Lyrics to: Bed of Roses—Bon Jovi (1992)
Everyone wanted to crash—figuratively. Geeze, okay, maybe that isn't the best thing to say when Vanzilla's running.
Sitting on the first row behind the wheel, Luna stared out at the glass blankly, passing by street sights, buildings; cars with blinding lights. Her headphones hung around her neck; battery long left for dead. All that's left to accompany her was the sound of the engines… or maybe that was just Lynn from the back seat. She drummed empty hands on her thighs; fingers pressing invisible piano keys. For an hour this late, Royal Woods still roared with life. Mom fiddled with the stereo, switching to a station that played the soft riff of an axe. It instantly clicked in her just what that song was.
She grimaced. Sorry, 'rents, too full to handle your cheese right now.
I wanna lay you down in a bed of roses,
"Oh, honey," Dad slurred sluggishly. "It's our jam."
For tonight I'll sleep on a bed of nails
Mom turned the volume up, and she felt the speaker boom against her leg. "Sure is."
The entire fam knew the band, considering the 'rents were head-over-heels for them. Luna leaned her head on the window, her head buzzing as she closed her eyes. There came that hazy scene again, vivid like months hadn't just passed since. Singing after that bowling alley gig, just Sam and her, edge of the stage. Luna borrowed her acoustic, and covered A Rocket to the Moon's song, 'Baby Blue Eyes', saying it reminds me of you.
Oh, I wanna be just as close the Holy Ghost is
And Sam, oh, she was dead flushed, maybe teary-eyed, frozen in that moment in time. Luna giggled quietly; and all through that, she never knew that song was Sam's fav, yet it was.
And lay down on a bed of roses
She kept her grin up until Sam cupped her cheeks, and captured her lips without warning. Pulled back, and whispered "I love you."
Gravel crunched under the van as they hit a rocky surface. Their first kiss. Right under the duress of sore legs and an aching back from carrying the amps to the stage. Ah, yes, that was an October to remember.
A warm gust swept over her as Dad shifted on the front seat. The road was unwinding; rolling endlessly while the radio rocked on. Being wild and out of her inhibitions wasn't the only thing Luna craved; amidst the head banging and the adrenaline of music playing, came the thought of hitting the wheel too. Driving aimlessly the moment she could legally buy a car like Lori. Going nowhere, just anywhere—like a walk in the park late at night but on the road, on the wheels.
Luna's eyes fluttered open and she glanced over to her side, finding Lincoln cradling Lisa's head on his lap, eyelids on the brink of closing; head drooping then jolting. Droop, jolt.
Such time passed until Vanzilla stopped. She grimaced at the light right across their fence. Geez, Mr. Grouse's bulb can light up a whole neighborhood.
"Kids, we're home." Mom turned around as some of her siblings stirred. "Get changed. You can all continue sleeping once you're done."
She yawned, sliding the door open and slipping out. Can't lie, sleeping in a running vehicle sounds way more appealing.
Dad sluggishly unlocked the front door, and they all came into the house, going upstairs until each door clicked shut. Luna flicked the light switch on and dropped herself on the beanbag chair, barely accounting for the fact that Luan followed shortly after her. Shutting the door, she dropped to her bed with a tired groan. "I don't wanna get changed."
"Ditto, dude." Luna pulled her headphones out and tossed them up her bunk. "Party's over but we aren't."
Luan pushed herself up before leaning back on the headboard. Being the most festive out of their family, they both lived for the thrill of festivity: the counting down, the celebrating, but never winding down. "You better brush your teeth. Don't wanna be woken up over someone's breath of death, again."
"Like you don't have metal in your mouth." Luna shot her a joking glare, sharply jolting herself up before she dozed off on the seat. It happened before, and in the end, doc said no headbanging for a week. Dang. "Huh…Breath of Death… sounds like a catchy song title." She should hook Luce-change up to write lyrics for that. A little metal in the punk, maybe. That'd suit Spooky's style best.
"So, you told Lori, huh?" She started, her tone lowering. Luan took her yellow blazer off, exposing the long-sleeved blouse she wore underneath.
"She told you it was me?"
Luan rested the blazer on her lap, scowling at her impatiently. "Why?"
"What do you mean why?" Luna glared at her incredulously; since when was it a crime? " You've been keepin' up with this mood of yours and none of us know what to do! I thought she'd be able to help!"
Guess not.
"What do you even have to worry about?" Luan sneered. "I'm fine!"
Luna breathed in deep, slowly, trying to quell the churning in her stomach. And that was Luan to her. She'd throw everyone off and downplay it like last time. Tell her it's nothing. Never the type to talk about such; never seeing it to be as relevant as the next quip. She couldn't sit back and wait for more admission to unfold. Like hell, she would. Not with all the sibs talking about her, Lily crying over her, and Leni pushing her to do sometbing about it. It was unbearable. Whether she liked it or not, in this home studio, Luan had to face the music.
Luna rolled her eyes. "Like hell you are." She dropped her hands to her lap, tracing the edges of her bracelets.
She tried to ignore the fear coursing through her. If she set her straight or tried to, the more Luan fought. She had to rise with a soft melody, let the metronome tick right before she could pick up the pace. "Look, I just wanna know how you're feeling. You know, in your heart. What's it saying? Cause looking at you right now, I think it's speaking volumes."
Luan waved a dismissive hand. "I just had some bad reports. No biggie."
She growled in frustration, throwing her hand up exasperatedly. Having Lily open up was easier than her. "You mean to tell me you're acting up over a buncha bad reports?" Luna scanned her face. She was a slow-dying flower that knew, but accepted fate, somehow! "Then what about all those nights you stay up? All those days you'd snap at us over nothing. What was that, huh?"
Luan noticeably winced. "The stress has been getting to me. But I am trying!"
Luna's nails sunk into her denim jeans. "Trying to what? Act as some sort of saving grace? Why won't you just… let them flip the burgers on their own? They're not gonna pick up on anything if you're spoon-feeding them!"
"Yeah, of course, it's that easy! I should've thought of that sooner!" She hissed, flicking her wrist sardonically. "You don't have to worry about doing things for your groups!"
"You're right, I don't! But that's only because there's gonna be one person hoggin' all the work, which I'm pretty sure is what you're doing!"
She shook her head. "With the way my classmates work? It's not like I have a choice."
"You do. You just refuse it." Luna grumbled, wiping a hand down her face. "You have your gang, your boyfriend!" What ire Luan had faltered into troubled reflection. "You have people wanting to look out for you, dude; you're just too stubborn to see that!"
With pinched eyebrows, she stared at the wall grimly, eyes dancing to the posters of comedy gigs like it'd give her some sort of comeback. Crickets outside buzzed noise into the room. All the while, the jitters that kept Luna demanding answers sunk into something akin to disappointment. Did she not trust anybody enough, is that it? What was holding her back? She exhaled, slipping herself out of Luan's bedside to get their pajamas, nearly tripping on her boot's untied lace.
Cursing under her breath, she opened the closet, and picked out her nightshirt out of the folded pile. "You brought this onto yourself, dude." She said exasperatedly. "And it's hurting all of us too."
When Luan didn't respond, she shook her head, feeling frustration rise once more. "You're confusing me a lot, brah. It's so easy for you to act like the whole world's crashing down, but if anyone tries to help you pick the pieces, you refuse." Luna flung her nightshirt over her shoulder and pulled Luan's own pajamas out. "I'm getting sick of it. It's like you'd rather die than sacrifice a lil' pride."
"Luna, enough." Luan walked over to their closet and nabbed her pajamas right as Luna pulled them out. She was cracking. Luna could hear it in her voice. Her defenses were slipping. And frankly, so was her patience.
"There you go again." Luna watched as she walked back to her nightstand. "You're just gonna shut me out and then apologize for lashing out. Well, guess what? I don't need your sorry, I need the whole story!" She slammed the closet shut. "Cause if I have to deal with you snapping and breaking things one more time, I swear, I don't think I can deal!"
"Then don't."
A pathetic 'oh' threatened to slip out her tongue.
She couldn't even be mad. The sound of surrender in her voice was so strong. Like even she herself couldn't deal.
All the frustration left her at that moment."I don't got a choice. You're my sis. I'm stuck with you." Luna muttered softly, approaching where Luan stood. "Seeing you like this kills me just as much as it does you. And I can't watch you die without putting up a fight. Not on my watch, dude."
The only response she received was a sniffle. Her heart hollowed. Great. You made her cry. She thought to herself. Congrats, brah.
Stepping closer, she softly placed a hand on Luan's shoulder, hoping it'd soothe her, but Luan jerked away. Her frustration warred as remorse slipped through the cracks. Luna couldn't just sit and stare. She didn't get the story, she didn't get why Luan had to do the things she did to succeed, but that didn't matter. She was falling apart anyway, and it was her fault for pushing her too far.
It was a difficult move. Luna peeked at Luan's face. She looked away with bleary eyes. But she couldn't sleep knowing no closure to this. So, despite Luan's clear objections to comfort, she pulled her into a hug. She was slim, nimble but never like a feather. She didn't resist but was deathly still. Probably concentrating all of her energy into not breaking down right then and there. Luna felt her breath grow increasingly shallow until it hitched. Luan buried her head in her shoulder and shattered like a mirror in her arms. A mirror that she purposefully knocked over in hopes of finding a world under the surface.
The familiar twinge of guilt pooled in her stomach. She'd comforted her younger siblings in the past, whether it was Lincoln over a bully or Lola losing that Pretty Miss Groovy show, but not Luan. She never showed vulnerability like that. Never dared to.
Yet here she was. Luan's soft whimpers slipped into her ears, and helpless, all she could do was squeeze her tighter. This wasn't enough to help, but it was the only thing that felt right. "Sh... it's okay... it's okay." It might've been the last thing Luan wanted to hear. Things were tumbling down for her, but that was all she could say.
It was foreign in a sickening way, to see someone so positive crack and bleed black. Seeing someone so spontaneous forget how to articulate themselves. Luna felt her own throat tighten, but she had to stand her ground. Maybe she'd never truly understand the weight Luan carried, and that ate up at her. What'd it feel like, to live in constant stress she had? To be forced to keep up with a standard you couldn't attain anymore? To feel nothing but disappointment over achievements that normally would've had you skipping?
As much as it irritated her, she'd desperately take that pain away in a heartbeat. If she could.
If only she could.
The floorboards outside creaked, but they both overlooked it. Even when a looming thought told Luan she'd be embarrassed by this later; even when Luna knew that the other rooms heard them and Leni would probably snoop tomorrow morning, it didn't matter. What mattered now was that the walls finally broke. No more filters, no more lies.
Under the door, Luan's certificate slipped through. So much worse than a paper cut. It tore beyond the muscle. It took just that single piece of paper to cut her deeper than anyone could ever know.
For how long she'd carry the load, it only took an hour to drop it all.