ミシガン湖
BOOBY Headquarters
The walls were lined with pulsating screens, each displaying a dizzying array of data in neon colors. Catgirl androids scurried about, their movements a blur of efficiency and feline grace. The air crackled with an electric energy, punctuated by the occasional meow.
At the center of this technological maelstrom stood Agent Neko-chan, her crisp uniform adorned with an stupendous number of medals and ribbons from every world leader, even her husbando, Saddam Hussein. Her cat ears twitched as she surveyed the room, tail swishing behind her with barely contained excitement.
"ブリーフィングを始めましょう!" (Let's begin the briefing!) she announced, her voice carrying a hint of a purr.
The massive screen before her flickered to life, revealing a 3D model of Lincoln's orbital ultra-mansion. Next to it, a giant bowling ball hurtled through space, its trajectory aimed squarely at Earth.
"As you can see," Neko-chan continued, switching to heavily accented English, "Operation: スペース・ストライク (Space Strike) is in full effect. Our target, Lincoln Loud, remains oblivious to the impending doom approaching from the Andromeda galaxy."
She gestured to a subordinate, who pressed a comically large red button. The screen zoomed in on Royal Woods, showing the chaos unfolding in the streets.
"Meanwhile, on Earth, the situation grows more ニャンセンス (nyansense) by the minute," Neko-chan reported, her cat pun eliciting groans from the assembled agents.
Standing next to her, Commander Higehige stroked his massive eyebrows thoughtfully. Each brow was the size of a small cat, and seemed to have a life of its own. "And what of our operatives on the ground?" he asked, his voice impossibly deep.
Neko-chan pressed another button, and the screen split to show Gangsta Clyde and Ronnie Anne. "These two remain a wildcard, nya~ They must be neutralized to secure a stable municipal situation for Kakaka Kusuri Corporation."
The words "カカカクスリ" flashed across the screen in seizure-inducing neon, accompanied by a catchy jingle that would be stuck in everyone's heads for weeks.
Suddenly, alarms began blaring. Red lights flashed, and the catgirl androids started running in circles, their tails puffed up in panic. "警報! 警報!" (Alert! Alert!) they cried in perfect unison.
Commander Higehige's eyebrows stood at attention, but the commander himself needed a masturbation break first before he came back and said, "What's happening?"
A junior agent, her cat ears folded back in distress, reported breathlessly, "Sir! The bowling ball from Andromeda has accelerated! Impact imminent in T-minus 10 meow-nutes!"
Neko-chan's eyes widened. "Impossible! Our calculations were purrfect!"
The screen now showed the giant bowling ball hurtling towards Earth at impossible speeds, leaving a trail of star stuff. In the background, a heavy metal version of "Cha La Head Cha La" began playing, because why not?
"We have no choice," Commander Higehige declared, his eyebrows quivering with resolve. "Initiate Project: キャットストロフィ (Catastrophe)!"
Neko-chan gasped, her tail standing straight up. "But sir, that's completely untested! The consequences could be nya-strous!"
"We have no other option," Higehige insisted, slamming his fist on a nearby console, causing it to explode in a shower of sparks and catnip.
With trembling paws, Neko-chan approached a glass case containing a single red button labeled "押すな" (Do Not Push). She hesitated for a moment, then smashed the glass with a conveniently placed hammer.
As her hand hovered over the button, time seemed to slow. The catgirl androids froze mid-panic. Commander Higehige's eyebrows waved dramatically in an impossible breeze.
Neko-chan took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and pressed the button.
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, with a sound that can only be described as "FWOOMP," the entire facility began to transform. Walls shifted, floors tilted, and ceilings retracted. The catgirl androids were sucked into hidden compartments, meowing in surprise.
When the transformation was complete, the once high-tech facility had become... a giant robotic cat. Its eyes glowed with an otherworldly light, and its mechanical tail swished back and forth, demolishing nearby buildings.
Neko-chan and Commander Higehige found themselves in the control room, located in the robot cat's head. Neko-chan gripped the controls, which were shaped like oversized cat paws. "Robo-Nyan, online!" she declared.
The giant robotic cat let out a deafening "MEOW!" that shook the very landcsapes of Michigan. It crouched, its haunches wiggling in preparation, then leaped into the sky with impossible force.
As Robo-Nyan soared towards the approaching bowling ball, Neko-chan turned to Commander Higehige. "Sir, what about Royal Woods? What about Lincoln Loud?"
Higehige's eyebrows formed a perfect "V" of determination. "One crisis at a time, Agent. For now, we must save the Earth. Royal Woods will have to fend for itself."
Immediately, the gravitational warp of the giant ball caused meteors to crash into the mansion. Lincoln and his adoptive gay fathers panicked and ran around in circles for hours until Harold realized that the mansion was in trouble and thus they began to panic and run around in circles for an actual reason. Luckily, there were just enough lifepods for Lincoln to escape. Actually, there were enough lifepods for everyone in the mansion to escape, but Lincoln launched all the pods with himself, gave Harold and Howard a smirk and a salute, and flew back to Earth. The mansion exploded.
When Lincoln arrived back on Earth in a crater, his eyes boggled when he saw Harold and Howard already lounging for a sun tan.
"How did you guys get here?"
"Oh, hey Lincoln! Weird meeting you here, jumping out of a flaming metal space pod in Tall Timbers Park," went Harold. "It's been a while ever since you went up to that weirdo mansion in space."
Lincoln paused, then looked up at the flaming wreckage of the orbital mansion, then back at Clyde's dads.
"We were going to come up with you, but you already left," said Howard, sipping a martini while wearing a thong. "What's wrong?"
Mr. Grouse stood outside the Loud House, now relocated to 1217 Franklin Avenue. He scratched his balding head.
Next door, at 1216 Franklin Ave, a new neighbor was moving in. The man's eyes darted back and forth, his hands twitching as if itching to wrap around someone's throat. Every morning, he'd flip a coin, muttering, "Heads, I'm a model citizen. Tails, I paint the town red... literally."
Mr. Grouse, ignoring his new neighbor's homicidal tendencies, raised a megaphone to his lips. "Dear Loud Family," he bellowed, his voice echoing down the street, "I have an announcement! I was faking my anger and murderous rage! I am not actually going to kill you! So will you please let me back into my home?"
Inside the Loud House, the family huddled together, whispering furiously. Lynn Sr. poked his head out of the window, his hair even more frazzled than usual. "Sorry, Bud, can't risk it! Back away from the house!"
Mr. Grouse's shoulders slumped. He trudged away, his mind racing. "Blast those Louds. As long as they think I'm a murderer..." As he walked, he passed a tree where several squirrels chittered mockingly at him. Suddenly, a lightbulb went off in his head. "That's it!" he exclaimed, startling a nearby cat.
Later that day, at the Royal Woods Community Park, Lynn Jr. was getting ready for her softball game. The Louds had gathered to support her, their cardboard box home temporarily abandoned. The newly reformed Royal Woods Squirrels were warming up, their tails swishing as they practiced their swings.
As the game began, a peculiar sight caught everyone's attention. The team's squirrel mascot waddled onto the field, its costume bulging oddly and threatening to burst at the seams. It danced awkwardly, its movements jerky and uncoordinated.
"What in the name of Lily's dirty diapers is wrong with that mascot?" Lynn Sr wondered aloud, his eyes wide with fascination.
Inside the costume, Mr. Grouse sweated profusely, his body contorted around dozens of live squirrels. "Just act natural," he whispered to himself, executing a clumsy cartwheel.
The game progressed, and the Squirrels were losing badly. With each run scored against them, the mascot's dance became more frantic and desperate. Inside the suit, Mr. Grouse was sweating buckets, his plan seemingly backfiring. "What if I really AM a murderer?" he muttered to himself, his voice muffled by the oversized squirrel head.
Just as he was about to give up and leave, a commotion erupted on the field. The umpire blew his whistle, calling for attention. "Hold everything!" he shouted. "There's been a mistake! This team isn't the Squirrels at all – they're the Royal Woods Kangaroos!"
As if by magic, the tide of the game turned. The newly christened Kangaroos began scoring run after run, their performance a complete reversal of their earlier play. The Loud family cheered wildly, their earlier suspicions about Mr. Grouse momentarily forgotten in the excitement of victory.
As the final out was called and the Kangaroos were declared the winners, Mr. Grouse decided it was time for the big reveal. He waddled to the center of the field and, with a dramatic flourish, removed the mascot head.
"Ta-da!" he exclaimed, his face red and sweaty but triumphant. "See? I'm not a murderer after all!"
The Louds gasped in unison, their eyes wide with shock and a hint of embarrassment. Rita stepped forward, wringing her hands. "Oh, Mr. Grouse, we're so sorry for thinking you were a murderer. Can you ever forgive us?"
Mr. Grouse beamed, basking in the glow of vindication.
"Oh, and sorry about selling all your furniture."
Mr. Grouse's smile froze. "Wait, what?"
The scene abruptly shifted. Mr. Grouse found himself standing on the sun-baked sand of Aloha Beach, the Loud family frolicking in the distance. He turned to face an invisible audience, sweat pouring down his face.
"Well, folks," he said, his voice strained, "I'm glad the Louds no longer believe I'm a murderer. But there's a catch – they only believe it as long as I stay in this blasted costume!"
From afar, Lola's shrill voice carried across the beach. "Mr. Grouse! Put the head back on! It's part of the deal!"
With a heavy sigh, Mr. Grouse complied, slipping the sweltering squirrel head back on.
As the scene faded to black, Lucy materialized from the shadows, carrying a glass of water. "Mr. Grouse," she intoned, her voice as flat as ever, "I apologize that it's gone this far. If I had known the family was going to go to these lengths, I would have—"
Mr. Grouse snatched the cold glass, waved her off and downed the water in one gulp. "Don't worry about it, Spooky. I can handle the heat! Besides, you never thought I was a murderer, did you? Even though I tried murdering you with a punt gun?"
Lucy's lips twitched in what might have been a smile. "I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of hoping you were one. Very hardcore. By the way, I hid your furniture in the backyard next to the bodies of your victims. But fear not, I have a spell to transfer all of your supposed 'murderousness' onto my family."
Before Mr. Grouse could protest, Lucy began chanting in a language that sounded suspiciously like backwards Pig Latin. Suddenly, the air around the Loud family seemed to shimmer, and their eyes took on a manic gleam.
"What's happening?" Lynn Sr. cried out, his hands twitching uncontrollably.
"I feel... murderous!" Lola exclaimed, her tiara askew.
"I feel the need for carnage!" Lori cried as she involuntarily karate-chopped a nearby sand castle and kicked a little boy in the face.
The Louds began chasing each other around the beach, shouting accusations and wielding sand shovels like weapons, sans for Lily who is totally innocent and waddled away to play with baby seals, awwwww. Lucy watched, but nature called, and she vanished for a while.
As chaos reigned, Mr. Grouse approached the beleaguered family. "Are you proud of yourselves?" he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Proud of locking me out of my own home? Telling me I'm not wanted? Blaming me for clogging the toilet? Scaring me because I wanted some alone time? Reading all your embarrassing secrets to the school? Eating peanut butter with my booger-picking finger?"
The Louds paused in their mayhem, looking utterly confused. "Uh... what the fuck are you talking about?" Lori demanded, holding a mostly-dead pulverized peon in her hand.
Mr. Grouse's eyes gleamed with manic energy. "Well, guess what, dear family! I'm not gonna take it anymore!" With a dramatic flourish, he unzipped the squirrel costume...
...revealing himself to be a giant, live-action gorilla! The Rage Gorilla beat and pummeled the Loud family bloody and pulpy, nice and juicy, and there wasn't much left of them as it marinated the beach sands with their blood and gore, look over there, it's Lynn Sr's face. Wow! The gorilla ripped off Luan's arm and beat her to death with it. Behold as it tears Lola and Lana in half from the waist down and stomps out their faces. Whoops, sorry Lucy, you thought you could escape the hate? The gorilla juiced her head like a grape. Then it delivers an atomic uppercut to the rest. Little bits of Lucy fall all over the world. DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM! It smacked Lori's shit UP, a single blow twisted her head off her shoulders and it used it for golf practice! Where you hidin, where you hidin Luna, it ripped her ass off her ass and shoved it up her ass. Rita gets smashed into cherry pulp, DOWN BITCH, BOOOOOOOOM, SHOCK goes the slutmom as he remains spray along the coastline. Who the fuck did I even miss, she dies too. Lisa! You feel the impact hit your face. What makes you think I'll let you survive?
I am the wall you can never climb
I am the pain that you feel inside
I bring it all, let the show begin
I am the war you can never win
War zone, war zone
This is where it's going down
War zone, war zone
When you walk in my world
Madness is coming your way
Madness is coming your way
Everything went black.
Mr. Grouse jolted awake, finding himself back in his own bed, in his own house. "Oh, bully!" he exclaimed, relief washing over him. "It was all a dream!"
Meanwhile, across the street, the Loud family huddled in their cardboard box, plotting their next move. "You know," Lynn Sr. mused, "Mr. Grouse's house is looking mighty cozy right about now."
With a collective nod, the Louds emerged from their makeshift home. They marched across the street, kicked down Mr. Grouse's door, and proceeded to unceremoniously evict him with intense ultraviolence. Including several hundred kidney punches. The man was incontinent and pissing blood all over the floor as he garbled rage.
The police then arrived to apprehend the criminal.
As Mr. Grouse was led away in handcuffs, protesting his innocence, the Louds settled into their new home.
"Ah, home sweet home!" said Lynn Jr as she rested her feet on Mr Grouse's ex-furniture.
Elsewhere, Lucy had managed to escape the grip of the Louds and was running down the streets, brapping the whole time of course, before stopping near a Taco Bell to catch her breath. All she wanted was for this madness to end. She knew that something in her life had gone wrong, and she realized what it was at long last: before she could make amends with Lincoln, she had to make amends with Ronnie Anne. No matter what, she would throw herself at the innocent girl's feet and plead that she was not the worthless soul many believed her to be. If she ever wanted to go to Hell and be with Satan, she needed to make sure that she at least had her affairs on Earth wrapped up first, and she knew how to convince Ronnie Anne...
Tapey hated her, hated her guts, hates goths in general, inflicted a sickening gut crunch, and sent her into that Taco Bell bathroom, where she was somehow only the second-worst destroyer of the bathroom that day.
And meanwhile, Lincoln was homeless and lost, wandering aimlessly, wondering where he had gone wrong in life. He remembered the vow he made: to bring Ronnie Anne to justice and protect his family. Where had he gone wrong? He sat on a cold, grey concrete bench in a park and sighed. And he looked up, seeing the oak leaves fluttering en masse through the air into the pearly pink sunset at an unusually bright red star...