To Have Loved and Lost… CH 8 …IN LOVE AND WAR, a vampire knight fanfic

"Zero? Why are you here? Are you okay?"

Putting on a false smile, Zero looked calmly back at her.

"I should ask you the same. But I'm fine- just getting a little fresh air"

Rei gave him a skeptical look and continued to look at him, apparently waiting for a better answer.

Zero huffed. "Fine. I'm not okay, but it's nothing that I want to talk about right now." 'At least not with you.' He thought darkly.

Rei seemed to accept this. She nodded and turned her head to gaze out at the night sky over the trees in front of her.

"Yeah, I get that."

"What about you? Are you okay?"

Rei didn't look over. "No, I'm not. But I also don't want to discuss it."

Zero said nothing, and so he and Rei stayed together in silence. Her sitting at the edge of the cavern's overhang, and him leaning against the cavern wall, both feeling the cool breeze and staring at the same night sky.

Finally, Rei began to speak, her voice so quiet that the breeze caught it and pulled it away almost as soon as the words left her mouth. Zero was certain that if he didn't have enhanced hearing there was no way he would have heard her...

"You know, I spent a lot of time really angry at Yuki. I mean really angry at her. I hated the way she treated you, and I always thought she was so fickle. The audacity to say that she cared for both of you like that…" Rei snorted and shook her head violently.

"I mean I always believed that the heart was like a precious object. A treasure that you only had one of. And once you gave that treasure to someone that was it. Unless you took it back, then no one else could ever have it. To think that it could be shared, or better yet held as a whole by more than one person…" Rei laughed sarcastically. "I found the very idea of that to be completely ridiculous."

She paused, pulling a leg up from the cliff, wrapping her arms around it and placing her chin upon the knee. "And yet it turns out that all this time I'm the ridiculous one. Who knew? It never once crossed my mind that while I loved you and you held my heart, it could be possible that someone else could still touch it- that feelings could materialize where I thought I had none to give…" At this, Rei finally turned to look at Zero, who stood frozen in place, his eyes locked on Rei and entranced by her words.

Zero knew exactly what she was saying as soon as she had started speaking, and he'd known exactly who she was talking about. He'd seen it - small glimpses of 'something' in their interactions together and he'd wondered just a bit. This was simply Rei confirming it. He shouldn't be angry- that wouldn't be fair. And yet, like a spoiled child, he didn't want to share. Not now. Why now? And of all the people why did it have to be him again?

"I'm sorry Zero," Rei turned to again stare out into the night. "I know you already have things of your own on your mind. I'm just struggling to somehow sort this all out…" Rei stood and dusted herself off. "I'll leave you to your own thoughts and won't burden you with mine…"

"It's fine. I understand." Zero spoke up, his voice cracking. "It's kind of ironic, isn't it? The four of us all here together, and each of us battling with mixed emotions in our hearts…". He stared at Rei in quiet contemplation.

Rei turned to him a sour smile on her face and sadness in her eyes "Each of us? Not quite. I think you're mistaken in your choice of words…"

Zero's face was solemn "I'm not." he replied

Rei's smile faded and was replaced by a look of puzzlement. "I'm not following, Zero."

Without taking his eyes from hers, Zero closed the distance between them in an instant. He pushed Rei back against the cave's wall, his leg pressing between hers, his hand grasped the back of her head, again pulling her hair loose and then gripping and intertwining its fingers in the soft waves of her hair. Quietly panting, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, closing his eyes and inhaling her scent. His other hand firmly traced the side of her body from her ribs down to her thigh, stopping to gently grasp her thigh and yank it towards his body. He could feel himself losing control. He could hear her heartbeat racing, feel her breath increasing. The warmth of her body, the blood rushing. Breathing hard, Zero lightly licked Rei's neck rubbing the outside of his fangs against the softness of her throat. "Zero?" Rei called breathlessly, "Zero, what are you doing?", she placed her palm lightly against his chest.

Zero pulled her closer, pressing their bodies together, and savoring the feel of her in his arms. Flicking his nose across her earlobe he inhaled sharply. "Fighting myself…" he growled, though it was more to himself than in response to her question. With a final sigh and a groan, Zero pushed off the wall and stepped back awy from her. Gasping for air, he moved further away, before finally sitting backwards on the ground behind him and looking pitifully up at Rei.

She looked frazzled and thoroughly bewildered. He couldn't blame her. He put his elbows on his knees and threw his head into his hands.

"I'm sorry Rei. I don't know what's happening either. I just know.. these feelings.." He looked up at her, his eyes full of desperation. "Since I first saw you again…" Zero's eyes cut away in shame and he hung his head down. "I've dreamed of you every night since." He rustled his hands through his hair in frustration. "I can't help it, I can't stop it." He looked helplessly up at her, shrugging his shoulders. "8 years ago I thought you died and so I never had to process my feelings. But it seems like now I'm being forced to reckon with whatever I didn't deal with back then…"

Confusion spread across Re's face and she slid down the wall of the cave, her hand absently reaching to touch the side of her neck that Zero had threatened to claim just moments ago. "I still don't get what's going on Zero…"

Zero sighed. "That night, I was such a fool. I worried so much about what it would do to you and kept thinking that us spending that night together would somehow affect your feelings or make things worse for you. I never once stopped to consider that it could somehow do the same for me." Rei's eyes widened as he spoke.

"I couldn't figure it out back then. I had a whirlwind of feelings and emotions after that night that I couldn't sort out. I tried to go back to talk to you but I couldn't find you. And of course the next time I saw you…" He hesitated, remembering being mesmerized by her grace and beauty in the midst of battle, and yet the heartbreak of her death in the same battle.

Zero dropped a hand into his pocket, fingering that twine that he had used to tie the Maiden's Revenge with. The twine that he had created from those loose strands of her chopped hair that he had picked up at the scene. He shuddered lightly at the memory,

"So after that, I just didn't deal with it. There was no need to any longer. I assumed that whatever I may or may not have felt died with you and there was no purpose in trying to understand what it was".

Zero glanced at Rei, her expression was unclear and he couldn't tell what she was feeling in this moment. He stood up and walked again to the other side of the cavern, away from her. Leaning on the wall and staring out into the sky, he continued, "I understand your new feelings all too well. It's uncomfortable and I didn't ask for them." He sighed and looked towards her, catching her gaze.

"Truth be told Rei, I care for you and always have, but I love Yuki and I never asked or wanted to feel this way about you- to love you too. It just happened and it was completely out of my control. I can't turn it off, but it also can't change where I want to be and who I'm meant to be with" It was brief, but Zero saw the flash of pain cross Rei's face and in turn he felt a stabbing ache in his own chest. Wait. What had he done? He must have said that wrong. Her face told him that his words couldn't have come out the way he intended them to. But as quick as the look was there, it was gone again. Followed by a look of vague indifference. Rei stiffly rose up and straightened herself out. Not looking at Zero she began to walk to the entrance.

"Rei, wait. I think I may have worded tha – "

"It's fine Zero. I've heard your words and I know you still have things to sort out, so once again, I'll leave you to it."

Still not looking at him, Rei continued to make her way towards the corridor, but before she stepped into it, she stopped and turned slightly.

"Also, you'll probably find out tomorrow, but just so you know while you're pondering over everything- Kaname has decided to regain his memories."

With that, Rei stepped into the shadows and Zero turned again towards the night sky, his heart racing and traces of fear rising in the pit of his stomach.

Walking stiffly and unsteadily back to her pallet next to Roi, Rei paused to look at Kaname asleep in the corner. Sitting down she reflected on her conversation with him earlier that evening.

Kaname had come to her after the decisions had been made within the group, and he wanted to talk about his own personal plans once they reached the N/A outpost. Sitting her down Kaname held her hands and spoke calmly and gently to her.

"I've put great thought into this, though I'm not certain how you'll feel about it," he began. Rei tensed up, already not liking the sound of the conversation.

"I'm not certain if it will be before we leave tomorrow or after Yuki and Zero join us at the Outpost, but one thing is certain: I've decided to have my memories returned and to become a vampire once again." Kaname paused, his deep red eyes searching Rei's, looking to read her thoughts without words. Rei didn't flinch. She hadn't been sure what he would do, but she had prepared herself for this possibility. She looked Kaname squarely in the face. She wouldn't bother asking if he was sure or if he had thought this through. She knew that if he was here telling her this then it meant he had.

"Okay," She responded quietly. "If that's what you've chosen."

Kaname leaned back slightly, his expression thoughtful. "I'll admit, you are still a bit of a mystery to me. I couldn't predict how you might take this…" He stretched out a hand and gently touched her chin, tilting it up, "Will you tell me your true feelings?"

Rei looked into his eyes and felt warmth flow through her. It was soothing, but sad. Would he still want to touch her like this once he really remembered his bond with Yuki? She doubted it. Suddenly she felt a need to hang on to this feeling as long as possible. Reaching up she clasped his hand within both of hers and leaned in to brush it softly with her lips. Kaname inhaled softly and looked at her with question.

"I think," Rei began, turning her face up to him, "That it scares me, but that if you've decided it, I know there must be good reason and so I'll accept it." She leaned back.

"However, if we're asking direct questions, I wonder if you'd be willing to share with me why you've decided to do this?" Rei flushed and looked to the side. She'd been honest enough with the Zero in the past, but sharing her feelings wasn't actually something that came naturally to her… "I'll be honest, I kind of thought that maybe you were leaning towards remaining human…"

Kaname smiled and lovingly brushed her cheek. "You're not wrong. I was. In fact I had wholeheartedly made up my mind to stay human and remain with you, irregardless of whether you'd return my affections or not"

Rei's eyes snapped back to meet his, the flush in her cheeks deepening to a dark crimson at this revelation.

"However…" Kaname pulled his hand away and his expression darkened. "I see now that that can't happen."

Rei lowered her eyebrows in confusion. With a stony face, Kaname picked up each of her hands in his and met her eyes in earnest.

"I promised you that I would help you to find your son in any way that I could. What you need most doesn't come in human form".

Understanding began to dawn in Rei's eyes. 'No, that shouldn't be the reason-', she began to shake her head, but Kaname gave a sharp nod of his own, his eyes serious.

"You know it as well as I do. As a human I can't do much for you other than get in the way. But as a vampire, especially as a pure-blood vampire, as I understand it- I'll have the power to do so much more. A lot has been lost in the last years, but Yuki said that there are a lot of connections that survived. I can actually help you find your son""

Rei was horrified "What could you possibly be thinking?!" She gaped in disbelief at Kaname "You realize that becoming human was a huge decision – a sacrifice that you made. And to do something like that you must have had a very important reason. You can't just disregard that!"

"This is a very important reason" Kaname replied mildly

"Yeah? What if you get your memories back only to realize that this reason pales in comparison to the one that made you want to forget and become human? You won't get a second chance and I absolutely refuse to let you ruin this one to help me!"

"Trust me. This is a reason that I'll stand behind, no matter what my memories may unlock. I'm confident in that."

"No. No way. That's not a reason to do this. I won't accept that Kaname. No." she pulled her hands from his, backing up and shaking her head emphatically.

Kaname watched her with calm patience, his eyes never leaving hers.

Suddenly a new thought came to Rei's mind. She didn't know how she hadn't thought of it before, and dread began to creep into her body. Eyes wide she looked at Kaname.

"Kaname. I never asked before, but… When you talked to Yuki- she told you what you were, but did she tell you who I was? What I …did… my background?" Rei found that she couldn't actually say the words and she hoped she wouldn't have to.

Kaname's eyes sparkled as he looked her over, "You mean Vampire Hunter?"

Rei swallowed her gasp and sat back with a hard thump, scared to meet his eyes. "So if you know, I don't get it, why would you… What are you thinking?! Why would you still want to do this for someone like me?!"

"Rei," he said, quietly. But she wouldn't calm. This wasn't the reason she expected at all. She had changed her mind and she wouldn't sit back and accept this after all

"Rei." Kaname said again. Quietly, but firmly this time. Rei stopped and looked at him. His eyes were filled with gentle understanding but Rei saw that they were set. He wouldn't be changing his mind and no amount of screaming or arguing from her would do it.

"Please sit."

Frustrated and agitated, Rei forced herself to sit back in front of Kaname, struggling to bite her tongue and not lash out again.

Kaname studied her, amusement toying around the corners of his eyes. Rei glared at him. "Honestly Kaname, there's nothing close to funny about this, wipe that look off your face." She croaked. Kaname smiled and pulled her into him.

"It's you." he said warmly. "You are what brings me pleasure" He sighed into her hair. "If you don't see that, then yes it will be hard for you to understand my decision. But from my point of view this is undoubtedly the only decision I can make."

He looked down into her face, using one hand to lift her face towards his. He leaned down into her, his lips close enough to brush hers, his breath sweet and tickling. "I will take care of you and I will keep my promise". His eyes searched hers as he held her there.

After a moment that felt like eternity, Kaname gave her a small smile and pulled back, dropping his hand from her face. Rei blinked hard collecting her thoughts and then abruptly abandoning them.

"Kaname," she whispered, slipping her arms around his neck and pulling his mouth to hers. She closed her eyes and savored everything her senses would allow. The softness of his lips, the warmth of his breath, his hair gliding between her fingers. Kaname didn't pause. His arms slid effortlessly around Rei's back, gently pulling her in and supporting her, giving her both warmth and security. Rei slowly opened her eyes, and found Kaname's red-brown eyes filled with adoration gazing into hers. She sighed into his parted mouth and reluctantly pulled back, releasing him from her grip.

No words were spoken. She felt like she should apologize for being so aggressive and maybe crossing a line, especially when her feelings for him were still conflicted and so far from resolved. However, she found that she didn't feel sorry in the slightest. In fact she would do it over if she could. Stay within his arms right now if she could.

Kaname seemed to sense the turmoil within her. He kissed Rei on the forehead before standing up. "Get some rest." he called before heading off to the sleeping quarters they were all sharing. After he left, Rei dropped back to the ground throwing her arms above her head. 'How had things gotten so complicated so fast?' She wondered.

Now, recalling those earlier events after returning from her conversation with Zero at the cavern's overhang, Rei wished she could go back in time and smack herself. Was that what she thought was complicated? Fast forward to just 3 hours later and 'complicated' had shape-shifted into this new mess, courtesy of Zero and his self-serving antics. She wanted to scream, pull out her hair, and hit something. It all seemed so unfair. She felt positive now that she would soon find her other son, and she was all the more grateful for that now, because she was also very certain that on the other side of that she would be coming up empty-handed and doubly broken-hearted.