CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE

15x02 Awakenings

Every time she let out a shaky breath she felt more blood ooze out of the side of her abdomen. It was warm and wet. She could feel it soaking the back of her shirt. She tried to bring her hand to the bullet hole but she felt paralyzed. Even a small movement was tiring and painful. She was going to die. She was going to die and never get to fix the mess she'd made. JJ coughed and blood spewed out of her mouth. She was choking on it. She was going to drown in her own blood.

She thought it would hurt more to get shot - maybe that was a bad sign. Was she already drifting away? Memories of Roz were flashing behind her eyes. She fought it. This wasn't how she was going to die. Not like this. How selfish would that be? To die and leave her best friend unsure of what he meant to her. To die and leave her wife to raise their children alone.

Emily.

And then she was there. She was with her. She looked younger. Like she had when they first met. Breathtaking and kind. Considerate and warm. Emily was smiling. She didn't look worried. It made JJ feel better. She returned the smile weakly, staring up at the woman she loved. It was all in her head. She had the wherewithal to realize that - but she didn't care. Because dying in Emily's arms was better than dying alone.

"It's okay. It's okay. I got you. You're gonna be okay. Just stay with me, okay? Keep breathing."

The voice sounded echoey and omnipresent. For a moment, it didn't seem to be attached to a speaker. Her blurry vision focused just enough to see that it was Spencer. He was leaning over her - calling for help. JJ groaned something incomprehensible. The blood in her mouth and throat was choking her.

"JJ's down. She's been hit. We need an ambulance now."

Emily felt her blood run cold. Her complete attention was on the radio sitting between Penelope and herself on the table. She no longer cared about the man hunt for Everett Lynch. She no longer cared about anything else.

"Emily?" Came a voice over the phone. "Emily, are you there?"

"Yes," Penelope answered. "We're here."

"Dave…?" Emily asked in a small voice.

"I got this! Go to the hospital. Prentiss, go!" He hung up before she had the chance to say anything back. Penelope looked like she was in shock.

"I'll drive," she offered.

"No. You have to stay and help the team." Emily seemed to have found her fire again, jumping to her feet. She was at the door when she turned back. "Penelope. As soon as you can - Michael and Henry are in daycare downstairs…"

"Yeah, yeah, of course. Go. Go!"

Emily exhaled satirically when the door opened to reveal Dave holding two coffees in a carrier. He quickly entered the room and closed the door behind him.

"How did you find me?" Emily asked in a whisper.

"Call it a profiler's intuition…" He walked over to her and held out a coffee. "Black. Two splendas." Emily took the coffee and stared at the lid. She ran her thumb over the edge of it. Dave groaned a little as he bent down to sit next to her on the floor. Emily looked over at him vulnerably. "Spencer told me," he admitted. "He's worried about you."

Emily turned back away to avoid Dave's eyes. She stared forward. If Spencer was worried about her, why hadn't he just come to check on her himself?

"Dave, I owe you an apology. You were right."

"Not about everything. Lynch wasn't our unsub."

"He was the mastermind."

"It was just a smokescreen. That son of a bitch played me like a fiddle."

"I should've trusted your instincts…" Emily replied grievously. Dave turned his head to study Emily's expression. He stayed quiet for a long moment.

"I've been in your shoes. I wouldn't have believed me, either."

"But if I had, maybe -"

"No. There's only one person to blame for this…" Emily turned to meet his gaze. Her lip was quivering.

"The doctor told me her heart stopped," Emily said so quietly that Dave almost missed it. "I didn't get to see her before she went into surgery…"

"Everett Lynch is the one who shot JJ, Emily. And he's the one that we'll move heaven and earth to bring to justice."

Emily nodded her head a little. Tears were filling her eyes. She didn't know if she believed Dave. But she wanted to. He left soon after that and Emily was left alone again in the dark room. She closed her eyes and tried to calm her nerves. It struck her how little she cared about what was going on between JJ and Spencer. At that moment it didn't matter anymore. She just needed JJ to pull through this. She just needed her to live.

As he rounded the corner and appeared in the doorway, Emily looked up and quickly sniffed. She turned her body away from the door and wiped the tears off her cheeks. Spencer stood frozen in the doorway as she forced a small smile. It died on her lips. His eyes were burning with anguish. This felt awkward and he hated that it did.

"I'll - uh - I'll come back later." Spencer began to leave when Emily's voice stopped him.

"We need to talk," she said flatly.

He hesitated again. Emily gestured to the empty chair, and after a moment of indecision, Spencer stepped into the hospital room and sat next to her. Never in a million years would he have thought this would be happening. Emily was one of his closest friends - he loved her like family. He loved her children like they were his own. There was so much history - she saved his life on numerous occasions. She believed in his innocence when he was falsely accused. She was the reason he wasn't still sitting in a prison cell. They awkwardly sat with each other, not saying a word. She shook her head and looked down at her hands. Emily let out an exhausted sigh.

"You know, I-" Emily started but stopped, evidently rethinking what she wanted to say. She sighed. Spencer didn't speak. He felt his heart beating hard in his chest. "She's always loved you."

"Did she -?"

"She didn't tell me," Emily replied quickly. Spencer raised his eyebrows with a questioning look. As if silently asking her how she knew. Emily smiled painfully. "I know her…" She said simply. There wasn't an ounce of anger - she sounded exhausted.

"Then you know that she'd never want to hurt you," Spencer said softly. Emily nodded in half-hearted agreement. "Emily, I have absolutely no intention of coming between the two of you."

Emily raised her eyes to look at him. He went quiet. She already knew Spencer would never do something like that. "I just want her to be happy," Emily whispered. "I just want more time…" There was a long stretch of silence. Spencer shook his head, as if trying to figure out what to say. "She needs you, Spencer. She loves you in a way I'll never understand."

"She needs you," Spencer countered quickly. "Maybe us both…"

Emily sat like a statue in front of him. Emily just wanted to find the best way to move forward. Spencer waited anxiously. He meant what he said. He would never come between them. Never. Finally, Emily leaned forward in her seat and rested her elbows on her knees. She raised her head back up at him. The tears were coming back in her eyes. Emotions overflowing.

"Do you - do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time…?" Emily asked.

Spencer considered the question for a long moment before meeting her eyes again. He swallowed thickly. Emily looked back down at the floor. The next moment stretched on for an impossibly long time. It was as if time had slowed down.

Emily leaned towards him and stretched to hold his hand.

The first thing she noticed was Emily's hand in hers. She didn't even need to open her eyes to know whose it was. It was an instant comfort. And when she opened her eyes, Emily was staring back at her. She looked exhausted, but steadfast. JJ waited for Emily to say something but she didn't. Her expression changed a little. She leaned down to kiss the hand she was holding. JJ was reaching out to touch Emily's cheek when her phone chimed in her pocket. Emily leaned back, fishing her phone out of her pocket, effectively pulling out of JJ's reach.

"Penelope's here with the boys," Emily said quietly. She put her phone back in her pocket. "I'm gonna go meet them." Emily began to stand and JJ suddenly felt a wave of panic. She quickly caught Emily's wrist. She was acting strange and JJ didn't want to let her walk out of the room.

"Emily…" JJ pleaded.

Emily stopped. JJ could see her jaw flexing in duress. She sank back into the chair, and JJ watched as SSA Prentiss disappeared. Emily rested her forehead against JJ's leg, letting out a quiet sob. JJ's heart broke watching her. She did her best to comfort her, running her hand through her hair. JJ tried to sit up a little to get closer but a burst of pain shot through her abdomen. Emily looked back up when she heard JJ's heavy breathing. For a brief moment she thought that she'd hurt her. But JJ could practically read her thoughts. She shook her head. A genuine smile spread across Emily's face. She stood, pushing the hair off JJ's face. She leaned down to gently brush her lips against her forehead.

This time when Emily pulled back JJ nodded slightly, silently allowing her to go. And she was alone. Left to ponder everything that had happened. Her mind wandered and she ended up thinking about Spencer. It was like they were existing beside each other, but not living. Not enjoying each other's company anymore. She missed him. What a mess she'd made...

When he suddenly appeared in the doorway, JJ jumped a little. It was as if she had conjured him up. Despite the strain in their relationship, an involuntary smile played across her face. He approached the foot of her bed. He looked so conflicted.

"I should've found you sooner."

"Spence… You saved my life. Again. I'm glad you're here."

"You're my best friend. Where else would I be?" His eyes were burning into hers. Best friend. "I should go - I'm gonna leave - get some rest." He edged away from her, but she stopped him.

"No. No, not yet." JJ took in a deep breath. "I've missed you."

"Me too."

"It's my fault - that things have been weird between the two of us. What I said - we need to talk about it."

"No, we don't and I shouldn't have let it drive a wedge between us."

"I needed to say something real and that's what came out." JJ soldiered on. He may not want to discuss it. But they needed to. "And I'm so sorry. I didn't - I never meant to do that to you. I was prepared to take that secret to the grave. But… now it's out. And I can't - lie to you and say I didn't mean it. I do love you. You were my first love. And I'll always love you."

JJ took in a deep breath. Spencer looked like he was in pain. And it was her fault. But, for the past couple of weeks, she'd done nothing but overanalyze her feelings for Spencer. And it was true - he was her first love. She once believed she was in love with her high-school boyfriend, but now in hindsight, she saw how juvenile it was. JJ took in another shaky breath.

"And I know that's not fair - because I love Emily and the boys too. They made me who I am… but so have you. You're such a big piece of my heart. And you always will be. Maybe if things were… different. I sometimes think about that."

If things were different… if she'd never met Emily. Or if Emily had joined the team later. But it was pointless to think about it. It wouldn't change anything. JJ knew that she loved both of them. And she knew she wasn't going to leave Emily.

"I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I just want you to be happy. And I want us to be okay."

"I know you do. And we are."

Spencer turned when he heard someone approaching from behind. Emily walked through the door holding Michael and Henry's hands. Spencer looked at their little faces and smiled through the tears in his eyes. Emily glanced at Spencer, then at her wife. It didn't take a profiler to see that they had just talked about something serious. JJ was fighting tears of her own. She looked away briefly to wipe her eyes. She didn't want Michael and Henry to see her crying.

"Hi mommy," Michael said.

JJ smiled, letting out a soft sob. "Hi… hey buddy."

"Go say hi to MJ," Emily whispered softly, letting Michael and Henry go. "Be gentle. Be gentle with her."

Spencer backed out of the room slowly. He watched the family interact. Emily turned her head in his direction and gave him a small nod. Her eyes looked apologetic. He smiled back at her and walked away.

Michael snuggled his head into JJ's shoulder. He brought his baby blanket up to his chin. JJ smiled wistfully. Henry was sitting in Emily's lap, his head resting on her shoulder. He had been asleep for almost ten minutes.

A comfortable silence fell across the room. JJ was exhausted but nowhere near sleep. The physical and emotional stress of the day was wearing on her but the burden of the conversation they needed to have was keeping her awake.

"These boys need to get some sleep," JJ finally said. Emily slowly raised her head and gazed tiredly at her wife. Penelope came around the corner, dragging two giant balloons with her.

"Hello, hello, hello."

"Penelope," JJ said grinning. Emily looked over from the chair she was sitting in. She chuckled quietly.

"You look amazing!"

"No, I don't."

"You know what, you look alive, and that is freakin' amazing." Penelope looked around the room and gauged the mood. "Hey!" she said, looking at Michael and Henry. "I saw an ice cream shop on my way in. What do you think I take the boys to go get ice cream? Yes?"

"Yes!" Michael screamed loudly in JJ's ear. She leaned away from him and laughed a little at his enthusiasm.

With the boys gone, the room was suddenly quiet and still. Emily slowly rose from the chair she was in, crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of JJ's hospital bed. She smiled tightly. JJ noticed her apprehension.

"There are a lot of people out in that waiting room who love you. Not just me and the boys."

Recognition flickered behind JJ's eyes. She smiled contritely. Emily knew. JJ didn't know how she knew - but she did.

"But it's you and the boys that I need. You know that right?"

"Mm-hmm," Emily said, nodding. JJ stared intensely into Emily's eyes. Just that morning, she didn't know if she'd have the chance to talk to her again. She needed to make it right. She needed Emily to know.

"I love you, Emily. So much. And I love our family."

"I know you do." Emily rubbed her thumb across the back of her wife's knuckles. "I love you too."