SPARK187 – Thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I had so many subplots for this thing that I didn't quite bring home, but I love Nightcrawler and have plans to use him better in future stories. Looking forward to hearing what else jumps out at you.
KuramaIs4Me – Thank you again for the kind review! It means a whole lot to have people get caught up in the story that has taken up so much real estate in my mind. I suspect you will enjoy this latest installment.
Part 42: Worth It
It was all very confusin' foah while. Ah had limited awareness. Sometimes mah body felt things but there was no mind to connect. Sometimes mah mind was floatin' aimlessly, untethered and senseless. There was paralyzin' numbness and unspeakable pain, passin' thoughts ah couldn't catch. Whatever ah was, ah was only barely.
What did exist, however scarcely, was urgency. Even without thoughts or feelings or even memory, ah felt there was somethin' ah was supposed to be doin', someone ah was supposed to be.
In the confusin' din of whatever ah was goin' through, ah sometimes had a sense that somethin' or someone was nearby. Very brief pulls of direction in the chaos that came and went. Ah couldn't name it. As hard as ah pulled toward it, ah could never reach it befoah it vanished, leavin' me at the mercy of mah hopeless situation.
The very first thing ah noticed with any lucidity was the quiet. So quiet. It wasn't just the absence of sound, it was a sound unto itself, and one ah hadn't heard foah long, long time. It was an open quiet, like floatin' in space, nothin' in any direction foah miles. Peaceful. There had been so much noise foah so much time. Noise ah'd learned to resist and ignore. Noise ah thought ah hardly heard until suddenly its absence provided such a stark contrast. It felt like the first deep breath ah'd had since…ah don't know when, exactly.
In mah revel and wonder at the quiet, the next thing ah became aware of was any sound that disturbed it. Ah couldn't recall words to place or describe what ah heard at the time, but in hindsight ah heard movement. Other. Someone not out there, but in here with me. Just one. It made me curious. Ah felt somethin' like significance but couldn't hold it long enough to define it. Eventually ah heard other sounds, but these were out there where they belonged. Ah heard them at first only dimly, as though far away behind walls. Sometimes so light ah wondered if ah'd really heard them at all or just imagined it.
With torturous sluggishness ah came back to mahself in bits and pieces. Ah didn't know who ah was or where ah was or even what ah was, but ah began wantin' someone to be aware of me. Ah at least knew ah was someone, distinct from whatever ah was hearin', and that ah was hopelessly lost. Ah didn't remember anythin' about voices or that ah had one. Ah couldn't move. Ah didn't know how to go about makin' mahself known. Ah sat frustrated like that foah while. And then it occurred to me to be scared. What if no one found me?
Then ah heard sounds. Sounds from the other one here. Ah didn't know what they meant. Ah had to mull them over foah a while, like a big puzzle. At last and finally, ah remembered and recognized words.
"Easy, Stripes," that's what that other one said. Ah felt shoah it was said to me. At least someone knew ah was here. It gave me some satisfaction so ah went back to bidin' mah time.
But ah got bored easy. Frustrated again. What was this place? What was even the point? Ah began to feel shoah that ah should be able to make sounds like the other. Ah should be able to move. Ah should be able to do somethin' other than nothin'.
So ah dug down deep, tryin' hard to focus and collect mah energy. Ah was determined to accomplish somethin'.
When ah turned that energy loose with all the force ah could muster, ah managed to reconnect to mah body…and realized ah'd made a big fat mistake.
Ah'd been meanin' to holler, but all that came out of mah jagged, blocked throat was a low, keenin' rasp. Ah managed to move mah arms, or what was left of them, not quite able to lift them. The first real pain landed on me, leavin' me stunned with its potency. It was sharp and stinging and achy and searing. Ah disconnected and retreated immediately with mah metaphorical tail between mah legs.
"Dammit, Rogue, calm down!" the other one seemed to bark at me.
"OW!" ah responded involuntarily.
Ah felt somethin' from the other one. Somethin' elevated. Surprise?
"Rogue?!"
Ah wanted to respond but was afraid to after what just happened. Ah heard some sounds happenin' outside but they were still dull and garbled. Ah couldn't make sense of them. Ah got very suddenly sleepy. Ah felt sorta proud that ah had a name foah it befoah ah went under.
The next time ah had awareness, ah had moah of it. Memory – hints at least. Ah knew ah was a person. Despite the brevity and the pain, bein' in mah body even fleetingly had reminded me of what ah was supposed to be, if not who. As ah pictured the most elementary parts of bein' human, ah started to manifest some kinda form in mah own mind. Ah didn't really know that's what ah was doin', but as ah remembered hands…arms…legs…so they seemed to be. Finally, ah could see because ah remembered that ah could.
Foah a while ah studied mah own self, flexin' mah fingahs, tryin' to make some kinda sense. And then ah realized someone else was studyin' me.
He…it was a he…didn't say anythin', but met mah eyes with hard blue ones. Waitin'. Ah watched him back a while. Ah couldn't think very well, so ah didn't have much to go on. Measurin' him carefully, ah decided to test out mah voice.
Ah fixed him with a very serious look, "Ah…ah like you."
He snorted, "I like you back. Yer makin' progress. Don't push it."
Ah raised a hand to get him to stop. Ah didn't want him to talk so fast. Too hard to keep up. He obliged, seemingly comfortable with the quiet. Ah kept studyin' him, usin' his image to jar moah information.
A man. Dark…hair…blue eyes...gruff...strong...
Good. Safe.
Ah approached him slowly as he waited, holdin' his ground. Ah wanted to reach out but felt very definitively that ah shouldn't touch him. Ah couldn't rightly remember why.
"You…know…me?" Ah asked, takin' great pains to put the words in the right order.
He nodded, "And you know me."
Ah felt irritation because ah figured he must be right but ah was havin' the dangdest time placin' him. Ah wasn't shoah where we were, other than some vague sense it wasn't where we were supposed to be. Ah was…glad he was here…and also not glad.
"You…ok?" Ah managed to eek out.
He frowned and the corners of his eyes tensed. He didn't seem keen on answerin', which ah figured was its own sort of reply.
"You…need…help?" ah tried again.
His frown deepened, "In the shape yer in, kid…really hate that question. Stop."
It was hard foah me to decipher the meanin' of the words as quickly as he said them, but ah felt some kinda disapproval at once that confused me. Ah didn't like it. But even puttin' this much energy forward made me tired again.
"Rest," he encouraged me gently, as though he could sense what ah was feelin'. Ah could hardly argue.
Time passed slyly again without mah noticin'. The next time ah was roused back into lucidity it was from noise outside rather than in. The obscurity of the noise outside was an aggravation. Ah wanted to hear what was goin' on.
As ah strained to try and capture moah, ah reconnected with mah body again by accident. It was still…not good…but not as brutal as befoah. The pain was…manageable. But the discomfort wasn't. Ah couldn't move. Somethin' was stuck down mah throat and mah mouth was dry as a bone. Ah could feel…stuff stuck on me, stuck in mah skin, stuck everywhere, and ah couldn't do anythin' about it. All of it was unnatural feelin', forcin' mah body to do things it apparently didn't want to do. Like breathe. It was claustrophobic.
"Dat Jubilee has a good heart, but she de mos' terrible nurse you ever saw, chere. She's keeping snacks on her like I'm some kind o' stray cat. Dieu! I had to eat a poptart today to buy her off. A poptart! Tante Mattie would be scandalized."
Chere…chere…
"Dr. MacTaggart says yo' getting stronger. Still won' say when I can see you, but I can tell she's considering it. She's smart but not much o' a poker face. Tried to keep dat lil' episode de uddah day under wraps but I hacked into a medical station ages ago – got a live feed. I hope yo' mad about it. I'm a loose cannon, doing jus' as I please wit'out your positive influence. Come on back and be mad at me…"
The voice trailed off a minute. Mah heart was poundin'. Ah wanted it to go on. Eventually it did.
"You two are de last…worrying everybody to death, which I'm sho' you bot' hate. Don' worry, me and Jubilee are taking turns checking in on Logan. Hank and Moira are doing de heavy lifting o' course, but we're keeping him company and making sho' he stays pretty."
That other one grunted in mah head. Ah felt somethin'…funny. It was funny.
"Well, Anna…sweet dreams fo' now."
Ah waited, but the voice stopped. Once it did, ah had to sort furiously to try and remember all the sounds and assign their right meanin'. It was still hard to think fast enough to absorb words.
Ah liked that voice. As hard as it was foah me to undahstand, ah sorely wished it would come back. It was makin' me mad to not be able to fully process what it was sayin'. Ah tried harder to focus…
What was that funny thing? Somethin' about Logan. Poor Logan.
…
Logan…
LOGAN!
"LOGAN!" Ah hollered, immediately snappin' back into mah mind in a panic, searchin'.
"You rang?" he said calmly, still waitin' and watchin' right where ah left him.
"Oh Logan!" ah was relieved beyond belief, and that relief must have done somethin' to activate mah brain. We had been in a small, non-descript area of light, emptiness on all sides. As ah went to Logan and put mah hands on his shoulders, tryin' to reassure mahself he was really real, the world folded out around us. We were out in the gardens of the mansion, sun overhead, city line in the distance. Ah knew who ah was, who he was. Still not quite concrete, but at least solid now.
Logan squinted against the suddenness of the light and put his hands on mah waist to keep his balance.
"You can't help but come with a headache, can ya?"
Ah laughed, "This from the man literally hunkered down inside mah head, refusin' to leave?"
He sighed in relief and pulled me into one of his feral hugs, "There she is. Really here this time. Damn good to see ya, darlin'."
Ah held onto him foah dear life, "Ah owe you hell foah that stunt and yoah gonna get it, but ah'm too happy to see you right now. Gawd, Logan. Yoah the absolute best."
"'Fraid yer gonna have a hard time one-upping yerself after what we've just been through."
Ah pulled back, tryin' to remember everythin'. "How long have we been here?'
"Hell if I know."
Ah looked around. It was the mansion, but all the colors were so vivid and beautiful. Everythin' was beautiful, quiet, peaceful. Just us.
A thought occurred to me that ah couldn't contain, "We're not dead, are we?"
Logan studied me again, tryin' to gauge mah stability, "Fer a minute there, maybe. At least I thought so. But not now."
"Are ya hurt?"
"Didn't feel a thing. Whole place inside yer head collapsed. Didn't hurt, just went dark. Couldn't find ya."
Ah looked down, sortin' through what he was sayin'. "So you were…?"
"Already told ya, quit worrying about me."
"Can we sit down, please?" Mah energy was just awful. It was like ah could only do one thing at a time. Ah finally had enough brain power to start puttin' things in order but no energy to follow through. Maddenin'.
Logan let me go and we sat on the grass. Ah stretched mah legs out in front of me, a little bewildered.
"There's no point pushing. If you need to rest, just rest."
"Ah can't stand that. Ah know ah'm missing pieces and it's all important and ah can't keep floatin' around half conscious."
Logan raised an eyebrow, "Stubborn streak back online, I see."
"Are ya really ok, sugah? Ah have no idea what-,"
He punched me lightly in the shoulder, "Lay down and shut up a minute and I'll talk."
Ah cut mah eyes at him but laid back obediently. Ah couldn't help but give him a long leash foah the time bein'.
Logan talked in his own, gruff, direct, point-by-point fashion. Ah remembered again how much ah appreciated him for never coddlin'. He brought me back to the fight in Antartica, the one that had been ragin' in mah head to keep En Sabah Nur contained and the one ragin' outside to destroy his heart. When the death charge detonated, it was like a nuclear bomb and everythin' went dark, but he was still there, suspended somewhere in time and space.
Like me, he'd wondered if he would just wake up in his own body or if we'd both head to the final destination, but neither of those happened. He was just…there… After a few moments, he felt somethin' like a current, but not physically. Some instinct to move in a particular direction. Guidance. It was gentle…kind. Logan felt in that moment that it was likely death. With no other real options, he'd headed that way, but then felt somethin' strange. His heart started beatin', which was the first he realized it had stopped in the first place. Then he started breathin' but not under his own control. It was unsettlin'; jarrin'. It disrupted whatever guidance he'd felt and he was stuck foah while.
And then several things seemed to happen at once. Logan was suddenly drenched and ice cold. At the same time he got a shock that caused him to gasp and grab hold of his own lungs from whatever force had been actin' on them. And he sensed me, but had no idea where ah was.
From there he started wanderin', tryin' to find me. It was still dark. At first it seemed like an empty void but as he walked he eventually started runnin' into debris. Broken objects and wrecked places…ruins. Finally he perceived one tiny spark of light, no larger than the head of a match. There he had camped, waitin'.
At first it was just light, but it got infinitesimally larger, finally reachin' the size of a closet, like a small spotlight. And then somethin' started formin' inside.
Logan figures there was probably some kinda parallel between what he saw in mah mind and what must be happenin' to mah body. Ah seemed to materialize from practically nothin', takin' unrecognizable shapes in an agonizingly slow process. He hated to watch it, but figured it was probably worse to go through than to witness. Seein' as he was the only one who could, he stayed with me. He wondered what ah felt, and what ah would be like when ah came back. As time wore on, he also got an unlikely view of his own power at work, how it functioned as it knit me back into somethin' near human. There was no sign of En Sabah Nur. He didn't know what was happenin' in the outside world, but he figured that was a good sign.
Even if ah'd had energy and strength, ah'd still have been dumbfounded. When he finished, we sat in silence a while. Logan laid back on the grass beside me and we watched the clouds overhead, alone and unobserved. Ah was amazed again at how quiet and spacious mah mind felt, with just us here.
Finally, ah stated the obvious, "You saved mah life, Logan."
He didn't answer. Of course not. Ah was right, but he'd already done moah talkin' than he cared to. And after all, what could ah say?
Ah laid there bewildered. What if he'd been stuck in some kinda void forever? What if we'd both died? He obviously had the same possibilities in mind that ah did, but he'd gone ahead and stayed with me anyway.
With the sun on mah face and gainin' mental agency by the minute, ah started to feel moah solid…moah energetic. Ah thought back through Antarctica: the blinding, barren landscape…the secret jungle and the strange crater…the mysterious, self-proclaimed god within. The X-men. Feelin'.
Ah looked over at him, relaxed and lyin' on the grass like it was any normal day. Ah couldn't help but ask, out of astounded curiosity, "Why do you like me so much?"
He snorted and rolled his eyes.
"Seriously Logan…almost from the first moment ah got here, you liked me. Befoah ah even did anythin' worth likin'. Yoah not sentimental. Why?"
He gave me a sidelong glance, "Thinking. Thinking. Always thinking. I told ya before, I run on instincts."
"And evasion, apparently."
He gave an exasperated sigh but didn't say anythin' else.
Ah had a sudden and strange inclination, which may keep company with near death experiences. At this point, Logan had seen me from unique and uninvited perspectives. It seemed stupid to try and keep up appearances. Ah gave in. Ah scooted over to him and put mah head on his shoulder.
Logan froze a minute, and it made me smile. Ah'd just realized it…we both had the same bubble, and the same reaction to someone invadin' it. Different reasons, same strategy. Ah stayed put. Eventually, with great hesitation, he put his arm under and around mah shoulders. Ah wondered which one of us got touched less. Gettin' hit doesn't count, of course.
We laid there a while longer in companionable silence, slowly settlin' into proximity and finally fully relaxin' again.
When Logan spoke again, his voice lacked its usual gruffness. "Not good at words…"
Ah waited.
"Violence…is easy fer me. It's the being good that's hard. Gotta focus. Constantly. Every one of you is guilty of underestimating that battle from time to time. Hope that means I'm winning, but not because it's getting easier."
Ah felt the urge to jump in and reassure him but resisted, sensin' he wasn't quite done.
"I don't really know…maybe the fight you got is as relentless as mine…maybe we got the same blood type…I dunno…but when yer in a room, it's easier. Ya make me…better. Ya make it easier to want to be better."
Ah'd never gotten a better compliment. Ah didn't know what to say. Ah felt like ah might just cry, but ah gritted my teeth, determined not to.
Ah rolled towards him so ah could throw an arm around him. Seemed the only reasonable next move. Between the two of us and our various hang ups, ah figured this was going to be a semi-centennial event at best, might as well make the most of it.
Ah wanted to say somethin' back, somethin' to let him know how much his words meant to me…how much he meant to me. How grateful ah was that he'd saved me. How much ah cherished his friendship. He'd never have tolerated it.
And then it occurred to me that ah had a new skillset. Clumsy, at best…but he did say he ran on instincts, not thoughts. Maybe words weren't the right tool foah this job.
Ah let mahself feel all the ways ah felt about Logan. Respect. Admiration. Curiosity. Affection. Gratitude. Appreciation. Wonder.
He stiffened again under me, but unlike words, mah feelings he couldn't interrupt.
Like me, Logan isn't a huge fan of psychic abilities. Ah didn't risk sendin' him into defense mode by takin' him directly, but ah used the sky as a screen to project mah favorites of our shared memories.
Mah elation when he shows up unexpectedly after a long absence.
How confident ah feel when he's watchin' mah six in the Danger Room or in a scrap. How impressed ah am at what he can do and how he does it.
The relief and peace ah feel when he enters a room. How ah feel ah don't have to worry, if he's there.
The attunement of me and him ridin' the bike, two peas in a pod, not needin' to explain anythin', just able to be.
How gutted ah feel when he falters or struggles, but how absolutely certain ah am that he'll find his way back.
The impact of his praises when ah do a good job, and how hard ah try to hide it. How much his good opinion of me makes me feel ah can take on the world.
How mad ah get when we have a fight, not just because of who's right and who's wrong but because of how much ah hate bein' at odds with mah best friend.
Logan squeezed mah shoulder, and his voice was low and gravelly. Ah didn't dare look at him, "That's about as much as I can take of that, darlin'."
Ah smiled to mahself, "Ah agree fully, sugah."
The pressure had been buildin' as ah let mah feelin's run wild, but ah had tried hard not to focus on it so he wouldn't realize. Logan had done enough.
The screen vanished from the sky as a gateway opened next to us. Logan jumped up and ah stood with him.
"WAIT! Not yet! Rogue, you don't know-,"
Ah put mah hands on his shoulders, interruptin' him, "See ya around, bub."
Ah shoved him, and the pressure of the gate took him the rest of the way. It hurt…but not nearly so badly as it had befoah. Moah of a pop or a crack than a rippin' and tearin'.
Ah was alone. And tired. Ah heard some kinda hullaballoo in the outside world but didn't have energy to pay it much mind. Ah laid back down in the grass and went to sleep, satisfied.
The next time ah stirred, ah was firmly in mah own body. Actually conscious at last, but incredibly weak. Ah didn't open mah eyes but tried to take it slow. Ah wanted to find a way to get back comfortable in mah skin. There was no point in the mind palace anymoah, there was no one left inside who needed it. Just me now. A wonder.
Ah felt mah breath risin' and fallin' and realized mah throat was no longer blocked. That was a huge relief. Mah body was sore and tender, but not in any real pain. Ah started at mah toes, checkin' each piece, seein' what would tense and flex. Everythin' took way too much effort, but ah kept at it. Back in one piece again, it would seem.
Next, ah listened urgently. Ah heard machines still, but other than that it was quiet. It seemed ah was alone, which came as somethin' of a disappointment. Ah wanted to hear that voice.
At last, ah tested mah own. Mah throat was raw and ah sounded beyond hoarse, but ah managed to get out a "Hello?"
Ah waited, but there was nothin'.
Ah tried again, able to get just a little moah volume, "Hello?"
Somethin' came in over a radio, or somethin' electronic, addin' a scratchy quality to the sound, "EVERYBODY SHUT UP! CHERE?! CHERE DAT YOU?!"
Ah smiled so big it hurt mah face. Ah took a deep breath and used what force ah had to get out a full response, "Cajun…if yoah not here…when ah open mah eyes…ah'll be livid."
"DON' MOVE!"
Ah chuckled lightly to mahself even though it hurt mah throat and chest. Ah kept mah eyes closed and waited. Less than a minute later, ah heard a terrible ruckus of somebody makin' their way closer. Sounded like they were tearin' the place down on their way.
"ANNA?!" the voice was breathless, no longer muddled by the radio sound.
Ah opened mah eyes, and there he was. Hands pressed on both sides of the doorway, chest heavin' with the effort to get here. Mah heart thundered and some stupid monitor picked it up, but ah couldn't care. Mah face split with joy and ah reached out foah him.
Remy skidded over but stopped just short, frustration and urgency showin' plain as day. He grabbed the sheet and pulled it up over me to mah neck and then slid himself overtop onto the bed next to me, pullin' me to him tightly and kissin' the top of mah head.
Ah felt mah face turn red as a beet, even as ah noticed ah was wearin' some kinda sock cap or beanie or somethin'. The traitorous heart monitor leapt again and it was enough that he pulled back.
Ah reached foah him under the covers, but it was hard to get ahold of him and ah had no strength anyway. Remy let out a long sigh and smiled at me, "Chere…bad as you are, you got to pace yo'self."
He held me moah gently and once ah was shoah he wasn't goin' anywhere, ah leaned into him, content as a cat.
"I certainly hope dis means you remember who I am?"
Ah grinned up at him, "Of all the things you are…swamp rat…forgettable is not one."
Remy raised an eyebrow, "And you know who you are?"
"Pretty shoah."
His mouth abruptly hardened into a grim line, "Den you know how much trouble yo' in with Gambit, n'est pas?" As ah glanced up in concern, he couldn't hold a serious expression, and his smile returned gently, "Don' worry too much yet chere. We got time. I got a whole list o' penance all ready fo' you. Maintenant, you got to keep getting better. You gon' need yo' full strength to get right wi' me."
Ah huffed dismissively as best ah could, "As though…you could handle me…at full strength."
Remy leaned his head down and rested it against mine. Ah couldn't believe how normal it felt. Ah couldn't believe how happy ah felt. Ah didn't know a body could feel this happy, even beaten to hell as ah was.
Just then, a woman in a white coat came barrellin' in. At first her face was full of alarm, and then it rapidly set into somethin' moah chastisin'.
"Mr. LeBeau, are ye quite serious?"
Mah eyes went wide as the brogue finally set off recognition, "Moira?...what?"
"Ah'm a doctor, lassie, and Charles called in reinforcements. We can catch you up on everything in good time, but medical needs come first," her eyes cut back over to Remy, "Leeches haven't been part of medical protocol for 200 years," she tried to glare, but it was tempered with somethin' like fondness that turned it into teasin'.
"De femme knows you and knows me too. You got all dis tech, use dat and leave her to me," he pulled me closer possessively and ah turned so red ah thought mah head was gonna burst.
Moira smiled in spite of herself and sighed, shakin' her head, "Ye'll have to share, ye wee scoundrel. Unless of course, the patient indicates her desire for me to remove you. I'd have nay choice there," Moira raised an eyebrow and turned her gaze at me. Teasin'.
Ah swallowed hard, "Ah…want him to stay…please."
Remy grinned one of his very biggest grins and the heart monitor practically threatened to short out.
Moira came over and smacked him on the shoulder. "Don't make a nuisance of yereself. 'Awake' and 'fully recovered' are nay the same thing."
Dr. MacTaggart made Remy get up and put on a pair of gloves, but she moved a chair next to the bed so he could sit with me and hold mah hand. She also brought me a glass of water which tasted like heaven. Ah had no sense of time but found out ah had been out foah 17 days. She asked me some cognitive questions, examined me and tested mah reflexes, checkin' her findings against the machines and her files. Remy was surprisingly well-behaved and engaged, hangin' onto her every word and askin' clarifyin' questions. When she was finally satisfied, she looked at me gently.
"Ye're nothing short of a miracle, lass. Quite a few hearts will be gladdened by the news that ye're back with us…mine not the least."
"Thank you for takin' care of me. Sorry foah all the drama."
She chortled, "Is that what ye call it?"
Remy's tone was scoldin', "Saves de whole damn world and calls it 'drama'."
Ah jutted mah chin out, not likin' the tones of either one of 'em. "Get yoah laughs in now, folks," ah warned. It wasn't very effective with the sound of mah voice.
Moira smiled placatingly, "Very well, no offense meant. If all holds steady ye're in fine shape to make a full recovery. Once ye're able to remain conscious for four hours at a time and eating well, we'll get ye walking. Probably the next day or two. But ye have to take it slow. It'll take a few weeks to get back to yere full strength."
Once she finished her prognosis and checked all mah various medical accessories, she left us alone again. The minute she did Remy sneered after her and then climbed straight back into the bed. He was so warm, as he always was. Ah wanted to stay right here, but ah could feel mahself startin' to slip again.
"Remy…ah don't know how much longer…ah can stay awake."
He leaned back to inspect mah face, which must have looked about as tired as ah felt, "Go on ahead den. I waited dis long, I'll wait some mo'."
"Ah don't want to…ah want to know how you are. Wanna talk," ah cut mahself off with an involuntary yawn.
"Finally gon' ask me, huh?"
Ah looked up at him, curious. "Ask ya what?"
Remy leveled his gaze at me cynically, as though somethin' was obvious. When he saw mah confusion, his face softened, "I suppose you might still be a little out of it. Did you t'ink dis was a fashion statement?"
Ah looked at his outfit, but it was the same black teeshirt, jeans, leather jacket, fingerless gloves. When ah looked back up into his face with moah questions than answers, ah finally noticed…
His skin was a gray, ashy color, like burnt charcoal. Not midnight black, but still unnatural. His bluish white hair was pulled back, showin' the barest hint of its normal brown at the roots. He watched me as ah slowly took in the changes, realizin' himself that ah really was just now realizin'.
"Are ya hurt?" Ah asked, concerned.
Remy shook his head no, then asked me incredulously, "How did you not notice?"
Glad that he wasn't in pain, ah tucked my head back down into the crook of his arm and let mah eyes close, unable to keep them open any longer.
Ah managed to mutter as ah began driftin' away, "Yoah eyes…mah favorite…"
"Nobody on dis earth like you, chere," he kissed me again on the top of mah head. Once again ah was struck that somethin' felt strange about it. What the heck was ah wearin'?
Ah forced mah eyes open with considerable effort. Slowly ah reached a hand up, pattin' whatever weird hat ah had on. Ah looked at Remy confused, but his face was suspiciously neutral.
Ah slipped my fingahs under the hat…and felt…skin. Stunned, ah ran mah fingahs higher, but it was just skin.
Mah eyes welled with angry tears.
"Mah HAIR!" ah wailed.
Remy laughed in disbelief, "You cannot possibly be serious right now."
Ah covered mah face with mah hands in shame, unable to help it. Why did it have to be mah hair? Mah stupid, unruly, unmanageable, uncooperative hair that was distinctly mine? Had ah treated it so cruelly that ah deserved this?
With another infuriatin' chuckle, Remy pulled mah hands away from mah face and caught me with that unfair, mesmerizin' gaze, "Tu es belle. Tres belle. Trop belle. Mah chere, mon coeur…It'll grow back. And it doesn' matter. Dose green eyes are my favorite."
Remy pulled me back close against his chest and ah fussed mahself to sleep.
The next time ah saw him, his hair was buzzed. Ah almost cried again, except it was so sweet.
The process of gettin' back on mah feet was slow and borin' and nearly drove me insane. If ah thought trainin' foah Antarctica was tedious, it was nothin' compared to tryin' to get mah body back in some kinda order. Not only did ah have the near-to-possibly-complete death experience to contend with, but now with Carol gone, ah also had to deal with normal vulnerabilities ah hadn't had to consider in years. Normal biff and bonks and knocks and clumsiness hadn't phased me…now ah got bruises and scrapes and danged if they didn't smart. Even crueler than that, ah couldn't fly. Took forever to get anywhere, especially on mah weak legs, but also ah loved flyin'. That would need its own grief process, but ah did mah best to put it on hold foah later. One thing at a time.
As slow as ah was movin', everyone seemed to want me to slow down even further.
Ah learned about the fate of the rest of the team in trickles. Ah was only able to stay awake so long and visitors were limited, apart from Remy who seemed to relish violatin' any kinda restrictions they put on him while simultaneously demandin' that ah observe mah restrictions to the letter. When ah tried to call him out foah his hypocrisy, which was often, he gave me his stupid mischief smile and the heart monitor would undermine even mah very best glowers. Ah hated that heart monitor.
Logan didn't visit me. He said he'd done his shift and now it was Gambit's turn. It hurt a little, but ah knew he'd be feelin' off kilter after what we'd been through and shared. Ah wasn't offended. They told me he was his usual charmin' self…but now had white streaks in his hair. Looked like we really were gonna be a matched pair after all.
Colossus had come out of the whole event completely unscathed and was given leave to go back home to Russia for a few weeks to report back what he could. He wasn't able to see me befoah ah left, but he left me a kind card sayin' he had suddenly developed an appreciation foah abstract art and looked forward to revisitin' the subject with me in the comin' school year.
Jean was fully recovered but had no memory of events beyond speakin' to me on the imaginary dock. She didn't know how she had protected us from En Sabah Nur when he broke free, or how she got back to Logan and kept him here. Gentle and kind by nature, she was unbothered by the blanks, just thankful foah the outcome like we all were. Ah'd promised to show her what ah could remember once everyone determined it was safe, but foah the moment ah was under strict orders not to use mah powers and no psychics were welcome while mah brain was still…developin'.
Scott was completely fine. Better, in fact. An unexpected side effect of his liaison with me was reconnectin' to his original, inherent beam control. He'd experienced some headaches and vision blurring once he got back to New York which seemed to become moah intense as the days dragged on. Upon examination, it was discovered that the damaged areas of his brain were now showin' some limited activity. He was tryin' not to get his hopes up, but mostly failin' as he worked with our medical team and psychics to see what potential there was. This was an unexpected joy to me, redemption even, givin' another mutant a chance at the control ah craved mah own self. Like Scott, ah was filled with hope that he would get to see the exact shade of Jean's eyes someday. Ah'd be mighty proud to be part of that.
Hank was over the moon with new research. Jean and the Professor were practically forcin' him to eat and sleep in spite of his exuberance. New data from the compound, new ability thresholds and power scenarios across the team, new Danger Room protocols – he was precious and insufferable. And blue, as he should be.
Jubilee was herself. She seemed to perceive the whole thing as a grand adventure, now that everyone was ok, and she couldn't get enough of relivin' her contributions to our triumph. Ah could hardly blame her: the explosions had come in clinch moah than once. She was super jazzed about mah hair and positioned herself as resident expert on bold, short, feminine hairstyles. We spent time on YouTube and Pinterest tryin' to find looks and products that would work. Ah wasn't nearly as optimistic as she was, but ah tried not to show it. Jubilee has straight, silky, fine black hair. Graceful and perfect. Ah have thick, curly, messy, multi-colored hair. Rebellious and spiteful. As much as ah tried to convince mahself that surely ah could manage some kinda pixie/punk look in the next few weeks…mah gut told me ah had a long season of "puffball" ahead of me. At least ah still had some wigs from the Mystique days. Ah did make shoah to thank her foah watchin' out foah the boys while ah was out. No doubt about it, it was the four of us now.
Storm exonerated Remy from the Morlocks with her report of Sinister and En Sabah Nur's respective demises. He had a firm hand in both, and they didn't have a leg to stand on. Diplomatic, tactful, and empathetic as she always was, she was not fully candid about the massacre bein' little moah than a powerplay. Ah didn't see Marrow again befoah she left, but ah felt certain our paths would cross again someday.
Remy's complexion lightened by the day and as his hair started growin' back, it was its usual hue. Moira and Hank kept checkin' his bloodwork and sayin' things that were beyond mah understandin', but ah gathered when they first examined him there was somethin' there that grew less and less by the day. He was runnin' a high fever foah while but you'd never have known the way he carried on. Light-hearted, mischievous, jovial…he seemed no worse foah the wear. Of course, ah'd seen some of what he went through and ah knew there's always moah with that man than he lets on, but we all needed a moment to revel in our success befoah we went on to the next fight. Ah let him be happy…when he wasn't bent on irritatin' me to death.
As mah strength slowly returned, folks finally got moah confident and less overbearin' about mah recovery. Remy seemed hell bent on touchin' me as much as possible. The recoil was gone, but not the sensitivity. His touch and his presence set me on fire every time. The heart monitor bein' removed was a help, but unfortunately it had lingered long enough that we both knew what it did to me and it made him cocky and me just constantly red-faced. Worse than that, mah mind seemed intent to jump back to our moment on the dock every time ah looked at him. Ah had been so thankful to Jean at the time, but now…knowin' what his skin felt like, what his lips felt like…it produced an agonizin' ache. The feelin' of wantin' Remy was mostly familiar at this point, but now…mah stomach got sore from clenchin' with a different kind of desire. It was torture, knowin' what ah was missin' and stuck with mah stupid powers preventin' me from seizin' it. Ah didn't say any of this out loud of course.
It felt long at the time, but in hindsight it really was only a short few weeks befoah ah was discharged with a clean bill of health and some minimal activity restrictions. Ah heard the word "miracle" so many times ah got sick of it. The sight of mah own room and the feel of mah own bed was an unspeakable luxury. Home sweet home at last. Except suddenly it was not so private as it had once been. Seemed ah could hardly get a full ten minutes in here alone.
Ah was just wakin' up, stretchin' in the bed and lettin' mahself come to slowly when in barged Remy with two mugs of coffee.
"Nearly nine o'clock, chere, you got to get movin' or you'll miss breakfast. Can't have dat."
Ah groaned half-heartedly. "Who made you the cereal police?"
He grinned, "You did. I already told you, you got penance to do to get right wit' me."
"And here ah was, naïve enough to think that keepin' mah promise would be enough," ah pulled mahself up to a seated position and he sat next to me, handin' me the coffee. Ah took a sip and it was good enough to melt some of mah pretend annoyance.
"Naïve indeed. Dat was jus' pay to play. I got big plans."
Ah smiled at him in spite of mahself and took a moment to take him in. Ah was wearin' a beanie to cover the short spikes slowly coverin' mah bare scalp. He had a red bandana coverin' his very short hair. His skin looked moah pale than ashen, but it was getting' moah normal every day. The trip to Antarctica was feelin' like a strange dream with each passin' day, but the physical reminders kept it real.
Remy raised an eyebrow as ah studied him. Ah cocked mah head to one side, "How are you feelin', sugah?"
His smile was too quick, "Right as rain, chere."
Ah lowered mah eyebrows, "Really, swamp rat. How are you really?"
He measured me foah a minute, then answered moah honestly, "Better all de time…but…diff'rent. Got a lot to swallow, taking it one bite at a time."
Ah slid closer to grab his hand in mah gloved one.
"Ah know what you mean. Everythin' feels a little…surreal. Ah know you've been careful with me, but ah have so many questions about you and…everythin' that happened. Ah am here foah you."
Ah was surprised by the hard edge in his voice when he replied, "By the skin o' yo' teeth."
Ah drew back a little and he sighed, "Sorry, chere. I do understand. And I'm t'ankful fo' how everyt'ing worked out. I'm trying to take it slow but Anna…I am still honestly mad at you."
Ah felt a little crestfallen, but ah let it roll off mah back and kept mah face open, "That's ok. Tell me. Tell me about it."
His eyes narrowed as he considered. Ah waited, takin' another sip of coffee. At last, his words came tumblin' out over each other.
"I can' sleep. I keep running it over and over in my mind, how it could have been different. I can' know fo' sho', but what if you hadn' sent me away? What if I'd been dere? Me and Logan? What if you'd come wit' me when I left, refused to go on dat god forsaken mission wit'out me? I try not to but my mind keeps going back to dat pit, holding yo' eyes while feeding a charge dat would blow you to bits. And what I don' imagine comes to me in dreams – nightmares- what you must have felt, what you must have looked like when I held you under de water in pieces," he clenched his jaw, but then a small, hard smile crept onto his face, "And while I torture myself over every little t'ing yo' mos' worried about yo' hair."
Ah tried to keep mah voice gentle even though ah felt a lump in mah throat, "That's all about me…what about you? What about what he put you through?"
Remy didn't answer right away, but ah saw his breath quicken and the effort he made to try and keep it under control. It about broke mah heart.
"Is it all right if ah touch you?" ah was compelled to ask.
He nodded and ah slid over to him, puttin' mah head on his shoulder and mah arms around his waist, listenin' as he got his breath back even. Finally he spoke again, "Touching you…helps. A lot. I know it's tricky fo' you fo' obvious reasons, but when I can touch you it grounds me…helps me stay in de moment. Makes my t'oughts quiet down. I feel like myself. Mostly. Been trying to keep it light and playful but…"
He let it hang and we were silent foah moment. Ah considered foah while. Pretty shoah Remy didn't realize all the reasons why it was so tricky foah me to let him touch me, and ah didn't like him bein' mad at me…but if the tables had been turned ah'd imagine it was fair.
Remy had spent most of our time chasin' me. It was mah turn to chase him.
Ah chose mah words carefully, so they wouldn't come out as a question, "Startin' tonight, yoah gonna sleep in here with me."
He chuckled, "I suppose I'll have to find some sheets and duct tape."
"No," ah said definitively, "yoah gonna sleep here in this bed. With me."
Remy got very still, "I know I spent one night here, but it was extenuatin' circumstances and we didn' sleep. You tol' me once dat spending nights togeddah was supposed to be special…intimate. I don' wan' to push. We haven't had a chance to talk about us…where we are…"
Ah slowly pulled back so ah could look into his face and set mah coffee on the nightstand. He did the same, watchin' mah every move.
"Ok…so where are we, then?"
Remy's gaze was challengin', "Last I knew, when I left we were on somet'ing o' a break from almos' maybe trying to date. Gambit has received no formal updates."
Ah was tryin' so hard to be careful with him…but dang if that didn't make me mad. No formal updates? Where was he when ah was throwin' mahself at him on the dock? Or when ah painstakingly fought mah way back from oblivion because ah promised him ah would? Did he not hear me say that ah loved him? Or that what we had was real and deserved the work? No formal updates?!
Ah tried to keep mah voice level, "Ah didn't think ah was particularly subtle."
"You've trained me not to stand on implication alone, chere."
We sat starin' each other down foah minute. Ah was thankful foah the new quiet in mah head. It helped me cling to mah composure, to respond rather than react.
"The issue…with the Morlocks…has been resolved. You did right by them. If they've absolved you don't you think ah have too?"
He shrugged, "Plenty has been added to de account between den and now."
"Like?" ah invited him through gritted teeth.
Remy stood up so he could glower down at me, fists clenched as he spat, "Like I let En Sabah Nur corrupt me and turn me into somebody who didn' even know who you were. Like I hit you, hurt you, and finally killed you outright! How am I supposed to be yo' safe place after all dat?! How are you supposed to wan' me after seeing me dat way?!"
His forcefulness was potent, but ah refused to respond to the theatrics. In fact, his words completely squashed any anger ah was feelin'. Maybe havin' absorbed him gave me a particular insight, or maybe it was havin' spent so much time in mah own feelings, or maybe it was havin' the extra space in mah mind to sort it through. Ah suddenly realized this was sacred ground, right at the core of who he has always been. It wasn't me he was mad at, per se. With the Morlock situation resolved, he finally had a chance to believe in his own goodness…and he was scared. He didn't know how. He was resistin', caught in suspense.
Once, he had seen me as the arbiter of his goodness, as though it was somethin' ah could give him. Now, ah'd become the opposite: proof of his inability to be good. As much as he might hate it, bein' irredeemable was a familiar place, one he'd lived in too long. En Sabah Nur had left Remy rattled and he was afraid to reimagine his own identity. He'd built up mah resentment and rejection in his own mind in an effort to cling to what was normal. He imagined me feelin' about him the way he'd always felt about himself.
Ah could try to reason with him, argue with him, but what he was feelin' wasn't rational.
Ah slowly stood up to stand toe-to-toe with Remy, keepin' his eyes with mine. Ah loved those eyes so much. How on earth could ah help him? He was so close to lettin' go of the past, but too afraid to move forward. Who could blame him? His entire life had been a series of impossible choices, high risks and steep consequences. Antarctica had created an opportunity but left him…left all of us so fragile. Tryin' to fly on broken wings.
Ah hoped foah wholeness foah him, but ah loved him even broken. Ah loved him no matter what. Even with Caliban, ah hadn't stopped lovin' him, underneath it all.
Even when he'd fought me as the spectre of Death, even when the X-men in mah mind had demanded ah give up on him, defend mahself, ah loved him. How could ah get him to understand? How could ah help him feel it?
Ah don't know if he thought ah was talkin' to him or not, but ah was talkin' to me…
"Please…please…" ah begged mahself in a desperate whisper.
How could ah want him? What a stupid question.
Ah wanted him…hard.
And ah felt the gate in mah mind peel open. The pain was expected, but this time it was tender, like peelin' off a scab. There was no pressure, nothin' foah it to cling to.
Ah took a step forward, hands tremblin' as ah held it open. Ah hoped.
Remy held his ground.
Ah put mah hands on either side of his face. Ah thought back to the dock and ah craved him with everythin' ah had in me.
Ah put mah lips to his.
All ah felt was him. Him and a moment later, his surprise.
Remy grabbed me and kissed me back like ah was the only thing holdin' him to the world. His kiss was crushin', bruisin', and perfect. Desire absolutely swallowed me, makin' mah knees weak and mah breath ragged. Mah hips lurched forward on their own, pressin' mah body in one long line against his…and ah felt his ardor meet mine.
Ah ripped mah gloves off, eager to feel moah of his skin with mah own. He pressed forward and sent us crashin' back onto the bed, the weight of his body on mine felt close to relief, but not quite.
With no thought, ah pushed him up onto his knees and pulled mah shirt off over mah head, tossin' it carelessly to the floor. Remy made a sound like a whimper as his eyes greedily devoured mah exposed flesh and then he ripped his shirt off as well, pressin' his impossibly warm body onto mine. His skin made mah heartbeat thunder in mah ears as he pressed his mouth back against me. He still wasn't close enough, and ah wrapped mah arms and legs around him as ah urgently sought some kinda remedy foah it.
To mah incredible frustration…it was too much.
As mah focus shifted totally to him, the gate snapped shut. Ah felt the familiar hum of mah skin as it started to pull on him.
Remy froze as he felt it and ah shoved him as hard as ah could, knockin' him to the floor. It was half a second, but ah felt his thoughts rush into me. Ah felt his desire rush in to meet mine, felt all the things he planned to do next, felt what we both wanted but ah couldn't quite provide.
Ah curled into a fetal position around the part of mah body that was both burnin' up and quiverin', pantin' foah air.
We laid like that foah time, until he finally spoke.
"I have some bad news fo' you."
"Oh?" ah offered weakly.
"Yo' list of penance jus' got a lot longer."
Ah laughed in spite of mahself, somethin' of embarrassment settin' in as ah started to painstakingly calm down.
"Are ya ok, Rem?"
"Oui. And it was worth it. Care to try again?" He sat up slowly, clearly a little weak and punch drunk.
True to form, ah blushed.
"It's going to…take me some time…to figure out."
"You made it dis far. Dis was impossible a year ago. Look at you now," he meant it as encouragement, but as he said it his eyes wandered back over mah body and it sent a jolt straight through me.
Ah forced mahself to remember mah original objective as his eyes came back up to mah face, smolderin'.
"Ah love you Remy. And ah do want you. Then, now, always."
Remy sighed and closed his eyes, finally really hearin' me. He climbed back onto the bed, and ah guiltily watched the nuances of his lithe body as it moved. He met mah gaze meaningfully, "Je t'aime aussi, Anna." He'd never said in French befoah. It made me grin like a silly schoolgirl.
Unfortunately the moment was followed by immediate dismay as he put his shirt back on. He walked over to the bedroom door and ah was confused, thinkin' he was leavin', but he only locked it.
Remy reached into the pocket of his jeans and retrieved a pair of leather gloves, watchin' me intently as he put them on. Then he reached down to grab mah gloves off the floor where ah'd discarded them, tossin' them over to me.
"I'll give you all the time you need, chere. But until den…put dose on."
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