Disclaimer: sorry I took a few extra days to post this when we're at such a pivotal point in the story, but to compensate this chapter is about double the length of the usuals Unfortunately this was the hardest and least enjoyable chapter that I've written thus far, but it's very important. I'm really anxious to hear what you guys think, but I'm sort of dreading that you'll hate it. Just a warning – there is some graphic stuff in this chapter. I tried not to go overboard, but there are some blows that you can't soften. Be prepared. Thank you all again for your continued patience and reading. .
Shandy – hey chica! I missed hearing from you! I know it's my own fault for taking for dang ever, but I'm so glad to hear you're back! And yes, these chapters have been incredibly stressful for me to write. These scenes have been in my heard for years, and finally putting them on paper makes them…seem more real somehow. The next little bit is going to be a little less light-hearted, but I'm hoping what I have in mind for the ending will make up for it. Thanks for reading, it's always a pleasure!
Red Skippy – You are so sweet to me! Thank you for such a glowing review. I'm glad I'm not the only one who got a little emotional over that one. Is it completely lame that I got teary-eyed writing it? Probably, but hey…I'm glad you're enjoying this story, and I hope it turns out to be everything you hoped for by the end. It's a tall order!
Bologna 121 – Wow…your review made me blush! I'm glad you're so into the story, and that you enjoyed the chapter so much! Favorite's of all time?? Man! I just…thank you for that. I'm really glad I could write something you thought so highly of. I'll see if I can top it by the end. Thank you so much for your continuous reviews, it really does encourage me tremendously.
Starlight2twilight – lol! Thank you for review! I'm glad to see you've joined in! I wish I had a finished story for you, but one of these days. We're winding slowly in that direction, anyhow. And thanks for the quote! I'm always pleasantly surprised by what parts people really like…I'm glad I'm funny to someone other than me! Thanks for reading!
Crack4sure – you're back! Hooray! I know my long and painful hiatus was discouraging, but I'm glad to see you're still around. Yep, so much for the secret romance. They've got bigger fish to fry these days. We'll see how everyone responds, but some other issues to handle first…thanks for reading!
BlimeytheToad – Blimey!!! Better late than never, right? Lol! Thank you so much for your review! You've read this whole thing three times?? My hat is off to you. Holy mess. This thing is huge! I'm glad you enjoy enough to revisit! I promise one of these days you'll get the whole picture. I'm glad you're into the mega-fic, because this is looking like at least another ten chapters, and it'll take me a while to get everything in my head down on paper. Your patience will be one of my best allies! Lol! And the Antarctica-Death bull honky ruined my life. I am desperately trying to redeem everyone involved with this story, and I hope its successful. I wish Marvel would get back on the Romy bandwagon. Thank you so much for your generous review, and for reading! I hope I'll hear from you in the future! PS- my muse is b eating the hell out of me just at present.
Part 26: Made and Broken
The darkness came and went. We didn't speak or sleep. Ah refused to let mahself think. Ah know mah mind well enough to know how obsessively ah would scour his words foah the cracks. Ah knew how the doubts would descend, how the stone wall would try to crush back down on me and pull him away.
Ah knew that ah would eventually have to deal with all that, but ah refused to do it now. Every part of me thrilled with the exhilaration of him acknowledging that he loved me. Every part of me felt impossibly exposed. Ah had never felt so close, so raw with anyone. Ah didn't want it to go away. After his near escape, ah felt like it was too fragile to stand up to the war ahead.
Ah would hold everythin' else back as long as ah could. Stupid and irrational with nerves, ah vainly hoped ah had enough strength to hold it back forever, to keep us locked in this wordless moment indefinitely.
His eyes searched mah face ceaselessly, hungrily. As the sky outside turned from an inky purple to the pale grey of dawn ah began to feel his tension increase. He didn't move or speak but he began to look more and more like a statue, and his eyes moved faster and faster over me.
The sunrise felt like an enemy approaching. Once light broke, we would have to face everything: what we had become, what Remy's secrets were, Antarctica, the endless questions. Ah had no hope that mah display last night would have been overlooked, or undiscussed. It was almost funny, that seemed almost irrelevant today. Whatever had been forged between us last night, fragile as it might be, was real and tangible. We had ceased to be two independent people reaching towards some middle ground: we were one entity now. Ah had no interest whatsoever in hiding it, and ah didn't think ah had the ability anyway.
The increasing light of the approaching dawn was making it harder to keep out the thoughts ah didn't want to have. One theme was painfully clear and undeniable: ah was insecure. Normally ah would try to deny or suppress such information, but today ah simply accepted the fact. Probably because ah was unwilling to suppress the behavior that accompanied it.
He loved me, but if ah had been able to (and ah truly believed that ah was unable to at the time) contain mahself last night…would he still be here right now? Would he really have left foah good, or maybe thought about it when he was calmer and returned to me? Ah couldn't know. Ah believed he loved me: ah felt it there between us, but his love made me no promises.
Somethin' was horribly wrong, and he couldn't or wouldn't tell me what it was. Ah would find out today regardless of his wishes or mine. All ah knew was that it was somethin' he didn't have the strength to face, and ah had to prepare to have enough strength foah both of us. Most of the time mah strength is the one thing that ah can trust not to falter…today it seemed less reliable. Ah would find a way. Ah couldn't risk the potential consequences of failure.
Ah would not leave him alone foah a single second. Ah focused on the only motivation that was acceptable, that ah could admit to: he needed me. Much as ah refused to dwell on it, ah knew there was another…ah didn't know if ah could trust him. No matter which way you looked at it, he'd spent half of last night lying to me. The desperation in his face had been plain: he wanted to leave. He said he wouldn't, but still…
It was a strange sensation…mah insecurities, reservations and fears kept stacking up, as they always did. There was a larger pile there than ah wanted to acknowledge, and yet foah once they didn't seem to put one shred of distance between us. They all seemed like conditions of our closeness, rather than barriers to it. They fell all around us, but not between.
Ah kept waiting foah the panic to set in, to feel utterly absurd foah telling him ah loved him, foah crying the way ah had. Ah waited foah my pride and survival instinct to demand that ah push him away, lock him in a box and never let him out. It didn't happen.
Ah pondered over this, still watchin' his perfect face. Ah traced the line of his jaw, the curve of his lips, the rise of his cheeks, and wandered mah way back into his depthless eyes.
How could anyone resist lookin' into his eyes, much less be averse to the idea? The weight of his gaze seemed like somethin' vital to me, like taking a breath after being underwater too long.
Maybe that was the answer. He was no longer a threat to mah survival, he was necessary to it. Maybe that was an unhealthy way to look at it, but that didn't make it untrue. He was part of me now, whether or not ah agreed to it.
The thought brought me some measure of relief. It meant that all mah defenses weren't gone, mah wall wasn't fallen: he was just inside it. We were in here together now, and ah could protect him the same way ah had always protected mahself.
Ah felt infinitesimally stronger. Whatever came foah us today, ah wouldn't let it touch him any more than ah would let it touch me.
The first rays of sunlight broke in through the window. He inhaled sharply, but didn't move. Ah touched mah fingertips to his face, tracin' its outline gently. There was no effort to make the touch feel natural, no struggle to fight off the anxiety. Ah guess everythin' really was different today.
"Are you awake?" he asked me.
The answer was obvious. Ah had never closed mah eyes. Ah smiled gently in response. He smiled back and the movement seemed strange, like his mouth was struggling to move stone.
"Do you want to tell me?" Mah voice was unhopeful, and rightly so. He shook his head no.
"You'll find out, either way. I don' wan' to be de one."
"Why?" There was no rebuke in mah reply, just curiosity. "Don't you think it would be better foah you to plead yoah own case?"
His eyebrows knit together. "Not if I have no defense."
Ah considered his answer foah a moment. "Well…its like you say, ah'll find out one way or the other. But yoah not defenseless, Rem. Ah don't know what to expect, but if anyone wants you, they have to get through me."
He closed his eyes, his brows knit tighter together. "I don' deserve dat."
"Doesn't matter."
"You don' undah stand yet. Shouldn' you wait til you know what battle yo' trying to fight fo' me?"
Ah leveled mah gaze. "It doesn't matter. It is what it is. You can't undo whatever it is than you've done, ah can't undo the way ah feel about you. Whatever you have to face, we'll face it together, or ah'll face it foah you."
He looked at mah face hard, it was clear he wanted to find a way to talk me out of it, but he found no crack there to exploit. He sighed, and pulled a strand of silver away from mah face, bringing it gently to his lips.
Ah wished…god how ah wished ah could close that distance between us. Ah wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to drive him crazy until he couldn't remember whatever it was that caused the shadows under his eyes, until he couldn't think of anythin' but me, and believe that ah could take whatever was comin'. It was a hard impulse to resist, like water tryin' to resist a drain…everythin' about his presence drew me in.
Ah closed mah eyes foah a moment, tryin' to regain control. To mah surprise, the curse took over: ah smiled because ah was thinkin' about somethin' ah shouldn't.
When ah opened mah eyes, he was smiling down at me quizzically, and his smile was more real this time. "What was dat you jus' hid from me?"
"Nothin' you need to worry about."
His smile deepened, crinklin' his dimples in that special way that made mah breath catch. He was perfect, like God had let me make a checklist of everythin' ah had ever wanted befoah he created Remy Lebeau, and then threw in several bonuses.
Ah had had one-hundred-percent confidence in the fact that love, any love, much less one like this, could never be part of mah existence. Ah had accepted it, fair or no. There was no way to deserve the way ah felt right now.
The fact that a man really loved me in that special way was a miracle in and of itself. The reality that it was exactly the man ah loved back was unspeakably precious. And finally, it was Remy.
In the same moment that mah elation flared to the point ah thought mah chest would burst, ah found mah strength. This connection was worse than a one-in-a-million shot, the odds were non-existent: there was nothing anyone could have done to force this. It was fate, it was meant to be. Maybe it was cheesy, but there was just no other explanation.
This day was goin' to try and take it away from us. The answer was no.
"It kills me sometimes, not knowing what's going on inside dat head." He frowned, perplexed. Ah had been unaware of what mah face was doin' while ah got lost in mah inner dialogue.
Ah smiled at him. "Ah'm thinkin' that there's no reason in the world foah you to worry."
His frown pulled down harder. "I wish I could believe you."
"Me too. But foah now, you'll just have to know that ah believe it. Don't you see? Ah love you. That's the most impossible thing that could have happened. There's no way anythin' more impressive can exist."
He sat up, his frown deepening even more as his brow tensed, and ah sat up with him. His eyes flickered away from mah face foah the first time, and his fingers traced the pattern on mah blanket.
"You don' have to say dat, you know."
Ah cocked mah head to the side, confused. "What?"
He took a deep breath, keepin' his eyes carefully concealed. It frustrated me: ah wanted them back. "Dat you love me. You don' have to say dat."
Foah the first time this mornin', a feelin' came that ah might have expected…a little embarrassed. Ah twisted mah fingers. "Does it bother you?"
"Non. Jus'…it won' change my mind if you don'. I still won' leave. De feelings I have fo' you, I can' ignore dem anymore."
Mah jaw dropped as realization set in. "Remy Lebeau, do you think ah told you ah loved you just so you'd stay?!"
He shrugged. "I'm jus' letting you know dat I won' hold a grudge if you did. If you wan' to wait until…after…today, den dat's ok."
It was strange…a moment ago he was everythin' ah ever wanted. Now ah really wanted to punch him. Ah opened mah mouth to give him a tirade, but a sudden thought stopped me.
What if he told me he loved me just to get me to calm down? Just out of guilt? Mah fingers twisted harder. He still must care, if he stayed at all. Ah could wait. "If you only said it to comfort me….if you'd rather take it back, slow down a little…"
He grabbed mah shoulders and looked at me seriously. "Don' you dare. Stop it right dis minute."
His rough touch roused mah temper again. "Then you stop. You started it. You think ah just run around tellin' people that to get mah way?"
My irritation ignited his. "You t'ink I jus' say it to any girl jus' cause she's crying?"
"Well ah don't know quite frankly, ah just thought since you brought it up maybe you were havin' some second thoughts."
Ah glared at him, and he glowered at me. Then all the sudden, his lips split into a grin. In the same moment, ah blushed at the ridiculousness mahself. Really? We were fighting already? Over this?
He pulled me back into his arms with an amused sigh. "Sorry. Fo' some reason I t'ought you'd be less trouble dan usual dis morning. My mistake."
"If ah've told you once, ah've told you a thousand times: ah am not a mornin' person."
He grabbed mah hands and planted a kiss on each one. "Well, let's jus' resolve dis issue befo' someone draws blood. I love you, Rogue. I do."
Ah flushed red. It was stupid, ah'd already said it, but the bicker had taken the surreal edge off everythin'. It felt like any other day and it was harder to say, if no less true. "Ah love you too."
He laughed at mah crimson face, and pulled me into a fierce hug. "I don' t'ink I could ever hear enough o' dose words."
Ah silently agreed.
The room was filled with mornin' light, and the alarm ah would normally have set to wake up went off, filling the room with its abrasive sound and remindin' us of what was ahead.
Ah felt him tense at the noise, so ah reached over and slammed mah fist down, utterly destroyin' it.
"Was dat necessary? I t'ought he was jus' doing his job."
"Like ah said, anyone who wants you has to come through me."
He looked somber again. "Will you promise me one t'ing?"
Ah raised an eyebrow. "Maybe."
He sighed and smiled half-heartedly. "Tell me if you change yo' mind. Don' try to spare my feelings or let me down easy. Jus' tell me."
"That won't happen, idiot Cajun."
"If it does."
Ah grabbed his chin roughly, forcin' him to look at me. "That. Won't. Happen."
He didn't say anythin' else, but it still felt like a stalemate. Ah sighed and stood up. "Ah guess there's only one way to prove it to you." Ah glanced toward the door meaningfully, and then extended mah hand to him.
He didn't mean foah me to notice, but he was holdin' his breath. He took mah hand, and ah quickly wound mah fingers with his. He raised an eyebrow.
"Dis is a lil conspicuous, non?"
Ah scoffed. "Ugh. X-men drama is the least of mah worries today. Besides, ah can always just drain the knowledge from them later if ah change mah mind."
He smiled, "You mean it? You don' mind?"
"Nope." Ah popped the "p", and then led him out of the room.
The door creaked ominously on the way out, and ah put on mah game face. Ah almost expected every single X-man and Brotherhoodlum to be waitin' outside to pounce, but the hallway turned out to be empty. He stayed close at mah side, and ah found an endearing amusement at the irony: me leadin' him by the hand, takin' care of him, reassuring him…him dependin' on me foah once.
Ah wasn't happy that somethin' or someone was makin' him so vulnerable, but in a strange way ah was happy ah had this chance to prove mahself to him. Ah wanted to be an equal partner. Ah wanted him to want and need me like ah did him. Ah wanted him to turn to me when he faltered.
Ah squared mah shoulders off, determined to make the most of this opportunity. We walked to the end of the hall, then down the stairs with no interception. Finally, ah heard voices from the kitchen.
"…I mean, it's not really like we know a whole lot about him." Jubilee's voice was bewildered.
Scott answered with his militant, objective tone; totally detached. "Yes, and we have to make it a first priority, but I'm not going to jump to conclusions."
"Right. There are a thousand explanations I'd be more willing to believe," Jean jumped in helpfully.
Logan's gruff voice was a surprise. "It shouldn't matter either way."
Silence. Remy's hand squeezed mine tighter. Ah squeezed back and commanded mah face to smile light-heartedly. Ah wasn't shoah if ah was successful.
We walked in. All eyes fell on us in unison, landing first on Remy, then our hands, then me, then back around in a predictable pattern.
Scott groaned. Ah wondered why, but ignored it. Ah was only goin' to fight the battles ah absolutely had to today: there were conceivably enough of them.
We stood, waitin', foah what seemed like a long time. Jubilee, Scott, Bobby, Wanda and Pietro sat around the table. Jean was at the counter, in the middle of cleanin' or cookin', ah couldn't tell which. Logan was leanin' against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Remy's hand squeezed mine so hard ah thought it might break if it could have.
At last, Jean smiled a little guiltily. "I've got eggs, toast, oatmeal and cereal. Coffee is brewing."
The eyes fell away immediately, lookin' everywhere but at us. Ah took a breath, holdin' steady. They were gonna play nice…foah now.
"Toast sounds great, but ah'll wait til the coffee's ready. Ah see the table's full, so we'll -,"
Wanda jumped up. "No no, Pietro and I just finished. Please, take our seats."
Pietro scowled up at his sister with a mouth full of eggs. "That's all right, Wanda, don't rush on our account." Ah was amazed at how naturally the plural fell from mah lips.
"No, really. If we don't leave now we'll be late for our briefing from Mag…father. Come on, Pietro." She smiled good naturedly at us befoah draggin' her brother from the room.
Remy and ah took their places at the table, and the tension was palpable. Jean asked without turnin', "What about you, um, Gambit? What will you have?"
Remy looked up at her incredulously. He apparently wasn't expecting this kind of reception. He stuttered twice befoah he managed to blunder out, "I'm actually not all dat hungry dis morning, but t'anks anyway, Jean."
Logan snorted and walked over to the counter, dishin' some eggs onto a paper plate. "Eat anyway. You'll thank me later." He shoved the plate in front of Remy brusquely, and ah had to focus to keep mah jaw from droppin'. Did this mean that Logan…one of the people ah was dreadin' the most…was on our side? Or just that he had somethin' super awful planned foah later?
Dangit, what was it that everyone else knew? Ah hate bein' last to find somethin' out. Makes it harder to know what to expect. Remy dutifully picked up his fork, offerin' a muffled "t'anks" befoah takin' a mouthful. Logan nodded at me once befoah headin' out.
After a few minutes, Jean placed two cups of coffee in front of us. Ah was glad foah it. Right now the electricity in the air was keepin' me alert, but ah knew that the sleepless night was bound to catch up at some point. Caffeine was just the thing to stave it off.
"Ok, well I'm off to meet with the Professor. Scott?" She turned toward him, givin' him a meaningful look.
"Um, right. Right behind you, Jean."
They shuffled out of the room, and left Bobby and Jubilee sitting there looking guilty. With the obvious displays of awkwardness from Scott and Jean, they knew there was no excuse that would seem believable to get them out of the kitchen.
Remy kept his eyes studiously on his plate.
Ah took a deep breath and forced mah mind to put some sentences together. "So, uh…integration trainin' today, huh? That should be interestin'."
There was a delay, but finally Jubilee offered, "Yeah. I just hope they're looking forward to it as much as we are."
Bobby and ah smiled at her attempt at light-hearted sarcasm, but then the silence happened again. Remy looked like he was pretendin' to be somewhere else.
Ah tried again. "Wanda and Pietro seem really nice. Sort of surprisin'."
"I thought you already knew all the Brotherhood." Bobby said without lookin' at me.
"Ah'd seen them a time or two at meetings, but they traveled with the other team. Ah don't think ah really even talked to them befoah today."
"Yeah, Wanda's particularly…sweet. They seem to hang out with us more than their own team. Wonder what's up with that."
"Sweet huh? Ah don't think you've used that word in reference to a person befoah. Interestin' choice foah a first."
Bobby looked up, a flicker of real personality in his eyes. "Jealous?"
Ah shrugged. "Everyone has to move on sometime."
Jubilee's eyes danced up briefly and then back to the table. "Sooooo….you guys are like, a thing now?"
Ah laughed, but it sounded shrill even to me. "Yeah, ah guess we're a thing. The only question left is what kinda thing."
"Smart of you to work in that condition that Gambit can never speak again. If I ever need to hammer out a contract, you'll be the first person I call." Jubilee teased.
Remy looked up, finally. "Sorry to spoil yo' fun, but my mouth never entered de negotiations."
"Oh so he can speak! Does he get a treat or something?" She tossed a half eaten biscuit at him that he caught with the faintest glimmer of a smile.
"Seems like all us X-men are pairing off an' settling down. Scott an' Jean, me an' Rogue, you an' Wolvie."
"WHAT?! Ew! Grossgasm!"
He smiled more fully now. "Oh I'm sorry, did I misinterpret? Wit' de way you two been spending time togeddah lately…"
"He's like, 20 years older than me or something! That's totally disgusting!!"
"I dunno, seems like the lady doth protest too much." Bobby jumped in.
"Oh shut it, ice weenie. I'd still take old Mr. Grumpy Claws over you!"
He stuck his tongue out at her. "You sound just like Rogue yesterday, 'There's nothin' goin' on between me and Gambit'. Now look at the lovebirds, romance blossoming in the air. "
Remy turned a questionin' look at me. Ah blushed just horribly. He grinned. Jubes giggled. Bobby felt encouraged.
"Yeah, she turned like, that color and was all like 'oh he doesn't like me like that', and I was like, 'dude, he so loves you' and she was like 'shut up Bobby', and I was like 'you know you're totally smitten' and she was like-,"
"SHUT UP BOBBY!"
"Yeah, just like that. Gosh, I'm glad all that crap last night turned out not to be true. Sorry I was worried for a second, man," he tossed the peacemakin' gesture at Remy.
Remy froze, and then his eyes went back to his plate. The mood shifted back violently.
Bobby's eyebrows shot up. "It's not true, is it? You guys were acting all light hearted…"
Remy didn't move or respond. Ah took a deep breath. Now's as good a time as any. "Bobby, ah wasn't outside foah much of last night. What exactly was said?"
Bobby did a double take at me, and then his jaw dropped. He turned a surprisingly fierce glare on Remy. "You didn't even tell her, did you? Seriously? You just went right ahead and-,"
"Bobby." Storm's sudden appearance in the doorway silenced him, but he continued lookin' at Remy hostile-like. Ah squeezed Remy's hand, and reminded him in a whisper, "It doesn't matter."
Bobby snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. Storm spoke again, "Gambit, may I speak with you privately, please?"
Nope. Ah jumped in, "If it's all the same, Ro', Ah'd like to stay with Remy."
"I'm afraid it's not all the same, Rogue. I am making my very best effort at being cordial, but when I say I'd like to speak to him alone, I am not asking: I am demanding."
"Ah'm makin' an effort too. When ah say ah'd like to stay with Remy, ah mean ah'm not leavin' him unless someone makes me."
Ro's eyes flashed white foah a second, and then she looked at Remy. "Perhaps this is a conversation that you might not want your companion to hear?"
Remy looked evenly at her, and then looked at me. Mah face was plain: no way, not a chance. He closed his eyes foah a moment befoah answerin' her.
"Actually, I t'ink she better come wit'. She's got as much right to de truth as anybody."
You could see Ro's jaw clench together, but she nodded once, curtly, and turned. It was clear that we were meant to follow. Ah stood, bracin' mahself foah whatever blow was to come. Remy stood like he was facin' the gallows.
As we followed 'Ro down the hall toward the elevators, mah heart picked up the pace. Ah swallowed and prayed it wasn't as loud to everyone else as it was to me. Remy's hand was still in mine, it had never left since this mornin'. That was the only thing that mattered. It had to be.
If ah had doubted it in Remy's face befoah, Bobby's tone sealed it: whatever this was, it was earth shatterin'. Could it possibly be enough to unmake everythin'? Mah mind begged me to guess what it could be, but ah staunchly refused. Ah would find out in a minute, and presumably that would be bad enough. Ah didn't need to give mah nerves any help from mah imagination.
Remy had one hand in mine, and the other in his pocket. He stared only at the ground in front of his feet, placing one foot in front of the other. It was strange and painful, seein' him this way. He had no quips, his normally graceful steps had a decided trudge, his broad shoulders slumped…he just seemed so hopeless. Maybe it wasn't too late…maybe we could just turn and run now, get out of here and just pretend this was all a bad dream. We could just love one another and ah could just live with not knowin' some things, if it would make him feel better.
But deep down, ah knew that wasn't an option. We weren't headed toward a firing squad in a cell, but walkin' through our home with our friends. We couldn't leave things this way. And…ah had to know. Ah had to get around the secrets. Mah fears and insecurities weren't comin' between us now…but Remy's shadows were. In order foah a person to be whole, there has to be good and bad. In order foah me to love this whole person, ah had to know both sides.
Ah prayed ah would be strong enough.
'Ro led us into the conference room, and as she switched on the lights I realized we were not alone.
It took a moment foah mah mind to register the face, as it was just barely known to me. The grey man from the lawn stood toward the back of the room, his yellow eyes seethin' with rage, the hard ridges of his grotesque body standin' out all the more as his muscles tensed.
Ah slung Remy behind me, takin' an aggressive stance. 'Ro grabbed mah wrist.
"Caliban has agreed to a truce. There will be no fighting."
Ah remained tense, distrustful. He spoke. "I want to hear. I want to know why. I want answers."
If he seemed hostile befoah he spoke, his quiet voice made him downright menacin'. But still, his words were convincing. He was headed the same direction as me, desperate to know…he was just on the other team.
It took real concentration foah me to relax mah guard, but ah stayed in front of Remy. 'Ro went and stood beside Caliban, turned ever so slightly toward him. Ah wasn't sure if she was discreetly lettin' us know which side she was on, or if she doubted Caliban's self-control and wanted to be in a position to intercept. She'd been our friend up til now, ah'd give her benefit of the doubt.
Ah had thought surely mah system was out of adrenaline after last night, but ah felt it coursin' through mah veins again. Ah hadn't had a chance to eat much, there was nothin' in mah system but a few swigs of coffee. Between lack of food and the sleep deprivation, mah energy stores were depleted: ah was relyin' entirely on the rush.
Mah hands threatened to tremble. Ah clenched them into tight fists, forbiddin' it. Ah would not show weakness. Not today. Ah didn't care how unhappy mah system was.
Ah kept mah eyes trained on Caliban. He was the reason we were here, and therefore he represented everythin' ah had been fearin'. He wasn't offended. He didn't notice. His eyes were locked on Remy.
His face was unspeakable. It was hard not to wince when you looked at him, even if he wasn't lookin' back. The wrath seemed like a mask over his face…is was hard to make out any feature other than the blatant fury. Tremors danced all across his body, and he made no effort to hide them. They were not the result of fear or adrenaline, but the rigid tension he held himself. It was physically demanding for him to restrain the violence he so clearly craved.
So suddenly that it made me jump, he scrubbed the back of his hand over his face. It was only then that I noticed that the milky-yellow hue of his eyes was brightened by furious tears. There was no weakness in them: they were intimidating. It proved that whatever he was feelin' was too great to be held inside. If he wouldn't express it, it would express itself.
Storm kept a wary eye on him as she addressed us. "Gambit, I think you know the answers we are seeking."
He was quiet a long time. Ah found it difficult to tear mah eyes from Caliban, but finally the silence stretched too long and ah turned to look at Remy. He was starin' at Caliban, and his face was unfathomable.
"Ask me, den."
Caliban snarled words similar to the ones he had used last night, "It was you!"
Everything was quiet again foah a moment. Ah thought mah mind was gonna explode if it didn't get an explanation soon. Ah felt like ah was wearin' a blindfold in a room full of landmines.
Remy finally answered, in a voice barely audible. "Yes."
Ro's face collapsed. The answer didn't surprise her, apparently…she was just holdin' onto blind hope that she was wrong. Caliban ground his teeth. One of his feet moved forward, and he dragged it back into place. He wasn't finished yet.
"Why?!" His voice was animalistic, marred by wrath, agony and desperation. "What could you have possibly gained? What had we ever done?!"
Beads of sweat appeared on Remy's nearly unreadable face. It wasn't that his face was blank, ah just couldn't comprehend what the emotion was.
"I don' know."
Ro's jaw dropped in disbelief. Caliban snapped, rushin' at him in a blur. Ah intercepted him, grabbin' him around the waist and refusin' to let him move an inch. His strength couldn't match mine, and he knew it, but it didn't stop him from thrashin' futilely as he spat venom.
"You don't know?! You didn't need a reason?! Do our lives mean so little, just because we don't have a face so lovely as yours?! Because we don't leave trails of scorned lovers?"
Remy winced. He stared at the floor in front of him, unable to bear Caliban.
"I'm sorry. I don' know because I wasn' told. I have some answers, but not dat one."
Caliban stilled, and finally looked down at me. The weight of his gaze was like a physical blow. "Release me."
Ah wanted to ask if he could control himself, make sure that ah wasn't makin' a mistake, but ah couldn't bring mahself to speak to him. Ah let him go, and he backed slowly away. So did ah, and he studied me. Ah wished he would stop.
He didn't. His gaze changed all the sudden. Foah a moment, ah was confused: ah couldn't identify this new expression. His eyes bored into mah face, and then very slowly, deliberately, he let his eyes wander down mah throat, mah shoulders…lower. It sent chills down mah spine, and not in a good way. Ah didn't know how, but ah knew he was thinkin' about how to hurt me, the worst ways.
"You say you have answers," his voice came out much calmer, but cold now, calculatin'. Another shiver ran down the length of me. "I would like one. Would it have hurt you more, if I had done to this one what I did to your wife?"
Remy's head snapped up. Caliban continued. "Of course at the time we had no idea that Remy Lebeau was the name of the man who led the Marauders. That would have been a definite bonus. We would not have given you a year. She was punishment for the Assassins only. Now that we know, things will be much harder for her."
"Leave Belle alone. She didn't know anyt'ing. She didn' even know me, when it happened."
"Amazing how so many people can die and no one knows anything about it. Those lives, the ones you took, they didn't know anything either. They didn't matter to you, but they mattered. This Belle, it would seem, does matter to you. I will judge her by standards you set. That seems fair, doesn't it?"
Remy's face was tortured. "Please. Don' punish Belle fo' de t'ings I've done. Punish me, but please…dat girl has been punished enough."
Caliban's face turned up in a smirk. His frenzy was finally havin' its release, causin' Remy pain.
"Not yet, but rest assured she will be. She's one of the best ways to punish you….one."
His eyes fell back on me. Mah mind was slow to wrap around this conversation…it didn't want to. Ah stared at him, dumbfounded, but Remy jumped between us.
"Dis girl is innocent! So is Belle! You t'ink you gon' set t'ings right, by becoming de t'ing you hate mos'? You t'ink you can find happiness by walking my path? Let me tell you, dere's not'ing in de world dat can ever hurt you as much!"
'Ro jumped in, her ignorance mirrorin' mine. "Who is this Belle? What part does she have in this?"
Caliban ignored her, fury returned. "You would pretend remorse?! You think that would be enough?!"
Remy straightened, and his eyes fell back to the floor. "No. I have plenty of remorse, but it doesn' matter. Dere's no way to make it right."
"No! No way!"
Remy's head snapped up again, finally with some degree of distemper. "So den why are you here? What is it you wan' me to say?"
Ah felt like ah was in a dream, or underwater, unable to do anythin' but watch.
"I want the answers you claim not to have! You and the rest of those despicable marauders didn't just stumble onto our territory! You didn't just happen to be armed. You didn't just accidentally kill all those people! All my people!"
Mah mind reeled, and ah started shoutin' befoah ah even thought what ah would say, "Yoah lyin'! Yoah LYIN'!!!"
All eyes fell on me. "That's not true! You haven't even let him say anythin' yet. You don't know anythin'!"
Caliban started shoutin' back "I don't know anything?! I was there! I saw! I saw him massacre those innocent people!"
Remy stepped around me, voice strong. "Dat's not true! You saw horrible t'ings, and you saw me, but you did not see dat!"
And that's when everythin' went to hell. It happened so fast. Caliban shrieked, unable to contain himself any longer, and lunged forward. 'Ro grabbed his arm and yelled "No Caliban!" befoah he slung her across the room and into a wall. Her head slammed back with a terrible crackin' sound and she slumped, momentarily stunned.
Caliban tackled Remy to the ground, landin' on top of him. The instant they hit, Caliban had both hands around Remy's throat, liftin' his head and slammin' it into the floor, once, twice....
Ah dove foah him as soon as mah reflexes would allow, panickin'. Ah knew this was no brawl: Caliban had every intention of killin' Remy if he could. Ah hit him hard enough that we both went tumblin' head over heels in a heap.
His eyes were locked on me, but ah could tell he wasn't seein' me. Ah was just a thing at this point, somethin' in his way. When we finally landed he wasted not a moment's breath. Ah hadn't known befoah what Caliban's power was, but ah found out.
Fear. It was overwhlemin'. Mah mouth went dry, and the terror was uncontrollable. It was in the space of a second. Ah opened mah mouth to scream but no sound came out. Ah was completely paralyzed.
He wrapped his hands around mah throat now, squeezin' hard…ah was unable to do anything at all.
Then his eyes opened in surprise. He didn't know mah power either. His skin against mine was cold and smooth foah just a moment, and then the room, the fear, the moment disappeared from me.
The memory flooded toward me vividly. It was forefront in his mind.
Ah was trapped behind his eyes, an unwilling passenger in his body. It was dark, but ah could see. Ah was walkin' on a slimy stone floor, keepin' watch in the dark tunnels…they were dark but ah could see. The place was familiar in every way, a home ah both loved and hated. It provided me somewhere to belong, someplace safe, but ah missed normal life. Ah missed the light.
Ah knew it was late, near the end of mah shift. There was no sense of importance, no foreboding. It was a normal day, or night…it was hard to tell here. Berzerker would be here soon to relieve me. He'd have Scaleface with him tonight, trainin' her.
Ah suspected with a certain amount of mischievous glee that somethin' more than a professional relationship was goin' on between them. It was nice to think that there was some good still left in the world, even down here.
It was cold. It was always colder down here below the streets of the city, with the sun never touching and the constant dampness hangin' in the air. But tonight it was colder. As I neared the door, I stuck my head in. Cybelle was on door duty tonight, I'd send along a message to the next sentries to dress as warmly as possible.
We'd need to make a surface run soon. Food and clothes were getting scarce. We needed some penicillin as well. Chest colds and pneumonia were a given in this atmosphere.
Cybelle agreed to pass on my message. She interested me. She was so timid when she spoke, and yet in a fight she showed no sign of weakness. It was almost easier for her to strike than speak. I wondered why that was, but given the sad tales of the rest of us hapless ghouls, I decided I probably didn't want to know.
Mah thoughts were interrupted. Ah had closed the door behind me, continuing down the hall and around the bend. When ah turned the corner, a pair of glowin' red eyes stared back at me.
"Evenin', homme! T'ought we'd drop by fo' a visit!" The voice was young, jovial, playful even.
Ah swallowed the surprise and flew into action. Ah swung at him, and he blocked. Ah swung again, and he kicked me in the stomach.
"Not very hospitable. You don' know nothin' bout hosting parties."
Ah tried to ignore his words, focus only on bringin' him down befoah he could reach the door, when a flicker of shadows in the dark drew mah attention. Ah suddenly realized he wasn't alone. The shadows seemed to multiply, to rise from every surface. He was very not alone. A sharp sense of dread welled up in my stomach.
"Stay back!" ah cried futilely.
Two of the other men, dressed totally in black with masked faces grabbed me. Another one punched me in the stomach. One of mah ribs cracked, ah heard and felt it as the wind rushed out of mah mouth in a loud whoosh. Ah choked and gasped, tryin' to get air to come back in, and each movement felt like its own little blow as it further aggravated the injury.
"Hey, easy hommes! I t'ink you hurt him," the red eyes' voice seemed sincerely agitated.
Ah looked up and finally saw past his eyes to his face. He was barely more than a boy. His face was not unhandsome, but his limbs were gangly, like he hadn't grown into them yet, and his face had just the faintest hint of childhood roundness left. His skin was still baby smooth.
The men paid him no heed. "Open the door," one commanded him without a hint of playfulness. Somethin' about it made mah skin crawl, even as ah was still gaspin' to catch mah breath. Somethin' was very wrong.
The boy backed away from the masked men down the hallway, palms raised face out. "All right, all right. Hold yo' horses. Don' know why everybody has to be so serious all de time."
He turned toward the door. Ah wanted to yell, but ah could only gather enough air to call weakly, "Wait!"
But his hands were already against the wood and a pink glow spread from his fingertips until the entire surface was covered. He gave the door a shove, and it exploded inward, toward the room. Ah heard screams from inside, and panic as the people inside reacted to the intrusion.
"Nicely done. You've made a lot of progress, runt. This night wouldn't have been possible without you."
The boy beamed arrogantly, no hint of remorse on his face, but the masked men gave no further acknowledgment. They marched on ahead of him. Foah a moment his eyes seemed almost confused.
Ah didn't have much time to dwell on it, because just then a sharp, shattering pain dove into mah shoulder. It was quick, and hit twice more. It was like nothin' ah'd ever felt. Ah cried out again and again as the blows fell. The boy turned back to me with a shocked expression. Ah felt a warm stickiness spread from the points of origin, and the pain seemed to radiate outward.
They dropped me and ah fell limply. The force of the fall made me cry out again as my ribs and back sent agony shriekin' throughout mah body. Ah looked up, and saw one of the men who had been holdin' me wipe a bloody blade off on his sleeve before tuckin' it back in its sheath.
Mah mind slowly processed that ah had been stabbed. How many times? Three? The knowledge came as though through a fog. Ah wondered if ah was goin' into shock.
Then the screaming started. At first, the screams were in terror. Ah hated this sound. Ah could recognize the voices. Ah woodenly started draggin' mahself toward the door, and ah realized that the stones around me seemed slick foah some reason.
But the screaming changed quickly. They was no longer screams of terror. As horrible as they had been, ah wished them back a thousand times. The screams now were pain; agonizin', searin' pain.
The small part of this moment that was really me begged him to stop. Please don't go. Ah don't want to see.
He was unaware of me, and ah was powerless.
Ah dragged mah damaged body over to the wall, and it took me several tries to right mahself. Each failure brought with it an increasin' amount of torture from mah protestin' wounds. Ah had to keep tryin'. Ah had to find out what had happened to mah family.
When ah was finally upright, the world went starry foah a moment. Ah thought ah might pass out, but ah clenched mah teeth and forced one foot in front of the other, mah weight carried by the wall until the stars disappeared.
They had left me to die, and the hallway was empty now. There was a vague awareness somewhere in mah head that ah might die, but it wasn't completely relevant at that moment. The shrieking poured in increasing intensity from the open doorway. Mah stomach started to turn. Ah didn't know if ah could bear it. But ah couldn't run away, ah had to see. Ah had to try and help. Ah had to warn them. I was the one keepin' watch.
The path to the door took an unbearable amount of time. Had ah really thought earlier that ah missed the light? Such a trivial thing! Nothin' in the world was more beautiful than mah home, mah family. They had to be ok. They had to be. What would ah do without them?
They would be ok. There had to be fairness somewhere in the world. We had so little, who would want our scraps? What did we have to offer anyone? What had we ever done, other than take what little we required to survive? We didn't even require them to look at us, acknowledge us. We just wanted someplace to be.
Our place was one that no one else wanted. We were people no one else wanted. But we wanted each other. Isn't that what everyone wanted to find? Most hoped they would find it in a big house with a beautiful wife and lots of children. Maybe with a fancy career where everyone wore suits. Most people never found a place to belong, only things to comfort them. We had no things, we had only each other.
Mah world was small: it was entirely contained behind that door. If somethin' happened to it, there would only be darkness left.
Mah limbs started to feel cold. Mah blood hit the floor behind me with a faint and toneless "plink….plink….plink".
"Please……please…..please…" ah whispered to mahself. Ah just had to know they were ok. Then ah could die. Ah had to make it to the door first.
The sounds started to become vague, like mah ears were plugged up. Ah ignored this change and continued mah slow trudge. Ah wouldn't make it much longer, but ah had to keep goin' as long as ah could.
Finally, ah reached the door frame. Ah used mah last reserve of strength to pull myself around and into the room befoah ah collapsed.
It took me a moment, pantin', to collect enough strength to lift mah head and look.
The small part that was still Rogue begged. Begged just to be able to close her eyes. She couldn't, because ah couldn't.
The scene struck mah sight like a bolt of lightenin', etchin' the scene forever in mah memory.
Cybelle was lyin' facedown a few feet in front of me. I could only tell it was her because of the shock of red hair. Acid sweat still dripped from her pores, and her clothes were steaming as they melted away. There was one spear through her left hand, pinnin' that appendage to the floor. Another jutted out from her back at a strange angle, where it had pierced between her shoulder blades and driven down through her ribcage and out her stomach. Her blood was in a black puddle all around her, and though she was gone…ah could tell, ah just didn't know how…her body twitched in a useless endeavor to survive.
Scaleface and Berzerker were trying to block the way to the back tunnel, where the others would be trying to escape to the outside. They were outnumbered and it was clear they would be overwhelmed, but the masked men laughed and jeered, takin' their time and enjoyin' their work.
They fired guns and threw daggers, careful to cause pain and not disability.
Berzerker cried out as a small blade took root in his thigh, "Fall back Scaleface! You have to report to Callisto!"
"I won't leave you here by yourself!"
"Fall back NOW! That's an order!"
Scaleface turned towards him, heavily conflicted and hesitant. One of the masked men stepped up, pulling his mask off to reveal a tan face fixed with a hard scowl, and framed by long black hair. There was nothing human, no empathy in his cold eyes.
"Enough of this. Get the job done, slackers."
He pulled out a handgun, holding it in both hands. He leveled it at Berzerker's face. B's eyes went wide foah a split second, and then the dark man pulled the trigger.
The sound was deafenin' as it ricocheted off the stone walls, and Berzerker slumped down to the floor lifelessly.
Scaleface shrieked, a blood curdling sound full of her loss, her fury and disbelief. She lunged herself toward the dark man, her eyes wild. In one deft movement, he turned his aim toward her and pulled the trigger again.
She fell without a sound, and he walked over to, straddlin' her prostrate form. He pointed the gun down, cocked it, and pulled the trigger again. And again. And again.
Click, BANG!...click, BANG!...click BANG!...click BANG!
Her body jumped as the force of each bullet entered it at close range. His clip was empty. He pulled another from his belt, but stopped in mid motion, cockin' his head to one side.
Turning, he noticed me starin' wide eyed, unable to do anythin'. Helpless. Bleeding.
He smiled, chuckled, and then dismissed me. Dismissed my agony. Dismissed my life.
"Come on boys, the night is young."
He led them down further into the tunnels, chasin' the others. The echoes of their boot steps died away, leavin' me in the silence and the dark…alone with corpses.
Ah would soon join them. There was no comfort in the thought.
Ah had forgotten the pain in mah body as each blast of gun fire pierced mah soul through. Gone, gone, everything gone.
Why? Why?!
"WHY!?!?!" Mah voice cried out as Caliban slumped away from me. The sound of it was so loud it hurt mah ears.
The world ah had been wrapped up in was gone as quickly as it had come, and ah was back in the conference room. Caliban's memories lingered, his pain fresh in me. Ah had scarcely had time to register who and where ah was when his power overwhelmed me.
Ah could see the world differently. Ah could sense every mutant in the school, and yet the new information was not overwhelmin'. Ah was aware of each one individually; they were like pale flames dancin' in a colorless world, but each one slightly different, distinct.
Some of the flames were different. They shone brighter, they had color…they were varying degrees of gold. At first ah didn't know what the difference was, only that ah was attracted to these yellow flames.
Then small threads of me, mah consciousness reached out and caressed the yellow flames, connectin' mahself. Ah knew instantly…the colored flames were those mutants experiencin' fear.
Ah couldn't control it. As ah connected with each, mah presence acted as a catalyst. Each of them flared, goin' from a mild amber sheen in many cases to a blindin' flash. Ah felt the fear cripple them, felt their hands go cold, their throats tighten. Pulses thundered, and several people screamed.
Ah pulled hard on as many flames as ah could, and ah felt the effort tirin' me. The energy poured out of me in thick waves until it was utterly spent. Mah threads shimmered and then vanished, the flames flicked and then snuffed, the awareness faded until there was nothin' left.
Ah slumped to the floor, exhausted in ways ah didn't think possible. Caliban was unconscious next to me.
It had only been a few seconds…the entire experience was a only a breath of time. Ah felt like ah had lost years.
"Chere! Are you,-?"
"Why?" Ah repeated, mah voice blank and soft as ah turned mah gaze to him. Whatever he saw in mah face, it stopped him in his tracks.
"Why, Remy? Why did you do it?" Caliban's memories were starting to wilt around the edges…not mah memories. Just like seein' a scary movie. It was over now.
But the horror…that was real. The actors hadn't gone on to make other films. They stayed where they lay.
Remy stayed frozen, mouth agape. Ah struggled to pull mahself to mah feet. The room tried to spin as exhaustion started mixin' in with everythin' else, but ah forced it away.
"Why?! Answer me, Remy! Why, why, why?!?!"
He was staggered. He knew what ah had seen. Ah had entered his own little hell. Moments befoah the sight of Remy so horrified would have brought me to mah knees. Now it only enraged me.
"Speak!"
His voice stumbled out, chokin' on the words, and makin' no sense.
"Speak UP!"
Ah had no mercy in me. Mah fury would have been enough, but it was tangled up in Caliban's, which was greater than any ah'd ever felt from anyone.
"I didn' know dey what dey were planning! I didn't know…I would never have t'ought dat…."
"That what? That were goin' to kill everyone? What did you suppose all the guns were foah?!"
He took shallow breaths like his lungs were refusin' to expand.
"He….he tol' me dat…dey…de Morlocks…had somet'ing of great value to him. He tol' me I had to find dem. Dat was de price."
"Who told you?! The price of what?!"
His face grew ever more tortured. "Essex...Sinister. He wanted de location o' de Morlocks….he said he could help me control my powers, if I would jus' agree to get it fo' him."
My jaw dropped. Ah had told him! Ah told him not to keep secrets about Sinister! He had lied to me, to mah face, about somethin' that he knew was so important to me?!
"Is there anything about you that isn't a secret or a lie?!" Mah voice was borderin' on hysterical.
He ran his hands up into his hair, pullin' until his knuckles were white. His eyes started glowin' fiercely bright. "Very very little! Dat's what I've tried to tell you all along!"
Most of me felt nothin' but the drive, the pull of the anger, the near insanity. A very small part, barely noticeable, recoiled.
Ah had nearly forgotten Ororo in all this mess. "Rogue, what did you see? Is Remy guilty of these crimes?"
Ah turned toward her, and she took a step back. Ah tried to force mahself to calm down befoah ah crossed a line ah didn't want to. In mah peripheral vision, ah was aware of Remy's eyes serachin' mah face pleadingly.
Ah had to answer her question…what was the truth?
Remy was there. He had been with them. Ah had seen him.
But…ah didn't see him kill anyone. Did that mean he didn't? Or only that Caliban didn't know?
How could you explain that someone "sorta" killed a person?
"Ah didn't see….him commit the crimes. But ah saw him lead the ones who did. He told them where to go, and let them in."
Ororo shuddered, and her eyes flitted back and forth as she tried to process. Finally, she looked at Remy. "But you say you didn't know what they had planned to do once they arrived? Is that correct? Is that true?"
He just nodded, jaw tremblin'. She thought again. Ah seethed, tryin' to reign in whatever had been unleashed in me.
After a time, she spoke again. "Do you know where they are? The men who hired you?" Her face seemed almost hopeful.
His face crumpled again, and he shook his head no. Ro's face fell. A quiet kind of panic started risin' above the wrath as Caliban's past seeped further away, less tangible. Where could we possibly go from here? What about the team, the Morlocks, me, Remy? This changed everything, but into what?
Ro's voice spoke again, this time with resolve. "Could you find them, Gambit, if you had to?"
Remy and ah both turned to her, startin' to catch on to her train of thought. Remy pondered this moment.
His voice was strained when it came out. He was hopin' to give her a better answer. "I don' know. Dere were so many…and dey had a lot of resources. S' been a long time, de trail is dead cold."
"Could you try?" Ororo's voice had an urgent edge to it.
"Yes, I could try."
Ororo fixed him with a level stare. "The Morlocks will not excuse you. I cannot excuse you, either as your friend or their leader. Without justice, there can be no forgiveness. Unwilling as you might have been…and I am trying quite hard to believe you…you still had a part to play. But, perhaps, if you played a part in setting things right, if you brought those who were truly responsible to face judgment…perhaps then you might be absolved. And," she added ominously, "your cooperation in this regard may be the only thing that keeps you safe. Caliban will track you, they will hunt you to the ends of the earth, satisfied only with your destruction."
This word brought a jolt to mah system. Destruction? They were gonna kill Remy?
Ah was mad, scared, betrayed and horrified all at once, but Remy couldn't be killed! He couldn't just be allowed to die!
Ororo continued, "If they believe that you might lead them to better prey…perform the services you performed for their enemies, your chances might improve."
'Ro's gaze stayed steady and hard, her threat thinly veiled. She wouldn't hurt Remy…she owed him her life. But he was the villain here, and she wouldn't intervene with justice.
It seemed like it should have taken Remy more time to answer. "I'll do it. If it'll make it right, if it can stop all dis…I'll do it."
'Ro nodded at him, but kept him locked in her attention. "In the meantime, I am the leader of the Morlocks, and this issue is not resolved. Until it is, I cannot be where you are. I cannot cooperate with you, protect you."
Remy slowly processed her words, and nodded. "I'll leave, den."
Another jolt to mah system. Ah felt like ah was feelin' too much to respond to anythin'.
"I'll go until you've had time to prepare and make good on that."
Remy nodded woodenly. Ororo grabbed Caliban, proppin' one arm over her shoulder as she made her way towards the door, head high, refusin' to show anythin' of what she felt. She stopped just inside the door way, but didn't turn.
"I hope…that this can come to a resolution. I hope that we can someday…be as we once were. I am sorry, sorry to you both that it must be this way."
She left us alone. The silence was heavy. He watched me, waitin'. Ah had never realized it befoah, but ah was usually the one who broke the silence.
Ah couldn't think of anythin'. Ah felt like ah was made of ice. Ah didn't know what to think or feel, how ah should respond, or how ah wanted to. Ah was frozen, incapable of even the slightest gesture.
The part of me that was so painfully and intimately aware of the truth wanted to reach out and shake him, make him answer every question, make him understand violently how much he had hurt me, changed me with this. The part of me that was still Caliban just wanted to hurt him.
The part of me that was familiar, that played by the rules in place an hour ago would have comforted him, reassured him. That part of me was as terrified as ever at the thought of him leavin', was petrified that someone was goin' to try an' hurt him, was agonized at the sight of his pain and disgrace.
Ah was trapped between them all, expressionless, silent…
His eyes stayed on me, begging me to say somethin' even though he didn't dare ask. Slowly, a glow came to his eyes. It built in small increments as the seconds ticked by.
The clock in the corner sounded louder than normal. The ticks sounded louder and louder, til they were almost a "thud". They sounded like nails bein' driven into a coffin.
Remy's eyes glowed all the brighter, and then shone as they brimmed with tears he blinked away furiously. He looked away foah a moment, controllin' himself.
When he looked back up his face was still shattered, but he held his jaw rigid, determined.
His voice was low, carefully controlled. "De part of me dat is secret…de part dat's a lie…yoah right, its bigger dan de part dat isn't. I'm not even half a person, once you do de math."
He took a tentative step toward me, took as deep of a breath as he could manage, and continued. "But my name is Remy Lebeau," his voice started shakin' as he continued. "De t'ieves guild is my real fam'ly. I like coffee, gumbo, live music, and irritating you to death. And I love-,"
He stopped because his voice cracked. If he said anythin' else, he would lose it.
Ah felt the force holdin' me back snap like a leash, and ah ran to him.
He grabbed me like ah was the only thing holdin' him to the world.
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