CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

9x24 Demons

Here they sat again. In another city; in another hospital. But they were all the same. They smelled the same; they sounded the same. The air always had a heavy quality to it too. Like some kind of phantom burden was hanging over everyone who entered. Emily sat back frustratedly - today that burden was called guilt.

"It should've been me…"

JJ closed her eyes and shook her head, "Yeah. Or me, or any of us."

"No," Emily said quickly. JJ looked up at her. "He pushed me out of the way. If he doesn't make it -"

"He'll make it."

"He has to. He's just - he's too..." Emily didn't finish her thought but JJ understood what she meant. She scrunched her eyebrows and sighed.

"Yeah. There's still things for him to do." JJ paused and smiled to herself. "You know he wants kids? Can you imagine Spence as a dad?"

Emily smiled for the first time since she'd arrived in the hospital. "That would be the luckiest kid in the world. Cute too."

"No doubt," JJ chuckled in agreement. "Not as cute as ours, but still cute."

Emily's eyes whipped up. JJ looked up at her shyly as it dawned on her what she just said. On a couple occasions, they had talked about the miscarriage. Emily even joined JJ at her therapy appointment once. But they hadn't talked about trying again. And besides the bureau psychologist, no one else knew about it. It was an invisible burden. JJ knew she wasn't ready yet. But she also knew that her desire to be a mother hadn't gone away. And she hoped Emily felt the same way.

Emily looked at her with a loaded silence. It wasn't just the adrenaline of almost getting shot - it wasn't just the dread and guilt coursing through her veins thinking about Spencer - Her heart was racing at the implications of JJ's words. She stared cautiously. This felt different. JJ had never brought it up so casually.

They both opened their mouths to speak but were cut off by Penelope. Emily gave JJ one last look before standing and pulling Penelope in for a hug.

"I need a shower," Emily muttered as she walked into her bedroom. JJ was trailing not far behind her. It was late. Well past midnight - but Emily knew the shower was more about washing the remients of the case off than it was about cleaning herself. JJ had been more quiet than usual but Emily thought nothing of it after the day they'd had. She reached into the shower stall and turned the water on. When she turned around she caught a glimpse of her wife's face. The look in her eyes gave her pause. There was a light in them. Like a flame dancing in a dark room. It sent a shiver down Emily's back. Because she knew that look. She just hadn't seen it for a long time.

JJ began slowly making her way across the small room and stopped when she stood face to face with Emily. They both looked at each other, both profoundly aware of what was going to happen. JJ reached out to take hold of Emily's forearms, silently asking her to pull her in. Emily was watching JJ quietly, hesitant to return the gesture. JJ couldn't blame her for being unsure. JJ felt a little unsure herself. It felt like rediscovering a familiar place.

JJ gave her a reassuring smile and was relieved when she felt Emily's hands begin to pull her in slowly. Emily took a moment to revel in their proximity. She could feel the warmth of her skin, smell her scent. She could feel JJ's soft breath. JJ dragged her hands up Emily's body to cup her face and pull her in gently. This kiss was different. It was slow and deliberate. JJ hadn't kissed her like that since before her abduction. Emily fully wrapped her arms around JJ's waist and pulled her in closer. It felt like coming up for air.

JJ's hands slid under Emily's shirt. Emily jumped a little at the feeling. JJ smiled tenderly. Emily watched as JJ carefully began to undo the buttons on her dress shirt. It was fascinating to Emily - how JJ stared at each button as she undid them, like she was taking each into consideration before slipping it off. She was so captivating. Emily watched carefully - every facial expression, every nuance. When JJ had finished with her shirt, her eyes drifted up. JJ knew Emily had been watching her with that intense look. That intensity that said more than words could. JJ shamelessly stared at the skin she had just uncovered. There was a desire building somewhere deep in JJ's gut. She started to slide Emily's shirt off, but Emily stopped her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she said, nodding.

After another moment, Emily released JJ's arms and let her shirt fall to the floor. JJ kissed her again. The desire in her gut was spreading through her. She wanted more. But Emily was holding back. She had always been a conscientious lover, but this was different. She was treating her like she was going to break.

"Emily, please."

JJ took Emily's hands and placed them on her belt. Emily looked down at her hands. She wanted JJ so badly - it had been so long since they'd been like this. She felt the hair on her neck standing up, the flutter in her chest that only JJ could give her. The one that made her feel alive. But she was afraid. Afraid of moving too fast - afraid that perhaps JJ wasn't really ready for this like she thought she was. When Emily brought her eyes up to JJ's, she saw the certainty in them. She saw the longing.

Emily leaned in, resting their foreheads together briefly before kissing her again. JJ could feel the difference. Emily was letting go. She was letting herself fall. Emily began to undo JJ's belt, then the button of her jeans. JJ shivered as she felt Emily's hands on the skin just above her pants. She held her arms up and Emily pulled her shirt off.

Soon, they were under the warm water of the shower. Emily watched as the water soaked into JJ's hair turning it from blonde to dark brown. Emily pushed it out of JJ's face, framing her face with her hands and leaning in to kiss her slowly. JJ's lips moved to kiss Emily's jaw and then trail across her neck. Emily's breath was shallow. She wrapped her arms around JJ, holding her close.

"I missed you," Emily whispered.

JJ pulled her lips away from Emily's skin and rested her forehead against the side of her neck. She breathed in deeply. She knew what Emily meant. Sure, they had been living together and sleeping in the same bed, but this was the most intimate they'd been in months. This was the most vulnerable JJ had allowed herself to be in months. She had her arms wrapped around Emily. Chest to chest. Emily swayed them back and forth a little. JJ could feel the tension in her body draining away. The anxiety she had felt for months was dissipating.

The skin on Emily's back felt cold. JJ gently turned so that they were both under the water. She pulled back from the embrace to stare into Emily's eyes.

"I'm really glad I married you."

"Yeah, we made a good call on that one," Emily responded playfully, earning her a grin from her wife.

JJ gently pushed Emily's back against the wall of the shower stall and began her exploration. Emily's mind was on fire. All she had wanted for months was to hold her wife. To be able to provide her some kind of comfort - some kind of relief from the pain Emily knew she was suffering. But beyond that - she longed for her. She longed to touch her, to kiss her. And now that she had the chance, Emily felt like it was too good to be true.

But it was definitely JJ's skin that she was touching. It was her lips that she was tasting. Emily could hear her soft, familiar moans, and could smell her familiar scent. This was really happening. JJ took one of Emily's hands and placed it on her breast. She knew she was still holding back a little. Still testing the waters. Emily let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. JJ kissed her deeply.

"You feel so good," JJ breathed against Emily's lips. Emily swallowed thickly, dropping her head to kiss JJ's shoulder. Emily turned her around and JJ felt the cold tile against her back. JJ felt her wife letting go a little more. Her kisses were becoming less measured and more desperate. JJ could tell that this was just as therapeutic for Emily as it was for her. They both needed this.

She woke well before the sun and well before her alarm. JJ was still in a peaceful sleep. It had been a very long time since JJ had slept this well. Emily slowly removed herself from behind her and rolled away from JJ. Emily swung her legs over the side of the bed and sighed. She didn't know what she was doing. She should be basking in JJ - basking in the way she was getting to hold her- in the way her skin felt. Emily looked back over her shoulder and smiled at the sleeping woman. God she loved her. Loved her so much it hurt. Emily stood and grabbed her robe. She walked quietly around the bed so she could see JJ's face. JJ stirred a little - shifting in her sleep. Emily kneeled down and pulled the sheets up on her. She tucked them around her gently before pausing to stare at her again.

She was going to be okay. Emily had to keep telling herself that. JJ was recovering. Slowly but surely. Emily padded her way across the floor and out of their room. She closed the door quietly behind her. The first place she went was the back porch. She didn't know why, but she felt like she needed the fresh air. It was cool against her skin. The way the Virginia mornings felt in early spring. Once the chill in the air had sunk into her bones, she went back in.

Emily glided into the kitchen, mind clouded with the events of the previous night. She closed her eyes. She could still feel her hands. JJ had seemed like herself for the first time in months. It was a relief. But part of Emily resisted the urge to believe it was permanent. Maybe she was just being cynical. But lately, Emily had felt like she was free falling. It wasn't that she didn't have faith in JJ, but there was a difference between loving and falling in love. Because the cynic in her believed that everything that falls gets broken.

Emily watched the kettle as it heated up. She poured the water into a french press and studied the grounds of coffee suspended in the water. They floated - like they were beyond the pull of gravity. It was strangely mesmerizing to her sleepy mind.

"I woke up to an empty bed."

Emily jumped a little. She hadn't heard JJ at all. Emily's eyes softened as she looked at her wife. JJ was leaning casually against the door frame, a robe wrapped tightly around her. Her hair was slightly disheveled, eyes still heavy with sleep. Emily opened her mouth to say something but closed it again. JJ pushed herself off the door frame and began walking slowly over to Emily. She looked a little nervous.

"Look, I know it's been a long time. And we've been out of sync lately…" JJ looked down at her hand, which was tracing the edge of the countertop. "I don't know how it was for you, but for me, it was pretty great -"

Emily looked at her confused, before it dawned on her what JJ was saying.

"Jennifer," Emily whispered, shaking her head in disbelief. Was she really worried that Emily didn't enjoy herself?

"It's not out of the realm of possibility," JJ insisted, looking up from the counter and tilting her head to the side. She looked unsure.

"Jay," Emily said quickly. She reached out for JJ's hands and gently pulled her in. Emily wrapped JJ's arms around her own waist and then ran her hands up JJ's arms. "I need you to hear me when I tell you that last night -" she paused, "was one of the best nights of my life."

JJ was warmhearted by the resolution in Emily's words. And she could tell her words were true.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Emily breathed back, with a faint smile.

JJ leaned in and kissed her. The first kiss was brief and light, but Emily pulled her back in for a deeper one. She still was on a high from the previous night. By the time they pulled back, they were both breathing hard. JJ leaned her forehead against Emily's. She could feel her wife's hands shaking a little bit on her waist.

"You want some coffee?" Emily asked in a raspy voice. JJ smiled - she loved the way Emily sounded when she was clearly hot and bothered. JJ pulled back and opened her eyes. She smiled and nodded. Emily took an extra moment to look at JJ before turning to get two mugs out. JJ drifted over to a stool at the kitchen counter. She brought her hand to cover her mouth and watched Emily.

She studied every minute facial expression. Before she knew it, a wave of guilt was washing over her. This woman had been holding her together for months and she never once asked for anything in return. JJ had been so wrapped up in her own suffering that she had practically ignored Emily's. She lost a child that day too. And suddenly, JJ felt incredibly insensitive for acting like it was only her burden to carry. Emily was grieving too. Silently - privately.

Emily placed a mug of coffee in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Emily," JJ whispered softly.

Emily shook her head a little. She wasn't interested in JJ punishing herself for being traumatized. It was pointless - it wouldn't do any good anyway. A memory flashed behind her eyes and she smiled wistfully. Emily paused, looking down, before taking in a quick breath.

"Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at the BAU? Right before you showed me into the conference room?"

JJ looked at her, thrown off by the question. She knew what Emily was trying to do - change the topic - relieve some of her guilt. JJ smiled faintly and thought back.

"Yeah, I said 'prepare yourself - because you're never going to go back to a time before you met Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia.'"

JJ smiled, and Emily chuckled a little.

"That was the moment I knew I liked you." Emily took a sip of coffee, gazing at JJ over the brim of the mug.

JJ did nothing but stare back at her. She felt the tears forming in her eyes - it was as if every emotion in her body was fighting to be seen. The shame she felt for how she'd treated Emily for weeks. The nearly unbearable grief she felt for a baby she'd lost before she even knew it existed. The swell of appreciation and love she felt for her wife.

Emily rounded the counter and pulled her in for a hug. She ran a hand up and down her back.

"We're okay. I promise."