I put a lot of thought into how I wanted to handle this chapter. I know the majority of fans didn't like what the writers did with Reid and JJ in this episode. For the most part, I agree. It felt like the show wanted to have its cake and eat it too. It felt like a ploy for increased viewership. BUT - while I don't particularly like the storyline in the context of Criminal Minds , I DO find the concept compelling.

Not many shows approach the complexity of someone being in love with two people at the same time. And while it seemed very out of character for JJ, I decided not to completely cut it from my story because I love the emotional performances and philosophical questions that came from it. However, just like everything else in this story - it will be slightly modified.

CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE

14x15 Truth Or Dare

"You have no idea," JJ answered, laughing in a self-deprecating way. Emily threw her head back laughing. JJ couldn't help the grin that spread across her lips. Emily's laugh was infectious. It made her chest flutter and her knees weak. JJ leaned in and pressed her lips to Emily's neck. She could feel her pulse. Emily held the back of JJ's head with careful reverence.

Her hair was wet and warm. The spray of the shower made JJ's skin feel smooth - like silk. Emily closed her eyes - everywhere their skin touched was on high alert. JJ's lips were gliding across her chest now - moving to kiss the other side of her neck. Emily shuddered when she felt JJ's tongue. She leaned forward until JJ's back was resting against the shower tiles again. JJ pulled back and rested her head on the tiles as well. Her legs slid away from her slowly, but stopped on the curve of the tub.

At that angle, Emily had a couple inches on her. She looked down at her wife and smiled introspectively. JJ didn't say anything. But there was a deep-seated longing in her eyes - and behind her eyes, Emily knew that there was a desire that went deeper than physical intimacy. Emily saw it often these days, and always when they were like this.

They had talked about another baby a few more times over the past couple of weeks, and JJ never pressured Emily. Something Emily was thankful for. But still, she felt like she couldn't understand her own feelings… When they tried the first time, it was Emily that brought it up first. She wanted it. But now things didn't feel as black and white.

Emily worried about her children. All the time, she worried. Day in and day out. JJ and she witnessed some of the most horrific acts of humanity and then they went home to the beautiful innocence of their sons. The dichotomy was exhausting sometimes. She didn't want to believe that Michael and Henry existed in the same world that serial killers and psychopaths did. And part of her felt like she didn't have the capacity to worry that much about another human being. JJ saw the worry lines on Emily's face and knew she was thinking hard about something.

"Just kiss me," JJ whispered. She could read Emily better than anyone. She was tormenting herself. JJ never meant for her to feel guilty over this. JJ could see her hesitation. "Right here," she whispered, touching her own lips with her fingers, smirking a little. A timid smile crept across Emily's lips. JJ tilted her head to the side and bit her lower lip with a grin. Emily leaned in and kissed her wife. It started slow - an exploration. JJ wrapped her arms around Emily's body. Their movements were measured and intimate. JJ wanted to revel in her wife. She wanted to take it slow - to show her that she loved her. Emily moaned as one of JJ's hands came to massage her breast, while the other continued running over her body.

Emily pulled away from the kiss so she could look JJ in the eye. JJ traced Emily's cheek softly. She pushed herself off the wall, so she was standing up straight and walked Emily under the stream of warm water. It drench her already damp hair. JJ pushed some hair away from Emily's neck, then leaned in to kiss her. She felt Emily jump a little when one of her hands made its way between her legs.

"Shit, Jay," Emily said, tightening her grip slightly and shuddering. JJ laughed against Emily's neck.

"That didn't take very long…" JJ joked.

She pulled her head back to see her wife's face and smiled a little at how agitated Emily already was. Emily wasted no time in kissing JJ's lips, pulling her body flush against hers. Emily was determined - it was JJ's turn to moan.

JJ felt Emily's tongue on hers. She felt Emily's hands run down her body and rest on her hips. JJ chuckled a little when Emily's hands came behind her thighs and lifted her off the ground. She instantly wrapped her arms around Emily's neck and locked her legs around Emily's hips. JJ leaned down to meet Emily's lips in a demanding kiss.

Emily felt so good. And the way she held her… it was still humbling how different she felt compared to everyone from JJ's past. When Emily held her, and touched her, and kissed her, it was more than just physical passion. It was more than just scratching an itch. JJ felt a closeness to Emily that she'd never felt with anyone else. A closeness that she could feel in her chest. JJ's kisses were becoming sloppy with passion. She framed Emily's face with her hands and pulled back, taking in a deep breath. Emily gazed up at her with a warm attentiveness. Anything but cold. Emily radiated warmth with just a smile. She was good. A good person.

"I wanna have a baby with you…" JJ whispered before she realized what she was saying. But it was true. And she already knew. Emily didn't react to the declaration. She just continued to stare softly at her wife. JJ cursed herself for saying it again. Bringing it up in the middle of sex… it would only make Emily feel guilty. She didn't mean for that. She didn't want that. Eventually, Emily leaned her head back in, kissing the skin on JJ's chest slowly. JJ closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling.

JJ gestured for Emily to let her down and she complied. She turned Emily so she was leaning against the wall and began stroking her slowly. Emily moaned. JJ leaned in, capturing her lips. She loved to watch Emily like this. Her breathing was heavy and labored. She was already close. "I'm gonna do the thing," JJ breathed against Emily's lips. JJ watched Emily furrow her brow in confusion before realizing what she meant.

"Oh! You mean the -" JJ didn't wait and Emily never finished her sentence. "Holy shit, Jay…" JJ had to hold her tightly as her legs began to waver a little. But she didn't stop thrusting, keen on making it last as long as possible and enjoying the sounds that were escaping her wife's mouth. Emily reached down and grabbed JJ's wrist, stopping her movement. They held eye contact as Emily finally came down from the high. When Emily kissed her, it was softer and more controlled than JJ expected. It was like a calm after a storm. Emily ran her hands through JJ's hair and then down her chest, fingers lingering on her breasts.

"I love you, Jennifer," she sighed in a raspy voice. She rested her forehead against JJ's, kissing her every couple of seconds, but mostly just trying to remember the moment.

They both heard the sound of a door slamming in the distance. Emily opened her eyes.

"Was that?"

"Yeah, it was," JJ said. Emily quickly reached for the handle and turned off the shower. She stepped out first, grabbing both of their towels. "God, what time is it?" JJ asked. "We must've lost track of time." Emily turned in her direction and raised an eyebrow with a mischievous look. JJ rolled her eyes. "Shut up," she mumbled.

Emily came down the stairs first. She was wrapped in a bathrobe, hair still dripping when she spotted Derek sitting at the kitchen counter checking his phone. Michael and Henry were already in the family room digging through their toys. Derek looked up when he saw Emily. JJ appeared a few seconds later and Derek grinned as soon as he saw her. She too was in a bathrobe, her hair wet.

"Oh…" Derek teased them, with a seductive smile, "I interrupted something good?"

Emily smiled sarcastically and blushed a little. JJ just rolled her eyes, and walked up to Emily to give her a quick kiss on the cheek. She turned to Derek and in a whisper said, "We were finished." She walked off towards Michael and Henry biting back a smile that was growing on her face. She didn't need to see Derek's face to know what it looked like. He raised his eyebrows in shock and Emily couldn't help but chuckle at his expression.

"Hey Matt? Can you close the door?" Emily asked quietly. Matt did as requested and turned back to her with a concerned expression.

"Is everything okay?" He asked cautiously.

Emily forced a smile and looked down, shaking her head a little. "Yeah, yeah everything is fine. I just -" She paused and brought her eyes back up to his. "Can I ask you a kinda, personal question?" He nodded quietly. Emily took in a breath, "How did you know you were ready to have another baby after Jake and David?"

Matt raised his chin with a look of consideration in his eyes. "You don't -" Matt started, "it's not -" He stopped and changed his thought. He sighed heavily and took a seat across from Emily. "I paused."

"You paused?" Emily repeated nervously. Matt could see the insecurity in her eyes. He nodded faintly.

"When Kristy told me she wanted more kids… Well, you can't work the way we work, you can't see the things we see and not take… pause. I paused. I paused for a long time." He ducked his head and leaned in a little adding, "And I'm sure JJ did too…" Matt trailed off. Emily raised her eyebrows. She hadn't mentioned JJ wanting more kids, but he figured it out by Emily's questions. She met his gaze and smiled tightly. Matt gave her a comforting smile.

"So, when did…?" Emily probed gently. She watched his eyes glaze over - he was looking off into space.

"I sat up one night - middle of the night… I just knew." An enamored smile spread across Matt's face. Emily couldn't help but smile a little herself, though it was short-lived. Matt noticed. He leaned forward again and lowered his voice. "You just have to know. And when you don't know, then no one can fault you for it."

The two of them sat quietly for a moment before Matt offered a tender smile and walked out of her office. Emily stared at the place where he'd been sitting, before eventually standing up and walking out of her office too. She joined JJ and Penelope who were on their way to the conference room.

"Today's game: 5 card. Roll them out. The big blind is 50. The baby is 25," Tara announced to the group. A smile crept onto JJ's face as she watched the confusion creep onto Emily's.

"We are still playing poker, right?" Emily asked, leaning over to whisper. JJ's eyes sparkled back as she tried to keep herself from laughing. Emily Prentiss was no novice to poker, but JJ knew she hated it when people added a bunch of new rules. Emily rolled her eyes annoyed and JJ patted her leg comfortingly. Predictably, Emily was soon out of the game. She leaned back against her chair and huffed.

"Anyone want a coffee?" Emily asked, standing up and walking towards the door.

JJ glanced down at the cards in her hand. It was down to Luke, Spencer, and herself. She smiled mischievously across the table at Spencer. She had a good hand - a really good hand. Maybe good enough to finally take down the infamous Spencer Reid. She smiled, pushing in all the jelly beans that sat on the table in front of her.

"Do you think the lady's bluffing?"

"I know the lady's bluffing, because she has a tell."

"No, I don't."

"I'm gonna go all in," Spencer said, raising an eyebrow and giving JJ a playful smile. The look of bewilderment on his face when he saw that she had beat him easily made her day.

"I think Reid is speechless," Matt quipped as Tara laughed. Emily reentered the room and everyone turned to look at their boss. She was just looking up from her phone.

"We have a case."

Less than seven hours later, things had spun out of control. It was a bit of an odd reaction to being held hostage by an unstable man waving a gun around, but she felt angry. Scared, yes - but angry too. JJ was staring daggers at Casey and his theatrics.

"Shoot her. Or I'll kill your daughter," he threatened the terrified woman. JJ shook her head.

"Come on. She's got nothing to do with this, okay? She's not a part of this," JJ insisted. "You have no reason to hurt her. Just let her go."

Rage overtook Casey and he bounded violently over to her, getting up in her face.

"I'm not talking to you," he spat. He plunged his free hand into her hair to hold her head still. His grip was painful. The last person that had touched her face that roughly was Hastings. It wasn't a memory she wanted to relive… She tried to harden herself but when he pulled her hair roughly, JJ instinctively flinched. Just that morning, Emily's gentle hands had held her in the exact same place. JJ stared him in the eye. She refused to give him the satisfaction of scaring her. She set her jaw and gave him a hard look.

"Casey, if Melissa won't play… I will. Truth or dare. That's your game, right? I'll play."

Emily took a little comfort in that she was finally able to lay eyes on JJ and Spencer. But the cameras were low-quality. They were a little grainy and they didn't have any audio. She couldn't hear what Casey was saying. All she could do was study their faces and try to piece together what was going on. It wasn't enough. She wanted JJ and Spencer out now.

Casey walked towards JJ slowly. She didn't dare move. She had been a field agent for over a decade and yet, the innate fear of being held at gunpoint never diminished. It was just as scary as it had been the first time. "Okay, Agent," Casey muttered, walking around her. JJ swallowed anxiously.

"Jareau."

"Agent Jareau." He was in front of her again. "Truth or dare?"

JJ met his eye line for a split second before looking down again. "Truth."

"If I think you're lying or stretching the truth in the slightest, I'll kill him," Casey threatened, gesturing to Spencer. JJ nodded and he seemed satisfied. "You ever shoot anybody before?"

"Yes, I have."

"You enjoy it?"

"No."

"Liar!" He turned back and shot a bullet between the two of them. JJ flinched violently.

"No, no, no. I'm not lying. Okay, I'm not lying. The people I shot, I had no choice, but I did not enjoy it. I didn't. You asked, and I told the truth, okay. I told you the truth.

Emily watched the screen like JJ's life depended on it. She couldn't look away. She knew that if she witnessed the moment her wife was killed, she would never recover, and yet, she wouldn't look away. How could she?

"So now it's my turn. Right? That's how this game's played. We take turns. Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"What's it gonna take for all of us to walk out of here alive, for this to end peacefully?"

"I ain't going back to prison. My turn! Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"I want you to say something you're afraid to say. That you'd never tell anybody. And you better make it good, 'cause if it's not, it's gonna be the last thing you ever say. What's it gonna be?"

JJ's mind was on fire. Something you're afraid to say. Her mind momentarily went blank. She had no idea what to say - what was good enough to save her life?

"There are only four people I trust in this world."

"Boring!" He turned and shot Melissa in the leg. She screamed in agony and sank to the floor. JJ could already see the blood oozing out. She closed her eyes in horror. "Next!"

"Um… my… my baby, I lost, I, um… mmm. I wanted to name her Maggie." JJ hadn't told anyone that. Not Spencer, not her mother, not even Emily. Had it not been for the fear and adrenaline coursing through her veins, she would've been crippled by what she'd just admitted. Maggie. No matter how much time passed, she still grieved for her baby.

"Wrong! Come on, you can do better than that!"

"Casey," Spencer interrupted calmly.

"Shut up!" He screamed back, pointing the gun towards Spencer. He was shaking with rage. Casey lunged towards JJ and forced her onto the ground roughly. She looked up into the barrel of the gun. "Last chance. Something you would never say aloud, not even to your partner here. Your deepest, darkest secret. Impress me, or I kill him." JJ glanced at Spencer. And she knew… She knew what she was going to say - but even at gunpoint, even with Spencer's life being threatened she was still afraid to say it. She felt like a coward. "Come on!"

She was shaking with fear, but for the first time since they'd come into the store it had nothing to do with Casey or the gun being pointed at her. She was terrified of what she was about to say. She'd never let herself say it out loud before - not even to herself. And now she was about to say it to Spencer. JJ briefly wondered if Emily was watching. If she was listening…

"Spence, um… I… I've always loved you." Her bottom lip was trembling with anguish. There were tears falling down her cheeks. "And I was just too scared to say it before and now things are just really too complicated to say it now. I'm sorry. But you should know."

JJ swallowed painfully. For some reason, part of her had always thought it would be a relief to tell him. But it was the opposite. She felt sick to her stomach. It would be so easy to tell herself that she was just trying to distract Casey. That in that moment, she would say anything if it meant saving her best friend's life. But she knew better. And judging by the look on Spencer's face - he did too.

And then Spencer shot him. And it was over. But nothing was over. He was already looking at her differently. JJ took in a few shallow and shaky breaths, trying to regain her composure. Casey said he liked her final words… she wanted to throw up. If those actually had been her last words, it would've been the most selfish thing she'd ever done in her life.

Now that the threat had passed and Casey was dead, her mind drifted to Emily. Her wife. Spencer helped cut the duct tape that bound her wrists. She was thankful that she was facing away from him, even if it was just for a brief moment. Because she couldn't meet his eyes - and all he was doing was staring at her.

Mercifully, that's when the team busted through the back door of the store. JJ's eyes searched, but she didn't see Emily. She wasn't there. It brought her a sense of relief. She couldn't face her wife yet. Not when the tears she'd cried for Spencer were still wet on her cheeks.

It wasn't until they were outside that Emily pulled up in a SUV with Luke and Tara. Spencer was getting patched up by a paramedic and JJ seemed transfixed watching the gauze being wrapped around his hand. Dave touched her shoulder and she was brought back to reality. She looked at him with a questioning look and he gestured to Emily. She was approaching her quickly. JJ turned to face her.

"Jay," Emily said in a fierce whisper. Her arms came to fiercely wrap around JJ in an instant. She hugged her back, closing her eyes briefly. Emily pulled out of the hug rather quickly to inspect her wife. Her worried eyes were darting all over. "Are you okay?"

JJ smiled and nodded forlornly, "Yeah… yeah, I'm fine."

Emily gave her one last aching look before she turned back to the scene and became unit chief Prentiss again. JJ swallowed and watched her as she began to give orders. JJ spotted Dave a few steps away. He was eyeing her with a careful look.

Soft reception music played in the background of the church as they walked in together. She had been unusually quiet all afternoon. Emily had noticed. She distracted herself with helping Henry and Michael get into their tiny tuxedos. Dave had insisted that they be "groomsmen" and even rented the tuxs for them. It was about the most adorable thing Emily had ever seen - watching JJ help them tie their bow ties as she combed back their hair.

Emily reached for her hand as they walked in together. Nothing had changed, and yet it felt different. JJ felt unfaithful. She felt selfish. But she stood by Emily in the church as she spoke to Matt and Kristy. She smiled and made small talk and did everything right. But every time Emily touched her it felt like she was lying to her. She felt like she was cheating - an emotional affair. Is that what this was?

"So where are those boys of yours?" Kristy asked.

"That is a good question…" Emily smiled and turned to look around the room. "They have a knack for causing mischief when left alone." Emily spotted them across the room with Luke. He was telling them a story and they were hanging on his every word. "I think they get it from their mother," Emily joked, smiling at JJ. She turned to look at Emily, and forced a chuckle. But just past Emily stood Spencer. He was by the bar, talking to Penelope and Tara. She stared at him for a brief moment before her smile dropped from her face and she looked away.

The night went on like that. Troubled looks passed between them. JJ watched as Dave slid the ring onto Krystall's finger and as Krystall did the same. Emily had an arm wrapped around her, rubbing comforting circles across her back. She smiled wistfully as she watched Dave and Krystall. Her mind drifted back to the evening seven years ago in Dave's backyard. Looking into Emily's eyes - vowing to love her for the rest of her life… Knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt that she would. JJ glanced at Emily out of the corner of her eye. That feeling hadn't changed… It probably never would. She looked down. Henry was standing by her feet, and Michael by Emily's. JJ ran a hand through Henry's hair and stared at the ring on her finger. Her mother was right - she had always wanted things to be black and white. But nothing was black and white. Love certainly wasn't… And the shades of gray were tearing her apart.

Because she also loved Spencer. She loved him in a way that she didn't love anyone else. She loved him in a way that was debilitating. And while she'd gotten really good at keeping it all at bay, at keeping her feelings at arms length, it was naive to think things hadn't changed. She'd said it out loud - to his face.

Two glasses of champagne in, and JJ had worked up just enough courage to walk over to the bar where Spencer was standing alone. This was already unbearable - and it had been mere hours since her confession.

"So I didn't get a chance to… say it back there, but thank you, for saving my life."

"You're welcome. You okay?"

"Yeah. But… two guns, huh? How long have you been wearing an ankle holster?"

"Around the time I got out of prison."

"Right…" JJ rubbed her face and sighed. "Look, so what I said back there, I, uh… I needed to say something that would get his attention, and I needed to say something that would get your attention. You know, so, I, uh, I just needed to throw him off balance."

"Jennifer…" Spencer cut in, stopping her rambling. Her body language spoke volumes. She was still facing the bar but he was facing her. She turned her head slowly. "Truth or dare?" JJ finally turned her body to face him. She knew what he was doing…

"Truth."

"Did you mean it?"

Yes. She had meant it. And it was the truth. A truth that she had made peace with years ago. And she never had any intention of telling anyone because she knew it wouldn't do any good. Because admitting it would do nothing but hurt everyone. It would hurt Spencer, it would hurt herself, hurt Michael and Henry… but most of all, it would hurt Emily. Emily… Now that it was out in the open, JJ knew Emily had to know. She had to tell her the truth. And she had to bear the consequences of that truth. But Spencer was a different story - and if she truly loved him, she wouldn't lead him on. She wouldn't toy with his emotions. She'd let him go. And so JJ stayed quiet. She didn't answer Spencer's question. But the silence was an answer in and of itself. And he usually knew when she was bluffing…

"Guys, they're about to cut the cake," Emily appeared beside them. JJ flinched a little but forced a smile.

"We'll be right there," she replied softly. Once Emily was gone, JJ turned her attention back to Spencer. He was already beginning to walk away. JJ put a hand out to stop him and touched his chest. She immediately pulled it away awkwardly.

"Everything's okay. It's gonna be alright," he said gently. "Everything is fine."

"Yeah?" She studied his face. He nodded but she hesitated. She didn't believe him. She wanted to say something to him - but anything she said was only going to do more damage. Eventually JJ hung her head and smiled apologetically, turning to join her wife. She could feel Spencer's eyes on her and she wrapped an arm around Emily's shoulders. Emily turned and smiled sweetly. JJ gave her a smile in return.

On the outskirts of the dance floor, JJ stood watching Dave and Krystall swaying slowly in the dim light. Spencer had left right after the cake was cut - mumbling something about needing to go home and rest. She turned her head a little and spotted Penelope, Derek, and Luke dancing wildly with Michael and Henry. She smiled mildly but her mind was clouded. She couldn't focus on anything for longer than a couple of seconds. Everything that happened that day was demanding her attention. She felt like she was in her own world. She felt like a live wire. JJ didn't even notice Emily saunter up to her. A gentle hand glided across her back and she jumped, turning her head quickly to the side.

Emily stiffened a little. She hadn't meant to spook her. She knew it was probably a symptom of being held at gunpoint just hours earlier. At least, that's always how it felt for Emily. As dark as it sounded, she had experienced life and death circumstances enough to be used to feeling anxious and jumpy after going through something like that. Emily offered JJ a delicate smile. She felt JJ relax a little.

"Dance with me?" Emily whispered softly.

JJ gave her a thankful smile. She nodded her head silently. Emily had a way of making everything clear. JJ's chaotic thoughts were beginning to organize themselves - beginning to quiet down... The cloud was parting and all she could see was Emily. It was a relief. JJ took her hand and walked with her out on the floor.

Emily was never much for dancing, but she liked it with JJ. The soft music and the ambiance of the evening was enchanting. And that's when it happened. It wasn't the middle of the night, but it felt exactly as Matt had described.

And she knew…