CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

12x16 Assistance Is Futile

"How are you doing?"

Spencer hesitated. JJ had just sat down and she was already holding back tears. He knew he couldn't honestly answer that question.

"I'm okay. I, uh, I'm really happy to see you. I just - I kind of wish you hadn't come. It's not a good idea."

"Sorry. You're stuck with me. Garcia has us on shifts, and she of course took first dibs, but, uh, they needed her in the office for a case, so I was the lucky one."

"A case? JJ, you should not be here."

"The last time I saw you, I promised you would not be alone. I am just trying to keep up the best way I can."

The conversation flowed as normally as it could, given the circumstances. She just wanted to hug him. He was within an arm's length. It seemed ridiculous that they could sit face to face like this and there was nothing she could do to help him. It was surreal in the worst way possible.

"I'd love to get a piece of that, huh?" Came a gravelly voice from across the room. JJ looked down awkwardly and Spencer turned to see who was speaking.

"Hey, quiet in there!" A guard yelled immediately. But as Spencer turned back towards her, she could see the obvious disgust on his face.

"It's okay. It's not my first time in a prison. I can handle it."

"Sorry. I don't want them looking at you."

"I know. I don't either. But if that's the price I have to pay to see you, I'm okay with that."

Spencer sighed. He refocused on JJ, but she could tell he was still bothered. "You haven't mentioned Emily…" He hinted cautiously. JJ looked down at her hands. She knew Spencer was a literal genius, but she just figured he was too preoccupied with his mother and his subsequent arrest to notice their marital problems.

"Yeah, well… I'm afraid I don't have much to say…" She tried to say casually, but Spencer saw right through her. He always did.

"Jennifer, what's going on with you guys? It's not you and Emily to give up."

JJ shook her head, alarm in her eyes, "Hey, I'm not giving up on my marriage, Spence. Not by a long shot. Things are hectic right now… that's it." Her eyes were wide with determination. JJ felt her heart beating hard. Even the mere thought of losing Emily scared the hell out of her. But Spencer wasn't wrong… in a way, they were lost. She just hoped they would find their way back.

"It's my fault," Spencer said softly.

"No, Spence, don't even go there."

"Why not? It's true. I know how hard things have been with her becoming Unit Chief and now this? You checking up on my mother everyday and Emily working with my lawyer around the clock - tell me how this isn't my fault?"

JJ stayed quiet. That last part hit a little harder than it should have. But she knew it was futile to keep up this back and forth. Instead, she leaned down into her purse and took out a folded piece of paper. She opened it for Spencer to see. The sloppy picture was filled with color and happiness.

"What's that?"

"It's a present from Henry and Michael…" Spencer brought a hand to cover his mouth. He was shaking with grief, trying to keep his emotions in check. "So, that is you," she said pointing to a blob that had the faint shape of a human being, "and that is Michael," she pointed to another blob, "and Henry." She smiled painfully. "It's from that day we went to the park."

"It's beautiful. Tell them I love it," Spencer choked out quickly.

Emily threw a stack of papers down on the desk in front of her. She leaned back in her chair with a frustrated sigh. Fiona looked up from what she was writing. She eyed Emily cautiously.

"You okay?"

"Yeah - no," she answered quickly. "…I don't know." Emily brought her hand up to her face and pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers. Her wedding ring caught the early morning sunlight and glistened. Fiona put down her pen and leaned in a little.

"When was the last time you slept?" She asked softly.

Emily opened her eyes. She considered telling Fiona the truth for a brief moment. Then Emily shook her head a little, "I'm fine."

"Oh," she huffed, "I know that tone." Fiona too leaned back in her chair and smiled a little.

"What tone?" Emily asked.

"Emily, I've known you long enough to know when you're lying to me."

Emily winced a little. She was flashing back to Italy again - to the end of their relationship. I know when you're lying… There was a long silence.

"So, are you ever going to introduce me to her?" Fiona asked.

"Who?" Emily asked casually. But they both knew who she was referring to. Emily sighed. "You've already met JJ."

"No, I've met SSA Jennifer Jaraeu…" Fiona tilted her head to the side. "Does she know about us?"

"Of course she does - she's my wife." Emily said, with maybe a little too much gall. But she was quickly becoming uninterested in whatever this was. Fiona narrowed her eyes a little, but she didn't push the topic any further. Emily tried to refocus on the paper in front of her, but her mind wandered. JJ had never explicitly asked how their relationship ended - so, Emily had never told her. But it was beginning to feel like a burden.

Hours later, Emily closed her front door quietly behind her. She could hear the beautiful sound of her family talking in the distance. The warm lights and the giggle of children drew her in like a moth to a flame. She put her purse down and quickly took off her jacket. She peeked around the corner to get a glimpse - a warmth spread through her chest at the sight before her. JJ sitting at the kitchen table between their sons, eating dinner. She looked happy. Emily hoped she was happy. JJ deserved to be happy…

"Momma!" Henry squealed excitedly. He was the first to notice her. JJ looked up, eyes softening.

Emily walked over to the table, pulling up her sleeves. "Hi, Henry," she said, gently running a hand over his blonde hair, then moving over to kiss Michael.

"Momma, can I have more mac 'n cheese?" He asked, craning his neck to see her. Emily smiled.

"Only if you promise to tell me about this picture you drew," Emily replied. The table was covered in construction paper and crayons.

"I drew you, momma," he answered with an innocent giggle.

Emily looked down at the rough crayon drawing. She chuckled a little at her son's interpretation of their family. She kneeled next to him and studied it for a moment. Michael wrapped an arm around his mother's neck. There was a little dark-haired boy, clearly meant to be him. Next to him was an identical boy but with blonde hair.

"That's you, momma," he said pointing at the dark-haired woman. Then he pointed at what Emily discerned was meant to be JJ. "That's MJ!"

"MJ?" Emily asked, perplexed. She leaned back to look at Michael's face and then up at JJ. JJ was resting her chin on her hand, fingers covering her mouth. She had been watching the way Emily interacted with their children with a starry-eyed look. She had been right all those years ago… Emily was an excellent mother. JJ smiled softly - as if Michael's exclamation hadn't surprised her. Emily waited for her explanation.

"Mommy JJ." She clarified. "Derek came up with it…"

Emily scrunched her eyebrows. Derek…?

"The last time they were at Morgan's house was over a week ago," Emily said. JJ raised her eyebrows a little and Emily felt suddenly guilty that she hadn't picked up on it sooner. Had she really been so busy that she hadn't noticed for a week?

JJ stood from her chair, taking Michael's plate with her, and walked over to the stove. Emily hesitated, then stood and slowly ambled her way over to JJ. JJ glanced up at Emily briefly. She couldn't help the involuntary smile that spread across her face as she felt Emily's arm slide across her back and around her waist. Her lips brushed delicately against her temple. JJ turned to look at her wife with a sincere expression.

It had been a long time since all four of them got to sit down and have dinner together. It felt so refreshingly ordinary. There was an unspoken exchange passing between the two women. JJ had caught Emily staring. It was obvious what she was thinking about - the same thing was on both of their minds. After nearly five years of marriage, it wasn't hard for JJ to recognize lust in Emily's eyes when she saw it. She tried to remember the first time Emily had looked at her like that. Hindsight truly was 20/20. Because Emily had that look in her eyes for years before they started dating - only back then, she would try to hide it. She'd look away quickly, or give her a flustered smile. Not anymore. She didn't look away anymore.

After dinner Emily found herself laying on her side on the living room floor playing with her sons. JJ walked into the room a few minutes later and leaned her head to the side, enjoying the sight. She rested a hip against the side of the couch. Emily's smile was infectious. It lit up her face. She had been through so much - JJ just wanted her to be happy.

Emily's eyes lifted to look at JJ. JJ still managed to captivate her without even trying. She had obviously been running her hands through her hair, leaving it disheveled in the most breathtaking way. She pushed herself off the couch and joined them on the floor crossing her legs in front of her. Emily watched as JJ tucked her hair behind her ears and started playing with Michael.

An understanding passed between them as they played with their children. An understanding that could only develop after years of knowing someone. After years of loving someone. Emily's mind wandered again to Italy. I know when you're lying to me… Fiona had said those exact words to her when they were sixteen. She remembered it so clearly.

JJ lingered by the door and listened to her wife as she sang to their sons. Normally, it took a couple shots to get Emily to do karaoke, but Michael and Henry had a hold on her that defied any self consciousness. Watching Emily be a mother was the purest thing JJ ever had in her life. It wasn't just love… Even love wasn't this strong. It had to be something bigger. Something that didn't have a label.

Emily leaned over Henry and placed a light hand on his chest. She felt it rise and fall. She became hypnotized watching. She could feel his heart beating in his chest. After a couple of moments, Emily stood and turned the monitor on before going back down stairs. JJ was nowhere to be found. Emily called for her quietly. Finally, she noticed the porch light. Emily smiled and crossed the room. As she opened the door, Emily felt the cold air on her skin.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I just wanted some fresh air," JJ said softly. She could see her breath. JJ expected to feel Emily's arms wrap around her and turned to see why they didn't. Emily was still standing a few feet away, as if she was reluctant to approach her. "What?" JJ asked.

Emily shook her head sheepishly, looking down. JJ felt a soft blush rise in her cheeks. She knew what Emily was thinking… Emily looked back up, a look of timid adoration in her eyes. "You're beautiful…"

A smile crept across JJ's lips. At work, Emily Prentiss was fearless - a force to be reckoned with - she took down serial killers and shot guns and intimated psychopaths. But only a select few got to see this side of her - the side of her that was quiet and reserved and soft.

JJ closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around her wife. JJ watched the expression on Emily's face - she seemed to be on edge, but finally relaxed a little when JJ held her. It was as if she would have been completely content to just soak in JJ's presence. JJ paused, momentarily preoccupied by Emily's demeanor. Then, she closed the space between them, giving her a slow, deep kiss. Emily kissed her back. The night air was cold. JJ's lips were cold.

"You're warm," JJ breathed. Emily smiled, and JJ moved to kiss Emily's jaw before resting her head against her shoulder. They swayed a little in silence.

"I never told you the reason why Fiona and I broke up," Emily murmured, out of the blue. Her voice was low and vulnerable. JJ pulled away from her so she could look at her face. She was starting to feel slightly apprehensive - unsure of what was bringing this on. JJ shook her head a little in confusion.

"I thought she moved away…"

"Yeah, she did…" Emily said softly. "But that was later…" Emily reached out to rest a hand on the porch railing. JJ pulled back further and leaned against the railing too. Her attention was completely set on Emily. "She wanted to tell people about us and," Emily frowned and sighed shamefully, "I was so scared - mostly that my mother would find out and -" She took a deep breath in, "I left her…" Emily chuckled joylessly. "I threw myself at the first scumbag I could find and I didn't look back."

JJ didn't speak for a long moment. Her brow was furrowed with intensity, her eyes burning with conflict. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I just - needed you to know." The truth was - Emily couldn't say for sure why she was telling her. But not telling her was beginning to feel like lying. And she didn't want to lie to her. I know when you're lying to me… She'd made that mistake before…

JJ could tell this was important to Emily. This wasn't easy for her to talk about. And she suspected that spending time with Fiona was dredging up the past. JJ gave her wife a comforting smile, but Emily looked away. It was hard to admit what she did. Even though it was decades ago - she still felt ashamed.

"Thank you for telling me." JJ said softly. She took hold of Emily's hand and invaded her space. But Emily wasn't looking at her. She was tracing the edge of the porch railing - studying the grain of the wood. JJ used her free hand to turn her chin. "Look at me." Emily did, and was relieved that JJ was still looking at her the way she always did. "Come to bed with me," she breathed. Who knew the next time they'd have another evening like this? JJ was determined to make the most of it. Emily locked the door behind them and shut off the light. JJ waited patiently.

Emily watched the way her wife moved as she led her up the stairs and down the hallway to their bedroom. The room was dark - the only light was from the street lights outside. JJ spun around walking backwards with a charming smile. She tilted her head to the side as Emily pulled her in. A smile like that never failed to exhilarate her. A smile like that made her feel like she deserved JJ.

What JJ would've given to know what was going on in her wife's head sometimes. Did she really think that something she did as a sixteen-year-old would change the way she felt about her? JJ could think of a few things she did at that age that she also wasn't proud of. Sometimes JJ felt like Emily put her on a pedestal and it felt unearned. Emily looked at her like she was the moon. But if JJ was the moon, then Emily was the sun - Emily lit her up. The unyielding blaze of Emily's love… its mere reflection was powerful enough to light up the night.