Starlight2twilight – As per your request, here is "moar!!!" lol! Thank you for reading and your kind review. I'm glad this thing turned out to be as intense to read as to write. I think I chew my fingers down to nubs writing that!

Bologna 121 – I was really kinda concerned how the ending to the last chapter would come across reading. In my head it sounded unbearably tragic, but sometimes things don't translate the way you want on paper. Thanks for the reassurance, and I'm glad you like my Remy. Believe it or not, he's tough to write! What seems like quick comebacks reading takes me like an hour to come up with. Thanks for the review!

Red Skippy – geez I've been making you sob a lot lately! I'm sorry girlie! I'm really glad you enjoyed the last chapter, and the ending. That last chapter was the hardest thing to write ever. I lost sleep over it. Lol. But hopefully there won't be any more that emotionally demanding for a while. Whew! Thanks for reading and the review!

BlimeytheToad – Thank you so much for your feedback! That dang massacre is not easy to handle at all. It can very easily get disturbingly morbid, or you can water it down too much and make it bland. Fine line to walk, yes. I'm really glad it came across well. And you should've seen my face when I thought of that ending for it. There's a large part of this story that I simply make up as I go, and when I thought of that ending it was just…devastating. Glad you're enjoying, thanks for reading and the review!

Crack4Sure – Oh man! You read the last two chapters at the same time??? Those are the two most trying chapters so far! I apologize for any psychological scarring that may have occurred. I had like, two weeks to ease into it. I feel for you. I'm really glad you're enjoying it though! Thanks for reading and the review! I've missed you!

Shandy – I know. Seeing Remy being so…deflated the past two chapters has been a special endurance challenge for me. All I want to do is make Rogue just magically get control of her powers, run over to him and kiss him and love him til he feels better. But I can't. Ugh! Unfortunately I think all this bad stuff is necessary to make the good stuff count the way I want it to. I have read a fan fiction or two where it's like, a paragraph of arguing and then 300 pages of being in love, and it just doesn't work. It should, but doesn't. Sigh. But I do have some good, pleasant stuff planned before the end of this story. It won't all be misery, I promise. Thanks for reading and the review!

Part 27: Long Road

My life had turned into a walking nightmare. Dere's no uddah way to describe it. Fo' de first time in a long time, I had started to see de man I wanted to be. Dat man, de man I was now, and de man I used to be had all collided and shattered each uddah. I couldn' tell which pieces were worth saving, or which ones could even be saved in de first place.

I felt like my life was made of threads; threads that held me where I was, gave me my identity and connected me to de people around me. One by one, dey were being snipped away and I was cut loose, thrashing around, unstable.

Storm was gone fo' a few days while I made preparations. I had saved her life. We had been friends. She was de one who brought me here in de first place, and now she refused to be around me. Snip.

Bobby glared at me whenever he saw me. He was just a kid, never serious. He normally lacked de emotional complexity to hold a decent grudge. He didn' let up on me an inch. Snip.

Scott held a team meeting. Suddenly, I wasn' invited. I wasn' part o' de team. Snip.

Dere was one thread dat was de most important of all, and dat was de one tying me to Rogue. Dis thread held, but it was frail, frayed, and threatened to snap. I was clinging to dat fo' dear life, but I couldn' put my trust in it.

My presence…it made her uneasy. She caught sight o' me, her shoulders tensed and she frowned. It hurt. Befo' she had always been aware of me, but it was because I excited her. She wanted to see what I was gon' do next. Now t'ings were different.

I created a war in her head. She tol' me she needed some time to come to terms wit' de t'ings she knew, had seen and felt. She said she was sorry, but it wasn' somet'ing dat she could do overnight. When she saw me, her mind spun. She didn' know what she felt, what she was supposed to feel, what she wanted to feel. She felt like I was someone different, someone she didn' know as well. I understood, but it still hurt.

I knew which conclusion was easiest, and I wondered how long it would take her to reach it. I was a liar, t'ief, renegade and murderer. I had not'ing to offer anyone. It terrified me, but I could do not'ing but wait.

I had to leave de mansion. I had tol' Storm I would. Moreover, between de two of us, Storm was de greater advantage fo' de Antarctica expedition. Dey needed her more dan dey needed me, especially now dat dey knew me better.

Storm had given me de conditions undah which I could return. In dis dere was some small hope. If I could comply wit' her, dere was a chance I could be forgiven. Dat I could stop running from dis mess at last, finally close de door. To do it, I would have to face de demons who got me into dis mess. I didn' know if I could handle seeing deir faces again, but I had to try.

I wasn' leaving Rogue, but I had to leave de X-men. I hadn' hoped she would come wit' me, jus' sorta wished she would. She wouldn'. She said she couldn' leave dem at a time like dis, when dey needed her mos'. And, in a barely a whisper, she admitted dat de time might be helpful.

De thread binding us swayed ominously. I jus' nodded.

It seems kinda funny dat I should be so reluctant to leave now, when not so long ago de impulse was all but irresistible. But really, it made a hard kind o' sense. De t'ings I had been running from: de ostracism, de judgment, de confrontation…de truth, well, dey had caught up wit' me at last. Running was no longer an option. Everyone who mattered knew. My legs weren't long enough to escape de scrutiny.

I couldn' find myself in all dis. I couldn' decide how to act, how to behave. I couldn' tell what was expected, what was de truth. I couldn' t'ink o' much to say to anyone, so I spent mos' o' my time on my own. I felt hollow.

I spent my time sleeping and packing my t'ings. I decided to take everyt'ing: leave no reminders, no scars from my presence here. And, it meant a little more time befo' it was really over.

I stretched de whole t'ing out long enough fo' de sun to rise and fall three times, and den I had no more excuses. My t'ings were packed, my ties cut, I sent a letter home to Henri, closed my P.O. box, everyt'ing was in order. At least it was night time. It made sense fo' me to leave first t'ing in de morning, rather than in de dark. Undah any uddah circumstances, time wouldn' have mattered. Now it was all I had.

I sat on my bed, smoking unabashedly. If someone wanted a reason to upbraid me, dey had plenty of ammunition. Might as well enjoy what lil comforts I could. Nothing a touch of febreeze couldn' cure. I kept my attention firmly on de present: de taste o' de cigarette, de beige o' de walls, de yield o' de bed. I wouldn' t'ink o' tomorrow. I wouldn' let my mind wander over de thousand tiny details o' de life dat had almos' been mine.

A soft knock came at de door. I turned my head at de sound but didn' answer. De knock sounded unsure, maybe dey'd lose deir nerve. A few seconds passed, and de knock came again, dis time louder.

"Who's dere?"

"It's me."

I sighed. "Come in."

Rogue came in quietly, closin' de door behind her. She kept her eyes on de floor.

"Hey."

I chuckled once at her awkward opening, but dere was no merriment in de sound "Hey."

We dat dere fo' a few moments, me watching her, waiting fo' some kind of cue; her keeping her eyes diligently away from me.

"Are you lost?" I asked.

"No. Sorry. Ah'm just tryin' to work up the nerve."

My curiosity peaked fo' jus' a second as I wondered what she could have in mind. Dese shaky starts normally mean some kind o' surprise. But de feeling evaporated quickly. It only took seconds fo' me to identify de most likely outcome.

It was de perfect time. She could make her escape now, and I'd be gone in de morning. Clean break. We could skip all de awkwardness.

My blood froze in my veins. I knew I had asked, made her promise. I had told her not to let me down easy. I told her I jus' wanted to know. I should play it cool, casual. I should take it in stride, or at least make her t'ink dat's what was happening.

But I t'ought I still had time. Time to wean myself off, to get used to not having her around. Time to let de distance come gradually so de blow would be softer. In my heart I knew de blow was always coming, but I needed time.

It was hard enough leaving dis place wondering if I would get to return some day. How could I bear it knowing as de gate grew smaller in my rearview mirror dat I had no reason to come back?

"Remy? Could you breathe please?"

Her eyes had wandered up to my face, I realized, and it was far from under control.

I tried to comply, to reset my features into a more acceptable expression as I drew in air that suddenly seemed acrid.

I should make dis easy fo' her, but I couldn' help but try to stave it off. "You sho' you wan' to do dis? Now?"

She nodded. "Ah don't know if ah'll get another chance."

I went back to not breathing, but tried to keep my face smooth. I don' t'ink it went very well, but it was de best I could do.

Her mouth turned down at de corners, concerned. "It's not that big a deal. Ah just feel a little silly ah guess."

Not dat big a deal? Is dat what it had come down to? A silly little fling? Couldn' she at least pretend dis had been a hard decision?

I jus' shrugged and looked away from her. I didn' know if I could hold my poker face.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Ok, here goes: ah know that ah haven't really been there foah ya, not as much as you hoped, and not as much as ah wanted to be. Ah'm sorry foah that, ah really am, but ah promise ah'm doin' the best ah can. You know all that already, ah know. Ah'm startin' to sound like a broken record with all the 'sorrys' ah've thrown at you the past few days-,"

I couldn' stand sitting through dis. "Jus' spit it out Rogue. Don' drag it out."

She nodded and took another breath. "Well, ah know ah haven't done anythin' to deserve it, but ah was hopin' ah could ask…kind of a favor."

My eyes flickered back up wit'out my willing dem to. Dat didn' flow well wit' what I was expecting. I was surprised to find a bashful half-smile on her face wit' jus' de faintest blush. She took my renewed eye contact as an invitation to continue.

"Ah know…ah know you'll be leavin' soon, and…ah know ah'm confused and that ah'm confusin' you and it'll be a while until ah figure everything out, but…well ah'm really gonna miss ya."

My blood thawed jus' a few degrees. My t'oughts slowed down.

"I'm gon' miss you too. You don' even know how much."

She smiled a little wider, feeling encouraged. "Ah thought maybe it'd be easier if ah could see you every now and again."

I raised one eyebrow quizzically. "Am I not allowed to visit?"

She thought about it. "Ah don't see why not. Ah mean nobody said you couldn't, but ah know ah'll see you a lot less and it'll probably be a while."

"Yo' losing me, chere."

She sighed. "Ok. It's cheesy. No way around it. But…ah was hopin' maybe ah could…get a picture of ya. You know, just somethin' to remember you by. Ah thought it might help me keep mah version of you separate from-,"

She cut off and looked up at me, her eyes growing a little wider as she realized she may have said too much.

I smiled cynically. "Caliban's?"

She cast her eyes downward as she edited herself. "Everyone else's."

I waited, but she seemed finished. "Is dat it? Really?"

She looked confused. "Yeah. What were you expectin?"

I wasn' about to answer dat question, so I pondered over her request. Rogue had been careful not to bring up Caliban or de t'ings she had seen from him, uddah dan what was strictly necessary. We bot' knew. In a way, we were bot' dere, and fo' dat reason neither of us wanted to say it out loud. Made it too real.

Still, she had hinted dat part of de struggle fo' her was because not all de t'oughts and feelings she had about me were hers. She couldn' tell which was which yet, so she didn' trust herself to talk to me.

She wanted a picture o' me. Innocent enough. I had no real reason to say no, but it seemed a little random…a little not her style. I tried to piece togeddah some sort o' reason. She had said it might help keep her version of me different from de uddahs. Dat seemed unlikely. If my presence still confused her, how could my image clarify?

Maybe it was somet'ing I jus' didn' undahstand. Wouldn' be de first time wit' dis girl after all. Still, if she was still tryin' to sort out all de conflicting accounts, maybe dat was hopeful fo' me.

Maybe she jus' wanted to remember me, like she said at first. Was dat so bad? No. I knew I'd be t'inking about her, probably more dan even I suspected. And maybe I could wonder, when I t'ought o' her, if she was looking at my picture and t'inking about me.

Dis is jus' getting tragic. What happened to me? Where was my bravado? My pride? Everyt'ing felt so heavy, and I didn' know how to lighten de mood.

I sighed wit'out t'inking.

"Look, if its gonna bother you or something…"

I smiled at her jus' a little bit, trying to fight off de little twinge o' hope threatening. "Non, s'alright. You wan' a picture, you got it. How you wan' do dis t'ing?"

"They have digital cameras you can check out in the library. Ah figure they've got the best light anyway."

I nodded. "When?"

She shrugged. "Whenever. Just befoah you leave."

"Den dere's no time like de present."

I took one last drag off my cigarette befo' tossing it out de window. Rogue gave me a look but didn' say anyt'ing. I stood up, straightened my jacket and swept my hand in front o' me, gesturing fo' her to lead de way.

We walked wit'out saying much. Seemed like everyone else was having as much trouble comin' up wit' conversation starters as I was. I walked wit' my hands in my pockets, gaze pointed directly in front o' me, and hoped dat we wouldn' run into anyone else on de way. Despite popular opinion, I can only take so much abuse.

De library was all but empty dis time o' night. Like mos' libraries, it was only rarely crowded, and dose times usually coincided wit' finals week. Hank sat at de front desk, flipping through a thick, yellowing book absently. He didn' look up as we entered, and I stopped a little ways back from de desk, letting Rogue go do de talking. I figured dat was probably best.

"Hey Hank. Ah was wonderin' if ah could check out a camera?"

Hank's eyes lifted and smiled at Rogue. He opened his mouth to speak, but noticed me standing a few paces back and cut off. He looked back and forth between us, trying to decide how to proceed.

I like Hank. He drives me crazy wit' his constant enthusiasm, but he's smart and kind and decent. Once he got me into de lab, we got along better dan I expected. He was encouraging, appreciative, patient and energetic. Moreover, he had a singular view of de world, a wise but somehow innocent mind. Conversations wit' Hank made time go by quicker, challenged me to t'ink more broadly.

Now Hank, babbling, bubbly Hank, couldn' t'ink o' anyt'ing to say to me. Snip.

"Um, Hank? Camera?" Rogue prodded gently, disliking my suddenly notorious reputation almos' as much as I did.

He snapped out o' it and turned his fingers to de keyboard. "Of course. Forgive my distraction. How long would you like to keep it?"

"Not long. Ah can have it back tonight if you want."

"No no, there's no rush. I'll put it on three day loan and you can return it early if you like."

He took a small camera from under the desk and handed it to Rogue.

"Thanks, Hank."

We turned to go, when Hank offered abashedly. "We haven't seen you lately, Gambit. How are you?"

I turned back to him, wondering how in de world to answer such a question.

I stuck to de classics. "Fine, t'anks. You?"

Hank smiled a little at de generic answer to a generic question. "I'm…fine also."

I smiled a little at him in spite o' myself. "See you around, Hank."

His smile faded. "Yes."

Rogue gave him a grateful look befo' we turned and made our way to one o' de corner study areas. Secluded by shelves of books, dese little cubby holes had a small desk and jus' a few chairs around dem, wit' one bright light overhead. We stopped here, and Rogue looked up at the light and then through the camera, trying to judge if dere was enough light.

After a second she seemed satisfied.

"You wan' me to do anyt'ing in particular?"

She shrugged, unsure o' herself. "Um, smile?"

I threw out a carefully posed and completely unbelievable grin dat probably looked more like a grimace. She sighed.

I relaxed and took a deep breath. I made my smile smaller, and hopefully more realistic. She put the camera up, clicked the button, and blinded me wit' de flash.

I blinked several times, trying to clear de dark spot dat danced right in de center o' my vision.

"Oh sorry! Ah didn' realize it was on." She looked down at de mini screen. "Well that one's a dud. Just a big white spot. Hang on, lemme try to figure this out."

She tried to navigate de camera's menu fo' a few moments, but judging from how her eyebrows kept sinking lower and lower, she wasn' having much luck. I held out my hand.

"May I?"

She handed it to me, and I quickly went through the settings and found de flash. I selected "none". Den I quickly held it up and snapped a shot.

"Hey!" she protested, but I showed her de image on de little screen, in focus, no flash.

She took the camera from me. "Oh. Thanks."

I put de plastic smile back on my face, and stood still as she tried de picture again. When it came up on de screen, she smiled a little at her success, but den frowned upon looking at it more closely.

"What's wrong?"

She didn' answer me fo' a while, and then started out unsurely. "Its…not you."

"Who showed up in de picture den? Charlie Chaplain?"

She sighed. "No, it's not like that. Hang on a second."

She kept her eyes on de little screen, t'inking. I waited. Finally, some kind o' idea lit her serious face, and she walked toward me.

I stayed put, even though her physical closeness was a commodity I had gone wit'out fo' de past few days. De absence only made it more potent. I was afraid if I moved wrong, she'd change her mind.

She stopped in front o' me and looked me dead in de face, steadying me wit' her gaze. I held my breath as she lifted one hand slowly, touching my cheek lightly befo' she gently stroked my hair a few times.

I smiled again, and dis time jus' de tiniest part o' it was real.

She showed me the little screen. The man in de picture looked like he might be at a funeral. My likeness had shoulders slumped, eyes unreadable…he was distant and defeated, and de false smile did nothing to lift de image.

"This isn't the Remy ah wanna remember. This isn't mah Remy."

I looked back into her eyes, which at de moment were piercingly green.

"I'm sorry, chere. I don' t'ink dere's anyt'ing I can do."

She t'ought about it fo' a minute, seeming unsure if it was really a good idea to do what she was about to do. De deliberation didn' last terribly long, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me into a gentle hug.

It wasn' romantic. Dis wasn' de time fo' dat. Dis was her being my friend. She had always been dat. I hugged her back, and she spoke while we were wrapped up togeddah.

"Look, ah know things are awful right now. Ah don't know what's gonna happen. Ah'm not sure ah wanna know. But ah do know that things can't just stay like this. Everything changes, Rem. And this won't last forever. There's some kinda resolution right around the corner. Ah don't know if it's good or bad, but at least it guaranteed to end. Once that happens, we can all start movin' on from it, get over it. Everything's wrong right now, but yoah not gonna be miserable foah the rest of yoah life. You'll find a way to be happy again, no matter what. It'll be baby steps. First you'll realize that you haven't even thought about it in an hour, then a day. You'll wake up one mornin' and it'll be a distant memory. Yoah gonna be ok."

I held her tighter. "I hope yo' right."

She squeezed once, den pulled away. "Have ah ever been wrong?" She raised an eyebrow, challenging me to answer.

I smiled. "Course not."

She smiled back at me broadly. "There, that's mah Remy. Now jus' forget all this other crap foah a few minutes, just long enough foah me to get a picture, ok? Pretend it's a normal day, where ah'm being all sweetness to you and yoah drivin' me crazy foah no reason."

"Dat is not a normal day."

She snapped a shot while I was mid sentence, retorting, "It is from where ah'm standin'."

I felt a grin pulling up at de corners. "Well apparently, yo' standing in an alternate reality. I'm de charming one. Yo' de one wit' a temperament problem."

She snapped anuddah shot. "Yeah, smoking in yoah room and flickin' butts out the window is a real winnin' trait."

"Apparently so. Got you feeling all nostalgic at least."

"Swamp rat."

"River rat."

"You'll never get that to stick. Swamp rat just rolls off the tongue better." She did a double-take as she realized de horrible set up she'd jus' provided.

"I'd be willing to test dat theory." I winked at her. She snapped another shot, red face scowling.

"The things ah put up with…"

"My heart goes out to yo' suffering."

She stuck her tongue out, but said not'ing. Point me.

"So am I gon' get an even trade fo' all dis cooperation? Or should I jus' have my agent send you de bill?"

She raised her eyebrows. "You want mah picture?"

"Seems fair."

"Well it's not. It was mah idea. And yoah more photogenic."

"Sometimes, but I'm not exactly dressed to impress here."

It was true. My clothes were wrinkled, my hair was a little disheveled, and I was…less dan clean shaven. Normally I pride myself on showmanship, but dat hadn't been on my priority list lately.

"Ah think the rugged look works just fine foah ya."

I rolled my eyes. She snapped annudah picture. "We're getting off subject." I darted forward, snatched de camera and immediately started snapping away.

"Hey! Stop that! Geez!" She tried to grab it back, but quickly realized she couldn'. So she crossed her arms over her chest and stood there looking grumpy.

I stopped. "I admit dat's de look I get from you mos' often, but s' not quite de you I was hoping to remember."

She put her arms at her sides, smiled broadly, and her voice was chipper when she said, "Jerk."

I laughed and snapped a shot. We carried on dis way fo' a while, until we heard a little voice.

"Um, if you want, I could take a picture of you guys together."

Lil' Jubilee took a few paces forward, holding up a book defensively.

"Sorry, I was doing a little research, waiting to put my book back. Couldn't help but overhear."

Her face was being deliberately friendly. I felt my good humor withdraw a little bit, still defensive.

Rogue looked a little embarrassed, glancing back and forth between us, trying to get a read on de situation.

Jubilee shrugged. "Just a thought."

"Um, sure." Rogue handed her the camera, and came to stand by me.

We stood awkwardly side by side, not touching and smiling dumbly.

Jubilee was not patient wit' our complex emotional states. "Oh come on. You're together aren't you? Friggen look that way. This isn't 'American Gothic'."

Rogue and I smiled at Jubilee, grateful fo' her seeming normalness, and den at each uddah. I put one arm around her shoulders, and Jubilee snapped a shot befo' we could look back.

She looked at the mini screen gleefully. "Definitely a keeper. I'm a genius."

She snapped a couple more, but I had to ask. I don't know if it's her youth or disposition, but it's easier to be frank wit' Jubes. "Jubilee, why are you being nice?"

Shrugging, she snapped anuddah shot. Rogue pressed, "Really. You know everyone else is so upset. No point you gettin' on anyone's bad side."

"Look, I don't know how I'm supposed to act, ok? Everyone's freaked out, but no one seems to really understand what happened. Believe it or not, I have a lot of my own stuff going on right now: I can't keep track of everyone else's drama. I'm just going to mind my own business and try not to ask too many questions. So don't start in on me. Here, that oughta be enough to work with."

Jubilee tossed the camera to me, put her book on the shelf, and den turned and walked away.

Rogue shook her head and looked at me. "Ah can't tell if that girl is really simple, or really complicated."

"She and Logan were made fo' each uddah."

Rogue chuckled. "Well thanks foah the pictures. Ah'll get put them on the computer tonight and see if ah can't get 'em printed off."

"Don't you delete anyt'ing."

She put one hand behind her back. "Ah would never."

I took a deep breath befo' using my secret weapon. "Please."

"Dangit. That's cheatin'."

I smiled. "Whatever works."

As our little appointment wound to a close, de brief but blissful sense o' denial started to shimmer and fade. Dere was a reason we were doing dis: tomorrow I was leaving. We would be separated, and no one knew if we would ever really come back togeddah. Our eyes locked in quiet acknowledgment of dis fact.

In a way, our short game of pretend was helpful. It was relieving to get my mind off t'ings, even if only fo' a few minutes. It was comforting to be near Rogue, have her close, even jus' one moment. I knew dat if t'ings went bad, maybe someday down de road I'd be t'ankful fo' dis one last glowing memory, dat maybe it'd be all the sweeter because I'd known it was ending, dat dis was de last time: I'd appreciated it on a whole new level.

In anuddah way, it made everyt'ing worse, sharper. Dis moment was a goodbye. She had dug down deep to give me dis. She'd swallowed all her doubts and fears to give me just a few more minutes. I was grateful, but it wasn' enough, nowhere near. Dat was selfish, maybe, but true. I felt de first panicky pangs of desperation try to surface.

Most o' me wanted to beg and plead pathetically, but de smaller, stronger part knew dat what was best fo' me wasn' necessarily best fo' Rogue or anybody else. She would decide what was best fo' her and let me know when she was ready. I hoped I would be ready befo' she was.

At least she wanted my picture. Dere was some small optimism in dat. Not enough to really be hope, but still.

She broke the gaze first. "Well, it's gettin' late. Lots to do tomorrow."

"Yeah."

We stood a moment longer, and her face started to look conflicted again. Finally she spoke. "Ah'll see you tomorrow, right?'

"I don' know. Do you wan' to? Dis isn' a bad place to leave t'ings."

She considered. "Ah think…ah'll let you decide."

I nodded. "D'accord."

Our words hung briefly, and then she started to turn to go. Some o' de t'ings I was trying to suppress snapped all de sudden and I hurried to stop her.

She looked up at me, startled and concerned, but I couldn' stop myself as I pulled her into my arms tightly.

"I love you, Rogue. I'm gon' miss you all de time. I know you got to do what's best, and I know you don' know how you feel right now. I don' know what you'll decide, but if you ever need me, or wan' me, even if its ten years from now, I'll be dere. I'll be waiting."

I kissed her hair fiercely, and then released her abruptly. I couldn' trust myself much farther than this, so I kept my eyes on my feet as I hurried away and back to my room.

I took my jacket off and forced my body to lay still on de sheets, hoping my mind would follow.

I laid in de bed, and finally surrendered, let my mind caress all de memories I would miss. I knew dere would be plenty o' time fo' dis once I left. I had told myself I would wait til' I was at least out o' sight. But de time wit' Rogue had left me too raw to argue wit' myself.

I t'ought o' de thrill o' de missions. Sure dey weren't much fun in de moment, but de adrenaline, de rush: it was fun to look back on. It felt good when it was over, to be dere among friends. Somet'ing about someone saving yo' tail makes you more fond o' dem.

I t'ought about Leslie and Jack: people I'd saved. I might uddahwise be a black mass o' sin, but dose two bright spots no one could take away from me.

I t'ought o' de people here: smoking wit' Logan, programming wit' Hank, competing in de danger room. I t'ought o' de way Bobby's face twisted into a wicked grin when we t'ought up de exploding ice wall. I t'ought about de way de Professor looked at me, like he really expected great t'ings.

I t'ought about Rogue. Everyt'ing.

I had decided befo' I even got back dat I wouldn' see her in de morning. I'd leave quietly.

By sun-up, her pull had gotten de better o' me. She was becoming an addiction. Dis could really be de end o' everyt'ing. It probably was. Shouldn' I get every moment I could? Could anyone begrudge me dat?

De sun came around too quickly, ever my enemy. I had no more excuses. Dis was it. My own personal apocalypse.

I had rented a car a day or two ago. Generic SUV. Not'ing to draw too much attention. Jus' somet'ing wit' horsepower dat sits high.

I started carrying my bags downstairs. I put dem in de trunk, and den pulled out onto de drive so as to not block de uddah cars. People would be up soon, and I didn' wan' to force anyone to say anyt'ing to me. I decided it probably wouldn' hurt anyt'ing to grab some coffee, since I hadn' been sleeping well lately and it was a long drive, but Rogue rushed out to meet me befo' I made it back inside.

I almos' smiled.

"T'ought you were gon' let me decide?"

"Yeah, well ah owed you some pictures." She shoved her hand out, holding a white envelope.

I took dem from her hesitantly. "Oh. T'anks. I almos' forgot."

She smiled. "And ah couldn't stand it."

I smiled back. We jus' looked at one anuddah, not sure what to say.

Bout den, Logan came tearing out de front door, followed closely by Scott, Jean and Jubilee.

"Logan stop! You can't do this! The team needs you. This is no time for a temper tantrum!" Scott called, tried to keep up.

Logan headed over to my car, plowing between me and Rogue. We bot' took a step back, and looked at each uddah confused. He jerked the trunk open violently, and threw a green sack inside.

"Please, Logan think about what you're doing. No one wants you to leave!" Jean pleaded wit' him.

Rogue turned to Logan. "Yoah leavin? Now?"

Logan was curt. "Yep."

Rogue looked at him wide-eyed, "Why? Are ya gonna be gone long?"

He snorted. "That's not up to me."

Scott's tone was unforgiving. "Logan's seems to have some kind of ethical dilemma that he thinks is more important that the team and the people we're trying to save."

"No one asked fer yer opinion, and I don't care fer yer attitude. You ready or not, Cajun?"

I jumped, uttering an ungraceful, "What?!"

Rogue jumped back in, "Whoa whoa whoa everybody. Why do we have to be so rash? Why can't we work something out? What's the problem?"

Logan kept his eyes on Scott. "Gambit's the problem."

Isn't he always?

Jubilee groaned, "Logan disagrees with Gambit being suspended from the team, so he's being totally lame about it and trying to leave. Seriously Logan, don't you think this is kind of overkill? You'll accomplish more by staying here and annoying Scott."

Rogue looked at Logan wide-eyed, and then uttered her own "What?!"

Logan slammed de trunk door and stalked over to de group.

"Let me say this once, using small words, so you can all understand. If we're gonna start throwing X-men out based on what they did before they got here, then we're down half the team. Yeah, Gambit's done some bad stuff. Rogue was with the Brotherhood. Storm was a pickpocket fer cryin' out loud! I'm missing half my memories and I still know I'm no saint. I don't believe in double standards. If this is really yer decision, then me leaving is just saving everyone some time."

Jean piped up, "Logan, it's not just that. There's also the conflict of interest between he and Ororo to consider."

"Don't all of you hide behind Storm! She made her decision, she gave the ultimatum, let her eat it! Storm's just the most convenient excuse. I thought this was a safe place for mutants to come and get a fresh start, as long as they came here in good faith. I was wrong. This is a place where good little boys and girls get their reward and sneer down their noses at the rest of us because we've had tougher choices. This place isn't what I thought it was, and I have no business here."

"Seriously Wolvie, I get why you're upset and everything, but can't you at least wait until after we get back from Antarctica? I mean, we need you! What am I supposed to do with you gone?" Jubilee seemed genuinely upset by the t'ought o' him leaving.

Logan's face softened as he looked at her. "Look kid, it's simple. Soon as Scotty and Chuck come to their senses, they'll ask Gumbo here to come back. Soon as that happens, I'll be back too. Hopefully they get it together before the Antarctica trip, but if they don't, bring me back a penguin. In the meantime, you got other friends."

He looked meaningfully at Rogue. Rogue watched him fo' a moment, and den nodded. She jerked her chin subtlely at me, and Logan nodded.

"Logan, you're crossing the line with this." Scott tossed at him harshly.

Logan ignored him, walking around de front o' de car and opening de passenger door.

"I'll ask you again, you ready or not, Cajun?"

I turned. "Logan, I don' wan' to cause all dis. Yo' happy here."

"You didn't cause anything. One-eye over there did. I'm looking forward to the thought of him sleeping on that. Now shut up and get in."

Logan got in and shut de door behind him. Scott turned and stormed back toward de house. Jean stared almos' longingly after Logan fo' jus' a moment longer, and den followed him. I didn' know what to do.

"Go on, Remy. It's no use when he's made up his mind," Rogue said gently.

Jubilee stepped up on the other side o' her, jaw set. "Men are such scum."

Rogue smiled apologetically as she put her arm around Jubes.

I was still reluctant to go, but I knew now was de time. "T'anks, Rogue. Fo' everyt'ing."

Her face turned serious. "You too, Remy."

Logan leaned over and honked the horn, making everyone jump.

"You big jerk!" Jubilee yelled at him through de glass.

I looked at her fo' one more second before I got in de car and cranked it up.

20