This chapter is a fairly decent mix of old and new. I like to think it's a more refined take on what I wanted to do in the original. Benezia has always held a bit of fascination for me. That's probably obvious given she's Benny's namesake and I almost devoted an entire chapter in "The Lost Weeks" to talking about the disposition of her estate. She's a big part of Mass Effect 1 and yet we spend almost no time with her and learn little about her. She's a character that really does not get fleshed out at all over the course of the trilogy and yet she's a fundamental part of Liara's story. We never learn in the games exactly what happened to make Liara and Benezia estranged, but it is heavily implied that Benezia was controlling and disapproved of Liara's life choices. But, of course, those negative qualities are contradicted from time to time when Liara expresses her admiration for her mother and we learn the origin of Benezia's nickname for Liara, Little Wing. Then, we also have the contradiction of how other people talk about Benezia and what she's like when we do meet her, and having to square that with the fact that she was in a relationship with Aethyta and even had a pureblood daughter with her. These snippets of information paint an interesting picture of a woman who was probably a walking contradiction.
In my mind, the reason Liara does not talk about Benezia that much is because even she doesn't really know what to think about her. I have always believed that their estrangement was a straw that broke the camel's back type of situation where eventually Liara just got fed up with the emotional whiplash of Benezia saying one thing, but then acting in a completely contradictory way.
In the first edition, I do not think I did a good job conveying any of this complexity of Benezia's character. It's tricky to do that when Benezia will never get to tell her side of the story and all we get is what can be filtered through Liara's perception. Even with my rewrite, we won't be getting Benezia's take on things, but hopefully I have found a way to add some insight into what was going through her head. Or, at the very least, I hope I have conveyed the complexity behind Liara's feelings towards her mother. At the most basic level, I think Benezia's major fault was what a lot of parents struggle with: realizing that their children are not clones or extensions of themselves but rather unique individuals with their own personalities and desires.
Gone
Gone. Over a millennium of existence and then just... gone. The flame of life snuffed out in some frozen facility that would likely be erased from public memory and buried under red tape. Liara hadn't known that she was harboring any piece of Benezia in her heart until suddenly that part was gone, and it felt like she had a gaping chest wound for the whole galaxy to see. And yet, the worst of it was that she felt like she should cry, grieve for the woman who had raised her, given her life, but when she reached for the tears, they just weren't there. It felt like such a betrayal; she couldn't shed even one tear for her mother. She could see others watching her, expecting the tears, and then quietly disturbed when they didn't come.
Liara wasn't really paying attention as they returned to the Normandy. Her thoughts were too preoccupied with replaying her mother's final moments over and over again. Benezia hadn't even been herself in the end – Saren's slave, her mind his playground. It was as Shepard had said all those weeks ago: her mother had been an unwilling partner in their alliance, but the hold he had over her had been greater than any normal leverage. And in the end, it hadn't mattered what her mother's true intentions had been because Saren had erased everything about her. Her legacy, her aspirations, even her soul had been twisted by him.
There were moments when Liara thought her mother had regained her freedom, but they were fleeting. Even if she pieced all those moments together, they didn't form enough time to say goodbye. And her mother had given them no choice but to fight her, to ultimately kill her. The commander had tried to save her, had offered her medigel when she was bleeding out and had regained enough of herself to give them the data meant for Saren. But Benezia had refused. She had chosen death rather than remain Saren's thrall. Chosen death rather than fight to be with Liara again.
Liara didn't know how to feel. She felt numb, stuck. Her mind just kept fixating on her mother's final moments. Despite the fact that she had been estranged from Benezia for decades, Liara never believed, deep down, that their alienation would be permanent. She had always believed they would reconcile before they ever had to say goodbye. And now it was too late. Her mother was gone and all that remained were all the words she never said. Liara would never get any answers to her questions. She would never understand why Benezia had done all the things she did.
Back aboard the ship, Liara went through the motions robotically. She vaguely recalled the meeting after Noveria, but couldn't recall with any specificity what was said. Something about the Mu Relay and some condolences from the rest of the crew. Liara couldn't concentrate on any of it. After leaving the meeting, she walked slowly towards her office, not sure what she should do. She just knew that the little makeshift office was her refuge aboard the ship. The one place where she could be alone and think.
As she neared the medbay door, she felt a hand land on her back and push her gently, but firmly, so that she was steered towards the opposite side of the room across the mess hall. Snapping out of her thoughts, Liara saw Shepard walking beside her, face set emotionlessly, not looking at her. "Come with me," was all she said, and led Liara to the captain's quarters.
It was the first time Liara had ever been inside Shepard's room. Despite her general feeling of numbness, a spark of curiosity managed to worm its way to the forefront of her mind. She noticed immediately that the room was basically empty. To her disappointment, there were no photographs or other personal effects out on display. Everything was neat and organized so that it seemed as if the room were not even occupied at all. The only signs of life were a stack of data pads on the desk, and an old-fashioned book with a hard cover and actual, physical pages on an alcove by the bed.
They stood in the middle of the room and Liara looked at Shepard, who stared back at her with concern in her violet eyes. Liara wondered what the commander planned to say to her – whether there was some encouraging speech she planned to give. Shepard was probably an expert at raising morale after an unexpected casualty.
But to her absolute surprise, Shepard pulled her into a hug. The commander wrapped her arms around Liara's shoulders and held her tight against her body. Shocked, Liara just froze, unsure what to do. The commander was usually a bit restrained, and always polite and professional. But this gesture was personal and intimate. It did not come from a place of mere sympathy, but rather real grief on Liara's behalf.
Cautiously, Liara allowed herself to wrap her own arms around Shepard's waist and leaned into the embrace. She rested her head on Shepard's shoulder and closed her eyes, taking deep, shaky breaths. This close, Shepard's scent was oddly comforting. It made Liara feel warm and safe.
"I do not know what to say," Liara said quietly. "I just feel empty."
Shepard squeezed her tighter in response. Liara felt a stirring in her chest, some small igniting of emotion. "Tell me about her," Shepard whispered.
Liara was sure that Shepard did not actually want to hear about the woman she had been forced to kill. It would not make the death any easier to bear. But Liara found that she wanted to say something, anything that would keep Benezia's memory alive. "She was well respected back home. The way people looked at her… everyone was in awe. It often felt like there was nothing she could not do. She was a powerful biotic, she was smart, she could charm anyone. I… I do not really know what else to say, Shepard. She raised me. She was the only parent I had."
Shepard only hummed her acknowledgment to let Liara know that she was listening, but she didn't offer any direction for Liara to go. Not knowing what to say, Liara simply grabbed at the first thing that came to mind. "You know, when I was young, we used to walk in the garden every day. It seemed like the only time that I ever had my mother all to myself. She would set aside that hour – no work, no meetings, nothing else on her mind. And we would just walk and talk about ordinary things." Liara paused and her insides twisted as the memory went from warm to cold. "We stopped walking in the garden when I told her that I wanted to go to university to study the protheans. She said it was a waste of time. She tried to persuade me to do something more practical. Said that because she was already a matriarch, we did not have time to waste on ill spent maiden years. That she needed to help me establish myself early so that I could take over once she was gone. And that was when I realized that I was just an extension of her. All those years she acted like I had a choice in my life, but in the end, she did not truly believe that. She always believed that I would simply become her."
Liara remembered how she had felt in that moment. That terrible moment when everything had come into sharp focus, and she had realized that she was just one of Benezia's many tools. The matriarch had not wanted a daughter with her own personality and opinions and dreams. She had wanted a clone of herself to continue her legacy once she was gone. The things about Liara that Benezia had always praised – her intelligence, her powerful biotics, her work ethic – those were the parts of herself that were a reflection of Benezia. In truth, the matriarch had always preferred when looking at Liara was like looking in a mirror. She fostered Liara's pursuit of knowledge and never hid her pride at Liara's biotic power. As a child, Liara had desired her mother's approval so greatly that she also prioritized those parts of herself.
But the other things that made Liara who she was – her love of the protheans, her introversion, her altruistic nature – Benezia did not understand and did not care to understand. As far as she was concerned, those were mere distractions or hinderances that needed to be purged over time. Like a typical asari, Benezia had taken the long view: she could indulge Liara's childish fancies while gently nudging her in the "right" direction. However, when Liara did not simply outgrow her childhood dreams, the matriarch had been forced to reveal her distaste for those ambitions.
In that final argument in the garden, Benezia had admitted that she wanted Liara to continue her legacy after she was gone. She said that Liara was destined to lead their people. In a rage, Liara had denounced the destiny she never wanted or asked for. They had argued in circles until the hour was up, and then Benezia had abruptly ended the argument to return to her work. She acted as if Liara's obedience was expected, as if her protest had no effect on the inevitable. After that, Liara had made the decision to leave and cut contact with her mother. She had ignored Benezia's attempts to reach out over the years, still harboring her anger and resentment. Asari grudges were often measured in decades rather than a handful of years.
Liara felt her throat tighten and stinging in her eyes as she tried to hold back tears. "That is when I truly lost her. I lost her when I did not fit into her plans anymore. And now I will never get her back." Her voice broke during the last few words and Liara couldn't hold back the tears anymore. She buried her face into Shepard's shirt. She clung to the other woman like she was a raft in the ocean, the various emotions hitting her like unrelenting waves. She felt the grief of her loss, the knowledge that she would never see her mother again. She felt anger and bitterness that her last true interaction with Benezia had been full of disappointment and rage. She felt ashamed that she had let her fury prevent her from trying to mend the relationship. And she felt lost as to how she was supposed to reconcile all of those emotions within herself.
Her whole body shook from the sobs, and she knew that she was soiling the commander's shirt with her tears and snot, but she couldn't bring herself to stop. Shepard didn't seem to mind and just continued to hold her tight and stroked her back gently. Liara had no idea how long they stood like that, but Shepard never rushed her. The emotions roiled within her, threatening to overwhelm her, but every time she felt like she would lose herself to her grief, the commander's solid presence brought her back to the present.
Eventually Liara felt herself start to calm down. The strength of the emotions began to ebb, and she took several deep breaths as she steadied herself. Pulling away, Liara wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "Thank you," she said, feeling a bit embarrassed for getting so emotional in front of the commander.
But Shepard looked at her with warmth, placed her hands on her shoulders and guided her to sit on the edge of the bed. "Here, sit down. Take a breath," she said. "There's no rush."
Liara was surprised at how relieved she felt. The numbness had given way to pain, but it felt better to feel something than nothing. Benezia deserved that much even if not all of Liara's emotions towards her were positive. Looking at Shepard, Liara noticed the dark, wet spot that went from shoulder to breast on her uniform. "I am so sorry," she said quickly. "I ruined your shirt."
The other woman glanced down at the spot and shrugged. "Don't worry about it. I'll change in a second." She went over to her desk and grabbed a box of tissues and handed it to Liara, who took it gratefully. She began blowing her nose and wiping her eyes.
Once she was satisfied that Liara was settled, Shepard walked over to a closet and opened the door. Then, without so much as a second thought, she stripped off her shirt and tossed it into the hamper. She stood there still in her blue pants, with her black sports bra showing, and dog tags draped around her neck. Liara, who had been in the middle of wiping her eyes, froze. She felt her face go suddenly hot from more than just the crying.
She knew that she shouldn't feel embarrassed. The commander was far from indecently covered with only her shoulders and midsection bare. Besides, human women and asari were similar enough that it was not as if Shepard had anything Liara had never seen before. But somehow the fact that it was Shepard made everything different. The commander always looked put together, her clothes crisp, her hair pulled back, and never any sign of fatigue. Any state of undress seemed out of place. Liara would be equally as shocked to see Shepard's hair down, or to see her in civilian attire. Add to that Liara's recent realization that she might be attracted to the commander, and suddenly a moment that should not have been significant felt strangely intimate.
Realizing that she was staring, Liara averted her eyes. Then, thinking that it might be more awkward if Shepard noticed that she was so flustered, Liara forced herself to look back. She watched Shepard move some hangers before taking out one with a spare shirt. She couldn't help noticing a scar just above Shepard's left hip. The skin was paler and slightly indented in a circular shape. Liara suspected that it must have been from a gunshot. It felt strange knowing that she now had knowledge of Shepard's body in a way other people did not. Despite her best efforts, Liara couldn't help imagining what it would be like to see the commander out of the rest of her clothes. The sudden, painful twist of desire in her gut was both exciting and uncomfortable and confusing. My emotions are a mess, Liara thought to herself. This really wasn't the time to be thinking about any of that. Then, Shepard pulled the spare shirt on, and the moment of intimateness was gone.
The commander came over and took a seat at her desk which was next to the bed. She leaned forward, elbows on her knees, and said, "You asked me before about my mom. I told you she passed, but I didn't say more. I know you wanted to ask, but you were polite enough not to." She took a deep breath. "When I was sixteen, batarian slavers attacked the colony where I grew up: Mindoir. They killed just about everyone. My parents, my siblings… everyone I had ever loved was taken from me."
Liara caught herself holding her breath and had to remind herself to breathe. She had already learned of Mindoir, but she had not imagined that the commander would tell her about it. It was clear from the pain in Shepard's voice that the memories still haunted her.
"And once it was over, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't feel anything for a while, and then when I could, all I felt was rage. I was looking for someone to blame. And I blamed everyone. I blamed myself for being the only one out of my family who survived. My older brothers died to protect me, but I couldn't protect my little sister. I failed her. And then, in my grief, I blamed my family, for dying and leaving me alone. I blamed the Alliance for getting there too late to save them. I blamed the colony for not being prepared. Basically, I blamed all of the wrong people. And finally, I realized who I should be blaming. The batarian slavers who killed them." Her left hand closed into a fist and Liara could see the muscles and tendons tighten in her arm. The crimson burn mark on Shepard's tricep seemed to gleam like fresh blood. "I vowed to get my revenge. I swore I'd make every batarian slaver pay for what they had done. And to this day I still hate batarians. All of them. Whenever I see one, even if he's just minding his business out in public, my hand twitches towards my gun as if that same batarian was the slaver that shot my mother in the back of the head when she tried to shield my siblings and me from danger." A look of pain mixed with disgust contorted Shepard's face. "My desire for revenge is so great that I don't think I could even bring myself to help an innocent batarian. I can't see an innocent among them. And I know that's wrong. I know I shouldn't blame the many for the actions of a few. But there's a disconnect between my heart and mind."
Shepard's body looked tightly coiled like a spring, ready to lash out at any minute. Even as the commander looked at Liara while she spoke, the asari could tell that her mind's eye was somewhere else, far in the past. Eventually, Shepard took a deep breath and the tension in her body seemed to dissipate. She opened her clenched fist, turning her palm up to the ceiling.
"Anyway, my point is that grief, and the hate that can be born out of it, are powerful. Once they take root, they're there to stay. And I won't tell you that you aren't entitled to feel anger. You absolutely are, and I would be a hypocrite to tell you otherwise. But I am urging you not to hate Benezia. From what you've told me, she may not have been perfect, and I know she hurt you and she disappointed you, but I believe she loved you too. I think maybe she loved you so much that she couldn't help pinning her own dreams onto you. And I think it was her love for you that helped her break free of Saren in the end. But whatever you do, never blame yourself. You have absolutely no fault for what happened. I don't think there was any way you could have changed her path."
Liara felt a pang in her chest as she contemplated Shepard's words. She couldn't deny that she had felt anger towards Benezia for everything that had happened. The what ifs plagued her. If her mother had been less controlling, if she had been less arrogant about her ability to manipulate Saren, if she had been wiser and seen what he was doing to her… so much could have been different. But Shepard was right. Her mother had not been perfect and that was ok. She had loved Liara even if she had let her ambition get the best of her. Liara had to find a way to keep both the good and bad of Benezia in her heart.
"You are not to blame either," Liara said quietly.
Shepard shrugged slightly, her expression accepting. "I don't know if I'm to blame. I don't think I have the wisdom to clear my own name. It was ultimately my hand that took her from you. That's something you'll have to decide."
Those words surprised Liara. Shepard was inviting her to lay the guilt at her feet if Liara felt that was where it belonged. She made no defense of her actions, only indicated that she was prepared to accept the blame if that was just. But Liara knew she couldn't blame the commander for Benezia's death. She'd tried to find the peaceful solution, but Benezia simply had not allowed it.
"But if you want to know who I think is to blame," Shepard said, "I think it's Saren. He betrayed the Council and the galaxy. He controlled your mother against her will. And he'll kill plenty more people if he gets the chance."
Liara nodded her understanding. Saren had set everything into motion; he was responsible for turning her mother into a tool to be used. He was responsible for pitting Liara and her mother against one another, knowing only one could survive. If anyone deserved her anger, it was him.
"But I wanted to tell you to be careful," Shepard added. "Anger and rage are powerful. They can control you, and make you do things you never imagined you would do. I can't distinguish between a slaver and an innocent batarian anymore. And when I lose control, it's like my body isn't even mine anymore. I've done things I'm not proud of because my heart demanded revenge. Don't let that desire for revenge consume you, Liara. It isn't worth it, and you don't want to be like me. It doesn't bring them back."
Liara didn't know what to say. She knew that Shepard had just shared with her something personal. After joining with the commander, Liara understood that it was not easy for her to admit that she ever lacked full control over herself. She understood that Shepard's concern for her ran so deep that she hadn't given a second thought to sharing the darkest memories of her past. She could easily recall the feeling of Shepard's arms around her, strong and sure and comforting. Perhaps Shepard didn't think about Liara in the same way she thought about the commander, but she did care. Shepard had seen Liara on the verge of drowning and had jumped in to save her. There was a connection between them, even if it could never be romantic.
"Thank you, Shepard," she said quietly.
Shepard just shook her head and smiled. "There's nothing to thank me for. You're not in this alone. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but no matter how much it hurts now, all things pass. It just takes a little time, and, in the meantime, you can lean on your friends."