And as soon as she pulled herself out of the debris, as soon as her sobs subsided and her breaths calmed, Luna sat them both down, said they'd have to talk everything out; that she had to know more and needed to, and Luan only nodded, too drained to object.
After changing, Luna sternly asked her to start over, with what's been going on and why. Telling her she wanted to understand with no trace of judgment; that all she needed to do was lay the cards on the table. That's when she realized Luna wasn't just here to lend an ear. She was here to walk with her into the depths of her suppressed emotions, to know and make sense of it all along with her.
That's the thing, though…
She couldn't. It was like untangling knots on oily hair… so confusing to explain, without sounding like a self-important brat. To picture it out without painting herself as the hero, the posh monarch tossing out his bread crumbs to the needy. And she was already embarrassed enough, having her dignity stripped away from her again. Having to break. Having Luna build her to pieces again… gave her a shudder. It felt like... if Lincoln walked in on her changing. Humiliating.
But as Luna turned the lights off, gesturing for her to turn the lamp on instead, she knew there was no getting out of this anymore. They cleaned up their act. Washed off the dry tears and running mascara, and residue makeup off their faces; ready to crash.
And by crash, as in, drop the glass. Let the depths, the waters of their thoughts flow.
Luan sat on the edge of her bed, elbows propped on her knees, and in her hands, she wanted to crumple: this… certificate.
For making it 23rd on the overall honor roll. Grade point average (GPA) of 3.4.
Awarded on the 21st of January 2017.
She ruminated on the thought of ripping it. Waste good card paper. Just to spite the school. No value in it now.
Sighing, she slipped it into the nightstand drawer.
Glancing to the side, Luna waited across her, leaning back on the throw pillow she propped up the wall.
She was serious. Luan thought, stomach-churning in uneasy anticipation. "You have to understand; I'm not being arrogant when I say it." Luna stared at her skeptically, sitting across her at the edge of the lower bunk bed. "But my classmates… they're so…" Luan flicked her wrist around, struggling to articulate. "Lacking."
She reached over to her side, grabbing the neck of her acoustic guitar, as she always does whenever they had late-night talks. It kept the atmosphere balanced, plus it gave her hands something to do. She mindlessly plucked its strings. "Lacking how sis?"
"In everything," Luan admitted dryly. "I gave them work before, but they can't handle it. I'd always have to revise it. This goes with every group project we had. And I'm the only one they usually look up to."
Luna looked down at her guitar, conflict glimmering in her eyes. That explained her fatigue and her late-night sleeping. But she knew that already. "I get that dude… but something specific must've been going on with you, has there?" It was more of a statement than a question. She held some of her words back. Words in this scenario were dire. Luan was an emotional eggshell farm she had to navigate through. "It's not you to just… react like this under constant stress."
"Well, yeah, something did happen." Luan looked down at the lump of her legs protruding under the blanket, the air visibly shifting. She flashed back to the event, how hard she worked for it all, how it all blew up on her face and her classmates pitied gazes. The humiliation she felt.
She blinked rapidly to cool the searing heat pooling in her eyes. There was no avoiding the topic, without Luna's insistence, but she didn't wanna feel it. Not again.
Luna returned strumming. It helped her think. It was clear something tugged at her heartstrings, but Luan wouldn't fess up. A part of her wanted to reach out, but she stopped herself. Luan wasn't a fan of being touched. It made her feel worse, more vulnerable. Babied. She'd already done a heck of a stunt with that embrace.
So, instead, she rested her guitar on her lap and shifted to face her directly. She was a lyricist; studying words, their tone, their…vibe, it's her biz. "What was it?"
It was pushy. It could've gone softer, but it wasn't like she could re-record her voice note. This was all live, here and now. Only improv could convince Luan now, and if there was one thing Luna was good at, it was being spontaneous with the words in her heart. "Don't shut me out, sis. I wanna understand you. I wanna help you, even if that just means I'm listening. I can't do this if you're not gonna meet me halfway." Their gazes met, Luan's flickering with reluctance still. Luna could only hope she found trust in hers.
Luan studied her face, a little foreign and bare now that her eyeshadow and mascara washed out. Yellow twinkled in her eyes, glinting sincerity. Maybe even desperation, had she not been wrong. Suddenly, the world felt grounded again. This is real. Her heart jerked. I'm human. I'm still human.
"Buckle up," Luan finally said, a soft smile crossing her face. "Cause I'm gonna pull you through all five stages of grief."
Luna rolled her eyes playfully. "Get on with the story, luv."
For a long time, they sat beside the soft golden glow, acoustic tunes ringing as Luan told her tale. One thing she emphasized was the hefty load of group work she carried on alone. Everything else was scattered, beginning from the very highlight of the week, briefly mentioning a bummer report with Ms. Dublin, to Mr. Fernandez, to the little bits and pieces of work that stacked themselves up until she rendered herself too busy to breathe.
Luna was left stunned as she opened it all up to her, and clarified it. And somehow everything she and Leni debated and discussed started making sense. She lost it all in the hopes of winning. All the nights she compromised sleep, the outings she rejected, the times when she'd give and receive none, and what did all that give her? A rank lower than the ones who asked so much of her. It was almost like a betrayal, in a way. "But it doesn't matter… not anymore. I should just be glad I'm even on the list."
That felt like a direct slap to what she used to tell her. "It does matter." She stated; her voice resolute. The world was never meant to play fair, but she couldn't blame Luan for feeling crushed over the reality. "I was wrong. The honor roll doesn't mean as much to me, but I get it. You wanted it. You risked for it."
Luan waited for her to say more, and Luna couldn't help a sheepish grin. She was befuddled, what else could she have said? "Is it too late to say congrats?"
Luan scoffed in amusement. "Too early actually." She quipped. "Wait until the second-semester recognition comes, then you can say it again and mean it."
Luna chuckled wryly. Their standards were different, and it came sinking in only now. It wasn't like she knew Luan's classmates well enough to know if they were truly deserving of their grades. It's not like she saw, felt, or experienced what Luan had first-hand to judge. But taking her word for it, the issue here wasn't her at all. It was the system itself. There were too many projects, too little hands, too little time to keep up.
And it started making sense. It spread and soaked through her mind. This was what the smart kids in her batch went through? Thank the rock gods she had a different path ahead of her to care about education.
Despite the jokes they exchanged, Luna knew just by the slouch in her disposition and the zombified look in her eyes that Luan needed so much more than a listening ear. It was time she rebounded the same energy she used to carry. She's lost her touch, sure, but Luna had enough silver lining to share. "You still got things looking up for you. You still love theater and hey, we get to go to the fest together. That's gotta count for something, right? You're just…" Luna narrowed her eyes, snapping her fingers to find the word. "In a little drought, that's all! Like... what was that thing you always used to say when you were dehydrated?"
"I'm still waiting on that juice?"
She couldn't help but snort at the feeble attempt of a joke. "No! The one with the—oh, yeah! In every dry spell, the rain comes pouring through eventually. So, you know, high hopes, dude; that's what you'd tell me if we switched spots."
Luan wanted to rebut but found it pointless to continue talking. Instead, she gave her a simple nod, letting her hold the conversation torch for now.
The golden glow of the lamp painted a heavy picture; expressing the shell of what Luan used to be. It wasn't noticeable in her appearance, but she felt it during their brief embrace. Luna placed her guitar to the side, laying it down on the front of their bed, before turning back to her, feeling her arms grow cold in anticipation. "I know this'll sound random but, have you been eating right? You're so much… lighter now."
That was random. Luan blinked, eyes drifting down in thought. "I mean, yeah?"
She was still worried but knew everything wrong going on couldn't just be squeezed in one heart-to-heart, so Luna left it at that.
Luan yawned. "We should go to bed," She said. "Or in this case, you."
"Yeah… yeah." Luna shifted out of the bunk, feeling an icy pang to her chest. It didn't feel right to just leave after all this. To end it just like this. There was a niggling part of her wanting more. A deeper talk, maybe even some exchange of long-overdue affection, because if it wasn't a serenade, then it was a warm embrace. That's how she showed her love, but Luan wasn't a fan of it, and Luna couldn't blame her.
She held the rung of her ladder; biting the inside of her cheek before reluctantly speaking again. "Hey, promise me something." Luan turned to her. "I know it's not you to wanna talk about your problems, but—"
"I know." Luan quickly interrupted; her stomach queasy from the sap.
Luna chuckled, shaking her head. "Just…just take this as a lesson. I got my doors open anytime you need something; just… knock around, and… talk to me, alright?" Luan avoided her gaze but nodded in response. "Yell, bite back at me if you need to. It's better than destroying something than regretting it."
"Yeah," Lua smiled, her eyes mirthless. "Thanks, Luna."
She pointed a finger gun at her in approval, before glancing at the clock on the nightstand. One already? "Well, g'night, sis." Luna shot her one last smile, before climbing up her bunk.
"Night too, Lunes." And with a few shifts below her, the room switched to pitch black.
Yeah… so that was it. Luna thought. What was she expecting, huh?
She slipped under the comforter, before turning to face the darkness where her wall was. As Luan's soft snores filled the room, the sting of guilt returned. This same girl was the most optimistic force the world has ever got, but even she wasn't immune to falling down the abyss. Her breakdown was just proof of what she couldn't share with the world, with her own sister. Her roommate. To know that she felt inadequate all this time, and chose to shut it out made her question: how much do you trust me as your big sis?
How reliable am I as a big sis? All those days she shrugged it off and told her sibs to do the same hit her with a tidal wave. I couldn't… she blinked profusely as tears clouded her eyes.
She dwelled over everything Luan said, and her heart sank. Not even the warm blanket could cover this. She had misunderstood this whole time. None of it was Luan's fault. All she wanted to do was excel, and there was nothing wrong with being ambitious… until said ambition was used against you. How could Luan just slap a stronger work ethic, and a sprinkle of time management when her enemies weren't of her own, rather it was the teachers who had driven her to the edge of her sanity. She's merely a victim of her past wrongdoings and the present circumstance.
No, Luna wasn't gonna let her fight alone. Not anymore. She tucked her hand under the pillow, finding firm support beneath the feathers, a reminder that through the soft support of care, she still had to knock some sense into her sooner or later. Because in the grand scheme of things, she was saying hello to goodbye—rushing the flow of time and life, all for a buncha papers, ranks, that won't even matter in due time.
And if that meant she had to force Luan to drop this gig, even if it hurt, even if it meant she had to fail like she thought she would, then so be it. What good would success do when your body gives out in turn for it?
She closed her heavy eyes and drifted off to sleep. By the morning, she hoped that tonight wouldn't fade into a forgotten memory, all with the hope that this heart-to-heart wouldn't just become a thing of the past.