(AN: Welcome back!! I included another flashback in this chapter, I hope you enjoy it! Same TWs continued from last chapter.)
Tonks stood eerily still, her hand pressed up against the front door.
The person on the other side hadn't said anything, but a small wave of hope that it was Remus flooded through her.
"Remus?" She asked, hesitantly.
"Dora, it's me." He answered back.
"I - how do I know it's you?" She asked, sounding annoyed.
"I screwed up. This is me trying to apologize." He admitted through the closed door.
Tonks sighed, and shakily unlatched the lock on the door.
She suddenly felt the relief of a few seconds before erased and replaced by anger and frustration.
They stood looking at each other for a few brief seconds.
"Come inside." She told him coldly.
Remus walked in over the threshold, holding his breath.
"Dora." He started.
"Hmhm." She shook her head.
"No. You don't get to come back and apologize now." She looked at him severely.
"I understand you are mad at me. I deserve it." Remus admitted, grimacing.
"Yeah you do." She rounded on him.
He just looked at her.
"And, and then you just come back like it's all fine. Like I can just forgive you?!" She shouted.
She picked up one of the throw pillows on the sofa and chucked it at Remus. It hit him and fell to the floor.
She breathed hard, looking at him, hoping he'd respond.
"Please, just talk with me?" Remus tried to implore with her patiently.
But, this only made Tonks feel angrier.
"Oh, you want to talk now?" She yelled shrilly, reminding her of her mother.
"I know that seems ironic in hindsight." Remus admitted, taking a deep breath.
Remus couldn't bare the idea that he had caused her pain.
He tried to reach out to touch her hand but she pulled away.
That hurt Remus more than anything she had said or thrown at him. She had never recoiled from him like that before.
It scared him.
Remus knelt down, practically prostrate, lying over Tonks feet.
"Please, I'm so sorry. I did the wrong thing." His voice was raw with emotion and scratchy from drink.
"You don't - g-get up." Tonks said, in a different tone now. Her voice was now filled with emotion as well.
A second later he was looking at her.
"You shouldn't have to beg." And, you don't get to beg me to forgive you." Tonks said grimacing, her lip quivering. He had made his choice before.
Remus sighed softly.
"You weren't here. You left." She told him, her voice shaking with rage and pain.
he looked wretched at her words.
"I made the wrong choice. I need to be here. And, you-you weren't supposed to stay here alone either, you were supposed to go to your parents?" Remus exclaimed, realization hitting him again, coming back up to stand.
"Well, you don't get a say if you're not here, I decided to stay here." Tonks told him.
Remus sighed heavily.
"I'm sorry. I should be here" He admitted, feeling relieved for some reason. As if he had gotten something horrible off his back.
"I'd prefer that." Tonks said, her lips pressing hard together, her arms folded around herself.
"Are-are you okay?" He asked, soberly. Realizing she had been all alone for five days.
Remus blanched slightly. Five days seemed like such a long time now.
She sat down on the sofa curling around herself.
"No, not really?" She shook her head, obviously questioning him.
Remus sat down next to her.
"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I want to make sure you're alright, you're my wife." He said, he almost looked like he had made to touch her but thought better of it at the last minute.
She scoffed.
She clearly didn't want him to touch her.
"Can I do anything for you?" Remus added.
"You could stay, and not leave again." She said sadly, barely looking at him.
He nodded.
"Molly and Ashlee know that I'm pregnant." Tonks admitted.
He looked at her.
"They do?" He questioned. Not sure how he felt about that.
Tonks nodded. She realized then why she was really so angry with him.
"You got in my head, Remus. I was convinced something would go wrong and I'd be all alone. That id die." She told him, quietly.
Remus swallowed hard.
"I didn't have all the ingredients for the potion i needed though. I was going to go through with it. I was going to end the pregnancy." Tonks told him.
"But neither of them had the ingredients either." She explained.
"But they made me feel a bit better, and Ashlee knew a place I could go get checked out." Tonks explained further.
Remus said nothing, listening intently. Waiting for her to explain further.
"I went to a clinic near St Mungos I -I saw the baby." She told him, wondering how he'd respond.
He blinked a few times.
"Y-you did?
She nodded.
"They said the baby looks healthy, they gave me a photo."
Remus looked weary momentarily.
"I didn't tell them about the lycanthropy. I wanted an unbiased opinion." she explained quickly.
He nodded. Still looking a bit weary.
"They said everything looked okay, though?" He clarified.
"Yeah. They said everything looked the way it was supposed to at least. they gave me some general info and that was it. The due date, stuff like that.
Remus just listened, he didn't respond.
"They were able to tell if the baby was a boy or girl, I didn't ask they just told me."She explained.
"Oh." Remus said.
"Do you want to know?" She asked hesitantly
"No." He said too quickly.
Tonks wasn't surprised but she was hurt. It was his baby too.
"Why are you here then? Why did you even come back?" She suddenly raged at him again. She suddenly felt very protective of their child.
"Because. Because I love you and want to be here with you. No matter what. I told you, This is where I need to be." He tried to calm her down.
He was desperate to make amends with her.
But, she didn't let him say anything else.
"You'll never love this child, will you though?" She asked quickly, sadness etched across her face.
Remus licked his lips a little and looked startled by the statement.
"N-that-that's not true" he said quietly, barely looking at her.
"But, you want to be here and act like this child doesn't exist, and you don't want to know anything about them." She said Sadly.
"You don't want to know if they'll be a boy or a girl. Or, what their due date is. You don't want to see photos of them. You're completely uninterested." She added
She just looked at him for a few seconds hoping he'd say something to show he cared.
He looked at her sadly but didn't speak.
"You told me once, that this was something that at one time you really wanted. If you could want it then, why can't you want it now?" She asked, trying to reason with him.
Finally he broke.
"Don't you understand, I'm afraid to be the person I was before. That person lost everything he ever had." He said, exasperated and frustrated.
She gasped a little.
"I have not had enough good experiences in my life to formulate good outcomes in my minds eye. I just-just can't. Not today, or tomorrow, and not next week. Or, next month." He added, trying not to sound frustrated.
"Can't you just do it artificially for a little while then? I'm sorry, I'm not ready to let go of the idea of this child. I-I won't just give up on them."
Remus cocked his head to the side a little, in a tragic sort of way.
He pitied her in that moment. She could tell.
"I'll try" he admitted.
Over the next few days Remus and Tonks spoke very little and Remus slept on the couch at night.
He knew he probably deserved it, even if she didn't tell me to do it.
Tonks hadn't forgiven him, and had been very obviously hurt by his lack of interest in their child.
At times, she secluded herself in the bedroom away from him for hours. Other times they sat quietly together without saying much.
On the afternoon of the fourth day, Remus found Tonks lying on the sofa. She was lying facing the window and was playing with the curtains. Apricot was lying at her feet glaring at Remus. He had also been angry with him.
He went and sat down next to her.
"Hey." He said softly, he touched her arm just briefly. It had been the most that they touched in well over a week.
She looked over at him.
"Wotcher?" She responded, not unkindly.
"You haven't really eaten today at all. Do you want anything? I could make you something." He offered..
She shook her head.
He sighed.
"Why not just something small?" He questioned.
She shrugged. "Juice."
"Okay." He agreed hesitantly. She needed real food.
He brought her some orange juice a few moments later.
She sat up a little and swirled it in her cup.
"Is it okay?" Remus asked, watching her
"Yeah, I just feel kinda sick. That's all." She admitted to him.
Remus brushed her hair out of her face.
She looked at him sorta oddly when he did it, but sipped slowly on her juice.
Remus breathed a sigh of relief when she did.
"When you say you feel sick, what do you mean? Is it your stomach?" Remus asked, trying to clarify. Otherwise his imagination would run wild.
Tonks nodded.
"Yeah, I've been kinda nauseous." She explained, sipping her juice.
"Here, why don't you lie on your left side, instead of your back." Remus shifted her pillow to prop her up more, and she turned to face him more properly.
Tonks felt instant relief once she moved.
"Thank you." She said appreciatively.
"Is that a bit better?" He asked.
She nodded, and smiled just slightly.
He was happy after days they had started to finally make amends with each other.
For a second it seemed like Remus was about to hug her, but then he sat bolt upright.
"What, what is it?" She asked, startled.
But, then there was a knock on the front door and she knew what had spooked him.
Tonks' eyes went wide.
"Don't get it." She whispered.
He silently waved her down, motioning for her to stay on the sofa.
He moved quickly and quietly over to the door, but a voice started him.
"Hello!? Anyone home?" An unknown man asked.
"I work for the ministry in the estate department, I'm looking for one Nymphadora Tonks."
Remus looked at her.
She motioned for him to open the door,
The man on the other side of the door looked startled to see him.
"Hello." Tonks heard Remus greet the man.
"Ahh, I apologize, I'm looking for one N, Tonks? That's not you, is it?" The ministry employee looked him up and down.
"She's in here." He motioned for the man to follow him.
"Ah." The man said dreamily, following in his wake.
Remus closed the door swiftly behind the man, making sure no one else could follow him in.
"I'm sorry we didn't get your name?" Remus asked, as Tonks sat up, disentangling herself from her blanket.
"Temple Provost. I work in estates and wills at the ministry." He introduced himself.
Remus nodded, confused why he'd be there. He stayed back, wanting to make sure he could see the whole apartment properly.
He looked to his wife who was carefully surveying the man as well, her wand was lying right next to her.
Temple was a small plump little man that had a huge briefcase with him, over flowing with papers and quills.
He appeared harmless as far as Remus could tell.
"What can I do for you? I no longer work for the ministry." Tonks explained, guarded.
"Oh, all well and good my lady. This is about what I can do for you." Temple explained in a thick Scottish accent,
He pulled a long scroll from his overflowing bag, unraveling it quickly.
"As you know, Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody died just over three weeks ago?" He questioned.
"Ag, yes." Tonks explained.
"Well, I'm not sure if you were made aware of this prior to his untimely demise, but you have been left control of all his greater assets, including his estate, belongings, his bank account and all monetary reserves."
"I'm sorry, what?" Tonks asked, confused.
"He listed you as his main and only beneficiary. If you could just sign here, it will all be settled, then I can leave you be." The little man explained, showing her where to sign on the piece of paper.
Tonks did what he asked, under the watchful eye of Remus, who was still wearily watching the encounter from the hall.
"That's settled it. I take this, and You keep this, it outlines the beneficiary benefits." He gave her a shorter scroll.
Temple Provost packed his belongings up quickly.
"I won't keep you. Hope you folks have a good day." he exclaimed as he turned to leave.
Remus gave him a curt nod.
"Just out of curiosity, how'd you find us?" Remus asked the little man as he showed him the door.
"Oh." The little man said, clearly not expecting this.
"The address was listed in the will." Temple explained, shifting oddly..
"Mhmm." Remus murmured, showing the man out.
Remus closed and locked the door behind him.
Once the man had left.
Remus went back into the living room to find Tonks reading over the scroll she had been given.
"I don't understand what just happened." She said, looking up at him, her hands shaking as she held the parchment in front of her.
Remus shook his head. He struggled to wrap his mind around it too.
But, he knew one thing.
The ministry shouldn't have been able to find them so easily.
That night, Remus sat in his small cramped study off the living room.
His mind was whirring like a cog wheel. he kept replaying certain ideas and memories in his mind. He also still couldn't believe Mad Eye had left everything he had in the whole world to his wife.
He thought that was fairly bizarre but also quite fitting. It showed just how close the pair had been.
Remus could see his wife's feet from his desk, she hadn't moved in a while and her was fairly certain that she was asleep.
Over the last few days, especially over the last few hours she was the person who came to his mind most often.
He kept thinking about one of the things she had said to him on upon his return home.
"You told me once, that this was something that at one time you really wanted. If you could want it then, why can't you want it now?"
Now, It weighed on his psyche, as he scribbled into his journal.
It was true. At one time a child was something he did crave. But, now it felt like too much life had happened in between that time and the present.
He vividly recalled a memory he had with James 17 years previously about the exact topic.
"Moony, call it quits. It's a holiday weekend. Dumbledores report is good enough." James scolded him, from the oversized chair across from the table where Remus sat.
Remus scratched his chin as he surveyed the report. Perhaps it was as good as it was going to get.
"Alright, alright, keep your head on. I'm sending it to him now." Remus said, getting up to stand.
He gave his sealed report to his owl who had been patiently waiting with his leg out.
Remus turned to James politely.
"I wasn't expecting you, what's up?" Remus asked, trying to sound casual.
James eyed him suspiciously.
"Well, i haven't seen you in almost a month. We've rarely gone this long without seeing each other." James said, brow furrowed.
"Oh. I know, I'm sorry I've just been busy with the Order and everything." Remus lied.
"Look. I wanna make amends with you, or whatever you'd like to call it. I'm worried you're mad at me or something. If I was an asshole or did something, I apologize. Seriously, Moony."
Remus panicked a little.
"No, you didn't do anything Prongs." Remus told him, hoping he believed him.
James eyed him again.
"Well, something is wrong, because you've never avoided me this long before, ever. Even if you were pissed at me?" James questioned him.
Remus sat down and sighed.
"It's Christmas tomorrow, I want you to come over. Lily misses you too." James pressed him.
Remus nodded. "Okay, that sounds nice, I'll come." He agreed, he couldn't avoid his friend forever.
"Then you're over whatever has been messing with you?" James asked concerned
"We have to trust each other." James added..
Remus sat down. He didn't want his friends not to trust him.
"I'm sorry, I dont want any of you to think you can't trust me, you can. I'll try to not be so absent, none of you did anything. I'm-I'm just dealing with my own stuff." Remus explained, crestfallen.
James stared at him for a few seconds concern etched on his face.
"If you think I'm not gonna ask, you're crazy." James warned.
Remus shook his head.
"is it about the new regulations?" James asked cautiously.
"Kinda, yeah. That doesn't help." Remus scoffed a little and reorganized a few things on his desk.
"Well, what else is it? Seriously mate, I'm worried?" James told him.
"I see Peter and Sirous didn't come with you?" Remus tried to change the subject.
"Why, was it something one them did that's got you in this funk? I'll beat them up." James joked.
Remus sighed, it clearly hadn't distracted James.
Remus took a deep breath and decided to tell him the truth.
" no. It's - it's you all really." Remus said quietly
James brow furrowed.
"It's just, all of you, your lives are changing and you're moving forward to new and exciting parts of your lives, and I feel like I am just staying right where I've always been." Remus said.
James looked crushed at these words.
"Jeez, Moony." James said sadly.
"I wish I'd known you felt like that." He told his friend soberly.
Remus just nodded.
"But, you you're going places, you've done great things for The Order and wizards everywhere these last few years. I know your mom's death hit you hard this year. But you'll rally, that's who you are. I know it's been a hard year." James tried to encourage him.
"Thank you, I appreciate the vote of confidence, Prongs."
James nodded..
"Do-do think you could do me a favor? If it's too much I understand." Remus asked.
"Of course, anything."
"Maybe when we're all together, we could talk about the baby a little less? I know it's a big ask, it kinda makes me feel shittier than normal." Remus asked, feeling like crap for even asking.
James sighed, cocking his head.
"That's why you've been avoiding us?" James asked. "We have talked about it a lot, we're just excited." he added, not wanting to add insult to injury.
"I know, I know. You have every right to be to. I - it's me. Not any of you." He promised.
"It's just hard to see it, and know it'll probably never happen for me." Remus added.
James looked crushed at that.
"Remus that's not true. You're not even 20 years old yet. And, Please, please don't ever say that near Lily. It would kill her." James pleaded.
"I won't. But, it is true. I can't just throw caution to the wind, and act on impulse and be selfish. I-i don't have that privilege as a werewolf." Remus told him, soberly.
"The ministry has made sure of that." He added coolly, before James could say anything.
"But, one day maybe things will be different, or you'll meet someone who makes you want to change your mind?" James mused.
"Maybe, I hope so." Remus admitted.
"So, we'll see you tomorrow for Christmas then? Christmas of 79' only comes once! James clarified.
"Of course." Remus replied.
Remus was brought out of his reverie by the sound of a horn blaring in the street outside.
In the present, Remus sadly lamented that that was last true Christmas he and James had ever spent together. The following year the full moon was the day before and he was sick most of Christmas day, and he had only seen James and Lily briefly that night when he dropped off a gift for Harry.
The year after, they were both dead. That Christmas had been one of the worst in his life.
Remus shuddered a little thinking about it, wiping at his face with his hands.
He looked up and saw his wife's feet sticking out of her blanket.
He slowly got up and attempted to walk to the couch quietly.
He covered her feet delicately back up, without waking her.
He stared down at her, determined to stop wasting his time with her.
Next year, he could be dead.
He sighed.
Perhaps, this is what it truly looked like to make amends.
Perhaps the person he once was, wasn't so far away from who was now.
Only time would tell.