I knew that something bad had been going on with Dimitri for several days now. He had never been very talkative, but in the past few days, he had barely spoken at all. Lost in his own thoughts, he ignored my attempts to talk with him. He was almost completely unresponsive, and when I forced him to confront me, he shuddered slightly as he insisted everything was fine. He tried hard to maintain his neutral guardian mask, but he couldn't fool me. I knew something was bothering him.
Since we started being together, he had a few breakdowns when memories of his life as a Strigoi haunted him. However, I always managed to pull him out of those dark moods and calm him down, bringing him back to our present life. This time, I couldn't reach him, and no bad period had ever lasted this long before.
He had turned paler, and the bags under his eyes had taken on a morbid color. When I asked him about it, he said he was just tired, but he spent all his free time in the gym instead of resting. I tried to get him to talk, but each time he shut down more.
To others, he seemed normal. He went to work, made sure we had food and even ironed our shirts (his and mine—he was much better at it than I was). He would chat effortlessly with others as long as the conversation was brief and superficial. Only I could see that something was very, very wrong.
It wasn't just the lack of conversation. He avoided physical contact with me as if his life depended on it. He would quickly walk away on any pretext when I tried to cuddle with him. He didn't seek contact with me like he used to. He took on extra shifts, claiming he was helping Christian organize magic defense classes, so he would come home when I was asleep and leave in the morning as soon as I woke up.
One night, I drank a disgusting cup of coffee to stay awake and wait for him. I sat in our living room, nervous about the confrontation that awaited me. I felt nauseous, unsure if it was because of the coffee or because I dreaded what was about to happen. Finally, the door to our apartment opened, and I saw the surprise on his face.
"Hey, I was waiting for you," I said softly, standing up and looking at him cautiously. Dimitri froze for a moment, then looked to the side, unsure of what to do.
"Thanks, but you should go to bed. It's late, and you have an early shift in the morning..."
"I wanted to talk."
"Rose, I'm exhausted, and I also have to get up early. I'll go get ready for bed."
I didn't have time to react. Dimitri sped to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. His curt response threw me off. I felt as if I didn't know him, and yet in that bathroom sat the man I loved most in the world. A wave of heat washed over me, making my hands tremble.
I reached the bathroom door and banged on it several times, feeling my anger getting better of me.
"I'm exhausted too!" I shouted, not hiding my agitation, "With you closing yourself off from me! You're hurting yourself, and I'm sick of watching you do that!"
There was silence on the other side of the door. I took a couple of shallow, exasperated breaths and pounded on the door again.
"Rose, please go to sleep," he said.
"How can I go to sleep, Dimitri!? Something is happening to you, and you won't let me help you! What is wrong?"
Silence. I banged a few more times on the door, but I didn't get any response.
I felt powerless. I was used to solving problems physically. Strigoi attacking us? Kill them. Someone kidnaps me? Escape. Moroi threaten Lissa? Scare them enough to reconsider.
But emotional problems? Well, I've never been great at solving them. Over time I got better, but situations like this left me helpless. I took quick, shallow breaths, not knowing what to do.
I pressed my forehead against the door and took a few deep breaths.
"Dimitri, please. Please don't do this."
Silence. Tears welled up in my eyes. I had to do something, but I didn't know what. Should I break down the door? Bang on it until he took pity on my poor hand? Beg him all night to talk to me?
"Please. Look what this does to us. You're hurting yourself and it's hurting me. Please, Dimitri."
My legs started to tremble, so I knelt on the floor by the door.
I heard the lock click open.
Dimitri stood in the doorway and, as soon as he saw me, he knelt down beside me. His face was tense, but wild emotions raged in his eyes—pain, fear, and anxiety. He reached out to me but hesitated before touching me. He met my gaze and shuddered.
"I'm sorry, Rose. I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice tense.
I took his outstretched hand, and he trembled at my touch, drawing me closer to him. Electricity flowed between us as we held each other for the first time in so long. But I needed to feel him even closer. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he buried his face in my shoulder.
"I don't want to hurt you," he murmured.
"How can I not be hurt when you are in such pain?" I whispered, pressing him tighter to me. My tears spilled out and sank into his hair. My tears spilled into his hair. I could feel his uneven breath on my skin, and I finally began to feel stable, having him so close.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice cracking.
I held him in my arms as he breathed deeply and quickly. I could feel him trembling, but as I touched him, he regained some control. I stroked his back, and his shoulders, and combed through his hair, calming myself as much as him.
"Why didn't you want to talk to me? I'm here for you, you know that."
Dimitri leaned back only to press his forehead against mine. He took a deep, shuddering breath. I closed my eyes too, finally content that he was with me again.
"I know, or rather… I think I know. And then, I know I can't burden you with everything, not after…"
"I know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with you closing yourself off from me," I said. I opened my eyes and saw that he was also looking at me intensely.
I knew he was considering my words, not treating them lightly. I saw he was beginning to understand what his behavior over the past few days had meant to me. I noticed how he looked at me with remorse, trust, and love.
"I'm sorry, Rose, I really am. I... don't want to hurt you, I don't want you to suffer because of me. So I try to pull away when I can't control it."
I stroked his face, tucking strands of his hair behind his ears.
"I know it's not easy," I said softly, "But I need to know what's going on with you. Can you imagine what the last few days have been like for me? Just because you cut yourself off from me doesn't mean it's easier for me."
Dimitri closed his eyes, trembling slightly. He tightened his grip on me, as if he wanted to make sure I wouldn't escape.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, "Rose, I... the last thing I want is to cause you any pain."
"That I can believe" I snickered, and Dimitri managed a small, strained smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him close. He pulled me to him, clinging to me as if I were his lifeline. And I let him, finally feeling that I had him back.