CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

12x13 Spencer

She could put on a smile. She could talk to her friends and do her job and take care of her children. No one could tell - because it was a convincing smile. But she was struggling. They both were. It had been four months since Hotch had left, and Emily being Unit Chief was already starting to wear on their marriage. JJ knew it was mostly that they were having trouble adjusting to their new schedule. And she knew Emily felt exactly the same way, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard. Predictably, Emily's hours had extended, and when it came down to it, JJ missed her. In one fell swoop, her wife's hours nearly doubled, and she'd lost Emily as a co-worker too. She wasn't just a desk away anymore. She couldn't glance up and see her working on her computer. She couldn't casually walk over to bounce ideas off her anymore. It meant a lot less face time. And while it wasn't Emily's fault that she'd been busy, they needed to find a better balance - JJ was determined to.

And it wasn't just Emily that had been more distant lately. Spencer was also acting odd. He was under so much stress from taking care of his mother. And he had been missing work a lot lately. JJ couldn't get him to open up - neither could Emily.

Emily hung up the phone with Matt Cruz. She felt like she was going to be sick. David was next to her, walking down the hallway towards the rest of the team. Emily couldn't help but flashback to her last private interaction with Spencer. It was in Palm Springs. He looked so troubled and sad and lost. And it seemed like no matter what she said, it didn't relieve any of it. Emily frowned, cursing herself for not noticing. For not pushing him to talk to her.

"Spencer. I couldn't be more proud of you…"

"Why?" He looked confused. He looked defeated.

"Because it's difficult caring for family. But it takes tremendous strength to ask for help."

She shook her head. The irony of the whole thing was brutal. If only Spencer had been honest with her or JJ or anyone - then maybe none of this would be happening. Emily and David came around the corner to find Penelope, Luke, and JJ chatting casually. One look at her wife and JJ felt her stomach drop.

"What's wrong?"

"Reid is in jail… In Mexico."

"What the hell is he doing down there?" JJ demanded.

"I don't know, I didn't talk to him. The call came in to Cruz from their lead investigator."

JJ flinched slightly at the mention of Matt. It wasn't that they weren't friends - but thinking about him brought her back to the worse day of her life. And she preferred not to revisit it. Emily walked quickly over to her office; Dave to his. JJ followed her closely.

"Emily, what are -" JJ said, coming quickly into her office.

Emily was already packing her laptop and a couple case files into a bag. JJ's question died on her tongue - she was thrown off.

"You're leaving?"

Emily slowed her packing, glancing up at her wife regretfully. She let out a breath. "Yeah… I have to. He's a member of my team."

JJ shook her head a little. She gave her a pointed look. "When were you going to tell me?"

Emily responded with an aching sigh. "JJ - did you really think I'd leave without telling you?" JJ put her hands on her hips and clenched her jaw. She looked down at her feet. "Jay -"

"This sucks, Emily," she interrupted almost immediately.

"I know, but whatever is going on with Spencer, we'll straighten it out."

"No, not that," JJ responded, frustratedly. "Well - not just that." Emily waited for JJ to elaborate. "You and me - this isn't working."

Emily knew JJ was right. But there was no way they were going to reach a satisfying resolution in the five minutes she had before boarding her flight.

"I know it's not," Emily agreed softly. She came around her desk, and walked past JJ to close her office door. Emily turned back to her wife. "But we can't do this right now."

JJ agreed with her, but she was so frustrated. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know."

JJ nodded, "Well, in that case, I'm going to have to use some of my annual leave, boss," she muttered, turning around. Emily reached out and grabbed JJ's arm.

"Hey - don't do that," she said desperately. "I'm doing the best I can."

JJ held her face neutral for a long beat before finally sighing. Her shoulders slumped a little. That's when Emily saw it… there was something else. There was a horrible mixture of fear and guilt in JJ's eyes.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"I - I had a feeling…" Emily looked back at her unsure of what JJ was trying to say. "For weeks, I've had this horrible gut feeling about Spence and now he -" JJ couldn't finish her sentence. Emily shook her head a little. She knew how important Spencer was to her - but blaming herself for this? Not only was it useless, it also was just plain wrong.

"Jennifer -"

"Usually I can read him. I can't believe I didn't pick up on this. I should've made him open up." Tears were shining in her eyes.

"He was pulling away," Emily said softly. "He didn't want you to know, and there's no way you would have guessed he'd end up in Mexico." Emily closed the distance and hugged her. Her voice dropped into a whisper. "We all missed the signs. But we can still help him. And we will."

JJ frowned and quickly wiped the tears out of her eyes. "He's my best friend…"

"I know."

JJ leaned her head against Emily's shoulder and breathed her in. It struck her that this was the first time in weeks they'd slowed down - this was the first time in weeks Emily had held her.

"I miss you…"

"I know."

"How are you holding up?" Stephen asked, somberly.

JJ wrapped her hands around her fresh cup of coffee. How in the world was she going to answer that question…? She was still on her feet, but her strength was definitely wavering.

"Well, it's been quite a year, but… this…"

He studied her eyes and it was clear. "You two are close."

"He's my best friend," she answered. Sometime ago, Spencer Reid had weaseled his way into her heart. She knew without a doubt that Emily was the love of her life, but Spencer Reid may very well be her soulmate. "Yeah, he's stronger than anyone knows, but he is not equipped to be locked up."

"Well, I never thought I'd say this, but maybe the drugs are helping with any anxiety."

"Well, I thought the same. I mean, I want him to come down, but then when he's sober, time's gonna stand still and that will drive him crazy." Kind of like it was driving her crazy. JJ closed her eyes and pictured her wife. She knew Emily would do anything for her team. She just hoped it was enough this time.

Emily's hands were shaking. She didn't know what to do. She kept looking between her phone and Reid. Her friend. Her children's godfather. His back was to her - still sitting in the holding cell. She knew exactly what protocol told her to do. But she wasn't sure she was going to follow it. The faces of her team members kept flashing through her mind. What would Hotch do? What would Derek do? What would JJ do…? She knew the answer to that particular question - her wife would do anything to protect Spencer. Even if it meant it destroyed her. But Emily didn't know what she would do. What would allow her to sleep at night? Next to JJ…?

She glanced down at the voice recording on her phone. It was only two minutes and twenty-five seconds long. But it was enough to bury him. She glanced nervously to the side, her thumb hovering over the delete button. It would be so easy. It would be like it never even existed… The ringing of her phone made her jump. Emily took a deep breath and answered the call.

The look on JJ's face when the elevator doors opened gave Emily a brief reprieve from the stress she'd been surrounded by for days. Of course, Emily didn't want to let Spencer down, but she also didn't want to let JJ down. She didn't want to fail her - because she felt like she had been lately. And Emily knew what Spencer meant to her. JJ hugged him and glanced briefly over his shoulder at Emily. They made a silent promise to talk later.

"We know you didn't do anything wrong," JJ said, pulling back from the embrace and gazing up into Spencer's eyes.

Emily felt a brief twinge of envy. It lasted less than a second - gone so quickly she'd almost missed it. But that's definitely what it was… because watching them, it had occurred to her that she may never understand the love JJ had for Spencer. That JJ loved him in a way that she'd never love Emily. And knowing that made Emily sad. It was a new kind of ache… a sort of inescapable powerlessness.

"But I should have told you guys I was going there. I never - never imagined in a million years it would have turned out like this."

"No one thought that this could have happened. Look, you're not in this alone anymore. Okay? No secrets."

Emily furrowed her brow at this. She was keeping a secret… and for JJ's protection, she would continue to keep it. Spencer smiled halfheartedly.

"Deal."