Lyrics to: Fallen Angel—Three Days Grace (2015)
It was such a simple request. So vulnerable, so guard-lowering.
In a stupor, she could only blink. Luan, wanting one? She was bordering delusion, probably psychosis, and this was supposed to help her? "H-how would that even help?"
"I… I searched it up, and… I'll explain it later, just—" As it began to register in her mind, Luna drank the tentative stare in front of her. Her cheeks were puffed as a sheepish grin rose and Luan scooted closer to her. "I know it's out of the blue, but–can I? Can we?"
The rain furiously crashed down their roof, and not even the noisy buzz of the heater could help. There was a coiling tension in the air as Luna read Luan's face, pallid and somber. The slight pinch in her eyebrows, the want in it all. She wanted love, needed it; and she had more than enough to give her. So much of it she saved up because she couldn't show it.
How could she just throw that chance away?
Coming out of her stupor, Luna hesitantly brought herself back into the bed. She was still puzzled about how this all connected; the idea of everything Luan mentioned was like a fever dream, and she wanted to believe that it was. All induced by her sickness. But that was false hope. A false God she couldn't worship even if she suspended her disbelief.
Luna splayed her legs across the mattress, before patting the vacant space on her bed. With a silent exchange between their flitting eyes, Luan shifted closer to her, an inch from meeting her open arms. Without waiting for another second, Luna gently scooped her into an embrace. In surprise, she felt Luan stiffen at the move, but eventually, she gave in. Luna propped her chin on her shoulder, instantly taking notice of the feverish heat radiating from her.
"You look like you could use it more than the meds." Luna tried to alleviate the atmosphere, earning a mirthless chuckle from her sister.
Their bodies were awkward and their muscles strained in the position, with Luan's folded and Luna stressing the muscles on her hips. It took only a brief second before Luna pulled back, feeling a cramp creep in.
Instead, she slid down the bed to lie down, before pulling a pillow from the lower bunk and setting it beside hers. Puffing it up enough to look tempting, before draping her arm over it. "Change spots, brah. Lie with me."
A spark of hope lit up in her chest. She was this close to having Luna walk away. This was her chance to reconnect all over. She wasn't gonna throw it out of the wind now, not with her insisting like this.
Luan couldn't help the gentle smile spreading on her lips. When she meant hug, she actually meant cuddle. Let Lucy chastise her for that one.
Giving in, Luan scooted over and leaned back on the pillow; blocked by the contact of Luna's arm. With a little turn to the side, she found herself nuzzling the crook of her neck. Luna's arm snaked around her body like a protective shield, and like sauna air to an iceberg, a warm, fuzzy feeling thawed the coldness in her soul. Is this what it felt like to be me again? Even if just for a brief second? Luan draped an arm over her, eyelids drifting shut to embrace the feeling of it all. The wool sweater tickling her arm, the heaving of her chest, the cold sensation of her paperclip earring prodding her forehead. It was… peaceful.
But it didn't last long. It never did, and ironically, the reason why it didn't this time, was because of her fear of it drifting far too soon.
Feeling a certain sense of security she hadn't let herself feel forever, she let the emotional ride pool her eyes with warmth. She didn't wanna go. She didn't wanna return to where things felt dreamlike. If this was a dream, this was the only one she'd take. She didn't wanna let go.
To think Luna was about to though, just like that, the moment she opened up, it stung.
"S'it working?" Luan felt her neck vibrate; a sense of hope tinged in her voice.
Luan inhaled the subtle hint of cologne on Luna',s neck, familiarity sinking in. This is real. She felt like a child discovering the world in its bareness. Luan took note of Luna's gentle hand patting her.This is real. She told herself and the sinking in her chest grew. To think Luna was just about to leave…to think that she thought this was all hopeless. She probably deserved it though; she took herself too far off the edge, making sure to keep her mental suicide secret until she was hanging off the cliff, barely beyond their reach to save.
The fear quelling inside had to be the most real sensation of it all.
"Is it true, Lunes…?"
Luna's eyes widened as she heard her croak. "What is?"
She felt Luan tremble in her grip, was it from the fever or was it something else? "Leni told me… you were tired of all the drama. She was too, but she said you'd given up. That you're tired of dealing with me, all this." Luan reluctantly lifted herself up to rest on her shoulder instead, in an attempt to catch sight of her face. "Is that true?"
The interval of her pats lengthened but never ceased.
Yes, but… no. "Leni told you that?" She caught a glimpse of the tremble in Luan's chin. Dang it. "She probably just misunderstood. What reason would I have to ever drop you when you're falling apart?"
Isn't falling apart a reason enough?
Luan's breath hitched, and she tucked her face onto her neck; it wasn't long before Luna felt a stream of tears sliding down her neck. So warm, it made her freeze. She was so touched by what was partly a lie. How many times had she overlooked this? How many times had she said, 'I'm done, let the others deal with this'?
On second thought, how could she ever leave? Luan was quiet, too quiet, but she could feel her back hitch, her grip around her waist tightening. She could walk away, but her heart would somehow drift back here anyway. She could look this through and ignore it, but below all that, she still cared. More than she ever wanted to.
"Why?" Luna rubbed her bare arm gently, goosebumps prickling under her fingertips. What'd the words have that triggered her? "Are you… scared I was just gonna abandon you like that?" She wasn't expecting much of an answer, considering her state, but it did elicit a small, but unmistakable nod from her.
Her heart twanged painfully; yes.
After her initial reaction to this? She couldn't blame her.
"Luan, come on, sis…" Her voice came out raspy, apologetic. She didn't know what she was pushing for. For forgiveness? For her attention, so she could vow to better? She pulled back gently to watch her face, but Luan was adamant about her staying still, her arms tightening, not letting up. This wasn't like the last talk, where she was the one who drove. This one was all on her, all on the trust Luan still carried for her. It was foreign to her, having to be the end receiver of such affection from the one who always refused it. All Luna could do was pull her in impossibly close; each wheeze, each whimper sent tendrils of pain into her heart.
Maybe this'd be enough to show her I won't.
"I was getting tired of riding through the motions," Luna admitted sheepishly, unsure if Luan was even paying attention. "But don't think I was gonna just quit on you. I don't have the heart to do that, you know that."
With a sniffle, Luan finally pulled back. Nothing scared her more than the idea of being dumped, by her own family. Her sister. She'd already lost enough.
Since her panic attack, Luna hadn't gotten a good look at Luan at all. She tried not to look too deep into it, afraid of the things she'd find. Her stomach churned at the sight; Luan was feverishly warm, sickly pale, and the eyes. Luna's breath caught. If Luan's claiming to have seen things behind a glass pane, then she could see it now. The window to her soul, tainted with fog, with pink. So distant, yet so hurt all at once.
"This is no way to live." Luna shook her head in frustration, her own emotions rising her throat. She coaxed her tears away with her thumb, making the sacrificial move to wipe her nose with her sweater.
Luan sniffled. "I know...I'm sorry."
The simplicity of the words struck an arrow to the heart. It sounded so defeatist. Hopeless. The real her would've joked about it by now, or at least denied it if she couldn't. Yet somehow she was apologetic? Luna couldn't even speak up; the worst part about it was asking herself if this was a good sign, or was it bad.
She stared at the blank ceiling, letting the silence speak for itself. For once, Luan was acknowledging the pain. She was finally looking at it the way it was, and seeking a way out of it. That was courage. A type that not even her most daring pranks could set. The type of courage that carried true bravery, because Luan's definition of it was so twisted, she mixed it up with cowardice.
But at the same time, it insinuated more than admission; than acceptance.
It sounded like quitting.
Their breaths synchronized through the tippity-tap of rain on the window. Good things don't just drop from the sky. There were so many questions left unanswered, and now that Luan seemed sane enough—stable enough—it might just be the right time to know.
After a moment of silence, Luna shifted slightly on the bed. She's burning up. "So… 'bout that thing," She stole a glance at her little sister, cautious with her next words. Don't drive her away now. "How's this s'posed to help?"
"It'll keep me grounded." Grounded, huh. What'd that mean? How do you even get to the point where you have to ground yourself like that? She'd expect that in a fit of panic, or the moments counting down a major gig, but when you were still? "I've been doing it with other things too."
Other things? She instinctively squeezed her shoulder. "Like…?"
"I've been… touching grass, I guess. Just trying to tell myself I'm not seeing holograms and wallpapers."
Luna couldn't help but grimace. Her eyes narrowed in a sort of resentment for the feeling Luan described. She watched True Crime films with Sam on movie nights a lot, and knew how the mind worked somewhat, but never had she heard a perspective that eccentric. That didn't sound okay. That sounded mentally ill, or even more so than that.
Cynicism paved the way for concern, and it grew like a balloon inflated by mouth. "What does that even look like? 'Cuz to me, you're making it sound like you're far off the deep end 'lucinating."
What did it look like?
A disorienting mix of feeling every little thing and nothing at all. Her senses were numbed out, yet heightened at once. On the outside, the walls were stage play backdrops; the road was cardboard against her feet. On the inside, it was too vivid. Blink once, blink twice, somehow her perception was rewired. Feel the wall, stroke it, run a finger down; any second now it'll pass through. It'll reveal itself to be a hologram.
If there ever was a glass door between the soul and the living body, Luan must've lost it. Inhale, exhale; it scared her to feel how vividly her lungs pumped just to survive. Inhale, her muscles tensed. Exhale, it relaxed. It felt weird. Make it stop. Within darkness, she could feel each beat of her heart thump. Heck, when she'd done nothing but nap this week, she could even feel the blood run through her veins, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, around her temples and wrists.
Luan had heard it from Lucy before, in her ramble about wicked facts, that if the eyes found out the immune system existed, it'd shut down entirely. She wondered if that would happen next. On the nights she stared up in the dark, eaten alive by the winter fever, the thought crossed her more times than she could count. What if my life was heading to the sunset? What if this was it? Was this it?
I don't think dying makes you hypersensitive, though. Luan thought. She knew it was silly, to be dramatic like that, but she still couldn't help but ask it on instinct. Does it?
Her cheek pressed and smooshed against Luna's chest, her head rising and falling with the breaths she took. "It's… I don't know. You'd have to experience it yourself to immerse yourself in it."
She already carried a reputation at home and at school for being a nutcase, even if her siblings never admitted it. That'd just further fuel the allegations and the judgment. "B-but I'm not crazy, believe me."
Kinda hard to, brah. "Chill, dude, it's okay," Luna reassured her, tapping her fingers down her arm unconsciously. Sounds like she didn't need a solution, just reassurance. "This stuff sounds bizarre to me, sure, but that doesn't mean I look at you any less. I get it, the colors just lost their glow, and the stars lost their magic."
A comforting wave of silence sifted into the atmosphere. She was liking this more than she wanted to admit; when was the last time they did this? Luan nuzzled her shoulder, finding home in the familiarity of her sister. It was foggy and she couldn't remember when. The thought may have been lost in this amnesia wave, but the sensations were still there. It crept up on her like a niggling phantom just at the end of her tail, calling out.
"I feel like this is reminding me of something." Luan tore the silence with a frustrated grumble, her eyes narrowing in thought. "I just can't remember what."
Her voice took a desperate turn in the end. She carried her sense of self-preservation, deep down in there. Somewhere down, despite all the numbness, something was clawing its way out. Some part of her was still there, for sure. It's not like you could just lose it all like that, regardless of substantiality. Unless God forbid, it's a tumor or something.
"All those times you'd come to me after a bad dream; ringing a bell?" Luna asked hopingly.
"Sort of." Luan shook her head. "Forget it."
Memory loss, huh… was this part of the depression package?
With each step deeper into the conversation, her energy drained out. It was a game she couldn't win. Luan and her just weren't compatible like that to the point where they'd vibe without suffocating each other for too long. She was too crazy, spiraling whichever direction she took next. Luna may have put Loud in the house, but Luan knew nothing about the word, 'down-to-earth.' It was always up to her to pull her down; remind her to stop acting quipping in the middle of family brawls, to stop kidding in the middle of family feuds. With that flighty, imaginative brain of hers, it was always up to her, to pull Luan down to Earth.
At least the old her had a zest for life. She admired that presence, as much as it annoyed her. How do I wake you up, dude? How do I… How do I spark your fire again? Remind you of what's there to live for?
Better yet, how can I call myself the life of the party if I can't push it out of you now? Luna's thumb unconsciously stroked patterns on her elbow. She was radiant in the fest, was that all just for show?
Not knowing what else to do, she closed her eyes, humming to a tune. A familiar tune that brimmed from the very depths of her heart. It just came so naturally, the words slipped through her mouth. It was a song she loved the beat to, never had she known it'd ever be dedicated to someone… that being Luan out of all people.
For a preacher, is an enabler. Maybe telling Luan that they were hurting too didn't work. The world closed in, and the rain faded into the background. She could feel her breath brushing through her neck, searing hot with the fever that tortured her for so long. The unsteady pattern of her breaths, deep breath in, quick breath out, indicated that she was still awake, and worse, unease. Well, so was she. How could she ever know?
"How do you stay so strong?
How did you hide it all for so long?"
Luan's heart skipped a beat at the quiver in her voice, but she stayed still.
"How can I take the pain away?
How can I save
A fallen angel, in the dark
Never thought you'd fall so far..."
Her voice wavered completely now, and if Luan hadn't felt anything for days other than depression, now there was a new flame. Pursing her lips, she snaked her hand to find Luna's, bumping through the inconvenient bumps of her rings. This time, it was her turn to freeze up. In a split second though, Luna returned the gesture, and squeezed her hand.
"I-is that for me?" Because it hurts. A lot. A touched grin formed on Luan's face.
She heard Luna sniffle, and the part she'd ignored all this time won over; Luan squeezed her tight. "You want me to continue?" Luna asked, her voice strained.
The song wasn't her dig, but the heart behind them, and the emotion in her sister's words drew her in. Luan simply nodded, waiting as her feet grew colder.
"O-okay." Luna drew in a deep breath, trying to compose herself again. She opened her eyes to the sight of the empty ceiling above her, where Mick Swagger should've been encouraging her. He'd tell her to rock on, and say 'if you can't say it, luv, then sing it.'
'Do it for her.'
The voice pushed her. Luan was listening. She was listening for once. And pulling closer! This was a good sign!
The pain grazed her throat painfully, and she didn't even notice that tears were already falling. All that mattered right now, was letting this out, because Luan was going haywire. Her wounds were opening cuts in her she didn't even know she could have. It wasn't the school she was mad at. She wasn't even mad at all anymore. She just wanted that prankster back, even if that meant landing on whoopee cushions every morning.
Flashes of all the red flags tinted at the highest saturation came back to her. When she closed Funny Business to focus on school, she should've known that was a sign. Or the time she clocked out while listening to a song of hers that one evening. How her eyes constantly glazed over it became a new annoying habit. The hurt in it when she brushed off the honor roll as nothing, and…
"I was right beside you
When you went to hell and back again
I was right beside you
When you went to hell and back again
And I, I couldn't save, a fallen angel"
Even her breaths heaved as every lyric, every note, every quaver in the verses slipped into her ear. It was so clear; it was right by her side; it couldn't be ignored. Every choked gasp in between it.
"A fallen angel, in the dark
Never thought you'd fall so far"
Luan shivered, and Luna rolled to her side and cradled her protectively. Their embrace was taut; she could feel her Luan tremble and wheeze, and was it the fever or was it getting to her too? Who knows?
She rested her chin atop Luan's head, stroking her back in steady motions as the hitching returned. It's okay… it's okay. I'm here for you, dude. I never left.
"Fallen angel, close your eyes
I won't let you fall tonight…"
It was then, that the game of hide-and-seek was over. Luna couldn't continue the song anymore. Her breaths were shaky and shallow, and she let it go. It hurt too much. It was agonizing to be in a situation where you watch change pass through your very eyes.
Despite the distance, the wall they'd built within their sisterhood for quite some time, at that moment it was gone. And they wept. Together.
They lay in that position for a time, interrupted briefly by the sounds of footsteps and bickering outside the four walls. Still, despite the embarrassment of getting walked in on this, neither of them wanted to let go. Like two magnets finding their way back together.
Today was messy. Luna shifted first, pulling back slightly to check on Luan. Her form still shuddered, but not as greatly as before.
When Luan felt it, she pulled her arms back and curled them to her chest, returning Luna's stare. "Do you have any plans today?"
Luna pursed her lips and shook her head. "Locked up here 'til you're better. Why'sat?"
Luan didn't bother answering that, and in a rare moment of affection, she pressed herself on Luna's body, pulling her arms close to her chest like a scared little girl. Like she wasn't the same psycho who pulled relentless traumatic pranks on them.
Suppose Mick said it best. Even musicians need silence to wanna return to the groove.
Luna closed her slacked jaw and smiled. This couldn't be faked. No way. She cradled Luan's head, reminded of when this happened last. That was years ago, how old were they…? And it was over something petty too. Like lightning.
As you grow older, the probs just get bigger. That's what they'd always say. "You want company, don't ya?" Luna teased, twirling the tip of her ponytail.
Luan groaned, looking up at her. "Don't rub it in like that."
"What did we just talk about?" She kicked her softly on the shin. It was so alien to be this close to her, even when they shared a room and a bed. Every chance Luan would give her, I'm so doing this again."It's alright if you wanna hang with your inner child, y'know. Nothing bad with a lil' cuddling."
Luan pouted playfully.
Their legs tangled, leaving no space for the cold to seep in. Through the socks, Luan's heat scorched her like a hand above boiling water. Lisa better be right with how they were treating her. Because the meds were growing but this fever wasn't wearing out. As stupid as it sounded, maybe it wasn't paracetamol she needed most. Maybe it was love. Like she saw in that one movie. The warmest hug can thaw a frozen heart.
"I really hope this is helping you." Luna perched her chin on Luan's head.
"Oh, it is." Luan smiled. She'd felt love before, that warm fuzzy feeling you get cooking with your dad and serving the whole table; or when your baby sister giggled over a joke you made, or when your little brother made a special comic of all of you with intricate designs and character profiles. Considering her senses were dampened, this didn't elicit the same burst of affection- far from it, sadly- but it was a good start. "I kinda wanna do this more often."
Luna's chest thumped. She giggled, skin tickled by the strands of brown. "Yeah?"
The shivering stopped completely, and her breaths grew steady and slow. If this was the break Luan so needed, she didn't complain. Guess Sam was right. Growing apart was all they needed to pull it together.
It didn't take long before Luan yawned. She couldn't guess what the time was but it was most likely mid-afternoon by now. How much time passed? "That's early,"
Luan chortled. "Don't go."
She patted her back, the cozy atmosphere of a chilly winter lulling her into a nap too. "Never said I would." Luna felt her arm tingling. "But can you… change pose real quick? Kinda losing blood flow here."
Despite all the fights, and the push and pulls of their dynamic, it all worked out in the end. Whatever made Luan change her mind and open up, Luna thanked her for an eternity. They could worry about telling the others later; heck, that consideration didn't even cross Luna's mind. Her arm circled Luan's frail frame, inwardly cringing at how delicate she'd become. It's like you could snap her in half.
Good thing about it though, was that despite Luan resting her head on her chest, it didn't affect her breathing at all. Unlike Lincoln that one time.
With hooded eyes, Luna stared affectionately at Luan's face. She was nearly falling asleep. And despite the breakout of zits on her face, despite the hollowness in her eyes, she could've sworn she saw a hint of a smile on her face. That could've just been her seeing things though.
The arm that wrapped around her hip loosened up. She was falling asleep if she hadn't already. "Love you."
Luna froze. Nope, you're really seeing this.
She smiled lovingly, and, making the move, she pecked the top of Luan's forehead. You're full of surprises, lil' sis.
"Love ya too, dudette."