The white was so bright ah could hardly open mah eyes. The windows were open, lettin' the noon day sun hit the whitewashed walls like a train. Mah head was poundin', and after one quick look ah squinted mah eyes tight against the day. Ah opened mah mouth ta speak but found mah throat was drier than Arizona in July and mah tongue was swollen inside.
Where am ah? What's goin on?
Ah had some kinda nightmare dancin' on the edge of mah memory, but every time ah tried to grab an image out of the jumble it drifted away like ashes in water. So ah just laid still and took deep breaths.
After a while ah tried opening mah eyes again, this time more slowly. The light still stung, but a few seconds allowed me to look around the room.
Ah heard a gasp. "Rogue??"
Rogue? Rogue. That name. Mah name. Ah was so confused. All mah thoughts were a mess. Ah couldn't get them in order, what with bein' so tired.
Ah turned mah head, and ah saw a face. It was a girl; a pretty, young girl. What was this girl to me? Why did ah feel such a sense of dread at such a sweet, open face?
"Oh my god you're awake! Oh Rogue say something!"
"Kitty." Yeah, that was it, Kitty. Where did ah know her from?
"Listen, I know you, like, just woke up but I'm really glad that I'm here with you. I need to say something to you and I was afraid I wouldn't get to but now you're awake so I can. Rogue I'm so sorry. For everything. I know I made it really hard on you coming here, and, like, I didn't even think about it. Sometimes I don't think about things. It's like I just start feeling angry or sad and I can't do anything else. Do you understand what I mean?"
No. Maybe. Kinda. Ah was too tired to wrap mah brain around a girl that talks so fast.
"Can ah have some water?"
"Oh! Oh sure! One second!" Kitty scuttled off.
Slowly ah started really wakin' up, but even though ah was feelin' conscious ah was still a little confused. Ah propped mahself up in the bed and tried stretchin' mah arms, get some blood pumpin. Dang. Felt like mah whole body was sore.
Kitty came back with the water.
"Here, I put some ice in it."
"Thanks, sugah." Ah still hadn't quite figured out if this girl was mah friend or not, but ah'd have just about kissed anybody who brought me that first glass of water. The cold was refreshing and the water soothed mah throat. Ah closed mah eyes and took a few large gulps, then put the glass to mah forehead.
When ah opened mah eyes, ah remembered a little bit. Kitty wasn't mah friend at all. She didn't even like me a little.
"Why are ya bein' so nice ta me, Kitty?"
"That's what I've been trying to explain. See, Rogue, it was Colossus…"
"Colossus?" Another semi-familiar name. Oh yeah, big guy. Ah remembered him.
"Yes…look I know its stupid, but I really like Piotr. I know he doesn't like me that way, he probably does even notice, but…I'm kinda protective of him. I mean I know he's a big guy and he can take care of himself, but sometimes he just doesn't have a clue, y'know? Like he's this little kid with big blue eyes trapped in a huge metal body."
"Men typically know little more than they're told." Ah shook mah head. That voice wasn't even mah accent. Kitty didn't seem to notice.
"Yeah well…almost nothing ever hurts him really. I mean he is Colossus and all…but when you were with the Brotherhood…you hurt him. He'd never so much as taken a scratch before, and he came back pale and unconscious. We were all confused, trying to figure out what you had done and how we could help him. I never saw him like that before, and it scared me. So when the Professor just welcomed you in with open arms I didn't even give you a chance. I was so mad at you, and I wasn't going to give you another chance to hurt Piotr. And I never really thought about what things must be like for you, not being able to touch people, having your family throw you out and stuff."
She sort of blushed at me, not sure if she was overstepping a boundary. Touch. What about touch? Something important.
"Well at least I didn't think about it until now. But Rogue, what you did to save the Professor and Beast and everybody…that was amazing. Who could have doubts about you now? I mean I think Gambit thought you were going to die. I don't know if I could have done it, y'know? I really don't. And you've been asleep for all these weeks and god…your face when you got here. I never saw anything like it. But you're ok now and you're back. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I understand if you're still mad. I was really mean and hurtful to you, but I just hope that maybe we can start fresh. I'd like a chance to prove that I can be a really good friend too."
"Thanks foah yoah apology. Ah appreciate it. We can talk about all this a little later, but honestly Kitty right now ah'm havin' a little trouble thinkin' straight."
"Oh sure sure. Relax, rest, I'll leave you alone for a while." Kitty jumped up to go. Why she had to do everything in hyperspeed ah just don't understand. But Gambit…that name was ringing some chimes. The pieces were startin' ta fall into place foah me. Sinister had me strapped to a table. People kept grabbin' me.
"Kitty?"
"Yeah?"
"Could you ask Gambit to come see me when he has a minute?"
"Oh…well Gambit left a couple days ago."
"What?" Ah couldn't quite keep the surprise out of mah voice.
"Yeah. He told the Professor he had something that he had to take care of by himself and he just left."
"When's he comin' back?"
"Nobody knows. He didn't say if he was coming back or not." With that she shrugged, turned and left.
Ah don't know what reaction ah shoulda had to that news. Maybe ah shoulda been disappointed, sad. Maybe ah shoulda just been surprised and not cared either way. Instead, ah felt wrath borderin' on rage. A swell of anger came up tight in mah stomach and made a hard knot that ah couldn' swallow. Mah hands were shakin, the works. Even ah didn't understand why ah was so mad, so ah just laid down and closed mah eyes. Eventually ah must've fallen back to sleep.
Gambit was gone for eight months. EIGHT MONTHS. Not a word. Frankly, ah gave up on him.
A lot happened in those eight months. Ah graduated high school and turned 20. Between becomin' a mutant, the Brotherhood, and the X-men, ah was a little behind in mah schoolwork even though mah grades were always good. So what?
Ah stopped bein' such an outcast. After mah stunt with Sinister, it was like all the problems were magically gone. Jub'lee started treatin' me like her own personal hero, Kitty stayed true to her word, moved me inta her room, and ah could hardly be separated from her. Bobby remained mah friend just like he always did, but he seemed more relaxed, like he wasn't worried about bein' seen with me anymore. I was finally being treated like a real X-woman by the rest of the team. Mostly anyway.
No one knew what to expect from me after what happened. Everyone was nicer now, but it was almost like they were looking at me in a glass box, like one of those bugs on display. Ah didn't much care foah it.
Logan came back about two weeks after ah woke up, and won back a load of brownie points when he didn't react to the Sinister story. The Professor, Jean, Scott, and even Nightcrawler were sort of handling me with kit gloves, but Logan just listened, called Scott an idiot, and then shrugged it off. Logan doesn't waste energy. Clearly ah was fine now, so why should he work himself up? It was exactly what ah was hopin' foah. Somebody to treat me like a regular person again.
But anything that looks rosy on the outside is usually festering underneath. They weren't altogether wrong about me being a little fragile, much as ah hate ta admit it. Mah mind was a wreck. It took me weeks to be able to get some sort of handle on how much of the stuff in mah head was me and how much was everyone else.
Ah started havin' serious trouble sleepin'. Ah'd doze off just fine, but ah could never stay asleep foah long. One night in particular, ah woke up and came downstairs to the main hall. Without thinkin' about it, ah sat down at the piano to kill some time. Logan came in behind me, back from a late night out.
"Didn't know ya played, darlin'. Where'd ya learn?"
Ah stopped. Ah looked down at mah hands, and ah almost didn't even recognize 'em.
"Ah don't. Ah never learned." It was Gorgeous George that played the piano. His momma made him take lessons until he was 14.
Ah got up and left the room. Logan didn't say anything, and he didn't follow. Good, I didn't want him to. He's pretty good at pickin' up on things like that. I went back upstairs, angry and upset, and remembered that there was a bottle of whiskey in the library cabinet. I went and poured mahself a shot, and tossed it back, ready for the soothing calm that would make mah mind rest a little easier. Instead, mah throat lit on fire and ah started chokin'. Why? Cause ah don't drink. Ruckus drinks, particularly when he's upset. Ah grabbed the glass and threw it as hard as ah could. Unfortunately Carol Danvers has quite a throw, and ah punched a hole through the wall. Somebody screamed on the other side.
This is the kind of thing ah was dealin' with. Some days were worse than others. It wasn't just things ah would do, but things ah would think and say and remember.
Logan ran in behind me.
"Rogue?"
"Take me outta here Logan."
"Come on."
Ah was wearing mah pajamas, but ah didn't care. We went outside and over to the motorcycle.
"Give me the keys. Ah'm drivin'."
"You sure that's a great idea?"
"Mais oui." Dammit! The Cajun was leaking. Ah snatched the keys and we jumped on the bike.
Ah can't even count how many road laws ah must've broken. Ah just wanted to go fast. Sometimes that's what you need to get somethin' out of yoah system. So we went fast, and we went off road, and we rode through a rain storm, just kept going, didn't talk. A few hours later we pulled back in, covered in dust and mud, but ah had calmed down.
"Ah'm gonna go take a shower."
"Rogue…"
"What Logan?"
"You know if you ask me for somethin', anythin', I'll try my best to get it to ya. If ya need to talk, I'll listen to ya. I'm not good at it but I'll try. If you need to drive the heck outta my bike a few nights a week, that's fine too. I can't understand a lot of what seems to be happenin' to ya, darlin', but I understand bein' mad. I don't want you to feel like that forever."
"Ah can handle it."
"Did I say ya couldn't? I just said I didn't want ya to."
"Ah wish ah could talk to you about it, all right? Ah wish ah knew why ah was so mad. Ah just don't know what to say. Yoah no good at listenin' and ah'm no good at talkin'."
"A perfect pair."
Pair. That stupid word just made me think of poker. No, it just made Gambit think of poker. But his thoughts were buried somewhere in mine. Ah clenched mah fists, so mad ah could scream.
"Ah'm mad at Sinister. Ah'm mad at Vertigo, Ramrod, all of them. They raped mah mind! And ah don't know if it can ever be undone. How am ah supposed to cope with that? Livin' every day with people ah hate?"
"Same way I live in the same house with ol' one-eye-eagle-scout."
Ah chuckled. Ah couldn't help it. Logan's humor suits me. His sharp eyes were still watchin' me though.
"Ah'm mad at Gambit."
"Fer touchin ya?"
"No. Maybe. Ah don't know. Ah could just kill him foah some reason and ah don't know exactly why it is. Ah'm even more mad at him than Sinister ah think."
"Did he try something I don't know about?"
"No Logan, it's not like that. Ah just don't know. Ah'm so confused about everything. Ah'd like to say ah just want things to get back to normal, but ah hated that too when ah think about it."
"I have to admit darlin' this ain't makin' much sense to me."
"Ah know. Doesn't make sense to me either. But ah'm tired now. Ah'm gonna go to bed."
"Go ahead. Just you keep that offer in mind. You need somethin', you tell me."
"Thanks Logan. But mostly you not treating me like a crazy person is makin' mah day."
Ah was going to therapy with the Professor and Jean. It helped sometimes, but it wasn't like magic. They kept tellin' me to give it some time. Sure enough, as time went by the attacks became less frequent. Turns out the more often ah thought about the people in mah head, the more often they came ta life. So ah had to learn ways of distractin' mahself until the influences had worn off a little more. This was all easier said than done, of course. Not to mention ah really don't like having telepaths poking around mah head. Both Jean and the Prof complained that there were places ah had sealed off, maybe even ta mahself, as though navigating mah mind while there were about a dozen other trains of thought in there wasn't tough enough.
The Professor had apparently learned a good chunk more about mah powers from the whole experience. Ah guess that was supposed to be some kinda silver lining. He hinted at having big plans foah me once ah'd made a full recovery. He also stressed how important it was foah me to eventually confront Carol and barter some kind of peace. Where all the other personalities eventually fade into shadows, Carol's practically glows. She remained a threat, and each time she escaped the astral trap the professor placed her in, she grew in strength. Ah wasn't ready foah it, and ah had mah doubts that peace with Carol was even possible. So the Professor left it alone and we focused on getting me back ta normal, though that task wasn't much easier.
Ah took to the danger room an awful lot more than ah used to. It was a way to blow off steam, and one of the few ways ah could really get mah mind clear foah even a few minutes. Ah guess my mental stow-aways realized that if this body blew up we all go down with it, so they tended to shut up and let me work.
Hank, danger room technician extraordinaire, was actually pleased with how often ah managed to break the dang thing. He loves an excuse to upgrade. Ah love an excuse to break something. And the dark truth is, ah think his constant references to books no one's ever read are quite endearing.
But one thing Hank hates is a back seat technician.
"Hank, dangit, turn it up. This is too easy foah me! I told ya already it was easy as pie, now you've apparently set it foah cheesecake instead. Gimme the meat already!"
"Jibe me all you like, Rogue, your vital signs tell a completely different story. I thought you may actually wish to complete an objective before obliterating the danger room this morning."
"Ah'm tellin' ya to set it higher. Ah already fought these robots, ah can take 'em two hits apiece. Ah'm supposed to be learnin something. Gimme a challenge."
"Rogue, both you and the danger room have limitations."
"Thought you just upgraded it. Still feels pretty stale."
Ah thought he might choke. Ah saw his hands jump to the dials, which was just what ah was aiming foah.
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls." He warned.
The warehouse scenario faded out abruptly, leaving just the grey metals walls of the danger room with lights somewhere overhead. It was only a few seconds before the room melted away, and ah was left standing on a rooftop, the lights of a city twinkling somewhere below.
Ah felt the hair bristle on the back on mah neck and ah spun around just in time to see Sabretooth leaping towards me befoah he pummeled me to the floor. That's more like it. Ah lifted mah knees with enough force to lift him off me and send him up over mah head. Ah had just found mah feet and turned ta face him when a long, green tongue wrapped itself around mah wrist, yankin me back around. Toad's powers have always made me a little squeamish. Once ah'd got mah balance back, ah dug mah heels in and yanked as hard as ah could, and Toad went sprawling through the air, just surprised enough to let my hand go.
Ah heard Sabretooth roaring up behind me and ah ducked his clutches, managing to trip him up at the same time. Toad's tongue swung back out and ah managed to side step and catch it, swinging the little green guy down onto Sabretooth's chest. Ah had half a second to wonder what it felt like to be swung around by the tongue befoah something zipped by me, popping me in the chin. Ah recognized Quicksilver's signature breeze. He zipped back and forth, taking small jabs, but while Quicksilver can move at jet speed, one thing he can't do is fly. So ah lifted up out of his reach, and yanked up one of the pole lights on the roof. Once mah eyes had gotten the pattern of the blur zipping around, ah timed mah swing and managed to clothesline him. He stopped running and hit the ground, choking but now visible.
"Hi there handsome." Ah thought, satisfied. Unfortunately that was the moment the battle decided to turn against me. A cold slime hit mah face, completely blinding me. Ah started scraping at the stuff instinctively, but it's a real pain to get Toad's spit off. In the time that took, ah felt his tongue grab mah ankle, pulling me back down to the roof. Ah pulled back as hard as ah could, but apparently ah'd gotten down just low enough to be within reach of the hulking Sabretooth, who pulled me down and started raking me over with those claws of his. Quicksilver started runnin' up a vortex around us, sucking the air away. Turns out Sabretooth can hold his breath a little longer than ah can.
Ah mustered all the air ah had left. "Turn it off!" A moment later everything vanished back to the grey metal walls. Mah suit had taken quite a beating, though it was nothing compared to mah pride. Ah hate losing.
Ah stormed out towards the locker room, ignoring Hank's inquiries. Ah knew it was childish, but ah couldn't help it. But ah guess me getting so upset created an opportune moment foah the lurkers. Ah went to open the combination lock so ah could change back into mah everyday clothes, and it froze solid. Yeah, ah absorbed Bobby Drake back in mah Brotherhood days. Ah got quite a few X-men logged away someplace. Mah first instinct was to break something, but ah decided to heed the professor's advice instead. Ah sat down on one of the locker room benches and took deep breaths. Ah tried to think of one simple thing, one thing to focus on, drown everything else out. Ah chose an apple. It was the first thing that leapt to mind. Ah tried bringing into focus every detail about it, drowning out any other thoughts or feelings. And then to compromise, ah mentally smashed the apple, and then started to focus on every details of the abused fruit, broken skin and gushing juice.
"Rogue are you all right?"
Slowly, carefully, ah opened mah eyes.
"Yeah Hank. Ah'm ok. Ah'm sorry but ah think ah broke one of the locks."
Hank started to smile. "Not one of my very expensive wal-mart issue combination locks? That was irreplaceable! Why couldn't you have just smashed the multi-million dollar danger room?"
Ah couldn't help but smile back. But when Hank actually looked at the lock, his smile turned into a perplexed frown.
"Hasn't it gotten any better?"
"Any better than what is the question. Ah guess it's better than it was, but this kinda stuff still crops up. Ah'm startin to think it'll never go away."
Hank came and sat beside me. Ah braced mahself for some kinda "have faith in the professor" type speech.
"You know Rogue, telepathy is not among my talents, and I certainly will not pretend to identify with your personal experiences, but every now and again I find that I myself get a little lost in this mutant business."
Ah raised an eyebrow at him, beckoning him to continue.
"You see, our lives here revolve so much around our mutations. Being an X-man requires us to train and utilize our mutant abilities for the good of others and ourselves, to be aware of mutant/human relations, advocate mutant rights, and ultimately represent the best potential of mutant-kind. Being teachers at the institute has us constantly referring to and sharing our dilemmas specifically as they relate to being a mutant. At times, I find myself forgetting that being a mutant is merely one thread of my life, rather than its entire fabric. Do you follow?"
"So you're saying ah should spend less time being a mutant?"
"Not in so much a literal sense, but yes. There are many mutants in the world, and I am certainly one of them. However, the world's scientists are not so numerous, nor scholars of literary classics. My interests, my personal passions, these are what make me, essentially, me. Not to oversimplify, but my understanding is that you're in need of some 'you' time. So why don't you spend some quality time with yourself? Develop your own interests and skills apart from being an X-woman. Stop busting up my danger room so often. You've nearly maxed out the school's annual budget for danger room repair."
"You know what Hank? Yoah pretty smart."
"I shall take that glowing endorsement as a sign that I have been at least marginally helpful."
He gave me one last reassuring smile befoah he rose to leave. But ah couldn't resist.
"Hank?"
"Yes?"
"If ah ever get mah powers under control…could ah pet ya? Ah've always wanted to know what that fur of yoahs feels like."
Hank started sputtering and ah started laughing.
"You can sleep on it if you want to sugah."
Hank "harrumphed" and left the room, and ah when ah stopped giggling ah realized he had a point. Now to remember what in the heck mah interests were. It really had been an awful long time since ah'd thought about things like hobbies.
Ah took his advice, and ah started spending more time away from the mansion. If ah couldn't remember what mah hobbies were, maybe ah'd find some new ones.
At the end of eight months, ah looked and felt different. Between bein' unhappy and the danger room, I lost a lot of weight. Maybe even a little too much weight, but ah wasn't concerned with it. Ah cut mah hair shorter to keep it out of mah way, and started collectin' wigs. Mystique gets antsy when she has to keep one form for long, which made it difficult to keep her quiet in mah head when ah couldn't shapeshift. That, and ah didn't want people lookin' at me funny foah mah stripes when ah left the mansion. Ah hate dying mah hair, so wigs it was. Ah make a great redhead. Black doesn't look too bad on me either.
Mah wardrobe changed from sweats to more appealing attire. Ah retired the sweats, sweaters, and baggy clothes foah layers of actual women's clothing where you could see mah figure underneath. Ah also started wearin' makeup. Maybe ah was growin' up, or maybe ah was responding to Vertigo's vanity. Hard to say, but ah was pickin' mah battles. It had been less than a year, but ah had several different lifetimes floatin' around in mah head, makin me feel older than ah was.
Eight months of quiet is more than any X-man deserves, and fate remembered me at last. Ah had gone out foah a walk. When ah say "walk" ah mean "fly". The night air was clear and clean, and ah liked watchin' mah breath frost in the cold air. Ah'm a southern girl, the whole concept of winter is interestin' ta me. The wonderful thing about the night sky in winter is how clear the stars are. If you stand outside on a clear night and look straight up, you almost get dizzy from the panorama. If yoah lucky enough to be able to fly, you can have a blanket of stars above ya, and a blanket of city lights below. If you spin fast enough it's like being inside a kaleidoscope. This particular night was late November, and many of the city streets already had their Christmas lights up, adding to the illusion that the world was made of glass.
Ah was hopin' to wear mahself out enough that ah could actually sleep through a whole night. Once ah'd had enough wind and cold, ah crept back in through mah window. The Professor had gotten a little leery of me wanderin' by mahself all the time, so ah just did it less conspicuously. Ah pulled the window shut behind me as quietly as ah could, so as not to wake Kitty, befoah plopping down on mah bed. But when mah head hit the pillow, it made a strange crinkling sound. Ah sat back up and looked underneath, where ah found a blank white envelope.
Ah poked mah head out into the hall, but there was no one to be seen, so ah closed the door and went to see what it could be.
When ah opened it two things fell out: a piece of paper of paper that said "come alone" above some numbers that looked like coordinates, and a playing card…king of hearts.
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