Lisa Silverman 05/ 04
What is friendship really?
It's a connection, a bond you build with other people. And you build that bond in different ways.
Shared memories, shared interests, shared activities.
So why is it that you felt Mami and Miho were not your true friends, when you have shared years of class, shopping, and dreams?
Maybe you have held back, worried that they were only hanging out with you to be seen with someone exotic. A childhood of being viewed as strange for being foreign has helped you believe that.
And you feel an instant kind of connection with Tatsuya, Maya, and Eikichi, that you never did with them.
Even Yukino is a fast forming and relatable friendship.
They say distance can break a friendship, but that doesn't feel true. Or maybe, you are the distance, holding yourself back and not fully committing even as they put their dreams and secrets freely into your hands.
Maybe you weren't committing, and that's why you could feel lonely even when in the same room. You hold yourself back, until the connection you felt is distant, and in stark contrast to the intensity of a childhood memory of friendship.
(And you didn't deserve that, like you don't deserve this, like you don't deserve anything)
It's true. And intrusive. You don't deserve it.
Maybe it's why you longed for unattainable things, like to be Tatsuya's girlfriend, or an idol singer. You can't have it, and that's why you want it, and don't deserve it.
And maybe that's why when you want to feel something, you choose something dangerous, the rush of rebellion makes you feel alive. And fighting demons is the biggest rush you have experienced in years. Fuck the stereotypes others want to push on you, no guns, no distance, just you, your friends, and your personas. There is a rush to be felt when you are alive and (bleeding) breathing with the opponent on their knees in defeat.
Maybe that's why, when you tested the power of rumors, you called Joker. It was terrifying and exhilarating, and may have started a journey you aren't ready for, but when the alternative is going back (to pretend nothing happened) it feels like no choice at all.
(Something happened, and maybe you are ready to face it)
And in the heat of the battle, you don't have to question if all the time spent together meant nothing (it meant something).
You don't have to face that your distance broke things in you,and others.
You don't have to think about the fact that they are gonegonegone now, if you tell yourself, that you were only pretending to care.
It wasn't friendship, right?
Lisa (reversed lovers) is so messy, there's a lot to think about. Maybe I'll do something more, but for now I'm satisfied with this.