Rise Kujikawa 06/ 01

True self is something Rise used to muse on a lot.

A Rise worn around family, Risette worn on stage, a mask worn for fans (different from the personality worn for customers at the store) , a face she wore only for her grandmother.

Personalities stacked in infinities within herself, to be brought out for the occasion. They all share the shape of her face, but the colour's and details are always different. Some are subtle, while others differ drastically.

Amongst all the masks she had, she wondered where her own face had gone. What is real, amongst all the other things other people want her to be?

Risette is ditzy and cute.

Rise thinks she can be more than just cute.

She can be flirty. She wants to be flirty.

So Rise is flirty and wants a boyfriend in contrast to Risette.

She starts to tally up differences between her personas. All the little ways she isn't Risette.

But it's not that cut and clear.

She misses idol work, and doesn't want to admit it. And it hurts to see Risette so casually dismissed by the masses.

And the question lingers. "Who am I without Risette? Who would I be if I hadn't become an Idol?"

Rise thinks back to that shy kid she was before becoming an idol opened up so many doors for her? The one who was shy and bullied. She's not sure she would want to go back to being her.

Giving up being an Idol for good wouldn't mean going back to being her, but a lot of doors would be closed to her that are open now. Is Rise content to be ordinary when she could be extraordinary?

"No" she claims sometimes. "Yes" her heart demands other moments. Her brain is at war with itself, which makes all the other people weighing in on it frustrating.

Whatever she chooses she wants it to be her choice. Wholly and completely.

In the meanwhile, she focuses on Rise the investigator, someone who has friends. A cause. It's nice to have friends with such diverse interests outside of work. She loved the job, but it swallowed a lot of her life, and it's nice to be someone outside of it. Someone who can flirt and not have it mean much (even when she wants it to), who can take a break from being a representative at times.

To perform with her friends who aren't coworkers. It's a nice change of pace.

Maybe they are easy to read for everyone. She doesn't think so. She thinks knowing and analyzing the mask they use to fight shadows has given her an insight into them in a way no one else can claim.

Japanese legends that reflect traits of her friends, sometimes in ways that are surprising, and in other ways plain to see. She won't tell them how though.

Part of the journey they are on is having to figure it out themselves. She won't rob them of that.

And then there is Yu. Forever showing a different face to each person he is with, in a multitude of subtle ways. Everyone does it unconsciously to an extent, and in contrast he is deliberately conscious of what face he presents to each person in his life.

Some people would claim its manipulative, but she likes it in him. It shows he is taking care to make people comfortable with him.

And it's what she does too. It's why she is good at being an idol, it's what she was scouted for. The ability to handle a crowd. To make people feel comfortable, to feel known and at ease, in the space of moments. Singing, dancing, performing, that's all stuff that can be taught, and that she has learned to do well. But someone, back in the day, saw that ability in you back when she was a shy bullied kid, and gave her an opportunity. One that she took with both hands, and learned with pride.

She is glad she did it, and it led her here. In spite of all the bumps in the road, it was worth it.

Its funny how in spite of having thoughts like that, it doesn't hit her how badly she will miss it until the opportunity to go back has almost been lost. Then she realizes she has been acting like a brat.

Yu puts it into words well.

"Risette is Rise too."

It's something she knew with a solid surety when she got her Persona from the shadow of things she didn't like about herself.

But that's Rise too. There is no true self.

Funny how she put that knowledge aside the second she left the TV world. Not forgotten, but not applied to her. A fleeting revelation of clarity that faded in the morning mist.

It's probably something she will need to find and be reminded of again, but for now she intends to hold it close.