Bologna 121 – Your reviews always make me smile, but that last one was unfair. I don't know if this seems weird, probably does, but I was really touched that you were thinking about my story yesterday on the way home. That was an enormous compliment. I feel like I should send you a card or something, but I fear a simple thank you will have to do for the moment. Lol. I'm really glad you liked the camera scene. I was worried it would seem too forced for them to be lighthearted amidst everything going on, but I just can't stand torturing them for long. Thanks for reading and the review!

Gidgeygirl – Thank you for your kind review! I'm glad you're backing Logan. He's just…awesome…all the time. I swear, it's hard for me to take credit for some things. Logan is such an amazing character its like he writes himself. I go to get a cup of coffee, and when I come back there's a new paragraph of Logan dialogue, magically. Lol. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy this latest installment!

Red Skippy – lol! I'm glad you liked the penguin line. I laughed really hard when I thought of it, but I'm easy to please so that's not saying much. He's such a smart aleck, but in a totally different way than our Cajun hero. I'm as excited as anyone to see how they get along in the coming chapters! Thank you for always reading and reviewing. I'm always excited to hear what you think!

Shandy – I am so happy you're still enjoying the story, even though the relationship is in a bit of an awkward phase. I must confess, one of the reasons this story seems so unpredictable is because I do very little planning. I mean, I have some key elements lined up in my head, but a lot of the little scenes and dialogue are very spur of the moment. I find I get bored if I know all the answers before I actually go to the trouble of writing them down. Lol. I'm glad all the improvisation seems to come across as natural and realistic. Your reviews always make me breathe easier, so thank you immensely. So yes, I am very excited to see how Logan and Remy get along. I imagine I'll be laughing a lot. And yeah, part of my motivation for sending Logan is to prevent this story from sinking into a pure depression. I hope it works out the way I hope. Remy and Rogue are parted, which I hate, but I'm hoping our peripheral characters act as mild painkillers so we won't feel it as hard. Thanks as always for reading and for your review!

SparklesInTheSun – your enthusiasm made me laugh a long time! I think you did leave me one other review a while back, and I'm very pleased to get another one! You overwhelm me with all this praise. I know you can't tell through typing, but I'm actually having some trouble coming up with some way of responding. I'm really glad you seem to have such extreme confidence in all the different elements of this story coming together. I have to say, I've been writing it so long that when I look back to the early parts some stuff makes me cringe, but I really enjoy writing it. I swear I won't abandon it or leave it unfinished. I need this to be complete as much as anyone, though I have to admit I'll be a little sad when it's all said an done. But we have a while to go before that happens! Yay! Thank you for reading and your kind review. I hope this latest chapter lives up to your lofty expectations.

Part 28: No Quarter

This was a scene out of a bad movie. Me and Jubilee, standin' in the driveway, watching the SUV fade out of sight with our men inside. At least ah wasn't out here alone. With Jubilee here, it was at least easier to pretend ah wasn't "that girl".

"You know what really pisses me right off?" Jubilee started after the dejected silence had stretched long enough, "A part of me is really surprised they left us. Stupid. Of course they did. It sounds exactly like something they would do."

Her feelings were all foah Logan, but she threw out the plural in an effort to include me. We were some kinda friends, but we both knew we preferred our men to each other. Jubilee took foah granted that we were feeling the same things: we needed each other, while they were gone at least. Ah sighed, wishin' mah feelings were as simple as Jubilee's: anger, sadness, worry, sour grapes. Those feelings were enough foah anybody.

The truth was it had taken everythin ah had, mah very best effort to create that last memory foah me and Remy. In a way, our moment in the library had been wonderful. In another way, it was dishonest. Both of us had been performing, and ah don't know who was hidin' more.

"Well, look on the bright side…at least they didn't run off alone, like they usually do."

Ah had to admit, most of mah feelings contradicted each other and confused me, but at least one of them had been clear: ah was relieved that Logan was with Remy. Sure, ah felt like more than half mah life had just driven off with both of them leavin' at once, and ah had no guarantees that either one of them would enjoy the company, but ah knew that Remy was safe with Logan around.

In some small way, this knowledge was helpful. It meant that ah really did care about what happened to Remy.

Ah know it seems callous foah me to have even wondered whether ah did or not, but let me give you a peek inside mah head at this time.

Even if ah hadn't known any of the people involved, the vision that had spewed out of Caliban's memory was sickening, terrifying, and a bunch of other adjectives no one's thought of yet. But it wasn't just havin' to watch, but experience it.

On some rational level, ah knew that it would take me a while to fully separate Caliban from me. It always takes a while to make some room foah somebody new, and his personality was at its strongest when ah absorbed it. Foah this reason, and until ah was confident in mah control of him, ah couldn't trust mahself.

At least that battle was familiar-ish. It didn't help that whatever feelings really were mine, they were some of the most intense and complicated ah had ever experienced, and the person ah absorbed was in a similar predicament. Ah wondered how there was even space in mah skull foah everythin. I went from loving Remy, to hating him, to feeling like he didn't deserve to be loved, to feeling guilty foah not loving him more. I would feel mad, then betrayed, then sickened, then just lost, alone and jaded, all because of Remy, the very person ah wanted to come and hold me because ah was feelin' down.

Ah had determined that ah could not in good conscience take any action at all until ah sorted it all out. Problem was, ah didn't want to.

The Professor had called me into his office yesterday. It was just after ah figured out that Remy would be leavin' the next day. Ah was surprised: the Professor had been so busy we hadn't seen much of him lately. When ah went in, ah barely recognized the place, what with the mess. The Professor's normally on the meticulous side. Now there were papers stacked everywhere, computers hotwired together, all running. It looked like a war zone.

Ah had sat down in front of the next, keeping mah professional face on. Ah figured it was some kind of mission-related summons, and ah was determined to keep at least the X-woman part of mah life on a good note.

Ah was surprised when the Professor rolled over near me, and looked almost sheepish.

"Rogue, I feel like I am making a terrible breach in etiquette in doing this, but I find I am unable to restrain myself."

Ah raised mah eyebrows, unsure of what to expect. "What's on yoah mind?"

Groaning, he mumbled, "What indeed? I must confess, my concern is more with your thoughts."

"Um…ah'm a little confused right now, if ya wanna know. Did you have somethin' more specific?"

He nodded, bashful again, like a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "You must understand, Rogue, I am truly sorry. I do my very best to respect privacy and exercise control, but I am only human, after all, and there are times when even I-,"

He sounded like he was getting ready to spin off on a Beast-like tangent, so ah cut him off. "Xavier? You don't have to sugah-coat things foah me. Just…well, tell me what's up in words that ah might actually be able to understand."

Ah watched him, startin to feel apprehensive at his stress level. The Professor is normally calm by nature, what could have him actin' so guilty? And what did it have to do with me?

"Well…I would just like you to keep in mind that my intrusion was completely accidental, and I apologize for any inconvenient it may cause. I debated whether to address the issue with you or merely keep it to myself, but I couldn't ignore everything in good conscience, if there was something I could do."

"Professor? Words ah can understand?"

He chuckled a little, almost nervously. "I do apologize. My apprehensiveness is making you ill-at-ease, which serves neither of us. But you can be a bit…sensitive about your personal space."

"Um, at the risk of soundin' impatient: less with the apologizin', more with the explainin', perhaps?"

He sighed and clasped his hands together, forcin' his words to stop until he'd gotten a better handle on them. His eyes told me he wanted to go right on apologizin', but he managed to stop himself. Ah tried to make mah expression more approachable. Didn't think ah'd see the day when ah needed to reassure the good Professor. Weird.

"You see Rogue, I…unwittingly and unintentionally stumbled onto some of your thoughts."

Ah closed mah eyes. Ah didn't want to talk. Maybe when ah opened them he'd be gone. He wasn't.

"You see Rogue, there is always an element of human error in controlling our mutant abilities. I am happy to say, particularly with the nature of my gifts, that mine are usually well in hand. But essentially, control means learning to ignore the hundreds of little dialogues within my…other hearing. But Rogue…I'm sorry…but lately you've been shouting. I've been doing my best to ignore you, not to intrude, but the sound is jarring. I've been nearly tempted to cover my ears, as though it would help."

Ah steeled mah face. Ah wasn't mad, but ah simply couldn't talk about this. Not yet, and not here.

"Ah'm sorry."

"No no! You have nothing to apologize for. It's not something you did deliberately, not something you can help."

"Well Ah'll try to keep it down. Is there anything ah can do to make it easier foah you?"

His eyes went wide as though startled, "You're trying to make the cacophony in your mind easier for me?"

Ah shrugged.

"Rogue I did not call you here to give you a wordy 'shh". I asked you to come because I thought I might be able to help."

"Professor, ah understand that you didn't mean to overhear. Ah'm not mad, but ah can't do this right now. Ah'm sorry, ah just can't."

The Professor interlaced his fingers and put them in his lap. "What exactly is it you're unwilling to do?"

Ah fixed him with mah gaze and said bluntly. "Talk."

He nodded. "I expected as much, but that's not what I was referring to."

Ah cocked one eyebrow. "Yoah confusin' me again."

"Most of what I overheard…is simply not my business. I am perfectly aware that I am not one of the premier people you would turn to for a heart-to-heart."

"So Ah'm here because?"

He took a deep breath. "There is one recurring theme that I think I can address in other ways, if you are willing to accept my help. You are frustrated by Caliban. He masks all your thoughts. I believe I could help you isolate his influence, so you can better handle…everything else."

Ah answered too quickly. "No. Thanks but no. You've got enough on yoah plate. I can deal with this on mah own."

He cocked his head to one side. "Rogue, you and the rest of the X-men…you are my X-men. You have priority over anything else. You need not concern yourself with my effort in all this. I am more than happy to provide any help I can. In fact, it would do me a great good to have you in better condition."

"Because of the mission?" Ah asked, a slight note of dread creepin' into mah voice as ah wondered if he would try to talk me into it, knowin' that if ah was a liability to the rest of team, ah couldn't argue.

He seemed almost frustrated. Ah respected him foah that. Ah was confusin' him, and though he could easily go after the answers he wanted at any time, he waited foah me to explain.

"No. Because I have a vested interest in helping those I care about."

Ah chewed mah lip. How could ah possibly explain this?

"Thanks Professor…really. You've always been kinder to me than ah deserve. Ah appreciate you wantin' to help and all…"

"But you won't accept my help in this."

Ah looked at the ground guiltily.

"You know I will never force you to do something you are averse to. But...your thoughts Rogue. I am just hearing the reverberation, and it is…difficult to bear. I don't understand."

Ah twisted mah fingers. Ah couldn't find the words. If Caliban were contained, everythin would undoubtedly be clearer. Why shouldn't ah want that?

"Professor…Ah don't know how to explain. Ah know normally you would be opposed…and ah know its not a pleasant place to be right now…but ah'd appreciate if you just read mah mind. Ah don't know how to put mah thoughts into words."

He considered this foah a moment, frowning. "Are you certain? You don't have to answer me, I was not trying to interrogate."

"Ah know. Ah just…figure you deserve some kind of explanation foah what you've heard."

He looked at me hard, judging. Suddenly his body relaxed, and his eyes unfocused. It lasted only a moment befoah he started and leaned back suddenly in his chair, gripping the arm rests.

He shook his head and gave me an apologetic smile. "I see." He pondered a moment longer. "I…understand."

Ah nodded. "Thank you." Ah rose to go.

"I will not bring it up again, but if you should change your mind…when you are ready for the answer, Rogue, my offer stands."

His words felt like ice water. "Ah appreciate that. Ah'll let you know."

Yes, with Caliban gone everythin' would be clearer…and ah didn't know if ah would still love Remy.

Ah wanted to. Ah had put a little distance between us, because it felt wrong to go through the motions of being close and supportive when ah couldn't give it mah all. Remy was perceptive, ah figured it would hurt him worse to know ah was pretending.

But still, when Remy was around, some part of me loved some part of him. It wasn't a happy feeling: it hurt now, but ah felt like mah life depended on that desperate pull. The confusion was infuriatin', but ah worried that with it gone…everythin' else would disappear too.

Ah had to figure out what ah felt, but ah wasn't ready to know. Ah wanted desperately to care about Remy. He had become the biggest and brightest part of mah life.

But in an instant, he had also become the darkest.

His presence here still made the part of me that was attached hum. It occurred to me that him leavin' might make it go quiet foah good. The thought made mah throat tighten and mah eyes sting. That's the stupid thing about tears, once you let a few out, they get harder to control.

That's when ah thought of it: if only there was a way to still see him. To be with him, sometimes. If only ah had a picture.

Ah had no right to ask him, what with havin' been so off lately while he needed me most desperately. At one point ah had been happy to have this opportunity to prove mahself to him. Ah had failed miserably.

The scheme had come together in mah head. Ah figured it would do us both good to have one last memory of what we had hoped to be. Maybe it would be enough to carry us through this next patch. Ah had swallowed everythin else, and given him that.

Ah meant to leave it there, but that small part of me was desperate to see his face the next mornin'. Unfortunately ah couldn't swallow all the other stuff a second time, and ah had been unsure of what the goodbye would be.

In a way ah was grateful foah Logan. He had interrupted it. The group setting had made it impossible to have emotional honesty of any kind.

"Some bright side. This just plain ol' sucks, Rogue." Jubilee had set her dial to "fume", and was perfectly content to stay there foah now. Ah understood. If anyone's guilty of using anger to cover everythin' else…

Ah sighed and punched her in the shoulder amicably. "Looks like it's just you an me now, Jubes. Guess we have no choice but to go back in and get back to work."

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to the danger room to kick Logan's virtual butt."

Ah laughed. "Good luck with that, sugah."

As we went back through the door of the mansion, ah took one last look down the road. Ah knew it was gonna hit me. Ah knew there was no time, and nothin' ah could do. Ah had to dedicate everythin' ah had to Antarctica, to the mission. Bury mahself.

Ah should be used to it. Ah had been, at one point. But it was hard to pull mah mask back up, frayed as it was at the edges.

Ah knew that at some point everythin' ah was wrestlin' with would settle, pull, and finally snap. Ah didn't know what would be left when that happened. Ah was terrified of it, remembering all the other times mah life had disintegrated befoah mah eyes, and knowin' that this could be worse than all of 'em put together.

But not yet. Not yet.

Ah let the numbness of that empty road settle down on me, imagined it spreadin' like anesthetic through mah arms, legs, mind, heart and soul. Ah let it harden there like cement, vaguely amused that Antarctica was the least challenging problem ah had to face.

Ah held onto that feeling, lettin' it carry me through the next few days. It slipped once.

Ororo came back, and brought a guest.

We held a team meeting to debrief on our various kinds of progress. Hank had inadvertently triggered one of the processors security protocols: he and Mystique were tryin' to undo it with limited success.

British and American governments had made a sort of peace gesture, alerting their facilities in Antarctica to cooperate with us. They would monitor our mission and strategize based on our findings. They, along with Russia and Japan had agreed to give us a limited financial reimbursement as security contractors. Magneto had thinly veiled his contempt at the half gesture, but any help was good help at this point. The Professor had managed to keep all contractual agreements tied to him individually, separate from the school.

We had chartered two DASH-7 aircrafts to take us from the Falkland Islands to the base, seeing as we simply lacked space and resources to transport our team, our allies, and the Brotherhood. The Blackbird's modifications were complete, and it was currently being shipped down. Scott would be the pilot for the Blackbird, he'd been training in flight simulations with our other two pilots, Mystique and Pietro.

Jean had been busy calling in all the peripheral people we had. Betsy, Warren, Bishop and some names ah didn't know as well, like Forge and Polaris. She hadn't gotten all the responses yet, but she was feeling optimistic.

Ororo walked in, interrupting with an announcement. She was steeled to the gills, usin' a regal manner that she had probably acquired as a goddess in South Africa. Those who knew 'Ro well knew this was largely a defense mechanism: it was just a good one. Her stance was one that made lesser men cower.

"I understand that my association with the Morlocks has interfered with my role with the X-men. I make no apology for this, only acknowledge it. I have cost us a valuable resource at a time that we need to pool everything we have, and for that, I do apologize. I know many of you are unable to reconcile my decision, and while I respect your objection, it is final. However, in a gesture of good faith I will try to minimize the negative impact on the team. I have brought another set of hands to aid us in our expedition."

With the ring of authority in her voice, she stepped aside.

A woman stepped up reluctantly on the other side. She was medium height, wiry, with a decided aggressive manner about her. Her magenta hair was close cropped, and her tattered clothes were further abused by the ivory spikes jutting out of her back.

Ah recognized her and felt mah jaw drop. "You brought her here??"

Ororo fixed me with a glare like lightening. "She is the best fighter I have. It is a great honor that she is offered." She turned her gaze, no more friendly, to Marrow. "And considering that the Morlocks must share me with the Xavier Institute, I think it is wise they come to know better what exactly it is we do here, and what kind of people we are."

Scott rubbed his forehead with two fingers. "She hasn't had any training. Combat is all well and good, but she's not prepared for the climate. We've got enough to deal with without having an extra liability."

"Then let her handle communications, or take up excess duties here at the mansion. Or give her a run through the danger room and see how she fares. You lead this team, Scott. Use her however you see fit."

Scott looked pointedly at me befoah turning back to 'Ro with a look that seemed to ask "are you stupid?" Ah worked on getting mah mouth to close.

"I have no assurances that she can be trusted, Storm. This just isn't the time. If the Morlocks want to make it up to us, we'll deal with that later."

"We have no assurances that we can trust the Brotherhood either, Scott. That hasn't seemed to exclude them."

"Ok, you want me to be blunt? Gambit's not the only one affected by the Morlocks' presence here. We already lost him and Logan on their account. I can't lose any more key members, and having her here will jeopardize more than we stand to gain."

Storm retained her defiant posture, mincing no words. "Perhaps we should just ask Rogue what she thinks before we assume she can't handle it."

Scott's jaw clenched painfully tight as he glowered at Ororo, but he couldn't argue. After a few tense seconds, they turned to look at me.

Ah didn't know what to say, put on the spot like that. Ah tried to put some kind of logic in order, but befoah ah could, Jubilee jumped in.

"This is such crap! Why do the damn Morlocks get seniority around here all the sudden? We have no obligations to them, how about they stay on their turf, stop causing problems for us, and Storm can pick a stupid side, since she's the one all tangled up in their weird sci-fi politics, rather than making all of us do it!"

Storm turned the full force of her glare on Jubilee, who stuck her chin out defiantly, but leaned back in her chair all the same.

"How about those of us who know something about this situation come to consensus, and those who don't refrain from speaking."

Jubilee sneered, but all attention came back to me.

"Rogue, say the word, and this matter will be closed," Scott threw out for Storm's benefit.

Ah floundered around foah some kinda answer, happy to see that mah only options regardless of what ah wanted was bound to piss someone off. Ah must've really done a number in a past life to have karma this bad.

Ah remembered with no small measure of relief that Marrow was not in mah version of the massacre, but still…with Remy gone, and her here, would it tip the scales in their favor? Would it be easier foah me to remember the version of him that ah hated rather than the one ah loved? Marrow certainly had no lost love foah Remy: she'd taken violent action against him when they showed up on the lawn.

It occurred to me suddenly that Marrow had said nothin' this whole time. No one had asked her a single question, they just gave the matter entirely to me.

Ah addressed her. "Do you really want to be here?"

Storm cast a glance back at her, one ah couldn't see. Marrow's lips pressed into a hard line.

"I want to be wherever my leader sends me. I am loyal to my people."

Totally unhelpful.

"But this won't be easy, no matter what task yoah given."

She looked at me as though ah were bein' redundant. Ah watched her, tryin' to get some sense of the woman, figure out if she was someone ah could deal with or not. Her eyes had a bright spark of intelligence, but there was nothin' soft or invitin' about her. This was all the more strange because somethin' in me expected there to be. Completely illogical.

All at once, ah realized that there was somethin' familiar about her. Ah scanned quickly, superficially through mah false memories. Ah didn't remember any particular reference to her from Caliban. His personality was somewhere though, maybe that was responsible foah the strange draw ah felt towards this otherwise completely abrasive stranger.

Ah tried to think of a question that might get a more telling answer. "How do you feel about us?"

"I don't know you."

"Yes, but you know of us. You know what we stand foah. You know the kinds of things we do. What do you think of us?"

She watched me, weighin' me with her eyes, obviously suspicious. She was a little paranoid, ah thought.

"I think you're stupid. Stupid to think that the thing you want can be accomplished. But your stupidity compels you to do good things for mutants. It would be self-defeating for me, as a mutant, to dislike you."

We watched each other warily, like two predators in the wild, each wondering what the other was capable of, what their motivations were.

After a time of measurin' each other, ah decided to ask the question no one wanted to, the one that made all the difference. Ah pulled mah numbness back around me as thickly as ah could manage, hopin' it would be enough to shield me through this.

"You know that…Gambit was part of our team." Ah tried to say his name without picturin' him. Ah had enough to figure out with this woman standin' in front of me. Ah couldn't handle the Remy tug-o-war at the same time.

"I know that you did not know him like you thought. You removed him. I have no reason to hold a grudge for your ignorance."

"Yes, but not everyone here agreed with the decision. He may not be part of the team, but there are those of us here who are still his friends."

She grimaced, but said nothing. Storm held her in a steady gaze.

"It is very important to us to save the mutants who were taken by the Sentinels. Many lives depend on our success, and we take that very seriously."

"I have no wish to see harm visited upon fellow mutants."

"Is that motivation enough? We need to know that we can count on everyone involved to give everythin' they've got. Are you capable of that? Knowing that you'll be workin' beside the friends of your enemy? We won't tolerate any aggression toward him."

Ah had wondered if she would get mad, but she tilted her head to one side as she looked at me, and somethin' passed over her face so quickly ah couldn't recognize it.

"So you're the devil's woman?"

Ah steeled mah face all the harder. "Ah think that title gives me some undue importance, but it doesn't change mah question."

Her eyes searched mah face almost curiously. "I cannot expect the rest of the world to share in my grudges. He has done wrong by our people, not by you: we need no help hating him. For now we have a bargain with him, and until the bargain is settled he is sheltered from what he deserves. So long as he is not personally present," her gaze turned icy as she stared me down, "I am perfectly in control of myself."

Ah swallowed. "He won't be here."

She studied me one last time, nodded, and then cast her gaze disinterestedly at the floor.

Ah addressed the team. "If you have a use foah her, Scott, then she can stay."

Jubilee's mouth became a round "o", Storm threw me a ghost of a smile in the way of thanks, and Scott only stared at me a moment. Ah leaned back in mah chair, crossed mah arms over mah chest, and retreated into mah mental anesthetic.

Scott continued the meeting as though Storm had never interrupted. We were goin' to have one team stay at the base, keepin' communications up between the A-team and the outside world. A-team would be the real muscle, bravely headin' out to face whatever was comin'. B-team would be reserved as backup. While we wanted as many hands on deck as possible, we didn't want to compromise everyone at the same time by moving together, particularly if we found out it was a doomed mission. They were still debating the placement of a few key members, and hoped to have final placements within the next few days.

Ah paid attention, but it was like watchin' a movie on a screen: ah wasn't all there.

Eventually Ororo came and sat on the other side of me from Jubilee. Scott kept talkin', but 'Ro stared at me long enough that ah couldn't ignore it. Ah slowly raised mah eyes to meet hers.

Her face held a blatant apology. She was sorry, and more importantly she had a reason that she wanted to give me at a more opportune moment.

Ah stared back at her coolly. A part of me understood that she was doin' the best she could, that she was tryin' to balance all her ties so everyone could come out ahead. But another part was too tired of blow after blow, tired of makin' excuses and acceptin' that things had to be the way they were.

Mah life always had to orient itself around everyone else's convenience it seemed. Sure, take mah mind. Take mah heart. Take mah best friend. Take Remy. You all must need those things more than me.

Put me on the spot. Invite mah problems foah a visit. Keep secrets from me. Lie to me. Hurt me, if it makes things a little easier foah ya. If that doesn't work, leave me.

Once you've tried all that, ask me to be strong. Ask me to shoulder everything with dignity. Ask me to stand tall and take on the impossible. That's not unreasonable, is it?

Sorry 'Ro, but Ah'm at mah limit. Today ah have nothing left to give. You want me to let you know everythin's fine and ah understand. You want a smile, and ah don't have one left.

Ah know its not all yoah fault, and ah'll probably feel bad later, but ah don't have a bigger person in me right now. Ah don't care what you want, or need. Today, we are not friends.

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