( AN: Welcome back! TW: Forced miscarriage discussions, pregnancy loss discussions)
The morning after Bill and Fleur's wedding Tonks laid in bed staring at the wall for what felt like the longest time. She could tell by the way the bed felt that Remus wasn't beside her.
When she finally turned around, she saw that it appeared that he had never come to bed at all. His side of the bed was still made up.
Tonks sighed as she sat up and her feet hit the cool floor beneath her. She found herself holding her breath for some reason as she stood up.
When she walked into the living room, she found a note instead of Remus.
She picked it up in her hand hesitantly, not wanting to look at it or read its contents, and ran her finger along the fine edge of the note before opening it up.
She dreaded to read what it said, but forced herself to look at it.
She reread it a few times, letting the message sink in. She sat down on the sofa, and held the note in her palms, reading it one more time.
'Dora,
I'm sorry for everything that's gone wrong in these past weeks. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want you and our child to be safe, and I worry that won't happen if I'm around.
I'm going to find Harry, Ron and Hermione to see if I can help them with whatever quest they are on. Perhaps I can help win this war.
I am so sorry. I just can't stay here anymore, and I don't want to force you into things you don't want, and I can't bare to witness this pregnancy or the fallout.
I don't know when I'll be back, but I love you.
Please stay with your parents while I am gone, they will keep you safer than I could.
- Remus.'
There were fresh tear drops that had fallen onto the parchment from Tonks. She wiped at her face, brushing the tears away.
She looked around her flat, it seemed so empty without Remus. She noted that Remus had left a lot of his things behind and she wondered if perhaps he would return soon. But, the note didn't promise that.
Tonks laid the letter down and walked in a trance to the kitchen. She made tea in silence, while her brain was going round and round, she couldn't turn off her thoughts. she wiped an occasional tear off her cheek as she stirred her tea.
Tonks went to try to take a small sip but recoiled at the last second. For some reason the smell of the tea immediately turned her stomach and her mouth watered disgustingly.
She quickly stood up and threw up in the kitchen sink. It was the only place she had time to make it to. She gasped as she gripped the sink. She cleaned the sick up with a wave of her wand.
She eventually gave up on the tea all together and went and laid down in bed. She felt exhausted from the day already.
When Tonks opened her eyes again it was mid afternoon. She shifted up in bed and remembered that Remus wasn't there.
She considered sending him a message but didn't know where he was. She didn't want to put him in danger or reveal his position to anyone around.
She chuckled at that thought. He certainly hadn't considered her safety when he left.
She decided not to send him a message for the time. Tonks took a shower that afternoon and tried to eat some toast for dinner to keep her busy and from contacting Remus.
After dinner, she sat alone on the sofa and cried. She had no clue how she would take care of their baby all on her own or how she would cope with losing the baby all alone if Remus wasn't there. She knew oddly little about lycanthropy too.
It was possible Remus wouldn't come back home again. She knew that was a potential possibility.
Tonks grabbed a quill and ink and wrote down a list of things she knew she'd need to pay for during the next year, as well as anything a baby might need.
The list was pretty long. She counted up how much she should have in her bank account and the price nearly matched what she had.
She sighed. She had enough money to cover expenses for about a year. After that, she'd need to find another form of income. It wasn't great, but it seemed like she might be able to make it work.
Next, she attempted to write down a list of people she could go to for help if she needed it. The only names she could come up with were her parents and Molly Weasley. Who, she was sure was so kind that she would try to help in anyway she could.
But, she still didn't know what she'd do if something went wrong on the full moon. She was certain no one would be able to help with that. And, if the baby was born a Werewolf she knew in that second she wouldn't be able to handle that. It would be cruel to subject her child to that kind of life without support or help from someone who was an expert. And the only expert on lycanthropy that Tonks knew was Remus.
Tonks went to sleep that night with her head full of worries for her child's future. She was starting to worry that Remus had been right after all.
Perhaps she should end the pregnancy before the child or she suffered.
It took Tonks a long time to fall asleep that night, and she tossed and turned most of the night.
On the other side of London,
Remus couldn't shake the Death Eaters tailing him, nor his inner demons.
So, he rented the cheapest room the leaky cauldron had for the night.
It was cheap and they usually gave you alcohol in your room for free.
He was desperate to get away from the Death Eaters and his ghosts so he could find Harry, Ron, and Hermione. It was the only worthwhile task he could come up with at the moment. It was the only thing he could rationally consider being more important than being with his wife and unborn child. He certainly knew there was a possibility that he could die trying to help Harry, but he kept talking himself into it.
'At least if you died a hero your kid might actually not be ashamed to call you their father.' He thought bitterly to himself as a downed a glass of unknown clear liquor. He grimaced as it burnt his throat. It tasted bitter.
He had attempted in vain to not think of Tonks and their unborn child, but that was no use. Both kept popping into his head every few minutes.
He tried to lay down and sleep but it was no use. By the time the morning sun began peaking over the London skyline, Remus was as desperate to leave. He packed his things as quickly as he could. He knew where he needed to go. It was the only place he could guess Harry would go.
Remus peered out of the sides of one of the curtains to his small room, out into the street. There were two death eaters in the square just outside.
He disapperated while still in his room, reemerging a few blocks away.
His final destination still out of touch.
Tonks hadn't slept that night either. Around 1am she found herself in the living room with thick books spread all out in front of her. She was desperate to find any semblance of hope that her child could be healthy. Nothing she found calmed her nerves. She found herself second guessing her decisions once again, thinking that in hindsight perhaps Remus had been right. She cursed herself, as now whatever happened she'd have to most likely face it alone.
Eventually, Tonks opened the last book, the one she hadn't wanted to open. She flipped through the pages till she found the potion that she would need. She surveyed the contents and the ingredients list. She had only two of the 7 ingredients listed.
She knew she needed to do it before she changed her mind.
It wasn't even past 6am when she got dressed and threw some floo powder in the fireplace. She was going to have to find the ingredients she needed somewhere, and buying them publicly wouldn't be safe.
She blushed in that moment in shame, as she remembered that she was supposed to go stay with her parents. She shook the thought off immediately. She couldn't go to them with this. Not now. She grabbed some floo powder from beside the fireplace.
She stuck her head in the flames that rose from the ashes.
"Molly? Are you awake? I was hoping to borrow some potion ingredients?" Tonks called into the Weasleys kitchen. She crossed her fingers and hoped she'd be up.
After a few seconds, there was a small rustling on the other side of the kitchen.
"Oh, Tonks." Molly said, surprised.
"Come on through, I might be able to help."
In a few seconds, Tonks had materialized in the kitchen.
"Hello, dear. Would you like some tea, I'm about to make some?" Molly offered.
"No." Tonks said too quickly. "I already had some." She tried to explain when Molly gave her a surprised look.
"I hope I didn't call too early." Tonks said. "I was up and realized I was missing a lot of potion ingredients, and I'm not employed now so I have to do something with my free time."
"Oh no, I'm up at 5 sharp most mornings. And, I hear you. I'll be surprised if Arthur isn't in the same position soon. It's not safe to work at the Ministry anymore." Molly said sadly.
"What, potions are you making?" Molly asked her as she poured herself tea.
Tonks grimaced a little at the smell of the tea.
"Oh, nothing specific. Like I said, I just realized how little supplies I had. I have a short list." Tonks explained to her, holding her breath once again.
"I'm sure we have some." Molly said as she pulled out a tiny potion cabinet.
"What are you looking for exactly?"
"10 Dittany leaves, plum extract, neen oil, one Shrivelig, and a fluxweed stem."
Molly started listing the items out loud as she looked in the cabinet.
"What was the last one you needed?"
"Ah, fluxweed stem." Tonks coughed.
Molly froze just slightly as she hunched over her tiny potion bottles, before turning to face Tonks.
Molly cocked her head to the side gasping a little. "How far along are you?" Molly asked, sounding resigned.
Tonks breath caught in her throat and she shook her head. She considered lying, but, responded after a few seconds of silence.
"N-not very far. Maybe 3 or 4 weeks or so." She explained resigned to her fate.
Molly nodded, solemnly.
Tonks eyes filled with hot tears, and she felt them spill over her face.
"Oh dear." Molly said coming to sit by her.
"It's alright. It's okay." Molly hugged her, trying to reassure her.
"You're not a bad person for considering we it. Especially, with the world being like it is right now." Molly patted her on the shoulder.
Tonks grimaced wiping the tears away from her face.
"I got pregnant one time right after Ginny was born. Way too early, just a month or two after. The war was still going and no one knew when or if it would end. I ended the pregnancy." Molly admitted..
"You did?" Tonks asked.
"Mhmm. I didn't telll Arthur either..so please keep it between us?" Molly asked.
"Y-yeah, of course. I wouldn't say anything."
Molly nodded in appreciation.
"Does Remus know?" Molly asked.
Tonks considered for a brief moment lying to her.
"Yeah, he knows." She told the truth.
Molly nodded.
"How does he feel about this whole thing?" Molly asked, surveying her.
Tonks rubbed the back of her head and neck.
"He agrees. We should probably end the pregnancy." Tonks explained, tears filling her eyes again.
She wiped at her eyes before they had a chance to fall.
Molly nodded.
"I don't have all the ingredients. I'm sorry." Molly told her. She could tell she meant it.
I don't have enough of the Dittany leaves, and I don't have flux weed stem. Without those the potion would likely cause you a lot of pain. It's something that should be considered." Molly explained.
Tonks nodded sadly.
"But, I'll package what I have up for you. It's your choice. You can talk about it with Remus at home"
Tonks nodded, sadly.
"You know. It's not really my business. I shouldn't ask. But, maybe friends or family could offer help. I know babies are expensive but perhaps this could be a good thing? You and Remus would be good parents, just for the record." Molly told her as she packed up the potion supplies.
Tonks nodded, rubbing the back of her neck.
"It's not really about finances or lack of support. R-Remus is worried the baby has Lycanthropy." Tonks was honest.
"Oh." Molly said. Sitting back down, understanding better.
"Why would he think that? Is that common?" Molly asked, her hand on her heart.
"I'm not sure, from what I've researched it looks like that's more common when the mother is a werewolf, not the father. But, I suppose it would probably be a gamble." Tonks explained, sighing.
"Well, I don't know anything about that. I'll be the first to admit it. Doesn't Remus have any information or contacts that could prove ah..useful?" Molly asked, trying to be sensitive.
Tonks shook her head. "I don't think so. He's been struggling with this a lot. It's kinda up to me to decide what to do I guess." She admitted.
Molly looked a little disagreeable at this statement.
"I mean, it's great he's not forcing you either way..but. Shouldn't he be helping more if he's so concerned for you and the baby?" Molly asked, clearly trying to prove a point.
"Probably, yeah." Tonks admitted.
"I don't want to end the pregnancy. Remus and I disagreed on what we should do. He wants to end the pregnancy. I'm on the fence. But, I need something to take if something goes wrong on the full moon. He made a fair point, if something was to go wrong, I could die." Tonks said quietly.
"I understand. The only thing I can recommend is maybe asking Ashley if she knows anything or if she has the remaining ingredients perhaps she could come up with a better way, or a different solution?" Molly mused sadly.
I would hate to see you end the pregnancy if you don't want to, dear. Especially, if the baby's health is the main concern. Perhaps someone could offer some guidance." Molly advised.
Tonks nodded, agreeing with Molly. If there was a way to protect the baby she wanted to do that.
Tonks held her breath as she walked down the sidewalk towards Ashlee's large manor house. She had been to Ashlee's house only once before on her own, and that day she'd been expecting her. This was an unexpected visit.
Tonks approached the guards outside the large hedge, that blocked Ashlee's property from the street. The guards were the same as last time.
"Uh, hi. Could I see Ashlee? We know each other. She didn't know I was coming, but" Tonks rambled on but was cut short by the guard.
"It's fine. Ms. Warbucks will see you. Go right in. She's in the living room." The man told Tonks.
Tonks nodded and stumbled slightly as she walked through the front door.
Ashlee was right where the guard had said she'd be.
"Hi." Ashlee greeted her.
Tonks was slightly surprised that she didn't seem more surprised.
"Hi, I'm sorry to bug you." Tonks muttered, twisting her fingers together.
"Oh no worries. Would you like some hot chocolate?" Ashlee indicated her cup.
"In August?" Tonks chuckled.
Ashlee shrugged.
"I guess it's not as weird when you're a vampire. Cold blooded and all." Ashlee chuckled.
"I'll take a cup." Tonks smiled slightly.
I was hoping you might have some potion ingredients I'm looking for?" Tonks asked, after she gave her a cup of cocoa.
It was warm in Tonks hands and tasted delicious as she sipped it slowly.
"I have a bunch of stuff. Just got some new inventory. I'll show you." She explained.
Tonks followed Ashlee downstairs into her basement. There was a small room with a small chaise lounge and a few plants. On the opposite end of the room were two double doors. Ashlee pushed them and they swung open to reveal a labyrinth of bubbling pots and vials over flames, and plants that hung wildly from the ceilings. There were boxes stuffed to the brim with all manner of magical herbs and fungi. There were also huge potion books on the island in the center of the basement kitchen, they were stacked high and towered over the rest of the pots and pans on the island.
Tonks jumped just slightly when she saw a huge man eating plant looming in a corner. It looked liked a giant Venus flytrap and snapped at them as they walk by.
"Oh, ignore her. She's just grumpy." Ashlee explained, motioning towards the plant.
"So. What are you looking for?" Ashlee asked, in a tone that was far too casual.
Suddenly, why she hadn't been surprised to see her was staring to seem like it made more sense.
Ashlee gave her a sympathetic look, and Tonks knew she knew.
"Molly told you didn't she?" Tonks asked.
Ashlee looked a little surprised at first but didn't try to lie.
She nodded. "Yeah, she came through the floo just a few minutes before you got here. She told me what was going on." Ashlee surveyed Tonks carefully.
Tonks sighed heavily.
"Dont be angry with her. It wasn't cross talk. She was just worried." Ashlee surveyed her.
Tonks pressed her lips together hard.
"Look. It's not my business. I personally don't care if you don't keep Remus' baby. But, he absolutely fucking should." Ashlee said, angrily.
Tonks sighed loudly.
"This isn't about Remus. I mean, He's afraid. But, I have to make sure I don't die, and that's on me, that's doesn't have anything to do with what he wants. I want to live." Tonks explained, wrapping her arms around herself.
Ashlee looked at her for a few seconds before speaking.
"But, Remus was the person who said he thought something would go wrong? That the baby had Lycanthropy?" Ashlee questioned.
Tonks nodded. "Mmhm. Do you think that isn't right? Molly said you might have more information?" She asked.
"I'm not an expert. But, when I lived in Africa, I knew women in the tribe I lived with in Tanzania that had Werewolves as husbands. Not all of their children were werewolves. it wasn't something that was a definitive science. Or, at least it didn't seem like it." Ashlee explained, her brow furrowed.
"The children that were werewolves? What happened to them?" Tonks asked.
"Some lived, others didn't." Ashlee was honest with her.
Tonks nodded, a foul taste in her mouth.
"I didn't want to end the pregnancy but Remus did and we disagreed. He worries I'll die or the baby will suffer." Tonks explained further.
" that's all we'll and good but those seem like rare possibilities. You seem perfectly fine to me right now. Like I said, it's not my business and I won't try to change your mind."
Tonks nodded.
"Do you think you have the ingredients? I'm thinking of keeping the potion on hand if something goes wrong on the full moon." Tonks explained.
"No. I'm not sure I even have all the ingredients you need for the potion you are looking for. I don't have fluxweed stem, without it you'd have have horrible pain with the potion, it would still work though.." Ashlee admitted.
Tonks sighed.
"But, I potentially have a better recommendation." Ashlee explained.
Ashlee put her finger up and started to look around the room in her cabinets before putting out a small clear vial of light purple liquid.
She put it on the table.
"It's pure unprocessed aconite." Ashlee explained.
Tonks raised her brows.
"In an emergency it would probably be faster, and it would probably hurt you less. You would miscarry naturally after. It wouldn't be comfortable, there would be pain. But, not excruciating like the other option." She explained, grimly.
Tonks took the potion from her, twisting it in her palm.
"I'm sure it goes without saying, but keep that away from any werewolves." She indicated the vial.
Tonks nodded grimly.
"Thank you. Hopefully I don't need to use it." She said.
"Well, if you're looking for a second opinion, I recommend this clinic. It's under St Mungos. They might be able to check you out, see how the baby looks. They are very discrete." Ashlee explained.
Tonks took the piece of paper with the address.
"What do I say?" Tonks asked.
Ashlee shrugged. "You could keep it vague. Just enough to get a check up." She suggested.
Tonks thanked Ashlee for her help before leaving.
"Once Remus comes to his senses, give him hell from me." She told her as she walked out the front door.
Tonks smiled just slightly at this.
An hour later Tonks was sitting with a healer in a small clinic room.
Tonks had written a fake name down on the form, but it seems like she would get away with it for the time.
"How far along are you exactly?" The healer asked as she wrote things down with her quill.
"Um, a few weeks, I'm not so sure. Sorry." Tonks apologized, she wasn't sure exactly what to say to this woman.
"Oh no need to apologize, I'll probably be able to tell anyway." The healer waved her down.
"I see you selected here in the form you've been having pain?" The healer asked concerned.
Tonks had lied on the form but she wasn't sure what else to say.
"Well, sometimes aches and pains during pregnancy can be normal. But, I can check to make sure everything looks okay today."
Tonks nodded while the healer got things ready.
She pulled an odd looking paper like screen that was propped up by a metal table over next to Tonks.
Tonks could feel her palms sweating. And realized the healer had asked her something, and she hadn't been paying attention to her.
I'm sorry what did you say?
Is this your and your husband's first baby? The healer asked kindly, pointing at her wedding ring.
Tonks nodded, "yes, it is."
The healer smiled. "I remember my first. I was so nervous." The healer smiled thoughtfully.
"Could you lay back for me, and lift your shirt up just a little?"
Tonks did what she asked, revealing her stomach.
The healer tapped her wand to the flimsy screen and a blue lighted projection displayed across to reach to Tonks stomach.
Tonks jumped just slightly at this.
The healer pointed to the center of the screen without saying anything.
And, there it was. She could just make out the small blotch in the center of the screen where the orb was projected.
It was just floating there. Like, a tiny little shadow, or some kind of small foreign invader.
"Oh." She said, endearingly.
Tonks looked at her quickly. Trying to gage her response.
"There's your little guy. He's there. Looks just fine. Healthy." She said smiling, pointing out the baby again.
"Ah-y-you, you can tell-I-it's a boy?" She struggled to get out what she wanted to say.
Tonks wasn't sure she had even wanted that news. Her stomach turned violently.
"Mhmm. I can tell because of the color of the orb. See, it's blue. If it were pink, that would indicate a girl.
Tonks just nodded. Feeling completely shell shocked.
"Well, now you can go home and tell your husband the baby is fine, and that you're going to have a boy. I'm sure he'll just be thrilled. Having a son is such a blessing." The healer said warmly, before retreating from the room.
Tonks put her hand on her stomach gently.
Perhaps, this baby would be a blessing. Maybe, she just couldn't see it yet. She knew it was possible that Remus might not come back, and that if she was going to continue with this she would need to be strong enough to do it all in her own.
All she knew was that she and Remus were having a son.
As she walked back to her flat, she made a deal with herself. She would keep the baby as long she could, and if nothing went wrong in 9 months she'd be his mother.
At least they'd have each other, even if Remus wasn't there.
She sat down on a bench a few blocks from home, sighing.
She couldn't help but feel slightly out of breath.
She looked down at her turning and queasy stomach.
"I'm sorry the world is so broken. I have no idea what I'm doing at all, but I promise I'll try my best to take care of you. Even, if it's just you and I."
Tonks sat on the bench for awhile, watching the muggles on the street walking to and fro, up and down the lane.
There must of been a nursery school nearby, because interestingly mostly she saw parents and young children pass by.
She watched them interact together, imagining her and Remus doing the same thing one day.
But, she also imagined what it would be like to do it alone.
Later, once she was back at home she kept perseverating on the paperwork the clinic had given her. She kept looking through it sheet by sheet.
It said that her son's due date was on or around April 11th 1998.
It also said, that her baby was currently the size of a gurdyroot seed.
She tucked the papers and the orb photograph she had that the healer had produced for her out of thin air, into a book on her nightstand and drifted off into a deep sleep. Dreaming of her son's uncertain future.