room. Emily had to move slightly to let her by. Emily didn't turn to watch her leave. She didn't look at anyone. The air felt thick with awkwardness. After a long moment, Emily quickly turned to follow her.

"Wait, JJ, we should discuss this!" Emily was following her across the squad room, then down the private hallway that led to Garcia's office. JJ was walking with a purpose, trying to get there as fast as she could. Angry didn't even begin to describe this feeling.

"Here's a thought - no. Stop following me."

She was angry, Emily could tell. But her voice was just above a whisper. Neither of them wanted an audience for this.

"At least give me the chance to explain," Emily pleaded quietly. She was following her, just a couple steps behind. When JJ suddenly stopped and turned around Emily almost slammed into her. JJ stood, fuming. "JJ, please, I know how you feel…"

Seething, she said, "Really? Somehow I doubt that, Emily, because if you did, you would shut up and you would turn around and leave me alone."

JJ walked backwards a couple of steps staring Emily down before turning and walking away from her again. Her stride never broke. And Emily had no choice but to let her go. She sighed and fought the urge to cry. She'd never seen JJ this angry. Never. But underneath all of that anger was unbelievable suffering. And Emily saw that too.

"I can't believe you went to Hotch behind my back," JJ said, crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head in disbelief. JJ may have been in the mood to fight, but Emily wasn't. She just wanted to lay down.

"I didn't go to him - he came to me," she responded in a small voice.

"And you told him to bench me?" JJ asked dubiously.

"Not in so many words… I didn't know what else to do. I don't know what else to do. I don't think you should be cleared yet. You're not sleeping. You're barely eating. You flinch every time I touch you. You can't go on like this."

JJ raised her eyebrows, "Oh, okay," she scoffed in a sarcastic, knowing voice. "I can't go on like this? Or you can't?"

"That's not fair," Emily said softly. All of the fight had been taken out of her voice. Of course Emily missed her wife - but it was more than just physical. JJ was drowning and Emily didn't know how much longer she could just sit back and watch. JJ needed help. "I'm just trying to help you, Jennifer. Please, let me help you."

"This -" JJ started pointing a finger between the two of them. "This doesn't help me!"

"Okay, then tell me what will help you," Emily countered gently. JJ stared her down for a long moment. Her eyes were filling with tears. Emily thought maybe she had gotten through to her.

"I'm fine," JJ said through tears. She was fighting the emotion in the back of her throat.

"You are not fine." Emily said quickly. "We are not fine…"

The two just stood facing each other - neither willing to back down. They were at an impasse. Finally JJ sighed, "I'm gonna sleep on the couch." She grabbed a pillow off their bed and walked towards the door. "You won't have to worry about touching me," she added pointedly.

Emily watched her leave but didn't move from her spot. She wasn't going to be able to sleep. And she knew JJ wouldn't either. Granted, she hadn't been sleeping anyway.

JJ threw her pillow down and collapsed onto the couch. She closed her eyes, wincing at her own words. She regretted what she said. Of course Emily meant well. Of course she did it out of love. That wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that everything Emily had said was true. And JJ was scared out of her mind. When she was in the middle of it - the torture - she thought about Emily. She thought about surviving so she could get to her again. It was what kept her going. And then she had survived. She made it out and now Emily was right down the hall but she still couldn't get to her. And she figured she knew why.

There were still things JJ hadn't told her about the torture. She didn't know how. How could she tell her wife that some sick son of a bitch almost raped her? And that the reason she jumped everytime Emily touched her was because for a fraction of a second she could feel his hands on her again. It made JJ want to vomit. When she married Emily she never imagined being touched by anyone else for the rest of her life. She never wanted anyone else to touch her.

But it had been four weeks since the torture and she hadn't even been able to kiss her wife. Or let her wrap her arms around her at night. It was like the torture never ended. He was torturing her from beyond the grave.

JJ sat up suddenly. Enough was enough. She wasn't going to let him destroy her marriage. She quickly climbed back up the stairs, confidence building with each step.

Emily leaned against the bathroom counter. She closed her eyes and sighed. She refused to give up on JJ - no matter how hard she pushed her away. It wasn't in her nature. Emily opened the bathroom door but stopped mid-step when she saw JJ sitting on the edge of their bed, waiting for her. She looked different. Her anger had faded. She looked small.

"Emily, there's something I haven't told you." Her voice was so small and fragile, she sounded like a scared little kid. Emily looked at her anxiously. "Will you sit with me?"

JJ saw the apprehension in Emily's eyes. She didn't blame her - after the constant denial of any intimacy for four weeks, JJ couldn't expect anything less. But Emily made her way over to the bed. She sat purposefully at arm's length from JJ. JJ noticed. She hated that this was happening. She hated that she was hurting Emily. JJ took in a deep breath and closed her eyes painfully.

"There was something that happened that day. And I never told you because I thought saying it would make it worse. I was afraid you'd look at me differently."

Emily scrunched her eyebrows in grief. She couldn't stand seeing JJ like this.

"He - God..." JJ felt like she couldn't get the words out of her mouth. She began to cry a little. "He was going to rape me."

Emily held her face as neutral as she could but a raging fire had begun burning in her stomach.

"Tell me what happened," Emily urged softly. JJ looked unsure. She fell silent. "Nothing you say could make me look at you differently, Jennifer," Emily insisted.

"He was getting frustrated," JJ started. "Matt and I were holding out longer than he expected, I guess. But once I put in my code, Hastings knew the only way he could get to Matt was by using me."

Emily clenched her jaw but was determined to keep her full attention on JJ. She needed to know that she had her unconditional support. That nothing that happened could change the way she loved her. But she was glad he was dead - because if he wasn't she would hunt him down herself.

"He knew about you too." JJ said venomously. "Knew that we wanted a baby. He said that he could -" JJ swallowed thickly. She didn't want to say this next part. But it was eating away at her. It needed to be said. "That he could make us one -" JJ was sick. She never wanted Emily to hear those words.

Emily was teeming with disgust. She was disgusted by what he did to JJ. But she knew JJ didn't need Emily's fire right now - she needed support and comfort.

Emily watched her gather the willpower to say what was next. "He didn't -" She shook her head quickly, eyes pleading with Emily. "Matt stopped him before he could, but - he - he touched me," JJ finally got out. Her eyes shone with shame. "I'm so sorry Em," JJ said softly.

Emily couldn't take it any longer. She invaded JJ's space and was relieved when JJ welcomed her arms. JJ was trembling as buried her face in Emily's neck, sobs racking her body. Emily felt the bile rising in her throat. "Don't you dare apologize for what happened to you."

"It was supposed to be you and me. No one else was supposed to..."

"It is. It is you and me."

Emily held JJ gently in her arms until she stopped crying. Until all she was doing was laying her head on Emily's shoulder doing her best to ignore the anxiety she felt in her chest. Even this level of closeness wasn't easy for her. But it still felt good. Scary - but good. JJ pulled back and stared into her wife's loving eyes. They still looked at her the same. Like she was the prize instead of the winner.

"I want to try something…" JJ whispered tentatively.

Emily tried to read her expression but she found the task impossible. She just nodded her head supportively. And then JJ was leaning towards her. Emily watched her carefully. Her eyes closed and moments later she felt JJ's lips brush against hers.

After three weeks of no contact, Emily's entire body reacted to JJ's lips and she had to fight hard to hold herself still. JJ needed to be in charge of the pace. Emily knew that. She felt JJ kiss her a little deeper before gently pulling away. Her breathing was shallow and Emily could still see a slight trepidation in her gaze, but she also looked happy. JJ smiled in spite of herself. It felt strange to be proud to be able to kiss her own wife, but it also felt good.

"You okay?" Emily asked softly.

"Yeah…" JJ smiled sweetly. "I think it's - it's just going to take some time…" Emily nodded slowly. "It's not that I don't want you," JJ added quickly, but Emily cut her off.

"I know." Emily smiled supportively. A sort of awkward silence fell between them for a moment. Emily didn't know what to do with her hands. Before she wouldn't have hesitated in wrapping them around JJ. But not anymore. Emily smiled stiffly at her. It was JJ who spoke first.

"Em? Will you… will you hold me?"

Emily nodded, feeling slightly exhilarated at the thought of their bodies pressed against each other. JJ stood and pulled back the covers of the bed, sliding under them. Emily waited, unsure of what JJ wanted. She slowly got under the covers, laying on her back, and JJ fell easily into Emily's arms. Her head rested against Emily's shoulder, an arm thrown across Emily's waist. And somehow this felt brand new. Of course, there was nothing new about this at all, but Emily's heart was pounding like it was their first night together.

JJ closed her eyes tightly. She took in a deep breath. It smelled like Emily. She listened closely. It was Emily's familiar breathing. And the hands that were holding her were soft and gentle and benevolent - it wasn't him. It was Emily. This was Emily. And she was safe. It was a tactic she had learned once at a seminar meant to help victims of violent assault - close your eyes and use your other senses to ground yourself - to remind yourself that you are safe. She never thought she'd have to use it on herself.

"I love you, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."