Chapter 31 - Year 5, part 2
September 5th, 1995
Hermione arrived at the door to ancient runes, with butterflies making some serious trouble in the pit of her stomach. She had been simultaneously looking forward to this class since she arrived at school last week, while also scared out of her pants. It wasn't that she was scared of the class in itself. She loved Ancient Runes! But she knew that unless he refused, she would be sitting next to Draco again. Right, next, to him.
Maybe she would be able to hold his hand again? He hadn't seemed so reluctant yesterday, but then again, they had been in a small corridor with friends in front and behind them. There, it had been contained. Here - even though they were sitting in the back - it would be harder to conceal. and she didn't want to conceal it. She wanted it to be real and she wanted to be able to show it.
She didn't want to hide it.
With Daniel, it hadn't been an issue. But with Draco, it wasn't a luxury they could have.
It was one thing being civil or ignoring each other, but it was something entirely different to want to spend time together. To want to touch one another - even if it was just holding a hand or the grazing of one leg against another during class.
She hated how the fact that they were in two different houses, could hold such an issue for the rest of the world.
They weren't even together, for Merlin's sake! Not really, at least…
But she wanted to, so very much. For almost a year and a half she had wanted to be his, and for him to be hers.
Finally opening the door after her mini breakdown, she saw Draco sitting exactly where he always sat. In his seat, with his back to the door, and at the left side of the table… With space right beside him, for her.
People were casually talking as she closed the door softly behind her. Catching up came in many forms, and she saw both happy smiles, hugs and excited conversations, when she walked to the table, put down her bag and slid into the seat beside him.
Not bothering to take out her things yet, she whispered a 'hi,' and looked shyly up at him, finding him already looking at her. He was studying her so intently it made her want to look away.
But she couldn't.
His eyes went from her eyes, to her nose, cheeks, neck, lips… Back to her eyes. "Hi." His voice sounded a bit squeaky, and he cleared his throat. "Good summer?"
"Yeah, it was alright. You?"
"Not really - didn't have much to do." He answered, and she noted the dryness to his tone. She knew his summer hadn't been that pleasant, to say the least. The adults having their visitors and then the ordeal with Pansy… Hermione had spent way too much time during the summer wondering about where he was and what he was doing. Was he with Pansy at that moment? Was he stuck in his room, alone? Did he hang out with Zabini? They had obviously spent some time together considering their shared fittings at Madam Malkin's.
Hopefully, he wouldn't pick up on his mannerisms. She brushed the thought off quickly knowing damn well that Draco was better than that.
She opened her mouth to tell him that she was sorry about his dreadful summer, but never managed to start the sentence as their professor called the class to order. They were introduced to their individual 'let's see how much you remember from last year'-tests, and everyone dug in, in complete silence.
They were about 30 minutes into the class and she was just finishing up on the 6th question, when she suddenly felt a leg press up against hers. She had been so focused on the problem and equation in front of her, that she had completely zoned out. Because of that, she almost jumped up in surprise.
Luckily, she didn't.
Instead, she simply stilled as her focus slowly went from her paper and to her surrounding world, where she became all too aware of the boy sitting next to her.
She didn't know if it had been an accident that his leg had moved up against hers, or if it was fully intentional… But feeling a little brave as his leg was removed again, she decided to chase after it. Her legs had been crossed and resting on top of a piece of wood that made for the bottom structure of the table, so faking a simple shift in a seating position wasn't entirely untoward. She lifted her legs from her designated foodrest, uncrossed them and leaned her legs ever so slightly towards - and directly against - Draco's leg.
Her heart was beating so fast at the adrenalin rush, because of what she was doing.
She started question 7 as she felt the heat of his body radiating against hers.
As per every other time she had done something even slightly daunting regarding Draco Malfoy, she found herself wondering if he would react to her advance. Of course, her advance had only been a reaction to his advance - but still! Only, this time she didn't have to spend much time over-thinking her life-choices, as his right hand went instantly from where it had been resting on the table to lie softly on top of the skirt covering her left thigh.
Even as she started writing down her chosen equation for question number 7, her left hand went down to rest on top of his, her fingers bedding slowly around his waiting hand that clasped her right back.
She didn't even know how she managed to breathe.
They stayed like that until their class was finished and they had to split up once again - until they would meet again later that night. Hopefully.
…
Food had always been something one just finished. You ate food because your body needed the energy and nutrients, and not necessarily because it was overly pleasant or tasted better than it had done the night before… It was just something you finished so that you could go do other necessary - or more fun - things.
That was Hermione's thoughts as she pushed her food around the plate and nipped a few spoonsfulls, for the third time that day. Her father would have a right fit if he knew what eating-habits she had returned to.
You are exactly as you are supposed to be in every way, and I am so proud of everything that you do, and everything that you are.
That had been his worlds to her almost two years ago after all of the trouble with Viktor started. After William started getting overly protective with her.
She remembered having cried her heart out to her father about her bodily insecurities. About how she could take care of herself.
Trying to do right by her father's kind words, she stuffed a large spoonful of mash and gravy into her mouth and almost gagged.
Looking up at the staff-table as she tried to reign in her nausea, she noticed Dumbledore and Umbridge talking seriously. Maybe he was giving her the talk about how to properly fuck the students over… Or maybe it was the other way around?
She couldn't care any less, as she in pure defiance stuffed another spoonful into her mouth.
She finally resigned herself to the ever-building nausea as she pushed the plate away and cleared her mouth with some water. Water that wasn't dark and grimy like the Black Lake.
Dark spots in her vision, the blazing heat creeping up the back of her neck and sweat beading at her hairline were signs she knew all too well at this point.
"I'll see you later." She croaked to her friends as she quickly stood from the table and hurried from the room - ignoring any and all looks that were sent her way.
As soon as she was out of the warm room, her nausea started subsiding and her ability to breathe slowly returned to her.
She hurried along one torchlit corridor after the other until she climbed staircase after staircase after staircase. They were no match for her wish to arrive at her destination sooner rather than later, and she took most of the stairs two at a time.
I am safe.
They are safe.
We are safe.
It was a mantra that William had revealed to her, was one he used when he was struggling. Apparently, repeating it again and again was something that helped him remember that the ones he loved and cared for, were safe. They were not hanging from a statue ready to be sacrificed, or getting roasted by dragons, or… Or drowning in a lake…
I am safe.
They are safe.
We are safe.
It wasn't working for her, and she felt like she was suffocating. Her world was falling apart even as she tried desperately to hold on and piece it back together, but it was too hard and she couldn't -
She flung the last door open and came face to face with the great, wide, open space of the Astronomy-tower. The wind was whipping her hair around as she dragged multiple deep breaths of cold air into her lungs.
I'm not drowning. She thought to herself as she stumbled forward until her hands could finally grasp the cold railing of the tower. The cool metal was her anchor to the world and she was holding on for dear life.
What's next? Lockhart coming back to finish what he started? Viktor faming his way out of trouble? She thought sourly.
Viktor.
Following the disastrous Triwizard Tournament and the attacks that he had been a part of, he had, of course, been trialed by the international Wizarding commitée. During said trial, of which she had been noticeably absent, he was either declared insane at the time of the attack, or having been under the Imperius curse. Well, both of those things had been acclaimed, but at different times during his stay in England.
Anyone who had been near him that year knew that it was a lie, but the Bulgarians needed their star-seeker back and nothing could apparently stop them from getting their will. In the end, he had ended up with a suspended jail-sentence and a heavy fine, all while staying under a magical probation for two years, where he could not leave beyond the borders of his estate unless accompanied by an auror. But letting the boy keep his wand that he had used to throw unforgivables at her brother? No problem!
Oh, and the therapy! Apparently, he needed loads and loads of therapy after having been under the imperious. Poor lad. Life was just so hard on him.
Letting her anger work against someone that couldn't defend themselves, worked enough for her to finally loosen her deathgrip on the railings. She let go of a couple of heavy breaths before finally stepping away and out of reach of the metal. Instead, she stepped backwards until her back touched the waiting stonepillar, of which she then slid down against, to wait for when Draco would hopefully arrive.
…
Maybe half an hour later, she heard the opening and closing of a door. Then soft footsteps until someone slid down beside her. Without saying a word, he reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling it slowly until it rested between both of his.
It felt nice. Warm. Soft.
"I'm not going to ask you if you're alright - because you obviously aren't." He said in a low voice that sent shivers down her spine. Shivers that she was trying very hard to suppress.
"Yeah. It's…It's not great." She managed, and drew her legs up to her chin. Turning her head she rested her cheek against her knee, and looked at Draco, who was looking right back at her. His face was lit up by the sun that was doing its descent of the day, bathing him in hues of orange, red and yellow. He looked nearly ethereal.
"Do you want to talk about it?" one of his thumbs were doing lazy circles on the top of her hand, and she for once relished in the comfort of warmth keeping her grounded, instead of cold.
She turned to face the sunset. "Not really, but with everything going on - you deserve to know. Also, it's not fair asking Theo or Daphne to tell you instead of me doing it, and it's not fair to you if I couldn't be arsed to do it because of silly, stupid…." Anxiety. She couldn't say it. So instead, she told him everything else that had been left unsaid. She told him about what had happened with Viktor - and what would have happened if someone hadn't come to her rescue. About being forced into the midst of it all, even though she had never wanted to. She told him about William, the cemetery and the following after-effects. 'It's called PTSD.', she recalled with a sigh as she remembered Wills and dad coming home from London one evening, sitting down to tell her and mum about what the doctors had said.
Then she told Draco about the lake… She told him about the prospect of death, of seeing people you loved being dead, of drowning and the ever-present darkness that always crept up on her. Then came the numerous betrayals of Dumbledore. Betrayals of her as an individual, as a student under his care and as a child in need of adult guidance. Of course, she had always been above and beyond grateful for Professor McGonagall, but this was her headmaster. He was supposed to have taken care of her! Yet, he had failed.
"No wonder you react when you're around him. Isn't there anything that can be done?"
She thought about that for a bit as she turned her face back towards the sunset. Was there anything that could be done? Dumbledore hadn't acknowledged why he had been gone or why - or even how - he had come back. He simply was, and she would have to find a way to live with that. But then again, it wasn't like she had asked anyone if they knew or done anything to find the knowledge.
That's why you're not in Ravenclaw. Her brain laughed and pointed an accusatory finger at her.
Probably, yeah.
"I'm not sure. But as long as he leaves me the hell alone, it'll be fine." She said with a hard sigh, "It'll be… Fine."
"Are you sure it'll be 'fine'?" He asked tentatively, as the last rays of the sun hit them, before fading the world into darkness.
She didn't answer him, but simply stared out into the nothingness that seemed to both calm and agitate her. It was like waves.
Cold. Dark. Waves.
Of course it would be fine. It would all be fine.
She could feel the tension building everywhere around her, almost like an elastic band pulled too far for too long. Ready to snap.
She didn't know when he had removed his hand from her thigh, or when she had even let go of it. but she was suddenly so cold. So damn cold despite how hard she was clutching her legs so hard to her chest she was surprised her lungs even had space to expand. Maybe that was the issue?
She scrambled to her feet so suddenly she surprised herself. Gasping for breaths as the darkness of night rolled further and further in over the world. Pacing back and forth.
She couldn't center herself.
I am safe. They are safe. We are safe. I am safe. They are safe. We are safe. I am safe. They are safe. We are safe.
William's mantra was going on endless repeat in her brain as she paced. And paced. And paced.
She felt too cold, too hot, too bothered. She wanted to remove her summer cloak but was afraid she'd freeze to death. But keeping it on felt like dying of heatstroke. Finally stopping, she clutched the railing so hard her knuckle whitened.
I am safe. They are safe. We are safe.
I am safe. They are safe. We are safe.
"I am safe. They are safe. We are safe."
Like they were doing it by themselves, her hands unclutched the railings and heat instantly found them. Her cloak slipped from her shoulders, down her arms and out of her grasp. She didn't know where it went. She didn't care.
She couldn't focus. The world was a blur of colours and she couldn't focus.
Her body turned, as by its own doing, and stepped forward. She was enveloped in heat. Heat, and comfort, and safety and 'You're safe.' It whispered to her, 'I'll take care of you.'.
And she believed it.
She believed it so much that she clung to it, as if it held onto her very last thread of sanity.
She stood like that with her safety line that whispered sweet, blurry, promises of safety to her, until the words started making sense to her. Until the voice became real and the body turned solid and the warmth solidified and the world turned all kinds of shades of Gray that she loved and adored.
She didn't dare let go or lift her head from his shoulder, as the anxiety gave way for mortification. Oh, my, God.
"I'm so sorry you had to see that." She whispered, glad that he couldn't see her face right now. Soon enough he would step away, itch the back of his neck awkwardly and then find an excuse to leave.
He must be just as embarrassed as her. Or worse.
She should have known that he wasn't like anyone else.
His arms tightened around her shoulders, holding her even closer to his chest. Was that his heart that was beating so hard, or was it hears?
She wasn't sure.
"I'm not going to lie. You looked like you were going to jump and I'm too self-preserving to let you, now that I've finally gotten you."
Jump.
Finally gotten you.
Jump.
Her head lifted from his chest, looking out at the railing a mere meter from them - then back to him. "What?"
He looked at her, all serious, like what he said made perfect sense. But… He looked so worried. So scared. Why would he be scared?
"I'm a Slytherin, Hermione. I do whatever it takes to keep what's mine, safe, and once I have that I can't just let it go. That goes for people as well, in case you hadn't noticed. It's been so long and I've hardly talked to you, and I missed-"
He was ranting, but she couldn't focus on that right now, because that wasn't what was important at this particular moment. "Wait, hold up. We'll get back to that - I promise!" She said as she stepped out of his embrace and held up her hands to stop him from continuing, before they went up to clutch at her hair in shock. It was all over the place. Everything was all over the place. "You thought I was going to jump? Quite literally, jump?"
The look he gave her was one of such confusion that she didn't immediately know what to make of it.
"Well… Yeah." He looked so scared and confused all in one… She didn't want to ever see that expression on his face again. Ever.
"Draco, I…" She sighed hard, stepped forward again and carefully slipped her hands into his. There was neither resistance nor hesitation from Draco, only warmth. "I'm really, really, bad at darkness… And water… Combined?" She shook her head to rid herself of the image, and took a couple of deep breaths while anchoring herself to Draco. Again. "It's not good, and... Being back here isn't helping me right now. It hasn't for a few days."
"I've noticed." He said in a low voice and it was enough to bring her eyes back to his face, instead of the hyperfocus she had been keeping on the linked hands. How much had he noticed?
"Please, tell me how I can help you." He begged into the air between them. The whisper of his voice flowing between them like a promise shouted to the world. "Please."
"You already are. Simply by being here - with me." She said, shyly,
"It's that simple?" He asked in a whisper, tracing her hand with his thumb. It sent small shivers down her spine, but did he know? Could he possibly know what he was doing to her?
"That simple." She whispered back, and dared to glance up at him. She found his Gray eyes staring at her so intently it almost took her breath away. "Also, you're kind of distracting."
"Distracting, huh? How am I distracting?" His voice was so low and so gruff she wondered how she could even hear what he was saying.
"Your eyes. I've been staring at them for so long… They're so close. So beautiful." She didn't bother to feel embarrassed by the colour that tainted her chooks by the admission, nor did she feel smug about the pink tainting his. She felt love.
She felt loved.
"How long?" He whispered into the air between them, choking on his words as he lifted his hand to caress her jaw. As his other hand went behind her to grab her by the waist, she found herself wondering when they had gotten so close. She hadn't moved… Had she?
The cold air in the Astronomy Tower was whipping her hair around as she drew her hands around his waist, grabbing at his dress shirt. When had she wound up under his cloak?
Also, when had he gotten so damn fit? She was certain she could pin-point every damn muscle in his entire lower back without even looking. Closing her eyes, her head pulled back the tiniest bit as she took in the feel of him. And, oh Merlin, the smell of him.
He was perfect.
"How long… have you been staring at my eyes?" He repeated, and she found herself completely dumbstruck by the fact that she had been so focused on his body that she hadn't even thought to answer him. Her eyes fluttered open, to look directly into his as she choked; "Years."
She didn't know what she had expected her first kiss to be like… Maybe sweet, chaste or short?
As she felt him simultaneously drag her by the neck closer to him, and crash his lips against hers, she recognised that this was when she finally lost her mind.
Kissing Draco was like fire and ice. Like darkness and light. Like heaven and hell.
It was holding him as close as she possibly could, while dragging in gulps of air between nips and kisses. It was deep and hungry. It was memorizing every part of his mouth and lips. Sucking and biting.
It was like she had never breathed before this moment. Like she had never really lived.
It could have been hours. It could have been days, for all she cared. But when their lips parted to finally fully breathe, it was like she knew that this was what she had been waiting for her entire life.
She had simply been waiting, for him.
For Draco.
For her Draco.
"I love you, Draco." She breathed, face flushed from joy, and eyes glistening with emotion. "So much."
"I love you too, Hermione." He whispered for her ears only, and kissed her so lightly it was like she had been dreaming all along.