Lyrics to: Never Too Late—Three Days Grace (2007)

Unless she answered… honestly.

There was no use. She could only watch everything unfold before her.

The microphone buzzed in front of her with the sound of her breathing. She shredded harder, the amp buzzing violently against the cement, against the grain of her boot. With a full chest, she began gushing, pouring it all out.

"Even if I say, "It'll be alright"

Still I hear you say, you want to end your life

Now and again we try to just stay alive

Maybe we'll turn it all around, 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late"

The last chord echoed, buzzing with the aftermath of her yell; all the words she wanted to tell her. All the words she wished Luan would listen to. Honestly? She wouldn't.

Luna grumbled under her breath, dropping herself back on one of her amps. That's all she'd done following the fever; wallowing in the garage for hours until it was time to go up, give Luan her meds, and come back down. In her dwelling place, she'd worship music in itself, screaming until she'd remember that this Logan V-80 shredder was her lifeline. Her first love. She knew the chords by heart, the precise amount of pressure to place on the strings for that perfect zing. Remembered that tiny chip it had on the edge from that time her guitar strap snapped. Noted long before that she'd never use leather straps again.

The once, earth-shattering, ear-ringing riffs of her axe became softer, staccato plucks. She tried to play D minor, but her finger slipped a little above the B string, and she nearly lost it. She shifted to B flat, then C, pressing the strings so hard it'd leave gash creases on her fingers. Making sure that this time, no accidents came. You're a rock God, Lunes; stop messing this up!

Swallowing through her aching throat, she strummed, up, down, four-times, down,down, down…

"The world we knew won't come back

The time we've lost can't get back

The life we had won't be ours again"

As her voice cracked at the last word, Luna stopped and rode through the tremors of her rising emotions. Her eyes were burning up. Her breath hitched and she blinked it back fast, looking down on her purple shredder through glassy vision. This was an extension of her. This is the extension of her.

Not… her own flesh and blood. Not her own roommate. Not the sister she was physically and most emotionally closest to. Not at all.

Yet when Logan's strings needed replacing and the saddle began to separate from the body, she was fine. A little bummed out, because the greens weren't always around, and so was Chunk to fix it… but those things were replaceable, right? She'd just go acoustic, maybe dip into her humble beginnings with classical instruments like violin.

But Luan… God, you can't just replace your own sister. What she's become, it was unfamiliar. A panic-induced, lashing-out mess born out of months of constant stress, of pent-up lava seeping at the cracks in rapids. She was a closed-up flower, wilting at the ends, and no matter how much she watered her, pampered her, pushed her to talk, she just slunk back into herself again and again. At this point, with the fever slowly eating her alive, something told her school was just the tip of the iceberg. She was out of school now, free from the restraints of what stressed her out, right? Why was she still so… empty?

It wasted her so much time it wasted her to worry, to cancel plans, to check in, especially now that she was on babysitting duty. Luan was alive. Why couldn't she start acting like it? Why did she have to act so dead?

It was a selfish thought; Luna knew that much. But still, it was justified to be mad over this; the things Luan's making her feel. To make her grieve over a person who hadn't even died. To feel eaten away over a suicide that hadn't even happened. To feel like she could've done more for wanting to open a door that she was locked out of.

Maybe Lisa and Lincoln were right. Maybe this is what depression looks like.

Nothing like she'd seen before, that's for sure.

She pushed herself up, and slipped the axe through her head and leaned it on the stand beside her. A week passed since they last interacted— apart from the small exchanges of 'take your meds', or reminders of rest. Was there a point in pushing it? At least Mom and Dad were trying. At least they were trying… because from the looks of it, Luan had given up on herself first.

That sign in itself should've been her green light to fight her battle for her. Luna tucked her hands into her purple hoodie, heading out and hooking the bottom of the door. It made a grinding sound as she lifted it up, and the outside world was back in sight.

The front yard, once warm and full of life, had become a bed of gray-colored snow. Br… she shuddered, trailing her eyes up to the sky where flakes fell.

Whatever, play it cool, Lunes. That's what Sam said. Play it cool.

After all, you can't fight for someone who wants to surrender so adamantly.

Quickly, she rushed to the porch and opened the door, jolting as she found Luan on the couch.

"You scared me." Luna felt her thudding heartbeat recede.

Instead of a sneer, or maybe even just a snort, Luan simply turned back to the TV, her eyes feverish and face flushed. It wasn't getting any better for her. "You scared yourself."

Though a major part of her was resenting the circumstances leading to now, how could she ever drop the sister she grew closest to; the one who followed almost every step, every style, every route she took? Especially when she needed someone the most? A part of her wanted to sit by; start a conversation. Whatcha watching? Say it's nothing, comment on whatever it was, go on from there… but… She scuffled the snow out her boots, before stepping over to the kitchen.

Play it cool. "Want a drink?"

Luan shook her head and she proceeded there on her own.

On the outside, it seemed like Luan was too invested in Mimes in Miami to look past anything beyond the four corners of the screen, but no. Her mind was flooding with thoughts far from the silly silence this show once brought her. Watching mimes walk around in mute only exacerbated the thought.

People were blowing her phone up with questions, some scrutinizing, some worrying; bottom line was that they all wanted her back. Back just so they'd have a sponge to soak in all their projects, just so they'll get easy grades, no effort.

And while she wanted to laugh at their faces, flip them off like she'd done with Mr. Fernandez—who, now thinking about it, she did go too far with that one, she couldn't. She couldn't be cocky for leaving the school behind. At the idea of dropping them all to suffer and going off on a forever trip to the tropical islands. Heck. The prospect of dropping out petrified her. For someone as ambitious as she was, that was every star kid's nightmare. She had so much to live for in high school, and—

It's not like she lived it out even when she was there, anyway. She dismissed her friends, pushed Benny aside, and ignored most club meetings until FOT came up just because…grades.

Mom and Dad insisted on it. Academic break, if you will. It wasn't a big deal to then to have her take a year off, but no! Her classmates were gonna move up while she was staying? She'd be left behind then!

"Life isn't a race, sweetie, you have so much time to grow." Mom reassured her. "It's either you take a break, or you'll break."

And they couldn't compromise that even when she'd already done it.

How much it affected her friends, mom, dad, and siblings—Leni, and Luna especially, taunted her with her biggest career failure yet. You can annoy people, you can get a rise out of them, as long as you can see that deep inside, they were getting amusement out of it.

Her family may have gotten the jokes too well that it bore them now, but Luan saw through it. They secretly admired her wit, it showed in the way sometimes Lana would choke on her milk during breakfast. Or when Lynn's dimple would creep out amid a scoff and a 'shut up, Luan.'

And now what? It went from them shunning her down to pleading just to get her to talk.

She heard the sink clank and not long later, Luna stepped out of the kitchen. She felt her stare creep onto the side of her neck, before Luna walked upstairs. Wood creaking under her boots.

It pushed her off the deep end to be pried, especially by the one who did it the most. But now that Luna just casually passed her by, despite the clear concern on her face. Ouch.

Eh, why ask for something you don't want, right?

She crossed her arms to keep her hands warm, resting her heavy head against the backrest. With slit eyes, she watched the protag slip down an escalator, and his lover, rushing right to his side and cradling his head, calling out for help mute in a bustling, colorful mall. This was the gag of the show; just two silly, black and white mimes living in the summertime wonderland that was Miami. They were supposed to be weird, like outlanders living in the big city, left out and trying to navigate independently.

It was supposed to be funny. It was supposed to remind her of Benny and her. The way the man slept exaggeratedly while his woman faked a sob as people watched on would've cracked her up instantly, the bad acting was everything to her.

But… now she just felt a little… what's this… envious?

Gus is a lucky man. Look how loyal this woman is. Despite his stupidity!

Her mind reflected back to reality, a concept far from her comfort zone; and a familiar sinking sensation pulled her heart down. Maybe it would be nice to be held like that. To be cradled like a little kid all over again. To be helped by just… having to bleed it out.

Out of her own sheer will this time.

Luan remembered how it was a week ago, when she woke her up to drink medicine. How she found out that she was actually sick. And she remembered how she opened her mouth to speak, but seeing the exhausted look on her older sister's face stopped her. Even more so that right after being woken up to drink, Luna left the room and hadn't come back for hours. Her initial thought being, someone must've given up, already, huh?

And she was right. Nobody acknowledged a thing. It's like one day, they just stopped caring. They just stopped talking. Like her name just…. Stopped getting murmured around in rumors and speculations.

Then Leni took care of her in the morning the next day. With a smoothie meant to induce relaxation, she asked her again, everything that happened in her perspective. She told her the gist of it, but just like her jokes, Leni didn't get it. "Why didn't you just say no?"

No? You think it's as easy as saying no?

Her mind clocked out the instant she asked, and there came another mood swing. She lashed out, but quickly felt bad when regret crossed Leni's face. She didn't mean it as an attack, or as an insult like the naysayers did. She just wanted to know.

Then as the morning bled into noon, when the temperature would be at its peak, Leni notified her that when she was at work, Luna would take charge.

And her stomach churned at that. "What's up with her anyway?" She could faintly recall how Luna wanted answers from her; did she say anything? Did she answer those? Luan couldn't remember that.

Leni sat by the edge of her bed; her smile still worn but faltering. "Look, Luan," She started seriously. "Me and Luna had been talking a lot… About you."

They were? Luan's eyebrows jerked up in skepticism. Leni thankfully took the hint. "We've seen how you were, observed it all this time until the whole family eventually noticed it too. We're worried about you. Everybody is." She explained; her voice gentle but insistent on the point. "But we just don't know how to help you. And… I guess Luna just grew tired of it."

Luan was stunned. So, their talk after the recognition meant nothing? That didn't count as something to her?

Leni read her shock, but decided to overlook it, speaking on her own terms too. Like this was the only opportunity she had to say it. "We just wish you were more open to us; you know. We're sisters—we've always had each other's backs time and time again." Normally, she'd be defensive about it but the honey in Leni's tone deemed her mute. "I know Luna's probably told you that already. But we all wanna help you get better, and not just from this sickness you have on the outside, but on the inside too."

"It's not…" Luan tried to say, but it was futile. That's when it hit her. It was pointless. It was too late. She should've asked for help from the beginning. She should've just let them help her from the start, even before all this came up. And now the only one she had to blame was herself. Her pride. Because though she had all those things going on, what were siblings for?

And now she was left malfunctioning like a machine reaching the end of its course, loose screws bolting out and all. Full breakdowns, her first panic attack, and now a fever that just never seemed to end. It was getting harder to carry her own weight. Harder to even breathe. Not when her nose was full and her throat was scratchy against cold air. It was like her body's retribution against her for neglecting it for too long, and nobody else was to blame.

Her head reminded her that if she confessed it again, they'd laugh at her expense. The smarter part of her, one full of pride, knew what'd happen. They'd tell her to set her bar loose. To keep it low like they would. They'd pull her down, and get irritated if she didn't, eventually get annoyed if she kept ranting but never tried fixing the problem.

Their patience was chipping away anyway, so either way, it was a game she couldn't win.

And even though Leni continued to pour her heart out, giving hugs and kisses to her, Luan was reminded again of the parts of her that were already in decay. Leni expressed how she felt helpless, how all she wanted was to see her happy again— but nothing. Where were her feelings? You're wasting your time, Leni, she thought. The only thing I feel bad for is for not feeling bad.

Even though I should. I should.

But emotions couldn't be forced, but she did anyway. After the day she, mom and dad went to school for a meeting with the guidance counselor, she came back with a tight-lipped smile and an attempt to stand straighter. She was gonna beat this fever. She was gonna be happier—or at least, give the illusion she was. That's what they wanted right? For her to stay up even when she was down?

At least then, they wouldn't be dragged down with her.

Staring at the empty stairway, she saw herself walking up there. Coming into the room, talking it out with Luna. The only one who knew it all. The only one she trusted to handle these things maturely, unlike Lori- who was too far her gap with too many things to deal with, and Leni, who was… well, Leni, as good her intentions were.

But her legs were stuck, still fixed on the couch. She looked unavailable. Felt unavailable now. Even when she gave her her meds. Put water on her nightstand last night. There was a flash in her averting gaze. One that said, 'I gotta get outta here fast.'

Meow…

"Hey, Cliff." Her voice was syrupy and she hated it. The cat was just below her, staring with a rare sense of affection. Hm, she expected Charles, maybe even Geo, but not him.

Cliff jumped onto the couch and settled on top of her thighs. A weak smile tugged at her lips, and she crossed her legs Indian style. He settled himself onto her, his soft purrs emanating, relaxing her. "Oh, you wanna cuddle? Aw…" Luan gently patted his head and Cliff's eyes shut into happy slits. "Weather's extra cold today, isn't it?"

At least she's got this lil' guy.

Cliff pulled his paws out and kneaded her thigh in reward, an incredibly rare instance from the rowdy house cat. It brought a giggle out of Luan, but even then, in her chest, it was hollow. It was heavy.

A wave of loneliness hit her. The impact came unexpected, with brutal force it left her dizzy. She could write it in her diary again, or be crazy enough to talk to Cliff about this. But… they can't reply. They can't talk back.

Luan's smile faltered and she turned the TV off, solely focusing on this moment right now. It didn't feel right. It felt like a scene and she was the cameraman.

Maybe this was the only feeling you get for pushing the rest down. Loneliness, guilt, frustration—that's all that's left.

Looking back, she'd already lost her fuel, her puppet. She couldn't lose her sister too. For what? Rejecting her when all she wanted to do was offer that?

She ran her thumb across Cliff's scalp; the cat nuzzled the pad of her finger with a soft purr… and her stomach awed. Deep inside though, the feeling couldn't be shaken. This was a war that left her with only the crumbs of her personality, taking away everything, and everyone that meant most to her with it.