That nap didn't compensate for the two days she'd spent squeezing, wringing the life out of her head.

And for a second there she thought it'd help her forget everything, or magically take the fever away. Ironically, it was the weight in her head and the ice-cold drop in temperature that had her scrambling for a blanket.

For how many times she wished to grow faster and move out in her own space, there was something so cold, so empty about waking up alone with no idea what time it was, or where your bag even was. Luan shuffled and rubbed her socked feet under the blanket. In a moment, there was only pain, physical pain; then suddenly, everything returned in a tidal wave: that dignity-destroying blizzard of a play, the tongue-lashing, the swearing… God, she did that?

She did that.

Everything was a blur from there, though she could faintly remember mom speaking with her. She couldn't picture it out but she felt her warm hands cooling her cheeks; her soothing voice, reassuring her that they'd make this work, that she'd be taken care of. That she'd just go work-from-home in the meantime... Something along those lines.

Never should've… Luan grumbled. Walking out without a cap under the snow led to this. This was her fault. Now what? Everyone gets to suffer? Mom gets to suffer?

This would make it worse, but br… she shuddered under the warming fabric, teeth clattering as she pulled her arms huddled into her chest; what else was she supposed to do?

Click.

She froze as footsteps emerged in the room. The familiar drum in them told her it was boots.

She closed her eyes and tried to ease up on her breathing. Luna would want an explanation, after what just happened.

Please don't. Luan inhaled slowly. Somehow everything just feels so much more intense when you're bottling it up. Go on your way. I'm asleep.

The boots thudded closer… Luan opened one eye and found her silhouette gracing the wall. What little space left on the edge of the bed dipped; just then, a warm hand enclosed itself on her shoulder. "Hey," Luna murmured. "Wake up."

Her heart jolted; no. I won't.

That was a dumb thought. Who would wake someone up deliberately for no reason? Of course Luna wanted something, and there was no running over it.

"Sis," She said a little louder, her voice softer than usual. "Get up. You gotta eat. Can't drink meds on an empty stomach, y'know."

She's gonna ask about it. She's gonna ask about it. If not now, later. Luan ignored her reluctance and shifted sluggishly, pretending to have woken up right then and there. "Luna?"

Her voice came out croaky and frail, close to a whisper barely brushing past the air. Luna pulled her hand away as she rolled to her back. Luan's eyelids fluttered as she adjusted to the bright lights of the room. She couldn't help but feel a wave of frustration seep as she glanced at the paracetamol, at the plate of dad's beef stroganoff, her favorite dish. Was she still sane? After all that? What's next? She was gonna… she was gonna tear this room apart? Tear her apart?

The words came out of her mouth before she could think, a sardonic prick to the bone. "Is this what you wanted, brah?" Luna didn't miss the flash of skepticism in her eyes as she pulled herself up on the bed. "We didn't know what to do with the cert since it was all ripped up, so we threw it out. Want us to do the same to Mr. C or what?"

Luan shook her head, her ponytail swooshing. "D-Don't touch him."

Realizing her mistake, Luna's face relaxed, and she picked the plate up and handed it to her. Normally, she'd just bring the plate up here and call it a day, but after what happened, how could she?

"Thanks…" Luan muttered feebly, accepting it.

For a moment, Luna flitted her gaze to the heavily decorated wall, mindlessly reading the names of bands and famous comedians in her head. If only you knew, just how many questions I got for you.

The atmosphere was somber and unlike how it usually was in their room, only the sounds of cutlery grating platter and Luna was afraid that with this push and pull dynamic they had now, it was gonna be the new normal. She couldn't let that happen. When did talking to your own roomie become so hard?

"You okay?" Rewind, rewind; that didn't even need to be asked. Luna gave her a half-hearted smile. "That thing you did back there… that was killer."

Luan raised her brows with a swallow. What was she talking about?

"You do know what you just got yourself into, right?" Luna continued, to her confusion. "Pretty sure you're gonna be the talk of the school for days."

"Oh…" Luan felt her appetite fade, and she set the half-empty plate aside, crossing her arms coldly. That. "Yeah, whatever."

Feeling regret wash over her, Luna dropped the subject. The little tremors in Luan's body language told her this wasn't the right time to be guilt-tripping her now. She pressed a hand over her forehead, before harshly wincing back. "Geeze, dude, you're boiling hot. Drink your meds already. Here." She popped the pill and reached out for the glass of water, studying her sickly appearance with a grimace. "Tried running off in the snow, did ya?"

Luan pulled the glass out of her lips before wiping. "How'd you know?"

Luna clicked her tongue in disapproval, her face tensing. Look where that's gotten them. "Could've sworn I saw a little hint of dandruff on ya," She narrowed her eyes playfully, leaning closer to scan her hair. "Or was it something else?"

Luan let out a chuckle, the word winter popping in mind. Win… winter… what pun could I make outta that? "You made your guess. There's snow way out of getting out of this one."

You…no, no… winter? She inwardly cringed. Surrender. Surrender.

That lame pun made Luna's face light up a little, and she let out a small laugh. "The 'rents know what's going on." She spilled. "They're gonna contact the admins again to see what we can do about this… system of theirs."

"They know?" Her mouth dropped. The breakdowns, the bad reports, the times she snapped, the times she stayed quiet? Everything?

"What else were we supposed to do?" Luna never wanted it to come to this, and she knew Luan was keen on it too. The nightstand thudded as she placed the empty glass down. "You're spiraling, Luan. This has to end."

"How'd they react?" Luan pulled herself back until the pillow was sandwiched between her back and the headboard.

Luna looked away, pursing her lips. "N-not very good, brah." Their eyes locked once more. Trepidation in Luna's. "They wanna drop you out."

The shivers stopped. Her nerves froze into steel. "What!?"

It was like reaching the highest altitude and dropping back down to where gravity hit. As fast as everything stilled, it came back, twice as cold. Mom and dad were dropping her out!? What about… finishing high school!? What about her friends, Benny!? Reaching out, she tugged at the blankets, but Luna stopped her.

"That's gonna make your fever worse." She studied Luan's shivering form. "I'm gonna get you an ice pack. Don't move."

Despite the news wracking her already frayed nerves, Luan found a little humor in her words. When Luna walked out, she tossed her legs down the edge of the bed and headed to the closet. Ooh, I'm moving, She sang-sung mentally, pulling her pajamas out and changing into them.

Mom and dad are dropping me out.

The thought assailed her like a screech blaring through her ears. She ditched her skirt for the plaid pants, peeled her blouse off and slipped into the top. As she began buttoning it from the top, uncertainty creeped over her. Then again, maybe it was the only thing they could do. They couldn't just change the system. They couldn't just go up there and tell them to tone it down with the projects; that's been set from the beginning. Lori, Leni, even Luna had their share of it, but good for them. They're average students. Good on them, for not flaunting their greatness even if they had their potential.

Right as she fumbled with the last bottom down, Luna opened the door, causing her to jump.

"Chill, brah," Luna grinned as the door clicked behind her, ice pack in her hand. "It's just me."

She returned to the edge of Luan's bunk and gestured to her to lay down. Complying, Luna then placed it on her head; the cooling sensation contradicting the way her chills lessened… fire with fire, ice with ice, get it?

That was lame. But better than nothing.

The gesture was greatly appreciated, and she beamed at Luna with the biggest smile she could give, though with a body and face feeling both hollow yet heavy at the same time, she didn't know if it was much.

Luna didn't return it though. Her eyes flickered with trouble; a rare bout of concern rarely seen from her carefree attitude. It was like she was trying to read her mind in a way. Luna pulled her hand away from the ice pack, resting it on her side instead, before looking to the wall. It creeped her out. "Why'd you have to wait, dude?"

As cryptic as it was, it still hit like a kick to the teeth. "What?"

"It's in conflict you see who a person really is, you know?" Luna glanced at her. "You're so goddamn stubborn."

Normally, she'd consider that a compliment. "Luna, you know it's not my fault—"

"I know." Luna said sternly, still avoiding her gaze. "But still. You never came to us for help. You never bothered opening up. You chose to lash out, even when you knew I'd listen. Wasn't our talk enough?"

Luan opened her mouth to defend herself, but quickly shut it. That's how I've always been. She heard Mr. Coconuts' voice in her head. Sorry if it's making your belly ache.

What came out of her instead, sounded so much weaker. So pathetic. "No, it was more than enough." Luan said, a hint of nausea in her voice. It's smothering. "But it's not your fault… don't feel bad."

"But I do, man! I do!" She jerked as Luna suddenly spiked her voice. Luna looked at her again, this time with a frustrated scowl. She propped her elbows on her knees and stared at the ground. "I don't wanna be the one pushing you to talk to me. I want you to come to me on your own. I want you to trust me with these things. Don't you?"

Luan's heart twisted at the crack in Luna's voice at the last statement. The sound reverberated like a script that resonated with her. Don't I? "Of course, I trust you, it's just…"

Just what? It's like all the reasons left her for dead.

When Luan couldn't speak, Luna growled and smacked her lips together in irritation. "You don't." She stated. "Don't lie to me, dude. I get it. I know we both got our own symphonies going, but Luan, you know I'm your sister. You know I can see things that you probably overlook about yourself. And it's damning to see you like this."

She reeled back and sunk deeper into her pillow. Wanting to be sucked into it. Don't guilt-trip me now.

"That's always been your issue." Luna licked her chapped lips. "You never let anyone in, even when we're knocking. I wanna help you. For real this time. Maybe I can't… maybe I can't fight the system, and do your work for you after what happened last time, but I could've been your wonder wall. Your sponge when you need to cry."

Luan furrowed her eyebrows. "But I don't need that." She quickly dismissed, her own defiance rising. "I can throw tantrums all I want, it'd be pointless! It's not like It'll fix things! Y-you just don't get it!"

Luna didn't take it gently. She clenched her fists against the sheets. "We all go through stuff like this. When we're trapped. Trust me, we're all bleeding the same way you do," She said slowly, almost as if she was grasping on to her chipping composure. "What are you waiting for? Just… some miracle to dazzle you? That's not how it works. Sometimes, there's just nothing you can do to change things, and it's heavy."

Her face shifted into grave worry, and she adjusted the ice pack on Luan's head. It unsettled her. Why was she so smothering today? Luna sucked her lips in, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. Pulling away, she scratched the side of her nose, blinking rapidly. She could hear the slight sniffle coming from her, and as much as she wanted to console her, it was never her strong suit. How was she to go about it?

Luna sighed exasperatedly, looking at the half-empty plate growing cold. "You full?"

Thank God she stopped. Luan nodded.

She had no idea that'd be the last time she's pushed.

It has been a week, and my fever is still up and running, although inconsistent.

A week of just chicken noodle soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Luan thought as she typed, bile rapidly rushing up her throat. She swallowed it down. Madness.

My stress during the time of the event, along with my already weak immune system and the unpredictability of winter triggered the sickness. It was then I missed school without a single notice.

I will admit that I have my flaws where it's found and I take responsibility for all the mishaps I had gone through. However, due to the following sequence of events happening all at once, with no ample room to breathe, see where this has gotten me now. I've considered myself a savvy at stage performance, but up until the last one, I had found myself nerve-wracked despite being known for doing improvs excellently.

She heard shifting outside and nearly jolted out her seat in a panic. Her siblings were home.

Almost done… Luan kept a thin lip, the last burst of motivation quelling within her. Just a few more lines to go…

As of two weeks after that last encounter, I can tell you, yes, I am still sick. Not in the body, but in the mind.

I've been convinced to come back under a bargain; like removing Miss Dublin and Mr. Fernandez out of my classes would help. I refused.

Besides, after all that humiliation? The whole school knew her. She couldn't come back.

After her last visit, courtesy of the guidance counselor, Luan never knew she could feel so nauseous just by stepping foot into a building, full of stray guns ready to shoot. Her classmates, teachers, and club mates. Stop for a second to chat, and kappow. They hit her with the questions. The 'comebacks, the 'we miss you's. It felt like walking into a war without armor.

And God only knew if she came across Mr. Fernandez and Ms. Dublin, who rightfully so, were reprimanded for their wrongdoings. Mr. Fern for his knack for flaking, then bombarding work under time duress, and Ms. Dublin for her anger management problems. It's unsure if she'd pass her evaluation as a student-teacher, better yet, if she'd graduate this year.

"Can't I just stay in here?" And maybe the panic attack resurfaced, right before, and during the time she came into the school. It took mom and dad a while to get her to calm down before dragging her out of Vanzilla. "If they ever ask anything, just ring me up."

"Sweetie," Mom turned to her from the passenger seat. "They wanna hear your story. From your perspective. It's best that you'll be the one explaining it to them."

"We'll be your voice of reason." Dad reassured her with a smile. "All you have to do is say what happened."

Why she'd panic, Luan didn't know. It felt similar to being on trial, being a victim forced to repeat what happened to them. She hated it, and knew just like a lawyer to the opposing side, she'd be accused of being irresponsible, or not being resilient enough. As fixed as she normally was with her arguments, this one was a little unsteady boat. They were right, though. She led herself onto this. She made dumb decisions and now she was paying her body's debt. She didn't deserve to complain about it. She didn't deserve to break.

Mom and dad had to calm her out of a panic attack before dragging her into the halls. She clung onto them the entire time, practically burying herself into their clothes, hoping not a soul could peek at her and ask.

I am beyond grateful for your offer to shift me into homeschool instead. It is definitely a better course of action as to me dropping out.

This is my story. I hope you take the time to read this and reflect on whether or not my proposal is worth appealing for.

She threw her legs out of the stool, already tingling to stand.

Hoping for your consideration.

Luan Loud

Student

And. Ctrl + S.

Luan stood up, rubbing her dry eyes.