ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WHINE
"I still miss Miss Bennet," Bingley said mournfully. He was not normally given to melancholy but it was practically mandatory at this stage of inebriation.
"Why? What is it that you miss about her?" Darcy asked. He had also been imbibing and had reached the stage in which he spoke a little slower and attempted to enunciate words more carefully, in the hopes of disguising the effect and appearing more in control of himself. But Bingley did not appear to hear him.
"Oh Jane," Bingley sighed. "Is there any name more feminine and beautiful?"
"I think Jane is a perfectly plain and ordinary name," Darcy said.
"Plain and ordinary! Have you seen Jane?" Bingley said indignantly. "She is an ethereal beauty, I tell you. A celestial being, is my Jane."
"If you say so," Darcy said.
"If she is a celestial being she might be a tad out of your touch," Hurst said. He was at that stage of drunkenness in which he looked no different from the usual. Some might say it was because he was usually drunk. But it is not the object of this work to judge him so we will say nothing of the sort.
"I have touched her when we danced," Bingley said. "And I helped her into a carriage once."
"Right," said Darcy. "You have never danced with anyone else. So are practically engaged then."
"She is an angel," Bingley said. "No need to be practical."
"What is a heavenly messenger going to want with Charles Bingley, soiree slug extraordinaire?" Hurst said.
"Now wait a minute!" Bingley exclaimed.
"I am just saying," Hurst said.
"We know," Darcy said. "We just heard you saying."
"What I mean is, our boy has no skills in the celestial game," Hurst said. "Might be better off trying to bag an ordinary girl."
"All I want is my Jane," Bingley said, staring sadly at his drink. "She was the one for me..."
"If she was the one for you you would have her," Darcy said. "You would not have left her behind."
"But I thought you told me that I should," Bingley said. He looked confused for a while. "I am sure you did. I remember it very clearly."
"She does not seem to return your affection," Darcy said.
"Couldn't she learn to love me?" Bingley wondered. "She's very smart and she might learn to do anything."
"If one assumes that loving you is the smart thing to do," Hurst said. "Not a given fact."
"You should not have convinced me to give up so easily," Bingley said.
"Is it our fault if you were not that difficult to convince?" Hurst questioned. "If I was the wing girl I would be a little upset. Escorting Caroline to the Cooper ball was more important to you than returning to the celestial angel."
"The Cooper ball? Was I there?"
"Everybody was," Darcy said, looking disgusted. "It was a horrid crush."
"Maybe I made a mistake," Bingley said. "I should go back to Hertfordshire."
"Whatever for?" Hurst asked. "She is in London."
"Jane is in London?"
"Oops, I was not supposed to say, probably," Hurst said. "She wrote to Caroline and called on her, and Louisa and Caroline returned the call in Cheapside."
"Why did they not tell me?"
"Everyone is expecting you to forget about her. Angels are twelve in a dozen, after all," Hurst said. "Out of sight, out of luck, and all that."
"I don't want to forget her," Bingley said indignantly. "I have to go to Sheephide." He started to get up but the chair legs were in the way.
"Better to sleep it off first," Hurst said. "Not at all the thing to go wooing at this time of the night, half out of your senses."
"Better think it over once more," Darcy said. "You must realise that you could do better than Miss Bennet. Once you're sober, anyway."
"I could do richer," Bingley said. "But there is no other Jane."
"There is no other Caroline but you don't see Darcy marrying her because of that," Hurst said.
"There is Miss Fairfax," said Darcy.
"What about her?" Bingley asked.
"Her name is Jane," Darcy said. But Bingley did not seem to understand so he clarified further. "There is another Jane."
"Is there?" Bingley attempted to rewind the conversation to figure out why Darcy brought this up but he had to give the pursuit up because it made him dizzy.
"You can't stand in a street corner and throw a stone without hitting a few Janes," Hurst said.
"I could not hit Jane!" Bingley slurred. "I could not stow a throne at her!"
"You could not stand in a street corner," Darcy said.
"Because you could not stand," Hurst said.
"Here, have some water next," Darcy said.
"Jane is an angel," Bingley said. "I miss her so."
"Why? What do you miss about her?" Darcy repeated his earlier question.
"Her face, her voice, her hair, her air... "
"Oh no, Darcy, listen," said Mr. Hurst. "The boy rhymes, he's got it bad."
"Her good heart, her womanly parts," Bingley said. "Her... things." He made hand gestures that might have illustrated said womanly parts if he was more sober. However, at this stage of intoxication, Bingley's hand-drawn portrait of Jane Bennet looked more like the love child of a melted snowman and the map of Africa.
"Her wings?" Hurst said.
"Her lumpy, deformed protrusions, clearly," said Darcy.
"She is not deformed," said Bingley. "Take it back or we will have problems."
"You just amply demonstrated her odd shape," Darcy said.
"Name your seconds," Bingley said. "It will be distals at pawn. Pistols at dawn."
"Dream on," said Darcy. "If you wake up before dinnertime I would be all astonishment."
"Apologise," said Bingley.
"All right," Darcy said. "I am sorry for noticing that your exhibition of Miss Bennet's things was lumpy and strangely asymmetric."
"Come now, Darcy," said Hurst. "Her things are perfectly delectable."
"Miss Bennet is not that special," Darcy said irritably. "Every woman has things."
"Yes but I am in love with her, not every woman," said Bingley.
"I would not be so sure about that, brother," Hurst said. "At this point you must have been in love with nearly all of them."
"Ha, ha," said Bingley. "Not funny, Hurst."
"He's not funny but he is right," Darcy said. "By my count, Miss Bennet is angel number twenty-six or thereabouts. There have been at least one or four for every year that you have been out and about."
"Angels are like tough times," Hurst said. "They never last."
"But she is different," Bingley said, sniffling. "I could not forget her easily."
"Have another drink then," Hurst said. "Once you have had enough you forget everything."
"Why do I need to forget her again?" Bingley shook his head, bewildered. "I don't want to."
"The family, Bingley," Darcy said. "Think about the vulgar sisters."
"Now wait a minute!" Bingley protested vehemently. "I know Caroline and Louisa are pretty tedious sometimes, but surely calling them vulgar is a fridge too bar!"
"I meant Miss Bennet's sisters," Darcy said.
"I thought you rather liked Miss Elizabeth," Hurst said. "You asked her to dance more than once."
"I would like her much better if she was an orphan and an only child," Darcy said. "The mother is quite mannerless, the younger sisters act inappropriately, and the indolent father does not seem to notice or care."
"Relatives are the bane of a man's life," Hurst agreed.
Bingley returned to the familiar refrain. "My Jane may be someone's relative but she is also an angel!"
"As ethereal and as penniless," Darcy said.
"Well, dash it all, I have a penny!" Bingley said. "I can lend you one too if you need it."
"Which is precisely why her mercenary mother has latched on to you."
"So, her mother wants Jane to marry me," Bingley shrugged. "Fine with me, so do I. It would be dashed awkward to go a-courting a fair maiden if her family was against me. I have no fancy to be chased off with a stick."
"You would pay quite a price for a pretty face," Darcy said.
"What? My Jane is not for sale, you nodcock."
"Darcy means her dowry," Hurst said. "She could not help you better your lot, what with her lack of dowry. You would be expected to settle money on her and save her family instead."
"Time and time again, you know," Darcy said. "If her father died you might end up supporting her mother and sisters for decades."
"I have enough money," Bingley said. "We could make do."
His face brightened. "If Mrs. Bennet and the loud girls stayed with us, Caroline would probably wish to go live with Hurst."
"I beg your pardon!" Hurst exclaimed. "I took one of your sisters, I did not sign up for two."
Bingley snapped his fingers, or attempted to. "There must be a cottage somewhere that I could lease for them. And Caroline could move in with them. Wouldn't need a companion or her own establishment, and they could share a maid."
"I am sure they would all be delighted," Darcy said. "Most of all the maid."
"But I suppose it will have to wait," Bingley remembered. "Mr. Bennet would not wish to give up his wife and daughters just yet."
"Maybe you could trade with him," Hurst said. "You take one of his daughters and in return, he gets Caroline. She could make herself useful nagging at the daughters whenever he can't be bothered."
"My Jane does not nag," Bingley said, off on a dreamy tangent again. "She is soft-spoken and considerate, with a mild temper and graceful manners."
"None of that would help you advance in this world," Darcy said. "She knows nobody in the ton who could help ease her way in. Her softness would be seen as weakness, and she would get eaten alive in London."
"But what do I need to advance in this world for? Why would I even need to go to London?" Bingley asked philosophically. "To find a wealthy wife, that's what for. But it would be a moot point if I was already married."
"Miss Bennet's connections can do nothing to help you find a good match for your sister and get Miss Bingley settled," Darcy said.
Bingley agreed to this reluctantly, and spent a moment quietly brooding about it. But then he perked up again.
"Say, if I marry a rich society belle from a splendid old family, will you then marry Caroline?"
"What? No!" Darcy exclaimed. "Of course not!"
"It won't wash, man," Hurst shook his head sadly. "I have tried before, you know, but Darcy is adamant."
"I have never said I would marry Miss Bingley!" Darcy said angrily.
"Come on, Darce, be a good sport," Bingley cajoled. "It would be to everyone's benefit. Caroline would be out of my way in Derbyshire. She would be happy as a lark, playing lady of the manor, and you could never find another woman who is more devoted to your every opinion."
"Good heavens! If I found a woman who is more devoted to my every opinion I would have to go into exile!" Darcy shuddered. "I am not going to marry your sister. You have been a good friend, Bingley. But not that good."
"Well, then my marriage and my wife's connections won't matter one jot," Bingley said stubbornly. "Caroline has had plenty of hopefuls but she has put them all off because she is holding out for an offer from you. So if you and Pember-bloody-ley won't have her Hurst and I are going to be stuck with her regardless."
"And your wife," Darcy said. "If she can survive the ordeal."
"What do you mean?" Bingley said, confused.
"Well, it is pretty clear that Miss Bingley does not care for Miss Bennet and misses no opportunity to point out her faults," Darcy said. "Which one of them would be the real mistress of your household?"
"Is it fair to inflict Caroline on an angel?" Hurst mused. "Charles, I really think you would do better to marry some dragon shrew so they could battle it out. To the death, preferably."
"Sharpened hat pins and poisoned teacakes – who will emerge victorious?" Darcy said.
"My Jane has no need for such petty weaponry," Bingley said, with an expansive wave. "She can kill with kindness."
"Kindness?" Hurst guffawed. "Caroline wouldn't know what hit her."
"I don't think so," Darcy said. "We all know that paper defeats rock, scissors defeat paper, and Miss Bingley defeats kindness."
"Maybe Charles should marry the sister instead," Hurst said. He paused dramatically. "Miss Elizabeth Bennet! Now there is a lady who could put Caroline in her place and not break a sweat."
"What? No!" Darcy put his glass down with too much force and the remainder of his drink spilled on the table. "That is absurd!"
"Why would it be absurd for Charles to marry Miss Elizabeth?" Hurst inquired slyly. "You know you want to."
"What? No!" Bingley said. "Hurst, you're drunk. Darcy and Miss Elizabeth do nothing but argue."
"I know," Hurst said. "But honeybuns, it is not for us to shame people for their preferences. Some people love to fight and make up. I have seen worse things go for flirting in my day."
"Flirting? But Darcy never flirted a day in his life."
"That is why he is not very good at it," Hurst said.
"Excuse me, I can hear you," Darcy said.
"You should have listened to that indomitable aunt of yours, old boy. You need to practice to become proficient, you know."
"But you can't be saying that Darcy was flirting with Miss Elizabeth?" Bingley insisted. His mind was quite blown.
"Why do you think Caroline was so insufferable about her? She was always going on about the uncles in trade and the six inches deep."
"Six inches deep?" Bingley's face went very red.
"In the mud, sweetling," Hurst said. "We are talking about petticoats. Try to keep up, dear."
"I would appreciate if you made no lewd insinuations about her," Darcy said. "She is a gentlewoman of a respectable family, not some sort of a lightskirt."
"Well then, what are you waiting for?" Hurst asked. "You always said you want to marry a gentlewoman of a respectable family."
"They are respectable for now but those youngest girls are a scandal waiting to happen," Darcy said.
"So you whip them up to shape," Hurst said. "Or get that bear of an aunt to do it."
"I can't whip up someone else's children," Darcy said.
"If you took on one of her daughters I bet Mrs. Bennet would let you whip up anything you like," Hurst said.
"Probably true," Darcy admitted. "She was ready to swoon in happiness at the thought of Bingley marrying the eldest."
"Got to be something wrong with her," Hurst decided. "The mother is so keen to be rid of her."
"My Jane is an angel," Bingley stated. "Nothing wrong with that."
"I suppose it's the entailment making Mrs. Bennet so frantic," Darcy said.
"So she wants to rehome her daughters before her husband dies," Bingley said. "You would too, the heir seems like a complete noddy."
"Bad stock, Bing," Hurst said. "What if your children turn out noddies? Maybe you should marry someone from a brainier family, to compensate for your deficiencies."
"I only want Jane," Bingley said. "Jane is an angel."
"Yes, we know," Darcy replied. "Don't start."
"But Darcy, mind, you did solid in Cambridge," Hurst said. "You could probably marry into an entire tribe of noddies and still come up with pretty average children."
"Why are we talking about Darcy marrying?" Bingley asked. "He's not going to accept a regular sort of person, he's going to grow old waiting for some deuced paragon to appear."
"Did you not see him at Netherfield?" Hurst exclaimed. "Always staring at Miss Elizabeth, and he asked her to dance too. He told Caroline he admired Miss Elizabeth's eyes. Caroline has been a beast ever since, going mad with jealousy."
"The last I checked, people can dance without getting married," Darcy said.
"Yes, they can," Hurst said. "But you don't."
"But, but," Bingley sputtered. "Miss Elizabeth does not even like Darcy."
"What?" Darcy said.
"Everybody likes a handsome man with ten thousand per annum," Hurst said.
"Except Miss Elizabeth. She heard you at the assembly, when you refused to be introduced to her," Bingley said. "Got her into quite a snit, Jane says."
"Miss Bennet said Miss Elizabeth was in a snit?" Darcy asked.
"Well, no, Jane said her sister laughed it off but her feelings might have been somewhat ruffled," Bingley amended. "It amounts to the same thing."
"You, my friend, are in the doghouse," Hurst said.
"She promised never to dance with Darcy," Bingley said.
"But we danced at your ball," Darcy said.
"She was forced to abandon her principles or to sit out all night," Hurst said. "Oh, man, you know how to pick them."
"And I think that Wickham fellow might have told her some tall tales about Darcy," Bingley said. "Jane was asking me some odd questions at the ball."
"Yes, Miss Elizabeth mentioned him during our set," Darcy said.
"Well, if he gets swept off her feet by a charming rogue, it would surely save Darcy a lot of trouble," Hurst said. "But dashed awkward for Bingley. Suppose he married his Bennet and the wife's favourite sister hates Bingley's favourite friend? The drawing room would be a cold, fearsome place."
"She hates me?"
"Don't worry, Darcy," Hurst said. "This is just speculation."
"I am sure it's not as bad as that," Bingley said.
"We don't know for sure that she hates you," Hurst said. "She might just be disgusted by you."
"Oh, of all rot," said Darcy.
"On the bright side, Bingley might not marry the sister," Hurst said. "Onwards, brave soldiers, let us go looking for new battlefields."
"Pretty sure you're stuck with Louisa," Bingley said.
"There is that," Hurst said.
"And Darcy couldn't marry Miss Elizabeth if he wanted to," Bingley suddenly remembered. "Her fiance was at the ball."
"What?" Darcy's face was like thunder. "Who?"
"The noddy heir," Bingley said. "He was talking about his future felicity and Lady Catherine De Bourgh's blessing, and Mrs. Bennet was very happy to see her daughter well settled as the next mistress of Longbourn."
"So she'll have a daughter married soon," Hurst said.
"Two if I have anything to say about it," Bingley decided.
"That birdwit!" Darcy said. "I can't believe it."
"Jane is not a birdwit," Bingley said.
"Yes, we know," Hurst said. "She's very clever, and has things."
"I need to go see her tomorrow," Bingley said. "But I don't know where."
"Somewhere in Cheapside," Darcy said.
"Right," Bingley said. "On Stripsearch Street, near Sheephide."
"Miss Bingley would know," Darcy said. "If she and Mrs. Hurst went there."
"I'll go with Caroline then," Bingley said.
"Not sure they would let her in," Hurst said. "Louisa said Caroline gave your angel to understand clearly that she has no use for angels."
"She cut the acquaintance?" Bingley was appalled. "My sisters were rude to Jane?"
"They meant to discourage her from calling again I think," Hurst said. "To spare you from seeing her."
"To spare her from liking me," Bingley said. "Zounds!"
"Should we open another bottle of whine?" Hurst asked.