CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

12x02 Sick Day

JJ wasn't sure she blinked once until Luke came to sit with her. She didn't want to. If she focused hard enough on something she could see in front of her she wouldn't see the burning warehouse. She wouldn't see the terror in the little boy's eyes. But most of all, she wouldn't see the roaring flames that engulfed the child she had chosen to help last…

"You all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Oh, you know, this? This hurts like hell, but, yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

"Do you need anything?"

"No. I'm okay. Really - I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You know, I've seen you look fine. That's not it. I know I'm the new guy and everything, but, uh, I'm here if you need me."

"Listen, I just - I just need my own bed. That's all."

"If you wanna talk, I'm around."

"Hey Luke? Um… Thank you… For what you did."

"You don't need to thank me. We're a team."

JJ entered her house with a heavy sigh. She locked the door behind her and leaned against it momentarily. She had been on the verge of tears all evening. Now in the dark silent comfort of her own house, they were threatening to fall again. She opened her eyes quickly and leaned her head back, trying her best to keep the tears in her eyes.

As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, JJ took inventory of her house. It had been five days since she'd been home. It wasn't supposed to be that long. It was supposed to be two days - maximum. But one case turned into two; and two days turned into five. Emily had been taking care of their boys by herself. The living room looked like a warzone. JJ smiled to herself. How could people so little do so much damage?

At the top of the stairs, JJ heard something in the distance. She walked down the hall, following the noise. It was the shower. She peaked her head into the twins' room. The bathroom light was on.

"Emily?"

"Shh…" Emily responded. She was saying more to the boy in her arms than she was to JJ. It was Michael in her arms. She was rocking him gently.

"Why is the shower running?" JJ asked in an anxious whisper.

"Shh, it's okay," Emily said in a ghost of a whisper. She put Michael down in his crib gently and led JJ out into the hallway.

"Babe, it's three in the morning."

"What happened to your hand?" Emily asked, looking down, alarmed. JJ pulled her hand back, ignoring the question.

"What's going on? Why are you up?"

"Michael's sick. He has croup."

"Oh, no."

"Yeah, it's pretty bad."

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I've been pretty busy with both of them."

"Does Henry have it too?" She asked anxiously.

"No. No, not yet, anyway."

"Did you call the doctor?"

"Of course I did."

"Well, what did he say? Did he prescribe anything?"

"Just steam showers, cool night air, and watch his breathing. Some ibuprofen for the fever and the pain."

"When did this happen?"

"Well, he started going south last night, but tonight the cough's really bad."

"Babe, you should have told me," JJ replied in disbelief. She knew it was the exhaustion talking. The last thing she needed was to come home to a sick child.

"Why? So you could worry while you were on a case? There's nothing you could have done."

"It doesn't matter. You should have called me."

"What, you don't think I can handle it?" Emily asked, pointedly.

"I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

JJ stared back at her wife. This was not a fight she wanted to have right now. And she could tell Emily didn't want to either.

"Forget it," JJ whispered trying to bypass her and go back into the kids' room.

"Hey, where are you going?" Emily asked, reaching out and grabbing JJ's arm.

"To sit with him. The doctor said to watch his breathing, right?"

"The monitors are on." Emily narrowed her eyes and tilted her head to the side slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just - can I please take care of my son?"

Emily furrowed her brow at JJ's comment. She knew JJ didn't mean to, but what she was insinuating still hurt - that she didn't think Emily could take care of Michael as well as she could.

"He's sleeping. Trust me, you don't want to wake him up. JJ, come on, look at me. What is it? What's going on? You wanna talk about it?" JJ shook her head and dropped her eyes again. "Well, you know we have to, right? Remember what the bureau therapist said. No holding it in, ever. We bring it home, we gotta get it out."

JJ glanced to the side. There was a framed picture of Emily, Michael, and Henry. She took it a couple months ago. It was one of her favorite pictures she'd ever taken. Emily noticed her gaze.

"It was kids, wasn't it?"

JJ nodded, unable to speak.

"Yeah. Come here." Emily gently held her face between her hands and kissed JJ's forehead before pulling her in for a hug. "Listen, I'm gonna go downstairs and put some coffee on so we can talk. Okay?" Emily pulled back to look at her wife. "Alright?"

"Okay." When JJ finally spoke it came as less than a whisper. A ghost of a voice.

"Not gonna get much sleep tonight anyway." Emily leaned in and kissed her briefly. "I'm glad you're back."

JJ edged awkwardly into the kitchen. She could smell the coffee brewing. When she turned the corner she found Emily reaching for two coffee mugs. Emily glanced in her wife's direction. She could tell that JJ was silently apologizing for questioning her. She lingered by the far end of the counter. Emily glanced down at the bandage.

"How's that hand?"

"Kills."

"What'd you do to it?"

"Burned it."

Emily turned quietly and picked up the full coffee pot. She poured it into the mugs, placing one in front of a chair by the counter. JJ watched as Emily took the lid off the creamer and set it down. Then she picked up the sugar and put it next to the mug and the cream. JJ smiled faintly as she watched her. Emily placed a spoon on the counter before looking back at her wife.

"You want me to sit there?" JJ said with a hint of a joke. Emily stared back and JJ saw there was no more avoiding the conversation. She walked over to the counter slowly and sighed as she sat down. Emily gazed at her tiredly and JJ began her story.

"So, did you get an exact cause of death?"

"Um, based on the amount of smoke inhalation, we knew that he burned those kids alive. All four of them." JJ met Emily's eyes for a moment before covering her face with her hand. "You know what? Uh, can - can we please do this in the morning? I'm really tired."

She started to get up, avoiding Emily's eyes and trying to bypass her and leave the kitchen. But Emily cut her off quickly.

"JJ -" She whispered gently. She stood in front of her.

"I'm exhausted."

"You cannot go to sleep with this in your head. It's not healthy. You've gotta get it out." Emily put a gentle hand under her wife's chin and pulled it up so that she looked at her. "You have to… And I just had two cups of coffee, so neither one of us is gonna sleep…"

JJ smiled thankfully. It was in moments like these that she felt especially grateful for her wife. Emily wasn't always good at expressing her love in words, but she always showed her with actions. Emily kissed her cheek softly.

"Come on…" Emily said, pressing her gently to continue.

JJ leaned her forehead against Emily's with a sad smile. JJ studied Emily's closed eyes. She looked exhausted. Older too. JJ was beginning to see the years. In the ten they'd known each other, she could see the difference - in both of them. She liked it though. She liked knowing that she had been with her long enough to notice.

"Francesca Morales. 16 years old. Broad daylight. No witnesses. Nothing. I'll never understand how that happens. It's a huge city. I mean, everyone's on their camera phones and no one sees a 16-year-old girl go missing?" JJ slammed down her mug and coffee spilled all over the counter.

"It happens…" Emily said sadly, reaching for a towel to clean up the mess.

That's when JJ heard Michael coughing. He sounded awful. Like he couldn't breathe. He sounded like them. And before she knew it, JJ was back in that warehouse. Back in the fire. She could hear the kids coughing from the smoke. She could hear them screaming her name. She snapped out of the flashback.

"I got - I got it," JJ said.

"It's okay, I got it. Just relax."

"Emily! Emily, let me go look after him, okay?"

"All right."

Emily turned and watched the baby monitor. Michael was sitting up in his crib. He was coughing and crying. Emily watched her wife come around the bed and reach for him. Picking him up and rubbing a comforting hand across his back. "It's okay. It's okay. Mama's here." She watched JJ kiss the side of his face. "I love you."

When she came back down the stairs, JJ found Emily sitting quietly on the bottom step. She was leaning her head against the railing. It looked as though if it weren't for the coffee, she would've been asleep.

"Hey."

"He still has a fever." JJ came around to sit by her side.

"Well, we can give him some more medicine in a couple hours," Emily muttered, staring at her feet.

"Yeah. That cough, though."

"Yeah, tell me about it. First time I heard it I thought we were headed to the E.R."

JJ turned to gaze at Emily. She didn't say anything for a long moment. Emily turned to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry," JJ whispered guiltily.

"About what?"

"Snapping at you." Emily looked down again and nodded her head appreciatively. "I know it's hard when I'm not here. And it's probably harder when I am here."

Emily laughed dryly as JJ wrapped an arm around one of hers and leaned her head down to rest on her shoulder.

"I love you too," Emily replied genuinely. "So what happened next?"

JJ paused at the sink. They had moved their conversation back into the kitchen. She was rinsing out her dirty coffee cup. "You know, it's funny. I used to do that all the time. You know, talk to the families. But ever since we had kids, the worst part of the job, hands down. Actually, I used to think I was helping those people."

"You are helping those people."

"Her name is Renee. Single mom. Registered nurse. Her husband Tony was killed in Afghanistan six years ago…" Emily watched JJ's eyes glaze over as she remembered. "She's a working mom. She's trying to do her best. She was just like anybody, you know?"

"Just like anybody or just like you?"

"I just kept wondering… how… how she's doing it all alone. I don't know what I'd do without you." Emily was holding JJ's unburned hand in both of hers. She mindlessly traced with her fingers across her palm. "And that wasn't even the hardest part. Francesca had a little brother…"

"Wow, I was hungrier than I thought."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Uh, I don't know. This morning?"

Emily shook her head and chuckled. "You mean yesterday morning? Do you want some more?"

"Um, no, thank you. I don't - I don't understand why your eggs are so good."

"They're not, you're just always hungry and you can't cook," Emily answered playfully.

"Oh yeah?" JJ said with an amused smile.

"Hmm," Emily hummed as JJ leaned in for a brief kiss. JJ brought her legs over to rest on Emily's lap. She leaned her head on Emily's shoulder and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"Remember when we used to have breakfast like this all the time?"

"Yeah."

"Just you and me."

"A long time ago." JJ laughed a little, keeping her eyes closed and allowing the warmth of Emily's body to soak into her. It hadn't really been that long, but their lives had become so busy lately it felt that way. "You know, they always ask for you - whenever you're gone. They keep taking my phone so they can look at pictures."

"They do the same with you," JJ breathed. "We miss so much, Emily." She added. "It's going so fast too."

"I know. But we both know you won't be happy unless you're on the job. Neither of us would."

JJ smiled at Emily. She was right - it was foolish to think there was a perfect solution. Nothing was perfect - but this was pretty close. JJ leaned into her lips softly. Even in her exhausted state - even though she had kissed Emily hundreds of times before, JJ still felt the flutter in her chest. It was a different flutter now - more familiar. But it never stopped giving her a high - kissing the woman she loved.

"You stay here and let me get this," Emily said, gesturing to the empty plates in front of them.

"Yes, ma'am," JJ replied with a slight glint in her eye. Emily gently removed her wife's legs from her lap, standing and clearing the counter.

"They were alive?" Emily asked. Even though she was preoccupied re-dressing the burn on her hand, JJ nodded silently. She couldn't bring herself to speak. Emily gently wrapped another layer of gauze around her wife's hand. JJ knew what was coming next. "And you ran in there, didn't you?"

JJ's silence spoke volumes. Emily didn't even need to look at her to know the answer. JJ ducked her head, in an attempt to meet Emily's eyes.

"You look mad."

"I'm not mad."

"I didn't think. I just reacted."

"I know. It's okay. I would've done the same thing if there were kids trapped in a burning building. It doesn't mean I have to like hearing about you doing it, though. So I guess that's how you hurt yourself, huh?"

"Yeah, but that happened later…"

Emily listened quietly as JJ recounted the horrors of the fire. The story felt all too familiar - like she'd lived it before. After years at the BAU, sometimes Emily felt like she was playing out the same scenarios over and over. She saw similarities in cases. She saw old victims in new ones. And she'd tell herself that next time she'd be a little faster - or smarter - or take a different approach. But that road led to insanity. And Emily knew it. She didn't want to watch JJ go down it.

"I couldn't let him be alone. So I sat with him until his mom got there. And then… I had to tell her what just happened."

JJ squeezed her eyes closed and hung her head. The early morning light was streaming into the kitchen, glistening on the tears running down her cheeks. Emily stood in front of her watching her anguish. She ran her hands up and down JJ's arms comforting her. She loved that JJ cared so deeply. She loved that she was so protective of children. But she hated days like these - when that love tore her apart.

"You spend a lot of time telling people they can't blame themselves. So maybe you ought to take your own advice. You saved that boy's life and a woman, too."

"Yeah, what about Francesca's?"

"That wasn't your fault."

"Oh, who's fault was it?" She bit back sarcastically.

"The unsub. And now because of you, he's never gonna be able to do that to anyone again."

"Now she's dead because I made a choice."

"No, don't. That monster killed her."

"No, I chose Roberto. You want to know why? Because he reminded me of Henry and Michael. That's it. I didn't even realize it till later, you know? Maybe if I went to her first, I - I could've saved both of them. You know, I shouldn't have sent Luke out. We could've saved all of them. I know that."

"Or maybe you'd all be dead," Emily countered. "JJ you're gonna drive yourself crazy with the 'what if's.' You made a choice, the best choice you could, and two people are alive because of it. You're a hero, Jennifer Jareau. Come here."

JJ welcomed Emily's arms. She rested her cheek on her shoulder. The tears on her face soaked into Emily's shirt. JJ let out a soft sob and Emily tightened her arms a little. They both turned their heads at a sound coming from the baby monitor. It looked like their boys were awake.

JJ reached for Emily's hand and pulled her towards the stairs. Emily watched a glimmer come back into JJ's eyes as she opened the door to find Michael standing in his crib and reaching up to her. She lifted him up into her arms and immediately felt his forehead.

"His fever broke," JJ said with relief.

Emily crossed the room to pick up a groggy Henry. "Good morning, Henry," Emily whispered. She kissed the top of his head and turned back towards JJ. "Look who's home…"