Vic sat in front of Beckett's house for a solid fifteen minutes after getting in her car, her entire body shaking as she sobbed and tried to process what had just happened.
She had had such a bad feeling since their last shift and when she heard Beckett had called out today, she knew in her gut something was wrong. She had hoped her entire drive over to his house that she had been wrong, hoped that her gut was wrong because she would much rather always be doubting her intuition than have her fears be realized. Unfortunately for her, her gut was spot on and that was terrifying.
She had talked to plenty of civilians who were on the edge of ending it all, but it was so different when it was someone she knew, someone who had been her boss and who she had seen as so cold and closed off, someone who she and everyone else at the station disliked most of the time and were happy when he was no longer their boss and all of those things made her feel a weird sense of guilt after what she had gone through today. She knew from school that it was not on then, that Beckett's mental health was not their responsibility, but it didn't do much to alleviate how she was feeling.
This past year had been rough at the station as far as mental health went. They had just about lost both Maya and Jack pretty recently, and she knew that Ben and Theo were both very much struggling on and off.
Today had been such a sharp reminder that no matter who it was, that anyone could be struggling. It made her want to cry and scream and hug every single person she loved and tell them just how important they were to her. She checked her phone, seeing she had about twelve missed phone calls and at least twenty texts all from Theo asking where she was, demanding she come back. None of them were even remotely kind or concerned which just made her angry.
She had somehow managed to stop shaking quite as much, starting the car and heading back to the station, desperate to be around people she cared about. She was so emotionally exhausted and in desperate need of a hug from someone. At this point, she didn't really care who it was as long as it was someone she loved.
She got to the station, taking a deep breath before getting out of the car. Half of her wanted to call Diane and get her help with how she was feeling, but she knew the older woman had three kids who needed her and she didn't want to take her away from them if she didn't have to.
She figured there was someone she could talk to at the station. She really had no idea what she was and was not allowed to say to anyone because while technically she had no legal obligations to Beckett, what had happened felt very private and also it felt like she needed to keep it to herself. She had no desire to spread any kind of gossip around the station, but she also wasn't sure she would be able to sit with what just happened. She decided on her way into the station that she would just tell everyone she had been on a CrisisOne call that had involved someone who was thinking about taking their own life since technically that wasn't a lie. She just wouldn't include who it was she was with.
She wanted to either talk to Theo or Travis, though she knew Travis was likely busy with campaign stuff so she was thinking Theo would be her best option. Really, all she wanted was a hug and for someone to tell her it was going to be alright and to just be there with her so she didn't have to sit alone with the memories of the day.
She walked into the station, immediately going to the captain's office door, knocking and hearing a rough "come in" from the other side.
She took a deep breath before opening the door and going inside.
"Hey," she said, trying not to start crying as soon as she saw Theo.
"Where the hell have you been?" he asked, not really even looking at her, "You said you had a meeting with Diane this morning and you never came back. Do you know how that makes me look as a potential captain? Not knowing where my people are? It's bad enough that Sullivan and Herrera are running around rogue on calls not following orders. I don't need you off doing whatever the hell it is you were doing all day without telling me. I give you a lot of leeway to do things for CrisisOne around here but you cannot just go rogue. Ross is naming a new captain soon, and this kind of thing makes me look bad. Where the hell were you all day?"
Vic was honestly stunned beyond words at that point. All she had wanted was a hug from Theo and for him to tell her it was going to be ok and here he was yelling at her for saving someone's life.
"I…I had a call I had to go on," she stuttered, trying not to cry.
"There were no calls that came in today," Theo said, "As acting captain, I would have known about them. What were you doing?"
"You know what, it doesn't matter," Vic said, shaking her head, "You don't care where I was or if I was ok or if I am ok. All you are about is how it makes you look as captain. Go to hell Theo. I'm here now and I was on a CrisisOne scene all day."
"Is that how you speak to your captain?" Theo said, standing up from his seat.
"No," Vic said, "But it is how I speak to my boyfriend or whatever it is you are at this point, who is being an absolute ass. I…I don't have time for this tonight. I'll be upstairs if you need me. And if you want to punish me for today, fine. I don't care. I'm staying with Andy or Maya the next few days. I'm gonna go talk to them."
"Bishop's not here," Theo said, "I sent her home. She got knocked around a bit at the scene, and she seemed fine but still. After what happened before, I just wanted to be extra careful."
"Well, maybe I will call her," Vic said, "I'll be upstairs. Unless you are sending me home too?"
"No," Theo said, "I'm down too many tonight. But I might stick you on probation if you don't fix the attitude."
"Whatever," Vic said, walking out of the office as she slammed the door.
She hated fighting with Theo, but she was also too tired to deal with any more from him tonight. She still just wanted to fall into his arms and sob, but it was clear he wasn't in the mood.
She honestly had no idea what was going on with him and it scared her as much as it frustrated her. A year ago when she had been going through her abortion, he had been the most supportive and amazing man, and now, he was frustrated all the time, snapping at her and not listening.
After today, it made her scared for him, but she knew he was safe for now so she headed upstairs, planning on just going and laying in her bunk for a while until she was able to calm down because the last thing she wanted to do was scare the rest of the team tonight. However, on her way up, she just about ran into Andy on the steps.
"Hey," the Latina said, "Where have you been all day? Are you ok?"
That was all it took for Vic's face to crumple as tears filled her eyes at a rapid rate.
"Hey," Andy said, wrapping an arm around her friend, "Hey, let's go to my bunk ok?"
Vic nodded as Andy guided the way to the bunk area and into the lieutenant's bunk, closing the door behind them as Vic sat down on the bed, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Come here," Andy said, sitting down next to her friend, holding her close as Vic just cried.
"I'm really grateful you are in my life Andy," Vic said through her tears, "I just…don't ever forget that ok? You matter to me. I am glad you are here."
"Hey," Andy said, rubbing Vic's back, "I'm glad you are in my life too. What's going on?"
"I spent all day on a CrisisOne call with a person who wanted to end their life," Vic said, still crying as she looked at Andy.
"Oh Vic," Andy said, hugging her close again, "I am so sorry. I know how hard those calls can be."
"And he was a first responder," Vic said, trying not to reveal too much but also needing to talk about it, "And he has just recently lost someone close to him and he didn't want to talk about it. He tried to get help, but it felt too overwhelming so he left and was going to end it."
"Is he safe now?" Andy asked.
"Yeah, he got checked back into his treatment center," Vic said, "I stayed with him until they came to pick him up, but god Andy, he has been on the job for so long and he seemed like such a tough guy, but he was hurting so much more than we knew."
"We?" Andy said, confused.
"I mean than the people around him knew," Vic said, trying to walk it back.
"Wait," Andy said, looking at Vic, "Just lost someone, left treatment early…Vic, it wasn't…It wasn't Beckett was it?"
"You can't tell anyone," Vic pleaded, "I shouldn't have told you anything but I just…Please don't tell anyone."
"It was Beckett?" Andy said, dumbstruck, "Really?"
"Yeah," Vic said, "Please please don't tell anyone though. I noticed last shift that he wasn't acting like himself. He was apologizing and cooking steaks for everyone and just not being himself and then he gave Theo his axe that he got when he became captain and I just…I had a bad feeling so when he called out today, I knew something was wrong. When I got there, he was getting ready to donate all his stuff and I knew it was bad. I spent all day talking to him and god, he was hurting so much Andy. Something had to change. In the department as a whole, but in this house specifically. We are the station with CrisisOne in house and here we are missing the signs that are own are not ok. Something has to change before we start losing people for real. Today was a really close call, but he's not the first person this year who we have almost lost to mental health issues and something has to change. We are not healthy as a house."
"I know," Andy sighed, "I know it does. I know we are not ok. But I don't know what to do about it."
"I think maybe we need Diane's help," Vic said, "Or something. We need to do something because Beckett is the third person in just the past six months we have almost lost to this and those are just the people at 19 we know about. I mean, it hasn't all been the same thing, but something has to give before we find ourselves in Class A's ringing bells because I can't do that again."
"I think you are right," Andy said, "I think we need to do something. I don't know what the answer is, but I think Diane is a good place to start. She deals with this kind of stuff every day. I am at a loss right now. We need help."
"I can set an appointment with Diane tomorrow or the next day," Vic said, "I mean, she is always down to meet if she's free and I think we need to get this going sooner rather than later."
"I agree," Andy said, nodding, "I am free whenever."
"Maybe we should see if Maya and Theo and Sullivan want to join us too?" Vic said, "I mean, whoever is going to captain this station next needs to be in on this."
"Well, then we should invite Theo and Robert, but not Maya," Andy said, earning her a look from Vic, "Maya didn't step forward to be captain."
"Really?" Vic said, "What? Really? Is she ok?"
"She seems fine," Andy said, "I…I didn't ask. I mean, she got caught in a spinning scrubber at the carwash on the call today so she's probably not feeling awesome from that, but I think she's ok. She has seemed ok."
"Wait, caught in a spinning scrubber?" Vic said, "What the hell?"
"Through a series of bad choices made by Sullivan and me, we were in the car wash with injured civilians before the power was fully turned off," Andy said, "And there was someone who genuinely needed medical attention, but we should have waited. The call was a mess. This captain's race feels like a mess. Maybe Maya has the right idea staying out of it."
"We need leadership in this house," Vic said, "We need someone who can unite the team again, make us feel like an actual team again. Right now, I think the only person who can do that is you."
"What about your boyfriend?" Andy said. "At this point, I don't even know if he's still my boyfriend," Vic sighed, trying not to start crying again, "Something is going on with him and I don't know if it's the captain's race or everything happening in his old neighborhood or what it is, but he is icing me out and being…I don't know. He's not being Theo. I'm worried about him too honestly. God, something has to change in this house."
"Do you think Theo is in danger right now?" Andy asked, ready to go and check on him.
"No," Vic said, "At least I don't think so. He just…he's been on edge and not himself lately. He probably needs help on some level too, but if I try to tell him, he just accuses me of seeing my schoolwork in everyone around me. Which also could be happening, but I actually think that learning about all this stuff in school is just opening my eyes to what has been happening around me for years. Did you know we lose more firefighters to suicide than we do on the job? I mean, that is terrifying."
"I agree," Andy said, "And I agree something has to change around here. Let's call Diane in the morning and see if we can get a meeting set up with her because you are right, 19 is not doing well as a house."
Vic nodded, leaning her head on Andy's shoulder, exhaustion overtaking her entire body.
"How are you doing after today?" Andy asked gently, rubbing Vic's back.
"Honestly, I feel exhausted," Vic said, "Mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. I probably shouldn't even be here right now because I am not in a good headspace to work, but I don't want to be alone."
"Then you stay," Andy said firmly, "And if we get a call-out, I will make sure you are on something like external hoses or I can even tell Ruiz you aren't feeling well and you can stay behind at the station. Whatever you need tonight, that is what I will do ok? You don't have to deal with this alone."
"Thanks Andy," Vic said, offering a watery smile.
"What do you need right now?" Andy asked, "I know you aren't ok and I wouldn't expect you to be, but what can I do to best help you right now? Do you need to cry more or scream or throw something or talk or be left alone or dance or what can I do to help you through this right now?"
"Can we just…can we just sit here?" Vic asked, "I am sure you have other things to do, and I don't want to keep you from them, but for just like five minutes, can we just sit here together?"
"Vic, nothing I have to do is as important as being here for a friend," Andy said, "For you. If I have learned anything lately, it's that. We can sit here as long as you need or want to, ok? I'm not going anywhere. I am so sorry you went through what you went through today alone."
"I'm just glad I was there today," Vic said staring straight ahead, "Today, he wasn't Captain Beckett, the ass who pushes us all too hard. Today he was a man, terrified of his demons and thinking he only had one way out. It was heartbreaking to see him like that. To know he felt that way. And it just makes me wonder who else is feeling like that every day. Who else are we that close to losing?"
The tears started flowing again as Andy pulled Vic into another hug, feeling her own tears starting to pool in her eyes as the true impact of Vic's words sunk in, hoping that with Diane's help, they would be able to find some way to help before it was too late.